Tuesday, May 22, 2018

where credit is due

I go to a lot of gas station/convenience places like the chicken store.  All the girls there call me boo and treat me like family even when they're having a bad day.  I notice little things like that.  I also noticed that unlike most delivery trucks, the Coke guy had parked away from customer parking so as to not get in the way.  Coke drivers do that consistently.  I waited for him to get off the  phone and thanked him for the courteous parking.  He was tickled to death.  I guess, dear Sailor, that was my one good thing of the day.  

I ran by the cabin ( no snakes today ) and found a completely decked back porch.  Can you say "awesome!" I'm broke enough that I'm back to pimping windows.  These I've got are vintage, some even with the ropes still attached.  I spent a good two years as a picker through stuff and had a couple of successful sales.  What I have now is mostly what I will keep unless the price is right. I have enough furniture for the small house that will be my home someday.  

This house on the hill was built in 1918 and has very steep steps in both front and back.  I find myself having to take them one at a time instead of skipping down like I used to.  It's not fun hauling groceries in either.  Even though I could have easily bought a house for what I've paid in rent, I wouldn't change any of it.  I am at home and my child grew up here like me. You can't take those memories away.

The next right thing.....always do it.  

Monday, May 21, 2018

on being strong

I learned to be co-dependent at an early age as most people do.  I was a child of a prominent family in our community and the rebel of the litter.  I want to "fix" things and make them right.  It took two years of therapy for me to separate from that identity yet I still have spells where I lapse into ruler of the world.  I give a lot and expect nothing in return.  

As a result of that, I find myself with very little emotional support as a result.  I have tons of friends with their own issues who don't necessarily have it in them to lift me up.  That can be a really lonely feeling.  When it's time for a breakdown, there's nobody there to listen.  Which is why I'm headed back to therapy.

The changes in my life during the past year have been major with becoming a grandmother and a retiree.  I'm often lost in space and trying to figure out who I am now.  Not.a.clue.  I know who I am politically and morally.  Nothing will change my mind on the concept of diversity and the value of peace and meeting in the middle yet I feel powerless to make a difference.  There's too much bullshit involved with our ability to make good things happen.

This is not a pity party by any means.  Just a small meltdown.  I will keep the faith and never stop believing that God is good.  All the time ^j^

pinching pennies

I am now to the point where I'm having to maneuver things around to get payments made with the majority of the money available the 2nd Wednesday of the month.  Costs keep rising on everything, especially gas and food.  That's pretty much why I eat off the budget menu at Sonic.  A trip to Kroger costs 100 minimum and my refrigerator looks like a bachelor's pad.  Until my benefits ran out at the sawmill, I was pretty much set for awhile but that's gone.  At some point I may have to go back to work doing something, and I'm not sure what.  Going on faith here.  

Living single is tough without the other half of the rent and I've done it for a long time.  There are times when I think I should have just stuck out the marriage for that reason.  The things that have happened between then and now are mind boggling.  My ex died three years ago without ever getting a dime from SS.  Everything he worked and paid for over the years was free money for the government.  I could draw it but not his and mine too and it's less than mine so it's just gone.  I can't help but think that there's some geek up in a government office calculating how much can be made when people die before becoming eligible.  I'm sure there's a formula.  Actually it's just a crapshoot.  

I'm feeling sort of cynical about life today.  Like everybody else in the country I'm still in shock over the frequency of mass shootings.  I don't claim to have the answer other than to keep fighting back.  Having Oliver North as the president of the NRA is sort of like going from bad to worse.  Just because he's a veteran ( check his history ) doesn't mean he will do what's right for the American people.  Mueller is our only hope here and it won't surprise me at all if the Trump administration finds a way around it.  Please Lord.....fix this mess.  I cannot fathom losing a child, particularly to gun violence.  Kelly Clarkson tearfully asked not for a moment of silence but a moment of action on the Billboard awards.  She's a Texas girl herself.  

Considering my mood, I think it's time to listen to some Hezikiah Walker.  Over and out with prayers for peace and unity  ^j^

Sunday, May 20, 2018

out of nowhere

Lauren and I woke up early and she was ready to snuggle that baby so we packed up and headed toward Jackson.  The drive goes a lot faster when you have somebody with you, even if they are on FB the whole time.  We listened to music and didn't talk much.  This is the most time we've spent together since Reaves was born and it was nice to bond as mother and daughter.  My next job is to get the floors clean enough for a crawler.  She hauled out a box of pictures and whatnot so that made a small dent on the office piles.  

Reaves was glad to see both of us, especially her Mama.  I left them snuggling with a bottle getting ready for a nap.  She's a wild one for sure.  She can stand holding onto something and attempts to pull up but often needs help.  Both of these girls have my heart.  I suppose that's why as I turned on the lane at home the tears started running down my cheeks.  There are times when I feel grief coming back from all the losses and stresses of the past few years.  That's when I try my best to focus on ME and my spiritual well being.  

It has been three years since the string of deaths in our family began.  In January Daddy's sister died and in June Mom's sister Nancy and also Lauren's daddy.  Couple of months later was Daddy.  Then Mama five months after that.  I have one remaining aunt and a handful of cousins plus my brothers so I'm blessed in that respect.  The five years of constant running and fetching for housebound parents was grueling for us but I'm glad we we were there for them.  It's the right thing to do.

Lauren took back the framed collage of my parents that the funeral home gave us when Mama died.  She misses all of them.  Yesterday was the next to last chapter of a very long ordeal for her.  I am proud beyond words of how hard she has worked for a better life for she and the baby.  The next step is to find her an affordable vehicle so she doesn't have to get rides everywhere.  She will be like a bird out of the cage!

Due to generous rain and heat the corn children are now young teenagers and growing fast.  That will last until August.  And so it goes.....life on the farm.

Chin up ^j^

Saturday, May 19, 2018

home sweet home

I went down to the cabin this morning to check out the decking and found Bubba and the tree trimming man up on it watching a snake curl up and around the concrete cracks on the logs. He stayed still for the longest time then went on the move and we watched that too.  He headed south but then turned around and hugged the wall all the way to the kitchen door where he promptly entered and found a cool spot. Somewhere.  It's so dark in there you can't see anything so I stepped lightly as Bubba laid out the rest of "the plan" for the home we grew up in.  At one time all five of us slept upstairs there...each kid with a room and Mom and Daddy in the sitting area.  We had one bathroom for the five of us.  Harvey made some design decisions yesterday after meeting with the crew.  The crawlspace under the house had to be dug out by hand to even get to the point where they could do what they did which is jack up the foundation and create a 3 ft crawlspace sealed in.  

I don't ever remember it NOT being vinyl sided but where the windows and some walls have been removed you can clearly see the three layers of log, cedar siding and vinyl which will come down soon.  We did a room by room tour with him showing me where everything will be to maximize efficiency in the small spaces.  Steps to the front and back porches will be wide, user friendly with handrails.  I just hope I live long enough to see it all happen!  Looking more like Novemberish now.  In addition to the outside choices there is plumbing and rewiring to get done HVAC to install, etc.  

I met Lauren for lunch while she took a break from her meeting and we ate at the Bus Stop which now doesn't have brisket!  Dang man.  That was the biggest seller.  Asian salad with brisket was my go to.  I was disappointed to say the least.  The atmosphere is different without Eric.  I woke up to Lauren poking me to go get coffee because she's on Reaves time.  Mike sent her pictures of dat baby peering through the holes of the pack and play.  Looks like she's in jail...lol.  

Auntie Erica and her bunch are on a camping trip having a blast.  She gave me a sample of some body butter that, even though I'm broke, I will purchase because my skin needs something badly.  It smells like heaven.  I've been catching the highlights of the royal wedding and it appears that a good time was had by all.  I don't care who you are, it's good to see happy and smiling these days.  A little royal never hurt anybody.

I caught up on Handmaid's Tale and it just keeps getting more bizarre.  Aunt Lydia is the devil herself.  We watched a strange history of dude from The Sex Pistols this morning which was new to me and quite a disturbing story.  I wasn't into that genre if you know what I mean.

We're having daily chances of pop up showers so it's humid as the dickens.  Still, the redneck water hose is running in case we get missed today.  It's kind of taken off with all this hot weather and I have spotted squash and cucumbers.  All the herbs are thriving.  A few flowers here and there and two tomato plants is all the rest.  Low maintenance.  I think it's the fish emulsion that's helping...thanks Lorna!

My friend Carol was having a 'shroom problem with hers and found that the culprit was mulch which makes the bed too acidic.  I used organic hummus on mine ( thanks again Lorna ) and have only seen one and it's shriveling up.  It was a funny sight watching the hispanic guy tell the young 'un the other day what asparagus looks like and "do not cut".  He was much older and wiser.  

If you have a dream, don't let go of it.  As long as there is hope, anything is possible ^j^

Friday, May 18, 2018

busy busy

I was overdue for a pap smear so I rolled out of bed in time to see Dr. Joyner.  He was on call but luckily nobody was in labor so I got in and out.  The farm owner Harvey is here from Michigan and Bubba told me they would be having a morning meeting at the cabin so I headed there after my appointment.  He is a charming man with a sincere interest in the history of the farm that has been in family for 100 years.  I left the construction crew talking to he and Bubba about the project.  

By then it was time to hit 412 and get some baby loving while picking Lauren up for the trip to D'burg.  We went to get a script filled for her and headed to El!Patio!*clap* where we saw Gigi and Bear.  She wanted to go check out Flirty Birds for something to wear to dinner tonight with Anna and I wandered around looking and wanted everything in the store.  What I ended up with was an embroidered peasant shirt that is perfect for me.  One of Lauren's high school friends owns it and they jabbered about kids and life.  Perfect mother daughter day.

Another school shooting.  More rhetoric.  And everybody and their brother is back biting over gun rights.  I'm so disgusted with the whole thing I could puke.  There has to be a common sense approach to gun rights.  As I've said before, I believe that responsible gun ownership is a right guaranteed by the Constitution but so is separation of church and state and you see where that's gotten us.  Extremists on both sides of the aisle have taken up their own causes and forgotten the law as it was originally written for we the people. In order to form a more perfect union.  I'm sure they're rolling over right now.  

I've not had a day this active in a very long time and my body can tell it.  I'm passing on dinner to chillax and let the girls and Conner catch up on quality time.  

Y'all keep looking ahead ^j^

Thursday, May 17, 2018

it's not the heat....

Well it kinda' is but the humidity is the culprit.  I took my walk early so it wasn't real hot but sticky as the devil.  Then I did some tree trimming and weed pulling and decided that I'm too old for that kind of activity when it's hot.  I might have a stroke or something.  I noticed that the kudzu hill has popped out due to the hot weather so before long it will be covering the hill and crossing the road.  There are some very large heaps scattered around the county and one particular gully on a curvy two lane has one that you could drive off into and nobody would find you 'til first frost.  I always think of Gods in Alabama by Joshilyn Jackson when considering kudzu.  I have that book signed by her as well as Between, Georgia.  Good old southern girl reading.  Problem is I don't have a clue where they are.  Or anything else.  

My living room is full of piles and furniture NOT arranged until I find out whether or not I'm moving.  That's the plan, but plans change.  I don't count anything as reality until it actually happens.  Like, you know, counting chickens before they're hatched.  That never works out well.

I'm still steady stretching attempting to keep my mobility at a decent level.  I miss my time with Gay but money is tight so there ya' go.  My regimen includes daily tumeric and CBD oil for inflammation.  The only NSAID that I use is BCs.  Blood pressure is ( I'm assuming ) stabilized.  Hypothyroidism under treatment.  Allergies are horrific!  So now you know the state of my health...haha.

Ya'll be safe and happy.  And remember like your mama used to say "some day you'll look back on this and laugh."  And you know what?  She was right on.