Friday, November 30, 2012

talking dogs and deck the halls

I'm still prone to cry at least once or twice a day thinking about something that Faith did that I miss, like poking her head in between my arm and body to get a head rub and be called "pretty girl." She could actually talk and I'm not lying...BG could get her to talking just like a pro by changing the pitch and tone of her own voice while asking questions. "Do you love me? I love Youuuuuu". Our friend taught her as a puppy to sit, stay, shake and love. Having done the grief work for eight zillion losses helps when it comes down to stark reality.

Tomorrow is officially December and I'm thinking that maybe by New Year's Eve I'll have the house picked up enough for a tree. That used to be a big thing, and now it's just another detail that could pass without much notice. When I say that I've hit the wall, don't doubt it for a minute. My primal screams of two nights ago were pure anguish and very cathartic. I have had it with corporate America and everything that it stands for which is a big reason that I'm just hunkering down and trying to concentrate on self care. Somehow in all the weeks and months of pill counting and crisis responding, I've lost myself and the art of taking care of ME. They don't mean to be demanding, it's just that an eighty year old couple living alone is kind of a dangerous situation at the very least, and a huge responsibility. And no, I won't be sleeping on their couch because Daddy won't allow it and I know better.

I was telling my friends at work today about blog fairy and how her last flight allowed me to put gas in the car and eat for a week. They were dumbfounded, not knowing the history of how BF showed up on Christmas eve of last year and changed my life forever. Somebody loves me, this I know for sure. Well, probably a lot of somebodies :)

Ya'll keep the faith ^j^

Thursday, November 29, 2012

multitasking as a virtue

Since my major depressive episode this week has begun to subside it's back to the sawmill. Too bad I can't use funeral leave or something. BG and I are going to visit shortly in the afternoon sun to chill with our baby. The bouquet of flowers is still there standing proudly in the freshly dug earth. The other three are sad, most especially Sammy because they go way back. He's now officially attached to my hip on the futon. I am absolutely stunned at the compassion that people have shown for me this week in little ways from switching a shift or calling to see if I'm okay..and oh those cyberhugs! We have been struggling with our set of particular issues for going on five years and something's got to give. Hopefully it won't be my sanity.

My next task, and I have already decided it shall taking over med management for both of them because I spend lord knows how many hours running here there and yonder looking for a total of about twenty scripts between them. Plus my own, of course. We are about eight miles from the nearest anything that resembles a pharmacy or a grocery store. Not much, unless you make the trip ten times a day in an 11 year old Camry, just saying. It was meant to be though, because I still keep moving. Our friend who dug the hole yesterday did the old dig and change seats thing until he was sweating even in the cold. Basically, that's what life is about..change and how we adapt. It's a very simple concept that we spent so much energy ranting to avoid.

I was touched that my mother felt my pain so intensely because she knows the feeling of being trapped and not having viable choices. Sometimes it just it what it is. There are jokes about big girl panties for people like me! Mama even gave me some at Christmas one year, smartass that she can be. One of the things that I can readily admit to about myself is that I don't know when to just give it up and let somebody else take over. But I'm learning as others around me grow more responsible and are able to provide support.

One day, one step at a time ^j^

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

and then, there were three

That's the remark BG made as we pulled out of the driveway with Sam, Oscar and Ryder all chasing and playing and wondering where Faith was. At the moment, there are two very sad people out in the pine grove digging a hole next to Butterbean, this onc twice the size to hold our big sweet pretty brown girl and her box. Her "daddy" our former roomie is helping with the whole deal because he raised her too. Many years ago when she was learning the art of riding in a truck bed, he managed to drop her on her head in the middle of Lake Road, our 'burg's busiest street. She bounced right back up and never did much like truck beds that much again. Like the lady that we was, she preferred sitting in the back seat with her head hanging out in the wind.

She was about nine weeks old when she came to live with us and I will never forget the pics that my brother and sister-in-law took of her sweet puppy face sitting on my front porch swing. I had a friend with a four wheeler and a chocolate male who was definitely her first love, and we would ride for miles through bean fields with those two chasing behind, stopping occasionally to wait on them to catch up and eat the dust. She lived a good life...every dog's dream. She ran and played for many years until arthritis slowed her down and Rimadyl became a necessity. When she got pregnant for the first time at the ripe old age of ten, we were floored. That delivery in February was probably the beginning of the pyometra and ultimately caused her death. We put out a lot of money, still owed, to pay for a surgery that gave us a few weeks to tell her goodbye. More than once I mentioned that to BG and how Ryder is her gift to us...a living breathing part of her pretty girl self. She got mad at me for being negative, but I could see the writing on the wall.

She had taken the new futon as her own since it was of a climbable height and quite comfy. We were all in BG's room chilling and watching TV when we heard a thud and found her on the floor, barely breathing. I cradled her head in my lap as she took a few last breaths and it was over. That's when I began to wail like a banshee for what seemed like EVER. My heart hurts, not just for her but for all of us. As I sobbed into my frail little mother's shoulder today she reminded me that there are "others" coming and she cried as well. That looms constantly, with them just one little break of a bone away from whatever the next step is. We are all exhausted, physically, emotionally and financially. But we've got each other, so it's okay.

Lest all that isn't enough drama, let me tell you about what ELSE happened...I almost went to jail last night because I dared to talk back to some smartass drug task force memeber who gave me ten seconds to get my butt in my own house. Since we've had some thefts lately, there are more patrols out and about in this area. As soon as Faith died, we called our friend and he headed out this way with the box and her collar. He pulled onto the lane and stopped for a minute to check his phone or something and was followed up the hill INTO my driveway by a K-9 unit complete with multiple flashing lights and swat team gear searching his truck. What they found was guns which were in a case in the back, all properly purchased and cared for. I was livid, to say the least. Here we are on the way to dig a hole in the dark to bury our beloved family member and the freakin' COPS show out? Oh.My.God. Another friend had already arrived and she and BG had to make my pissed off tail go in the house. Meanwhile, I'm trying to find somebody to work so that we can have the funeral today and um. Well, that's a whole 'nother story. I think I freaked every ONE of them out. God bless the one who made the trade, because I wouldn't have been worth a dime.

I know that these waves of grief are not all about losing Faith. They are about me letting go of the old ways and opening up for something new and better. Even though my struggles have been menial compared to what some people go through, there have been many layers and I'm just about tapped out. Multiple unresolved issues for long periods of time are not good for an old woman's peace of mind. I keep telling myself that surely I've crashed and burned enough times to be able to just let go of all of it and trust that Big Ernie will take care of me as long as I try. I know...Pollyanna to the bone.

Monday, November 26, 2012

those to whom much is given

Well, well all know that much is expected. Not sure if this verse means monetary riches or spiritual ones. Sometimes they go hand in hand! My mindless obsession with justice internet reading habits have become refined as we prepare for NoTVmageddon once more. At this point, I could care less about watching Weeds for the nineteenth time. Time to enjoy season 7 again and find my inner Newman. Truth be told, I'm ready to hunker down and be a survivalist or something. Except I don't know how to shoot a gun and would die if I did because I'd get shot worse. That's the way my luck runs, ya'll. I spent most of the weekend burning up gift cards and lovin' every minute of it and managed to snag two oil heaters that I've been lusting after. Since we have no gas and whatnot we are happily nuking lean cuisines and staying warm with the dogs. I slept like a freakin' ROCK on that new bed last night....just saying.

My living room/office/pet lounge looks like a hippie chick version of hoarders, stuffed from corner to corner with boxes of "things" that I've sorted through. It's been a very long goodbye to the life that once was here to where we are at the moment. I distinctly remember my brother referring to our journey as "the beginning of the end". We have, by degrees, been saying goodbye for many a lifestyle that blessed us with an abundance of nature and wildlife surrounding our homes. My father lived a farmer's dream as a USDA inspector by day and farm manager by day AND night. All the experience with minimal financial risk. He saw himself as their servant, the owners, and did the horse and saddle thing for years just so they could enjoy the ends of their lives here. I will never forget the time that I watched him take those horses out one last time for rides through the woods. There were two of 'em then...Pride and Trapper. We didn't see Pride for about a year after Trap was found dead in the pasture. Holed up in the barn with his grief, he did what he had to do to keep mourn his road dog and move ahead to his next thirty years. He's just that ornery too!

BG and I decided that November could well be National Suicide Month due to the absolutely nasty ass weather that is rivaled only by February. There is something to be said for window treatments during the winter. Still no tree because the spirit hasn't moved yet. And as we all know, I must leave room for that.


Sunday, November 25, 2012

mysterious ways

If it's Sunday it must be ummm...doughnut and eggs at Rita's place. That's where we headed after I scooped 'em up from the steps of FUMC at the corner of Main and McGaughey. It takes a village with my brother doing pickup and delivery to the early service and either me, BG or Tony picking up the afterwards part. Next weekend I'm working so it's plan B. After all that I rounded up my pro-bono moving crew and we headed out on that little adventure. I've never had a futon in my life and I'm totally in love with this microsuede one that we picked up from a friend. The house was full of birds chirping and whatnot...a cheery chaotic scene not unlike our own home. Then we headed to boss friend's place for a new bed for these old bones. One of the guys who helped brought his baby girl along so BG and I had fun playing with her cute little self. There's nothing happier than a little kid's giggle.

I've been playing hooky from reality reporting just because this year has made me so incredibly tired of bad news. Adding insult to injury, partisan politicians continue to play games with each other and we suffer the consequences. I don't give a rat's ass who's having affairs with whom unless it's a Soviet spy or something. It doesn't give me a really strong feeling about the mindset of this country when we try to grill a couple of guys for doing what 75% of them do. Just sayin'. Speaking of which Ryder is early with her first period so now we've got boy dogs circling like it's the OK Corral up here. Somehow that spay got put on the back burner when Faith got dying sick. She's better now and the new futon is the exact same shade of chocolate brown. I take that as a good sign.


Friday, November 23, 2012

fiscal cliff

I'm rather fond of the way the media has named the looming national debt because it's just a jumbo sized version of the way I live my life...paycheck to paycheck with every body and their brother wanting a part of my meager income. Fifteen years ago, I was considered "middle class" until the lower cap for that term was somehow set at 250K which takes me many years to earn. We pulled up at the mailbox at the edge of the drive to find yet another collection notice, this time from the dentist. While I did give the propane guy a shout-out about what's going on I failed to do that with the dentist because (a) he has an office manager to go through and (b) they're always closed for lunch or off when I go by there. Same for the insurance agent that took a four day weekend meaning that I missed deadline renewal at 12 tonight. Meh. As we rode by wallyworld, I was soooooooo glad not to be looking for my car in that packed out lot, pissed off by crowds of angry shoppers.

Last Christmas on the eve of the day, I came home to find a huge surprise in my mailbox that came at just the right time to help a girl out, if you get my drift. Finding that anonymous donation from someone who cares a whole heckuva lot about me and mine showed me a whole new meaning of the spirit of generosity. My blog fairy has consistently come through at the darkest of times this past year so I shouldn't have been surprised to find a box from the USPS on my front swing after grumbling about the dentist bill. The really odd thing? I had put a couple of the old mailers from BF out there to throw into a pile and the new package was sitting on top of 'em! Part of the air of happiness surrounding these random surprises is that BF knows me well enough to send exactly what is needed at any given moment to either lift my spirits or allow me to have some fun.......or both! Every package has been postmarked from a different location so I'm still puzzled about who BF could possibly be. But you know what? Half of the fun is the mystery. Whomever you are and for whatever reason you believe in me, thanks from the bottom of my heart. It gives me the incentive to keep faith when the chips are down.

The lady at the loan shark place lender asked me today if things were any better. I just stared at her like "would I be here if they were???" I have totally lost one of the frames that my friend made which are beautiful, by the way. He brought the latest two this week and I got both of 'em out of his car but can find only one. My living room does look like a flea market though. Gotta fix that so we can put the (thanks to BF) live tree up.

Happy Black Friday ya'll. If you feel yourself getting pushed around out there, just say eff it and go to the house. Patience is a virtue when waiting for deals.


Thursday, November 22, 2012

i guess you had to be there

Norman Rockwell would be proud of the scene around my mother's dining room table today, all five of us taking the time to sit and talk and savor the flavors. One of their friends stopped by with brownies just in time for dessert. The neighbor across the road offered some fried chittlins' and I kindly declined. Pure Americana, ya'll. BG and I took over Ms. Faye's normally spotless kitchen yesterday and created some masterpieces to add to what she had done. All we had to do was two hours of oven time and voila! Happy turkey day :) Short and sweet and one of the perks of living a mile from your family.

As we sat in the quiet living room just "being" my eyes wandered across the walls of our home, looking much like they always have featuring family heirlooms mixed and mingled with local art. There are two granite light posts in the yard that were taken from the bridge going into D'burg when they were replaced. She's THAT kind of collector and historian. She gracefully acknowledged that she had taught us well in the kitchen and thanked us for putting on the feast. The front walls are the original log and mortar from back in the day. Originally built as a summer home type of place for hunting and such, it became their home the year after I was born and Daddy took over the place.

KY cousin called while we were chillin' and we had the land line draped all the way across that living room for she and mom to chat. They are so much to so many people and I realize that in the kindness that is shown to them and to us by friends and family. I kinda got teary this morning before we left here to cook, considering that this is probably the last Thanksgiving with them living in the house. I talked to myself real hard and pulled it together but, dang. I'm so tired of keepin' on that all I want to do is sleep and work. So I can sleep and work some more.

We stopped by a friend's house with some plates before heading home to nappy time. Faith is still not well and I'm making an appointment to see what's up and the options. She doesn't seem to be suffering, but won't eat. Ryder and Oscar followed us all the way to the grands and Oscar hung around tormenting Sally in the back of my brother's truck. Border collies are not the most obedient in the world unless you let 'em know who's boss. Ryder found her way home pretty quickly so it was all good. When we left the log cabin, Oscar was riding on the console just like Butters used to do sniffing the leftovers. All of this, of course, in the trusty old Camry with no spare and one hubcap. I kid you not!

Today I am thankful for a lot of family and friends both professionally and personally speaking. There is a special place in heaven for those who have never met me in person but still believe that there is goodness out there for somebody who tries as hard as I do. Maybe I should just say "eff it" and go on public assistance. The college degree thing isn't working out so well, ya know? I am now a liability to a corporation because of my age. Not that they have a lot invested in me, mind you. But I have sick time that halved during the sale that maxes out and can't be used realistically because it affects productivity. I know, not my problem. The docs with big egos with whom I have sparred over the years have been a huge problem because they rarely listen to what a less than peer to peer associate has to say...choosing instead to play Big Ernie. As a society we have put them in that position where a big ego is acceptable and we even pay big bucks for it. Trust me..they're not always as nice to us as to all ya'll. More than a handful has made me cry like a baby.

As BG would say "thank the lort" it's time to put up the fabulously tacky fake tree. If only I could find a spot somewhere in this storage unit of a house I'm in. Keep the faith ^j^

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

thankful tidings on black thursday eve!

I seriously cannot wait to set up the nativity that I inherited from my family. Gaga was a ceramics freak and made everything from ashtrays to wise men. She was all about the fun and games. Couldn't cook work a damn because her family always had hired help for that. Lord have mercy ya'll...the tales I could tell. My great granny Ethel lived on Pate street right across the pavement from the beauty shop and my paternal grandma. Her ancient white car with the red top is buried somewhere on this farm. Probably lots of other things too.

One of my most vivid memories of living here is of a Sunday afternoon that BG and a couple of her church buddies went with me for a walk over in the woods where all the cows went to die. There were rotting bones every freakin' where and we picked some up for show and tell at school the next day. Oh mom, that's me. Meanwhile, here I sit on an outdated Dell with no couch and barely a bed and yet I still feel grateful? You bet I do. My parents are alive and mostly well and every moment with them is considered possibly the last. I'm proud of daddy for not acting up while we cooked today and made noise today. As it turned out our ride back up the hill was detained by heavy traffic so their neighbor gave us a lift.'s how we roll. This is the very man who rode with his mama and sister in the country truck with us in the back trying to get back to higher ground during the big Forked Deer flood. My landlord, bless his heart, gave us free rent for that month.

I ran into a couple of old friends at the sawmill today, the ones that used to be a part of my church related escapades with healthcare. He was the very best runner of the show that I've witnessed in a 35 year tenure. Nice guy with great leadership skills who has a very long road ahead of him. His wife is also a nurse and I can say for a fact that I don't have what it takes to do that total care thing. Give me a scope and a rack of test tubes and it's all good. The whole drama started when our county government found out the hard way that healthcare ain't free and the cost is always going up. That's when my corporate sponsor showed up to save all our lives with their inefficient use of resources in an attempt to funnel patients to the metro Shelby market. Methodist Healthcare paid 18M over market price and even Baptist stood back and said "no deal." The guy who was responsible for that little deal is long retired on some tropical island with eight virgins or something equally gross.

My favorite Thanksgiving memory is of the time that my high school friend Debbie came all the way from Texas to spend a week with us. We went to see RENT at the movie during that time and Seasons of Love has become a tradition with me. I'm toying with the idea of putting up the fake tree.

Ya think?

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

the barn door's open

As you know, I live on a sprawling acreage of farm that includes one hugeass dairy barn complete with silos and the horse barn behind my house. I can see one from most windows in the house. The wheat crop is coming up real nice and greening the fields so that it looks like a fine painting from back in the day. I tend to be lazy so I have taken a boatload of pictures of all the buildings that are standing, hoping in some way to keep the memory alive of what was. My friend Cupcake was the one who told me that my "barn door" was open after I posted one of the trillion and five of Pride's crib. Meanwhile the frame business, though labor intensive (thanks dude) has resulted in some really beautiful pieces of art to to combine with another medium. Also thinking about throwing on a few beads or feathers...hmmm. My Salsa sister is the bead queen, hands down. I've got a few treasured creations that I've bought over the years and would kill somebody who dared try to take 'em.

Meanwhile, we're still making plans to cook like fools tomorrow afternoon preparing a feast fit for the Staffords and whomever else shows up. You just never know! I was reading today about all the folks in Jersey and New York still without homes and some, even the basic necessities. That it took two weeks for a disaster of that magnitude to be dealt with doesn't surprise me. All of the money that used to be spent on infrastructure and public service is going to Wall Street and Asia. I read about the destruction to the beaches that will never be the same again regardless of how many tons of sand are thrown on them. The ones that are built up seemed to work in this storm. It's said to be costly and why bother. Are you KIDDING me??? When I saw the response to Katrina I knew right then and there that we are screwed. As for President Obama? I think he's addressing things in a timely manner and not threatening anybody because Lord knows we don't need all that drama what with the holidays coming.

Besides the propane thing, this will be the second year that nobody will get a birthday or any other sort of holiday gift because hey..times are hard. What used to be a huge orgy of spending and giving just because has turned into a real good excuse not to "swap money" in honor of the guy who kicked over the tax tables in the temple. Just sayin'.

So, remember to try to understand that Drunk Uncle is just one of those characters in the story of you own personal history. I've had a couple myself. Put those deviled eggs back in the 'frig promptly. Eat slowly, savoring the moment with the folks who are at the table. And for the love of Big Ernie, be thankful for the bounty du jour, whatever it may be.


Monday, November 19, 2012

and for my next trick....

Well, I should have known there would be some sort of little bump in the road to Thanksgiving dinner. After we went to the grocery and got it all ready and grouped by dish, the last little dribble of propane gave out on the oven so, um. On to plan B. One of us will cook cornbread and boil eggs at mom's tomorrow and throw the rest of the dishes together that morning to cook in HER oven. We've been here before, and being able to cook is something I miss more than the warmth. We can make do with heaters but the microwave presents very limited menu options, ya know?

Faith is not well still so we drew her blood to see if the infection is better. Her count was near normal, but something's not right. She wandered around in the yard yesterday like it was the first time she had ever seen it....moving slowly and looking down. She sleeps constantly except for the occasional nibble or trip outside. BG said she was so weak she fell down the stairs on the way to get her blood drawn. Our good friend and former vet tech does that as a favor from one animal lover to another. I can draw it all day long from people, but don't have a clue about canine venipuncture. Sometimes, I wish I had never seen Marley and Me.

I never thought I would say this, but I'd rather hear coverage of Mitt Romney's colonoscopy than more about all the top military brass getting their collective wild thing on. That type of media coverage screams National Enquirer and diverts attention from our real problems such as the "fiscal cliff" whatever the hell that is. Ditto for the troubles over there in Gaza. NOT OUR PROBLEM. Damn..what is it about the US government that just begs to be a part of every war ever fought. Oh wait, duh. It's all about the money.

I love Thanksgiving more than any other holiday ever because it's all about good food and fellowship without a lot of distraction from just breaking bread together. BG is part of a group that will be serving up to the masses on Friday even though we have no workable oven. Let's all pray and be specific about that one. I'm figuring you can surely buy some kind of propane tank to run an oven. We shall see.

Happy Monday ya'll. It was a booger from the time my feet hit the floor so it's bye bye time. Keep the faith ^j^

Sunday, November 18, 2012

a mission of thanks

I'm off this weekend so it was load 'em all up and eat eggs and doughnuts day at the usual spot. BG joined us which is a huge help and we did daddy's birthday shopping for mom before dropping them off at home and going back to the store for Thanksgiving dinner groceries and her prescription. We'll be cooking like demons when I get off on Wednesday, all for a meal that will last about 30 minutes tops. But still, there are some traditions that must be carried on. Mom is all bummed because we're taking care of the food prep (like she could if she wanted to) but I've convinced her to let us do the work while she just supervises from her perch on the chair. We passed more than one house lit up for Christmas today and I thought about pulling the old fake tree out of the corner, but not yet. I'm still hoping for a cut one.

Of my entire 57 year life, this has been one of the toughest ones to date both financially and emotionally. Physically, I'm in better shape because I've been in years, pushing myself up and down steps to haul stuff out for sorting. Paying attention to a healthy diet is not always easy on limited funds but we try. We made an executive decision to eliminate dessert for T'giving because nobody ever has room for it anyways. A little chocolate bar will do just as well.

It is unseasonably warm which I'm loving to pieces because it gets mighty cold up here on the hill when the northwest winds blows . I remember one very extreme winter when the temps were below freezing for about two weeks and my hubby forgot to keep the faucets dripping. We had no water for a week! Everyone has some sort of point where you just say to hell with it..I'm living my life for me. It's a gift and I'll be damned if I'm going to waste it on people who don't care. I feel so badly for those who were affected by Sandy and Katrina because we've had similar experiences here in Tennessee. It's all according to where you call home. I think I will always cherish this last chance at pulling together the history of our farm. Never have owned it, but always tried to defend and record like a good historian. Some day somebody's grandkids might want to know.

There aren't many leaves left but the ones that are seem to be on fire with color. Ya'll excuse me while I wander around a bit with the Count's Leica. Eternal thanks to my "precious" friend for making sure I got it back ^j^


Saturday, November 17, 2012

lawbreakers and whatnot

A couple of weeks ago when the leaves were at peak color I wandered over toward the edge of the slough that runs around a large number of acres, a little waterway that meanders from the Forked Deer river which also surrounds us. It's an amazing nature reserve type of place to live and play and I feel so fortunate to have grown up knowing the peace that comes with the sights and sounds of nature. We are tucked away on a little private drive that is seldom traveled except by us or public service like the mailman or school bus. When I noticed the county car go cruising by my house this morning I sighed in relief as he passed my house, grateful that I wasn't getting some sort of judgement delivered. He went across the road and met for awhile with the farmer who had come with his four wheeler to check things out. Some asshat STOLE his boat as it turns out. Just a little fishing boat but still..gah. When the deputy came to my house to inquire about any strange vehicles and such, I spent quite a while telling him how we need more patrols because the city has us on the golf course side but over here? We're protected by the county law. Last year's pecan crop brought out every crackhead and drunk that could make their way out here so we posted the lane this year and haven't had the traffic except for those who are invited. I proceeded to tell him how my elderly parents are in the hood as well and they need an occasional look-see now and then. Not to mention, our mayor!!

Faith is still doing well and sleeping like the old lady that she is. The new cat is being brought in for visits when Lily is outside, and "new cat" will remain out there for her own safety. Just saying. Four dogs and one jealous calico bitch is nothing for a sweet little kitty to deal with. She's better off in the tree. I've been doing piddly little necessities like cleaning out e-mail and trying to get some organization up in the chaos that is my life. I ran into an old friend and fellow photographer yesterday and complimented her on the work that she's putting out there. I almost cried when she told me that I was her inspiration. Little old me with a Kodak digital all those years :) We're going to brainstorm about how to market our stuff along with a few other local artists. We shall see. My friend Drew is waiting on a "coffee table book" from me which I really don't see happening but you never know. Mama just asks that I get ANY book in print before she passes over to glory.

I don't know about ya'll, but I'm ready for some turkey and dressing. We'll shop for ingredients after church tomorrow and run some other errands as well. Daddy wants to surprise mom on her birthday with a bag if truffles and a card. FUNNY card, he said. With sound!!! She's had a rough 78th year so here's to 79 being much more peaceful mom.


Thursday, November 15, 2012

light in the tunnel

My life is a study in looking ahead and believing that things are "gonna all be okay." I'm not Pollyannaish enough to think that it all will be by any means, but as they say...shit happens. And it usually rolls downhill. I've been a single gal for 11 years now, dating some now and then who were fine until I saw their nasty inner souls. Whenever a man goes ballistic over money, you can bet he's an asshole about everything else too. The first few years it was just me and BG living her and then her friend moved in following some, shall we say, unfortunate circumstances making it necessary for him to bring everything he ever freakin' owned into my three level house and proceed to fill it full. I had just gotten the basement clean, too. It stayed there for about six years until I had a hissy fit and started burning. That's about the time they moved out together for a *brief* period. And left his past in the basement and hers in the attic.

Since working for corporate American isn't looking like such a promising deal for me and mine, I'm exploring other ways to make a buck here and there. I know that my skills are exceptional and have a loose idea of what I would like to present but, and there's ALWAYS that but. This is the second November that I've spent without propane and if "they" are right, the global warming deal won't apply during winter 12-13 except for more extremes in cold wet stuff. That's when it comes in handy to have four dogs in the bed. I'm inheriting a bedroom suit from a friend soon so I can rent out the office if I have to. AFTER I get through with the saleapalooza of this century. That stinky thinking crept back into my mind this afternoon when I checked my online balance and saw a red number with a week 'til payday. I'm trying to learn to live on cash only, which may seem like a small thing to some people but I'm caught up in it to the point that my fees have put some president's kid through college. Or at least paid for their beer!

My intent is to use the bank as a depository for my income to be withdrawn as needed and not float paper. It's not only annoying as hell, it's stressful to boot. Back in the day we got real paper checks and the local drive through banks would work their asses off on Thursday and Friday afternoons. Now it's all direct deposit. I intend to recycle a lot of what I have creating something new as I discover something old. So much of my life has been spent chasing things, and the money to buy those things with. It was the American dream, and still could be if we tried really really hard.

Whaddya think?

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

once more with feeling

How about that state spirit huh? Damn near all of 'em have filed petitions to back out and do their own thing only they don't really know where the funding will come from but that's okay. Tack it onto the federal bill that keeps growing with every disaster that hits us. The Red Cross is a joke...a highly complex organization with benevolent intentions but poor judgement on the blood donation front. For profit centers are not much better. God bless the one in Memphis trying to support all that transplant surgery. Meanwhile the two biggies have new visions for generations of healthcare to come in metro Shelby. They are where I was trained as a lab tech, during the time when Forrest Park was too scary to walk your dog in. Mostly I just tried to keep from jumping out the window of my dorm. It was an 8 ft box with a bed and very little room for anything except books and a mirror. Shared bathroom was down the hall, ditto for laundry. I was on a really high up floor like the tenth or something and one of my classmates, a fellow Methodist, lived on the same floor.

We've been with the pathologists from a Memphis group since like, forever. They are usually about twenty of 'em at any given time, spreading their talents around to generate income do no harm. When I first began working at Parkview Hospital in August 1977 Dr. Inclan was 'da man and we all smoked on the bench. As my mama would say "how niiiice". We had parties together and celebrated our differences while embracing what we had in common which was work. The most infamous member of that bunch was in on the autopsy of Elvis..I kid ya'll not. I only talk politics with a couple of Republicans who like to push my buttons and watch me squirm unless Sue is there to give a girl some help. Fortunately, she's been blessed by a trip to the Holy Land and didn't get car bombed or anything so it's all good. She brought a couple of her grands a belly dancing costume and they're loving every minute of it. That's what life is all about.

We've discovered one cabbage patch doll, one koolaid kid, one teddy ruxpin (no batteries) and a whole shitload of china and crystal that has rarely been used. There are several rookie cards for stars like Barry Bonds, Pete Rose and Ozzie. Oh..and the wedding china of course. What cost a small fortune when I got married as a southern girl with her share of privilege in 1979 is now going up for sale because I normally eat standing up or in the car. My frame partner showed me a pic of a prototype for 8x10 photo display that looks awesome. I've still got wood but we might have to borrow a few from out back. We've got CDs that run from Tim McGraw to Adele but I couldn't tell you where a one of them is. And I'm okay with that.


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

tales of an attic picker

I'm getting in better shape these days just from running up and down steps with boxes of this'n'that to sort through. At this point in time, Big Ernie needs to intervene in a big way of else I'm screwed and ya'll can come see me in the county jail with the meth heads. A whole bunch of states have filed...on the day AFTER Veteran's day to secede. Alrighty, then. Isn't this what we're looking at as reality? The federal government is freakin' HUGE and nobody can agree on anything but they want to keep "their" job with all the perks. And you know what? I feel their pain because Tennessee is one armpit of a state when it comes to distributing wealth and power equally. I reckon all states are that way though. I am especially dismayed at the way our military leaders are being thrown under the bus over the pretense of abuse of power or security breaches. I watched and read via Michael Yon Online as the general guided our soldiers during what was one of the toughest times ever for the American military. Just imagine what that kind of talent can do at home on border patrol. See, nobody ever takes my logic seriously. But then again, I'm a conspiracy theorist by nature.

I'm looking through the years worth of collectibles that my mama gifted us with just because it made her smile. Most are either signed and or dated and limited edition. Most of what I have left in the attic is old school papers and a suitcase. Better move that on down soon since it appears I'm gonna be homeless! We're down to a manageable inventory that is a mixture of shabby yet funky rural living. I've been really hungry for cornbread lately and I can't explain it other than I haven't cooked a really good meal in I can't tell you when. It's so easy when you're tired to just eat peanut butter on bread and call it a day. I found the cabbage patch doll and BG has the birth certificate but, no box...just our luck! There's also a box of all occasion trolls because we both loved 'em as kids. Trolls make a statement, ya know?

I am tired of the naysayers and the doomsdayers and all the other people who are predicting the end time this year because know why. The truth of the matter is this. We have a chance to save the earth and more and more people are doing something about it. I honestly DO believe that the big storms that have hit lately are warnings of the weak links in our infrastructure. When you build on a bog, it's gonna get ugly. Hopefully developers who have gobbled up shoreline properties will have to pay out the ass to the survivors of Sandy and will rebuild with an eye on safe coastal living. Yeah, right.

The new katty kaaty went away which is a blessing, thank you very much Big E. She was beautiful but I've been to the rodeo a few times with girl kitties. MUCHO kittens. At one time we were feral around here until a friend took them to the river dairy barn to drink milk all day long and be happy. I'm talkin' crazy cat lady and it wasn't pretty. The moral to that story? Get your animal spayed or neutered while young and claim them as your own forever. I wish that I hadn't waited so long to get Faith out of her bi-yearly misery.

Ya'll be careful out there ~ Hill Street Blues

Monday, November 12, 2012

patriotic memories

When I was a child I was, of course, a Girl Scout and busy doing all the things they do like having meetings, doing projects, selling cookies and marching in parades. Yep..we actually got OUT of school, carried by a big yellow bus to the Piggly Wiggly parking lot where we got rounded up by our fearless leaders and placed in formation, each of us with a little flag to wave as we marched through town. There were bands from several schools and a rousing speech by whomever was mayor at the time. Small town America at its' finest ya'll. I cruised through the side streets and caught a glimpse of that very same parade fifty years later and couldn't help but reflect on the changes around that very court square.

Okay, so here's the deal right wingers. There was an election and the incumbent won, and ya'll helped him win by putting up a candidate with jelly for brains. You also shot your collective selves in the foot by tromping on women's rights like nobody's business and then proceeded to convince Latinos and gays that they're all going straight to hell in a handbasket. That will get you Texas, but that's about it. It's over people. President Obama is in office and all the problems that were there prior to the election are STILL there and even more urgent. Wouldn't it just be nifty if everybody in Congress decided to think about all of us poor working schmucks and not about themselves and party lines?? As my brother says "If ifs and buts were chips and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas" Oh. And the pot props? That's only the beginning of Occupy MJ you knuckle draggers. As far as I know Coulter hasn't died yet of disappointment and grief so there's that for you to look forward to plus the Malkin chick for those of you with a more fiery personality. It ain't ever over, ya know?

My mood is what my mama likes to call "sprunty". That means I've had a good hard sleep like a zombie and have my running done with a day and a half left to burn doing whatever I feel like. At the moment that includes listening to Zac Brown and getting off on the last of this fall's colors. It rained like a mofo all night and the dogs are covered in mud...and all piled up on my bed. No need in cleaning it until bedtime...that's how I roll.


Sunday, November 11, 2012

long may she wave

My father is an Air Force veteran from the Korean conflict, a duty that he took on willingly right in the middle of college when duty called, returning to earn a degree in agriculture after his tour. If you can believe this (and why not?) I wore his heavy wool navy overcoat to a Led Zeppelin concert BAREFOOT in my hippie days. I'm sure he never got over that or the fact that I went to Memphis State for a year. At least my degree is from UT! He has always been patriotic to a fault, knowing firsthand what it's like to be far from home and scared to death. Not many of his old AF buddies are alive, but now and then he hears from one. When I heard on TV today that this is the first Veteran's day ever without a living WWI vet to march, I cried because of the passage of time and the fact that we still have not learned that nothing is worth the sacrifice of the lives of our troops. Nothing but freedom, and the way I see it all we need freedom from right now is oil. Let China have it. I've noticed the last few times that I pulled in the driveway at the homestead that Daddy's flag is getting ever more tattered by the day. The pole got blown over and cut off and the old stars and stripes like like they've been carried by some soldier on a horse into the heat of battle. Fear not dad...Christmas is coming!

I had a weekend at the sawmill that wasn't bad and gave me an opportunity to get caught up on continuing education which is required to carry a health occupations license in our state. Plus we pay the licensing board a fee for the privilege of working. As states go, ours is one of the more prepared for the Affordable Care Act what with our experience of having learned about TennCare the hard way. The opportunity for corruption with this type of brokering or "exchange" if you will, is that there is money to be made and often political favors end up being the death of a program that should have worked except for the greed of some who cater to pillheads for a buck. When they don't get what they want? Guess where they go.

I'm ready for more than one day off and it just so happens that it's the eve of that happening. zzzzzzzzzzzzz and all that! Faith is still doing much better, thank you sweet Big Ernie because really? I just couldn't deal with losing her right now. Not enough Xanax in the world dude.

Keep the faith ^j^

Saturday, November 10, 2012

all things considered

We are still in awe that Faith is up and moving around considering she damn near died last week from a raging infection. She's still on antibiotics and feeling her oats with lots of steroids so it's good for the moment. If may take that for the rest of her life and if it does, so be it. They're cheap. It's like heaven hearing her slow clicking gait on the wood. It's time to take the catheter our of her paw so it's a good thing I'm kinda used to that stuff. The day before Butterbean was put to sleep Cassie Rae met us out front in the car and stuck her paw like a champ. Her labs were all normal, but her back was fractured. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do because she wasn't in pain or suffering...still just looking at me all like Butters. You may recall that we RAN OVER SammyD on the way to have her put to sleep so I had to stay home looking for him while she went on alone. We got her buried that night about nineish, complete with new pink collar and Eva Cassidy on the CD player, our job at hand backlit by the front beams of the ancient Camry.

My daddy has always had dogs but he's one of those "they don't come in the house" kinda dudes who wants to put 'em in a pen and play when he's in the mood. That's why so many of his have had tragic endings to their canine lives. A dog that is always confined will always bolt when given the chance. Heck, I would too! It's so funny watching the second generation of Faith sleeping next to her, mother and daughter enjoying each others' quiet company. They nuzzle and sigh and generally love every minute of it.

It's Indian summer here, with a cold front in line to move through shortly. For the first time in my life, I'm not looking forward to cold weather because we got lucky last winter with the little bit of propane there was. Usually the cold invigorates my hot natured self and the breathing is soooooooo much easier in winter when allergens are not so pungent. My mowable yard will be reduced by a few hundred feet to move the crops up closer but that's okay because what used to be a joy (mowing) is now a chore. I'm thinking we'll keep going until it's a zero lot line kind of deal. There is one old house yet to come down, waiting for us to finish removing our family's history before it's bulldozed. We call it the Bizzle house, a place I've spent many an afternoon digging up buttercups or crawling through the ancient rooms looking at history.

Mama'n'them are doing alright I reckon, on their own for the weekend while I'm at the sawmill. Daddy, bless his heart, tries to keep his nose all up in mom's meds worrying that she'll have some for the "nighttime" when he gets ready to call it a day. He doesn't even open the little windows to see if there is some there...just sees some empty ones and gives me a friendly reminder. And he always says thank you! He's got his rides all lined up for tomorrow which usually starts a week in advance. Her trip got cancelled because one of the elderly drivers on that mission ended up in the hospital which kind of is a relief..I mean, I'm sorry she's sick but it just didn't sound too safe to this old gal. Blessing in disguise, if you know what I mean.

My brother gave me a book one time called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" knowing that like him, I'm a deep thinker and tend to go off on a woe is me tangent when what I need to do is shut up, trust Big Ernie and let go of the whole deal. The future is not within my power to control, only the present moment. That sure is a good feeling to have when one is used to running the whole world ;)

Love ya....mean it ^j^

Friday, November 9, 2012

great expectations

I had a solid lesson in how to somewhat recognize the value of a baseball card today when I drove south to visit Mr. Big and learn at the feet of the master. Barkley kept us company at the dining table, bless his heart. Later on, me and the Little General moved a table off the patio for the winter and I was on my merry way to the loan sharks the bank. Seeing as how I have about ten thousand more and each one must be a quarter at LEAST, I'm officially in the biz. Most of them are from the eighties and early nineties before football took over as our national sport. I don't care who you are, you can't beat a good baseball game. The American pastime, before bitching about politics replaced it. It still freakin' amazes me at the number of folks who won't give it up and let the President do his job. Wah.Wah.Wah. I heard that the Coulter chick is on heavy drugs now that it's all over. Could just be a rumor on Fox though.

The prize of today's picking was finding the signed reprint of a local's card..Mr. Ed Wright. He owned a service station that was across the street from my grandaddy's store and the Baird Brewer hospital. Oh, and of course First United Methodist on the corner of Main and McGaughey. It will go in the mail to his daughter or granddaughter. Roberts' Chevrolet was there as well, with the Silver Castle wedged into a little hole in the wall as a diner where my mother and her sister worked. The high school was close and the kids centered their lives around College Hill. But that? Was in the fifties. I spent one year at that ancient high school, the one that my parents graduated from, and then they built a new on on the super dooper highway that by-passes the entire 'burg. There was an ancient basketball court where I attended many games and couldn't tell you for nothin' who was on the court except for the cheerleaders.

As far as I know the world hasn't ended yet because of Obama being back in office. If the price of gas is any indication of how the economy intends to proceed, I'll buy into that. Otherwise, don't bother me. I'm interested to see how much of a tax refund I get in February considering how I'm all middle class and maxed out from the support of a huge federal government. Take the FDA for instance. Do not tell me that an organization that large and that well funded couldn't stop something like what happened with the pharm compounding facility that is responsible for multiple deaths. But NOOOOOOOO...they're too busy inspecting chicken slaughterhouses and whatnot. Our priorities are in a seriously bad position. The bright spot of the whole deal is that I'm moving more into survivalist mentality because honestly I don't trust the feds or anybody else to watch my back. I got a decent raise this year for the first time in forever and also received an increase in insurance premiums. Go figure Wall Street.

So, the weekend is devoted to the sawmill and I'm good with that as long as I get paid. You can bet your sweet ass when that check stops, I'm outta there. Maybe by then we'll have another round of unemployment benefits to help me along until retirement age. ^j^

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

end of the world

I've heard rumors that many of this country's larger employers who suck the life out of underpaid folks with limited insurance options, will have to lay off some folks in order to insure the others. This has been a recurrent theme throughout the campaign of terror on Obamacare and I'm sick of hearing it because it's a big FAT excuse. I saw more than one sad face today, visions of the apocalypse dancing in their heads because Mittens got roundly tromped and the voice of America got heard for a change. We are an ethnic nation by nature, and nothing turns off the hard working guy or gal humpin' it for a living than corporate greed. Truth be told, the only reason I've held onto my job as long as I have is for affordable healthcare. Otherwise I'd be out there doing some non-profit feely touchy sort of thing that makes me happy. Thanks to yesterday's election, I now have a destination for retirement as well. Hopefully I'll live long enough to see the feds do something smart with the whole pot thing. I mean really? If somebody doesn't get a'hold of this thing, Nancy Botwin's adventures are gonna look like kindergarten. Those guys don't play.

I think the sun has been out a total of two hours during the last five days which makes for quite the seasonal affective disorder flare. Most all leaves are past peak now, the pin oaks holding out 'til last like they always do. Mom and I have consulted on the turkey day menu which will include a deep fried bird compliments of my brother. BG,Mom,Ms.Faye and myself will do the rest while Daddy watches Bonanza reruns. Sounds just like a Norman Rockwell pic, I know. We always eat Thanksgiving dinner on the antique stoneware featuring little farm people, the entire set of which is promised to a certain lucky guy along with the ice box that holds 'em. There are other pieces as well, vintage MamaStaff and her penchant for entertaining. I told her once that I was amazed at how special she could make an occasion and that I wished I could do that as well. Maybe someday (if I ever get the house clean) that will happen.

My Big friend who is married to the Little General is an avid sports fan having been called "coach" by many over the years all the while teaching them English and how to be a smartass. Heh. He has agreed to go through the massive baseball card collection and buy what he wants , then teach me what to do with the rest. Deal, dude. I know they are worth something but I don't have the skillz. There are no pecans to sell this year, to speak of so that's out. I know for sure there are some collectibles left in the attic which will be routinely sorted through. If ya'll see something burning on any given still evening, check to see if I've been up there chunking again.

Peace out ^j^

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

ding dong the pile is gone

About four years ago my brother hired a contractor to do a whole bunch of dirt work including digging out my ancient driveway (because it's cheaper than asphalt, I suppose.) Besides I do so love the wildflowers growing in the strip of grass that runs down the middle and the and the huge ruts that caused my muffler to sound like somebody from the hood trying to make a statement. Really...I'm just trying to get to work and back ya'll. When the guy got done there was a huge pile of gravel and dirt left in my yard next to the road right before you get to our mailbox. It has given us great crops of poke and other assorted weeds for several summers now. One time I got so sick of it I pulled all the dead shit out by hand. The dogs love climbing it and looking out at whatever critters are running around. This is squirrel heaven out here because of all the nuts. They don't care if they're high grade or not!

Faith is back at the doggie hospital with a post-op infection from her big ordeal last week. Ever since she took the last antibiotic, she's been slipping backwards so we took her in today after two days of no eating and barely gettin' around. She's doing an overnight visit with fluids and meds to try to kick that nasty infection in the ass. Having puppies at the age of 9 was probably not the best thing for her health but it happened and we have a big old jug headed puppy to show for that labor of love. The vet and I sat in the floor with her because she was way too sick to get on the table. I talked to her and told her how pretty she is, and I would know because I'm her grandma and grannies are never the least bit prejudiced. BG and I went out to pick her up from a ditch in my friend's back yard after she and her mama ran away from the crackheads across the road.

As we were topping the hill by the dairy barn this afternoon I noticed some big yellow equipment in my yard and the damn pile was halfway gone! Progress takes time, I reckon. It's amazing how much better the view is without that mound of dirt sitting there lookin' like that. I am thankful for that today, as well as the fact that I voted in spirit because I didn't have the gas or the energy to make it to Fowlkes. Somehow, I know Big E understands how much an old girl can do. One of my personal heroes is Elisabeth Kubler Ross, the famous "death and dying" educator from back in the day. This lady established a hospice for AIDS victims in the mountains of Virginia during the times when it was not really understood and very under-treated. Never underestimate the power of a virus or a strong willed woman on a mission. The book? Circle of Life.

Happy "it's all over but the crying" eve ya'll. I'll keep trying no matter who wins ^j^

Monday, November 5, 2012


Nothing makes me want to give it up and cuddle with the dogs more than a 4:30 sunset. From now until late February opportunities to be outside without freezing will be sparse. Plus there's those little black clouds that float around over everybody. I heard a pundit declare today that no matter who wins the election we're in big trouble because half of the country voted against both of 'em. More bi-partisan bullshit. I'm done with it. I no longer believe that the government of which I am a citizen listens to little people. There are times when caution is due, particularly when distributing entitlements. But not with monies that have already been paid by retired elders who are counting on it to live as if they were still (kindasorta) working. My parents are very fortunate. They don't have much invested, but they've sure got a sweet deal that they earned the hard way.

Due to the one vehicle thing I haven't made it to the creditors yet but that's on the agenda for my Friday off. I hate crying, and every time I have to explain that I'm not really a deadbeat...I'm just having a hard time like most folks, they glare at me. That's the mark of a good office manager. Have no sympathy because it's your job to get the boss's nickel back so he or she can buy a new car or send a kid to Harvard. I'm absolutely sick of rich people getting richer and doing nothing to help those less fortunate. I'm not just talking myself ya'll, in case it sounds like a pity party coming on. Those pitiful Sandy survivors are going through something that nobody of our era has seen. I applaud the mayor for gracefully offering the runners an opportunity to help the city that has hosted them forever. Nice move.

The two front rooms are pretty much in piles waiting to be sorted through. It's about time to throw some old blankets over the doors to keep the heat towards the back of the house. I had my eye all set on this primo forty dollar heater at Lowe's before finances on Pecan Lane collapsed again. I can't ever say I haven't lived on the edge. I think the reason I feel such a kinship to Staten Island and all the others who are swamped because of the storms that I've survived here on top of the hill. Two floods in a row. Multiple tornado near misses. One of the reasons my 11 year old trusty old Camry is rusty is driving through all that muddy water!! I remember talking to some dimwit ATT operator about internet access telling her it was my only link to the real world! Yeah, I'm a little bit drama mixed in with a helluva' lot of good intentions.

Sunday, November 4, 2012


My brother thought I made the same hourly wage as him and was quite shocked that I manage to remain in the hole at my rate of pay. He works two jobs to make what I get for one. I am thankful for the fact that my wage is quite "lower middle class" in a one step from the poorhouse way. With taxes and insurance and whatnot plus a loan payment there's a decent amount left to live on if I did not owe so many people so much. That's why I'm looking forward to some time with pencil and paper to present my side of what can reasonably be expected. I do know that twenty bucks of that raise I got will go to health insurance with a rising co-pay to boot. And I work there! But hey...things could always be worse.

I have dodged responsibility for years on the financial aspects of living an honorable life. That is why I'm in a spot where something's gotta give. TV will be gone soon, for reals this time. Blankets are going up over door openings to keep in the heat. It's something that a lot of people take for granted, and something I should probably be grateful for by having had 24 years here. Last time I checked I had paid something close to 100K in rent plus those hellish utility bills. I'm smart enough to know when I'm beat. I've been hauling baseball cards out of the attic to see if there's anthing worth a buck and found two unopened Charles Conlon sets just sitting there looking all collectible. My ex did have an addiction to the things.

Daddy gets all freaked out over clocks and being on time so it was a disaster in the making when DST ended last night. He started at 7:30 moving all the clocks around and did something wrong, obviously. When my brother showed up for the run to church, Mom was still sitting in her jammies trying to wake up and it was fifteen 'til eight. Needless to say she didn't make it for services. Afterwards at the doughnut place all their SS class streamed in and sat at a never ending table cheering us on. BG had some pancakes and I was full as a tick with leftovers. He could not WAIT to get home and get the time correct. I can tell the difference in the slanting light and shadows was apparent when I woke up at 6AM to morning light. Of course I did go to bed at 7:30. Don't you wish you were me? Even my mama said she thought that was a little extreme.

My old friend T came by today with her camera to take some shots for a competition on this lane I call home. She had a daughter the same age as BG who died at a young age from leukemia. We were young hippie mothers together as were our husbands. That was a LONG time ago, ya'll. It's about to get leafless on the lane, with pecans and maples already dropping and everything else not far behind. The crop is beyond pitiful here but I hear it's great in other spots of this county and the surrounding ones.

Right now I'm like the little girl who was all hysterical because she wants the election to be over so she can watch cartoons. And at this point in time, I can think of nothing worst than a Romney presidency for a country that is struggling like us to make it as Americans in defiance NAFTA, Lest we forget, his company is the one who outsourced our jobs to other countries. Just sayin'. The basic premise of what I believe this country needs is a big dose of bi-partisanship where collective party idiots get their heads out of their asses and do the right thing for their constituents without regard to church and state.

I'm watching the northwestern states for their props on green and the legality of it. That could possibly be my destination for retirement since I can almost see Russia from there. This is the first afternoon I've had alone in forever and it's nice. I do so love some me time. Listening to "happy shit" music on rotation. Keeping the faith ^j^

Saturday, November 3, 2012

blowin' in the wind

As you may recall, I pitched every damned one of my college textbooks out the attic window to the spot

where they've been by the porch ever since. Yesterday was warmish and the weekend eve so I started a couple of small fires, one of them containing the books. It didn't burn well because they were stacked on top of each other with not much air. Anywho, it went out (or so I thought) last night and all was well. The one out in the middle of the yard was just a few sticks and a box or two. After a twelve hour nap, I got ready and took my mama shopping. We returned a very expensive walker basket to the distributor who was quite rude to her on the phone. It will cost almost as much to ship by UPS and pay their return fee as the item cost. Gotta love it. After we got that done and I caught up with an old friend who works there, we headed to JCPenney for some jammies. By this time the wind has picked up quite a bit and Mom's hair was standing ever which'a'way as I let her out on the curb. We wandered and looked and felt and disagreed on sizes ending up with three sets of PJs and two pair of slippers. Just what a girl needs for a long winter's nap.

She bought me lunch and a new bra and socks which I badly needed and we headed for our last stop to get chicken salad and fruit cups from her favorite cafe. "Fruit cups come with a sandwich, so I'll have to call the manager to find out a price." Hmm...okay. "Sorry, no chicken salad!" Aw man REALLY?? We settled on roast beef and swiss on a croissant and hit the road to home. As I was unloading the car at her house my phone rang and it was BG letting me know the freakin' yard was on fire. My entire front yard, including the perennial bed, is black with ash. AO was stomping out the last edges of it in his drawers when I drove up. Such is my life, ya'll.

I'm noticing a lot of thanksgiving going on right now which is what the season is about...gratitude for the blessings however they are packaged. Compassion for those who have so much less and have suffered that much more. One of the hardest things for me to do in therapy was to learn the art of gratitude because I was young and always into the details of all that comes with raising a child. I was exhausted mentally and grasping for something to get me through a very dark time. I cried every day for over a year. I took PMS vitamins. I got a divorce, twice. It never ceases to amaze me when I hear people's stories and remember when that would have been just a passing detail back in the day. Now, they are a collection of who I am and how we have been at the same place and time. I like to think of it as an unbroken circle, but then I'm kinda' mystic sometimes.


Friday, November 2, 2012

to run or not to run

As if there's nothing more important to argue about, now there's a smackdown going on over the NYC marathon being run during a time when resources should probably, in all honesty, be going to help the people who still have no food or power and are stuck on the second floor somewhere waiting for a hero in a motorboat. The mayor of NYC is looking at the money that will be made and or generated from having all those out of towners using the upscale facilities for food and lodging. Never mind how much of the vital public service sector will be on duty to escort that group rather than pick people up and take 'em to the hospital or for a hot meal. The show that is New York City must go on. Fortunately, I don't have a dog in that fight. All of mine are right here on the lane enjoying their cushy lives.

As most of ya'll know I'm way beyond being over my head and have bill collectors coming from ever which'a'way so I'm about ready to get on a budget and try to get this shit straight. That will require some sacrifice on my part which I don't look forward to. My plan includes face to face meetings with all of the unsecured holders of debt to discuss my current state of affairs and work out payment arrangements that won't keep me from eating except at work where I can scan my badge. Word to the wise: a piece of fried bologna is cheaper than bacon or sausage. Boiled eggs fill up you. So does cheese.

Daddy called today with an alert that mom didn't have any pills for tonight but really she did. He just wanted me to get 'er done so that he could cross it off his eternal schedule and lock up. We're taking Mom shopping tomorrow for something new for her girl trip..jammies and whatnot. We got three bags of candy last week but will probably have to get some more because the old man likes his chocolate. I wish i could be a fly on the wall there in the lodge at Pickwick.

Believe it or not, I'm actually asking for hours at work which is kinda not my character but a necessity. No OT, by any means...just a full check. Most of my co-workers have big fat retirement accounts and husbands with the same so I'm pretty much just paying out the ass to work there and live here. My body won't hold out much longer. I realized long ago how corporate will throw you under the bus meaning that the more you do the more they expect. I was looking at somebody's employment stats today and marveling at how much one can make being a software developer or nurse. Reckon I should have taken a different life path.


Thursday, November 1, 2012

you don't scare me

We rarely get trick or treaters this far off the beaten path so I was startled when the neighbor family came around all dressed up like aliens looking for candy. Of which we had none, by the way. Or bread or milk or anything to eat either. Seems as if we're constantly running to and fro and not getting much of anywhere except more tired. There are duties to be tended to, jobs to show up for and meetings and whatnot. There's always something up with the grands or the farmers or the horse. His good friend and her mama came by today to see both Pride and her plow boy in the waning rays of autumn on the lane. Everybody wants pecans and there's nothing...nada. We have two signs warning folks to not wander up in here and a pretty good sized enforcer as part of the household so I feel safe.

I've had one of those days. You know the kind where it all just seems too much so your mind wanders and you try to figure out what the hell to do to keep the boat floating? Yeah, that kind. Not nearly as miserable as those who were in the path of Sandy though. It is routine now for me to rob Peter to pay Paul. In this day and time one professional career isn't enough to keep an aging working gal in her comfort zone. And that is just sad ya'll. But it happens every day. If this storm didn't prove that big government can't be depended on I don't know what will. And what about the victims pissed off over the Red Cross response? Um hmm. I never did trust big government. Teach a man to fish, you know? And do it here at home, not over in some remote area over which we have no control. And for God's sake, leave the blood donation thing to community centers that have fewer tiers of waste and whatnot. Just saying because it's kind of my business. I remember on 9/11 and the days after how people rushed to New York hospitals to give blood and it was fruitless because everybody was dead. Blood is only good for a little over a month so a lot of it went into the trash. There is something about a tragedy that brings us all together, even if it's dragging each other out of a flooded house over to the dry spot.

Double R my ass. I am amazed at how the current administration has handled things from the "situation room." The longest was in American history is still being manned on our dime all over some nasty ass Arab oil. We should know better. I'm not nearly as green as I should be only because I'm old and tired but really? The current generation better have both a plan B and C. And maybe D. My buddy Clint is the son of one of my old friends and we are so politically alike that he keeps me believing that good will prevail. Smart guy too. His dad is a photographer and one of the folks who have mentored me as I attempt to shoot something besides Pecan Lane. I mean, it only goes so far until the story line must change.

I'll keep ya' posted.