Monday, June 29, 2015

round 4

So much for that coming in threes wives' tale.  I had just gotten to sleep last night when my mama called to tell me the "911" folks were there to pick daddy up for an ER trip.  Now, this is the man who refused transport twice after falls so he must have been in pretty bad pain to make the call on his own.  I went on up there in my slob attire and after a few hours could tell it was going to an all nighter so I came home for scrubs so I  could just go to work when he got situated.  The closer it got to 6AM the antsier I got about what his disposition would be.  Would there be time to take him home and make it back without being tardy?  Lord knows we don't want that to happen.  The holdup was radiology read on the CT but there was plenty of entertainment while waiting...heh.  A drug seeking drama queen from hell parked herself in the room next door and proceeded to wail and moan at the top of her lungs as if being stabbed in the eyes with a knife.  This went on for like...ever.  When her family tried to visit they got shooshed away by the self affirmed "not a dopehead" so she could act out a little more for the staff and me and pops.  When told she would not receive pain meds for anything ever, she started cussing like stuff I've never heard except from addicts and sailors.  She then had her INT removed and stomped quietly out the door.

The defining moment of this whole experience was me trying to help daddy use the urinal when he's not used to anybody but mom being around, and she can't see.  He had been trying for so long, crawling off the stretcher every time, that when it did flow, it was aplenty!  Thinking he was through he pulled away and squirted the scrubs I had just put on.  Y'all forgive me if I tell you I didn't go home to change at 4AM.   I made a couple of new friends that I already knew from phone conversations and trips in and out and it wasn't really THAT bad.  Next door before drama queen, there was an odd looking female couple with a two year old kid who had a topknot.  Everybody called him a girl, they said.  He was as pretty as Baby Man in a more cocoa kind of way.  He chattered and squealed and Nurse Angie chatted with him about Batman vs Spiderman.  Very cool demeanor, that one.  His Nana said she didn't take her BP meds because she has no doctor.  This is what we treat in our nations's ERs, on the fly and do a damn good job of it.  Sure, there's a lot of money to be made but emergency care is something that gets triaged and dealt with appropriately depending on the amount of teamwork happening.  There's always somebody who wants to play Big Ike, usually an anesthesia guy with pretty hair.  I've watched them rip into many a chest while treating trauma patients.  And yes, there's a LOT of blood.

This one guy with a surly attitude played idly with a pad while drama unfolded, seemingly oblivious to important things like life and death and old men with strangulated hernias.  Even after pain meds this tough old coot named Billie G gave his pain a solid 7.  He never slept, nor did I.  Even up to this point  we wait for the surgeon to finish his scheduled cases and do this one on the tail end because it became non-emergent when the evil thing popped back in place for the moment.  I delivered cell phone and hershey bars for after the OR and left him watching TCM happy as a clam.  He talked to Mama and told her to not worry he's fine.  BG is  visiting with her today fetching lunch from Applebee's and taking time to bond.  My bonding with daddy last night was a very long haul, kids.

Which brings me somehow around to loyalty and betrayal.  These past few weeks have been tough and I have felt like there wasn't really anybody at bat for me in a couple of life areas.  They kind of sigh and say "little black cloud" and carry on with the status quo.  I am a loyal friend who falls short in many ways but will always try to make amends.  Like, heartfelt you know?  I don't ever look for it because I still hear Noler's admonishment to expect nothing.  Some people just can't feel your pain.


Sunday, June 28, 2015

thinkin' about tomorrow

Don't stop! sang Fleetwood Mac. " Yesterday's gone....yesterday's gone."   My head is finally clearing out a bit and the weather is nice so I feel kinda' sorta' human again.  The rigged up dryer quit yesterday so I'm hauling scrubs that two of us now share down to the grands for washing.  That was after the mega-huge garbage haul.  Currently there are no bags at all out back and that, as Martha would say, "is a good thing."  We take simple things to heart up here on the hill.  We had enough funeral food for  an army so the dogs got the last of the meat we were afraid of after a week.  So far, they're alive, well and happily lounging on the cool floor.  Lily the bitchcat has her ass to me in defiance because she hasn't eaten in an hour.  Same old simple daily life and to be honest, I'll take that any day over a caffeine fueled week of endurance training.
There are a couple of days off coming later in the week but after that it's 7 days of work and business.  BG is back with a client today for a few hours and seems to have found her niche.

Lori and Bubba will both be AWOL next weekend and me and BG will be working so there's that little parental transportation detail to take care of.  Little hiccups like that we can deal with....just please no more broken bones for awhile!  We have a new pastor and the one who has been there visited Mom in the hospital.  She likes both which means she will probably go more often.  Unless it rains, then it's a day to sleep in and preserve the hairdo.  She's still trying to get used to nighttime 02 and that messes her hair all up which is major, you know.  I cannot express the appreciation that I have for the cloud of witnesses that make up FUMC.  Connectionally speaking, those who have come and gone remain constants in my life and are a part of who I am.  When I was a teenager, we got our first ever associate whose big job was youth.  He rallied those of us who had survived MYF and youth choir and gave us something more appealing to the younger set.  What we take for granted now in the way of church and service opportunities for youth was not available "back in the day."   We mostly just listened to little old white haired ladies quote scripture.

Faith ~


Saturday, June 27, 2015

out of body

Things have been happening so quickly that I don't even know what day it is except for the fact that yesterday was Friday so this must be umm...dang.  It has been one week since Noler died and it's been pretty much a blur with all that plus work and grands.  BG started a new job yesterday, one that uses more than her dish washing skills and is more in line with her social work training.  There is nothing about working in a kitchen for minimum wage that lifts the spirit except the kindness of a random few along the way.

It's quiet now, except for Sophie barking her head off at the golfers across the way.  The storms rolled through in succession and dropped our temperature by several degrees which is a welcome break.  The past week has been brutal in more ways than one.  When there is a quiet time it takes a few minutes for me to ratchet down from crisis mode and focus on a task.  The house is a wreck normally so that's nothing new. I'm a slob not by choice but by necessity.  When cleaning and sorting a life, there are lots of piles. Sometimes I think I create impossible situations as a way of dealing with my procrastination addiction, forcing myself spring into action.

Grief is hard work, no doubt and life is filled with it.  I was visited yesterday by a picker who had just lost his beloved dog and came to get the pump he bought so he could suck the water out of the ground to bury her.  I could see the pain in his eyes and voice and I've certainly been there many times, even recently with Ryder.  Those days of crawling into the barn waiting for puppies to walk seem like a thousand years ago.

Marriage equality and affordable healthcare are two things that should be a given yet there are think tanks full of asshats sitting around plotting to sue somebody and make it more complicated.  I see new thinking on the horizon and considering all the hooyah about an independent candidate for president, I'd say it's a win win situation while the conservatives eat each other for dinner.  On our dime, with a prayer by the Duggars.  I don't begrudge anyone their beliefs, just don't push them off on me like I have none.  Politics is not the place for religion no matter how many times you post "our country needs God".  God is here all the time and really does a lot of head shaking if I'm correct.  Why? he asks.  Why do you persecute and profile and otherwise make people seem unworthy?  Why does one of the richest nations in the world allow its' people to not have access to medical care and healthy food?   Is that what Jesus taught?????????

I think not, y'all.  I think not ^j^

Friday, June 26, 2015

the promise

I can't really explain the whole scenario but I do believe that Big Ernie sent me a couple of serpents and rainbows recently in preparation for the weeks ahead.  My co-workers asked why I looked shell-shocked but I think they all read my blog and know what's up.  It's pretty much transparent thanks to net neutrality!  I'm proud of SCOTUS for the first time in like...umm, forever.  Obama needs a day job because singing is not his strength.  The spirit that I saw in that church though?  Pure Methodist faith.  I came home to no air or lights and a muggy bunch of candles and funeral home flowers.   Thanks be to all the saints, my local electricity provider sent a big ass truck out to inspect said power outage and hook me up.  I'm serious...I can't breathe without central.  There are rumors of a few pretty days ahead.  We shall see if a wild tornado rips up over the hill before then.  

Our mayor Mozella lives about a mile walk from Pecan Lane proper but I usually drive because I'm like Towanda on a mission to save Samaria Bend and the history of Calcutt Farms. I'm thinking it's about time to hand that one off to a younger member.  Corporate would approve, I'm sure.  Meanwhile, we're busy at  the sawmill trying to save your precious time during the admissions process.  *more later*

Ya'll have a blessed and relaxing weekend ^j^

Thursday, June 25, 2015

hush, y'all

Oh dear my southern ladies it's that season we all dread...the sweaty one!   As long as you're in the water or the house things are great but take a typical work plus parental medical transport day and BOOM.  My dear friend Mahala over in the 'holler calls it underbewb sweat and it ain't pretty.  That's why all those comfy colorful wife beaters from the 'gentral come in handy so the dew can evaporate or get on the kudzu or some such nonsense that Idgie talks about.  The two ladies mentioned have written to and with me for years, never ceasing to amaze with their raw talent and sense of humor.

I know it's cliche but I'm really kind of excited about what's happening politically.  Grassroots campaigns are taking off which are funded by something other than huge corporate bucks with payback expected.  The SCOTUS decision puts conservatives in the precarious position of trying to repeal the shit one.more.time and meanwhile we're going to China in a handbasket...literally.

Big government is bad, I give you that.  Each state should care for the the villagers in a nice way by accepting federal dollars to at least give poor people a chance to live better.  Often it's nothing more than education on healthy eating habits and basic survival techniques like adequate hydration and growing your own.  My little garden is needing some more bales and I figure Bg will buy them for me.   I can tell it's the last growing season up here.Last night at dusk I heard the ree'a'rees for the first time, a harbinger of long hot summer days and a shift toward the blue moon..

Wednesday, June 24, 2015


Thank the lord today was a light one at the sawmill.   I wore good scrubs that weren't black just because it was my best appearance for funeral day.  Y'all should have seen us sitting up there on the front row just like the family that we are.  Lori brought Mom and Daddy and sat right there with us like the caring person that she is.  Mama got new clothes that fit and tomorrow is hair + doctor day for her so there's that to look forward to.  It's hot as hell with no relief in sight for a couple of days but then?  Cool front coming!

I think the wheat is done and I did manage to snag some AC filters at lunch today while out paying bills to #13.   The USPS is what's up in that department, just saying.   Meanwhile, the chick behind me was ordering books of flag stamps, for the 4th I suppose.   Jindal is in with Bush and Fat Bastard and everybody else who thinks poor people deserve to stay that way.  If folks don't look outside the box we are screwed with this next election.  Let's all think less about party lines and more about humanity even if it means going rogue with a vote.  You only live once but can vote multiple times if you live in the great state of Florida.

I am humbled by the acts of so many people who have loved me and BG and 'Noler.  I'm a hot mess on a good day and this definitely wasn't one.  But then folks  make an effort and give hugs and somehow everything seems alright with the universe.


Tuesday, June 23, 2015

lessons in life (and death)

After visiting the funeral home for the 2nd time in a week I have learned a lot in how death is dealt with on the other end.  It costs money..  like *alot* of money to have the obituary in the local newspaper where BG used to work her ass off as an inserter.  Nobody but old people uses that venue, mostly choosing to let social media and the funeral home get the word out.  No $ for you, we said.  You can never have too many death certificates because when somebody passes, there are finances to be dealt with and such. Also, a funeral home courtesy.  The cremains won't be present for the service but that's okay.  It is what it is and it's about who he was in life.It's an odd position to be in, the ex-wife X 2 and baby mama to an only child.  I've tried to sit back and let her do things her own way because she was the light of his life.

My favorite picture is of the two of them when he was teaching her to ride a pink bike, her first, on gravel. She was four when we moved here and had all kinds of adventures on the farm growing up.  His favorite fishing hole is right across the road and I came home a lot of times to a note that said "gone to the riverbed" which I knew meant peace for him.  He worked very hard for many years at the local rubber plant doing doubles on weekends to support our family.  When that family went away, so did a piece of him and that haunts me still.

The spiral was a process and one that took place over a number of years.  It ended with jail time and sobriety for him until the day he died which is something his court appointed attorney told me would never happen.  What.An.Ass.  The public defender's office gave me some advice on how the whole thing would go with our local judge and that requires about six months of sitting in a cell eating baloney sammiches.   He got in trouble one time for rolling up turnip greens and trying to smoke 'em...heh.

Once upon a time an old hippie from Lake county wrote a song about him called "Pnoler Stood".  And indeed he did, for honesty and loyalty and all things honorable.  He had a big old smile after the bridge and it was infectious to whomever was around.  He worked hard and he played hard, a true southern gentleman. He loved Nascar and football and anything deep fried, especially if home grown.  Lauren and I are grieving in separate rooms, writing about who James Parker was in life to us.  Please help us to keep the faith ^j^

Monday, June 22, 2015

big girl panties

Lord have mercy y'all....The John Deere bunch is trying to beat the rain and get the rest of that wheat out  so it's a kind of difficult breathing situation here on the hill.  Still no new AC filter, by the way.  BG and I met up with KK at her work to plan her Pnoler's service which will be on Wednesday afternoon.  Patti Lou agreed to do the honors and Lauren picked out an urn and some flowers while I talked to Mama in the casket sample room about Daddy's pills.  Lori will be counting them soon as well as transporting to hair and doctor's appointments.  This old girl is smooth wore out.

BG picked up his stuff yesterday with the exception of the truck because keys.  They were always in his pocket, ya' know?  That's another thing for the end of life care team to deal with.  I am still amazed at how hard this hit us even though we knew it was coming.  I was scheduled to report to a trustee's meeting tomorrow and instead will be with my child preparing to honor her father's legacy.  Funeral home twice in one week is a bit tiresome, if you know what I mean.

I handed off my part of team DRMC for now because, well. That's how a truly integrated bunch of professionals works.  My plate is full and actually running over on the sides!  From all of this chaos, I see some light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in forever and it came to me slowly but surely as we drove up Sampson Avenue to get things done.


Sunday, June 21, 2015

more sadness

This whirlwind of a week ended last night when a hysterical BG called  me from work with the news that her daddy died.  She had talked to him on Friday and his continued health problems had turned into a case of cellulitis in his leg. Someone at the house where he lives found him yesterday afternoon following what looked like a peaceful death.  That is about the only blessing that I see at this point.  Pnoler was a good man...the kind that everybody knew and loved.  He was a hard worker and provided for our family for many years, even helping us out a bit recently.  Divorce doesn't change love and respect and I have both for him.  Lauren was his reason for carrying on with life along with helping others who were where he had been. Almost ten years sober, he worked with those starting recovery at a facility in Jackson.  Not many of them will keep their sobriety like he did, and I admire what it took for him to get there.  I have a lot of fond memories of our many years of marriage that I will carry with me until my own death.  Peace be still my dear friend.

I woke up this morning confused and not remembering why the heaviness in my heart, but it came to me quickly.  BG is still sleeping and faces the task of going to get his things and look for life insurance. He has no family except for a half brother  and it took me a lot of years to understand who he was and how he was raised which was much different than me.  At the age of 13 he found that the woman who he thought was his sister was actually his birth mother.  I urged him for years to reconcile with her and he insisted it wasn't important to him.  He was raised by his grandmother and step-grandfather both of whom were a piece of work.  There is a giant void on that side of the family for my daughter and I hate that.

Right now, I don't know what else to expect because the hits just keep on coming.  Please send prayers and good karma for me and mine.  We are struggling with grief and loss on a lot of levels.


Saturday, June 20, 2015

summertime blues....ain't no cure

Why yes, I hate heat and humidity...why do you ask?  The first day of summer is a scorcher following a monsoon named Billy Bob or something last night.  I slept for 12 hours and woke up feeling like I knew what day it was instead of having to look at the phone for guidance.  Since we all know getting discharged from the hospital is a "process" I knew I'd have plenty of time with some to spare which I spent exchanging the underwear that's too big.  Her nurse Betty is one of my favorites, always smiling and energetic.  She took care of Aunt Granny as well just over a week prior.  Since then we've been to the funeral home twice and the ER once and back to the sawmill every day.  And to home, sweet home with ale in tow.

Mom and I had a long discussion about their options and she keeps wanting me to tell her how to "make" daddy move with her to assisted living.  You don't MAKE the man do anything, it has to be his idea.  Once it's in his repertoire he owns it.  His biggest fear is being separated from this farm which has been home for 60 years.  I can't convince him that will not happen, even with plans B C and D.  Wheels are in motion that won't take much to act on so there's that comfort in the storm.  Meanwhile, they were just happy to be together.  I can't BELIEVE these are the same two that harped at each other all day Tuesday.   I'm glad he's gonna be in a good mood for Father's Day.  Just sayin'.

The talking heads are in overdrive and on steroids about Charleston and the freakin' rebel flag and I now know the true meaning of SMH.  Not shake, but smack.  When right wing Christian gun nuts claim that this was not a hate crime after the man announced his intentions and why, is something they'll have to answer to Big Ernie about.

Gotta' run.  Mom needs her cell phone!

Friday, June 19, 2015

holy moly

So um, yesterday the handy dandy mobile x-ray folk took a picture of mama's pelvis and found it be be cracked.  The call from her doctor came late afternoon and he told me to take her to the ER so there we went.  It wasn't busy, which is a blessing but you know there's nothing good about a hospital admission especially after you've worked there all day.  We went in expecting the worst meaning rehab (again) and found out today that she will be dismissed tomorrow to home.  No fix for that kind of fracture but bedrest.  She had been walking on it for two weeks since the fall so I think it was just a "let's make sure" kind of thing.  Cousin Sandy reported for night shift in L/D and brought her some snacks so it was all good.  When I checked in this morning prior to class she was sawing logs and enjoying the peace.

My day consisted of tons of post-it notes and lots of nerf balls.  It was a very intense intro session for problem solvers from most every department  and my brain is tired beyond words.  The storm has moved in and doused us a time or two with more on the way which is bad for the wheat harvest but good for the straw bales.  In the ice breaker/intro this morning we all told a little about ourselves and what animal? we would be. My thoughts raced back to night before last when I saw a huge buck standing in my front yard watching the house.  He ran when I yelled for BG to come look.  I've never seen one that big up that close.

I have two days off and I need 'em.  This has been a very looooong week on many levels and I'm just about tapped out as supergirl.  Catch you after some sleep....and keep the faith ^j^

Thursday, June 18, 2015

twice a child

I think one of the hardest things about being an elder caregiver is trying to not come on as the heavy but as a problem solver and offer choices.  Nothing pisses off a soul of ANY age more than being dismissed as not competent to be heard.  So many times when BG was a little kid I just screamed at her to hush out of pure exasperation  with constant chatter.  When she was about four and we took aerobics together, my friend MM chided me on that and said to lighten up.  Only then did I see that I was repeating the pattern set for me by my father the ornery old coot of a sharecropper's son.  In his heyday he accomplished things that others only dreamed about.  He was president of everything all the time and Mama was a close second.

Right now, he sees me as the enemy because I recognize that their living situation is not safe and would like for them to be a bit more, ahem..stable.   Every baby boomer that I know is either currently living  it or has already been there and got a t-shirt or five.  Expect nothing, said my ex.  That way you'll never be disappointed.  Some people were raised that way but not me.  I was taught to dream and plan even if I didn't get the gift of organizational skills.  The "idea person" if you will.  When our hospital hired our first PR person I applied for the job on a manual typewriter and turned in something that they probably laughed at.  It didn't matter because the candidate was already chosen and she was not me.  Oddly enough, she was no more organized!

My friend Kay works for a company that recognizes her face value and has retained the tradition of family business.  I had that for a long time but now it's gone and I miss it.  At the off-site thing yesterday I ran into a guy who was assistant O back in our county days and he filled in the gaps on who the board members were at the time, now all long gone.  That gave me some clarity on how the whole thing went down, and I'm not done asking questions yet.  Hide and watch.

So tomorrow brings another opportunity to get out of the box for a spell and I'm not dreading it so there's that.  At least I get to sit down for a day.  

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

be still, my friend

Well looks like we're all primed for a record setting week of ungawdly heat around these parts and it's not even officially summer.  Global warming aside, I've noticed lots of lightning bugs but snakes are scarce except in the basement.  That's why there's a towel under the door so he won't crawl up in here and bite my ass.  I'm watering the straw bales daily even though it looks pretty dismal at this point in time.  BG left for work at noon and the dogs were about to dehydrate by the time I rolled in at four.  They are presently resting comfortably on the bed .

Today was an off site work assignment which was much busier than I am used to but fortunately I had a stool with wheels.   You ALMOST a nurse.  These folks are the most precious of precious, coming in for treatment which includes everything from procrit to carbo.  My friend Candyland and I chatted about her mother in law's recent death among other things.  I took lunch to visit the local VA benefit guy with whom I had made an appointment only to find that he was "not available."  Probably getting his ass chewed by a supervisor because there was a lot of yelling back there.  I schlepped back on over to today's assignment and finished up the day by buying Dianne bracelets from Sherry the gymnastics queen.  Before she got pregnant, this gal would do cartwheels up and down the hallowed halls of cancer treatment. Today was the first ever that I've noticed a volunteer.

Haven't talked to Daddy but I'm assuming he's still pretty mad which seems to be his  normal state these days.  Mom waffled on the negotiation in progress saying that she doesn't really want to leave, but. Sometimes a girl's gotta' do what keeps her sane.  I'm sure there will be plenty of help to pack her panties.  I missed the big photobomb at lunch yesterday because of feeling overwhelmed with life.  Besides, you have to have cash at Mexico.

Let's all hold hands and hope the Camry makes it to Jackson safely on Tuesday.  Ohhhhmmmm.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015


In the literal sense of the word, the meaning is to bring issues to the table and acknowledge them first of all. You know like, step's all out of control.  My mother's grief over her sister's death and her unhappiness with the living arrangements are both taking a toll and I went down for a convo this morning with the two of them.  Even made Daddy shut off the teevee so I am now officially "the devil."  We have had this discussion on many occasions and he's adamant that he's not leaving the farm.  He wants to die here.  Umm..okay, but do you have to take her happiness with you?  For years she has allowed herself and her wishes to be put "on the back burner". My plea to her was to think about what will make her happy during what time there is left on earth for her.  You can't lead a horse to water but you can tempt with the promise of a better life.

Lord have mercy it's hot and I'm grateful to have a good central unit up here on the hill.  I'm hauling buckets of water out to the recently planted trees which may or may not make it.  Hell, even the straw bale garden looks puny.  BG had a nice interview today with a company that recognizes her talents so there's that to praise the lord about.  As for me it looks like modern healthcare rules and it's not for the old timers anymore. They need young people who can easily do 12 hour shifts on the hamster wheel.  If I had some new tennis shoes, I could probably hang.

I may think I have it bad, but all over the world people are being persecuted in the name of religion for doing things that others deem unacceptable.  That's like playing Big Ernie to me.  Who the hell cares if being gay is a choice?  What does that have to do with Jesus loves everybody and you're next.  His ministry went way beyond the limits of what was considered "normal" back in the day including lepers and hookers and dead people.  Nothing made him madder than those money changers.

Which brings me up to present times with banks and superpower financial groups who finance their political agendas with dirty money.  Like, say....the Kochs for instance.  I am a healthcare veteran and I can tell you from practical experience that there's a lot of money to be made in diagnostics. Sometimes they are vital to recovery but often it's just a a cover yo' ass kind of thing with the docs, thankyouverymuch personal injury attorneys.  Ambulance chasers are still alive and well and add substantially to the total dollar amount for your healthcare.

When Frist and HCA took on Terri Schiavo as a poster child for prolonging life, I just kind of gave up and went about my business.  Access to preventive care and education on healthy living is what is needed presently.  I remembered today when talking with BG about an appointment one time with a LTC insurance guy about options for the elderly.  During that meeting he asked me "what do you expect to gain from this?" That kind of took me by surprise but it was a long time ago and I was still in the lab rat box trying to get out. out.  I think I've found my way home.


Monday, June 15, 2015

forget me not

My friend JenBWag works with the Alzheimer's association as  a day job and I knew about their wonderful work and quest for wellness.  As I mingled with relatives at the funeral home I noticed that there were several multicolored bands on their wrists as a remembrance of the disease that robbed Aunt Granny of her dignity.  She taught both Nic and I to play piano and his opening piece on the keyboard did me in.  Good thing I brought lots of tissues.  She and Jimbo were classical freaks with the art but enjoyed other venues as well like broadway productions and always, their door was open to kids who filled their spare time with making music.   They are together now with Michael and Debbie and all the other ethereal relatives that make up a life.  The highlight of my day was a big fat hug from Lake county.

The grands had to go home because it's hot as hell and it was lunchtime.  Daddy actually put on a tie and Mama enjoyed the service. They don't get out much and neither do I.  We trekked on over to the cemetery and had a few words of prayer with a quite spiritual woman who knows how to honor death with life and scripture and I felt connected to my god for the first time in a very looooooooong time.  PL gave me a ride while BG got the grands situated out of the sun and in their chairs.  Mama had ice cream and she was happy.  Cousin Sandy was there with her father-in-law toddling around on a cane like my own.  The Reaves girls never give up...ever.  We may throw a hissy fit or sleep for a week but in the end?  We do the next right thing.


Sunday, June 14, 2015

hold my beer and watch this....

It's summer and I hate to sweat which makes me pretty grumpy when there are multiple trips in and out of vehicles to numerous destinations like to work and to pick up the grands for Aunt Granny's visitation.  It was our first trip around the block at the new place and I must say I was super impressed.  KK and I go all the way back to the nursery at FUMC and are as different as night and day but it's always been true love.  Her late Mama paid for my divorce if that tells you anything.  So anyway, the new place has a drive up where the old folks can be led safely into the building by the door guys.  BG got out first and them helped Mom with the walker.  I put it in forward and ran over my Daddy's foot because he wasn't even out yet.  Luckily Dewey caught him.  All of this in a damn 14 year old Camry with no hubcaps.  One of my cousins asked if I was drunk.  Heh.  Right!

We have a family of ducks living at the pond by the highway and they kind of wander willy nilly around the used car lot next door.  As we were coming home this afternoon I slowed down to get a closer look and then Daddy proceeded to tell me what crop was planted in every field along the road to home.  He may be retired as manager, but he still knows what's up.

The next few weeks are crucial for me financially as I attempt to crawl up out of a hole that should have been acknowledged a year ago.  In my constant quest for activity to keep the whole boat floating I've ignored my talents and made excuses for not using them.  This must and will stop, one step at a time.  Having my house clean(er) is a big plus and it makes me breathe a little bit easier every time I purge another corner.  It's called picking,  y'all.

In loving memory of Nancy Reaves Godsey, I give you "the look" ^j^

Saturday, June 13, 2015

random rainbow

So, there was a lot of yelling around my house this morning before sawmill o'clock and I had to breathe pretty deep just to keep from doing a Thelma and Louise down the hill.  As I passed through (what's left of) Southtown   I noticed a faint rainbow so I pulled over and had a moment.  There was no rain on me or anywhere close, but a few miles down the highway they had it going on with sun shining from the north. Amazing stuff.  My aunt died yesterday after a lengthy illness and a life well lived.  My favorite thing about her is that she took her job in social services seriously and continued to be a volunteer for the Salvation Army as long as her health allowed.  Well, that and "the look."    She was always kind of amused with me because I was such the rebel and gave my parents a lot of worry.  She and her husband Jimbo were second parents to an entire generation of  high school band kids including me.   They refurbished houses as a hobby and never lived anywhere long, doing improvements and moving onto the next adventure.  Their last, and my favorite, is an ancient white brick in Newbern right close to the funeral home.  I'm still busy purging and there are some dolls that came from that house which will be passed onto the sole girlchild in our grand-crew.  

BabyMan got wild with broken glass today and came to see me at work and got to watch TV while seeing if stitches were necessary.  Today was the opening of our annual farmer's market and it looked like a decent crowd.  The ability to use government benefits to purchase home grown food is an idea that should have been thought of eons ago.  The whole processing thing is about to implode anyway when the infrastructure crumbles.  Then you better have some squash or something or you'll starve.  Grapes of Wrath here we come!

Faith ~

Friday, June 12, 2015

inner bitch

Things have been as my mother would say "stressful" lately so when I got home and found out that my internet service was gone I didn't hesitate to call up the provider and proceed to unload all my life's drama on some poor call center girl.  She did restore service on a payment arrangement ( for 30 bucks on payday ) so that I can continue to blog.  I also owe the landlord a huge chunk and a modest utility bill plus there's those pesky expired tags.  And gas.  And food.  Thank God and Juan that the dryer works.

Mom is on night O2 now and it got delivered the other day when I was at the sawmill.  Daddy being the knob turner that he is was trying to fix it for her and managed to get it down low enough that the alarm went off all night.  Luckily Chris the PT guy came by as part of the home health team and noticed that it was set at zero.  Meanwhile I ran across the street after work and had a meeting with my dear friend Abby who knows all about the medical equipment.   Leave it on 2 please...push the on and off switch.  I'm tempted to just go lay in her bed and breathe it myself.

Aunt Granny is still hanging on, a trooper and tough gal.  Mo is there all the time with a laptop and a blanket because we now have good air at the sawmill.  There were some vein access problems during the night which made for a wild ride but it's all good now.  Nancy Reaves Godsey taught me to play the piano when I was just a little kid and then I got passed onto Jimbo and Charlene Fisher.  Around the age of 13 I got more interested in other things.  Her grandson Nic also took lessons, the last in a line of musicians schooled by the Godseys.  I played one thing in the HS band and that was the chimes.  Mostly I just hung out and lusted over the percussion section.  Debbie was on flute and Mo was a majorette.

Following that star ^j^

Thursday, June 11, 2015

sittin' shiva

My favorite episode of Weeds is the one where Albert Brooks is sitting with his dying mother and the Botwin/Newman crew comes to "help".  It takes a dark but realistic sense of humor to see the funny in who's gonna' put the pillow on her face.  Sadly, that is  the thought that many have while waiting for an elder to die.  But not my cousin MO!  Aunt Granny is being cared for 24/7 by her only surviving daughter who read old family memories to her during the night.  I was in and out all day since I was "at work" and once again, I feel grateful to have that privilege as a healthcare provider and relative.  I don't know what Jewish people do when they work for somebody who only gives you three days off for a parent's death because it takes 7 days for shiva to be done properly.  Fortunately, we aren't of that persuasion.

If it bleeds it leads, even if it takes a few days for news to get around.  My employer was front page and center in this week's local newspaper along with the tragic tale of my friend's wreck in Missouri.  She is still hospitalized and better, but the lady in the other vehicle (a very tiny one) is paralyzed from the neck down at 50 years old.  There was a fatality that same night at the event involving an ATV.  My friend was in a truck hauling several of them when the wreck happened.

We have Booger duty today so I imagine he'll get to swim at Gigi's which should be fun.  I'm finally able to breathe normally after a whirlwind few days of really BIG news that affects me on a lot of different levels, if you know what I mean.  My last things on the must get done list were accomplished this morning so that I have happy meds, dog food and Daddy's pills are all counted.  Again.  The blister packs are a really good idea but old people have a lot of trouble getting them all out without somebody to help.  Anyone looking to start a solid business model for providing those simple things  would be wise to jump on it.

I visited with Lucy da' Beagle this morning while doing business with her keepers and she is just precious always.  We even played a little ball and she caught it mid-air!  Her uncle T is pretty sick but is already back to making his magic brownies so I see some of those in my future when he visits Mom and Dad.  It's the little pleasures, y'all.

Walk By Faith...with Dianne ^j^

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

reaching out

I don't know about you guys but I'm already worn ass out and it's only Tuesday which was, of course, parental medical transport day.  BG scooped them up in the Cadi with no air and I met them for the actual visit.  The doctor did, indeed, help a girl out with some maintenance meds until I can get some time for an appointment of my own.  I think it's the heat and humidity that's killing me plus Monsanto and Obama.  There was this highly visible post today about the top 50 hospitals that mark up the actual cost of service to Jamie Dimon levels which punishes those who have no insurance.  In the great state of TN our somewhat assholish lawmakers have refused to accept federal money to expand Medicaid which could provide wellness for a whole lot of Southern folks who need the care.  As for the corporate entities and all their claims of free care, that's just a plus on their balance sheet at the end of the year.  Rick Scott. Bill Frist.

With Bredesen's TennCare we actually had a workable model for healthcare delivery until the Ford family and Pharm started raiding the pantry and the whole thing went broke.  We haven't had a Democratic governor since.  My old friend Hoss who is now a dung beetle first contacted me to ask about that very thing.  He was a former speech writer for the governor of Oregon, you know.  Old Horsetail Snake, just saying.  If I hadn't met him in person I couldn't tell the story because you can't make this shit up.

It's hot as hell and not even the first day of summer.  I saw lightning bug's butts last week which always reminds me of my brother Tommy.  We are at about the same place in the cosmos, right Bev?

Grace  ~

Monday, June 8, 2015


The past two weeks are a blur for me because wave after wave of drama has just about convinced me that you can't make this shit up.  Society is shifting and changing and money is at the bottom of all of it, in my opinion.  As a healthcare provider I find that extremely frustrating.  It begins with expecting the government to subsidize nutrition through various and sundry plastic cards at little box stores and ends somewhere along the way when big oil destroys mother earth.  I finally bought some 'maters for the straw bales and a random shower watered for me today, thank you sweet baby Jesus.  We might have one by August if the snakes don't eat 'em.

My friend is recovering nicely but won't be back at the sawmill anytime soon because well...trauma.  She was at the wrong place at the wrong time and the ironic thing is that so was another friend the very next night. I'm real good at picking up on threads like that, if you know what I mean.  Mama sounds happy and we're all headed to the doctor's office tomorrow afternoon post day job.  Hopefully said physician will give me some SRUIs to get me through until my check gets more manageable.  If not, I reckon I'll just lose my mind.
Honestly?  I don't care anymore about anything other than my folks and my fur babies at this point.  Well, except for justice and the American way.   I'm not real sure what that is anymore, if you know what I mean.  Precious has the badass Leica looking at the upload problems which probably stem from old cards and a bad cord.  This can be corrected cheaply as well as my need for more efficient connectivity in the office.

So how was your Monday?

Sunday, June 7, 2015

the (good old) summertime blues

Just when you think life can't get any crazier something happens like China "allegedly" hacks our entire internet system or Caitlyn trends upward while the Duggars carry on and on about being sorry. suck.  Which brings me back to the distant relative who is all over West TN news.  I have this to say about that and it's very simple.  The courts know how to deal with a shakedown.   I haven't seen this cousin in years but I am in steady contact with the rest of his family and my heart is broken for them.  When society turns toward elation at the expense of some else's misery, Jesus weeps.  And then he kicks over the tables when the rich don't do right.

BMF is improving a little according to her daughter.  It sounds like it was a nasty wreck and they got triaged to different places for treatment but will thankfully survive.   I chatted with Emily today who was trying to tie up all the loose ends like WTF to do about mom's job and such.  Thank the lort' there are people who can do that stuff.  Mimi and I talked today about the state of our laboratory professional futures and hers is looking much better than mine at the moment but she's younger and quicker so there you go.   With age comes fatigue.  She told me to google silent migraines and that's just uncanny because I've had a couple lately.

The distillery in Trimble had a big blowout last night with a band and 8 free shots of Sloonshine per adult so there was a lot of drunk folks wandering around in northern Dyer county.  One particular friend was traveling with her usual drinking buddy and they got in a fight somewhere along the way to home and the car swerved.  That was the reason I got an off the wall message from our other friend around 11:30.  Do no harm people, find a DD.

Mom slept in today because she's tired and was up all night for, I don't know why.  I did a few loads of laundry and Lori had Daddy aka ornery ass duty.  I would creep by mama's room every now and then to see if she was stirring but she was sleeping like the dead.  I'm down with that, if you know what i mean.


Saturday, June 6, 2015

patient access

In hospital terms that means availability of services through insurance verification and what not.   Often it  doesn't flow in a consumer friendly way which means that by the time my patients get to the department they are all just pissed about sitting in the lobby for an hour with their wireless devices for amusement;  That should probably be a bit more important than demanding payment up front for services rendered, but then I'm more of a do no harm kind of gal.  Aunt Granny is still up there with somewhat effective pain meds but was grumpy today so we didn't visit. Instead, I went swimming all alone and then bought some veggies for the straw bales out back.  They are all watered in and ready to grow if Monsanto will just give 'em a break.  

My friend Becky went on a road trip with her boyfriend over in MO at some kind of ATV event and is presently in critical condition at the trauma unit in Shelby, aka The Med.  Sounds like lots of broken bones and such so I'm praying they keep her out of pain and  she lives to tell the story.  We all step up to the plate when something like that happens to one of our own.  I had a bad feeling about the whole thing when she cut out, and I reckon now I know why.  In other news, a distant relative got arrested for trying to hire a TBI agent to kill his wife.   Bond is 15M so I'm thinking he's not going anywhere anytime soon except to court.  People don't realize how their madness affects the rest of the fam when they get desperate like that.  

As Rod would say "here's the thing".....Life is short and then you die.  Make every day count as if it were your last.  Always do the next right thing.  Never lie or put your own desires above the needs of others because honestly? It takes a village.


Friday, June 5, 2015

golden shadows

June is a beautiful month on the farm even though you can smell the Monsanto like REALLY strong when there's not a breeze.  Early morning is hazy and has that stench.  This time of day is my favorite though, when the shadows start changing on the background of green and gold..  Wheat that was planted way before the ice storms is maturing now and will be cut (thrashed?) soon resulting in one giant sneezefest for our  family.  Note to self:  New AC filter.  While I still have no 'maters in the straw with the snake, there is some corn and a few beans plus some ragged little herbal survivors.   I'm headed to the FNP as soon as possible for some steroids because at this point, it's all that works.  Surrounded by rivers, we are constantly seeing   cottonwood fluffs floating around.

I did a different job again today and was amazed at how much fun it is to really interact with people rather than just run tests all the time.  There was this sixth grade boy, chubby and nervous as heck because he had been stuck a bunch of times already at the other place.  We bonded and played and he sat real still while I prayed to sweet baby Jeebus that the whole thing worked and thankfully it did.  His mama is a nursing student so she got a real kick out of the scene.  It was a long day... no long WEEK and I was ready to bolt.
I slowed down on the way up my lane, gazing and stopping here and there to take it all in.  It has been mine to wander freely for almost 60 years now and I know just about every nook and cranny here thanks to guys with four wheelers.  I don't hunt, but I sure know how to find where the critters live.   And sometimes they just find me!

Happy weekend to all y'all and your mama and them.  If I were you I'd go on over to  see what Mahala wrote about mama drama.  ^j^

Thursday, June 4, 2015

little boxes

My friend Gigi is in the real estate biz and works it 24/7 with appraisals and whatnot.  She has a fantastic pool that I haven't even dipped a toe into this season until today because, you  know.  It's been a long winter!  Since we had an opportunity for improvement at the sawmill today I didn't get away until the sun was right smack over her house.  The water wasn't much cold and lots of my friends were there and lord have mercy I needed it.  Mo called me to see if I was on duty because her Mama was in transit with a  bruised hip and on hospice.  What to do?  Hmm.  We cried and we hugged and generally bonded as family who don't have a clue how to deal with what's going on with our elders.  Granny is my mother's only surviving sibling and I say that with a grain of salt because she's not thriving.  Alzheimer's patients tend to chase the past and contract into the fetal position and none of it is pretty.  It's the price we pay for getting old and God bless Caitlyn when she gets there.

I have never claimed to have all the answers but still show up and try to be a part of the solution.  That's a pretty solid way to live according to standards of honor.  The last ten years has been a blur that ended me up where I am currently, sleeping with dogs on Pecan Lane.  It beats the hell out of a cardboard house under the interstate.


Wednesday, June 3, 2015


I was raised on early rock and roll that transitioned into the Beatles and true classic year upon year of brilliant music from by artists ranging from Janis Joplin to Wiz and Sam Smith.  Music has always spoken to my soul in a way much like writing does which is why they go together in my book.  I can live without TV but not the tunes, no way buddy.  I got hooked up with a do-gooder who likes to help people so I'm feeling better about my friend's 90 day trial.  If you ever wonder about why THC is against the law think two things:  Big Pharma and corporate greed with a side of  religion.

Caitlyn is on my nerves mostly because she's gonna' make even more money and won't qualify as a Sugardaddy which is so not fair.  Enough your cable bill and watch it until your eyes drop out of your head.  Mama K looks pretty pissed about the whole thing and there's a baby Aye on the way.  Hopefully the other sisters bitches will choke while having caviar for breakfast.  In the words of Jon Lovitz: "It's ACTING!"

I have this virtual friend in Missouri who is a college student in all things nature and loves to play Trivia. From what I hear he's on the road to other countries a lot of the time and his travels are interesting, to say the least. So are all the bugs he pins and posts, I reckon.  Dude loves snakes so I'm going to send mine to Flamm City if he shows up again.  Ditto for the coyote.

Tomorrow is learning day at the sawmill which is pretty much what we do 24/7.  Just when you think you've seen it all, here comes something around the pike that just blows your mind and is the one deal that makes all that education and experience worth it.  It makes the dull moments seem precious and few, if you know what I mean. Any healthcare consumer in this day and time should know the HCAHPS scores for their regional facilities and act accordingly because payment is now tied heavily to patient satisfaction and outcomes.  It's a science and manufacturing productivity tool that manufacturing firms implemented  years ago with LEAN practice.  Process the workflow and make customers happy.  Easy peasy.

BG is once again employed and looking forward to deli duty.  Mom isn't eating much but there's popcorn for supper, by golly because

Grace ~

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

acting as if

It's an age old trick of the mind to pretend that the whole world isn't going to hell in a handbasket and keep on the sunny, you know, act as if everything's gonna' be alright.  And eventually, it will be.  It's just that the process of getting there is hell sometimes.  I keep reading all these inspirational quotes on FB about how the storms and tragedies of life are in direct proportion to the blessings that are JUST around the corner and sometimes I have trouble with that kind of magical thinking.  I've witnessed more than a few random acts of kindness including the now famous BF and I cling to those as if they were life rafts when times get really hard.  I am at that age in life where I'm too old to be taken care of  but too young to just give up because it's just me against the world.  Watching my parents age has been very hard like it is for everybody, and there were times past when I only thought I knew what it was like to be a caregiver.  Once an adult, twice a child. I find tears creeping out at the oddest times like when I think of one of my parents and all that they have been to me and I can't imagine not having either of them.  Yet, it will come and I will be the elder.  That scares me more than a little even though I'm pretty much managing the whole circus now.

My time here on the farm is finite and dependent on the generosity of people who don't really know anything about the heritage of this place. I am in a state of financial ruin partly because I chose to leave a marriage that wasn't working.  I have one last opportunity to straighten out the mess and find a means to support my golden years self.  If my life goes like the ones I've seen lately, after I am forced to quit working for bad health I will be dependent on a small percentage of what I've paid in over the years in SS and Medicare.  My friend Carl suggested that we do away with entitlements by offering a living wage to everyone who works and a reduced amount to the disabled.  No more extra bucks for kids or SNAP or anything that encourages not making a meaningful contribution to society. I like the "if you don't work yaya" attitude.  If everybody had about 40K to live on  the robber barons wouldn't have us by the balls.  Instead, the Kochs and Soros get richer by the day.

So how about that Caitlyn J huh?  All I can say is just bless 'em.  Living life on TV as freaks is pretty much an invitation to be dysfunctional.  I bet they're laughing all the way to the bank.

Peace out ~


Monday, June 1, 2015

hidden blessings

I totally dreaded today because it was Monday and I had to work in a doctor's office instead of at the sawmill where we have the luxury of sitting down and having a snack now and then.  It's an efficient operation now, much unlike the days when other companies did business across contractual lines.  Oncology is an honorable practice when used with a sense of empathy for quality of life.  I've spent 25 years there at almost as many locations and you lose a lot of folks, which hurts.

On the upside, my new friends there shared lunch with me and I got off at a reasonable hour so there's that blessing.  I ran across none other than the grandsons of old Mr. Council the horse whisperer and they look the same only "older".  Don't we all!  Today's hug came from an old friend of a friend and we chatted for a few in the parking lot about how alternative therapy is kinda' what's up these days.  My latest yadayada convo was with none other than the notorious BabySister who is my mama's bestie from back in the day.  She's like on Red Bull 24/7 or on fire for the lord or something.  Her husband is a military type who doesn't crack a smile often but when she reminded him of how I called him "Mr. BabySister" he laughed.

I'm doing an eye roll kind of thing these days wondering why the hell I've not gotten bolder sooner on the career front.  Someone with my experience in healthcare is a valuable asset to people who need access to it at the consumer level. do no harm.  When I fell in love with palliative care all those years ago, little did I know I would be a practitioner in real life.  There is no official title but I'm the one who just kind of has enough faith to get up and do it again as long as human dignity is respected.  Otherwise?  I'm not interested.  At that point in time which was ummm....90's maybe?  We we were still not for profit owned by the church that raised me.   I can name just about every chaplain from that military one on through until the sale.  That's when the employees became the chaplains, fo' free on the side.  Trust me, if there's somebody caring for you or your family you want nice folk with empathy. It's a know.  To help people.

The thing I missed most about my suspect internet outage was music blaring while blogging.  We are current until tomorrow when I owe them 30 more UNLIKE their wireless division who has failed to post recently discussed data issues to my account.   I talked to Keiston about it y'all...seriously.  TV is in the BK pile so we could use some movies.  I lost interest in 50 shades after about the first 30 minutes which means I'm pretty old and tired..

No snakes today which is as Martha would say "agoodthing", I reckon.