only the lonely

Life has been pretty upbeat lately so I was caught off guard when silent tears started to roll while I was working today.  I have no idea what triggered it...some random passing sadness over not having much family anymore.  It was probably the thought of my beautiful niece perched on her Daddy's knee playing with heirloom dolls.  I miss who we were once....a close knit bunch who gathered for any and every holiday and birthday at the red log cabin.  Or chatting with my sick as a dog BG where I have to "call her right back " to save on the phone card she uses.  It could just be that the week of relaxation at the beach has already worn off.  My tank was so below empty at that point it just brought me up to even.  

My washer is broken again with a new motor ordered to arrive who knows when.  The toilet overflowed this morning so there are towels everywhere in the bathroom floor and will remain there because I'm not out yet so there you go.  I'm getting all kinds of emails from the car places I've visited wanting to know what's up when in fact they are the ones who dropped the ball.  All I need is one finance manager who knows the ins and outs of dealing with a trustee and I'd be fine but getting to "that" person is like wading through minions to get to the wizard.

It's all in God's time, and I know that.  It doesn't mean I can't cry when I'm sad though.  Or tired.  Or discouraged.  I'm not even concerned about the election anymore because the whole thing seems rigged by two parties who both have a lot to gain.  I so had hope for something different for we the people.  

In the UK there was an analysis of the giant screw up floated by Dubya and Blair who have both moved into their golden years without a care while the entire world struggles in the aftermath of the decision to invade Iraq in 2003.  It made me sick when it happened and makes me sad still.  Basically the Allies invaded and plundered where it was none of their business except to protect oil.  The huge financial investment in military equipment and construction that was made during those years led to a post-war atmosphere where vets can't get decent healthcare after serving our country.  And just for the record, HRC voted yes on the invasion.  Bernie said hell no.  

I suppose if we actually learned from history, it would be worth all the heartache but that never seems to happen.  I stopped at the chicken store this morning on the way in and noticed some searching by a couple of employees and some guys in the parking lot.  Mr. Gene came up from the search with a beautiful kitten trying to get me to take it.  Heh.  If he only knew!  As I pulled away the tiny little thing hid behind a garbage can.  Scared to death, she was.  

I know that feeling well which is why I don't leave home much except to work.  And if I could do it from home, I wouldn't even go there!  I used to think it was agoraphobia but now I just see it as being in my happy place here on the hill.  The quiet, though calming, is sometimes deafening.  I can't stand a lot of background noise anymore while having a conversation because it distracts me.  I'm in a cable contract for 2 years and haven't turned it on in two weeks.  Live and learn I reckon.

If I did not do self care through blogging, I would probably be in a padded room somewhere wailing like a banshee.  When I'm up, the blog is light and happy and sometimes downright cocky. When I'm not, I go back to the first three steps and start all over.

This too shall pass ~