Thursday, March 31, 2016

let there be light

It's a balmy spring morning with thunderstorms percolating around Casa Poops.  Hopefully light guy will come and bring some much needed illumination to my piles.  I'm not sure how that will work in the office and dining room because there are no wall switches.  We shall see, I suppose.  The sun peeked out when I was coming home from the 'gentral for my daily outing.  And I forgot laundry detergent, by the way.  Hey...have Dawn, will wash.  I got four flash flood warnings on the phone during the night and I'm mighty glad I didn't have to drive through water this morning.  It's the little things.  The wind blew over my industrial garbage can out on the road so I'll have to find some man to help me lift it before they show up tomorrow.

The sale is set for the first weekend in May.  It's been five months since it was vacated by mom following a six week period alone there preparing to let go.  I remember the day we took her to assisted living and cousin Mo was there to save the day while Bubba and I sobbed.  Literally, there has been a lot of water under the bridge since then.  Like the grief experts say "It's a process."  I don't really see a destination in the journey, just daily memories and happy stuff mostly.  Each day brings another opportunity to learn something new about myself and I intend to keep growing as long as I can.  Gotta' figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up.

I self medicated with Clindamycin so the tooth isn't hurting right now but it will be back I'm sure so I need to find a dentist.  Always one to do regular visits, I haven't been in four years since I got a bridge because.....$$.  Even with insurance, it's untouchable many times.  I have 40 dollar co-pays  for each doctor visit which is not bad, but not something you just do on a whim.  It's pap smear time so that's on the books along with a mammo.  I am at high risk for cervical cancer so that must be watched at least yearly.  There was a time when I was up in that office every three months which was NOT fun.  One LEAP and many paps later, it finally turned normal.

The asparagus is beginning to peek back out after getting mauled by the mower.  At least the weeds are gone!  I'm enjoying the quiet of this day without the whine of centrifuges and dropping of pneumatic tubes. The only sound is of keyboard tapping and wind blowing outside open windows.  Oh, and birds.  This place, as much as I've bitched and moaned about the house and its' condition, is my sanity.  You could not buy a better view than the one I have except maybe over behind the dairy barn.  That's the proposed resting spot for the red log cabin.  Again, we shall see.

Serenity ~

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

bricked redux

I thought corporate would be standing me up again on the counseling fo' free but I finally talked to Jennay today and gave her a recap of my last year and all the dead people.  She was sorry for my losses and asked about a million questions about my feelings and if I want to harm myself.  I said hanging in and no.  She referred me to a program called GriefShare at the nearby Baptist church.  Even gave me the phone # and dates!  

I'm off tomorrow which is, as Old Hoss would say, "a good thing."  Tension is high and I'm tired PLUS there's severe weather moving in.  Wasps are circling the house and door and window guy will finally give us some overhead lighting tomorrow because he needs an inside job.  He always leaves by 3 to get his girl from school.  Painter guy came and picked up the plastic over the weekend and the garbage is manageable.  Lily is sitting on the table next to me purring like all that because she can.  

No suicide bombings that I've noted since the Easter fiasco so that's good.  Trump seems to be going up in flames which is providence with a capital P if you know what I mean.  Bernie and Hillary are playing nice and Cruz is still damaged.  Other than that, I got nothing for your US of A.  My friend Lorna turned me on to Jill Stein last year and I totally get where she's coming from and wish she had more funding.  Maybe she'll pair up with #bernie and let EW take control of Congress.  

I have no answers today.  Only hope and faith ~

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

stranger than fiction

Bubba receives all of the grands' forwarded mail at his house and divides it up into bills, which are his, and healthcare and personal which he brings to me.  The other day he dropped off a card from none other than Lois Griffin of the great states of California and Tennessee.  Her husband John and my Daddy went to basic AF training together in California as young men and since he and Lois were already married and Mom was in Dyersburg he spent leave weekends on their couch.  I remember them as a constant during the lives of my parents, always visiting once a year and sending Christmas cards from wherever they were living at the time.

Here's the strange part:  In her note, Ms Griffin told  Billy and family how sorry she was to hear about Janice's death and shared with him that John had died at the end of January and a celebration of his life is planned for April in Forked Deer.  I think there's maybe a school or something.  We're talking TINY y'all.  When she wrote this note on 2/7 she had no idea that Daddy had died first way back in August.  Her beloved John died 7 days after Mom in CA.  I was flat on a mission to get in touch and catch her up on the Stafford family.

I "googled" her and immediately found his obituary but still had no way to reach her.  Forked Deer?  Hmmm...that's close to Gates and propane guy.  So I called him ( not begging for credit this time )  and he gave me the brother and son's numbers.  I got VM with brother but when I called son's house guess who answered!  There she sat 20 miles down the road chatting like a magpie about our lives.  Following her husband's death she came here to stay with her son at the family home with plans to sell the CA place and end up here.  We learned a lot about each other in that hour long conversation and shared lots of parental memories.  It was comforting in a way that I can't describe.

So, from what I read today on the innerwebs, corporations are on the way out as a business model, or at least them employing the entire workforce.  More and more folks are becoming consultants of some sort and contracting with companies who recognize their skill and knowledge.  The days of a ginormous Wall Street deal on trade are over, even if it may take awhile.  Just check out your local big box store or Dolla' gentral and their empty parking lots.  That's one of the things that I've noticed at the sawmill, by the way. Consumers are using their dollars much more wisely and comparing brands for purchases and services.   The failure to expand Medicaid in the redneck southern states has impacted care on many levels, mostly with the elderly and chronically ill.  My parents were fortunate enough to have full ride Medicare and insurance because of Daddy's federal employment.  Those days are gone, as well.

On a happier note, the beach is a few weeks closer but I may miss out on meeting a FB friend from MO who picks up tires out of muddy water for fun.  We shall see if the stars align for that to happen.  It's a sad day when the top story is some Egyptian pissed at his wife carrying a gun onto a plane.  I figure Trump is behind it.

Forward ~

Monday, March 28, 2016

workin' the steps

Anonymous groups do it faithfully.  If something has that much of a hold on you, whether it's porn or gambling or chemicals, there's not but one way out and that's up the ladder.  The old school way of looking at addiction served decades of people well during a time when mental health consisted of shock therapy and  more drugs.  We became enlightened later on and included addicts other than alcoholics to the fold, well...except for those old timers.  If you ain't a drunk, don't come to my meeting.  One of the hardest addictions I've found to let go of is control which is usually when I end up starting over. Again.

One of my co-workers told me I looked really tired this morning and she's never even noticed that before.  Everybody says that these days and I really am.  The decompression period is over and the grief pretty much comes reasonably so I feel the urgent need to just sleep a lot.  My house is pretty and not as cluttered and halfway clean so there you go.

It's chilly again but that won't last because it's Tennessee where you go from winter to summer in a week.  We were watching my new favorite show called Impractical Jokers yesterday when out of nowhere came a freaking monsoon from the south.  It last about ten minutes and sent baby's breath flying all over the place.  And still...the asparagus is absent, hiding from the mower guy.  Argggggggh!

The sawmill was the usual only not crazy busy during my shift, anyway.  I get calls at all times of the day and night about stuff and have actually been called out on not answering even when there is no compensation for that consult.  I suppose it comes with the hefty price of my hourly wage that I am to live and breathe work.  I am a lower middle class professional healthcare provider looking to retire within the next ten years.  And it doesn't look good.

That being said, Bernie is kicking ass and taking names and is gonna' behead all of ISIS and I can't wait.


Sunday, March 27, 2016


It is real to me now, that my parents are gone.  I avoided their house for many weeks until going down yesterday to check on progress for the sale.  It doesn't look like it's been touched in awhile but that's okay.  While I was sunning on the patio neighbor James Frank walked over for a visit.  He misses them as much as we do for they were in his charge as homeland security.  He noted that it almost looked like Miss Janice sitting out there.  Mom rarely sat outside or did much other than go from house to car and other destinations.  Daddy loved the outdoors but was too busy being on a mission to just SIT and be one with the earth.  I returned this morning to pick flowers for their grave and promptly dumped a vase full of water in the Camry floor.  As I wound my way through the cemetery  I saw many others doing the very same thing.  Easter is what's up when it comes to dead people.

I passed by the UMC flowering cross at the corner of Main and McGaughey and tried to remember Easter of last year and could not.  I'm sure I picked up Daddy at least and maybe Mom.  Depends on if it was raining.  Nothing but a hair appointment would get that woman out in the rain with a walker and umbrella.  She had just started going back to church when she passed out on the walker while going from SS to service and ended up with a broken hip.  Dr. A told me right then to prepare for the end and he was right.  I'm pretty sure Lori was working there then on the weekends because I think we re-potted his petunias a couple of weeks later.  They were a hot mess, if you know what I mean.  I kept one pot alive through the winter but it's dead to the world now.

Mom never had a peaceful day much after Daddy passed.  She woke up crying and went to bed crying and often called for him at the end to help her through the pain.  Her frail little body had shriveled from big girl size down to anorexia of the elderly.  Daddy never gave up on the eating thing as long as he was able.  Looking at the way both of them died with hospice, it couldn't be more different.  Once his meds were in place he never moved.  It was 48 hours between the last time he spoke to us and the 5AM phone call on August 4th.  My youngest brother arrived just in time to see a bit of consciousness.  It was peaceful.  Mom, on the other hand, struggled with the whole letting go thing mightily,,,worrying and fretting over whether or not it would hurt or she'd be alone. It didn't, and she wasn't.  We had managed to trick her into thinking that we were all there when Daddy died.  She never knew the difference.

It's been a long haul, that's for sure.  Beginning with the birth of half breed puppies  ( TEN of 'em ) under the barn, the fabric of our life as a family began to unravel.  Aunt Granny died the first of June, then Noler.  We were at Curry's every week there for awhile.  Three of the old timer docs I worked with passed around that time as well.  I remember thinking that it was all happening too fast and things just needed to be "normal."   I suppose we found the new normal such as it is.  Neither time that I left did I expect it to happen that soon.  You just never know what the Lord has in mind for a body.

Once upon a time I took my pre-teen SS class in a church van to sit amongst the tombstones and talk about how He is not there.  They thought it was pretty cool to not be in church reading from the New Testament in fancy clothes.  I parked near my grandparents graves and we chatted about  what the resurrection means in real life for Christians.  I think a couple of the 20 "got it."  There was not a bunny in sight, by the way.

It's like I'm coming out of a cocoon or something, being born again on the other side of  darkness.  Grief does that to people, you know.  I've been very careful not to do anything major or life changing because you know there's that one year rule.   Of course if Sugardaddy came along, I'd make an exception.

Alleluia ~

Saturday, March 26, 2016

mostly likely to procrastinate

Remember when we had all those things in the yearbook like prettiest and smartest?  Yeah, I was never one of any of those categories.  I was just a lost hippie soul attempting to ride the fence with the joiners.  There were a sorority, fraternity and several clubs that kept the rich and popular busy during annual photo shoots.  Aside from a random shot taken at a pep club thingie, I'm a tiny little face in a sea of future teachers.  I sort of strayed to the dark side there in my early teens but my parents stuck with me and so did all those friends from school.  We may not talk much, but we always have each others' backs.  Always.

Physical activity around here has been sub-zero and it felt good to drag limbs and start a fire.  There's not danger of beans catching this time (shut.up) so I can walk away.  The contractors left a couple of piles and the yard guys worked around them yesterday.  Mayberry and I visited with a cold one while new help proceeded to mow down the asparagus.  Ooops!  I had already picked for the day so there you go.  It will come again!

While I was doing the 2nd of my errands this morning ( following a VERY long 12 hour nap ) Lorna called and said she and Jasper are headed this way from Memphis.  She has her bluff in on him most of the time so he's good to travel with I reckon.  Mammy has taught him all about how bees pollinate and things grow and rivers rise and destroy.  And she is teaching him the true meaning of love through her caring.  Same for Gracie.    Yes, I have deep and abiding respect.

It's a pretty day and I'm outta' here.  Y'all keep the faith ~

Friday, March 25, 2016


Bound for me to be all off work 30 minutes early to have phone therapy and then the counselor had a "counselor emergency" which probably means somebody was losing it or else she was scurrying around for Easter candy.  They offered to re-schedule an hour later and once they understood that I was pretty okay for the moment, we changed the date.'s Friday, thank God. I noticed the black cloth draped around the wooden cross on Main and McGaughey covered in chicken wire for Sunday's flowers.  It's a sight to behold y'all.  Even during the Easters when somebody was sick, I would take Mama by to see it.  She spent one holiday in the ER following a wreck and the preacher dropped by between services to check on the flock "Surprise! he said.  There was one more wreck after that then, boom.  No more driving.  Daddy did it as long as he could until that turned bad too.

His last day behind the wheel was on Thursday which was hair day at Angel's.  It's a short drive through the slow part of town, but there's that pesky by-pass to get there.  Mom got nailed there TWICE and BG once. I was at work and got a call from DBStaff to please see about Daddy because he just had a wreck and drove home.  B was out of town.  So, here I go and I find him BACK up at the intersection about to cross but I got him stopped to ask "Where are you going???"    He looked crazy eyed and said he was going back to get Mama at the beauty shop.  Cops were there and one asked if he was alright, to which I replied "dementia."  He advised that license be removed and so did the doctor who just happened to be with my brother at the time.  Small world.  I then fetched Mama, went back to work and saved some lives. It wasn't until he put others in danger that we dared to tread on the dignity of his manhood like the ability to drive.  He promptly started touring on the gator and did so until a year or so before he died.  Mama was scared to ride much and we always kept an eye out for the old man on the go-cart with the farmer's hat.  He delivered mail, tomatos, and cutout sugar cookies as well as every other little thing from Casa Grands.  It was his escape from the house when the weather was nice.

Things have been pretty financially fluid lately but the crunch is about to come with increased rent for the improvements.  We are still cleaning and pitching and my old ass even drug that heavy garbage can out to the road this morning.  It's time to hit the asparagus bed so we can have a casserole for Easter dinner.

Rejoice ~

Thursday, March 24, 2016

laissez faire

So much for the laid back European lifestyle, huh?  Those cops in Belgium are on triple shifts backtracking on investigations into something they knew was going on and "someone" saw as not much of a threat.  Either that or there's just too much anarchy to handle.  Either way, it doesn't bode well for homeland security.  Kinda' like here in the US.   They are here and they are plotting.  Our attention should be not on building walls that can be jumped or blown up but on teaching people how to live in community during the hard times.

Babysister called yesterday while I was at the sawmill so we caught up after work.  She's had a heckuva' time what with Mr. BS passing and her falling while getting her toes done plus there's all those thank you notes to write.  Annie calls most every day just to say hi in her cheery little voice or share another story about she and BS and Mom and Daddy when they were growing up.  You can't buy that kind of story telling.  One of Mom and Daddy's couple friends stopped by for some business and we talked about how we miss them.  I also saw the very nurse who cared for Mom during her assisted living time.  It's a small world.

Dental work hasn't been in the budget for some years now so it's not a big surprise that I have a toothache that feels like the size of Texas.  My friendly GP called in an antibiotic PLUS a pro just to keep things balanced and whatnot.  Gotta' love the old school practitioners who cover all their bases.  I'm smooth out of anything for pain except ibuprofen so there you go.

And tomorrow is Good Friday ^j^

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

get over it

One of my few karaoke specials is that song from Hell Freezes Over.  I know a couple of Bonnie Raitt tunes too but that's about the extent of my repertoire.  Not that I've been in a bar for about five years know what I mean.  I was crawling through them when stage shows were great weekend entertainment run by computer geeks with light shows.  The one at Bev's was called Monkey Boy.  That poor little guy who only knew Walkin' in Memphis ended up dying in a house a'fire.  There was one cleanup guy who rode a bike to work and when his died I gave him the one I had.   That seems like eons ago.

So all the politicians are pretty much avoiding rallies ( except for a few with good security ) because right now who the hell knows where some ISIS or otherwise idiot will show up with a gun in a right-to-carry state.  This is how people get assassinated y'all.  Well, that and bombs on buggies.  That most Americans don't see the dual danger of Trump and ISIS, I cannot understand.  I guess the sheeple have lost their minds.
Window blind guy came today and is looking even better around Casa Poops.  Lights come next and then yard cleanup.   Beverly and her family will be planting a garden so I can help with that and share in the bounty.  Having these folks for neighbors following the reign of terror that the previous tenants ran is like a gift from God.  I do NOT miss the constant visits from the law for welfare checks and transport to the mental hospital.

There is a lone ceiling fan swirling in the wind on my front porch, the last of what Daddy did when we moved here.  It will be gone soon and replaced with a light that turns on and off so I can see to scrape the ice off the Camry in the dark before work.  My time today gave me the opportunity to observe a family in a situation that is all too recent for me and I could feel the pain involved acutely, and told them so.  "I know how you feel" is all it took to make a connection.

I pulled BG's old art kit from Coldwater Creek out of the closet and have proceeded to color ME pictures to my heart's content.  There is therapy in that, just like with writing and talking.  Oh, and by the way "i'd like to find your inner child and kick its' little ass!"

Stay the course ~

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

gang mentality

Nothing says anarchy like blowing up transit systems and killing innocents for your own glory and gratification.  To say that it is being done in the name of a loving God is bullshit.  Yes...Allah is great.  He is also gentle and loving and hates what you do.  Newsflash#  There are no virgins in heaven.  That's a fairy tale.  The Trump followers are running a close second in that category at present.  As the violence moves west again, I wonder how it will all end.  Surely there won't be a zombie thing going on.  People!  This is not an app or video game.  It's real crazed religious zealots who don't give a shit.  And yes, I'm steady praying about it.

I'm breathing deeper now that spring is here because winter was full of grief in many ways.  I tend to anticipate loss by seeing what's coming and being prepared only sometimes that's not he case at all.  Sometimes you just get slapped with tragedy.  Everybody's got something, right?  My therapy session by phone is scheduled for Friday afternoon which is a great way to start the weekend.

I called BK lawyer's office today asking about vehicle options because I need a car like, even the cops told me "get a better car."  After I shop and come up with options, they will submit it to the court for consideration.  Takes about six weeks or so.   I can live with that..  My friend who is a bean counter in Nashvegas sent me a picture of his family's new house in the woods and it's to die for beautiful.  Coincidentally it's close to the Pilot which is "halfway".  Hmmm.

I'm doing CBs job while she's on vacay and I have a new appreciation of the front desk.  Thank the lort' flu season is winding down.  Everybody's  just kinda' going with the flow and seeing what shoe drops next.  I admire the leadership team that is being formed. currently and wish for the best at our little sawmill.  There's a lot of good people who work there and are willing to be quality front line in spite of financial restrictions like pay raises and capital investment for equipment.  I can honestly say that without that team I would have lost it during the multiple admissions of my parents.  I remember vividly one night going to meet *another ambulance at the ER being totally pissed off because she had just been there and got released too early.  I went ape shit postal on the redheaded MD.   Not in the mood to play.

I was there for both of them in that way because I took on the responsibility for their healthcare decisions by proxy and I have the paper to prove it.  Though I doubt myself at times, I know in my heart that I paid them back for the tuition at UTCHS.  Dr. Noonan wrote me a letter of recommendation so I reckon it's all his fault that I'm still working.

Namaste ~

Sunday, March 20, 2016

a chair of bowlies

I was introduced to the art of St Louis artist Mary Engelbreit by my friend Sally many years ago.  I recognize her art wherever I find it which, quite surprisingly, was on the ladies room bench at some random bar in Paris.  No wait...the VFW where I saw my first ever red lab.  This dog was gorgeous!  They are an anomaly and hard to come by.  Amy has a silver baby called Greta who lives in Chicago with their big old family.  Her heart just broke when Java died, kinda' like with Faith and Butters and me.

 Real live Jesus is among us now doing miracles and laughing with the locals at celebrations like births and weddings.  His healing power was never as evident as when he reached out to those that society shunned such as lepers and the least of these.  Please note, he never got hurt or infected.  Only miracles y'all.  Water into wine is my favorite.

The old testament history about God being mad at everybody and raining down on them could happen again if we're not careful.  I've never melted bronze in a drunken orgy but uh...according to movies that's how it went.  So much of our energy today goes toward trying to support family on a living wage.  The poverty levels are astounding and perpetuate the use of government assistance.  It's a freakin' cycle that has been going on for 30 years.  It's not about black or white or creed but about who stands for what outside of the MSM.  

It's a shell game involving two big corporate industries and we are the little fish.  There is Big Oil and Big Insurance.  Big Pharm is all up in the Big Insurance deal so that the "little people" who work the front lines of healthcare delivery know how to administer what's on corporate contract.   There are lots of meetings about policy and procedure and all are mandatory to retain employment.  Randoms are performed  on a monthly basis and this panel includes cannabis which is so wrong on so many levels I can't even describe.  For five years a THC positive was an alert value in our lab and ER.  The docs finally said "pleasedon'tcall"

Nationwide our ER services are totally tied up with the elderly, chronically ill or otherwise end stage people who deserve to be treated like family.  Addicts clog the way between true emergencies and just another doctor shop.  I can pretty much guarantee that the little diva bitch next to Daddy's room was a frequent flyer based on her tone of voice on our last admission.  The red headed doc mouthed to me across the room *it's bad!  and it was.  That was about a month after Noler and Aunt Granny died.   I mean seriously...2015 was a dead people marathon.  I finished up the latest thank yous for church contributions in their memory.  Mama would be so proud.

Mom had this big tacky plastic pin on the board behind the kitchen that said "this is not a dress rehearsal" along with the always famous "at home between 2 and 4 on Sunday" and "i am not martha stewart".  Oh and the always famous cow or pig. I miss her a lot and Daddy too.  It was total chaos but it was familiar, ya know?  Long term care giving is exhausting as a profession and fraught with the possibility of elder abuse due to money crunching.  Always have an advocate.  

Rejoice ~


meet me in the middle

BG and me hit the road yesterday on a day trip to drop her off with childhood BFF Heather.  Because the Camry isn't interstate worthy, I rented one from Enterprise where Kendall runs the store like a professional.  And, of course, he's gotten a promotion and will soon be gone.  Hes served us before during the wreckathon of October.  I had made the reservation on Friday and hit the bank up early for some cash ONLY to find that they don't accept it because of holdups at gunpoint.  So.  Back to the bank and to pick up a piece of mail which is required for use of a debit card.  I was supposed to be getting a Fusion and got an upgrade to full size '15 Altima.  Can you say "car fever?"  Both Camry and Cadi,  neither road-worthy, are tied up in BK which is as Hoss would say "unfortunate."  Meanwhile, my credit score is excellent because everybody's getting paid as long as I'm working.

I've crunched the numbers on retirement and things don't look good for supporting my current lifestyle which is ridiculously simple.  I don't shop for fun, go out for dinner or otherwise do things that normal people do to blow off steam.  I don't like that kind of thing and that's okay.  My cage has been rattled again at the sawmill and it was a tough week what with that and all the flooding.  I am a really tough broad most of the time, but enough is enough.  The eternally upbeat doctor who heads our show gave me the best pep talk he could along the lines of "next week will be better!". And it will be.  I was so confused that I thought today was Easter thus the long ( and early ) Maundy Thursday reflection.  Today is REALLY the day that children worldwide will wave palm branches for a triumphal entry.

The coming week would be one of preaching and miracles, promise and betrayal.  The very people who had seen what he could do banded together and handed him over to Pilate.  It sounds impossible, but then we all do that every time we fail to act with love and faith.  What he did for them, and for us, in return for that betrayal was to give his life so that we might be forgiven.  My theory on forgiveness is this: If you don't know in your heart what you're doing is wrong,  it's not even really  something you're accountable for except to say "Hey, I was wrong." and ask for forgiveness.  It's always there.  Always.

The sinning part comes when you know an action results in harm to others or yourself and you do it anyway because it feels good.  That's why I don't really blame a lot of people for their actions because they are operating from some place of insecurity that manifests itself as control or survival.  When push comes to shove, anybody will throw you under the bus to save their own skin.

The neighbors invited me for dinner last night but I was already clean and snuggled up.  I hate to drive and it wears me out, even in a nice car.  I-40 is filled with trucks on any given day and it's also spring break so there you go.  We met at a Pilot center near Loretta Lynn's ranch which is still very much a thing.  Hurricane Mills, TN.  After I got home, I spent time on the phone with Cousin Clarence in Utah and  Mahala over there in the holler of NC.  Her voice sounded just like I expected it to and she caught me up on all the things that happened at the asylum.  Lerd.

Hosanna ~

Thursday, March 17, 2016

are we there yet?

Like I said, the old Dell is just about dead.  The coughing and sputtering yesterday led to a final flicker from the monitor, which I dropped.  Don.'t even ask, umkay?  It was crisis day for me in more ways than one and I ended up doing the ugly cry with several good friends none of whom have a thing to do with it.  Both know the struggles and we've shared them together.  Lorna's mama passed away around the same time as my daddy.  Her grandson posted a picture of Wanda's  feet in munchkin shoes at the nursing home.  I bought the new monitor from his young company and was surprised at the skill and personality up front.  There was a former businessman in front of me holding things up with a ton of questions when he just could go see the geek squad which is where he's headed.  *sigh*

I have soul sisters at the beach and one planning to take me so there's that to look forward to.  I'm so pitiful I spent the DTV rewards card on a monitor so I can kinda' sorta' blog.  My mother is smiling in heaven  at the thought of me still tapping the bright yellow keys and being a big mouth liberal/progressive lover of the earth.  It is God's gift to me and you that this is Maundy thursday, the night when Jesus washed feet and had supper with them and EVERY single one ratted him out or bailed.  When I think about being a child of God, I think it's what he would do to just forgive and love again.  Some people never learn until they see the big Easter morning show!

Ethel Hamilton, my maternal great-grand was a stern woman at the end when I was chilling with her.  She had birds always, parakeets and seed everywhere on the newspaper covered cages.  Come sunrise service time, they would haul the caged and covered birds up into FUMC and wait for them to sing!  I woke up early this morning, not real sure what got purged but feeling a whole lot better.  Well, except for the red eyes.  Pollen is crazy y'all plus all the flood mold. Ack!

It's almost yard mowing time which means Ryan will be on the payroll for several months. I'm being patient with the asparagus because it's early.  I haven't given up on Bernie yet and it looks like Trump's people may sell him to Satan before it's done.  It is what it is and I try to make a difference but sometimes the odds are stacked.

I think the fear of driving through the floodwater is what made me crazy really....scared me to death.  Our city just got a lot of grant money and investing that in infrastructure to support a higher elevation of roadway and proper drainage for the businesses which remain should be a priority.  It's a swamp out there and on my road too, WHICH is also the very same river.  Government assumes no responsibility for damage to crop landscaping and the farmer has to pay for the levees, in more ways than one. The headwater of '10 blew it out big time and that was when all the chickens were out here on bulldoziers and whatnot.  After the cattle were sold, the ponds were filled in and one guy's idiot son buried a tractor for months.  You seriously can't make this shit up.

I found myself struggling to keep composure today but resigned to just taking a lick and staying in forward motion.  There are plans to make and books to color and reality TV to gorge on.  60 days in is like a trainwreck you can't look away from.

A gator just drove by and for a minute I thought it was Billie G.  No, I know it was.


Tuesday, March 15, 2016

turn around don't drown

Law enforcement is every freakin' where because of our local flooding in the Forked Deer and Big Muddy venues.   When I came home from town yesterday it was barely across the road.  This morning ( in the dark) there was a brown river between stakes in the ditches.   I said to myself "self...this doesn't look good" even for one who has had many  miracles abound.  I did go home and wait for a splash of daylight so I could see better and even then, I felt the current pulling me to the left just before the front tires hit pavement.  I wouldn't have drowned but I sure would have been screwed what with no money for a car.  After  having a very busy day at the sawmill my friend and neighbor James Frank picked me up on the other side and I left the car at Mr. Smith's.  I locked it but really?  There's nothing in there but yard sale clothes.

With the water up all sorts of critters are on higher ground and that drives my dogs nuts when the windows are open.  Coyotes, coons and possum are everywhere in the night with beady little eyes and an attitude.  I found myself at a turning point today when having a personal conversation .  All of the pain and grief of the last year came spilling out in a torrent set off by frustration.  Time to let it go.

There are a brazillion wasps up on the eve of my mini-porch enjoying this warm day.  I'm kind of happy to have the air on because outside is, shall we say, pungent with allergens.  I bet there's more spears out there in the asparagus bed.  Buttercups are everywhere here AND at the log cabin.  My favorite thing is the stand among pine trees by the road.

So it's STOTUS time and Trump is looking more like a moron than ever.  What is so scary is that the true backbone of the GOP won't step up and do the next right thing.  Jeez.  You could live with Bernie or some other more non mentally ill type person.  Though a democrat, I hold dear a few very conservative values, especially with the money.  That's why that those wars piss me off still.   It is Holy Week which means chocolate Cadbury eggs and new frocks.  Well, usually.  I even have a picture of me in one with a hat and all.  Gloves.  Tell me my mama didn't raise a Southern lady.

There is no mail today because of the water and no schoolbus which is wise.  The rural carrier always throws treats to the dogs and waves and we went to high school together but he normally never pulls into the yard.  Yesterday brought a package from my crack dealer Amazon so he had to register attendance.  This is the very same guy who delivered grace from my blog fairy over a two year period.  Always, by USPS.

Rejoice ~

Monday, March 14, 2016

water water everywhere

Here in South Dyersburg we know the drill when the mighty Forked Deer gets full.  We got two more inches last night during a heavy thunderstorm. Unless a levee breaks, which is always a possibility, my road will be passable through the crest.  I'm good here on the hill but it's the getting in and out part  that's a problem.  Floodwater will probably finish off the trusty Camry this time, for sure.  Maybe FEMA will buy me a new one.  Or not.  My friend John's business is chest deep down on the banks of the Sunflower in Clarksdale.  What a sad day for a self made man and his family yet they soldier on, doing cleanup in kayaks on boards.  They are what you call REAL river people.

I first met Ruskey when he came to Dyersburg to help with an exploratory thing with Dyersburg peeps on developing the recreational possibilities for the Forked Deer.  He and his river partner Mike Clark of St. Louis had done a Lewis and Clark re-enactment at the local community college and I was intrigued when I saw the newspaper article so I got in touch.  That little reach out turned into several adventures for me as I shuttled John's Mississippi River customers to or from their guided expeditions.  That took me to Hickman, WK Ford landing and Arkansas.  The guys I picked up there had a beagle who rode in the canoe, I kid you not.  Little guy even had his own life jacket.  Another local also did shuttles.  He is now a reporter for the newspaper following a career as a college professor.

My talents lie more along those lines...being a writer or seeker of truth.  I have to work at a day job because I need insurance and rent money but that's about all it is to me anymore and that's sad but understandable.  I've always been an overachiever and obedient to authority and that has served many people well, including myself.  Now, I'm just too damn tired with life to care much.  Being the procrastinator that I am, I've put off exploring options until now.  I feel trapped yet I'm looking ahead to brighter days.

I can't really apologize for feeling morose and sharing it.  It is what it is and I'm working my way through a whole bunch of grief that sort of just hit for real a couple of weeks ago.  It is real to me now that my parents are gone yet I see their faces and hear their voices like they were still living and in many ways they are.  That's what the Easter surprise is all about.

Hallelujah ~

Sunday, March 13, 2016

march madness

My husband was 39 years old when he had a major blockage of the LAD called a widow maker.  It was 90% according to those in attendance. That included Dr. Hayes and Christy and a lot of others I can't remember who explained the tombstones on an electrocardiogram. There was a big fat shot of clotbuster and by the time he got loaded onto the helicopter his EKG was normal.  His final words to the chaplain were "Plesae don't let me die in this sonofabitch!"  He didn't, and lived to tell it.  During his recovery we watched the NCAA playoffs on the 10th floor of Methodist North with rain pounding on the windows.  There was  a UTI that required an extra day.  He wasn't stented because the doctor was "busy."

According to his GP Dr. Ashley, early closure is a real problem with those who don't have a stent put in place to keep things flowing.  Thus, three months later we were there again, this time with me sleeping in the window.  UCMTSU.  I loved this man with all my heart and he met me halfway. The cardiologist took the less invasive route which is how things go sometimes.  I think he left on vacay the next day.

KY cousin picked me up and drove me to Memphis.   There were many more trips to and from whatever the hell that place is called...Raleigh maybe?   I always took the shortcut at Covington and drove the two lane.  The Camry wasn't the same one I have now.  Speaking of which, I saw a Tesla yesterday with Williamson county tags parked in the lot right next to me.  Subliminal message, ya' think?

I work for a company that has stockholders who want a return on their investment which is always a problem with people who have lives outside of work.  It's not just any means.  There are about 600 of us who believe that healthcare is something that people deserve, especially when they pay for it.  There's a lot of abuse and whatnot of the system.  What we consist of is a band-aid station between here and Jackson or Memphis.  Nobody here sees that because we're all about providing more services that involve risk and make money.  I so wish I could talk to that guy in charge of the big plan.  I think his name is Wayne.

Since Wayne's company bought our facility I've gotten no cost of living raise and even none for good evaluations other than 1% because ..umm, I don't know other than I'm a slow learner.  There are all kinds of cost cutters up in there on a daily basis checking our hours and cutting benefits.  This is seriously not a way to run a successful business.  No wonder the stock sells for 16 bucks.  I will be dooced for this, and I could care less.

Friday I found myself in crisis and needed a professional to run interference for me just for an hour.  There were multiple phone calls to random providers and nobody ever said, at any point, how are you doing?   Annie asked me that today and I replied good because that's the new normal.  I did my best with this day and hustled plus saved a few lives.

The time change has really done a number on my head which is new.  We won't dwell on that, umkay?

Spring Forward ~

thanks trump

Well the sun came out today and the clouds parted, if just for an afternoon and there was much rejoicing in the Southeast.  Drilling down, the mighty Forked Deer is up to the asphalt again which is why the lug nuts won't come off the tires of the trusty Camry.  Too much muddy water, even for a Toyota with 60K on the engine.  I can't believe I drove that thing up in the parking lot at FUMC picking up my elders for brunch every Sunday.  There was a year or more when the  passenger window up front had plastic on it.  Tara did that, bless her soul and RIP.

Annie and I talk just about every day and that's good for my soul. She has memories of Mom and Daddy at  young ages and we swap stories.  My favorite is the one where Mom hit BabySister in the head with a coke bottle because it was too rowdy.  I'm glad she never did that to me!  I never got spankings (imaginethat) and she only slapped me one time when I was 13 and called her a bitch.  Honestly, I deserved it.  Every 13 year old diva does.

 The whole presidential thing has gone off my radar because I'm not into MSM  crowd sourced rallies for this that or the other candidate.  Show me an honest conversation about basic issues and I will listen.  Otherwise, move along.   And you know what?  I'm not the only one who feels that way.  I think there's a town hall tonight with you know who so maybe I'll catch up with the liberal media tomorrow and get bullet points.

I'll let y'all know if I need a ride across the field to the golf course road and up toward town.  Gotta' go plant some shit.

Holla ~

Saturday, March 12, 2016

unicorns and monsters

My friend Pax and his sister Teresa are at a Monster Mania weekend thing which I think is mighty cool considering how much time they've spent with their parents lately.  He retired from social work with the state of Joisey a couple of years ago to help with their care.  Fo free!  It's what we caregivers do, ya' know?  Sawmill was steady but manageable so I got to go by Kroger for some rations because "thankyousweetbabyjeebus" it wasn't raining.  I even hit up the liquor store and visited with Burt and Blake.  We have history up in there and my brother is a huge part of it.

There are no lights in this house except for the occasional lamp or candle.  BG and I have spent a lot of hours in the dark this week talking about life and whatnot.  What a comfort to have someone who knows the history of us.  Each of us is slowly sorting through the heritage and healing during that process.  She seems excited and anxious to get on with life which is something I haven't seen in a long long time.  That makes my heart happy.

Trumpomania is about to implode which is what Lorna told me three years ago would happen.  " They will eat each other" she said and laughed wickedly.  Here's a news flash for you:

Global warming is not only real but out of control.  Science has proven that.

People are sick and dying on every street of every community all over the world.  There is civil war and the Allies play Big Ike trying to protect their interests.  Most countries have just said to hell with it and gone home to protect themselves from ISIS.

A political event paid for by a billionaire who is running for president which ties up the entire CPD to deal with dickheads is not a good idea.  Let's cancel them all please.

Mental health is a very subjective thing and much of it is tied to coping skills rather than proper medication.  The pharmaceutical industry has made trillions off of opiates in the healthcare hamster wheel and produced a couple of generations of junkies.  This, along with big insurance, is why nobody can afford preventive healthcare.  I mean's a no brainer to keep people healthy.  Consider Cannabis.

It's natural ...of the earth ~ Nancy Botwin

Friday, March 11, 2016

cats and dogs

Lerd.  I foresee a major swamping event following days of flash flooding.  The Camry is squealing and got made fun of last night when the tire went flat.  The cops who responded laughed at my Bernie sticker on the bumper and the no door handle thing. least I persevere.  How else will I make it to the sawmill to save lives and pay the rent?  The guy from Patterson Brothers who picked me up was amazed at where I live because he never knew it was here.  On the way into town I told him the story of riding out during great headwater of '10 in the back of my crackhead neighbor's friend's pickup with a screaming baby in the back seat.  Me and BG we in the bed and he played Mario Andretti across the muddy field until we almost jumped out.  You seriously can't make this shit up.

Bubba just brought back a new batch of EOBs from Mom's last hospital visit. Fortunately she we don't owe anything because Medicare and badass Federal retiree insurance paid for it all just like they have so many times before.  Looking at these charges reminds me how expensive it is to deliver care because "everybody" gets their piece of the healthcare dollar.  Back in the day doctors worked for the hospital and there was a single bill.  Lunch was free and so was health insurance.  We still did autopsies in the creepy basement morgue with our fearless leader running the saw.  Think Quincy meets St. Elsewhere and you get the picture. with a dash of Dr.Welby.  I miss those days.

I have no comment on anything other than I'm glad to be at home..At some point when I can't drive or otherwise get around, that won't be the case.  The thing about aging is that you lose independence when you live long enough.  At some point either friends, family or the necessity of care trump your will to live life your own way and that's a shame.  If you are financially secure, like my parents, you get to stay at home until the shit hits the fan.  As my brother says, everything is a process.

Calm ~

Thursday, March 10, 2016

real live therapy

I hate to whine about the weather but I will because I can.  I got to sleep late and spend lots of time with BG in between signing on a new dryer because mine doesn't work with the hemostats any more.  Seriously.  If I have the $$ to do it right, it will happen.  Not sure how much longer I'll be employed because I heard the difference bet ween 62 and 66 ain't much by government standards.  The only retirement income I have is from a free pension with MHS all those years.  I never did have the cash to invest in  the new guys.  Let's just say times were hard.

The mighty Forked Deer is about full and flowing over with no relief in sight. Once again, a hill is a very good place to be.  One of my oldest picker friends came by today and we went to check out Daddy's shed and the basement of where I live.  It's full of windows and doors but not much else.  I've been cleaning since the day I moved in here!  He found a very nice tack hammer which I brought up the hill to help with art display.

I heard there was another mass shooting but I'm not inclined to follow those stories anymore because nobody wants to have their 2nd amendment rights stomped on and Republicans love that shit.  I don't own a gun nor do I need one.  If it's my time to go let it be quick and not by neo-nazis.  Seriously.

This time off is what I need, plus more.  I tend to be co-dependent in every situation including work and family.  It's what I learned and old habits die hard.  My unlearning began at he age of 32 when I began therapy and found out who I was.  It wasn't pretty but very predictable.  The hemostat operated dryer finally gave up the ghost so there's a new one in there now thanks to GAFCO et al.

Me and an old picker buddy visited Daddy's shed today and dug through the muck and snakeskins,  There are garden tools that I can use but not much else.  It was his haven after he got too old to visit the Bizzle house.  There's this random grapevine wreath stuck in the eaves up top.  Probably Mama's thing, you know? We'll sell that one too.

For the moment the rain has stopped.  I think we have a day off before a weekend of more of the same.  I have enjoyed this day because of being spontaneous kinda' sorta.  When I was in the dryer store I ran into my old friend Annette and we talked about every little thing.  She and her twin sister are caregivers for their mama Miss Mary who used to be a nurse with us.  It's a small small world.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

just like a movie

Why yes it is pouring down rain for day one of our annual spring monsoon.  The end of Pecan Lane is covered and the dogs are barking at the stormy weather plus they're mad because they can't get off the porch.  I'm thankful to have two days off for hibernation due to the lingering weather pattern.  I guess I'll have to cook something since pizza guy can't get through.

I rarely have comments on my blog except for Judy who is *always* a cheerleader and life coach.  She's about ten years ahead of me and has been a floral designer and event person for eons.  We go all the way back to the days of Old Hoss and that bunch.  Some new and anonymous reader advised me to be a bit happier with life and not so negative all the time.  I've been told that before and when it happens I tell myself that realism is not the same as negativity.  It is what it is, and accepting what it is comes with pain.  To deny that pain is to say that it doesn't exist and by golly it does.  Nobody has a certain mourning period for anything because we are all in transition at any given point in time to the new normal.  Where the hell the charge nurse thing came from is beyond me.   I guess everybody thinks I'm a nurse because I work know and wear a uniform.  Nah...just a medical laboratory technologist with a lot of years on the books.  You can't buy that kind of experience.  The Benthal girls lovingly called me "almost a nurse" when they were little.

I am a very spiritual person believe it or not.  I believe in one God who is good and loving.  I cherish the ideals of truth and justice while realizing that sometimes they suck.   As a Christian I believe that Jesus is the son of God but I respect the beliefs of those who differ and do not feel compelled to change their minds through missionary work and whatnot unless it is done in our own community or backyard in a secular way. My Republican boss of a pathologist congratulated me today on Bernie's Michigan showing  and proceeded to tell me how much he despises Hillary and Trump.  He doesn't like Rubio or Cruz either so there you go.

As odd as it may seem, I have a deep and abiding respect for the Constitution and particularly the part about separation of church and state.  Any time religion enters the halls of government, somebody gets denied the right to believe as they want.  And that?  Is a guarantee of said document.  Just think about all the government funding went toward persecuting the O'Hare and then she changed her mind.  Geez.

Y'all need to check on Mahala over in the holler.  She's had a bad patch that makes mine look a cake walk. At least there were no guns involved in my recent past.  The loss of her job is something that everybody faces when there's a buyout and change in management.  Everybody at the Asylum was shocked and dismayed, to say the least.  I'm figuring it's time for her mojo to rise up out of that stinking place!

Towanda ~

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

us versus them

Every organization that is effective has regular meetings of some sort and a  power point that must be followed.  Today at the sawmill was no exception as we met around the table as a team plus some stray kids.  It's Ryen's "16th she was at the table with us while her sister Katie sat in the corner.  Tori, as usual, was mesmerizing and I watched as she and Sondra rolled a ball across in the dark.  It was a nice distraction from rules and bullet points.  One of my oldest peeps is Becky whom I rarely see because our shifts don't overlap.  I'm the early bird and she's the night owl, if you know what I mean.  She looks tired like the rest of us and held the fort down.

So Nancy, the daffodils are absolutely gorgeous but about to get soaked for several days.  Guess I better pick some for the indoor time.  Between work and work I went to Lowe's today and bought some AC filters and herbs + pansies.   Decorating is going slow but steady.  Blinds will be installed in a couple of weeks.  I wish my Daddy could see it now all painted and beautiful.  He did the best we could in 1984 to make it traditionally country chic.

Said monsoon is bearing closer to the hill so I better go cover the garbage can like the redneck that I am. Maybe it won't blow away with all those pillows stuffed  in it!  Feeling grateful and exhausted all at once.  Does that make sense?

Peace ~

Monday, March 7, 2016

the germans are coming!

I don't mean to be an alarmist or anything but do ya'll realize how many freaking refugees are living in cardboard boxes waiting to get to another country....ANY country other than Syria or Iraq?  Europe is about to implode with all this and London is on high alert for ISIS?  O.M.G.  And here we sit looking like a bunch of dumbasses with Donald Trump having KKK rallies during his campaign and HE"S WINNING.  Somebody hold me now.  I was encouraged by the debate last night which I watched today in three minutes on Huff.  I especially like it when Bernie told  HRC to "let me talk. You'll get your turn."   He wrangled her on the bank bailouts and she came back with being saviour of the auto industry along with our POTUS. I distinctly remember the set of circumstances that brought our financial crisis about and it had a lot to do with wars and  oil, not necessarily in that order.  Cheney and every one of those bastards who made money off of our troops should be charged with treason.  This lengthy war was fought in God awful conditions with jihadists on their home turf.  IED wasn't even a word I knew before then.  These folks came back with PTSD, some with a lot of money that didn't last long, and got education and healthcare benefits which Congress steady fucks with.  There are no jobs making a living wage to be had for someone who just knows how to be a soldier.  My friend Joe shared his story with me one time and how he and the wife just were never the same after they returned to the states. She was a gunner.

Speaking of Flint, I passed an unusual sight on the way home from work. A huge truck collecting water for the residents in MI was parked next to the demo site where the building burned downtown.  I had no cash and certainly no bottled water but I silently prayed for a successful drive.  When municipalities poison the people who pay for their services through faulty practice, somebody needs to step in.

We have a new cousin on the way named Olivia James, after her grandfather.  If she's anything like her mom and granny she'll be gorgeous and girlie.   Mo is my sister, for real.  We have been there done that during the past year what with all the funerals and such.  Freddie and Marilyn stopped by for a group hug last week and  it was just what I needed.  CEB hugs me at least once a shift. Sondra gives me neck rubs. It's the little things, you know?

My friend Mahala lives in a holler in North Carolina with her daughter TA and various critters.  She has worked at the shittiest job ever for years where she does all the work and men with clipboards and district sales goals ride her ass.  The cast of characters that has come from her job is endless so you should all go visit her blog and read the history.  I'm pretty sure she still has bunnies and practices witchcraft.  Plus, she's a Melungeon so there's that value added piece.

Soldier on ~


Sunday, March 6, 2016

the estate

My brother is in charge of all things financial with what my parents had.  There were a few wills and personal notations about who should get what but for the most part he's the go to guy for liquidation of their life together and our history.  I trust him completely and resent when he bitches at me about what I take from the log cabin.  Today's snide comment was about putting some things right over there in the corner where the TV used to be.

It's kind of sad there now and I don't go unless I have to.  Some lucky folks will scoop up ancient appliances and various collectibles and be happy with what they spent.  All of this is under the direction of a staging lady who is about my parents' age.  Somebody remind me to pick up my grandmother's rocking chair before the day of.  That, was in the will along with the gold piece.  The rest of it can go for whatever folks are willing to pay.  It ain't my circus anymore.

White and Associates were promised an antique bench from the hospital that was in their building and we will honor that pledge.  Ditto for the clock and silo painting because...history.  More china will be moved back into the shack aka museum.  The seriously cute chair matches my bedroom so it stays even with one arm chewed off by some dog or another.  My legacy is long and doesn't involve one bit of ownership.  I choose to see that as a blessing right now.

Daddy came to be farm manager in 1956 via his father in law Harold Reaves and landowner Harry Calcutt Sr.  He was a recent graduate of UTM ag college and did double duty with farm management and USDA service chasing japanese beetles.  I hate to break it to him, but they lost the bug thing.  They are every freakin' where including inside the brand new windows.  Harry and Nan would come around now and then to visit their Dyersburg friends which included the Ashleys.  They would all sit under the magnolia tree over by the shack and ride horses on occasion.  Daddy was the horse man and I watched him many a day get them out of the barn and saddled up for an adventure with corporate.

He spent his retirement days patching up ancient fences with a hammer to try and keep the cattle in.  It didn't work, by the way.  There was a rub between two trees across the lane made by PW's company but it's gone now.  So are the cattle which now live on Sorrell's Chapel at the farm.  Gazing out the window I see backwater toward the riverbed which won't be gone until May or after if then.  This is why beans don't get planted until June.

I know that I have been blessed beyond measure but sometimes I just need validation that my life matters. Anybody know what that feels like?  There's a huge honking irrigation system about to run up and down Samaria Bend Road and the corn.  And then there's Trump and Monsanto.  Don't even get me started because I might just kill myself.  No wait, I don't have a gun.

Peace ~

bloody sunday

My one outing today was guessed it...the gentral.  Not the shady one this week, thankyouverymuch. Diane up at Four Points runs a nice store with nice people and you can find things.  It's the best one in Dyersburg and only a mile from my house.  Since we live in a "food desert" ten miles away from Kroger  I hit the DG up quite often, even though I don't agree with their business practice at times.  I miss the Mom and Pop grocery store on my way home from town...the one that flooded two years in a row.  The second time there was water up to the ceiling which was time to hang it up for Van and his family.  He  had rented the building for years and it was pretty bad to begin with but a convenient stop for many headed south.  Best.Meat.Ever.I heard on the radio that there's a free range meat company in Newbern but that's 15 miles away!   Somehow I managed to drop a 2 liter and start bleeding while shopping.  My skin is like paper sometimes.

I'm waiting for the afternoon warm up so I can do a little dirt digging and yard walking.  There is still no asparagus but lots of daffodils.  The TV is working in both rooms now so I'll be watching ( or recording ) tonight's debate depending on my horizontal status.  Sleeping for 12 hours is exactly what my old body needed last night.    There is more work to be done but I'm not in a hurry.  It's not like I'm going anywhere except to work and the beach.

So far I haven't heard the Christmas clock yet today.  We wish you a Merry Christmas!

Humility ~

Saturday, March 5, 2016

dog and pony show

It took me awhile to figure out what actually set the tears off today.  I was  happy and bouncing around like nobody's business at the sawmill...saving lives and eating Mexican.  Out of the blue right around leaving time the sobs started and now my face is puffy and red.  Earlier this morning I visited my co-worker with the fluttery heart and remembered Mom being in that very room.  Of course, there was that.  My thing with her used to be calling when I was snuggled down with the puppies to say goodnight.  "Guess where I am?" I'd say.  She always knew the answer.  Yesterday I played phone tag with an old friend and ended up catching him last night as he pulled into his home away from home with HIS dogs.  By that time, I was already covered in canines and about to snooze.  It was a nice familiar conversation for bedtime. T called today while driving to C'ville to do weather and we caught up on the latest which isn't much except we're all still trying to recover.  It struck me today that it's not even been six weeks since Mom died and I'm already having regrets about rushing through her last days.  I have to stop and tell myself that I work there and had responsibility as her advocate in addition to the day job so um..needed downtime each day.

It's a beautiful day in the hood with  Mia on the four wheeler and flies buzzing around the new picture window because hey....all the doors are open, or they were.  I keep forgetting that the windows  go up now! Some pleasure pilot is circling the farm in a bright red plane, which I've never noticed before.  Most of them are just white and blue or some other dull combination.   It would probably do me some good to go dig in the dirt.

Grow ~  

Friday, March 4, 2016

a very very very fine house

Only one cat, and not in the yard but..happy Friday from all of us here on the lane.  I'm working tomorrow but there's still something about Friday afternoon that's like "sheesh".  My days off are staggered  and often not together so sometimes it's easy to forget what day it actually is.  That's why it's cool to have an LIS even if it isn't fully functional in every situation.  I'm just glad to be home with my devices.

The work crews left some trash and BG hauled all ours to the side of the road for pickup but left theirs laying. Three's a garbage can in the middle of the field by the ginormous window from a tornado like wind the other day.  There was stuff flying everywhere in that southwest wind.  Yesterday was the first time I've been able to pay propane guy up front in years.  God is good to those who give faithfully.

Each and every one of us as children of God have talents and gifts...opportunities to reach out to others into their own pain filled worlds.  Isolation can be the worst thing of all when suffering in spirit.  I can remember having anxiety attacks where I just had to talk to somebody right.damn.then.  That was before Prozac by the way.  Now I feel it coming on and scope out folks I haven't heard from in awhile.  Lots of emails get sent that way.

I'm avoiding MSM because of you know who and them.  That sort of crass showmanship doesn't deserve a read or even a SMH.   Big Ernie will take that one hide and watch.  And in spite of the Cruz religious connection, I think he's out too.  Ben Carson is looking better all the time.

There are two friends on my mind today, both of them co-workers and dealing with sickness.  No wait...that's all of us!  This crew has been a rock for me during this past drama filled year.  My friend and I caught up in the parking lot this afternoon and chatted about the current reality and it was okay because I got a hug.  That's as long story in and of itself, including Sunday school.

I'm working on letting these new colors make me happy ~

Thursday, March 3, 2016

brand new day

ATT guy is out in the driveway plotting his next move I suppose.  I live so far from the place on Troy that my speed is, shall we say, slower than the average customer.  U-Verse doesn't come here either because there's only like two houses on the road so there you go.  The neighbors have satellite internet which is pricey.  Mine is pricey too now since I got TV back.  Oh well, I've got a job and such so maybe I can pay them.  Cell service is out of contract this month I believe so there's that to negotiate.  One year in I dropped my NEXT phone and got hit with a hundred dolla' co-pay for a new one.  That was very not cool.

I was steady snoozing when the painters showed up this morning to finish the job.  Everything is pretty and somewhat clean but there are still tons of piles around here and plastic in the flower beds.   I'm pulling my favorite pieces of art out for hanging because there will be none of that  random driving of nails.  The washer will be running 24/7 for a few more days and then finally, some order.  Propane guy is here in front of the big window giving us some product to get through the tail end of winter.  Today seems like a long way from the beach.

As for me and mine?  We're looking ahead with faith.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

the easter egg house

I have this color combination that I wear at the sawmill that Scotty tells me reminds him of an Easter basket. They are happy pastel colors, the very same ones that are in my newly painted home.  Jeff and Micky are almost done and we did a walk through today.  Poopie was happy with all of it, mostly because she can walk now and found the other bra.  Evidently it was behind the washer with all the dust and gunk.

When I pulled into the drive at Casa Grands today I noticed that Daddy's buttercups are blooming so of course I had to pick a handful to add to the vase.  I also scooped up a couple of lamps that have meaning, one of them a Vols orange and white stained glass creation.  TM, by gawd.  As fate would have it I am finally out of propane but managed to survive winter 15/16 without owing Butch anything. He would tell you that is proof positive there is a God.  The new windows provides a wonderful view of recreational planes coming and going at the municipal airport.  Who can tell I'm jonesing to get out there in the dirt???

We were discussing presidential things at the lunch table today and CB told me that her 15 year old daughter is supporting Bernie Sanders, the one who will take all your money....*snort.  That gave me some encouragement on many levels on the Wednesday following Super Tuesday.  I'm sitting here in a coat of many colors that was my mother's and feeling spiritual in a lot of ways.  The ancient Dell was dead, I thought but no....just an ATT line issue resolved by phone.

Yeah...blessed ~

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

a losing battle

It's a good thing I'm too tired to be wanting to move furniture around because it's still all parked in wait for the paint to be finished. It's almost a done deal and I'm amazed at the different feel of this place already.  Lily and I are sitting here looking out the window but yesterday was warm enough to sit barefoot on the front steps and soak up a sunset with the dogs.  Almost like spring, just not yet.  I've gotten all the electronics out of whack moving wires around and couldn't even get the monitor on yesterday thus the silence.  In retrospect, it was a good thing.  Too much writing keeps me inside my head which isn't always a good thing.

There are a lot of things on my mind these days, most of them non-life threatening but important.  Now that the responsibility of being a constant caregiver is gone I have time to relax and go with the flow which is where creativity is born.  It's primary day in Tenn but I voted  days ago before Trump got his ass kicked by not one but two Democrats.  I don't take a lot of pleasure in seeing him go down because frankly the mentality of that flock following him scares the wits out of me.  This is NOT a dress rehearsal.  If I hear one more person say : " I like that he's not a politician" I might shoot my eye out.  Hell yes he is!  He's running for the Republican nomination you idiots.

I was talking with a friend today about her son and his learning disability and she was pretty anxious about the whole thing, understandably.  We talked about ways that she could help him, she an extrovert and he extremely introverted.  I explained to her that he feels her anxiety about his "progress" and that contributes to the situation.  She is still at that age where you worry about everything expecting the worst.  He is a wonderful kid and quite loving.  He just doesn't like to be pushed!!

I found myself running through the day at the sawmill the way I used to do before life smacked me down.  this is also not a good thing because the more you give, the more is expected and I'm too old for that.  Thirty years of hustle is enough for anybody, especially at the bedside level in healthcare.  If I were a gambling kind of gal I'd say at any given point in time 50% of the workforce is experiencing burnout from doing too much with too little.  Always have an advocate by your side.  Always.  Even then shit happens, but at least you know what's up.

The grief is still heavy.  BG rescued Mama's Christmas clock which plays a tune on the hour and I've been listening to Jingle Bells once a day ever since.  It always happens at just the right time to let me know that my parents are still with me in spirit.

Agape ~