Monday, August 25, 2014

dance in the graveyard

Like many folks I have spent a fair amount of time considering how I would like for my life to be remembered when I'm gone. I've spent so many years attending funerals with piped in sacred music that I know for a fact that's not how I wanna' go. I am a member of a local church so I suppose that pastor would have to do the honors even though he doesn't know me from Adam. Come to think of it though, it doesn't even have to be a formal "minister" and I believe I have a couple of friends who know me well enough and are spiritual enough to carry things forward. Over the years my picks for preacher and pallbearers and songs have changed a lot, mostly because I plan to be cremated. With that in mind I can picture an informal gathering of loved ones gathering on the bluff behind the dairy barn and slinging those ashes in the wind all over the farm and back to dust. I'm pretty sure one single pallbearer could handle a box of ash.

Mourning is something that all of God's creatures do in some form or fashion. Most of the time when you speak of grieving a loss it seems to involve a specific person. In actuality, we are all in a constant state of change and grief as life giveth and taketh away. I've mourned for parents not yet gone but who depend on me to be safe. My heart aches over betrayals and the loss of certain truths. When I entered therapy at the age of 32 I remember vividly Bev bringing out a discussion on me being with my grandmother as she died a few years earlier. Her words were "Sometimes grandmas hang around for a long time." The stages of grief were proposed by EK Ross the wise and wonderful author of many books and programs outlining humanity. Denial.Anger.Bargaining.Acceptance are terms that are now used in most every grief support setting. Something that I have noticed for myself is that the process is much more manageable when the loss is not sudden. In that case, the process starts long before the loss actually happens as we adapt to each day's new reality. In any case, it seems that about four years is the span after which it's not such a heavy burden for me personally. This is why experts advise not to make any major financial decisions following the death of a family member. Pain can overtake common sense, if you know what I mean. My mother the brilliant one began a grief support group at our church many years ago. That was one of the many ministries in which she was involved. She and a group of others began delivering homebound communion to shut-in members. Now, she is a recipient. The unbroken circle of being a caring loving soul.

Two weeks from tomorrow I will turn 59 which is just a skip away from SIXTY...Lord, how did that happen? Here's how. I was born the eldest daughter of Billy and Janice on September 9, 1955. Growing up in the country was both a bane and blessing for me but I sure as heck did hightail it back out here when I got the chance. My daughter was 4 years old then and we were five years prior to divorce #1. She grew and flourished as the only child and grandchild around. Things got dark for her at an early age which I never realized until much later. I worked, he worked, we played when we had time. There were a couple of family beach vacations to Gulf Shores before it got blown away. We ran with people who had kids her age and partied when there was time. We divorced again when she was a senior in high school.

Eleven years later I am a single "middle" aged gal with a huge chunk of debt and no boyfriend. That is probably a lot of my own doing because I want one when I want one but then I want him to go away when I need alone time which is often. You would think there'd be a huge demand for that kind of relationship considering guys and their space issues. You got a man cave? I say yay for you AND your woman. I haven't lived alone for more than six months at a time in my entire life. My four puppy dogs keep me in real good company and don't cheat on me! I am slowly recovering from an injury that happened in February of this year. It has not been fun and I realize now that my body is feeling its' age and can't do what it used to. That's a loss right there but I'm learning to adapt and grow in other ways. I pray that I don't lose my sight like Mama did because then how could I blog?

I'm pretty sure there's an app for that. Peace and love ^j^

No comments:

Post a Comment