Wednesday, December 31, 2014

auld lang syne

Holiday Inn is my favorite old B&W movie and I be I've watched it a million times. There's something special about holidays, or there used to be before everything got all commercialized. Though I'm a firm believer in not waiting until a special occasion to give someone a gift, it's always nice to be remembered at those times. Right now I'm on the road to Epiphany, crossing the desert on a camel looking for that star. Tomorrow is not only a new day but a whole new year. I used to get all psyched up about a clean calendar promising lots of important things. At the age of 59 I can honestly say that's not the norm. Life is filled to the brim with survival tactics that would rival Hunger Games in intensity, for me and for many others. Shit happens, times change and before you know it normal has morphed into something new. I think that the ability to embrace change is one of the most important things that can enhance satisfaction with life. I have learned a lot of lessons this year that will be helpful next time around, such as:

It's not all Obama's fault.

Always pay attention to the weather when there is ice involved.

You can't borrow your way out of debt.

Rehab does not mean it's over.

If someone hurts you by being who they are, it's your problem not theirs.

You will miss your parents forever even before they are gone.

One bad day doesn't equal a bad life. Peaks and valleys y'all.

There are good kind people in the world who don't hoard their money or talents. Jesus wants us to be like them.

Each day is an opportunity to do the next right thing.

No matter how bad life seems, somebody else always has it worse.

When the economy is lousy, the price of gas goes down because demand tanks when nobody can afford to go anywhere except the Koch brothers.

Kim and Putin are foolish asshats who are made to look bigger than life by the media while their people suffer.

That's just a smattering of Poopie's nuggets of wisdom circa 2014. I am weary in spite of a lot of self care and I don't see an opportunity any time soon for that to change unless I win the lottery and I don't play so there you go. It tears me up seeing people spend 50 bucks on tickets while I get 10 in gas but it's their money. I reckon they'll eat the paper after it's scratched off.

Happy holidays~

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

funky cold (medina)

If you remember that and have ever done a chair dance to it, raise your hand! It's a great song to stretch the bitch out to, if you know what I mean. I slept a solid 12 hours and never woke except to turn over. As long as I live I will never take that opportunity for granted again. When you're old and tired it takes a long time to regroup. I see my body wearing out pretty quickly and that doesn't bode well for living a long and prosperous time during my golden years, wherever they may be. I've spent the morning washing clothes and cleaning the office, adding to the already existing piles that are recognizable. You gotta' start somewhere.

Earlier I was gazing at the ceilings noting that they were spray painted by my late KY cousin and haven't been touched in 26 years except for cleaning. Now mind you, I have no vacuum cleaner so that involves climbing a ladder with a Swiffer which is not such a good idea for this old gal. Maybe when I have a day off I can borrow mama's Electrolux and get rid of the dust bunnies so we can breathe better. It's a thought for something to do when I'm not hauling garbage in the not so trusty old Camry. There has been no driver's side door handle for years as its' little plastic bonded to metal piece broke off in the ice. Today wasn't icy but it was cold so I wasn't really surprised when the one on the passenger's side did the same while I was attempting to clean out the floor. This was when I ran home at break to check on BG who fell on her tailbone (aka coccyx) for the 4th time today. Little black cloud, I tell you.

There comes a point when one sees the opportunity to jump off the sinking ship even if there is no rescue boat visible and that is where I find myself now on a lot of different levels. I have lived a somewhat "safe" life in a small town doing respectable things like raising a child and raising hell when I got the chance only to find myself stuck and miserable. There is nothing wrong with that by any means, but it begs for something a bit more fun for the last chapter of my life and I will claim it because I can and it's not too late. Possibilities are what's up. Other than that? I got nothing except another downed Asian plane. I bet that fat little fuck in NOK did it. Keep the faith ^j^

Sunday, December 28, 2014


In the usual sense of the word, that means for something to be over. As in court, church, whatever you are attending where someone in authority says it's time to formally make it over. There is yet another meaning of that same word which describes how one's ideas can be written off as not only not possible but foolish. This usually happens with those in a power position as well, the ones who have you by the short hairs. Bosses do it...parents do it. In my case presently someone who doesn't give a shit about me or my family is calling the shots with our lives here. I have mentioned before that I am perpetually attached to this farm as in would HATE to leave but I see it coming. Don't own means can't defend and the rules and honor of my father's generation are long gone. My future is in the hands of some thirty somethings who also don't care except for the money it brings them. I think I mentioned that my father began as manager of the farm in 1956 when I was a year old and it was arranged by my maternal grandfather who managed properties. Until the age of 55 he did double duty as a USDA man during the day and small farmer all the rest of the time. It was a wonderful way to grow up riding on hay trucks and seeing cows give birth.

The owner would visit couple of times a year and bring the whole family that included several boys and a girl. They would visit on the screened in porch or under the magnolia trees sitting in yard chairs and posing for the vacation picture at the shack. It was Daddy's job to make sure the horses were healthy and get them ready to ride. I remember seeing him being treated as "their boy" more or less and being angry but I had to get over it when I realized that he himself just followed in his own father's footsteps being a sharecropper. His farm $$ did indeed buy cars and food and lots of Christmas presents. I'm sure it even helped pay for my college degree.

Here's my point...There is within each of us a dreamer, one who wants to leave a mark on the world in a positive way, thinking that it's possible and NOK won't shoot the idea down with a drone. No wait, that's Obama who has drones. Everyone has the desire to be kind and good unless they are mentally ill and even they do too at times. A totalitarian sort of capitalistic caste system is rampant in this country and it is by no means something that is just Tea Party adrenaline. I read today that the Kochs and Soros are "talking" which makes me snort because the extremists of both polarized parties are being forced to reach across the aisle, if you will. It's about us guys...remember? We the people?????

So anyway my idea was dismissed and I immediately went to plan B which included keeping my appointment with the framer because she's also a personal trainer and overall fun gal..I can tell on the phone. More friends are dropping by so I'm excited aboutjust not going ANYWHERE for a day. Well, except maybe to the Dock.

Peace and love and go Bernie ^j^

Saturday, December 27, 2014

almost saturday night

Ordinarily that's not a big deal to me because I don't do anything but go to bed early like always, however this is the eve of my last of seven days in a row and I feel a subtle exhausting tinge of joy thinking about a day off from the sawmill. I've been twisting and stretching all day trying to work the shoulder and get it to relax. It is literally drawn toward the right side of my body in a very painful sort of way that is constant and deep. It begs for Flexaril which I thought didn't help before but I bet would now that the repair has been done. But then there's that pesky co-pay to see a provider just to get a prescription. Plus the cost of the drug. No wonder I'm weaning myself off of everything. It's monsoon time in Tennessee and over a large part of the country, truth be known. I figure the end of the lane was covered most of the day while I was gone.

Now that my OD statements come by email there is rarely anything in the box which explains why the USPS is struggling to re-brand their services for survival. I don't care who you are, there's nothing like getting a hand written card in the mail. I have made the first of several appointments concerning the future and will meet with a professional on Monday concerning framing and distribution of my farm photography. How many folks with a badass camera like mine get to live in the middle of paradise where you can take shots off the porch. I am blessed, for sure. After that I'll catch back up with the Co.Starters instructor for some serious small business chat. Creativity tends to flow in those settings, especially when the teacher knows what you have in mind. I've change my mind again but I have the tools to switch course.

The news today was all about Little Kim and how he blames Obama for his internet outage. That's the funniest shit I've heard in ages! The Asians...inventors of modern electronic communication...accusing him of espionage. I'm sure the conservatives agree because as we all know "it's Obama's fault!" Joe Cocker died this week and so did my friend Steve's mother. The warp speed of all things happening has worn my soul down but my daddy always told me it was thus and so as you age and I guess he would know. After all he's over 80!! Sometimes I wonder if I'll be like him when I'm that age and I figure I probably will. I'm like Mom in a lot of ways, but I do have that stubborn Stafford streak in me.

There are very few things I miss about having a man around but one of them is having help for stuff like cars breaking down and whatnot. I know a lot of women who can take care of that kind of thing without them, but I'm not one of 'em. Never had to, you know? Since I've been single the absence of a dependable guy hasn't been too bad because of all my many male friends. That's where you earn stars in your crown guys..when you do it to help rather than because you have to in order to appease a wife or girlfriend. One guy friend actually performed a tune-up in the parking lot of the sawmill on that trusty old Camry and even bought the stuff. I still owe him a bottle of Scotch.

Here's to a bright and shining new year full of opportunity, grace and peace.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

christmas present

As Big Ernie allowed, I was able to have a nice Christmas breakfast with my family even while flu season raged. BG and Bubba did the cooking with my contribution of grits in the oven along with biscuits which were definitely not the ones she used to make with shortening. Hers were short and greasy creations that went perfectly with purple hulls and fresh corn from our garden. The was usually a fried veggie or two like squash or green tomatoes and we ate right off the plate lined with paper towels while she fussed at us to stop. Sorry's too good to pass on! Daddy's favorite summertime dessert was cornbread and pea juice. It was a time that is long gone but dear to my soul as a country girl. My brothers both became farmers of sorts, each choosing a way to work with the land that they have in a BlueRidge valley and the other around Pecan Lane. Thanks to Zuck and FB I got to see my niece asleep on their couch and she and her brother watching the Grinch who stole the whole show. Somehow I have to believe that he's a tea party conservative. At my age, not much will change in this demolibtard mind. It is what it is.

So most everybody except the sickest of the sick stayed home long enough to open Santa prior to showing up in the ER for a flu and strep test because all the urgent cares were closed. Hospitals never shut down y'all. We are there 24/7 on rotation and working ungodly hours to take care of you and your sick family when you need it. We drive emergency trucks and do long shifts and generally get the job done even when your kids scream or you give us an attitude about seeking treatment. And when all is said and done? We go home and tell our families how we "helped people". It's a lovely concept and one that centers around the fact that medical care is something that we take for granted in this country. What if we depended on Doctors Without Borders for our shots? Wellness is what's up people, and organic farming plus a less toxic environment are the key to our survival. Every time I smell the chemicals wafting over the corn fungus I get a little bit sicker. Drift is terrible on a hill with a sprayer next door.

So my favorite personal trainer dropped by this morning to show me how to build up the bitch arm because it's about to play out. Everything was good while I was off and in a sling but two months back at it set the whole thing in motion again. Thank goodness Gay and Victor care enough to treat fo'free! My friend William called just to touch base and tell me he loves me plus he was having holiday sadness but so was I. I cried off and on all day, a little bit nostalgic for those days when we all believed in miracles.

Keep the faith ^j^

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

vote for gay

No Sugardaddy didn't show up at the sawmill or on the front porch or anything. In spite of Christmas evedness, BG and I set out on today's mission of getting us both to and from work with only one car that runs. It was kinda' complicated since she had to be there three hours after me and got off later. I ended up leaving to scoop her up during my break and dropping her off returning after work AND an MFR treatment to pick up her tired and busted ass. Gay finally got her hands on "the bitch" for real and they struggled mightily for a long time. It's the first time I've felt her budge in years! Words cannot express how grateful I am to have that particularly monkey off my back for now. I'm sure she'll return with a vengeance, but I'll continue to seek treatment until she heads off to the moon never to return for painful nights and tingly armed days. Since seeking treatment my posture has improved (it was horridly slumped) and lower back pain has been absent in spite of old tennis shoes.

We had a low tire this morning as in almost flat so on the way I stopped at Patterson Brothers, home of free air, to get it back up. It was raining and I was muddy and had my ass all up in the air doing the deed when somebody tackled me from behind laughing like a fool and my glasses fell off in a puddle. I turned around to find somebody I'd never met who thought I was BG because she recognized the ride and the scrubs. That's how I met Shorty with Melissa waving from their car. They messaged her a short while later telling her I almost had a heart attack which is true, for sure. We laughed all the way to Hell's Kitchen about it.

Part of my job is drawing blood from everybody for tests and on this particular day I found myself facing the task of alienating my baby cousin by pricking his finger. He cried, but not much and before he left I got a snotty nosed kiss and hug. Nom nom! Hey..I handle people's snot all day, ya know? We are ass deep in FluA season so carry a mask with you at all times, even if you got the shot. The CDC and big pharm are notorious for missing the mark and pushing Tamiflu for their stockholders.

I had thought about just "skipping Christmas" this year but in spite of my intentions it has almost arrived and I'm okay with that. I still have a lot of days to work before I can sleep past 5AM but the schedule looks a lot better than before I made a win/win swap with a co-worker. Time to get to cooking those cheese grits. Gaga's recipe doesn't call for milk, and so it shall be.

Peace on earth and joy to you and yours!

Tuesday, December 23, 2014


These days are kind of melting together now to the point that I have a hard time telling you what day of the week it is. Not so with the date because I see it a million times a day at the sawmill. Christmas eve eve, if you will. My only holiday task is to prepare cheese grits for brunch which I will hopefully get to eat with my family. The grands have decided to spring for the Carol Burnett collection which I think is marvelous...their gift to each other. In the past it's always been this big deal of ordering and hiding for months in advance and running to the mall at the last minute. I like it better this way and I feel sure baby jeebus does too all tucked in that manger snug as a bug. When I think about his beginnings and ministry and how abandoned he felt by his God at the end, it makes me sad that I can be so self centered at times because I have felt forsaken by so many insignificant things.

This is officially post #1306 which goes to show you that I never know when to quit in spite of severe CTS of the right hand (which begins in the shoulder and neck). An old friend and co-worker came by to visit today and we took turns chatting him up as he waited for wifey to have lunch with her friends and co-workers. It's a long story that the bad arm won't allow for now, but this guy from Camden who ended up in Eugene OR of all places is one of the dearest I've ever had both in and out of the workplace. We were in the same SS class for many years which met right next door to where my parents were. An offshoot from another class, we focused less on socializing and a whole lot on Bible study. We took turns as teachers much of the time though there were this one guy who wanted to run the entire show himself. There's one in every crowd.

My most important goal for the new year is to focus on looking ahead rather than behind. There's a lot of drama and pain back there and I'm too close to the end to dwell on it. From this point on I will shake it off and move up. I have put things on the "back burner" that are essential to my wellness and sanity and it shows. I tend to make excuses for why I can't rather than grasp the possibility that I can. My boundaries are hard earned and a lot firmer than they used to be.

Yes.I.Can ^j^

Monday, December 22, 2014

remember when

If I had any pride left before today, the last of it got cried out over the phone to a couple of folks who really didn't want to deal with my problems or else they were crazy busy like me. I asked favors of both that require trust in me and gave it to Big Ernie. At this point, it's all I've got. The evil stomach virus hung around for another morning of dizziness and nausea but by noon it was all good. I actually woke up feeling pretty good this morning all things considered. Sleeping with the therapy ball under my shoulder is about the best feeling in my little world. For that amount of time, my fingers don't tingle after the initial burn.

We passed the way cute mailman on the way home this afternoon and I remembered how amazed he was at the story of BF and his role in the whole miracle. I think it's pretty cool that the USPS always delivered instead of FedEx or UPS. That sounds like a clue right there! The one and only happy that I ordered arrived two weeks after it was debited but it's not for me so I'll just wrap that bitch up and put it down there with the snowman on the tree skirt. Merry indeed. I'm down for Christmas Eve now so nobody will go without blood during the holidays. Or any other time, for that matter!

Booger was with BG when she picked me up and was munching on one of Mama Staff's butter cookies while Oscar watched on. That little dude loves to ride in the backseat and let his hair fly in the wind. Something's up with my car now where I smell gas when it's running and I don't have a clue what it is but it might be what's making us dizzy. Or we might just be worn ass out and have the flu.

All day I kept thinking about that cry from the wilderness that was omen of things to come. A virgin birth was announced and another baby did a big leap of joy inside the womb. Everbody was gathering to PAY THEIR TAXES....ahem, and there in the most simple of settings a miracle of a baby was born. This child grew to be a healer and social activist who died at the hands of an angry mob with a few homeboys standing watch. And all he ever did was try to teach us how to care for each other humanely. Most days, I think we've missed the mark.

Keep the faith ^j^

Sunday, December 21, 2014


It's funny how different people wear theirs. Unless I'm sick or overwhelmed mine don't usually sit on my sleeve because I hate drama. It is a soul sucking idiotic waste of time to get your little feelings hurt every time looks at you the wrong way. I was that way at one time in life so I know the difference. Maturity dictates a picking of battles sort of mentality to survive unscathed by those who thrive on keeping the pot stirred. And there are plenty, by the way. I try really hard to be objective about criticism and suggestions for improvement. As a result, I have decided that an exit strategy is in order, not only for the things that make me feel bad about myself but for things that have gone on way too long out of failure to set boundaries and seek change. I was offered an opportunity recently that would have been possible if I had a dependable car so that's on the list along with legal advice on finances and other issues. I've always been a dreamer and I'm "failing to thrive" in that area these days.

Daddy and I went to eggs and doughnuts today after I went to check on Mom and found her already perched in the chair waiting for breakfast to be served. She eats like a bird but drinks lots of fruit tea so there's some value added nutrition right there. We also had a very confusing (again)discussion about what pills to take and stuff because she still has a month's worth from before she went into rehabland. That was before I became the devil I think. She and Daddy both are into that hiding thing that the elderly do...fixing up little sacks and projects for ummmm...what, a rainy day? It's human nature and a desire to control and retain personal dignity. I respect that and have learned that they're the ones calling the shots not me. It is an unsafe situation but not one where there is no able mind to make decisions. That may come and we will deal with it then. As long as Ms Faye and HH are on board, we're pretty much safe if mom will just stay in her chair and not try to get "sprunty." That's her word, by the way. It has always amazed me that she lectures on the subject of self care yet fails to practice it.

My shoulder hurts BAD. I've about decided it's the other carpal tunnel on a rampage so I'm asking Santa for a brace in my stocking. That and MFR should help in a non-pharmaceutical way. I went three days without a dose of anti-crazy this week and it showed, I'm just saying. I depend on an SRUI to keep me balanced and not climbing the water tower and the week was just so wild it got away from me before payday. Several co-workers have been blessed with Montezuma's revenge over the past week and it hit me today bright and early. Headache. Body aches. The works! In the words of many people "It's hell gettin' old." I went to pick up BG at her job this afternoon and we gave Antonio a ride home. The Bossman were out back doing bossly things like smoking cigars and whatnot and I hollered at him that my brother said hey. They both have young kids at an age they never dreamed possible. Dude hunts a lot and has more money than God.

I am horrified like the rest of the country over the execution style killings of NYC police officers supposedly for "michael brown." Bullshit people! I hope every asshat who stoked this fire in the MSM chokes on it because these deaths were THEIR doing. It's a long stretch from peaceful protest to cold blooded murder. That this thug offed himself afterwards makes him even more of a coward. There are good and bad cops and good and bad all other kinds of people. To profile them based on job description or race and religion is absurd.

I won't be off again for a long stretch, Christmas notwithstanding. Our workforce has been hit hard with bad luck and we're pretty much just taking turns with covering each others' asses. Honestly, I don't even care anymore because all I do is work and come home so I might as well be there. In the state of TN (being one of the few that requires licensing for laboratory professionals) we are required to produce proof of 24 hours of CE on our own dime to keep the license. State inspectors come through and audit that so here I was today knocking out about 11 of them. Sure...I've had two years to do it but you all know I'm a procrastinator. Linda Mc and I will probably spend Christmas day doing the other half.

This particular GI bug is an evil one and I feel for anybody who has had the throwing up piece along with the squirts. I feel kind of "dauntsy" as little Sharry says but I'm sure I'll live to be a smartass again.

Merry Christmas week to you and yours and your mama'n'them.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

exit strategy

Man does it feel good to sleep 'til you feel like getting up. I was down for about 12 hours with fitful rest due to the positional shoulder thing but at least I was self treating and not working. I dreamed about snakes last night which my friend Lorna always associates with change. She reminded me today that I'm headed for a beach somewhere and need to plan the next chapter. To make that happen, I need a dependable car and to not have loan sharks on my ass all the time. There comes a point where you know that things don't look good so you act accordingly.

I was out and about hunting and gathering this morning and managed to spend mama's gift cards plus ten of my own to get her some underwear and daddy socks. Before that I picked up the company hams and ran into my friend Linda in the meat department shopping for bacon. Her hub died this year so I imagine she's feeling pretty lonely right about now. She shared that she helped make the deal for us to get a ham and pie and I thanked her for it. Most of what she does is volunteer like my parents did. I wonder if corporate knows how valuable volunteer work is but then I imagine they do. We probably need a volunteer chaplain, if you know what I mean.

I'm making a list of the bullets that are my top 5 areas of focus and it's kind of sad how long it take me to come to this point. Two fingers on my right hand are losing feeling and the bitch is still there accompanied by her evil twin under the armpit area. Biofreeze can only do so much, ya know? I'm constantly stretching and moving to keep the pain from settling in and freezing that shit up.

So I've learned a lot this week about the generosity and issues of others and how that whole thing plays out in day to day life. I've been judged on several different levels and found to be not worthy so it's probably time to move on. In spite of the fact that I've lived in this house on the hill for 27 years and paid a hundred grand for the privilege, unless there are improvements made I can't stay. Rent is very reasonable but utilities have been a thorn in my side for years. There is very little shade here so summers are brutal on a house that sits on a hill. So are winters when the weather moves across the bluffs with ice and wind.

It is what it is and I'm okay with it. Keeping the faith ^j^

Friday, December 19, 2014

nearing the mark

I am four posts away from hitting my stopping point at Poop Happens. I may live long enough to break that record but only because what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Like the flu and drama and whatnot. It seems as if the giant mega pharm companies have miscalculated again on their strain mix and it's on like donkey kong. And how do we know this? Because we test every freakin' body for it! My logic on this is dude..if you see a normal or reduced white count and symptoms of the flu which are pretty easy to spot, what difference does it make that you have an "official" diagnosis. We all survived it before the kits came out because it wasn't such a CYA mentality and more like common sense on the practitioner's part. Trust me...I know these things. The tests add to an already outrageous bill which often goes unpaid in states like TN where the uninsured gather and raid ERs for free care. I've been told that the two big corporations based here have leaned on Haslam to consider Medicaid expansion. Ya' think? Money talks.

BG is in the death throes of it but went to work anyway because um, you know. It's what you do when you need money. Her minimum wage gig doesn't include sick days or other such benefits so there you go to work sick as a dog. If nothing else, this job has taught her that you never quit just because it's hard and that's a very good lesson. In spite of some tense moments during the past couple of days I've been blessed with gifts of ham and Applebee's with a pecan pie on the side so I won't complain. Besides, what good does it do?

Mama and I just had a very confusing chat about Carol Burnett collections and she asked me to look it up on the computer so I went to Amazon and gave her a quote on a 7 disc set. She then proceeded to tell me about the TV only offer for 5 payments of 20 bucks and was there number on Amazon? *facepalm* They wrote the number down wrong and got some medical supply place instead. Can you imagine them answering a call from my Mama with Carol on the brain? It makes me smile to think about the whole scenario. I told her I'd do more research and let her know tomorrow when I visit. I've been way too busy to even get her underwear with the JCP gift cards and that just MIGHT have to wait until after the big day when everything is reduced and the traffic is a bit more manageable. To quote the guy on Hill Street Blues "Be careful out there."

I got a new calendar when I went to the electric company to pay my past due bill so it's hanging in the kitchen which is not very dirty thanks to my clean daughter. What she lacks in rent money she pays back in labor. As I was leaving I ran into Mama Lena and John and she shared that she had finally sold her house. After her husband died, she moved on to the next life which is in Memphis mostly. I noticed a returned mail fee posted to my online bank statement and had been waiting for the new card to come so I figured something went wrong. My bank peeps said it was listed as "undeliverable". The cute mailman who feeds the dogs must have had the day off because he would have known the damn address is right. Who changes the name of a road? Sheesh. If I had my name it would be Pecan Lane.

Happy weekend before Christmas kids. Don't forget you know who is watching ^j^

Thursday, December 18, 2014


There's nothing that does a soul more damage than being outed on multiple issues by someone you thought was a friend. Which only goes to prove that friends come and they go and often they really don't have your best interests at heart. To minimize someone else's pain is about the harshest thing that someone can do even if they're not a friend. To be told that you're having a pity party is even worse. I have to own the fact that I've not always made the wisest decisions with my life but then again who among us will be the one to cast the first stone? Not me buddy. I am not one to pass judgement because it ain't my job. That one belongs to Big E. If I am to believe what I'm told, I do no more than anybody else and have no reason to feel overwhelmed at times. Okay then. Once again, that's between me and my God and my flimsy boundaries.

A patient and I had an off the cuff conversation today about faith and keeping it even when things look dark. We told each other Merry Christmas and both of us knew that it was heartfelt. He warned me that he was a tough case but that faith thing we had going on worked out just fine. I have found that those with the strongest faith are doubters at times and that's what strengthens belief in good things coming out of the darkness. A watchful waiting for something wonderful is what believing in Christ is all about, and at this time of year it's hard to maintain that mindset when it seems to be all about what you're gonna receive. Expect nothing, as my ex used to say.

BG is at the Urgent Care seeking further treatment for what's got her skin all torn up again. A friend took the spare out of the Cadi trunk yesterday and put it on only to find that it, too, is flat. We shall carpool until the debt is whittled and she gets a decent job where caustic chemicals are not a part of the daily workflow. There were more cards in the mail today from friends and family and they are now on the tree along with favorite ornaments. When I came in I noticed Sophie limping so I guess she hurt her leg out playing today. She just crawled off my bed onto the doggie pillow on the floor nearby. All of our furbabies play musical beds especially when things are quiet like now. Quiet is good, if you know what I mean. I can enjoy it a lot more than I did in my younger days.

This too shall pass as Mr Yates and my parents always said ^j^

BG Update: As it turns out, she has Flu A in addition to everything else. Dayum.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014


I'll not bore you with the details but let it be known that today was one of the most painful in my life as I knelt and drew blood from a seemingly endless parade of sick people the cutest two year old you ever saw. Or, sometimes not so sick. The traffic that clogs emergency rooms nationwide is nothing more than a hit and miss sort of "we caught it this time" but...December is a notoriously dangerous time for the blood supply because everybody's so "busy" and whatnot. I was in line at the dolla' store today with this gal who was crazy excited about slipping a roll of Christmas wrap into the car for his presents. Dontcha' just love Santa? By the way, our blood supplier Lifeline Blood Services will be drawing donors in a mobile unit on December 27th at none other than the sawmill. Y'all put it on your calendar, umkay?

So we got a holiday card today from the Deak family which loves dogs as much as we do and they get into sharing their pics. Ho.HO.Ho. I noticed on the way home that the streets are salted in anticipation of freezing rain. Is it spring yet, I mean REALLY? I know...I know. As my mama would say "don't wish your life away!" It's kind of amazing how many people fail to heed that until it's too late. The lady who was mama's roommate at one of the homes passed yesterday and I was sad to hear it even though she seemed pretty miserable most of the time. When it's your time, let it go. That's true faith. BG and I had the talk today about her inheritance if I kick the bucket anytime soon which, as we all know, can happen just like that. I told her to check with HR on that and call Kay. I have to do some advance work on the donation thing but it's something that I feel strongly enough about that I will indeed follow up with my regional medical center in Mempho. Just a ray or two of sunshine peeked out from today's gray clouds but at least it wasn't raining. I see a very early bedtime coming on if you know what I mean. My one snippet of news today consisted of a tip that this will be Letterman's last Christmas show and that made me sad too. He is my original comedy crush along with Steve Martin and Cheech and Chong. Heeeey man! Sammy just took off running so I guess the wolves are at my door again. I'll keep you posted.

PS Dear Republicans in charge of accepting Medicaid expansion: Do it and help people not industry.

Feliz Navidad~

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

the good old days

There was a time not too long ago when the sawmill was a happy place, perhaps led a bit toward the productivity side but there were parties and lunches with the CEO and whatnot. An investment in the community if you will. That is what was promised when the huge Methodist Healthcare System sold our West Tennessee seven in 2003. We are among the top three largest and it would have been "no sale" without our local facility in the deal. We were actually making money whereas several of the smaller ones were glorified emergency rooms. They owned the one in Fulton before us, and announced that it will close in early '15. As a (non)investor, I get emails about divesting this or that property and all of its' employees. The one in Newport AR was a recent subject. I don't know about y'all but I take divest to mean "we're done with you people." The land grab that has been healthcare growth over the past 20 years has been based more on diagnosis than healing and has caused many a local place to shut down. They have put a lot of money into the facility and have a brand spanking new MRI scanner and invasive cardiac cath lab for which two administrators fought. We are nothing more than a ham and pie to corporate. I'm not saying this in a mean way really...just stating the obvious that those who want to heal and make sick people better will allow room for dignity amongs't the current business climate. I can personally name a hundred of them.

I am a multitasker by nature, due to an extremely high level of co-dependence with that job. I was raised to believe that when you do a job well and the cream will rise to the top. That's where the "when bad things happen to tired people" comes in. I look around me every day and see people who have been there as long as I have and in some cases longer and we all have the same look. Burnout is common in hospitals and other emergency type work situations. First responders are particularly prone to PTSD. I saw that experience through my daughter's eyes as she told me about finding the wreck lady all laying on the highway not moving. Anything traumatic..any sort of loss of innocence can set one up for a rapid spiral into hell as it is grieved and let go.

The first promise that was broken happened to be the chaplain one and he was outta' there in no time replaced by local community volunteers. A core group of us had been schooled on IT conversion from one system to another over a four month period. I was told later that normally the IT company did installs but since it was such a huge deal they used employees and yes I was one of them. My friend was our only internet person so there we went to Jackson and wrote code and attached numbers along with reps from all the other newly acquired facilities. The company came in and tried to reign in the chaos from "superusers" and very confused employees. As with all things healthcare the transition had to be validated to meet standards. Honest to god, I had to get legal involved in order to get our population's blood type history from MHC. You know, HIPPA and all that. Yeah, we know what a miracle you are.

This is cathartic for me in that I've been there done it all with healthcare ownership and policy. What started for me as a job close to home has turned into a building full of stress and overwork at the age of 59 with a bad shoulder and touch and go parents, close to home BTW. I don't ask for any kind of recognition for what I've done because that's not what life is about. Anonymity is what's up when doing the next right thing. Just ask anybody in line at McDonald's or Chick Fil'A. If strangers can buy each other breakfast, and feel good I'm down with it. Maybe someday the owners will pay their employees a living wage.

As you all know some anonymous angel of a blog fairy took me to raise a couple of years ago. There have been times when I've felt sure I know his or her identity but it's been hard because the postmarks are from every freakin' where. While I was being surprised with gifts and things that I really needed somebody got the joy of watching the story unfold and didn't take credit for it. I imagine it's a big warm fuzzy feeling like a Hallmark movie or something. I'm damned sure that bitch who clicked her boots at me yesterday wasn't the one.

I remembered my passion for hospice today when I ran into a friend whose father is on the roller coaster like mama was. Once an elderly patient enters the healthcare system there is a huge network of Medicare days vs. non-Medicaid expansion ( yes that means you Haslam) and you have facilities that rehab them for a few weeks and toss them back into the home to ER cycle. That's where the $$ is, especially if you have a supplement. My parents have both and mom has used up her "days" for a bit until she has respite time. Alrighty then. I can certainly tell I won't have a place to go. That's why I plan to live in a commune in Virginia like EK Ross.


Monday, December 15, 2014

nothing is easy

Oh was Monday with a capital M. Fortunately I am wired to multitask even though my pace ain't what it used to be. Otherwise, I'd be ass deep in alligators most days. I visited my brother at the fuel center as I picked my way through after work errands. He showed me a plank that was pulled from the original wall in the bathroom at the former residence of the "special" people. That house was built the same time as mine in 1918ish and the board had labels written in calligraphy with four names, presumably for the clothes or towels of the people who lived there. More research to do in all my spare time!

I saw a brief patch of blue sky today but otherwise it's been cloudy and gray for days. Unaware that rain was on the way I left the window down on my car so umm..yep. The wolves are at my door again and not giving me much breathing room so I'm trying to take that one day at a time. BG dropped my debit card in the parking lot of the dolla' store and by the time she retraced her steps it was gone, most probably picked up by the shady bitch standing nearby smoking. She called me and I immediately reported it lost to cover my next paycheck because people can do all kinds of creative things with a number. Later, the store manager called to report that the card was found in a buggy, which she did not use so old girl must have tried to shop a bit on my dime and got declined. I know you don't care honey, but you have NO idea how hard I'm trying to keep this boat floating. While at the grocery/gas store I noticed all kinds of ladies dressed up for their Krogering experience hauling out hundreds of dollars worth of food and poinsettias and whatnot. Most of them drive huge SUVs and I had to wonder at how the "other half" lives. Being the childish one that I am, I actually made a face at the backside of some diva stuffed into jeggins and sporting an attitude as her boots clicked in front of me. Even though her looks were striking, I'd be willing to be her husband ain't happy. Just saying.

My tree has lights but is still crooked and no ornaments. The old me would have insisted on doing it all at once. The new me says "whenever." It's a hard candy Christmas around here but I know Santa is watching me and making his list. the one gift that I have purchased is for my daughter and partner in crime. I just hope she doesn't get the mail and find it first.

BGs peanut butter balls were a hit with Daddy so she's the official maker of them from now on. I forgot and delivered all of them along with the chex mix so I didn't get get a taste. The highlight of my day was a shared video from a friend of her mother getting trapped in a ball pit at a grandchild's birthday party and not able to get back out. Heeelarious!

I'd have more to say but honestly? I'm wordless. Keep the faith ^j^

Sunday, December 14, 2014

up on the front porch!

Yesterday was a long one because of the non-stop pain in my shoulder and upper arm. When I was visiting Mom she told me that "they" say it's a new ailment that is caused by looking down at a smart phone. Hmm..never thought about that! The pain is centered in the back but has moved thanks to another MFR treatment. I figure after a couple more the bitch will be pushed out of my fascia and laying dead on the floor with retro music playing softly. I can't find a comfy way to sleep so it was a fitful 12 hours up in my bed full of dogs. Plus Boogs was here and screamed a bunch. Terrible twos and all that. BG said he even woke up several times during the night which he never does out here. I was smooth asleep when all four dogs started raising hell and I popped out of bed to see what was the matter. Peeping out the window I saw two figures unloading a Christmas tree from the top of a Jeep. These two turned out to be none other than the MFR therapist Gay and my cousin Sandy! They even brought a stand and some personal ornaments, one for each of them. Wanna' know the real karma in all this? We gave away our fake one so Booger's family could have two!! That one was a gift from an antique/junk shop dealer with whom I did business last year. I see a circle going on there, don't y'all?

I always have church duty with Daddy but today was a late service and they gave me the first Sunday morning off I've had in forever. He and Tony will hold down the fort and go to Daylight afterwards, I feel sure. There he will have the "skinny".. wheat toast, scrambled eggs and bacon which he eats one thing at a time and then moves on to the next. My new favorite is cheesy hashbrowns made by Jennie. I have spent many a Sunday morning in that place joined by farmers, the entire Sellers SS class and random kids with wide eyes at the pastry counter. It is where the paper gets read and sports gets discussed and people know you and your order by name. They ask about Mom every time we go.

Speaking of Mom, we perused the cookbook yesterday for party mix and coconut balls and ended up making peanut butter ones. Mama used to host this Christmas extravaganza for their friends every year and cooked for weeks prior to, putting each candy in little tins for the big night. She even gave everybody an ornament! I remember one year it had to be canceled because her potassium dropped out and she was having muscle contractions. Just thinking about all that hard work makes my muscles contract! Her home has always been seasonal and beautiful. There was usually a live tree and it often got planted in the yard which is why there's a ginormous pine grove where the garden used to be.

I'm done with bitching about the politicians because nobody listens anyway and the ones who do are the very same ones who want to argue on a party line. I am a liberal however, that does not mean I'm a Dem. I prefer the term progressive, if you will. I could probably get into a little GOP stuff if they didn't all walk around like they're mad at the little people and want them to stay in their place. And as for you 50 something Dems who were involved in that spending bill deal? Thanks for trying. The rest of you can go to CitiGroup hell in a handbasket.

Gotta' wait for help to get the tree up...and some lights. Love ya'...mean it ^j^

Saturday, December 13, 2014

and so it goes

Well kids, here we are two weeks before Christmas and I still have no tree much less presents to put under it but that's okay because it's not about all that. Considering what Congress did with the spending bill I'd say we have much bigger fish to fry than Dirty Santa and ugly sweaters. I would love to say "this too shall pass" but I don't think it will plus it's gonna' get a whole lot worse unless the GOP implodes. Here's the thing I don't understand about all that....we are already trillions in the hole so what difference does a bit more make when there are people starving because their benefits have been cut. I talked with a friend the other day who is on disability because she is a brittle diabetic to the point that she had to have a kidney transplant. She receives disability which is rightfully hers and her food stamps were cut by our fat cats in Congress hidden up in the farm bill that graced Monsantao Merry effin' Christmas all y'all scrooges.

Now before you start howling about "entitlements" and "people should work" let me point out that my daughter worked the graveyard shift to put herself through college with an hour commute each way and gas at 4 bucks a gallon. You can be sure that a large piece of that 25K in debt went to just getting to class while the Arabs were yanking oil prices around. Following graduation in 2010, she worked in her chosen field for about a year and has worked minimum wage jobs ever since. Currently she works in the kitchen of a local restaurant for 7.25 doing what the cleaning ladies at the sawmill call "man's work." At one point she had food stamp assistance (when unemployed) but now that she's making a non-living wage, that is gone. What is the incentive to work when assistance is tied to not working your ass off for an amount that you cannot survive on? Unfortunately, she's not the only one. The entire group, including those who have entered the job market since she did, is saddled with enormous debt and a lackluster job market. My raise this year at a job with a 37 year tenure was 10 cents. Other licensed healthcare professionals got even less. Remember that when you bitch about how long it takes to get through the ER or doctor's office. We have created a monster and it is healthcare, or the lack thereof. Thanks Lamar and Bob! We didn't need that federal money anyway because party lines are what's up, right?

Our governor, on the other hand, has seen to it that every high school graduate will be guaranteed at least two years at a community college which is a much wiser use of lottery $$ than what's been happening. He was also the creator of the Co.Starters program which was a real treat for me and a few other local small business wannabes. I may never make it to the roll out stage but I've loved every minute of the learning experience. If more people would produce and buy locally, our country wouldn't be in the economic shape it is now. Let's all learn Chinese because we're going to need it.

My goal for today is to make some party mix at my mother's request. We had a three way conversation the other day with her calling out ingredients to Ms Faye for her to write down. I think there are coconut balls in the future as well. Those are Daddy's favorites, you know. All of these recipes and more will be in "the book" which is slowly forming in my mind and on paper. Yesterday my ethereal friend and classmate Lorna (or Lorena as spellcheck does it) gifted me with some arnica products and even rubbed that bitch shoulder down with the oil. She also brought a vintage iron skillet from her collection which puts my count at 2. Little things make me happy! In return I gave her my daddy's ag books from UTMartin where he was a member of the first graduating class of agricultural science majors at that campus. My baby self lived there while he was finishing up after Air Force duty.

I'm just grateful not to be at a crowded mall full of screaming kids scared of Santa. How about you?

Thursday, December 11, 2014


Since I'm not a follower type of gal, I don't get the way so many folks listen to talking heads. The news that we have access to is tightly controlled by corporate entities that serve up entertainment funded by advertisers with big bucks. You want a Christmas movie? Gotta' have Hallmark. MSM doesn't dare go there because too many sheeple are busy recording criminals minds and survivor type shows for their viewing pleasure when not "busy." They also check the obits online and shop at Amazon rather than buying something unique and handmade. I'm not being judgmental, just realistic. It is what it is and will be what comes.

I just spent 30 minutes on the phone with ATT representatives in Atlanta who kept me from losing my internet service tomorrow plus gave me a discount for the next year. The realist in me knows they just want to sell me a new phone and UVerse but I straight up told her I was in a contract with you know who, and it ain't the devil but starts with the same first letter. Both of 'em, by golly. One of these days I'll get out from under that and spring for Netflix. However, that would require something more than the 10 year old Dell desktop that is pieced together in front of me.

My shoulder is aching and has been for several days now. I had a treatment this afternoon and continue to stretch because my lord, I thought I was all healed up from invasive surgery four months ago. I had my spinach cooked and everything but after some money laundering business and the treatment I just had to pass on the sawmill Christmas party. Nobody wants to watch an old gal do yoga while eating and visiting.

My doctor friend passed on over to heaven like we all knew he would but he sure as heck wasn't alone because there was a boatload of people praying for he and his family. BG worked with him too when she was a unit clerk and had the same kinda' sorta' admiration that I did for who he was. He had a terrific loyalty to one particular pathology group where his friend was an owner and that caused all kinds of drama back in the day. As fate would have it, that group is back in the fold because the younger members of the old timers pulled out. Seems they want the elders to retire and let them have their share. Work guy got shafted on that one, BTW.

So I'm missing chicken and dressing and baked pineapple and all things lab and dinner. I'm okay with that because I know there will be leftovers.

Love ya...mean it ^j^

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

OMG and keep the faith

Okay, I'm seriously worried about the world in which we live because everybody's just so damn touchy about every little thing and being politically correct and not "offending" anybody. Especially when there's $$ involved, ya' know? The leader of one of the most exclusive women's colleges in this country was chastised for allegedly changing the unofficially branded slogan of a certain group of protesters. What difference does it make in the whole scenario of racial equality and police militarization? Not one damn bit.

The DISH guy came by for an early morning change out of hardware because since I'm paying for it I should at least be able to watch Colbert, Stewart and SouthPark. BG got called into work after that so I'm jamming and sorting and decorating for Christmas. One of the most disturbing things that I noticed on the innerwebs today is that Hallmark pulled some Hannukah giftwrap because there were supposedly swastikas up in there. It reminded me of the 80's Care Bears scare about the devil being in their bellies. I found the ornaments (finally) in the attic and managed to not break my neck on the way down the steps. Let's just say if a tree appears, I'm ready. All my furbabies are taking a nap in and around my bed. When I had surgery we took the top layer off so I wouldn't fall and tear that surgical site. It now sits burned out in the front yard waiting for a spring crop of something edible. I'm composting the leaves into it and might just haul some horse poop if my shoulder holds up.

So anyway here's my take on current affairs. Conservatives everywhere are scared as shit because they're losing the voters everywhere due to Congressional stupidity that gets entirely too much MSM coverage because their women are "hot." There is hope though as I see Michelle B is retiring from politics which probably means some equally conservative bitch in a tight dress will take her seat. In a mood? Nah. I did however just get a call from our local EMS provider telling me that Medicare paid for one trip during mom's four month tour of rehabs so they have money coming back from a cash pay. Gotta' love that kind of TLC for the patient. This will go directly to the last care facility. I haven't seen the perm yet but I know she's ready for the holidays. And really? Tis' the season!

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

one day vacay

I'll be the first to admit that I've been spoiled to not working over 40 hours a week in many years and could afford it until the post-2008 economic shitstorm. At that point it was discovered that our reduced work hours were in fact not enough to qualify several of us for company subsidized bennies so all us old folks went to full time and more. Plus people die and have surgery and whatnot and I got covered after mine so there you go. My failure to work at PT is now a big fat honking pain in my right shoulder all the way down my arm and up the neck AKA "the bitch." She rested while I was off and not multitasking but has come back to haunt me. I'm counting on Gay and Victor to help a girl out. He can actually pop backs by picking you up and shaking if you're not too tense.

One of my favorite doctor type co-workers is in his final days after fighting cancer for many years longer than anybody expected. He is younger than me and was always one of everybody's favs in spite of some temper tantrums but then...all doctors do that. Especially surgeons! He asked me to come to work for him back in my POL days and I was tempted but the whole lab in a doctor's office thing went out of style because of limits on self referral. I worked for one crazy bastard who actually thought he could MAKE money from running a full service ER out of and old school practitioner's office. His waiting room was always packed and his wife asked me to help out with the "lab piece." Ethereal friend had already given up on it because Jesus, it was a mess. Dude ended up offing himself but not until after landing a personal plane on the highway in Paris TN. You can't make this shit up.

The grands are in a holding pattern which is good and she's even getting a perm today, her first in 5 months or so. He will be out for lunch tomorrow which is prime time for a Memaw visit. They're having their own little Christmas there with the fallen angel tree and occasional chimes from the carol clock. We're all laying low and enjoying not being in some hospital for a change. Take it as it comes, y'all. You never know when all hell's gonna' break loose.

Still no tree...nor have I made a trip upstairs to find the best ornaments. I've got the angel that Little Sharry gave me years ago down here at the nativity scene and that's about it other than bits and pieces in boxes. The Scarlett in me just thinks it will wait 'til tomorrow.

Keep the faith ^j^

Monday, December 8, 2014

on the first day of christmas

Still no tree up here but we've got a plan at least. Instead of shelling out three hours worth of minimum wage pay for something that got grown and shipped or made from cheap silk we're choosing a pine branch somewhat bigger than Charlie Brown's, but not much. So many people look at the tree trimming and decorating as something to "get done" when in years past nobody even thought about a tree until a day or two before and went dashing through the snow in search of the perfect cedar. Of course that was wayyyyy after baby jeebus was born and the wise men showed up two years later while following that star. I had a friend in Dallas whose online name was Follow That Star and we did a lot of good things back in the day when blogging was something everybody didn't do. Last I heard he moved to Colorado. Dennis, if I'm not mistaken. He had put in a lot of years, as he put it, walking around with a clipboard looking busy in the aerodynamic industry.

I'm anxiously awaiting a day off which should come on Wednesday unless somebody dies and then I guess I'll get overtime, or somebody will. I'm at least 11 years from retirement so I might as well start saving. I read a piece yesterday suggesting that the market will probably crash again because it usually does a free fall every 5-7 years so I think I'll just keep my cash in a jar and bury it. I called today to make an appointment for a pap smear and got none other than my dear friend Donna to book me in for a 2015 appointment. I sure hope the ASCUS doesn't decide to go nuts between now and then. Meanwhile my shoulder is hurting like the bitch that she is. Things are quiet at Casa Grands so I dare not disturb the peace controlled chaos that is them together alone. I figure somebody will call when they need an ambulance. The HH nurse said Mom is doing good so those weeks at the home helped. Never underestimate the power of restorative care.

It's warm...fifties which is just right for me. I breathe better, feel better and just overall perform better when it's cooler. I do so hate to break a sweat and when I do? Let it be easy to cool off. Time for chair yoga, y'all. Call your mother, unless she calls you the devil then let her call you.


Saturday, December 6, 2014

jingle bells

As my dear departed friend Mr. George would say "oh boy." On the golf course with a tough shot or in a jam at work, I can just see him saying that from the short time that I knew him. He died too young after retirement with his bride and those were some dark times. He is smiling in heaven even as his babygirl lays her mother in law to rest. Meanwhile me and his bride still meet at the sawmill and get the job done. Lab professionals are a dying breed due to increasingly automated equipment and big fish eating little fish where it's mostly automated yet still precise because a tech reviews the results. I remember the first time I saw that at Methodist North and wondered what was up with all that. We were still doing everything manually. They put us on Sunquest and the server crashed when all seven facilities went online. Back to paper. Like Dr. P always said: "Monkeys can do it." He is the one who introduced me to Sonia who followed Elaine and Dr. Price and a kazillion others who peered through microscopes for years looking at disease for the cellular level.

Stella found mama's long sleeve shirts all tucked into her suitcase that she personally delivered to the lab when I was off. Jo told me about it and I called to report that the "missing clothes" had been found! And then it rained and I didn't deliver last night. I called her right before bedtime and she was pretty much straight up NOT happy with me so it was a short conversation with a madass old man in the background. Seems as if I'm the devil now. Alrighty then! See, I get mellower after work and more able to have an actual conversation and that evidently freaks them out. My employer doesn't pay me to take care of aging parents because they don't live with me. I guess I could live with them? Umm. Nah.

Anyway, back to the suitcase. It was in my car along with the barnwood frame that Scotty made for me which I am getting estimates on since I have some wood left. After last night's drama I figured I'd just discreetly drop it off on the porch pre-dawn on the way to work. Only it looked like rain so I didn't. Daddy called to tell me he'd pick 'em up on the gator and I said I would just drop it off. He called back and asked me to come see their little tree that has a 60 year old porcelain angel on top...well, kinda. We looked at each other, not knowing what to say because our lives are what they are and we're all in this together. I told them about my strange experience with an escapee this morning but I think Daddy was asleep.

It rained a lot and it's cold so there's some happy duck hunters somewhere. Nobody much hunts around here because it's private and kept that way on purpose. Sometimes the balance of nature takes care of itself. The sloughs from the Forked Deer are to die for fishing spots in the spring and fall. I remember walking the trail with my brother one time trying to find the place where a body was buried..or so I thought. Shortly after that lots of people with dirt moving equipment fixed the levees and it was turned into a wildlife sanctuary a GMO farming operation. The landscape is absolutely gorgeous and perfect for a vineyard and organic farming. Lots of bluffs and whatnot if you know what I mean. The big headwater that blew out the levee between farm proper and city land was the one where I rode in a crackhead's truck to "safety." Goodbye neighbors! You're already in the book.

My friend Kathy sent me a Christmas card from south FL and it's sitting on my stupid little ancient Dell tower with a candle for emphasis. Nobody much takes the time to do that anymore and that's why the USPS is going's the ECard. Zuck you and keep the faith ^j^

Friday, December 5, 2014

monsoon friday

I'm glad I didn't have a wedding or anything important planned for today because the heavens opened up about noon and I was soaked by the time I got home. I went by Money Mike's new location where his wife and sister? maybe? work. He still has no beer license and I've lost my ID so I had to go all the way to the Forrest St intersection where I was greeted by yet another cute gal with attitude and poor Sam who isn't very handy behind the counter. The new store is HUGE but the beer coolers will take up a lot of room. There's a whole case of incense and groovy pipes and of course hats and belts. And lottery....woohoo! Your E-cigarette needs can be found there as well. It used to be called The Pantry back in the day when I lived up the street.

When Mama went into the last care facility we applied (again) for Medicaid and had to come up with her life insurance policy. Now according to Daddy it's in the safe in the living room only the combination got removed during some fit of paranoia and we couldn't get in. Fast forward to today when mom is resting at home and the combination gets faxed and daddy is elated because he just knows there's 20K in there. Oh.My.Lord. I doubt there's anything other than some faded papers and a memory or two. I talked with a lifelong friend today about HIS father who is currently chilling at the place where Mom spent a couple of months. He got "one of those" calls last night with the nurse telling him that Joe was packed up and ready to go on his walker. Home. He told TLee he didn't need the clothes he brought for him because he would die there. How sad is that?

I found out today that a co-worker is leaving us and that makes me very sad. She's one of the toughest and brightest I've ever known in our field and I will miss her smart ass. She joins several others who are leaving our lives and it really points out to me how work peeps are family, a part of our personal fabric if you will. We spend just as much time with them as with blood kin and all the familial emotions are in play. At one point in my life I wanted to be "in charge" of something. At this point, I'm looking for a sugardaddy to get me out and on the road to neverland.

There have been times when I've doubted myself at work and learned from that experience. There have been other times when petty drama and paranoia have made my life hell on wheels. Mostly I've just tried to do the next right thing which means treating patients as family. Fortunately I've watched that kindness be repaid a hundred times over with my own care and that of my family. Imagine if you will, trying to figure out who your customer is when they are dropped off in your patient access area by ambulance, often in a life threatening situation. This is what the staff in the ERs across our country are faced with and a whole lot of the tragedy is caused by stupidity. Nobody in healthcare understands that life is short and then you die. It's all about the money.

I've been with many as they died over the years, some family and others friends of friends. Some of them were total strangers but they were in my charge and I always called on Big Ernie to make it a swift and peaceful passage for them because that's what I would want. I'll never forget the day Miss Ann passed over and I was piled up in the dark with her daughter and grandgirl listening to her last breaths. The doctor on call came in to pronounce her and said (i kid you not) "Well, we all knew this was gonna' happen, didn't we?" Holy moly. I don't claim to be perfect by any means. I've made a lot of mistakes in life and have paid dearly for them. In my book there was only one perfect one and that's who I try to emulate. With faith ^j^

Thursday, December 4, 2014


The calm down the road lasted right at 24 hours until Mama realized she had lost all her clothes over the course of four months in hospital and rehab land. As I was heading out from the sawmill she called all frantic about not having any underwear so I did a U-turn on the west side and dropped by the dolla' gentral for a pack of panties and another bra. True to form, she told me on delivery to ask Daddy for the $ back which I didn't do because I wanted to get home. Mario was there teaching her how to get in and out of bed. Since there were no long sleeve shirts and only ten boxes of sweaters I took some of mine down there to hang up for pajama tops or whatever. That's when the shit hit the fan because Daddy was watching the news and I interrupted his routine. It was a given that in order for her to "come home" we would be allowed to come and go as needed and she had some meds delivered and whatnot so I was there to give her one when she went all co-dependent while he told me to go to hell 20 times at the top of his lungs. It didn't do her mind any good for us to be fighting so I took my leave and drove home at 60 mph honking the horn like a mofo. And then I took a Benadryl and rested with the puppies.

Still not even a Charlie Brown tree here but several strands of multicolored mini-lights hanging to and fro because it's festive. There's even one draped over the nativity scene. I'm alone for the evening as BG is busy working in the kitchen at a local restaurant and it's "the holidays" dontcha' know. Everybody and their brother books an office Christmas dinner this time of year. Ours will be at bossfriend's house next week and everybody brings a dish and whatever kids are around. Daddy and I talked after the big blowup like nothing ever happened and he's pretty good about that...brushing it off and getting back to normal. His temper is explosive but doesn't last long if you leave him be.

It's now my day off for which I had grand plans to hit the road but decided my mental health requires a myofascial release treatment and some downtime. The roller coaster ride of emotions involved in this whole thing that is my life currently is something I'm having to really work at disconnecting from. This old gal is drawing lines in the sand every which'a way she turns and that's a good thing, as Martha would say. Boundaries are made to be tested and stretched but enough is enough. It's Poopie time.


Monday, December 1, 2014

all i want for christmas is you

It is done and Memaw is snug in her recliner down the road probably listening to holiday tunes if she has her way. I met with the care plan team today and they pulled it together right quick like so I had time to eat a sandwich during my lunch break. I got a teary call last night when she realized that she's a "drug addict" and it took all the cajones I had not to LOL. Serious stuff for a good Southern lady, dontcha' know. I remember once when my youngest brother and I got into a convo with her about ganja and you would have thought we were running away to join the circus or something otherwise shocking. One of their big disappointments in me was my rage against the Vietnam war. God bless 'murka and all that.

It's cold again but we're saving on electricity by not running the air in December. Win, win as long as there are oil heaters. My financial reckoning is coming along as I reach out to those I owe and honor the contracts that I have made. That list now also includes my therapist and the florist PLUS propane guy. They won't sue me but it's a matter of honor and we all know that's what I try to be about. Well, that and being a slouch. I can't tell you the last time I wore makeup, much less jewelry. When you get this worn down, it just doesn't matter if you look cute. I'm happily listening to Christmas music myself and basking in the idea of a totally non-commercial Advent season. Jesus would like do that, I think.

I've been in love so many times it ain't even funny and even married one that didn't work out after the child raising was done. He was a hard working man and excellent father and still stands tall in her eyes and mine. Six years sober is something to be proud of. I talked to one ethereal friend at length yesterday about mamas and daughters and letting go and have an appointment with yet another for a sorely needed shoulder treatment. And then there's a Jackson run on Thursday and back to the sawmill for five more. At least I don't have to work 12 hours.

Most of the other guys I've loved have been the ones I've met at work. I won't begin to name names here but they ranged in (my age) from 26 to 59. One of the middle and more spiritual ones made a point of telling me that if you become a part of someone's life in a way that family is involved it's forever. Otherwise? Not so much. There was this one guy who drove miles to see me and we spent time doing what we loved out in the country yet he's got a wife and claims to be a "sex addict." Give me a break dude. The one I feel sorriest for is Farmer Guy because he just smooth didn't ask for any of it and I went apeshit crazy over him. He did well not to report me as a stalker....just saying. In a way, he was work related too because that's how I met his family. Probably my strangest crush was the first one who was gay and I didn't have a clue. That was waaaayyy back in the day when he was busy messing with my friend Mickey's mind. I was maybe 25ish? Oh lord, ya'll. Don't tell Mama all this until she gets her nerve pills.

BG has been on a grocery run and it's cold up in here so there you go. No matter where? There you are~ME