Wednesday, August 16, 2017

fragile

I whispered the serenity prayer on my way into work this morning.  Wisdom and courage.  Serenity is not what happened but I can feel it closer now that I've had a major crying jag.  I'm cycling through the grief in fits and starts and wondering if it will ever end, knowing that it won't.  It'll just be different.  The cosmos led Lorna to the parking lot when I was getting ready to leave and she gave me hugs and stern warnings about mental health.  "What are you afraid of?" she asked.  And honestly, I don't know.  I'm not paralyzed to the point of not functioning....just lacking the ambition fo choose a different life.  As a life long well taught co-dependent, maybe I'm just afraid of serenity itself.  Of not feeling the chaos.  My boundaries are pretty loose in a lot of areas but at least I'm aware of that and focus on keeping them.  I could probably use a week with Melody Beattie!  Chronic physical pain is a factor.  Sometimes I feel like I have PTSD and I suppose we all do in some form or fashion.  

I slept with the therapy ball under my shoulder last night and the pain has moved into the upper arm area, hopefully on the way out.  I'm gonna' need that shoulder to hold the baby, you know.  Seriously, I can't just put a name to the whole thing and I suppose that's my inner control freak wanting to know "why." Sometimes it just is what it is.  

I seriously need to find my warrior woman spirit and tackle the business plan that is the rest of my life.  For that, I will need professional help because Celexa ain't working anymore.  I need a vacation.  I feel respected and loved by many people and realize that I have some mad skills that are not being used.  This is the time to explore how to use those to bring myself joy.  

The grief triggers this time were subtle but powerful....surprise lilies and autumn clematis.  My mother's favorite lamp blinking at me while I typed yesterday.  She was telling me to be happy. And basically, I am.  There is not much negativity in my personality and normally I look on the bright side and keep rolling.  Today isn't one of those days.  

There are certain things I know for a fact about my psychological makeup.  Definitely an introvert who tends to stay in the "pondering" phase too long.  Not a follower, at all.  I use my intelligence to think things through and look for solutions rather than focus on problems.  Though my loneliness is often self imposed, I find peace in it with just me myself and I.  Well, and the critters.

I hate hot weather, adore flowers and water....especially the ocean.  Music is as much of a balm as burning white sage which I need to order.  I go through it pretty quick.  The people who read this blog know how I'm feeling on any given day and reach out with likes and comments at just the right time even when I don't realize that I'm in crash and burn mode.  Right now I just feel drained from the massive release of emotional energy one.more.time.  


Leaving room for the spirit to work ~ 




Tuesday, August 15, 2017

once a methodist

Today was a bit slower at the sawmill so I was able to step out for lunch with a few friends.  We gathered at The Bus Stop as the rain fell, each of us grubbing on Asian salad covered with coffee roasted brisket.  To die for, I'm telling you.  I always drop my keys in my pocket so didn't realize until I got back to work that I had left my purse.  Patsye's phone went to voicemail so I called the restaurant and they let me talk to her about delivery. It's definitely the kind of place where they would have called me anyway.  Thanks for the drop off Lil' Patsye!

As I was coming back in I passed a familiar figure sitting in the waiting room.  I paused and called his name not really expecting him to remember me because I was not a regular attendee during his tenure as FUMC senior.  That was his second round there and my parents thought he walked on water.  He was gone by the time they died.  What I saw was a kinder gentler face with a lot more understanding about what community is following time climbing down the ladder.  Each "parish" in a West Tennessee county is being included in a group that will help their congregations figure out how to get what their folks need.  I find that concept fascinating in a connectional sort of way.  The UMC was founded on the itinerant lifestyle for pastors so never make the mistake of getting too attached.  I do anyway.  Wesleyan tradition warms your heart that way.  

By the time I left work the sun was out.   

Monday, August 14, 2017

it is my circus

Boy did i walk into a s**tstorm this morning.  It seems that a couple of interfaces were jammed up with very important bytes of info while I was trying to result a large run of patients.  We compare printout hard copies with results the computer screen before they are released but that wasn't happening in the proper sequence which resulted in mucho confusion.  Then the damn instrument just froze up.  Twice!  Meanwhile all manner of folks were calling wanting to know what was up with their labs because we all know how important that is to a practitioner.  Ahem.  It continued to be a shitshow sort of day and I'm totally blaming it on the coming eclipse.  Or Trump.

IMHO this radicalization of our country has flourished since his campaign began because he fuels hatred and disrespect on both sides.  It makes sensational reading for media hounds who want to be a part of something and not think for themselves.  Sheeple, so to speak.  There is very little difference between what happened in Ferguson Missouri and Charlottesville Virginia and it's not all about the alt right or black lives matter.  It's a seething frustration of a people who are not represented by their government.

As of August 7th, I have worked at the same job for 40 years.  Early retirement is available at 62 so I made an appointment today to be told face to face that I can't afford to live on that.  What's really sad is that my ex-husband worked until he died and never saw a dime of what he contributed to SS.  I could draw off of him or myself but the end result is the same......a 25K per year cut in income.  Did I mention how tired I am?

I know....wah wah wah.  Full retirement age for me is 66.  I'm assuming I can get Medicare at 65.  Unless Sugardaddy shows up that's exactly what I'll do.  My yearning is to be employed doing something that uses my talents.   All ears are to the ground on that one.  

I can't get either Mamye or P on the phone so I reckon there's some kind of phone outage with their networks.  Or maybe they're just out of minutes.  Anywho, there's nothing to talk about but the weather.  Right now most of West Tennessee south of the 'burg is getting hammered.  Y'all be safe down there.






Sunday, August 13, 2017

fueled by hatred

Yesterday in Charlottesville was an atrocity started by the vice mayor of the city in response to the removal of a Confederate war monument.  Lest y'all think I'm a total demolibtard, I do not agree with removing these statues.  There are a part of our history and removing them does nothing but create chaos.  It does not undo the evils of slavery.  We all need them as a reminder of how this country turned on itself because it looks like it is happening over and over again.  Yes, all lives matter, even the lives of these hate mongers.  Counter demonstration, unless it is peaceful, is worthless.  Let the idiots do their thing and move along.  Several people were killed as a result of this tragedy, one by a 20 year old who mowed down a peaceful crowd after they were dispersed.  There's a special fresh hell for that dude.  

As my daddy would say "It has always been thus and so."  I was a teenager when Kent State happened at the height of the Vietnam war.  Talk about your innocents being mowed down.  Older folks didn't understand the frustration and anger of a generation who was vehemently against a useless war.  That the vets were treated badly is just another piece of the story that nobody wins with war.  Watch Born on the 4th of July again for a reminder.  Or The Deer Hunter.  

I ran into several folks at the "under construction" Kroger today, one of which was my brother doing his weekly chore.  I go about once a month after a payday and it lasts a couple of weeks.  From there I eat on the run until the spirit moves me to do the deed.  I also hugged and chatted with two old friends who have recently had corporate downsizing affect their lives.  It's happening in every business.  I heard Redneck Friend behind me and knew exactly who she was.  Huge spontaneous hug and long grocery store catchup.  Life is good.

This is the extent of my socialization.  I work and see people there both practitioners and patients.  Most of them are happy to see a familiar face.  I come home to my quiet spot and recharge for another day.  There is an occasional trip to Jackson to visit with "the girls" I am definitely in self improvement mode right now and intend to stay that way.  I will not give up.

Something got all but one of my squash plants so I'm down to that and a couple of maters which aren't doing well.  Maybe next year if we don't get nuked.  All I pray for is that if it's to happen Lord, make it quick.  I'm not up for any Hunger Games.

Peace and love ~

 

Saturday, August 12, 2017

spontaneous saturday

I got up before the alarm went off at 830ish, ready for my date at Headlines with Marla the wonderful.  It's always fun to go there because Chucky and Vick are my high school classmates and have ALWAYS done my hair ever since back in the Chuckles days.  We gossip and catch up knowing what's going on because uh...Facebook.  It's the first time in forever I've paid attention to how I look because I ain't getting any younger.  While I was there I got to visit with my mother's errand runner Miss Tippi.  She is forever young and on fire with red hair.  Headed to San Francisco to visit her hippie son.  

While under the dryer I was scrolling through FB and noticed a group of old friends gathered at the courthouse for a benefit dog show.  I pulled in across the street and was greeted with shouts of delight as I crossed the (dead on weekend) street.  We had fun for a few minutes and then went our separate ways.  

Presently Anna, Conner and company are working on a horror movie production because my house has such old features.  These folks are a hoot.  And of course Anna is the director!!

It's cooler but horrendously humid so I'll be in the rest of the day most likely.  It's my turn to piddle.

Seize the day~

Friday, August 11, 2017

tired as if i'd been ironing

That was always the reply of our old school pharmacist Captain Lee when asked how he was doing.  It's a pretty apt description of how I feel these days and he was probably at the age I am now when he last told me that.  How time flies!  All the others who have gone before me are living the dream without the worry of working for a check.  At least I'll get one someday.  Maybe, unless we all get vaporized.  Once again the master is at it proclaiming an opiate emergency when, in fact, a large part of our economy runs on that very thing.  My personal opinion is that he jumped ( too late....way too late ) on that bandwagon to draw attention away from his little hissy fits with NOK.  I've seen the 25th amendment in the news lately considering the bizarre behavior of our POTUS which sounds good but would leave us with Pence.  Pick your poison.  We have floundered around for almost a year now with an unstable cast of who's in charge or what and nothing but fire and brimstone from the orange one.  I am soooooo over it.  I'm thankful not to be in Guam at this point.  

Charlie Brooke spends most of her time online watching Bruno Mars or shopping so she depends on me for the short version of world news.  "It's dicey" I told her as I described the purported nuclear warhead capabilities involved.  It's a pissing match between two crazy men who think nothing of collateral damage.  Trump is the main reason Kim hates our country more than the 30 others that sanctioned him.  He just won't.shut.up. and be presidential.  It's all about the win with him and this is not a game show or a golf tournament.  It's our future.  Speaking of the military, I wonder how many trans soldiers have been given their walking papers to date.  I'd say with potential war looming this is not a good time to be picky about the sexual preferances of those in uniform.  But that's just me being my demolibtard self.  

Forward motion ~



Thursday, August 10, 2017

silence is golden

I've had a full day.  Work was a good team building exercise which was followed by a dental cleaning and exam at the young Dr. Young's place.  Miss Reba is STILL there.  Talk about your dental legacy.  Gail fussed at me about not being regular with cleanings and I'm a new advocate for myself so there you go.  

I've missed my chats with Annie and Baby Sister what with all that's going on in our lives from Austin to West Tennessee.  I hear my mother's voice in their collective chatter....a bond that only the three of us know.  When Mama died, they ( of course ) couldn't be there but both sent flowers and hugged me by phone.  Annie is gonna' call me back...another great grandson expected!

My last stop was at Curry's where I dropped off my official deed for the Carter family graveyard located down at Gerald's. I stayed long enough to hug my cousin Sandy and meet Nancy's husband.  She has two sons and is part of the Reaves family history forever and ever amen.  Kay and I have such a bond it's ridiculous because we literally grew up together in church and school.  She learned to drive in her parents' Cadillac on their Lake Road front yard next to Homer and Jane's.  Spending the night with her was like fairyland to a country girl like me.  I see an Abe's date coming on.  

My last stop was to see Tab and Tracy both of whom were swamped.  Mamye is training there and I heard she did fantastic yesterday.  All is well with the world except for no little bottles of peach pecan.  Bummer.  

If I were you I'd be looking for a place to stockpile water even if it's on the steps.  Stay calm if you're outside of 3 miles of the blast.  The radioactivity decays quickly over a 24 hour period.  Just don't get the dust on you.  100k people in the direct blast path won't ever know what hit 'em and are either strumming harps or burning with the devil.  Okay...maybe purgatory is somewhere in between but whatever.  

I refuse to bow down to fear.  It cripples you and robs the joy out of life.  Before I started on the happy pill in my 40s I thought it was normal to cry every day.  Yeah.  Depression sucks and when you are a teenager it sucks even more.  I have watched our country grow into one of diversity during the tenure of a gentleman of a president faced with a Congress full of assholes.  When Boehner walked, I knew it was over.  

Annie had a cool pipe dream about how healthcare problems could be solved by standardization of pricing by item throughout the delivery system.  Forget all of that purchasing contract stuff because it saves the company money.  Or the overcharging.  My friend Carl posted a map listing the richest people in each state and in TN it's Frist.  Imagine that.  

I have seen healthcare evolve in the span of 40 years from county owned to Wall Street.  A lot of it has been fun and a learning experience.  There are certain people that I owe that to and they are the cloud of witnesses to what my life's work would be.   And you know what?   I'm not done yet.

^j^