Thursday, December 31, 2015

group hug

Mom was in therapy when I dropped by after work so I didn't stay long.  Gotta do those exercises!  As I was crossing the lot to my ( not so ) trusty Camry a deep voice hollered at me from afar and it was none other than Amy R and Yaya visiting AFTER visiting Doris.  We stood there and chatted in the cold  forever, finishing each others' sentences regarding who's related to who and where their mama'n'them live.  Yaya laughed at the thought of us barflies of  fifteen years ago thinking we'd be spending New Year's eve at the nursing home.  Life happens.  

Meanwhile some random debt collector called wanting me to verify my social so that we could discuss an important business matter.  When I refused to do that without knowing who the company was representing, he said he would "send a new bill."  Bite me people.  It's a debt collection system for healthcare provider companies.  The guy had this whiny high pitched voice and was sort of taken aback by my failure to be intimidated.  If dude only knew a what  year I've had......

I ordered some coloring books from an artist who is a family friend and can't wait to get the stuff to make art happen and feel the release.  A new look for the house will give me an opportunity to showcase many of the pieces I have which are eclectic and interesting.  I don't own an entire collection of ANYTHING except Noritake china and that's about to go on the bidding table down at Mom's emporium of treasures.  The beauty of complimenting rather than matching is something it took me years to grasp.  

So my one serious collection was little boxes. know like Weeds only tiny little artisan boxes of glass and wood and fiber.  The kind of thing where you can hide secret treasures of beads or notes and run across them decades later.  My brother found a handwritten epistle in true Janice fashion giving medical power of attorney for Tommy to somebody while they were gone.    The doctors were all listed too.  I'm telling you if I has 1/2 as organized as this woman, I'd be a successful person.  I'm just a happy slob I reckon.  

I learned to get out of the box around the age of 32 when emotional issues reared their heads and I ended up weeping in therapy for two years.  It was during that time of kick ass tough love that Beverly taught me how to be a strong yet spiritual woman.  I sensed that she had issues herself which kind of hooked into mine, but it worked.  From there I moved to "here's the thing" Rod for the family mediation thing and subsequent episodes of crisis.  We did phone sessions while I drank a beer and it was totally cool.  As an EAP provider for my company he had counseled many who were feeling the effects of healthcare burnout.  

Today's words of wisdom from Mama Stafford are : Don't drive into the water!  

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

flood plain

The last time I was directly affected by floodwater was in  2011, the year that South Dyersburg washed away.  There was a huge backwater type situation involving the Mississippi, Obion and Forked Deer rivers that was just too much for our infrastructure.  This is not to be confused with the mighty headwater of 2010 which came up in about 2 hours.  I was oblivious to the clear and present danger and got stuck on the other side with supplies.  We parked our cars at the body shop and rode in Clara's truck through the water and home.  Shortly thereafter we got a call to move the cars only there was no way to get there.  Duh.  We almost died in the bed of a crackhead's pickup truck in the mud with a screaming baby up front.  UCMTSU.  For about three days our only access to civilization was across the edge of the golf course and down the runway.  That required a bit of negotiation with the city but they were cool about it.   At the end of day one, the last passage was made by a tractor that struggled to make it.  It was that freaking high.

I ran down to Mom's house this morning to get paper towels and found the alarm beeping to high heaven, probably because of a power bump.  It's not active so I guess eventually the battery will wear out.  That also was another of Daddy's precious rituals and I've set it off more than once by showing up after 4PM lockup.  That seems like a long time ago but was actually just July.  All of the EMS trips that were a prelude to that last ride were over at this point.  Oh, and there were  more than 10 I can testify.  That doesn't count the times I got called down there to clean him up because his stubborn ass fell and got bloody.  James Frank took him by boat to catch a ride to the doctor's office during one of those floods.  Amazing.

Here's a bit of irony. My friend Brian is a Missouri river rat who does volunteer work in the Arnold area involving the Meramec.  He goes to Guyana about once a year and is there now only to miss the biggest flood event so far for his home state.  His buddies are keeping us posted and last I saw there were more than Mickey Ds disappearing under the brown water.  Mama was scared to death of me and BG driving into floodwater to get to work in the dark.  Not to worry dear....if it's over the road I'm outta here.  Perhaps KK would let us stay!

It was found this week that one of the emergency shelters has mold because of it's strategic location  in a hole due to cost cutting.  Some dirtwork would have fixed that before it happened.  My friend is the 911 director and he does an excellent job of pulling together emergency response teams and plans.  Mark Grant? This one's for you!   Maybe next time they'll listen.

Mine and Martha's" work boyfriend" lives across the bridge so he sees the action every day while crossing what used to be a ferry landing.between Heloise and MO.  I am old enough that I remember when it was thus and so and even rode it with the red Chevy wagon that had a hole rusted out of the floor. guessed it.  Driving through backwater.  Adding insult to injury, the warm weather has snakes out and about and they love muddy water to there you go.  No river crossings for this old gal.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

bye felicia

Man what a sucky ass year it has been.  Nah..make that two or three!  It's hard to tell when one drama ended and another overlapped.  All these minefields have made me kind of skittish like when you're afraid to go to sleep because WTF is gonna' happen next.  I distinctly remember the day that BG and I traveled to the funeral home to plan her Daddy's service and she told me that we would be taken care of.   It hit me like a ton of bricks as I turned the corner onto Sampson and I bawled like a baby.  I had recently filed a petition for Chapter 13 and was flying on faith that I'd be able to make the payments.  For six months. I held that money tight until life and circumstance led me to spend it on emergencies.  Like when I had to get a new radiator.  And when cars got wrecked and people moved home and parents got transported etc. etc.  And now we're facing a rare winter flood event.  Normally it's in the spring when the snow from northern states melts and feeds into the Mighty Mississippi.  I heard the Meramec is raging like never before over there in MO.

I got a text this morning from an unknown number because...lost contacts.  She wanted to come see "Janice" and asked where she was plus had she heard anything about my dear childhood friend dying.  What???  We did some quick research and found that it was another guy by the same name.  Mama has a really high maintenance roommate at the rehab and they parted ways today because the boyfriend is just too present. A girl can't even get dressed, ya know?    I had planned on taking her in a wheelchair to the orthopedic follow up today but decided against that after talking with PT.  Once again, she will board an ambulance with transport folks who know and love her.  BG is meeting up with them at the office so that I could come home.  I'm still sick with the crud and having migraines now as in low BP, dizziness and sparkly floaty things.  I had an ultrasound of the carotids today to set a baseline for PVD and a chest film or two.  These folks also know me by name and do a good job.

So now the forsythia is blooming and buttercups are up. I'm about to do the math on a beach trip and see if it can happen because Lord knows I need it.  Heather the travel planner is in charge and I'm just out rounding up trip mates.  Destin is the new Gulf Shores in my book.

Later ~

Monday, December 28, 2015


We all have them and, like it or not, they're nature's way of saying shut down and back off for awhile.  I have become physically ill over the past five years due to exhaustion and stress.  That can only mean one thing....a session with Gay!  MFR is such a simple concept and one is a viable treatment for chronic pain.  Our health insurance is geared toward the more invasive chiropractic kind of care and so Gay does not accept it because there's your overhead.  Her business is simple, one on one and word of mouth.  She has had two studios since  I've been in treatment prior to the RTC surgery last year.  The funniest thing was when she was in with a 4D sonographer called "windows to the world."  UCMTSU.  

It finally quit raining and the sun has peeked out as the temp drops sharply.  We all will feel better after a hard freeze, just saying.  The twisters were horrific and the flooding is dropping roads out from under people.  I remember when I was a kid the bridge over the Hatchie in Tipton county fell in with cars on it at night.  That did, and still does, freak me out.  Imagine driving along in the dark and *boom*.  They don't find you 'til duck season or the kudzu dies.

For the first time in 28 years I have industrial garbage pickup and now I understand Daddy's fascination with the ritual.  Little acts like that kept him occupied in his never ending quest for peace.  He turned the light on whatever ratty ass flag was on the pole at the moment, come rain or shine.  And he walked the yard....often with me oohing and aaahhing over this flower or that.  We've always been big on transplanting from one homeplace to another.  Something tells me I've got a bunch coming.

Gotta take mom to the bone doctor tomorrow for staple removal.  She is 2 weeks out and hanging in there, in spite of that little choking scare.  Next is cardiology in January.  I like this guy because he was not pushy about invasive procedures or extreme treatments.  I mean, she's 82.  So much of healthcare cost is spent on diagnostics in order for doctors to CYA.  Thank you very much Johnny Cochran and Corey B Trotz.  Medical malpractice, while it shouldn't happen, does every day.  Suing providers does nothing except keep the sharks in business.

We had an great political discussion today at work involving me and a conservative and one who really doesn't give a shit anymore.  We touched on Hillary and Bernie and Trump and Bill and I can see her moving further toward the middle.  That's all I ask people....think outside the box.  I got a lot done in 3 days off and my piles are looking much more compact.  There will be before and after pictures, to be sure.

Manifest it ~


Sunday, December 27, 2015

on the third day of christmas

My true love gave to me: four more inches of rain!   Monsoon season is in full force and all the rivers are rising, including the Mighty Mississippi into which the Obion and Forked Deer drain.  Muddy water rising, no doubt.  That'll be good for next year's crop.  It's mind boggling how many people have lived on stilts and rode a boat to town which, back in that day was Finley or Lenox except for 1937 when the big one came.

A prospective painter came by today to chat and deliver his bid   His wifey is in New York looking for Christmas snow.  She and tribe Gigi have spent many a happy afternoon at the pool getting drunk and sunburned with me.  That seems like a long time ago, and it was.  Regina is the jewelry queen who made it possible for me to form Team Janice.  She got moved early this morning due to the monsoon leaking on them and we found her right next door getting cleaned up and dressed.  Fox News ( of course ) was on the teevee and it was Bernie and Ben.  I never realized until today just how clueless Carson is.  It's like that sometimes....people who are really smart in science just don't get it.

A co-worker from long ago posted about Obama being a narcissist and I had to chuckle to myself.  The anesthesia team that lived by me were good buddies with him and I remember him coming out once to see about Lisa's horse.  We were on a team together eons ago that was investigating a bad outcome.   Me and Bossfriend showed up for all three  "bad outcome" meetings and I almost got fired for crying and leaving. The entire surgery department was against us because caution was taken when a suspected erroneous result was reported.  Never mind that they all left this poor woman in surgery with one nurse who is probably in rehab right now.  It was ugly and hateful and the surgeon didn't show up until the last one.  It was the absolute worst experience of my 38 year career.  And nobody stood up for us.  We were blamed for the woman's death by this physician because we didn't get his donated RED TAG blood quick enough.

Forward ~

Saturday, December 26, 2015

'twas the day after

Kids are pretty much occupied for a day or two with their new loot and parents are wore ass out.  I prefer the kinder simpler version our family observed.  I remember those days very well when we all packed up the younguns' and trooped over to Gaga's place to eat and get presents.  When we little it was like a whole 'nother Santa at her home on Wheeler.  The last one we had together with her was when she lived on McGaughey in a duplex.  Can you say "crowded"?  

A thunderstorm recently  passed through and my AC is on.  When I stepped out on the porch to see what was up I noticed the coral azalea bush had blooms which was pretty odd but then, global warming and all that.  There's also an early spring flowering bush with white flowers visible outside BG's window and lots of green grass.  Hmmm.

Just talked to Mom about the history of the pieces that I'm getting from Casa Grands.  All of this will be moved after I get paint, windows and doors and mini-blinds.  I shared with her that I'm on a mission to create a clean house once again and she said she thought I'd feel better about myself.  Indeed.

For the first time in six months, I see myself a week out from payday with 50 bucks and some change but I have everything I need so it's good.  By an strange twist of fate, next week's check will be fatter with nothing withheld except for BK.  There's some serious extra cash to keep the boat floating.

Yay Bernie.  Keep it real ^j^

Friday, December 25, 2015

holly jolly

Well, it's just another work day for a lot of folks and the ones taking care of Mama are no exception.   All three of us  amigos are off so I put together a couple of brunch dishes and off we went to the home.  BG did all the shopping  which is not my strong point at all.  I'm the kind that will spend hours making something but if it requires setting foot in a store you can forget it.'s what's up.  That leaves precious browsing face time  for treats like antique shops and boutiques.  I'm thinking of rebranding myself but that would require letting go of Poopie so, no.  Mom is resting now thanks to our team effort.  She only cried once about Daddy and that got us all weepy.  Her sadness is palpable over the loss of not just him, but the life they shared together for 61 years.  This too shall pass if we leave room for the spirit to work.

There's this gal that literally sings/pole dances/walks the dog up and down the major street through town and I'm sure everybody's first instinct is to try to get a picture of her.  She is in her own little world known as Nickiland.  I first noticed her about five years ago but she's updated her wardrobe to include lots of spandex now.  Today she had on a royal blue velvet Santa hat.  UCMTSU.   I'm still collecting contacts one by one as people call but this number I knew by heart.  Yaya sent me a link to her Christmas present which is where she's chilling today.  Love you. More.

Monsoon #2 began about five AM and let up just in time to get out and about.  I woke to find that Santa left us Gizmo which is always a good thing.  He's a cute little snuggler and loves roaming the yard.   BG got locked out of her car at Wallyhell on Christmas eve at 4PM  which is not a good thing by any means.  She said she was returning her buggy and some lady shut the door that was standing open.  Merry  effin' holidays indeed!  We had no tape so she went to Shannah's to wrap Jordan's toys and also get to play with him.  Pope Francis the most holy urged us to turn away from materialism because that's what God wants.  Hey.  Good enough for me.   I am humble enough to know that I don't have all the answers.

Gratitude ~

Thursday, December 24, 2015

joy to the world

Not only has the Lord come, I'm off for a three day Christmas weekend which has never happened in 38 years.  We got to talking at work today about burnout and I'm a poster child with more than one t-shirt.  Every time it happens I cry and whine and try to give up but am forced to put on big girl panties and do it again.  Maybe *this* time will be different, I think.  And it is indeed different when you've been under the leadership of that many Os and their minions, especially the ladder climbers, it's easy to lose faith.  Corporate America is pretty much played out in a strictly investor trickle down kind of deal, and healthcare is right up there the big boys on Wall Street.  It's all about the money.  In between the market and the patient there are tons of little internal rebranding efforts to keep the respective boats and divisions fair and balanced and um, profitable.  That's where ink pen rationing comes into play.

The dogs went nuts this morning when I got up because we all saw something, which I'm assuming was a lone coyote, lurking in the shadows.  They scouted as I pulled out but he was gone into the darkness.  I'll have to google that totem later.   Lorna taught me that little trick and it's brought me a lot of comfort because I feel more in tune with the earth and its' ethereal messages.  BG is out at WallyHell getting Baby Man some toys.  At almost three he is the magical age for believing.  The one thing that helped me to keep going through some very hard times was the delivery of USPS envelope on Christmas eve which I found when I got home from work.  It was probably four? years ago.  Anyway, you know who you are and I don't want to.  Except before I die!

I passed a lot of family looking gatherings on the way through town with lots of cars and hopefully great times with no drunk uncle.  People get nuts during the holidays and  we and law enforcement have to take CARE of you.  If you see somebody with a gun, call the law.  They're always there, just like us.  I watched the recently released audio from last year's shooting in Chicago which was ( mysteriously ) missing when the video was called for.  Now, correct me if I'm wrong: The audio indicates one very stressed out dispatcher begging for somebody to assist with a taser so the cop doesn't have to use lethal force.  Nobody comes. Despite numerous please with a unit within a block of the scene, dude shoots a guy who is running AWAY from him.  Doesn't seem to me like the story changed much.

His family will miss him just like I miss the ones who aren't physically in my life.  Syrian immigrants are missing their tribes as well.  In the course of my life I've heard the phrase used over and over and on pins about keeping Christ in Christmas.  An alternate viewpoint is that the real journey is about to begin because the Christmas tradition now is a far cry from what Jesus would do.  Just my humble opinion.

To all you military peeps keeping the world safe, I salute you and when we gather as a family tomorrow and I say the prayer, I will speak for Daddy on that.  I remember sitting in the floor listening to war stories from he and Mr. Bruce on one 4th of July.  Word of mouth is much more effective than google.

To you and yours, I wish peace and love.  Jesus is kind of a redneck in that he'll run around doing miracles until you piss him off over some sort of injustice and BAM.  Maybe we could sell bracelets with that version.  That's why it's not the reason for the season necessarily, unless you consider what's coming up.

Happy Kwanza~

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

channeling christmas

My playlist is packed with a short but *happy* selection of holiday tunes to which I sing out loud.  I have the crud again so it's kind of squeaky at the moment.  Tristi called me at 5 with "wakey wakey...eggs and bakey*  I totally wish I had that as my alarm tone and we have enough geeks to figure it out.  Things are, while not slow slow, not nearly as crazy as the past week.  I've begun to notice pre-holiday staffing patterns but since I'm always there, it really doesn't matter.  Gotta' have beer money.  We are under a tornado watch and it's freaking gorgeous out there at the moment.  Global warming is real and the crazy train has already left the station.  It's sad, but it is what it is.  In a world where Donald Trump has a better than average chance of being elected by gun nut right wingers, I shudder to think of the chaos that could follow.  Any candidate who seeks to polarize at this point is not worth my time.  That goes for you RON WILDER.

So Mom is much improved from yesterday and has already been to therapy.  Dr. A went by to check out the meds and whatnot and called me afterward amazed at how good she looks.  She and Ms Novella have on matching PJs and the temperature is ambient.  All is well with the world.  They live together at Maple Ridge so there's that.  I scurried on home to beat the rain but not after stopping by the alternate grocery store because Bubba said Kroger is a madhouse.  All ingredients are purchased for our Christmas brunch on Mama Staff's china.  My brother thought I was a lunatic when I told him about the plates.  Hey...I'm a girl...and I'm Janice's daughter.

Daddy sent me all kinds of birds, many of them black and gathering up front.  The ones that let me know are like that bright red cardinal and the woodpeckers.  He was always easy to buy for with a visit to Pennington's.  I read somewhere today that when you can tell your story without crying, you are healed.  Let's just say I'm not there yet but working on it.

Feliz Navidad ~


Tuesday, December 22, 2015

co-ordination of care

Mom got the green light to move to rehab today and as transfers go, it worked really GREAT with my schedule.  I found myself pulling up ( again ) behind Dyersburg EMS with mom inside and I followed them in with a basket full of clothes.  We've been there done that so many times that the paper signing was a snap.  Mom got placed in a room where the other lady is quite cold natured and Mama was burning up.  That's something new for her, probably a  side effect of a week in purgatory.  If she is to make it, she will work hard and if I know Georgia and all them, it will happen.  

Work is usually slower during the holiday season but it's not looking that way so much.  I've been on auto-pilot and overslept ( again ) this morning.  The rest of the day was spent running to and fro and saving lives.  I could feel the stress lifting the closer we got to destination next.  I get a really up close look at the inside track on the multiple sites that provide elder care which I'm thinking might be a "window" of opportunity. Being passionate about your vocation is something that is a must because it's what sweet baby jeebus would do as referenced by his lifetime of miracle performing and peace making.  

I just treated myself to garbage pickup because I'm tired of hauling it in my car.  It's ten bucks a month and they are a new company seeking to *crush* the competition.  Laken is my new BFF.  She even called me back to verify the address because Calcutt Farms Lane is non trackable by many businesses.  I guess corporate needs to fix that along with doors, windows and paint.  Who the hell changes the name of a 50 year old road????

 Anyway...seasons greetings and all that. My work buddy Tina Belle came decked out in Christmas Snoopy with a bulb necklace that flashes like the real deal.  That?  Made my day.  Also, I think Santa is gonna' come around no matter where we celebrate family.

Joy ~

Monday, December 21, 2015

thanks facebook

I was actually  not too teary today until they showed me a memory from four years ago that included my family and the neighbors.  Of course I cried the ugly one while I was driving to the hospital to check on Mom.  I found her eating breakfast and reporting that she has taken several dumps which is awesome. Another day, a different nurse.  We have requested that she return to her "home" because it's where all her stuff is and she gets really good care there.  Case management and PT will make that call later.

Gigi is now minus all the multicolored beaded bracelets because I picked through the basket while she worked.    She was grateful for the job because holidays are the dead zone for appraisers.  So here we are on the first day of winter and it's 60 degrees forecast to go even higher.  Not that I mind it, by the way.  Cold weather brings all sorts of frustrations when you have no door handles.  My usual route  now is to open the back and reach up to open.  UCMTSU  I should probably just order them online and forget about the scrap yard way up there in Lake co.

Whomever pulled the trigger on Bernie over the voter database made a very bad call that was corrected quickly.  Can you say political suicide??? So many people are excited about voting already that any kind of tampering can't possibly change things.  If it were Rubio or Cruz, that'd be different.  It sounds to me like the firewall was possibly dropped "accidentally on purpose" to smear some dirt on his campaign.

Russia and Syria are, though not quiet, not in the news so much because of Santa.  I have a friend who is in Guyana of all places and he shares loads of pictures from there that are gorgeous.  The people are brown and friendly and the airport was lit up like a Christmas tree.   Happy trails dude in heaven!

Our shopping is done with LP wearing hers, literally, on her head and me spraying myself on a whim.  Bubba has a nice collector's knife and Mom will get jewelry and house shoes.  If all goes well, it will be celebrated in her own room with her own stuff and the people she loves.  No matter what, she gets cheese grits on china.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

happy thanksgiving!

Since I had to work on turkey day I still had a few hours to burn and Martha the Wonderful is doing my shift today.  That gave me an opportunity to go Krogering and see Mom without worrying about the day job that is getting harder every week.  These old joints are all stove up!  Aleve helps I just try not to go there.  Janet got Mama in the chair while I was there and I proceeded to hand out more Team Janice bracelets.  Gigi is getting richer by the days of  this Christmas adventure.  I have the smell of amazing grace at my disposal and the house is chilly and quiet.  Eventually I'll hit the shower and sleep for another 12.

So I'm kind of looking in the rearview at 2015 and had totally forgotten about Lorna's heart attack in my bedroom back during the big snow and ice event.  That was when the puppies were under the barn with Ryder who was soon to be *dead* next to my bed in the middle of the night.  Lots of nice people cared  for all ten of them and gave them forever homes.

In early June, Aunt Granny passed and I ran over Daddy's foot when he got out of the Camry.  That was funeral #2 following Ginner's in January.  On Father's day eve we got the word that Pnoler was found dead.   At that one Lori picked them up and sat with us because I had just gotten off work.  Lerd, this girl could use a benzo, just saying.  So THEN Daddy calls the ambulance and never comes back and Mom moves to assisted living.  Yeah...We're all stressed.

During all of this drama, my dear friend KK has held my hand and made me laugh.  She may be selling a product but this lady knows how to honor a friend.  My home church has been extremely supportive and still is.  BabySister calls every day now for an update not wanting to make Mama talk or have some other gadget to deal with..  I seriously need a date for New Year's eve if anybody is available who will buy.  Remember, I'm on a budget now.

Faith ~

Saturday, December 19, 2015

from whom all blessings flow

I've got the crud and that added to this week's year of drama has taken a toll.  Walking in a daze I headed toward the sawmill before daylight.  Mama is about worn out so we didn't wake her up.  She sat in the chair and slept some more and  totally enjoyed SKB's best.butter.cookie.ever.  I hated to break it to her but Kay's are even better than her original Mama Staff's cutouts.  She shared with me that she called out to Daddy during the night for help with her pain.  That is precisely when the tears began and they didn't stop until I left the hospital for home.  Martha the wonderful called me back and said she will cover my shift tomorrow so I can catch my breath.  A certified letter turned out to be from the IRS ( you can't make this shit up)  and I owe them 700 bucks for non-reported side income in 2013.  Of course I have the right to protest.  Right.  Take it out of my big fat refund y'all.

I still can't remember to detour downtown and found the demo crew finishing up in the same week a bid was announced.  Thanks Dirt Works!! The view of our Dyer county courthouse is new and improved from the corner of Main and McGaughey.  I'm thinking it will be open by next week, just in time for all Dyersburgians to come home for the holidays.  I passed the Curry hearse as I eased toward the lane and finally made it with all my "stuff" which now includes a bag full of bracelets.  I didn't think Frankie would wear one so he got two for his wife and daughter.  It takes a village, right?  News flash....I had amazing grace waiting on the porch swing.

Mama ordered the traditional Christmas Sunday poinsettia in Daddy's memory and it will be displayed tomorrow during the celebration.  We used to go to the late night communion service as a family.  Then  they backed it off to the 5:30 kid's version and I just quit going, though I'm not sure why.  Probably the devil trying to come up and over my shoulder.  All I know is that I was raised there to be a faithful one.

Noel ~

Friday, December 18, 2015

team janice

We are officially a thing now with our own brightly colored beaded bracelets, thanks to Gigi's jewelry house.  I stopped by to restock on the merchandise this afternoon and  my old friend Ken's daughter was there visiting so we had a beer or two and gossiped like fools.  She was buying jewels too and we shared stories about who did what when and generally forgot about the real world for just a little bit.  I could never have planned that so we'll call it serendipity.  I have always wanted to put an S on the end of Owen.

Mom is still in ICU because of a slightly abnormal EKG.  She was climbing the walls and pulling out IVs last night so she woke up with mittens.  Blood thinner is therapeutic in that it is taking the stress off of her heart so she can gain some strength.  I just got off the phone with Toni and she said she's STILL sitting in a chair!  I'll be back at 6am for another fun filled day at the sawmill so I'll find her, wherever she may be.  

Running around bearing gifts is pretty cool and good therapy for me and the people I spend days and nights with.  These are the front line workers who work together to provide quality patient care, right here at home. The pace is often brutal and everybody's got something, you know?  I can honestly say that after a few years in the desert, I see a different culture.   I firmly believe that our fearless leader had no idea how bad things were but a real vision for how it can be.  

On another healthcare note, BG has a gallbladder full of sludge and is in terrible pain.  As an uninsured healthcare consumer she is looking at a cash pay of 200 bucks for an office visit to even begin the process of diagnosis and treatment.  THIS is why so many people end up in ER.  This brilliant girl has a BSW that nobody wants to pay for so she's doing slightly over minimum wage home care for a regional provider.    She has been so totally devoted to her client and in turn, client has supported her through some very dark times. Another success story in my book.  

So, here's the thing.  I'm thinking those deer we saw the other evening were reindeer because they were headed toward the red log cabin.  There is nothing even resembling snow but that's okay.  I will never forget the one Christmas morning that we woke up to find sleigh tracks in the snow that Daddy made himself so we would believe.  

I still do.  

Thursday, December 17, 2015

christmas present

Well..well..well....What a difference a day makes, huh?  Mom is 100% better today and called me at the butt crack of dawn wanting to know what the hell happened.  If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't believe the tale myself.  I slapped on some clothes and went up there all looking like a skank at the end of a long night and we had a nice visit.  At first she thought she was at the dentist office but things got a bit more coherent as we all visited. My 'nother daughter came in to draw blood and I got a huge hug.  The bone doc appeared to sign off because the surgery was a piece of cake.  Before I left, Janet had gotten Mom out of bed and into a chair and she was practicing her new swallow technique. We postponed a planned procedure for another day and asked that another doc be replaced.  It is a true team effort up there when folks work together instead of against each other.

So it's umm...December 17th.  What Christmas??   It's funny how the best laid plans, which is never my strong point, go awry at the last minute and we move to Plan B or C.   The essence of true faith to me is an ability to trust that Big Ernie has my back and everybody else's.  Some folks are haters or cray cray.  Like my Daddy said "It has always been thus and so..."  I was gonna go back to Gigi's  jewelry but she's at the dentist.  Channeling mom I reckon..

BG starts her new job this weekend which should be interesting to say the least.  Everybody there already knows her through Mama which is the biggest blessing of all.   The nurses have been in constant contact with us since she's been gone and Bubba is checking mail and watering the Christmas tree.   It will go to wherever she lands in a few days.  Team Janice has pulled together once again!   The fear of dying is something that all of us must face, some sooner than others.   If I did not honestly believe that our god is one who promises comfort and peace from ashes to dust, I would be afraid to go to sleep too.

Joy ~

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

the bus

This morning I almost murdered a raccoon on the way to work and as usual took the shortcut to sawmill because Main street is ( still ) closed.  As I got close to the hospital street I first noticed the Fisher house all aglow and then the downhill of Speedway.  There were two rescue vehicles and three cop cars and as I crept through I heard a guy say "Now ma'am what have you got stirred up?"  Ten minutes later at work I found out that somebody was beating her and she cut a motha'.  Last I heard he was on the way somewhere they have lots of blood.

Mom was pretty out of it early on and hadn't slept much.  She did manage to eat some breakfast but lunch was where the drama started.  Nurse G called me to report that she had choked while eating lasagna and had to be suctioned.  When I got there she didn't know who/what/when/where and was still struggling to breathe.  She didn't know me and was unresponsive looking toward heaven and Daddy.  I held her hand and as she talked about being afraid to rest because what if she doesn't wake up.  What if she dies in her sleep????  Lord, please bless me in that way.  All that commotion caused a cardiac event which was evident pretty quickly on the EKG.  Thus, a hurried up ICU transport and one tired smartass country girl.  I told the nurses that Mo is my sister so that she could do 5PM visitation and report back.   There were heroes all around in this scenario and that will be reported to the ones who matter.  It was a true team effort and it astounds me how quickly things can go when the proverbial shit hits the fan.  To my co-workers: good job.

During the in between time from hypoxia to reality, she was talking about a bus and getting to church.  She wasn't dressed so that was a huge deal!  She wanted to know why those people were in that bus.  I kind of made stuff up and kept asking "what bus" until she got a bit more lucid.  Mo has told me that Granny talked about the bus a lot, and that gives me comfort.  She struggled with a mother whose dementia robbed both of them of their last years together.  At least mine has retained enough  brain cells to have a conversation in which she tells me what to do because "I'm your mother."

Just got the Sista' Mo update and all is well with Janice Ann.

Believe ~

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

turn the page

Yesterday afternoon I got off late and came home for a minute before showing back up at the sawmill for mama's surgery.  It was around sunset that me and Noler rode in the back seat of the Cadi  down Pecan Lane and toward town, he in a box and me in scrubs. When we took a right I spotted the herd of deer.  Nobody is allowed to hunt here except for the early morning duck slaughter and I respect that in an odd sort of way.  Nobody likes dark meat anyways really...they just try to tenderize and be trendy. Wrap it in bacon and all that shit.  Put it in the freezer for hard times, don't you know.  

Today I read that the least assholish of our Republican senators failed to properly disclose his personal financial connection with the cable industry.  Let's compare and contrast that with his failure to do anything promising for the state of Tennessee like expansion of healthcare benefits.  In his defense, being raised as a Lamar clone does have its' drawbacks.  Plus there's Haslam and his evil sidekick LT.  Steve Cohen (D) was instrumental in having the lottery legitimized in our state and the end game of all that money was to benefit education.  While I'm sure that happened, I also know that the state 's higher education has lowballed it on technology as in using obsolete software like Banner.  How do I know this?  Because I experience the same thing at the sawmill and we compare stories.

As far as I know everybody still hates Hillary and enjoys watching Trump holla'  " You're fired!". If you are that damned stupid, WTF ever.  At this point, it's a pissing match and MSM is all over it like white on rice.  *some of us* need to think outside the box.  You want a gun?  Purchase it legally and concealed carry.  You don't want an abortion?  Don't get one and step up to the plate for the ones who don't have access to safe healthcare. The places are on every corner where we "make the choice for life."  Buy some diapers and have a shower for some lady who has no baby daddy in the picture.  Do it in your church on Christmas eve and show Jesus how much you love him.  As for ISIS(L) to hell with 'em.  Most of them are wannabe expats who need a reason to end it all.  Oh, and by the way...lay off the gays.

Mama has been saying lately that she wishes she was dead which is kind of disturbing on many levels, but understandable for an 82 year old blind woman who can't walk and lost her husband AND her home four months ago.  All I find myself saying to her over and over is " i love you."  I have salvaged her baby clothes and they are in mint condition, ready for the next generation.

Advent ~



Monday, December 14, 2015

a stained glass life

When Lauren was little we did a hug with all of us in a tight huddle celebrating family.  It was one of those random i love you more moments when we came together to justify us.  I can honestly not ever remember the five of us Staffords ever showing that kind of emotional bond.  Yet , we were and remain.  My relationship with my mother and daughter is one woven with the fabric of southern tradition and grace.  We all appreciate the finer things, them much more so than myself.  I'm happy as a pig in mud to hang out in pajamas all day and type on an ancient desktop PC.

Mama had a little heart episode during the night so surgery got pushed to the afternoon.  I took her favorite Christmas village house and turned it on, dousing the harsh overhead lights that are required for proper patient care.  All my favorite sawmill peeps checked in and so did the pastor and folks from the home.  Even cousin Ann was there!  Today I expected to lose my mother, and so I celebrated her like nobody's business. I regret not being there for Daddy's last birthday.  Or the final Christmas party.  But you know what?  I do the best I can with what I've got.  I have a feeling she will get some cheese grits for breakfast on holiday china, wherever she may be.

Gratitude ~

Sunday, December 13, 2015

er redux

The last time we were there was in June when Daddy went in and never came home.  I was shopping at Gigi's jewelry this morning when I got a call from church members telling me she had fallen and was on the way to ER.  Just like clockwork, I moved behind the ambulance as they pulled out with her and went slowly to the sawmill.  The staff was quick, efficient and got her diagnosed in an inpatient room within 3 hours which is amazing.  Lauren was on the way to church to meet her right about the time it happened so we met up at the hospital and waited together.  My dear sweet little mama told me she just "wanted to die" and she has told me that before.  Without Daddy in her life she is lost.  Her hip is broken and there will probably be surgery in a day or two.  Getting old is not for sissies.

Sitting here looking out over the farm that has been my home for the majority of my life, I feel a lot of different emotions, especially now.  Mom's best friend just called and I busted into the ugly cry telling her how I'm not ready to be an orphan.  None of us ever is, you know.  Once your parents are gone,  you realize that you're next on the list.  It's a sobering thought, to say the least.

Yesterday my biggest concern was no Gain for the new and improved washer and today, well.  Shit happens.  Instead of railing against the injustices of life I pretty much count the little blessings and try to be happy.  Mama's biggest concern is that she'll "ruin" everybody's Christmas.  That is so her!  A couple of nurses got gift bracelets from  the sale, and so did Mom.   Happies are what's up

 Faith ~

Saturday, December 12, 2015

holy spirit

Washer guy did indeed show up to finish the job and since I was last call we sat on the porch with the dogs and talked about life a bit .  When I asked him who he's gonna vote for and he said Cruz I knew I was in trouble.  We proceeded to discuss options and most of what I got is " I hate Hillary and I'll vote for Trump if he's the man."  I've seen that look before when a conservative realizes that someone they like has had a taste of the koolaid  in the center.  Socialism and Bernie?  No, he says because he wants to keep all his money and not pay for other people.  He got over it and gave me a hug when I said Rubio is the only one I would look at.  Hide and watch kids.  Hide and watch.  Anyway, I remembered Kevin from youth club, of all things.  He had visited with a couple of other skater kind of guys and the name is unusual so there you go.

Gigi is a jewelry sales person on the side and I stopped by her new house today to see what she's got.  Her Sissy was sick as a dog so I had to go but not before scooping up manicure in a jar from Lisa's stash.  Regina's house looks literally like the Opryland Hotel or something.  Girl is all into decorating!  The master bath is walk in and tiled to the hilt.  The last time I was over there we sat on paint buckets in the bathroom while she peeled and stuck the little border pieces and I drank a beer.  Good times.

Garbage got hauled and the *quiet* washer is going fulltime. It is 70+ degrees on December 12th so we all know what that means.  Christmas tornado!  Today is also shopping day when BG gets home from work, as in do it online and skip the malls.  I talked to my VA brother yesterday and we had to cancel our chat because ( bless his heart ) he ran over their dog and had to bury her.  Channeling Daddy, he said.

Merry and bright ~


Friday, December 11, 2015

social service

The sawmill used to be owned by Methodist Healthcare which bears the name of my home church.  Back in those days, having a chaplain was a part of the local structure and in our case local pastors were recruited to pull call and work with grieving families.  The last one we had was named Mark and after an oath from the buyer to retain that position for ten years, he was "dismissed" shortly after.  So much for promises.  The seller, otherwise known as MHS, screwed us out of half of the almost 1000 hours of sick time that many of had earned.  After the sale, poof.  I had to deal with legal people on both sides of the transaction to have access for blood bank records, I kid you not.  This was after I spent six months on the IT transition from hell.  It wasn't pretty, nor was it easy.  We are poster children for corporate America.

So now Dow and Dupont are engaged and there's all that toxic shit to deal with.  My late ex-husband scooped us asbestos from bulk bags at the local rubber plant in the late 70s and early 80s.  No masks, no ventilation.  It was "acceptable" industrial practice at the time.  But then, we found out about what it does to lungs and bodies.  They made rubber for tires which were all the rage then because the auto industry was booming.  Now?  Not so much.  They merged and sold several times as well and branched out into plastics at one point.

My dear friend Vicki has several homes and one of them is in the woods of North Carolina where bears come up on the deck and visit.  It is a to die for place that she loves with all of her heart and she found today that the heir to an adjacent piece of property sold logging rights and the land stripping has commenced.  I can't tell you HOW sad this makes me not only for her, but for the world at large.  Havens of nature are few and far between and should be preserved.  Big hugs sister.

Still no washer guy and the piles are approaching danger level, as well as the garbage.  My trunk is loaded so that I couldn't even find my booster cables but thankfully CB had her handy dandy new set yesterday.  Maddy noticed that I made it to work without him today!   Trolls are trolling and angels are singing and all is right with the world because I have two days off.


Thursday, December 10, 2015

h and p

I have no primary care provider other than urgent team type places so I bit the bullet and made an appointment with an internal medicine doc I've worked around for years.  He's close to retirement and old enough that he and his partner got grandfathered in to where they don't have to use the EMR that most clinics have.  It's still all on paper and slow as molasses.  After a 30 minute wait I went back to the desk to ask for a re-schedule with my co-pay as a down payment because I have "places to be."  I wasn't bitchy or mean, just determined to not spend my valuable time watching Shep on CNN in an empty waiting room.  I got weighed and placed pretty quickly after that.  Dr. A is deaf as a post and only had one hearing aid in today ( the other is being repaired ) so I had to speak slowly and loudly.  My labs are all normal and med list not extensive.  He made a dance card of exams I should have soon, including colonoscopy and carotid ultrasound plus a chest x-ray.  Always the thorough one, that guy.  He discovered that my mother had a complete blockage as in "almost stroked out" of the carotid when she was about my age.  Her neck got sliced open and tied up with string down at big city hospital.  I was about ummm....34 at the time?

Gizmo is Babyman's dog so this is kind of like home with a bigger yard.  When I left this morning in the fog  he was perched on the pile of dirty laundry that still covers the kitchen floor.  No washer guy, still.  I did get word that he fixed the tub and has it in the van so there's that.  Maybe tomorrow!   Sounds like that bitch will be running 24/7 until we get it done.  The Camry has been pretty trusty lately so I was really surprised when the engine wouldn't turn over and the battery clicked.  BG was in transit to Lake county so I put on my thinking cap and called a co-worker for a boost on her way in with Maddie, her son. She had BRAND new 12 ft cables in a zippered plastic pouch which I immediately attached and tadah!  Maddie was way excited about a detour of his usual morning routine of Minecraft, being  hugged and told to eat.  CB, as I call her, told him that everything out here is a hundred years old including my house.  He has plans to come back and play on  farm equipment and explore the barn.  There's a reason for everything, I'm just saying.  As far as I know TJC is on a cruise ship.

Somebody told me today I was way behind on shopping when I said I hadn't even gotten anything yet.  Honestly, it's not been on the radar.  I'm enjoying the slow drawn outedness of  decorating without a deadline.  However, I will probably get in gear when the washer is fixed.

~ Patience

Wednesday, December 9, 2015


I am literally feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders right now in spite of consistent efforts to practice self care.  This is normally where I say fuck it and forget about everything for awhile.  Honestly, I'm just going through the motions right now.  Grief and loss coupled with constant motion are overwhelming at times.  That's when I go into hibernation with 12 hour naps for days on end.  If the karma gods play right, I'll have two 3 day holiday weekends to catch up on rest.  If not, plan B.  I found out I've been calling washer guy the wrong name the whole time he's been trucking out here in spurts to fix the damned thing.  I remember him from church way back when.

To those of you who find joy in trolling the internet and smacking down people with whom you disagree, I say this : You win.  Game over.   I quit Candy Crush after about 3 weeks because it was nothing but a waste of energy and arguing with a troll is about the same thing.  I do not speak of those who seek intelligent discourse, only the smartasses who claim to know it all and belittle others to feel superior.  That's an entire chapter in the book of narcissism.

A young lady that I work with has a babygirl that she's never been away from and she's headed to the Bahamas for a birthday cruise tonight.  She got news of a family death right after she arrived at the sawmill and had to tell her mother and aunt that their sister had died suddenly.  I knew from the first time I met her that she was a keeper!  She and all my other peeps at the sawmill make it bearable when the shit hits the fan  like it has lately.  Doctors on power trips have been a real thorn in my side as the protector of our blood supply over the years.  To them I say, also:  You win.

My entire existence here on the farm has been based on a gentleman's agreement between a long dead corporate lawyer and my recently deceased farmer father.  With Daddy's death the game changed yet again.  I have been a tenant in this house for 28 years and paid huge amounts for energy to stay warm and cool because of poor insulation.  That was my choice because I love it here.  Daddy spent 10K on floors back when I manually pulled up carpet and walked on painted wood for a couple of years.   I appreciated the whole new look and the rent didn't go up until leadership changed.  I'm not always on the dot with $$ but the bills get paid eventually.  The way I see it I've already paid for the windows about fifty times over.  My bad, and you win.

Trump v Bernie?  Heh.  This gonna' be good y'all.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

oh happy day!

After weeks of waiting, washer guy is back in action and working as we speak.  Painter guy came by for a walk through yesterday and gave me  a bid on labor, returning today with a supply list.  He's  a country boy from the river  whose Mama used to work at the sawmill with us.  That was WAY back in the day.  BG is out to pick up BabyMan for an overnight stay and I'm going to make Mama Staff's sugar cookie dough whenever William wraps it up in the kitchen.  There is method to my madness.

So far I'm still pretty ho hum on the whole holiday thing but maybe that will change.  It's hanging in the 50's most days and sunny so there's that.  Plus, it's easier to breathe when it's cooler.  We run the AC just for that reason some days.  The allergens are still very heavy outdoors.  I've resisted the urge to burn since making the front page of the local paper with my  bean fire.  Honestly, I don't even have the energy.

So, I don't about y'all but I'm kind of intrigued with the way the GOP has dumped Trump over the profiling thing when they are mostly doing the same thing in sheep's clothing.  Rubio is the one to watch.  He's the only one in that pack who has that  cross-cultural thing going on, no matter what Carson thinks of himself.

I had an appointment with the doc today and changed it because I wasn't in the mood to wait an hour after work.  They're juggling the schedules around over there due to "reduced hours" as we all are.  It's the new corporate America, don't you know?   Stand in line and take your licks like a good soldier.  NOT.

That's all I have other than aches and pains and nobody wants to read about that.  I'll keep y'all posted on the re-do and if I can afford the increased rent.  I may have to start a GoFundMe to pay it.  Time will tell.

Keep the faith  ^j^

Monday, December 7, 2015

blog her

I remember that was the name of a convention of female bloggers that was attended by several of my virtual friends.  That bitch from OK went and even had her own podcast on Friday night!  I know y'all must think that I'm smitten with her and I am, just like all the other bloggers I've been blessed to know.  Kinda.  There is one in particular who is in a dark place and I wish it weren't so.  I sense fear and anger and things that mess up positive vibes.  His brother in blog, meanwhile, is seizing life and being happy and Lord knows he wasn't for many many years.  Both of them self published their work and sent me signed copies.  My heroes, for sure.

Today was more of the same from corporate America and that's all I have to say about that.  Ditto for the guns and abortions and whatnot.  I refuse to use precious breath arguing with people who are so intent on destroying "the other side" that they resort to hatred and violence.  ISIS will come and chop your head off if we don't put boots on the ground halfway around the world.  Bullshit!  There are enough people in this country to watch after and investigate without taking in anymore other than documented refugees from war zones.  I would consider going to Mecca and finding a bride from Pakistan a pretty clear indication of something other than true love.  Yes, it was terrorism.  But so are many other random acts of violence that happen on a daily basis.  Please see : Crazy ass college student dresses up like Batman and shoots up the theater.  Or maybe : Pissed off kid with mother who stockpiles guns for sport steals them and kills kindergarten students.  AND their teachers.  Timothy McVeigh was home grown and a survivalist.  So, all in all I'm feeling pretty good about life because I just don't care anymore what people think.  Even with my rebellious streak, there's always my mother's genteel Southern voice asking me what WOULD people say.  To the therapists who helped me reach the other side, I love you all and bless your hearts.


Sunday, December 6, 2015

they never left

BG and I caught up at the (not) round table today and discussed things like friendship and struggles and who is really there for you.  We are both grateful for the ones who show up at just the right moment as if karma or Big Ernie know exactly what you need at that point in time.  Probably a mixture of both, truth be told.  I've been blessed with too many to count or name.  Only when I get to rambling in the ethers do I remember this tale or that event where  I found a friend for life.   It's a season of reflection and anticipation and I am open to the cosmos.

Back in the day I made multiple triple chocolate pound cakes with fudge icing and topped them with fresh holly.  The cake is legendary and not my recipe except I changed one of mama's up and voila!  I have the ingredients but am too lazy to wash the dishes so I can cook the cakes and wash more dishes.  Life is different now.   I cook less and clean more, determined to have a home that is habitable once again.  The piles are shifting and becoming manageable.

My doctor's appointment is Tuesday, since I finally realized that at "my age" I need a PCP instead of hopping around here there and yon.  BG has insurance soon so she'll be in the loop as well.  Thanks Obama!  Thanks sawmill!  As for you NRA supporters, please consider that you do not need an AK to survive in this world.  The fewer of them purchased and stockpiled, the more there are for the police.  Get your concealed carry permit and aim for the head if somebody tries to harm you or your family.  I'm all for packing legally and even for hunting.  Just NO assault weapons except for law enforcement.  Deal?  yeah, right.  The authors of the COTUS ( is that a thing ?) are literally rolling over at the billions being made off the gun industry.

I do not like what I see now, not only politically but news that people devour like Kimaye had a baby.  Who cares, you know?  That family of entertainers shot their wad with
Bruce Caitlyn  and Mama years ago.  If you are going to influence the world and make millions off being a celebrity please give back,  even if in a tax exempt way.  It's what Jesus would do and it is his birthday after all.  Speaking of which, my friend the Little General turns 67 today which kind of blows my mind because she was 32 when we met and I was ummm?   She is a Quaker/Methodist, Cubs fan and grandma to many.  Love ya....mean it.
I've noticed some hooptie cars out here cruising for nuts but they keep moving.  I did see that somebody planted a shitload of trees Friday and many are pecans filling in the gaps between the ancient ones that stand guard on the lane.  So far paint is not in the budget so I guess I'll pay for the windows for five years and then  have some interior sprucing up.  I should be rid of the piles by then and ready to retire if Sugardaddy shows up.


Saturday, December 5, 2015


I began blogging around the time that it was cool where you got awards  for being prolific with words and such even if it was politically unpopular.  South Knox Bubba was a dyed in the wool UT fan and got outed by his employer for speaking his liberal mind.  I followed him, the Knoxville News Sentinel and Fletch, not necessarily in that order.  They taught me to think for myself, be who I am and keep the faith as a progressive.  We can add Bernie to the list now.  There was a she blogger named Zoot who was all over the place and I don't know who else.  It was a long time ago, okay?

My old friend called this afternoon and we talked about all things Pope Francis and guns.  He used to bring his four wheeler all the way  here to Pecan Lane and take me for rides where cars and trucks can't go.  We did one particularly cold tour of the flooded Forked Deer bottoms that was quite an experience. Before the levee blew out I actually rode above it on a trail and almost fell in. Me and Lone Eagle even ran across some pistol packing guys on the sand above the river one day and he was prepared.  That's not what happened when I was a teenager and found an abandoned boat in the mud.  Anything to get away from those bratty brothers!  I totally didn't know it was the sewage system for Dyer County.  Good for crops, right Farmer Joey?! The way things are going, we should all probably move to higher ground.

Just spent an hour with the wonderful Marla of Headlines and have a lovely shorter cut to keep me away from the clips for a few weeks.  She also shared her manicure in a jar which is the most awesome experience ever and reminded me to find some from Santa.  Her kid was selling the stuff for school, and though high dollar, it is an excellent product.  As in, the oil stays in your dried up hands for hours and smells good too. My neighbor James Frank brought some pecans from Mama and Daddy's yard yesterday and that made me sad but they will be used in holiday candies and such.  Heh.

I saw Farmer Joey head toward the slough this morning and heard a bunch of shooting right at daybreak.  Duck hunting is a "sport" I never really understood but then y'all all know how I feel about guns.  The first and only time I ever saw a dove field dressed I about fainted.  My eating habits have changed enough that I could probably be vegan if I can have cheese.

Paradise ~

Thursday, December 3, 2015

live and learn

Both new devices are up on wireless and it really makes me kind of ill to think that all I needed was a new modem.  Thank god I didn't get into that 2 year satellite contract!  I love the tablet because I'm used to the android touchy thing but the laptop is a challenge.  I won't give up yet, just still on the learning curve.  It's kind of like going backwards you know?  It's been a slow week at the sawmill and I'm good with that because my ass is still dragging from the monster cold that was not flu.  That outbreak hasn't even started yet.  You probably won't hear from me for a few weeks when it happens.  Ha!

Words like horror and terrorism are being thrown around like wildfire and a lot of people are retreating from the center to their "special places" like where abortion is baby killing and carrying automatic weapons is a constitutional right.  Compare and contrast, if you will, just the two most recent events at PP and in California. The usual shooters are extremists from wildly different backgrounds except for the two yesterday.  I don't know what they hell they were thinking because if you love Allah that much you're supposed to do it by taking YOURSELF out too.  That makes it different, and so does the female.   The common thread in every one of these mass shootings which began in high schools is availability of guns.  Mental health plays a part, to a degree, because lots of sane people have them and no harm is done.  It's the ones that go rogue you have to watch out for....especially when they have a pack.

Divide and conquer is the strategy not just in war torn countries across the world but in the good old US of A.  Being the Bernie fan that I am I feel that it would be most gracious of Hillary to back off and help Bernie because he's on a damn roll.  She's already been in the White House and it didn't end well.  I admire her as a stateswoman and don't believe she is at fault for Benghazi.  No one person can be blamed for a security failure like that, the secret service was caught pandering on duty around that time.  Coincidence?  Google it.

I believe in the spirit of the American people as I know them to be.  I have never been persecuted for race, religion or gender except for having fewer job opps than men.  I respect the constitution and hope to see a more user friendly version of it forthcoming when everybody gets their heads out of their asses, so to speak. Enough with dead baby parts.  Stop it with God hates fags.  The 1% doesn't give a shit about you except for Zuck who is totally not cool in my book because LLC. Social media has turned out to be his worst enemy by outing him on that not so altruistic move..  Imagine the legacy of that babygirl!  I admire people who use their wealth to empower others that are not pivotal to their personal success.  Bill Gates has done a ton of that and a lot of other rich people who are down to earth enough to realize that money can't buy you love.  And that?  Is what makes the world go around.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

the pilgrimage

lI'm the only one who has seen the stone atop Daddy's plot of dirt and Mom was needing some closure so we headed out there today to check things out.  The wind was sharp and cold but she was waiting with her walker by the front door when I pulled up.  We chatted a bit on the way over about the latest mass shooting which is not something I'm thrilled about but it is what it is.  She honestly didn't understand that it's all about politics and money now and somebody ought to " take those guns away!"  Right.  Not as long as Pierre has an evil breath left.

What I see happening is kind of like the way it was when Big Ernie said to hell with all you pagans and gave them some hard times to weather.  When that happens, it's just about the faith. Family members impacted by the loss of victims to violent crime are marked forever with a need for forgiveness and a longing for revenge.  A dear friend couple who lost their oldest daughter to a drunk driver found the mercy in their hearts to forgive him for taking her life.  I'm not so sure I could do that, at least not as quickly as they did.   They ministered to him in prison.

Anybody who has been alive for a few years remembers the Left Behind series.  I only read one and got totally worn out with the drama but I know the premise and it seems somehow familiar these days.  People are not thinking rationally and governments are cracking down on human rights just so they can control the masses.  I live in the redneck state of Tennessee where medical weed will surely die at the hands of the GOP while we refuse refugees and wait for Peyton to become president.  Haslam lets the senate do his dirty work so he can appear to be a bit more liberal than he is.  I am not fooled.  I don't care how many kids you send to community college for free because hey...that's what the lottery is for, remember?  Fuck all of you, and Jim Cooper too.  Oh and Lamar?  Bite me.

Sixty years is a long time in this day and age because technology has advanced so rapidly in the last 20.  I had no computer in HS...just a typewriter.  BG began keyboarding as a young child and eventually taught me how to get online during the ICQ era.  My first PC was a big old clunker bought 2nd hand from DSCC by my wonderful parents and delivered on Christmas eve.  I was hooked from day one!  Around here tech was limited to a few providers at first, one of whom also owned BBQ restaurants.

I can't give a politically correct story of what happened to us to get to where we are now.  I can, however, remember how Wall Street crashed time and time again until we became slaves to the high dollar folks.  Most people my age aren't considering retirement because they "need the insurance."  BG is paying cash for a mobile ultrasound this evening because it's about a hundred times cheaper than you know where.  No insurance.  Obamacare wouldn't take her!

I watched my frail little mother trudge over grass and mud on a walker to pay homage to her late husband and it took some time for us to get there. There were several others out and about so I had to move the car out of that narrow little path.  She of the always quick wit exclaimed "I'm walking on somebody's grave!"  Also, always thankful, she gave me props for the ride.  Another thing off the list, she said.

Expectant ~

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

christmas past

My parents used to host a tremendous Christmas party every year where there was tons of food, the house was decorated up and everybody went home with a dated ornament.  Yes, my mother rivals Martha Stewart in the entertainment department.  That's how she came to have thousands of pieces with which to celebrate a season that starts after Thanksgiving, hopefully.  She jumped the gun and hung a wreath plus got a tree while the rest of them are waiting for Dec 1.  They're official now.  Going through all that stuff is kind of like yard saleing fo free!  It still staggers me every time I go in.  I did find the key to the safe deposit box after Bubba paid to have it opened.  Who the hell knows why it was in that drawer.

Both of my parents were meticulous with their organizational skills which is something that I sadly lack. I suppose I make up for it in other areas like "creativity" but I pretty much need a keeper.  Slowly but surely I'm coming to terms with  all the change that this past year has brought.  My piles have moved and grown but are not gone yet.  By the time they are, I'll be dead and BG can sort!  It seems normal without them there now, and the quiet affords me a chance to hear the creaks in that old place again.  No TV blaring is an amazing thing.

I can see myself living there now when formerly I couldn't.  It was too much them and years of memories but I would like to make new ones.  Supposedly that is not an option so I guess I'll stay on the hill and take the hit on rent.  After all, I did get a 1% raise.  I'm very encouraged by what I'm feeling right now politically because it's becoming increasingly uncool to be a gun nut.  Our local emergency response team is actually teaching a class on how to deal with an active shooter.  How did we get here people?   This is not your 2nd amendment right.  It's murder.

With that being said I must applaud Planned Parenthood for the services that they offer, abortion and all.  The group that doctored up the videos and put them out there to fan the flames should be shut down  only wait...NO!  It's funded by conservative Americans.  I have always been one to look on the sunny side but this shit has to stop before we're ALL dead body parts.

Waiting on washer guy and UPS.  More later ~

Monday, November 30, 2015

an open letter

While everybody else was struggling with a post-four day weekend return to work I was hanging on for dear life to be off tomorrow.  I managed to duck out early just in time to help Mama try on all her pants that no longer fit which means I'll be shopping online.  Her weight has dropped to 102 and she wears that like a badge of honor since she formerly was quite a "big girl."  She went through this phase when she started losing where we hauled all her duds to Mary Lou's house for alterations and picked 'em up after church with Daddy riding shotgun.  That was a few years ago when she dropped from 160ish to about 125.  O.M.G. What really hurts is that she blames me for not  being there all the time now when I was expressly told by staff to back off because we were volatile.  I am the devil, remember?  She is so indecisive and nice that I get worn out after about ten minutes.  Bubba says "a yes or no answer will do, Mother."  Everything has to be quantified and described and well, thought through.  As a procrastinator and former passive aggressive person I can testify that they go hand in hand.

I saw the beginning of flu season piling up in our waiting room with patients from doctor's offices that don't test coming to us.  It is a steady stream of folks in the ER and as outpatients and what I don't understand ( other than making money or pacifying a patient ) why the testing is done.  There is no cure.  Tamiflu is not affordable.  I am too old for this job.  I saw something  curled up on the light cover in blood bank today that looked like a snake and bossfriend put on an alert to the maintenance department.  Now, you're lucky to get one of these guys in the same day for a call but FOUR of them showed up with a ladder!  Meanwhile our favorite Hemo field service rep was in and out doing his thing as was the pathologist du jour.  Never a dull moment, y'all.

Once again I feel compelled to address all you gun nuts on the open carry issue.  And also on the abortion issue that shouldn't even be one because of a ruling by the SCOTUS.  And, once again, on the climate change "issue" which will shortly render us fried, flooded and windswept.  It's not Obama's fault, or Bush's.  It is what it is and if we don't buy into some evolutionary tactics pretty soon, it's zombie time.

And for that very reason....I choose faith.  

Sunday, November 29, 2015

rushing christmas

Well, it's still November so I'm not behind yet even though Bubba already has mom's tree up and lit at the home.  I'm in charge of ornaments and have been "under the weather" for the past week with green snot disease and an ear infection.  The work week was usual plus holiday, one day off and the long weekend.  There is Tuesday to look forward to and that's probably when the ornaments will happen unless I get a burst of energy post-sawmill tomorrow.  Their angel is missing so I'm thinking she can use the one that the Little General gave me 30 years ago.  She is textured linen and beautiful.  For years I used Gaga's tacky thing with the tinfoil hat until one of the dogs destroyed it.  Tradition, you know.

The hardest thing for us as a family will be Christmas without either father.  Both of them loved the spirit of the season and my Dad, in particular, got all into the decorating.  He would patiently put single silver icicles on the fir tree while I pitched them up in bunches letting them land every which a way.  Their yard is filled with live white pines that were once where we gathered to open presents.  Once my youngest brother and his buddy backed over one in a truck and duct taped it back so Daddy wouldn't get mad.  UCMTSU.

I'm patiently waiting on wifi just like I patiently wait on everything because Lord knows, you can't force life unless you're a dictator.  It's still quite warm for late November, but the kudzu and basil are dead from that one frost.  No bodies visible yet, by the way.  There is a man coming to town this week who was a POW during the Vietnam war when I was, um, shall we say...heavily influenced by the counter culture at a young age.  He returned to Dyersburg and  hero's welcome which my boyfriend at the time, refused to honor.  Being young and dumb, I just followed right behind his thinking.  Looking back, I realize how much of the passion that I have for avoiding war is because of people like Col. Hughey.  When the United States goes to war, honorable citizens desire to defend our freedoms, trusting that the government has their best interests at heart.  By now, we know better.

Today is the first Sunday in Advent and I am anticipating.  How about you?

Saturday, November 28, 2015

home grown

 Well, it happened again like we all knew it would.  Crazy person who lives in a state where it is both legal and common to carry a long gun in public and unload it on innocents.  That includes a whole lot of law enforcement types who are just trying to keep people safe.  Dude had the same wild and crazy face as the Waffle House shooter.  Mali gets hit again.  Refugees lounging around in Europe waiting for the Allies to step up.  Republicans digging in for the long haul and be damned if the people suffer.  I am so over it I'd just like to crawl in a bunker and play  Hunger Games.  Nobody is safe anywhere, especially in this not so great country of ours.  In case y'all don't remember let me refresh you on the 9/11 crew.  They had planning the mission for around five years and even did flight training and nobody ever took the threat seriously.  That is, until it became real.

As for the fundies as they shall now be called, I'm more afraid of them than of any Muslim, even a radical one.  They do what they do believing with all their hearts that Jesus would approve and it's just pathetic. So you don't believe in the mission of PP?  Don't go there.  You are not God or the President or any other super human with the power to take a life because you don't agree with something.  According to the SCOTUS abortion is legal.   End of story.  Plus, they prevent STDs and unwanted pregnancies and screen for breast cancer.

It started raining last night about dark and I went to bed early with the dogs.  They love it when that happens.  The Camry pushed water as I headed into the sawmill this morning, and it was still dark like my mood.  I couldn't shake it all day and still can't put a name to the aggravation I feel.  Maybe just the helpless feeling that comes with surrender.

Serendipity ~

Friday, November 27, 2015

dead skunk in the middle of the road

I've been dodging one for almost a week but the hawks have pretty much cleaned up.  Last night I went to the cabin to look for Christmas ornaments and immediately got sidetracked with all the stuff upstairs.  There is a LIVE skunk under the porch there and Oscar must have pissed him off because it smelled like Cheech and Chong up in Daddy's old office.

So, I'm tickled to death to not be at Black Friday events anywhere but here at Pecan Lane.  The estimated rent increase just for windows and doors is 150 bucks so it looks like paint will have to wait.  I'm barely on my feet and can't take on much more.  That improvement should help with heating and cooling costs.  Hopefully.  Maybe.  We'll see.  It blows my mind to think about how much I've spent in 28 years to live here and I have nothing to show for it.  I will be the one who goes looking for somebody to take me in after retirement!  I can probably qualify for low income housing then.

William the washer guy is busy so no service call until Tuesday.  Meanwhile, Exceed sat wireless failed to inform their installer that mine was cancelled so he showed up in the 'burg.  Sorry.  Also not in the budget.  FedEx ( and everybody else ) can't find the address here because the owner changed the name of the road and evidently I'm off the grid.  They always call when they can't locate.  Hopefully the laptop will be delivered today.

There are messes to clean and piles to sort so I'm outta here to see what can be accomplished in one day off.  Keep the faith kids.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

give thanks

I have this tune stuck in my head from church that starts with "give thanks to the lord above..." and I want to hear it but it's not in the hymnal and who knows who wrote it.  I remember hearing the choir perform it when  we returned to the fold as a family for something or other with BG in tow.  Our family had been separated and we were ( against all odds ) together church, no less.  Our spiritual upbringings couldn't have been more different with he as a walkaway from the wrath of God and me the faithful one believing in love and forgiveness.  In his eyes, he couldn't  allow himself to worship while he was still "sinning".  I never really understood that philosophy other than a way to avoid the whole thing.  I've been in and out of love with the church proper all my life, but never stopped believing in the goodness of humanity.  It is what makes the hellish dialogue that is our daily life worth struggling for.

Chicago is and always has been a tough town.  I cannot imagine being in law enforcement anywhere that big and crime ridden.  With that being said, I will tell you that if the work situation is so out of control that something like that tape I saw can happen, somebody needs EAP.  The officer in question had been reprimanded time after time for bullying incidents but no official action was ever taken.  Now, granted the tape was blurry and I didn't see the knife, only when dude shot his ass more than once on the ground.  And the talking heads say "this shit can be altered."  Alrighty then.  I guess that's why it took so long for it to be released ( without sound ) and viewed by the general public like me.  I'm sure he had a knife and was waving it around like they said.  He was running like a scalded dog when they cornered him  and probably way high. fill in the blanks.

We had a brief but enjoyable lunch at the home out of a Cracker Barrel box and the leftovers are in the frig.  Beats the hell out of cooking for a day.  Here there and everywhere people are gathered with their family du jour for a meal and some happy thoughts, well.  Except for the ones with drunk GOP uncles!  T and I had a three way convo with Peyton yesterday while I sought advice on wifi.  I am seriously glad we talked because I was about to make a HUGE mistake with a sat company.  Contracts are for the birds.

Somewhere in late spring of this year I could see that my ship was sinking and I needed relief.  That's when I visited BAD with the law dog and got my train on the right track.  There will be 5 years to pay and I might die before then but hopefully the court won't take my life insurance from BG.  She'll need that to move to Fiji and spread my ashes.  We are world weary around here to say the least and, at this point, just going through the motions.  Sometimes though, that's the best thing to do.

Keep on believing, no matter what.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

tears of thanksgiving

I received an unexpected call from Joe the monument guy today telling me that Daddy's stone was in place so I cruised by after work for a look-see.  The front side is standard but the back holds his bronze VA plaque and it is beautiful.  Mom has been so worried about him out there with no marker other than the tiny grinning picture and my ratty little flag.  It's been easy to find him lately because I know about where and there's dirt with no grass.  That will change next year, and I will have to memorize the location.  It's all ready for Mama whenever her time comes which shouldn't be soon because she's been kind of "sprunty".  That's a word she made up to describe feeling a bit cocky.  Her sadness comes and goes but not nearly as frequently as before, and she is adapting to a new home and routine.

Evidently a lot of people are taking four days off ( not me ) and it's one of the busiest travel days of the year. Once again, my day consisted of putting out fires with blood and blood products.   Sickness knows no holiday and I've been doing it for 38 years.  HOWEVER...I'd be seriously pissed if I were a retail worker and had to clock in.and sell jojos or blue light specials.

My turkey and dressing will be picked up, delivered to the home and enjoyed by our little tribe in Mama's room.  Bubba makes sure she has plenty of plates and whatnot so thankyouverymuch people who gave me Cracker Barrel cards when Daddy died.  We shall dine thankfully on your generosity.  Bubba and Lauren are off and I plan to join them during my lunch time.  Depending on workflow, of course.  If the gods don't work with me, they can bring us a plate.

I am barreling down toward the regular income I had prior to the summer so I'm trying to spend wisely like on health items and electronics.  BG has been dreaming about her own daddy, still lost in the grief that is unique to being a young woman suddenly without her biggest cheerleader.  I try, but I have boundaries.  He never did and that makes what they had a very special bond.  She has learned things from him that I could never teach like commitment and purpose and devotion to sobriety.

I say we stay out of the whole Turkey/Russia thing and save our strategy for ISIS.  Babysteps, y'all.  Terrorism comes in many forms and they can't all be just stomped out like a stray fire.  There is organization and passion and generations of hatred woven into the actions of terrorists, and that includes the white home grown ones here in the USA.

I passed my neighbor's mother being hauled on a trailer by her daughter-in-law on a four wheeler.  She had a little plastic bag and had been picking up a few pecans, which is about all we have this year.  She even invited me to eat with them!  These people definitely get a cake.

Gobble gobble ~

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

the girl who knew too much

We are minus some folks up at the sawmill because um..times are tough all over.  With that being said, I did enjoy our conversation this morning regarding blood utilization.  Because, well it's been my life for a lot of years.  I just about croaked when I saw that Russian plane get shot down.  It's been a lot of years since things were, as they say, precarious worldwide.  It's pretty much a (insert your favorite race) fire drill at this point.  Yeah that one...the one your first grade teacher taught you to fear with order!  I'm not saying I don't trust Putin...I really kind of do.  We just need to make wise moves in forming alliances because the ultimate goal is to get rid of terrorism.  Right?  No more dead people..right?

Do not dare get your pompous Republican asses up in my face and say no to refugees from Syria when you have failed the least of these who already live here.  Our entire state is a financial and operational hub for corporate healthcare with a UT homeboy as mascot.  And now United is dropping the ACA so there's that.  Don't even get me started on Trump.  Hospitals are dying on the vine because they are forced to treat bullshit urgent care type of stuff just to make money.  In a CYA sort of way, that doesn't make much sense.  Most people don't know enough about the system to even begin to think about lawyering up.  I was a part of a team that investigated a suit many years ago and I almost got fired for crying.  It was me and Bossfriend against the entire surgery department and we were like lambs to the lions because actually?  That's what true risk management consists of.  The ability to say I messed up, I'm sorry and let's move on and make this a better place!  

Some days I actually think it will happen.  Today was one of those.


Monday, November 23, 2015

never never land

I've never been very daring when it comes to life choices.  If it's gonna' cause drama, I pretty much avoid it these days.  My friend and fellow bitch Shannon is pitching for ideas for a good yet inexpensive gift for a 21-23 year old male.  I suggested, as you guessed it.  Beer!  This woman has her hands full with more drama than any one mama should be able to take yet she still manages to crack me up on a daily basis.  There's something comforting about a friend you can call bitch as a compliment.

Ryder's puppy Maggie has been out romping lately with her daddy and BG visited with them today. They pretty much stay on that side of the golf course as if they know where home base is.  Ryder's death was yet another loss that preceded most of the human ones and it hurt just as much.  It was, however, a real joy pimping those pups.  They were born in cold weather under the floor of our barn and didn't come out for a month.  Then all of a sudden there were 9 in the flower bed tromping through mud and hearts.  That's how blessings come from tragedy.  The people that I met and bonded with and who showed compassion to me during that time are angels.

This will be our second Thanksgiving but first Christmas away from the homestead.  Mr. Administrator says no home visits for six months plus it's all scattered with stuff memorabilia and whatnot, just waiting to be explored on a snowy day.  The plan is to move the log cabin up the hill to sit on the bluff behind the dairy barn.  That way crops are not working around it and she gets to sit at the point with the most beauty of any on this farm.  My the time all is said and done, there will be a compound right here on the lane.   My new best friend is the painter named Salvador.  Nothing happens until January which is fine because I'm about to get broke.  I spent the last of what money I had left from my "inheritance" on a laptop, tablet and wireless.  If I am to ever get ahead, I need the right tools.

With that being said, I'm thankful that isis got the shit bombed out of their oil trucks, that Bernie is gaining steam and that Trump will more than likely being the butt of many more memes.  That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.  If karma will have it, I might just get to have a voice at the sawmill.  Stay tuned.

Humility ~

Sunday, November 22, 2015

let's go krogering!

We've been pretty much eating out because the things we have in-house require too much prep and there's no dishwasher.  Thus, the joy of finger foods.  Taking my time and fully expecting to see my brother I went light except for the ingredients for the famous triple fudge chocolate cakes that shall be made soon.  I'll start with 4 and see how that goes.  We did, indeed, meet up in the meat department where we discussed our Thanksgiving plan among other things.  Everybody is scurrying around scooping up what they need to avoid another trip.  Wore my old ass out!  I saw old friends there and they looked as tired as me and Bubba.  Hell...everybody's tired.  Enough with the drama.

Mama was getting dressed when I stopped by and we chose an outfit from among her many, with an eye on the freezing temperature.  No wind though, so it's good.  Over the past five years I've seen her be rushed out the door to a church service way too early for her.  Lots of "spells" over that kind of bullying.  But here's the thing.  Daddy could not help what happened to his brain.  Dementia, particularly chemically induced like his, comes in a lot of different shapes.  His was OCD and control.

Mom has always been the peacemaker..a buffer between her fear of confrontation and Daddy's rage.  He softened after BG was born and they had so many good times together when she was little.  LP, he called her.  And none other than Max and Sally started that nickname.  My neighbor has her mother living there plus a house full of cousins.   She gave me a ride to pick up the Cadi and we discovered that we, too, have ties to the past.  Funny how that works sometimes.

As for you FB trolls, just know that I'm past being mad and am now just sad but you don't scare me or even make me think.  Cut and paste rants are a coward's way out when a real discussion is  in progress.  That means you TOz and also CAE.  At some point in dialogue when one side strikes out at "the other", nobody really has a chance to be in the middle.  Do y'all not see how that works???  A gentleman from long ago offered to bury one in my honor this week.  I thought that was mighty sweet.

So...I'm still letting Anonymous get my interest when I should know better by now.  If the big outlets don't run your news, it's not been fact checked or it's just plain dangerous.  That being said, anybody who is out at major crowd type events any freakin' where right now better be prepared to run.  Just saying.  That's why you'll find me here on Pecan Lane with my tribe.

Love ~

Saturday, November 21, 2015


I am such a faithful writer blog addict that I come up in here everyday on Mama's keyboard with the fat yellow squares and pour my innermost thoughts out to the world.  Forgetting that I do that makes it sort of funny when I tell a story in person and somebody says "I know" and I'm like "How?"  Duh.  There's my sign.  Over the years and three different sites I have done everything from type in caps ( scream ) to weave stories from my own experiences.  Very little of it is made up because, well.  You just CAN't make that shit up sometimes.  My neighbor dropped me off to pick up the Cadi this morning and I discovered that she is originally from here.  What a small world.  I wrote a check to Patterson Brothers that equals a month's worth of rent after windows and paint.  And she is chilling in the back in front of the old barn.

So now Brussels is getting interesting in a smart sort of way where the government just shuts the whole thing down and tells everybody to stay home.   I can't wait to see what kind of shitstorm happens in this country if it comes to that.  Hey..sometimes you gotta' do what's necessary to figure out who the bad guys are.  Meanwhile the refugees are stuck in Europe because our states are refusing them.  On top of all that, Al Q is not dead and they're jealous of all the attention ISIS is getting so they're acting up.

We started watching Amy Schumer do standup comedy on cable eons ago.  I had forgotten how damn funny she is until BG got Trainwreck which also features a couple of SNL favorites.  Not everybody gets her kind of humor, but I totally do.  Most people will tell you that I march to a different drummer and I wear that like a badge of honor.  Not to be "different" or difficult but to be who I am inside the old soul that is the Poopster.  It's rainy, cold and dark and this house is dimly lit.   Time for some candles and a seance I suppose.  Anything to keep the faith, you know.

Humor ~