Friday, April 29, 2016

butt monkeys

That's a term that Mahala coined over in the holler to describe folks who want to meddle, moan and otherwise rain on  somebody's parade instead of focusing on their own business and ugly issues.  It's kind of like the proverb of throwing stones when living in a glass house.  Or walk a mile in another person's shoes, so to speak.  I googled the word micromanager today and found, as I suspected, that it's a management style in business that has a rather negative connotation, and rightfully so.  This style of manager focuses on minute details of a task at the front line level and fails to properly delegate unless things are constantly supervised.  This not only inhibits creativity and growth among team members but actually fosters resentment in both a horizontal and vertical fashion on the power grid.  Wiki said that this style of management is often the by-product of a toxic parent/child relationship that involves conditional love.  When you meet somebody whom you think you can never please?  Run the other way because you will not win.  They are normally very upwardly managing to support corporate goals.  They TRULY believe that if you do a good job and go above and beyond there will be a reward.

News flash kids!   Those days of employee appreciation with perks like raises and recognition banquets are in the rearview.  Now you buy the shirt from them that you are required to wear.  I've had a lot of fun this week being in the patient centered environment but it's pretty physically demanding.  I think I'll buy some new tennis shoes since these are almost a year old.  It looks like the freakin' zombie moors outside the big ass window and it's pretty much the same thing all over.  Sounds like Trumps rednecks are about to get their asses kicked by #liberalrednecks everywhere so that's amusing plus Trae is hot to trot.  Southern Mom is also a sure lmfao in dark times.  If you're gonna rant it might as well be funny and topical.

BG is good and serene and in a safe healthy environment.  So am I as long as I don't have to get out in the mess that is this afternoon.  My body is tired, but more than that I am soul sick.  Someone told me today that I make myself a victim by saying folks pick on me.  There's a difference between taking ownership of a situation and doing better and just saying it's somebody else's fault.  My fatal flaw has been to overextend ME to the point that I'm a hot mess.  Which is, as well all know is #1.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

idol worship

I'm in a dark mood so bear with me for a few.  I have several favorite Jesus tales and one of the top three is that little fit in the temple with the evil moneychangers.  In many ways our society is that way still as in "always thus and so."  But here's the thing about that......Jesus got mad and demanded some justice.  In the end, that was the last thing he got but that's another chapter and verse.  His social activism shines through miracle after kindness and the occasional "don't piss me off" rant.  God will smite thee, you know.  A capitalistic society like ours is a hotbed for privitization of every little thing which increases the corporate budget and cuts payroll locally.  In the last ten years I've seen EVS, Food service and other things handed over to another company to do something we could pay someone well to do and cut out the middle man. That being said, most of them seem much happier than me at this point.

I am a fairly intelligent person so it sort of bothers me when someone fails to take the time to listen to my ideas.  To be summarily dismissed after offering up a valuable opinion is something that took me off guard today.  I'm used to respect for my years of experience not being told to shhhh.  It's just another one of those ways that the Universe sends cosmic vibes at just the right time to spur action.

I'm paying for garbage service and haven't had the energy to even haul the can out to the road in two weeks but now it's there waiting for Friday.  Carrying the can was the last of Daddy's chores to go by the wayside and James Frank did it for him the last months.  I talked with a friend this morning whose parents have long term care insurance running around 6K per year.  The company's payout in contingent on an 18 buck an hour wage for CNAs who make nowhere near that because they're contracted by the insurance company.  They charge you out the ass for the premium and then out the ass for using the service. for them.  That type coverage is out of reach for most folks and can bankrupt even a wealthy family over a period of years.  My experience has been that finding someone recommended by a person you trust for a lower rate saves you the hassle. worked for my parents however I still owe the local rehab about 600 bucks for my dead mother's care.  That will come out of the sale money.

Really?  I'm trying to hard to stay positive but I'm worn ass out.  At this point, anything is possible if we just keep the faith.


Wednesday, April 27, 2016

terrific tuesday

I'm on a different shift this week because a co-worker had surgery yesterday while I was in Jackson.  She is a younger version of me, hippie and all.  What started out as a quiet morning turned into umm, shall we say "one helluva' day" for the old Poopster.  I won't elaborate because HIPPA and all but dayum...give a girl a break.  Everywhere I turned there was a problem and at quitting time I was pulled into an audit type deal when I was absolutely at my worst due to all the drama.  I suppose life had another smack in the head for me to look for greener pastures or just stay the course for a better day.

When I finally rolled into home base I noticed that Ryan had done his magic on the grass and there was a crop duster doing circles over the wheat.  Now I can go outside without fear of Mr. Snake crawling up my pants but there's still the tick thing.  Especially when you sleep with multiple dogs...just saying.  I horrified the audit group by pulling one off the back of my neck and flinging him mercilessly into a cardboard box full of records.  UCMTSU.

Annie and several other folks called while I was busy and I just got off the phone with her.  Our system goes like this:  If she needs to write a note to someone in particular she leaves me a message and then I call her back and let it hit voicemail and spell out the words so that "her help" can do the addressing.  She lives in Austin and they're expecting what the weather channels call a "significant tornadic outbreak" tonight.  Tell me global warming ain't real.

I still have no plan for the critters while I'm on vacay but feel certain I have enough folks to help out.  Since I started this post I've rinsed lathered and repeated and only THOUGHT yesterday was bad until I met today's asshole du jour.  Once again, in the name of privacy, I will only spell out the basics of the situation which involved someone telling me I'm not worth a shit at my job not once but twice.  I've had patients and family members lash out at me before but it never ceases to sting when a random insult smacks me in the face.  This jerk didn't get enough satisfaction from telling me off to my face back so he proceeded to fill the next client in on what a worthless piece of shit I am.  I could tell that the hearee was pretty embarrassed for dude and he told me he was sorry that I got treated like that.  My response was : "I'm sorry you had to see it."  Some people.

The monsoons have begun again and I was dripping wet when I ran in to make a payment on the dryer at GAFCO.  One of the few remaining small town businesses, they offer interest free financing for three months which will usually be doable for an appliance.  Plus, they deliver and haul off fo' free.  Just about every piece of furniture I've bought over the years came from there.  One time I spent 5K in a chunk when we moved to the country.  Guess I should have saved that money for hard times.

  You know when you find yourself in a situation where it's best to just walk away?  Yeah.  Today was one of those for me.  If that mofo only knew how tired and broken I am he would be afraid of a Towanda style PoopieJane fit which is pretty close to a running Stafford one.

Peace be still ~

Monday, April 25, 2016

on the road again

I missed the usual group family time yesterday in Jackson so I headed out today to see my BG for the first time in over a week.  The young lady I found basking in the warm spring morning is pretty much the one I left there but calmer and more centered.  She chose this path herself after hitting multiple walls meaning it just wasn't time for recovery.  It has suddenly become summer like it does in Tennessee after a brief mild spell so she needed cooler clothes and her coloring books.  While I was putting that stuff together I found the last of our Team Janice bracelets from when Mom was in the hospital so I scooped 'em up and each of the housemates is wearing one.  Even from the grave, MeMaw is there with her grandgirl in spirit. We swapped stories with her counselor about how she came to be where she is and as it turns out she's been there since it started 10 years ago.   We pray for serenity and we move forward.

The allergens are brutal right now and I haven't taken any  meds until today except for an occasional bedtime benadryl.  It's Zyrtec time in my neck of the woods.  Claritin does nothing for me nor do any of the others.  I'm also back on occasional dosing of a blood pressure med as needed.  My numbers are almost normal but the top one tends to creep up without a pill now and then.  According to the scales at Dr. J's I've lost five more pounds and that's not surprising in spite of all the funeral food lately.

All you registered voters who are lining up to vote for Hillary or Trump support Bernie no matter what are making my heart sing!  A lot of people have started revolutions, but not many with the ideals that he espouses.  A living wage. Affordable healthcare.  Equal rights.  I'm just saying....when a  Koch bro comes out of the woodwork with an endorsement, think twice because he has something to gain.

Prince is still dead.  It sounds a whole lot like he died of sheer exhaustion since he went for like 160 hours straight before collapsing.  That is not rumor but straight from the mouth of his family.  I respect the way that entire thing was handled with dignity and privacy for those who knew him well.  Fame is one of those things that can fracture a soul because everybody wants a piece of, even claims it!  I knew you when, they say.  I appreciate you more, say the ones who jump on the bandwagon for the ride.  At the end, you best know who's got your back.

I'm not the least bit worried about NOK and the nukes because it has always been thus and so as with ISIS and all them.  Nothing gets solved by invade and only makes more messes.  If I had to choose a way to go, I'd say *nukler would be least of evils if you're right at the center and don't have to freakin' die of radiation poisoning.  Now THAT is some bad shit.  Which brings me around to Zika.

Worldwide we are facing more numerous outbreaks of communicable diseases ranging from Ebola and whatnot to the currently trending mosquito borne virus.  It makes the person sick but the real danger is for pregnant women who are giving birth to babies with severe birth defects.  It took the global health experts a few months to figure out the pattern of what was up and now it's out there for the whole world to catch.  Spray thyself with something organic and non-toxic to fight off all diseases carried by vectors.  That includes ticks which are probably the reason my joints hurt.  Well, that and arthritis.

Peace ~

Saturday, April 23, 2016


It's a part of my daily routine at work to go out on the patient units periodically and that includes the one where both of my parents spent their last months.  It was painful at first so I avoided it.  Now, it just seems like any other spot where people are sick and getting care.  Until today, that is.  I watched as one lady was tended to and how she was struggling and considered why we were there doing what we do, taking into account what I know as the daughter of two who have gone on over.  I felt her daughter's pain as she watched carefully to make sure her mother was gaining comfort with each moment.  I remembered being there with my own parents and wondering when, and how, it would end.  Eventually it did over the span of five months.  I saw my younger brother twice in one year which is a record.  It was cathartic and painful all rolled up into one.  The three of us grew up together on this farm and only the neighbors know what a wonderful little community we had.

There was one little family of sharecroppers who lived just a few yards down from us and I played with the little girls named Georgie and Rosie.  They had an outdoor toilet and such so it was kind of my view into the other side of civilization.  Born in '55, I never had to do that except in an emergency at some great aunt's family reunion dinner.  It stunk to high heaven, especially in the summer.

Our life was pleasantly predictable as my parents were well known and respected by community leaders.  They gave of themselves heartily to the least of these.  When Daddy was still driving he would circle the hood in the dead of summer to take kids out to the New Life Mission Camp so they could fish and do "normal" stuff.  He fried taters and onions at many  charity BBQ benefits, hauling the equipment and veggies around in the back of somebody's truck.  That task has now been taken over by others including our road commissioner.

Mama was a real servant of the church in that social organizing kind of way that was her pride and joy. Every holiday and birthday was an occasion to be celebrated around her table, even if there was always a ketchup bottle in the picture.  Everybody had a cake, and sometimes more than one.  She was just that way and I adored it.  I remember crying as I told her how much I appreciated it and wanted my own daughter to enjoy that sort of thing because hey...I'm definitely not Martha Stewart.  I haven't even sent my BG a card in about five years!  She has, however, gotten other traits from me that will serve her well.  Her MeMaw instilled gracious southern ways into both of our souls.  That includes but is not limited to a Steel Magnolias kind of love.   Mom and Daddy were both supporters of the local volunteer blood program not just because it was my job, but because it's what good people do when they are blessed.  She was instrumental in establishing our home bound communion team.

No news is good news from ISIS.  Just saying.  And as far as I know Prince is still dead  but Elvis is in the building

Soul ~

Friday, April 22, 2016

all in a day's work

You just never know what skills will be required to get through a day at the sawmill and this was no exception.  There is a pneumatic tube system that serves as transport for blood to be tested and it was squealing when I got there this morning at the asscrack of dawn.  It's something I've never worked on because there's always somebody else to do it but this morning it was on me.  After an hour and a half on the phone with help desk people and screwdrivers to no avail, I finally hooked up with the field service guy who told me how to fix the problem, god love him.  Everyone involved was thrilled, especially the ones who were having to walk the stuff over and the FS tech who was on vacay.   Win-win and I learned something new.

There was a thunderstorm during the night that barely woke me enough to see some lightning and hear the downpour.  I was asleep in BG's room because it's darker and cozier there in the back.  Since I was off yesterday I had time to make my brother a batch of deviled eggs which are one of his guilty pleasures.  He bought a couple of pastel plastic egg plates on sale just so I can keep him supplied.  Gotta' stay in good graces, you know.

So, um.  Prince died, evidently quite suddenly on the elevator at his place.  The news for days and weeks will be about his music, his life and how exactly he died including a tox report some weeks down the road. Our fascination as a society with how folks bite the dust is something that gets on my nerves.  Poor Michael, Whitney and all the rest of 'em.  They were great talents who will endure as long as there is music being made.  That being said, they were just people like us who jumped on the merry-go-round trying to grab the brass ring and got lucky financially.  Sometimes that is NOT a good thing.  Fame can be hard on a soul.  Please revisit The Truman Show in that respect.

Hillary slammed Bernie in NY which is no surprise and I'm not sure what the Republicans are up to other than trying to figure out where they went wrong.  Actually they probably did the smart thing by fronting a candidate who has never been a politician except in the game show host genre which is sort of similar.  At least Reagan was an actual actor!

Just talked to BG for the first time in a week and she sounds peaceful and upbeat....sort of like "at home".  Today is payday so I've got to get offa' here and pay some bills before something or another gets shut off.  My single utility bill post windows and doors was a pleasant change and I'm hoping for more of the same.  We shall see.

God grant me the serenity ~

Thursday, April 21, 2016

necessary evils

Getting a Pap smear is right up on the top of my list along with going to WalMart ( which I do not ) or out once I get home from work.  Since I was off today I slept in, took off for the exam and visited with a dear friend afterwards.  She knows me well enough to know that I just needed a head and soul check because, hey...everybody's got some kind of trauma to deal with.  There was a fatal wreck locally last night on a major artery from the burbs to town.  It is a narrow two lane surrounded by hills and extremely curvy in spots.  A real bitch when it rains and is heavily traveled most days.  In the blink of an eye.

In some public service news, I'd like to share risk factors for cervical cancer.   Once a smear is read as abnormal it is tested for HPV and typed by strain.  I found 10 years ago that I was HPV positive from lord knows who but that's beside the point.  If often lies dormant for years and just comes out of nowhere to cause dysplasia.  When that happens smears are repeated to confirm abnormality ( every three months ) and a procedure known as LEAP can be performed to treat the lining of the cervix.  HPV is THE leading cause of cervical cancer and becoming much more aggressive, thus an attempt by big Pharm to vax an entire generation of girls to see if it works.  "It could eliminate cervical cancer" exclaimed my trusty GYN.  Yeah, he's the one who loves Trump and finally gave me nod on Bernie over Hills.  I'm down to once a year, praise the Lord and Dr. J.

Here's another random thing you might want to dwell on to keep your mind off politics and zombies:  5% of the US population donates all the blood products that supply the other 95%. It's kind of like our current economy only it involves something that has never been reproduced successfully by any company.  There were oxygen carrying alternatives to red cells that served well in trauma situations but for the most part it's dependent on who is willing to give their time and blood.  Pheresis donors contribute multiple products at once and receive their red cells back.  The technology is amazing and I started my career before we ever knew HIV or HCV was in the blood supply.  Now, it most definitely is not.  That was the 2nd most chaotic career event when the Lookback started following new test methods.  All on paper y'all.  A whole little village of drug users died here for years after that discover.

The governor of the great state of Tennessee is battling his own over the Bible and bathrooms and I have to give him credit for hanging in there. What a bunch of conservative nit-pickers!  Meanwhile, we could be utilizing the amazing agricultural potential of our state for things like legal marijuana that could boost our economy straight out of poor white Southern with I-40 in the middle.  K'ville is big, Nashvegas and Memphis.  It costs more to live in those places though and the crime is pretty bad.  Around here we have a random shooting when some ex-gang members feels like starting something but that's it.  Well, except for the meth and pill heads who steal everything that isn't put up at night.

I was asked this morning what I'm doing for to better myself.  My replies were simple and quick.  Being still. Meditation.Affirmation.  All of the above.  I got preached at pretty loud yesterday afternoon by Sista' Ro about choosing to be happy today.  She should seriously get up in the pulpit because I'm a believer!  She reminded me that a loss  is something to be grieved and let go of when you remember what the other person would want for YOU.  That helps tremendously.

I stood on the steps of my home church, in the rain across from the hospital where I was born looking for a rainbow.  Across the street sits the former location of my grandfather's service station the 555.  Up the hill on College I passed Mom's home and what used to be the schools.  Somebody had a Ted Cruz sign in their front yard but I let it slide.  I've been told that the people who live in Mama's homeplace aren't very friendly about discussing the history.  That's a shame because I have a handpainted picture of the house by local Artist Floyd Speck that they might like.  In fact I have 2.

I'm slowly hanging art on the Easter egg walls making it "pritty" and stuff.  I walked through the cabin today silently looking at what soon will be gone. It doesn't make me sad anymore.  Neither does hearing that Prince died but that's a whole 'nother story.

Agape ~

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

normal things

My life has been in such a state of chaos for so long that it seems odd to slow down and focus on one thing at a time.  That's always a challenge for an ADD person like myself, and especially so when things are out of whack.  I've become a semi-hermit, by choice, in order to clear my head and create a vision for the future.  Being led is one thing but you have to visualize and manifest and otherwise show up for the party.  Reluctance to change has cost me a lot of opportunity, particularly in my professional life.  NOBODY works 39 years in one place anymore.  I'm almost up to Ms Laura's tenure!

It's nice to have a washer and dryer that work, and some light.  The floors will be done last after everything is shifted around in boxes and whatnot.  There's probably a snake up in one of them, if you know what I mean. It's time to purge, snakes and wasps and all.  Oh, and Asian beetles!  Lily sits in the window right now showing me the way out of the house and to Mexico for lunch with Lil' Patsye.  We have stayed in touch for many years and have a lot in common including our farmer fathers and a love of grande margaritas.  She's married to another long time buddy of mine and they split time between a cottage here and a home in East Tennessee.  She's a retired teacher but he's still hard at it in the rubber industry.    Their dog Sally is the smartest I've seen in a long time.

Babysister and I chatted yesterday and she shared the dinner menu with me as usual.  Her son is home from Thailand so he whipped up a dish for her and brother.   We she talked forever about this and that and shared a story about Mrs. Schlesinger who retired from the haute couture business to Memphis.  It was during that story that it became clear to me that it's only been three months since my mother died and I've lost track of time.

Sometimes that's the only way we make it through the journey of grief and acceptance.


Tuesday, April 19, 2016

instant karma

If only there were such a thing *sigh*.  Were it so?  That asshat leaving the golf course in a huge Ford truck who turned left in front of me at the crossover would be having a flat about now.  I had cruised slowly through the 'burg on the way home to paradise, patiently waving people through the four way stops.  There is less hurry in my life now and that's a blessing.  It had, however been a loooong day and I was about to scoot on across when this jerk smooth cut me off earning him my middle finger on BOTH hands.  I'm just going to rest easy knowing that Big Ernie will deprive him in some way like perhaps no nooky tonight or something.

So between work and work I ran some errands and got lucky enough to be the first check customer of a guy who looked like Tracy Morgan at the 'gentral.  As folks lined up behind me it was obvious that was the case and the supervisor patiently told him how to get it done.  In a perfect world?  We would all have debit cards.  I'm prepping for the big sale by letting go of things here like the two coins I inherited.  One was sold for the gold weight and a silver one went to a collector friend who was generous with his bid.  That covers the cellphone bill without going in the red which is good for the budget.  Win.Win.

It's odd coming home to an empty (exceptfordogsandacat) house.  There is a visit to Jackson in the works for next week  and I picked up a meeting list so that I can get ready to attend.  While I was there the famous Mr. Hal and I caught up on all things BG and 'Noler and I instantly felt a peace that comes from the continuation of a recovering community.  So many times we tend to look at the process as fixing people rather than letting them be who they really are, with boundaries of course.  Abuse or neglect of any sort are not acceptable.  Period.

Lily found a dead cardinal outside and proceeded to devour it in the bathroom yesterday which literally made me want to puke when I heard the *crunch.  I know it's what animals do but damn.  One of the greatest traumas of my adult life was watching my dog kill a cat over a piece of chicken!  Snapped its' little neck and I watched him seizure for a bit.  Then there was the time BG was on the tractor with Daddy and ran over that very same dog!  His name was Joe and I don't have a clue where he came from.   Just call me the stray whisperer.

I'm enough of a country fan to say that right now, my give a damn's busted.  However, Beth Hart and Bonamassa are what's on the playlist.  That just about says it all.

Discovery ~

Monday, April 18, 2016


Thanks to whomever invented ISO and all that crap we have turned into a corporate society of do more with less.  In theory it's a good idea: Get your front line people involved in the process because they know what the daily challenges are and can suggest how to fix them.  Of course the mainstay of being "lean" is that having more people is not an option.  By "leaning" in on the ideas workers at that level, corporate gets a good idea how to work the wrinkles out thereby reducing the workforce.  Sorry, but it's true.  The sad thing is that usually the higher ups parade the folks around like superstars and then walk over them once the task is done.  I've seen it happen in multiple settings over the years.  There is no team as such, just pick your people's brains, trot out some swag and claim one for the company.

I'm not much in the theory of employee management or finance but I have always held that happy customers equal a successful business and to have those satisfied customers your employees must give a shit about the mission, so to speak.  Satisfied employees ( or associates, if you will ) deliver in a way that attracts repeat business because of a good experience by the consumer.  If  your client/customer feels heard and validated and is handled with care, they will return and spend their money again.  When productivity becomes the issue that overrides customer satisfaction, you have a problem Houston.   I am told that a current work practice is to "manage up" meaning the middle managers are to take the mandates set down by administration and figure out how to get the restless mob to swallow it keep the heat off the higher ups who have much more lofty things on their plates.  It essentially cuts out the direct connection between leadership with a possibility of change and those who can make it possible.  In time, the worker bees lose faith in change and possibility and start performing their tasks for a paycheck rather than for the pride that can be found in a job well done.   They do not feel heard, empowered or valued.   Anything that is punitive rule wise serves as another straw on the camel's back.

At one time I was poster girl for Methodist Health Systems Dyersburg branch.  As a lifelong member of the UMC heavily involved in the community I was a familiar face to those who came to us.  Both of my parents served as volunteers there along with throngs of other retired locals.  We had a chaplain in house and a team of volunteer ministers who rotated call with him.  There was community involvement in a way that didn't remotely involve tailgate parties and free chairs.  It kept us kicking as a feeder for the Memphis market until their vision changed to transplant center and a partnership with UT.  That was when the sale happened not of just one facility but SEVEN in West Tennessee.  I was involved in the IS conversion and it was a freakin' nightmare logistically.  The installer of our lab software told me that front liners like me were doing what companies usually paid their people to do.  I'm talking clusterf**k.

Shortly afterwards the chaplain went by the wayside though we were told at sale that the position would remain active for 10 years.   Old timers like me lost half of banked sick hours which was a big chunk. Pension money was frozen if over a certain dollar amount and I'm drawing that slowly post-55.   The volunteers disappeared because the positions of coordinating the whole thing and local PR were either eliminated or combined with other facilities in the "region."  HR took on a lot of it along with every other detail of the workforce until FMLA and mental health were outsourced as well.  It's like pulling teeth to access either so called benefit.

This is a story that can be told time and time again in every 'burg of every state of every country.  When community fails us, we are doomed.  Deals are made on a level way higher than any of us realize between big Pharm, the government and corporate America.  The end result is that even the ACA is not a viable option because of the fact that self employed folks aren't in the loop without paying high premiums and ridiculous untouchable co-pays.  Hell if I didn't work for the place I couldn't afford to go there!  Sounds like I'm working my ass off for insurance and a write off.

The financial crisis that is *right now* has trickled down since 9/11 to almost 4:20 2016.   The war fueled it and the banks backed the whole deal, along with Cheney and his bunch playing big Ike and profiting from a war that destroyed an entire decade of dedicated people in government service.  Even though it pisses me off, I find some peace in understanding how the whole thing went down.  It almost makes me feel sorry for Petraeus but not quite.

Just another Marvelous Monday as Jerry used to say.  He recently retired as a field service tech for several of our analyzers and I miss his joy and his face.  Tomorrow will be Terrific Tuesday according to him.  That will keep me looking ahead anyways.

Faith ~

Sunday, April 17, 2016

martyr in a nutshell

One of the first posts I read today was a piece about co-dependency which is how I define my lifestyle at times.  I am the oldest child and only girl in a family where there were secrets kept on both sides that would later affect my life.   The first big wakeup call was when I read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More from Hazelden.  I was in therapy at the time and beginning to understand that the world indeed was not against me but trying to help me unravel the mess I found myself in.  I was married to an alcoholic who was a terrific person trying to kill his pain.  He later became ten years sober prior to his death and served as a beacon for  a lot of others in the darkness of  rehab.  I was also heavily co-dependent on my parents, even in my thirties, trying to be the good hostess/friend and fixer-of-things that my mother was.  Daddy carried a lot of anger around from a childhood plagued by the poverty of the Great Depression.  We saw it when he got frustrated enough to have a running Stafford fit.  For the most part, he just let Mom deal with me because he didn't have a clue.  I strove to please them even as an adult.

Pnoler's family was like trying to decipher a road map.  Raised by a grandmother and step-grandfather for a check, he grew up thinking that his birth mother was his Sis.  At 18 he was living with his Aunt Nez on Bell street where Clem also ended up....all in Granny's house.  I remember vividly watching a 55 year old Clem die a slow and miserable death from alcoholism in the ICU of where I work.  Same for m Uncle Bill at age 36.  His addiction was not very well hidden, particularly following his divorce.  The girls were little when he died. That was as pure a case of enabling that I've ever seen with hundreds of thousands of dollars going into a black hole that was meant to be shared equally between four heirs.  My mother never quite got over losing her farm with the pecan trees.

 In the workplace I was on fire as a younger woman, always trying to do the best and more for recognition as a professional.  When our long time boss left I decided against applying for the job because I was beginning to realize just how hard it would be on a soul.  He stayed in charge for a couple more years giving us all kinds of grief remotely until Bossfriend had earned her wings by hanging in there through the transition.  She is a better  co-dependent woman than me, just saying.

There is freedom in letting go of the past in that all hurts and grudges can be. if not forgotten at least understood and processed on a learning curve.  You can't just ignore what's happened or is happening NOW ( denial! ).  My grandmother denied the grip that alcoholism had over the fortune that Papa left and she told me late in life that " you might do the same thing if it were you."  Indeed, Gaga.  Indeed.

Having been involved in all points of entry for mental health care including but not limited to hospital, jail and rehab services AND the famous drug court in Dyersburg, I can honestly say that the resources are there for the ones who really want to change.  There is a psych room in the ER with scratches where people have gone apeshit crazy trying to overdose and die.  The  plexiglass window at the jail is thick and unyielding.  Meanwhile, our privatized system of treating drug abuse by funding outsourced prison management makes the legal system a rabbit hole for most.

I am not in denial about the harm that is caused by drugs and alcohol because I've lived it.  That being said, I don't believe that regulation does anything  more than empower Big Pharm with more Panama money.   Particularly in the case of the cannabis industry ( yes, it's an industry now ) there is a lot of fight back from them because they have  LOT to lose if opiates get less popular and they very well could.  Cannabis is a healthy cure for chronic pain bypassing the hook that is opiate addiction.  Crack and coke are relatively harmless when compared to heroin.   If  using a drug that is illegal is enforced, the whole system perpetuates itself.  How many jail ministries can testify to that?

My friend had a pillow one time that was embroidered something like this :  " You gotta wanna." and that's true for just about any aspect of life.  Choosing not to be stuck in a lifestyle that's not healthy and peaceful is a powerful step toward recovery.

One day at a time ~

Saturday, April 16, 2016

carry on

I can't help it ya'll...i'm a product of the seventies and grew up on Kansas and Skynard..  If I had a dollar for everybody who wanted Dust in the Wind at their funeral I'd be on Fiji right now eating bon bons with Sugardaddy.  Alas, it is not so.  I'm stuck here on Pecan Lane cleaning dirty ass floors because of my slovenly behavior for the past few years.

I've talked with several friends today after waking from a Colbert themed dream in which we did a selfie and he had a manbun.  It was not the least bit drug induced I assure you...Just me wondering WTF is gonna happen to this country.  Marti Ann and Lorna and Punkin talked me through the morning until I was spry enough to get out there and dig in the dirt for a bit.  I doubt that the dehydrated peonies will make it but one can always try.  I have two half bales of straw from last year that are sagging mightily and a rose bush full of pink buds, just in time for Mother's Day.  Thank you Ryan and please tell Jr I will stake the asparagus bed before he comes again.

Some guy on a tractor came around while I was out doing a bit of irrigation work over by where the swans used to live, according to Miss Mary who knows her history for sure.  She and Miss Juanita and me went to visit our mayor Mozella after they met Mom and Daddy.  That was a totally random piece of serendipity. I'm not real sure where I'm going but I know where I've been.

I called to tell my accountant friend happy tax day yesterday afternoon only to find that he has two more days of slave labor until the deadline.  Meanwhile his people are at the farm where he totally should be and will soon.  I'm looking forward to the beach and whatnot.  Anything to get the hell away from real life.

I see an early bedtime coming on.  Maybe I can hit all five church services before lunch in the morning.  We shall see ^j^

Friday, April 15, 2016


We overslept this morning just a bit so there was no time for breakfast before hitting 412.  Something told me to check the oil and tires before making a trip and sure was two quarts low.  The guy at Patterson Brothers was under the hood while me and another woman stood around and all of a sudden he yelled "SNAKE!".  Me and old girl went in opposite directions both of us squealing.  Turns out, it was just a little frog chilling under the hood.  And then, we were on our way to the next experience.

So many people think that recovery is all about the user of whatever is addictive, and in many ways it is.  There are traumas to re-live and in the process allow them to loosen their grip on a soul.  Almost always there is something horrible or maybe multiples of horrible that set a person on the road to addiction.  Add the genetic factor in there plus co-dependency and boom.  During the blackout period the client is isolated from all things familiar and asked   expected to adjust to group living.  There is no contact with family, and for family members to visit they must be actively involved in recovery options of their own that include meetings and group therapy.   Memphis was 80 miles away and I only made one visitation during those six weeks because of the distance.  Jackson is much closer.   It's at times like these that I really miss my ex husband.  Ten years sober when he died, he was a rock both to BG and myself.  Now, that rock is gone but there are others to replace him in the recovery community.

There was rain early morning but the clouds are rolling on out to show blue skies.  There is more asparagus which I will watch like a hawk for the next couple of weeks until it's time to let it fern for the season.  Gotta' let Beverly and Patrick know that this is the weekend for it!  I'm still struggling to get this place in order because both corporate and customers will be headed this way in May.  Having light makes it much easier, if you know what I mean.  This  was the longest darkest winter I remember in years in spite of new windows.

Since the 'gentral is right on the way home from JX I stopped in for the basic necessities and found the line snaking back because of an elderly couple one of whom was quite ornery.  This poor girl in front of me was upset because she was late for work so the guy in front of HER let her move up.  He never recognized me but we went to high school together.  A retired teacher, he had the trunk of his Cadillac full of Mountain Dew beaming neon green in the sun..  No hurry, he said.  Nowhere to be.

I miss my parents still and I suppose it will always be thus and so.  I find myself dredging up little memories like Daddy dancing across 5 aisles at Kroger to meet me at the checkout.  Or Mama and that giggle that only BG could get out of her with a faux British accent.  The stuff is sitting there in the cabin...the legacy of their 60 years in one house.  Soon it will be haggled over and sold for pennies on the dollars that bought it.  I have really old things from the family like my great grandmother's chair and settee made of pine.  Another great's rocking chair is mine per the will and that's about it except for the china cabinet that they paid 5 bucks for and refinished.  Gotta keep that memory alive, you know?

As for me and mine, we shall say the serenity prayer and soldier on.  Hope you have a lovely weekend whatever happens your way.  I'll be here on the hill for some much needed time off.

Rest ~

Wednesday, April 13, 2016


Electrician guy is gathering up the stuff from where he put overhead brightness in every freakin' room of this old house and I'm steady flipping switches and hollering "Aha!"  It's the little things, people.  The remodel began the day of Mama's funeral and I returned home from the cemetery to find Scott busy as a one armed door and window hanger.  After that was the painting period where everything got covered in plastic and sprayed like a mofo.  I see Mr. Neely crawling up the lane in his new truck checking on the progress of his boys who are plowing.  It's high gear time for farmers and I have a perfect view of the goings on in front of the ginormous window.  If there's spraying and whatnot, I stay in and experience it virtually under central air.
Car saleslady called today with a proposition that can be given to the trusty trustee to see if I can have a decent car for my golden years.  It's to die for beautiful and RED!   All they can do is say no and tell me to go lower.  It's actually an excellent deal with only 17K miles and one owner who leased.  If I'm gonna' be able to spread the old wings and fly, I must have a decent ride.

Emotions can be tricky and inflection is everything sometimes.  Loyalty and motive, though often questioned are really subjective especially in the business world.  That being said, sometimes it's about more than the money and other evils.  There are people in this world who love justice and the American way, whatever the hell that is.  I prefer to remember it as the best times of my life, not necessarily the richest monetarily but the most memorable.  There have been many blessings in that department.

My beach bum friend returned to the sawmill today with a peeling sunburn from a tropical paradise anniversary trip with his lovely bride.  I just got off the phone with Annie in Austin who never ceases to amaze me with her wit and humor.  We chatted about the state of Babe and every little thing that seemed funny or topical.  My mission in the piles of pictures is to find the one of all the girls sitting on the steps on College hill.

Be the change ~  Kat

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

eight things

You all know me enough to realize that I don't have a clue when I title a post where that title will take me on the keyboard.  It's a little exercise I use by grabbing the thought in my mind at the moment and um, "expounding" on it more or less until my wrists get tired.  I've never tried voice activation but I imagine it would make a good ramble as well.  So much of my ritual is just plain old habit, with the usual ten year old Dell desktop.  My laptops are "in hock" which means they're de-bugged but I can't afford to get them out until payday.  Priorities, and all that.  I'm thinking maybe the owner will take one in trade for payment on the debug of the other.  Who needs two??  Plus, there's the handy dandy paid for a year Word that I installed on both.  Note to self:  call him.

Evidently I hallucinated that cardinal out in the field yesterday because it's still there at the base of a limb.  It's warmer and drier today which is welcome.  We're at that pollen filled time in West Tennessee known as "hard spring" and things are doing their best to go forth and multiply.  I watched a bumblebee fighting ( and losing ) with the picture window and remembered being mean to them with a baseball bat when I was a kid.  Strings too..yeah.

The big money circus is turning into a whole lot bigger deal than most of us could imagine what with all the global hide and go seek with corporate funds.  I always remember in the 80s that the joke was about parking your money in the Caymans...hell even John Grisham wrote a book about it!   As.I.Type. door and window guy showed up with none other than the plumber/electrician who saved us from freezing to death a few years ago.  Long story.  WHAT a miracle!

I see one brave little asparagus spear peeking up but I'm sure there will be more.  This is peak season and usually it's covered in weeds by this time.  Thanks to Jr. that's not the case.  Scott's next project is to figure out how to move the log cabin east up the hill behind the dairy barn.  I have to say I'm excited about that prospect.  The view is awesome and the history is rich.

I can't wait to cast my vote for president or for anybody in the next election because I've never been more of an informed voter in my life.  I have seen what media does to the political process, not to mention the rest of our world and I'm over it.  I will do my own research, ignore ignorant memes and vote with my conscience.  That set of ideals includes equal access to healthcare in a broken system.  It's what Jesus would do, you know?

I met the cutest little boy today who was telling his daddy all about the cat in his book and being adorable all the way through his ordeal which can be scary at times.  His mom was a pro too, running interference to keep him occupied and not the least bit scared.  That kind of stuff just makes my day.

I'm out of things so it's time to venture out and check on the peonies.

Monday, April 11, 2016

baby face

I met a new co-worker today who will become part of the team shortly.  We chatted on his interview day and he seems very nice and VERY young which is the way of MBAs I suppose.  He looked all bright and unsuspecting about how the whole deal works and will no doubt be given projects of great importance in his flag pin filled future.  Really nice guy, by the way.  Meanwhile, we mosey along taking care of the sick and dying and doing a damn fine job of it.  We love every minute of it when it's not crazy as batshit.  I got a couple of calls last night from crazyland and rolled back over knowing all was well.

We still have no overhead light which makes cleaning kind of hit and miss.  Plus the no asparagus thing.  The rains have parted all day sparing us while the south got hammered and now it's settling in for the soak.  The neighbors got more garden planted according to FB pics.  I'm craving yellow squash like a mofo and would love some tomatoes to grill with them.  Of course my lazy ass will plant it, pick it and then procrastinate until it's too late.  Like WITH THE ASPARAGUS!!!

The sale is set and the lady in charge said "she will see" where I live and if my stuff fits into her plan.  I just said..."nah...I got this."   The dining room is almost empty and getting mopped daily because it has taken the bulk of pet/construction/general slovenliness for several years.  I am cleaning house in more ways than one, slowly letting things unravel so that they can be rewound into a new tapestry.  Art is life, you know.

I'm actually getting a gut again because I eat more regularly than before when running here there and yon in the Camry.  From what I understand to get a better vehicle, I must approach the trustee and ask how much I can afford to pay.  I have a little money coming later but that's for the beach and rent so umm.  We shall see.  I do know that I never EVER  want to be in the throes of predatory lending because those high interest little shacks of promise ( and not to forget CITI ) ended me in BK for the second time in my life.  The first was all on plastic and an easy but expensive deal.  Now?  Not so much.  I will be out from under it a year before  official retirement age.

There is a female cardinal sitting in the field all quiet and still   The redbirds are messengers from Daddy to me about taking flight while staying grounded with family.  Birds are funny like that, and people too sometimes.  I miss him now in the spring because he loved the land so, always anticipating a good crop of whatever he could get into the ground.  We had every freakin' veggie known to man all fried up in a greasy iron skillet with cornmeal.  Purple hull peas...he even had his own peasheller...electric!   My first money making opportunity was a partnership with my brothers on Mr. Quinn's strawberry patch at 10 cents a quart, you pick 'em.  We made a bunch of money for back then.

Hope your Monday has been manic or merry, whatever makes you happy ~

Sunday, April 10, 2016


Yesterday afternoon I found myself sitting on the john talking to yard guy jr. through the screen window about what to chop.  "Don't get the asparagus again!" I pleaded.  He asked where it was and I told him then he promptly mowed over it again.  Yard guy 2- Asparagus 0.     His boss  is a good friend of the family and Jr doesn't know any better so there you go.  Later I visited the estate sale ladies doing their thing with all Mama's stuff.  I had planned on taking more down there but it's packed out as is.  I'll probably have to divert some traffic up my way since the house is presentable now.  It doesn't seem like home anymore down there, which is a good thing because it's time.  Mom has been gone from there since September of last year, and Daddy since July.  I feel blessed that we've had the luxury of these months from corporate to sort through the history.

I am restless  most of the time, not sure what the "problem" is but going with the flow.  Last year around this time I was pimping the spawn of Chester who begat 10 puppies with Ryder.   Pete and Carol adopted one of the puppies and named her Maggie Mae.  The two of them are inseparable and come around to visit on occasion.  It takes a village around here, you know?  Meanwhile, there's some kid running the land like really fast on a four wheeler and that's not cool.  I will tell him next time he's out and about.  Mia is 10 years old and drives hers like a turtle.

I think the restless feeling is about not knowing what the future holds.  The barriers that I allowed to keep me tied to this town are gone like the wind.  It is a nice little 'burg with a good school system and shitty economy.  There is NOTHING for millenials here.  Occasionally we get a new industry in a building where one went out but there is no new construction or even much interest in locating here.  The traffic from 412 and I -55 boost the economy somewhat but it's all concentrated in that particular area which is a nightmare to navigate.  When I was growing up, everybody knew everybody and where they worked.  Now? Not so much.

I'm still not over Merle Haggard, or even Dale Earnhardt for that matter.  I remember my mom calling me the day he hit the wall and was gone forever.  It was the first race if I'm not mistaken.  NASCAR is something I pretended to like when I ran with fans.  Honestly, nothing seems more boring to me than watching cars on a track.  In Cheeto colors!  There's a drug dealer locally who has a Cheeto car and I'm like "dude..." are you asking to be noticed???   Some people's kids *smh*

A couple more of my co-workers are retiring soon, following in the footsteps of the Little General and Ellyn.  Med techs are extremely hard to come by because nobody much goes into the field.  Functions of  lab employees are being taken to the bedside more and more often with point of care testing performed by nurses.  Finding qualified people to do what we do and do it well is a tough game for corporate.  As other facilities close and folks  shift around the region, I wonder how it will end up by my own retirement date.  Come on Sugardaddy... bring it.

We are expecting a new baby cousin at any moment in the form of Olivia James Caldwell.  She will be beautiful and well looked after by older brother Charlie.  These folks are my family and that will never change as long as we live.  Mo has been  through all of it with my brothers and I  and cemented her spot as Mama's girl.  And she is named after Janice.  She shares mama's love of entertaining and has a wonderful career in the hospitality industry.

Yesterday afternoon the dogs went nuts and I looked out to see a turkey in the middle of the straw picking around like they do.  You just never know around here!  One morning last week I was met by several deer as I passed the golfcourse road.  It's really kind of like living in the center of a wildlife refuge which is way cool.

Grace ~

Friday, April 8, 2016

as long as you're happy

It's been a hard week on a lot of levels which I won't go into because it's beer thirty and that makes me go on and on.  It's still cool and breezy so I'm hunkered in front of the huge picture window overlooking the dairy barn and asparagus bed. the propane tank. It's surrounded with fence wood and autumn clematis that my parents gave me ten years ago for my birthday.  You seriously cannot kill that shit.  My friend Darlene came out once to get a scoop plus some buttercups and I'll bet they're still blooming in Lauderdale county.  We worked together, back in the day.

We moved into this old house in April of 1988 when BG was almost four.  Noler worked at the rubber plant and kept long hours there on OT in the carbon to help us maintain a lifestyle that we both enjoyed.  Nothing pleased him more than to come home from that filthy ass plant and go fishing in the slough across the road called "the riverbed."  He and GeneO got dumped from a boat back there one time and had to go fishing for Gene's gun.  I think there was a log involved and probably a turtle or snake or two.  Memory fails me.  I've spent thousands of hours in the Camry just driving up and down and all around the sandy banks that surround Calcutt Farms.  Once upon a time I had a boyfriend who drove 80 miles to see me and had an ATV plus a beautiful brown dog chocolate lab.  It was love at first sight for both Faith and myself.
Faith and Beau would run behind us on the four wheeler while we explored turkey tracks and deer.  There were bass there on one particular day while I was walking around looking for ferns and whatnot.  We collected grapevine which still grows on the elm out back.  When I'm pissed off I chop it with Daddy's clippers.  I prefer not to do that anymore because my joints are failing.  Perhaps I should pick up some glucosamine?   Daddy was a fiend for it along with saw palmetto and every other little thing on the schedule.  Mom had to have the eye vitamins and all that CHF and COPD stuff.  Medicare and BC/BS retired federal employee version paid all of it directly to providers as long as the premiums were deducted from their income.   I hate to be the bearer of bad news but those days are " no more" as Old Horsetail Snake would say.

I'm content for the first time in years...though not in a way that I think I've got the world by the tail.  Faith has led me this far in life even when things seemed impossible.  As a spiritual sort of gal, I look to the Native Americans for guidance because they're the ones who really got the shaft, not anybody since then.  As a people of many tribes, they were rounded up and offered reservations with casino employment as a career option.  That is seriously not cool when they shared corn and turkey all those years ago.  But that was then and this is now.

The great country of USA is at a turning point.  The systems that govern our lives are all in the bed with big money while the rest of us struggle to make ends meet.  I have a college degree that I worked for and don't make much more than a living wage.  I cannot imagine trying to survive on minimum. Corporate America demands that everybody be drug free and felony free just for the privilege of working at the 'gentral,  They are convenient but they are "the devil" just like WaltonWorld.

We shall overcome ~ MLK

Thursday, April 7, 2016

spoon fed

I hate grocery shopping but it had to be done so there I went Krogering after work yesterday.  When you have a big load you better be good at the self check or the attendant will have to stand right there by your side.  I can't imagine how many folks like my parents try to go through there and don't have a clue.  My brother passed by on his way to clock out and smirked at me with a comment that the bottom was about to fall out.....which it sure as hell did right as I walked through the door.  Two other more patient ladies stood under the canopy waiting for it to pass but I pulled that Camry up to the curb and loaded it up.  I was about to figure out how to lift 50 pounds of dog food when an angel of a kid showed up in a yellow raincoat offering his help.  You don't get that kind of attention at Wallyworld, just saying.    BG then proceeded to unload the haul while I dried off.  Monsoon, kids.  Freakin' monsoon!

The power was out when I got here so we sat in the dark and quietly chatted about random things while we unpacked.  It's a relationship that we've grown into with she teaching me to be more organized and me trying desperately not to be a slob.  Slobs DO NOT find sugardaddies.  She had called me at work to tell me about Merle Haggard which was noteworthy, to say the least.  When the Beatles and James Taylor start dying, y'all just bury me too.

Asparagus is back up and at it thanks to a warm spell.  The mowing really did help so I'll have to send yard guy a thankyou note.  I'm sharing this delicacy with the neighbors who have rescued me on more than one occasion.  Carney made some pimento cheese for brother and I so there's that little blessing.  I invented this thing one time with asparagus and crescent rolls plus turkey and cheese.  They were cute and a pain in the ass to make so of course that's what she asked me to make for her bridge club.  I helped her serve them, these friends for years, and learned about them only later in life when I started paying attention to her history.
One of my only regrets about things is that I never managed to get that cookbook back in print while she was alive.  I remember her telling me to time it where they'd be ready for Mother's Day gifts.  I still have the original books and it will happen.  I'm just not sure when.  As long as people are sick and dying,  it will probably have to be put "On the Back Burner."  I re-read my brother's eloquent piece written following Mama's death as I have done several times before.  It helps me to let go of the pain to remember that it was as good as could be expected in the middle of a blizzard when your Mama's dying and you're 12 hours away..  All of my co-workers were moved to tears.

Meanwhile, Rome burns I just reckon.  Not much active ISIS coverage so there's that to be thankful for.  Plus #bernie is putting on the gloves over the bank thing.  GET EM!!!!!!!!   I'm dying to find out the linkage of those US corporations out of the Nevada branch of Panama.  And right around election time!  What's been good with the Democratic race is that they have kept each other accountable.  Poor Mrs. Bernie forgot to submit a tax return and she gets her knickers in a twist.  Get over your bad self MS. Pac.  What's really ironic is the way the whole conservative bunch is regrouping on Trump.  They're all like "Umm" but then their only alternative is Cruz who is just as bad in a different way.   They have no viable candidate experience and support wise.  All of is being funded by previously mentioned superpacs.

Purple iris are blooming around the mailbox down at Casa Grands and they're gorgeous.  They came from somebody's yard I'm sure, just like all the ones I have.  Lorna left some last year when she was snowed in and had a heart attack here ( UCMTSU ).  My poor little straw bale garden is pretty sparse and the budget doesn't look good for more straw.  Hopefully Billy Jack will plant some sweet corn.  That's always a nice thing come July.

Chillax y'all ~

Monday, April 4, 2016

drama mama

LORD have mercy how quickly a day can turn on a dime.  One minute things were manageable and then boom* it was hell on wheels.  It happens like a gas fire up in there sometimes!  Sick people needing care don't necessarily come in any order unless they're critical.   We have tons of walk in diagnostic traffic from corporate physician's offices in addition to inpatient care.....all according to "the book" which is also known as Joint Commission standards.  They are scary in a non-specific hard to meet sort of way when the process depends on the objectivity of the survey team.  I've worked with good ones who seek real improvement and others who were intent on making somebody's day miserable because they could.

The punitive nature of government involvement in healthcare is responsible for much of the cost in the form of fines..  When I started working in the local blood bank honest to god chicken inspectors did surveys for the FDA.  lerd.   There is a story of great historic significance related to my career as a blood banker.  I hated it in clinicals because all we did was process units for storage.  Like LOTS of 'em!  It was in the scary ass basement of John Gaston which was a horror movie setting at some point in time.  Now?  It's The Med.  They are the trauma place to be and also childhood disease stuff like at St. Jude and LeBonheur.  MHS and Baptist are still in a pissing match over the "market" which is a shame because they are representing churches.

When I ended up back at home after the boyfriend dumped me and started at Parkview, lab still had blood gases and EKG.  And autopsies!  Our boss assisted the Cuban du jour with his handy saw and a cig hanging over somebody's grandaddy.  I'm telling you, it was straight out of Quincy.  Never a big liver eater, I haven't touched it after that day.  I decided then it was better to work among the living and try to save a life or something.  You know, help people.

So I became the transfusion service supervisor within a couple of years.  The refrigerator was the ancient round kind and our blood was delivered from Memphis by bus from 80 miles away.  Let's just say you better call ahead because you're looking at six hours minimum.  At that point a man named Jack Smythe of Jackson Tennessee was the director of their independent blood center known as West Tennessee Regional. He was big on recruitment in the communities they served and a local program began with much preaching and pleading by Willis G Gilliland the Dyer County Volunteer Blood Program was born.  Both of my parents were right there in the middle of it.  Willis was on the board that hired Jack's replacement Joe from umm...Saudi Arabia or something??  He had been the director of a royal blood bank there and his wife is one of us as well.  They are retiring to the "high desert" soon and I'm thrilled for them.  Our work relationships have been such that I could call on either of them at any time with a stupid question.

I can say the same about Linda Colebank of MHS.  She was part of a team who converted us from total paper to Sunquest when the West TN Seven got bought.  Their server in Memphis crashed for a week.  The printers had gears holding four ply forms.  But once the bugs were worked out?  It was totally backed up and paperless.  I miss those days, seriously.  When acquisition becomes a means to an end for a company, somebody will pay.    And then there's good old Amy P in Jackson, god love her.  We really are just a village, you know?

I have a day off finally to sleep in past daylight which I enjoy on occasion.  There may be some Cracker Barrel breakfast with a gift card and some car looking at.  Whatever happens, I won't be in charge because I'm past all that, as they say.

 Faith ~

Sunday, April 3, 2016

trickle down

The landlord just came by to collect rent and for the first time in months, I'm a dollar short.  The latest utility bill was quite a bit lower so I'm hoping that trend continues.  That savings will pay for the increase in monthly rent for the improvements.  The plan is to have them paid for in five years.  Not sure where I'll be then the way things are going.

So, okay...let me get this straight.  According to Krugman Bernie needs to "be responsible".  A whole boatload of rich Icelanders are just a tip of the iceberg in that big 2008 financial meltdown.  And you thought it was just us!  Put that together with Halliburton and Citi and you've got a whole helluva' lot of little fish propping up the status quo.  Enough, people.

I have no investment in my company's retirement because A. I can't afford to contribute and B. I don't trust the market.  There are too many moneychangers in between here and Wall Street and on into the Euro sector.  Throw in the Caymans and Switzerland and voila!  There is a reason that Snowden is still trapped in Russia and that is because he told our country's dirty little secrets.  For him to be holed in with USA enemy #1 is irony in its' purest form.  You are my hero man...and also GG.  When you lose your will to inform people when you KNOW what's going on?  You're an accomplice if you don't speak out.

Here's how I see ISIS and bear with me for a moment.  Like my daddy says "it has always been thus and so" over there.  However, what we have in operation now is a lot of network terror cells spread all over the world.  Many of the fighters are ex-pats of this country or another who watched how Iraq, Afghanistan and Syria played out.  I distinctly remember being against a bid to overthrow what's'his'name because it would mean more money spent on the defense industry.  Seeing how Cheney and his bunch raped us over a ten year period We should probably rethink intervention.  We spent trillions of dollars on a war that wasn't even our home turf and damaged a lot of  people in the process.  It is what it is.   And why is this?  Because how dare they fly under our (unattentive) radar and blow up everything that means money central USA.

It still seems like yesterday that I penned a tribute to one of the many victims of that attack on 9/11.  His name was Neil Levin and he was a high roller in a lot of ways including directorship of the Port Authority.  He was friends with the governor having served as a banking industry executive for the state of New York.  I remember all these things distinctly because it touched me how privileged his life had been.  Ivy League education and a house in the Hamptons, I feel sure.  He was honored, along with the other souls who perished there, in an online publication by DCRoe.  And you know what?  It's still there.

Anybody who has doubts about the current political climate should go back and remember years gone by.  It all makes perfect sense to me now.  Honestly, I'm not worried about the Donald.  I figure one of his redneck followers will misfire a gun and kill his ass.  Of course then we'd get Cruz and his ugly mug.  Whatever happened to Rubio by the way?  Bernie needs to get those tax records done ASAP because it's what real men do.  Of course Hillary is dogged by the email/Benghazi crises for the rest of her freakin' life so there you go.  The state of our union.

I felt prayer coming my way today as I stumbled through another shift at the sawmill.  My weekend partner is leaving for his first anniversary trip to an exotic location and he offered to put me in a trunk and let me sleep on the couch.  Umm.  Not long now for this old girl.  Mom's friend Annie still calls every day or so and that's a real comfort.  So is Dell whom I reached out to yesterday afternoon because, frankly, I was about to come unglued.  It felt good just to listen to HER story instead of mine for a change.  We talked about forgiveness and letting go because that's what J would do.   There's a story behind all that but I won't go into it.

Freedom ~

Saturday, April 2, 2016

the view

Well, it's chilly again but beautifully sunny and bright.  I noticed everybody stepping a bit lighter than during the past few days of dreary thunderstorms.  The Forked Deer popped right back up following two downpours but not over the road this time.  Meanwhile, the lower 540 will be mud until June or so.  Trust me, I've gotten stuck enough times to know.  I used to LOVE driving down the dusty field roads to the riverbed and often found Joe Wood and Ernest down there in the shade casting a line.   Gotta' picture of them somewhere, but as usual I couldn't put my finger on it of you threatened my life.  It's the ADD curse you know.

HuffPost has broken a story about big banks turning big oil tricks which doesn't surprise me a bit.  And it's not just THIS country involved but the entire world of asshats who want us to remain dependent on their carbon..  Meanwhile, the CIA guy wrote a book about how Obama is the reason ISIS is winning ( just paraphrasing, there ) and  I did not miss the not so subtle mention that none other than Petraeus is one of his fans.  That entire deal smacks of partisan politics and they think we're too stupid to see it.  Kiss my butt.

Have you ever missed somebody who's still in your life?  I mean like, the way they used to be.  It happens sometimes like with divorce and whatnot.  I was talking to a "guy about a car" this week and he told me straight up honestly that his ex's hubby is a great dad to his kids which I thought was a man-up kind of thing to say.  As for wifey, he was glad he has her too.  The car deal will be protracted because of BK but worth it in the end to get mobile.

Hmm..what else.   OH yeah!  My 2nd favorite beer store got burgled up at Four Points the other night but had no cash and the ATM wouldn't give so they just made a mess and got their faces on tape.  Hoodlums that nobody recognizes most likely.  On the way home I noticed that the demolition site downtown is cleaned up and looking all ready for something spectacularly grantish.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm all for downtown improvement but when the southern route to downtown floods on a regular basis, something needs to be done to the lay of the land, so to speak.  It ain't rocket science.

Otherwise, it's unicorns and rainbows ~

Friday, April 1, 2016

work it like you own it

My friend brought me a book today titled Motherless Daughters, one that had been shared with she and her sisters when their mother died years ago.  The author was young when her mother passed and went through all the bittersweet times without a mom.  Her dad was left with kids he knew nothing about raising because he was a typical Cleaver type wage earner where the lady of the house took care of all that.  What little I've read convinced me how lucky I am to have had my mother in my life during things like college, weddings and birth of the babygirl.  What an empty spot that would be in a girl's heart.

I have long been an advocate for end of life care improvements, especially when further intervention and treatment is futile.  When I first started studying it was almost impossible to get a doctor to have that conversation with a patient until all options were exhausted.  My years in an acute care setting along with office experience in POLs, particularly with cancer patients, has been a study in the hamster wheel of modern medicine.  At least fifteen years ago I sent a proposal to the oncologist for whom I worked that included formation of a support group for patients and families.  That never happened under his watch because his was a "traveling" clinic on a mission from Shelby county.  Looking at it ethically, a physician who has a financial stake in prolonging life is probably a conflict of interest for those kind of patient care decisions.  Family members want the patient to "keep trying and praying" when in fact they are almost always sick.  Miss Ann is a prime example and KK still says she wishes she had urged no chemo and let her mama play bridge the last three months of her life.  It is extremely hard to have the courage to say "no more" especially on someone else's behalf.  Been there, done that.

A couple of conservative trolls took to bitch fighting with my liberal friend after he defended my post about EW and Colbert.  Another friend jumped in to stand up for Warren so there was that.  Remind me to block the cut and paste idiots and send sparkly karma to John and Jim.  Geez man.  ISIS is hanging out with Belgian nuclear guys and you're trashing a non-presidential candidate?  Get over yourself.  Sometimes I wish I didn't take such a broad view of the world, constantly seeking information to form opinions.  It would be a lot  more fun to watch Wheel of Fortune and forget about the world but umm......

Today is not only April Fool's Day but the first of the month which means it's time to say "Rabbit Rabbit!" which is a Vicki and Hoss thing from wayyyyyyyyy back.   I've seen quite a few and spared their lives on early morning trips to the sawmill this week.  Everybody is beyond tired and the sick people just keep on coming.  I suppose it's the nature of the beast which is all the more reason to shift healthcare money toward prevention and wellness with a side of mental health.  Diagnostics are fine in moderation.  As a money maker they are a definite non/patient satisfier when the staff is overworked.  Go ahead.  Dooce me y'all.  Stress related disease is a thing and we treat it 24/7.

With that being said, I'm still not a charge nurse nor do I want to be.  I am not a nurse as all my many nurse friends will testify though I have helped them wipe butts and catch call lights.  We know each others' initials by heart for documentation and we take care of each other and our village.  That's what teamwork is about  in my book and it is a tribute to a lot of fine healthcare providers locally.  I'm proud to be one of them.

I'm working this weekend so stay away from the ER if at all possible.  If you can't?  We will hook you up.

Well ~