another grocery run

Ever since BG has been in Jackson our outings have been limited to trips to Kroger during our visitation.  We talk on the phone about what's important so it's just good to have face time even if it is wandering around with a cart listening to piped music.  It's time for me to hit Bubba's gas pump because I've got a pile of fuel points and today was double!  She's packing to move into the next house which means no visits for two weeks, AKA blackout.  We've done that before, without the phone contact so it won't be so difficult this time around.  

Several folks came by Casa Grands yesterday while I was working and even spent some money.  I got a call from picker Bill today wanting something he saw.  He's not well, but said he'd be here soon to get them.  I love knowing where all these pieces are going!  It's like keeping them in the family only without the clutter.  

Daddy's burial flag was one of the things I brought home, along with other odds and ends that nobody would notice but me.  My mother's crystal ringstand.  It sat on her dresser until the day she left there in September.  August 1st of 2015 was the day my doctor friends told me to leave him alone after a week in ICCU struggling to breathe.  It was a seamless transfer to the family room where we all spent our final hours with him. Until the drugs got adjusted, he still had trouble breathing.  Right before that is when he told me he wanted to die.

Our of the original pack of guys he ran with, there are very few still living.  One by one these icons have passed onto glory with him waiting there for him.  I hear another one is in transition.  The circle of life, y'all.  

I saw the ONLY other Bernie sticker besides mine on a bumper at the store in Jackson.  That made me smile thinking of all those  months ago when I got my freebie and slapped it on that Camry.  This man has done for American politics something that needed to be done for a long time....he shook up the establishment.  I respect him and will follow his lead.

The lack of a reliable car is getting to be a pain in the ass, so to speak.  I literally pray every time I hit 412 and count off the kazillion roads named after people that line Crockett and Madison counties.  I know where every pit stop is and actually made it today without having to stop.  Little miracles abound.

By the time I pass Jim Rice's place with all the green and white I know I'm almost home.  Just past there is the road leading to Friendship proper where my friend Cathy lives.  Bonicord is next, then Tigrett.  Lauren moved into a  house right there at the exit on Ashley Road for a week before the shit hit the fan.  And you know it always will, when you least expect it.  

Keep smiling....keep shining ~

like a trojan

I woke up pretty early even though I was up 'til midnight.  The gentral opens at 8 so I hit them up for some wet swiffers and headed on down to Casa Grands for a very long session of sweat and no tears.  It ain't perfect but you can walk in there now.  With all the distracting things gone, the logs are clearly visible and looking like they might not make it up the hill.  Bobby Dean helped me move out what I wanted and I commenced to clean like a motha'.  I spent way too much time peeling stickers off glass if you know what I mean.  

I now have possession of a chest made by my father the hard way with fairly modern tools.  BD found his name scribbled on the wood inside.  Oscar went for a road trip and even got to come in the house for once.  Daddy would have never allowed it because they'd be fighting from the get go.  I found a picture of his favorite dog Rip that i had taken and framed for him.  Funny how that stuff comes back around.  Being a cattle man he always favored border collies.  

As for me and mine...we will remain faithful.

money for nothing

For the second time in a month I was approached in a convenience store parking lot by a guy whom I recognized right off the bat as he approached me.  He targets folks as they're leaving the store and gives them a big sob story about his wife and kids who are never anywhere to be seen.  First time he got me at Casey's and claimed his car was broke down on the interstate and the babies were FRYING out there in the heat.  He almost had me but the radar went off when he said he wanted the money for an alternator.  His partner parks by the gas pump while he works the crowd and then they move onto the next adventure.  I spotted him immediately today so was able to get a plate # off the small silver SUV.  

I jotted down the number and proceeded to visit the DPD to pass on the info.  Dispatch was quite familiar with the MO and plate number but a nice young red headed cop interviewed me anyway because I took the time to come in.  Since I've had not one but two encounters I was able to give a pretty good description. Even knowing all that, I felt a twinge of guilt but figured if he is sincere and needs help, the boys in blue will help him with local resources.  These are the kind of folks who troll churches they've never entered for "help" with utility bills and rent.  Sad, but true.  It's a con game consisting of living off of the good will of others.  Jesus doesn't like that one bit.  While I was waiting for the officer I found a framed photo of my Uncle Bud on the wall from when he was chief of police.  

There is already chatter about the sale and several inquiries which is fine by me.  In my dreams, the good stuff would be gone by the sale date and we'd just load the rest of it on the trailer.  There are several very nice pieces to be had including a thousand pound dining room table that's solid wood.  

Yesterday gave me a chance to get a little organized so that the weekend can be mine.  I'll be going to Jackson on Sunday and catching up with Mr. Hal tomorrow.  I have food in the frig, made it to the gas pump at the chicken store this morning without running out and enjoyed a decent day at the sawmill.  For all of these things and more, I thank you Big Ernie.

Let us keep the faith with all our hearts ^j^

brain dead

Due to the kindness of a co-worker I have an unexpected day off to do some gettin' together of my shit.  I've been revising a lot of policy and procedure and find it easier to get organized in the quiet of home.  There is also the upcoming sale at Casa Grands and I ventured down early to take some pictures.  There is still a ton of stuff there which was way overpriced so there you go.  It's do or die time so there will be bargains galore.  Hide and watch.

Just got a random call from the past which led us down memory lane for quite some time.  Karen was the microbiology queen for many years and Carol followed her up when she left.  Then came Martha!  Louise was there then and a few of us still remain.  

The medical transport helicopter just flew over which always makes me think that I'm right in their flight pattern so they could just crash all into the house here on the hill and it would be over.  Being the faithful sort I'll manifest that not to happen until I get laid one more time.  

Got stuff to do.  Later ^j^  

fungus among us

I'm gonna' have to wear a mask to take pictures of the vintage windows in the basement that will be in our saleapalooza next month.  The guy who installed the new ones tried to snatch them for his wife and I said umm.  Nope.  I've been looking through them this long so I'll figure out a way to turn a buck.  They will go into the big pile down at Casa Grands which is cooling as I type.  

Mr Snake lives there a lot which creeps me out but I think there's light now maybe so we shall see.  The heat wave is set to end tomorrow for us and I say Amen and thank you sweet baby jeebus.  It's been ridiculous in an oddly Southern sort of way.  I keep looking for the kudzu blooms but so far nothing.  I had no clue that they bloomed until my friend Idgie at the Dew posted about it.  The tend to cluster where the kudzu drapes over something like a tree or bush.  Or body!

I stopped by the Mayor's office to give Mozella her B12 shot and I'm praying I don't get stopped for a moving violation with a 5 cc syringe waiting to be properly disposed of.  We use these times to bond and hug and profess our love for all things us and our families together.  In an era when many Southerners espoused hatred and violence toward blacks, I grew with a whole tribe of them who took me in.  I never heard either of my parents say the N word and haven't done it myself, if I do remember correctly.

I was raised by black ladies who did domestic work and one of them is still alive in a Lake county nursing home.  I see her when shes at the sawmill and we never did go to Boyette's.  Her sister in law Margaret was the cutest little dumpling you ever saw with pigtails and a fun personality.  

There is no room in this current social crisis for violence and hatred.  Cut your losses, turn over Congress to the people and do your job.  End of story.  Realize that the collapse of and bailout of Wall Street in 2008 haunts us still in the form of lack of access to basic things like healthcare and nutrition.  Which are linked scientifically, BTW.  Also take into account that people are fleeing countries in boats to escape the harsh reality of you know who.  From this point on, they shall be some other name to me.  Like maybe FRED.

I told Mozella when the rain starts I'll dance nekkid' in it and I have to say I've done it before, right Yaya?  I saw the beautiful faces of my three best friends in one shot and it absolutely made my day even though I missed it live.  I don't even own lipstick so I would NOT have fit in.  

Our public transit in the 'burg consists of one cab service.  No bus service, The train, that's in Newbern.  BG actually rides a bus to work in a nearby town.  It would be nice to have that sort of convenience.  However I do have several heroes in the wrecker business who have gotten our asses cars from point A to point B.  You can't make this shit up.  

Time to get busy being organized.  

mission next

It's therapy time kids!  Y'all get to listen to my version of life which isn't to shabby at the moment except for the heat.  I'll be praying when the next utility bill shows up.  However, there is a plan in motion to liquidate the rest of the Stafford estate including two houses full of unique things. Like, so I can have a couch to lay on and stuff.  

Looking at the projected temps I figured it was best to get a few groceries during lunch rather than in mid-afternoon under the heat dome.  Of course that required lugging the perishables up the hill to the refrigerator at the sawmill until gettin' off time.  And then BACK down the hill to the Camry.  Good thing I come from strong stock.  

It warms my heart to see the graceful way that the Democratic party is coming together.  The integrity of Bernie is something I have admired from day one and I treasure my memorabilia.  For the first time in my life I knew a candidate well enough and trusted him enough to be a supporter, even though he was a rogue.  What he has done for American politics will be in history books as The Great Wakeup Call to partisan policy.

Compromise ~

not a clue

I called the doctor's office today to schedule an appointment for some colon issues.  That's my new goal to keep in good shape as long as I have insurance and can afford the 40 buck co-pay.  Fortunately Friday is payday.  The young lady who took my call reminded me that I had missed a previous appointment because who knows why.  We now have a scorecard at the front desk on no shows.  Geez. I've been a patient there for 40 years and missed ONE.   I'm talking ice queen.

I stopped in to get some gas when I noticed the red light at lunch and ran into my old friend Boatright of old time hippie days.  He's a junker from way back when who used to hang out in our den watching Bonanza.  We chatted about the abundance of cancer and our talk turned to spraying crops as a major player, especially in low areas like West Tennessee.  Traditional farming methods have killed folks for years yet nobody will try anything different to try and save the earth.  Gawd.

We had a surprise rain shower today as I was leaving work and (of course) I was soaked when I got in the house.   I'm busy tapping away at my future whatever that may be.  

I really can't describe where my head is now because it's complicated.  My brother just called worrying over his blood pressure and asking me if that 120 is a necessity to which I replied no.  If two pills is too much, take a half plus one.  Don't depend on a healthcare practitioner for everything because Lord knows they're not God.  

Do no harm ~

mental health day

Sunday is usually go to Jackson for a visit day but I'm taking the weekend off from the real world and BG said she's good with that so there you go.  It helps tremendously that she has her phone back and we can stay in touch more closely.  It's all part of the process, ya know?

My friend Mamye came out yesterday with a bag FULL of memories that included a 1905 yearbook featuring her dad and my grandpa on the high school basketball team.  There was also a 66 year old directory from the Cumberland Presbyterian Church when it was still downtown.  The same names are still carrying forward that tradition to this day!  She's on a mission like me and Lorna to sort and archive and pitch.  It's quite good therapy.

So HRC has a running mate who sounds like an oxymoron....Virginia democrat!!  And Trump continues to use the name of Christianity like he owns it as do his followers.  What the eff' ever dude.  God knows your motives. 

The sound on my laptop has gone missing so i'm limited to the bad ass phone for entertainment.  It's probably something simple like a hidden mute button.  I brought home a ton of work to try and get organized and so far haven't touched it. Maybe the spirit will move soon on that one.  

And the heat wave continues, bless all our hearts.  It's dangerous not just for those who work in it but for people who have trouble breathing because *ozone* and heat dome are a wicked mix.  Not to mention corn sweat!

My neighbors are at the beach and I'm reliving my May vacay through their pictures.  These are the very same folks who feed me by four wheeler and help a girl out.  Mamye is one of those too.  It never ceases to amaze me that people are so good when all we hear about is the bad.  

God is good ~  All the time.

fear and loathing

I'm not old enough to remember the McCarthy era but I imagine it was pretty similar to what's going on right now.  Politicians on a witch hunt are never what our forefathers envisioned for our country.  That being said let me be perfectly clear that the possibility of Trump as president scares the shit out of me.  So much progress has been made over the years in human rights and social change for us to just hand it over to conservatives.  Once you earn it, you have to fight hard to keep things in motion.  I'm not a fan of Hillary and would have absolutely cut off my right hand to see a Sanders/Warren ticket but that ain't gonna' happen so....there you go.  

The media is fanning the flames of racism and violence because lord knows everybody loves a good brawl.  When I was buying the washer dude had Memphis news on the desk and showed me this 95 year old lady hanging on to her purse for dear life while some thug drug her across the concrete.  Was he black?  Yes.  Do white guys do this?  YES.   African Americans have come a long way from the bondage that was their life back in the day.  I won't totally believe that the shootings are racially motivated because they shoot rednecks high on meth too.  It just doesn't make the news.  

Here's my short list on what needs to be dealt with outside of pork barrel deals:

Healthcare Reform.  The entire system is about to implode because of the insurance industry.  One single payer for everybody would eliminate the whole deal of referrals for $$ and prescriptions for kickbacks.  Remember Pharmabro???

Immigration. Simplify immigration laws where they can be more easily navigated and require them to be followed.  Leave the people alone who are already here if they try to become citizens and fail.  Most of them are working low paying jobs that Americans won't touch.  A wall on any border serves no purpose.  There are always tunnels.  

Foreign Policy.  Do what's necessary to stay in good graces with the Middle East and Asia and Russia so that nobody blows the whole world up in a fit of rage.  Target ISIS like a mofo and track 'em down like the dogs they are.  Always remember, the crew that pulled off 9/11 was in training for five years and nobody caught it on the intel radar.  

Peace.  Gender equality is a biggie for me.  I don't care if you're unicorns and OITNB gay.  The bathroom thing is ridiculous, so says the liberal redneck.  He was similarly outraged over our great state trying to make THE BIBLE our state book.  How's that for separation of church and state.  

SCOTUS.  Has been heavily stacked with conservatives for years.  Let's have a more middle of the road approach, umkay?  

Addiction.  Actually this is an offshoot of the healthcare piece but one that is a real danger at this point.  Instead of treating addiction as the disease it is, many unscrupulous doctors substitute a legal form of opiates in the form of suboxone and methadone.  There is no talk therapy or 12 steps of attempt to address the actual problem.  Just throw another pharmaceutical at it and go on down the road.  Easy access to heroin has become an epidemic and ironically it crosses all  social classes equally.  Shut down the pain clinics.  

Organic Farming.  I'm told that Monsanto money goes all the way back to the Rothchilds.  The waves of cancer that we see are largely due to pollution from petroleum products and unsafe farming practices with chemicals.  In the space of 50 years I've seen this farm go from my daddy on a tractor with no cab to lots of John Deere and spraying.  It is what it is but there are healthier ways to farm.  

I guess that's it for my platform rant.  My one outing for today was to the chicken store for a corn dog and I had a single dollar bill to spend at the produce guy's truck.  After asking him how much squash I could get for a buck, he gave me a sack of then and gave the dolla' to his kid.  That's what's up.

Integrity~

aftercare

I was taken off guard the other day by a call from a number that was stored in my phone almost a year ago...Caris Healthcare.  They are the band of angels that saw us through not one but two deaths in the space of five months on the same unit at our hospital.  It was about this time in July when the downhill slide began.  Daddy wasn't doing so well at the home and his doctor had said to direct admit him if things weren't going well.  We had been to the surgeon's office on Thursday to check the wound and by Monday he was back at the sawmill.  Two surgeries later, he ended up in ICCU for a week rattling like the dead from all that anesthesia.  A good and kind team of people with whom I work advised me to take the next step.  His last words to me were "i want to die."  It was peaceful and quick. and my BFF @work was sitting at the desk when I got there. 

Mama sat in that empty log cabin for a few weeks until we got her moved to the home.  Our team of haulers did it all in one day with curtains included, thank you Mo.  They tried to make her get up at 7 which she hated but the caregivers were sweet except for the one bitch who decided to take a cellphone break in Casa Mom with Millette present.  She tripped and broke her wrist right around football time in Tennessee and sported a bright orange cast from Dr. Olson while she and Harry watched the games.  It was their last season.

The hip fracture happened on her last trip to church right before Christmas.  She was barely able to talk even with a walker but wanted to go to SS and the holiday service.  Lord...she was all about the season!  I was told that she went down slowly and EMS was called.  She was surrounded by her church family which is always a good thing.  The hip was pinned....more rehab.  I remember the follow up visit with Olson quite vividly because it was cold as hell and she was wrapped in blankets in a wheelchair. The x-ray showed total failure of the less invasive procedure so here we go with another direct admit.  In the cold windy day in the Camry with a wheelchair and my mother in terrible pain.

The surgery to do the hip replacement took about 5 hours and she weathered it well.  We had some good days together since I was right there at every available moment and getting hugs from all my besties on 2N.  Bubba made sure she had snacks and the cellphone.   The trouble started on a Sunday when she complained of severe abdominal pain.  A scan showed that she had a ruptured pocket in the colon which could only be repaired with more surgery if IV antibiotics didn't work.  The white count climbed in spite of high dose multi drug therapy.  Her doctor had a conversation with her and we all got on the same page.  Tommy rolled in shortly after that and stayed by her side most of the time.  LP was working at the home by then and on Mama's last day, there was a snow and ice event that had her stuck at work and me struggling to get there.  The snow fell softly outside her window and Lauren slept on the fold out thing for the day.  We each had our time with her.

In retrospect, I see that my Daddy was a very sick man for a long time and refused help because of the running Stafford fit thing.  I was called for emergencies when he fell on the gravel or did a hit and run or made Mama cry.  The go to girl, so to speak.  The one who had no other drama AT ALL.  It's on me that I took on more than a sane person would but that's just how I'm made.  I'm Janie.  I'm co-dependent.

^j^

the raptor

My latest totem was actually a buzzard working the bean field for critters.  He and his buddy were flying and swooping down low scouting the menu.  If the rabbits are smart they'll hide in the corn with the children.

Tree cutting guy came out yesterday and cleaned up the mess from our power outage.  It's still ( newsflash ! ) a hundred degrees with no relief in sight.  I remember the hottest summer ever EVER that went about 20 days straight topping the 100 degree mark. I didn't plan ahead and ended up with a driveway full of furniture to refinish in said heat.  It wasn't pretty.

The car dealership just called to ask me if I was still interested in that new car and I had to explain that I had just seen it and liked it but "it's complicated."  She empathized with what she has heard is a very LONG process in the BK court to be able to purchase a reliable vehicle.  Meanwhile, I drive to Jackson every week in an old car  could blow out at any minute.  I've noticed that 412 is smooth as silk until you hit Madison county and after that it's a freakin' bunch of potholes.  What up folks?  You've got people commuting from all over West Tennessee to your city for work.  Help them out.  And also, it would help if you would open up CC Lane.  Just saying.  

I have been anxiously waiting for carpool karaoke with Michelle Obama and was delighted to find Missy Elliott all up in there too.  This is the funnest way ever to entertain besides Netflix or tubing while drinking beer.  

It's quiet but I'm about to crank up the new washer.  Y'all be careful out there and drink your gatorade.  

Peace ~

illegal smile

My friend Liz spent her last day at the sawmill today and we hugged a lot and talked about how she's looking forward to Roellen time.  We have both worked there since we were 22 and it won't seem right not to see her hiking up and down the hill. She had smoked her last illegal work cigarette and was heading back in when I hightailed it out to meet the washer delivery guys on the hill.  As usual GPS won't track the new road name.  The official name got changed two years ago but things fall through the cracks sometimes.  

I didn't even notice until after they left that the tree cutting guy did his thing on that giant limb today and it's gone gone.  A breeze came up and a little thunder when I was rolling in as I exited the not so trusty Camry and it felt like heaven.   I've been ready for fall since spring ended.   This girl does not do heat well, just saying.

Other than that and Mrs. Trump, I got nothing.  Just bless her heart and the poor fool who wrote the speech.  Ain't nothing sacred.  

Namaste ~

forgiveness

I have found that with life comes lots of disappointment and heartache.  Feeling betrayed is something that hurts badly and gets thrown into the "live and learn" basket for me these days.  I am not so naive as to think that everybody has pure motives by any means.  It's just the senseless throwing people under the bus that gets me. But you know what?  The longer I hold onto the resentment, the more it hurts ME....not the other person.  It hardens into something that feels like a ball and chain at times until you can just let it go.  It's a process, but one that works if you ask for help from above.  Which I most certainly do on a daily basis.  Life is too short and I ain't got time for that.

Sooo....my cynical side is snickering over the viral overload at the RNC which is one more reason to stay at home and away from crowds.  Just hang in the neighborhood, ya know?

happy feet

A pair of Nikes will usually last me about six months before body aches and pains set in due to the constant walking on concrete floors.  The ones I slipped on this morning had a hole in the toe and a flapping sole.  I took my lunch to go get new ones and oh.my.god.  I can already feel my body shifting.  Thank you JCP for good deals.  

My badass phone now says 105 with a very high dewpoint due to none other than "corn sweat."  Now I didn't know until I read it on the innerwebs that corn sweat is a product of growing the grain which sucks the water out of the earth and expels it into the hot air where it hangs like a heavy curtain.  Um.  Yep.  Then the heat dome traps it and there you go.  Dog days for sure.  The humidity is so high that the ancient pecans are getting soggy and dropping off huge limbs, one of which killed the power last night.  I was dead asleep when Beverly texted me and sure enough...the fan was off.  She kept me posted and when I left for work this morning I expected to see some little branch laying under the power line.  Instead there was half of a hundred year old pecan tree right across from my driveway.  Huge.  BIG!  Had I been driving in at that time I would be dead or at the very least carless.  

Prayers carried me through another day in paradise and BG called me from a phone that I recognized so there's that to be grateful for.  I am purposely avoiding the political conventions because honestly, what they say isn't our reality.  All politicians claim to honor the Constitution and change things.  In order for things to change there has to be dialogue and there doesn't seem to be a lot of that going on.  It's the usual pissing match between celebrities with money.  

The people I admire are the ones who use their wealth and power to advance humanity and defend basic human rights like freedom of speech.  It's been months since I've thought about my celebrity boyfriend John Cusack but he is one of those I respect because of his defense of Edward Snowden.  This man had more intel than could be imagined and instead of letting him say his piece the whole world went batshit crazy and left him in Russia.  I can see him being a kind of reverse spy, you know?  

Everyone who has been punished for speaking out for the right to be heard is a victim.  Nobody is God and makes all the rules except well, God.  If you paid any kind of attention in history class you know that it has "always been thus and so" with wars.  Over religion or territory or money or whatever.  People just want to be right.  

Gotta' run.  I have an assignment due tomorrow.  

grace~

clarity

Sometimes you have to be careful what you pray for, however I felt every single one of them that got lifted up for me these past few days.  I'm sure the rainbow didn't hurt matters nor the soy candle that's burning as I type on the "altar".  I'm calling my inner big girl in ways that are necessary for me to survive mentally and physically.  And little by little, I'm finding her again.  

She is the one who stands up for justice and has a soft spot for the least of these.  She is also the one who will cry like a baby over something sad or when really REALLY about to be mad as in running Stafford fit.  I haven't had that kind of energy in a long time and I'm so not an angry person either passively or aggressively.  I'm the little earth mother hippie chick redneck country girl who believes in goodness and peace.  

I felt so sorry for the little carhop at Sonic today delivering my three separate orders to the Camry in hundred degree heat. Yesterday's haul was 6 from Mexico....also in a hundred degrees.  Soon as I get a day off I'll hit up the dentist and see about these poor remaining teeth. 

Daddy is now 85 in heaven.  Bubba went gravewatching this morning and even peered through the windows of the mausoleum to report that Mr. Fisher is resting well.  The last time I visited their gravesite, there still was no grass.  I think that will help, ya know?  

onward ~   

pot of gold

The last time I remember seeing a rainbow was in December just a few days before Christmas.  Mom was in the rehab post hip pinning where we celebrated the holiday in their empty dining room, our little tribe of 4.  She was so frail and cold and little sitting there under a blanket.  Yesterday afternoon as I sat in the kitchen typing and thinking, I noticed that a rainbow had appeared out back at the usual spot.  This one was visible from end to end and positioned directly over the barn.  I took it as a sign from Mama and Big Ernie to keep the faith in spite of it all.  

My mind is now fully wrapped around several of the possibilities for the rest of my life and it took awhile for that to sink in and become real.  I am most certainly not in charge and have learned the hard way that rushing things often ends in regret.  A mindful listening to the whispers of the universe and Holy spirit are required to keep from jumping here there and yon with no purpose: i.e. reacting vs acting.  

A friend gave me a book named Five Stones which is about developing tools to kill the giants in your life like David did.  He was there at the battle quite by accident delivering supplies to his brother and found himself killing the giant Philistine with nothing more than a slingshot which he was quite proficient with.  That was his tool along with carefully chosen stones.  Each of us can kill the giants in our lives like disease, relationship problems and other stuff by learning to believe that it's possible through faith.  From one Methodist to another, thank you Sue. 

I have heard two different people lately sit and espouse
 ideas as their own when they actually came from my own mouth.  While I know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery it's kind of disheartening when they are heard and I am not.  But then, I've got bigger worries by far.  I'm trying my best to just turn it over to Big Ernie so prayers for that to happen would be  much appreciated.  I can feel it, you know.   

Tomorrow is Billie Godwin Staffords 85th birthday, may he rest in eternal peace.  I feel the uneasiness creeping in that surrounds late July and August of last year.  Firsts are always hard.  My friend Vicki lost her own mama this week and my heart aches for her because my memories are still fresh of the agony of waiting for the inevitable.  In God's time, of course.

Besides the rainbow there's a new totem in my life at none other than the chicken store where I greet Mr. Gene and the unhappy cashier early each morning on the curb.  There's a border collie mix with a collar roaming around probably looking for droppe food and today I noticed he had a ball in his mouth.  That made me smile.

Serenity ~

stormy weather

I had several errands to run and headed out this morning to work through the list.  First was my last office visit with the retiring Dr. Algee, a non-medical chat about life in general and a plan we had hatched that I failed to follow up on. He wished me the best and the office staff was throwing a going away lunch for him.  He has worked with at a lot of places over the years including the VA clinic.  Lake county boy.

About the time I left his office the thunder and lightning commenced and followed me to the car dealership where I actually got what I needed to submit to the trustee.  Baby steps, as they say. I dropped that off at lawyer #1 and proceeded to find that lawyer #2 had moved across the square.  Also a Lake county boy, he and I go way back and it's a treat just to sit and talk with him.  My tennis shoes were soaked by then so I just sat there with wet feet feeling grateful for friends who care.  I asked about his mama and he said her mind is still quick like Miss Janice's was until the end.  

After that it was lunch with Lorna and Jasper and some sporadic conversation in between force feeding the burger to him and letting the dogs in and out.  We mostly talk by phone when Jasper is asleep!  Dude is a handful but quite a loving little boy.  He kept hugging me and wanting to ask me something.  Everybody's grandma...that's me.

The rest of the day is mine.  If the washer worked I'd do some laundry but noooo...This too shall pass.

^j^

the high road

Lord knows we should all take it but some fall short as I have on many occasions. Perfection is a myth and to be considered a liability because of failure to achieve that goal is not something I can deal with at this point in my life.  Nobody was but Jesus and even he asked why.  Every single person he trusted betrayed him.  

This morning's totem on the way to the sawmill was an angry horsefly buzzing around inside the windshield.  Those things bite hard so I chased him out and moved on to paradise.  Fly spirit says things will come hard and fast out of nowhere but end you up where the universe intends.  Abundance. Discomfort on the road there but a meeting of the ultimate goal.  I'll take it.

I'm just playing it by ear these days, going with the flow even when the ride is bumpy.  Like my old friend at the bank said " they can kill you but they can't eat you."  Unless they're zombies.   And yes, all lives matter.  Get rid of the fucking automatic weapons.  I read a piece today about the guy who murdered all those student nurses in Chicago and systematically slaughtered them with one gun and a knife.  I don't know about ya'll but I do believe there would be a gang fight if I was up in there.  One sociopath on a mission ain't gonna' tie me up and kill me without a struggle.  But then that was the sixties when women still didn't know manners from rebellion.  Sheeple, so to speak.

This election season is getting stranger by the day with Jill Stein offering her party to Bernie.  Honestly, he fits more in with that bunch than with HRC.  I'm outta here kids.  Too much in your head isn't good for a girl.  It is what it is.

^j^

twenty four hours a day

Our 24 hour mother daughter visit was quite low key and restful.  Friends stopped by briefly but for the most part it was just me and the BG doing our things in tandem.  We spent Sunday morning grocery shopping and checked out a different doughnut shop that is the closest to Floyd's that I've ever tasted.  His place was next to where the Episcopal church sits and it was like sugar heaven.  He and the missus were perpetually covered with flour and the scent of fried pastry.

On the way home we noticed a huge plume of smoke coming from around Four Points and joked that maybe the 'gentral was on fire and WHAT would I do without it.  This morning I found out that it was a house fire and two little girls died there.  Rumors are swirling and investigations continuing.  Others got out.  Supposedly the fire started in the attic and the ceiling caved on the girls.  Peace be still.

I spent several years as a resident of Memphis and though it's big and a lot of trouble, it's a good place to visit.  I was amazed to hear of the peaceful Black Lives Matter protest there yesterday.  That this happened in the city where MLK was murdered by a crazy white cracker at the Lorraine  is even more of a sign that there is hope for us all.

I had my hands full when I departed the chicken store yesterday and left my wallet on top of the *not so trusty* Camry.  When I got home with the debit card in my pocket and proceeded to put it back is when I discovered it was gone.  I called the store and Delilah checked the parking lot but nothing.  I  drove the route again finding zilch and messaged my dear bank friend who told me as long as I have the card it's good.  I told BG I was thinking maybe some kind soul would find it and call me because hey...my # is on the check!  And you know what?  About two hours later he did and I made my first trip down Carter Lane to retrieve important things like license, registration and insurance.  Then I had a corn dog from Sonic.  

My friend Chucky shared a mashup with me one time called "i don't give a fuck no more" which is always fun to sing along with.  Just talked to Annie and I'm headed to the CPC by work tomorrow to take a picture of the baptismal bearing her family name.  I do believe there's a story up in there involving my own family.  

Peaceful protest and dialogue.  That's what's up ^j^

affirmation

 I got to sleep in today until 10 but had to hit the laundromat before it got "too hot".  I had SEVEN washers going at one time and proceeded to load up the wet stuff after it was done and haul it back to home where the dryer works, thank you sweet baby jeebus.  Gay showed up just as I was pulling out for the Laundry Basket and helped me load up the not so trusty Camry.  

My friend Dell and I took a road trip to Jackson and picked up one very tired and grateful BG for first pass.  She is snoozing with Oscar as I type.  When I was doing the wash I ran into one of her old classmates Sean who was busy doing his own laundry with wifey.  They had more than me but then they've got 5 kids.  The sweet little girl that works on the dry cleaning side had to help me pump that 10 dollars worth of quarters in but we got it done.  

We take these things for granted when there is a steady job and money to have the luxury of home.  Dell was sick as a dog today and managed to get us where we needed to be.  That's a God thing, no doubt.

Stay positive kids.  It can only go up from here ^j^

wordless terror

Sometimes I get wonky trying to get the blog published using laptop to compose and phone to share on FB.  Yeah....it's complicated around here.  I washed out what was left in the washer's last spinless run in the sink last night and pitched it into the dryer.  At that point I was just grateful that the dryer is here and it's paid for as of this week.  Little did I know when I typed out that little diatribe yesterday about police brutality that the shit was about to hit the fan.  

Here's the thing to all you terrorists with guns out there:  black,white,purple,whatever.  When people unite with their families for peaceful protest in the name of social change, to use that gathering as an opportunity to slaughter law enforcement officers who were actually not having a bad time of it until your asses showed up on the roof with ...what?  GUNS.  Now I know you 2nd amendment folks are saying " the guns didn't kill the cop black guys did."  To which I reply is that the same as the guns didn't kill the innocent black guys the cops did?  Wrong is wrong and access to guns like we have around here is insane considering the mental health of most citizens and the opportunity to showcase with modern media.  Get over  your bad selves people.  

Once again, my position has always been and will always be pro-personal gun use excluding high powered automatic weapons.  But you know what?  The NRA which actually started as an honorable gentleman's hunting organization has turned into the devil on crack and they don't make money unless the clandestine gun sales continue.  Nor do the politicians who are paid by them.  Mostly Republicans.  I'm too tired to be pissed off about it anymore, choosing quiet resolve instead.  George Zimmerman wasn't a real cop so he doesn't count in this discussion, or ever for that matter.  You don't kill people for petty theft.

I don't have any answers and I wish I did.  We the people are too busy bickering over shit like Benghazi and guns instead of figuring out what the hell we're gonna' do when the zombies show up.  I figure I'll just pray a lot that it's over quickly and doesn't hurt.  

And yes, it's still hot as hell.  My old butt was dragging today on the 5th of 5 at 100 degrees,  Maybe I can find some cheap tennis shoes at the Good Will when I pick up BG from work.  All roads seem to lead to Jackson right now.  

My dear Methodist friend Sue K brought me a book today that she got at annual conference several weeks ago.  I carry one in my purse now just in case I get stuck in a waiting room.  The next trick is finding glasses in that purse.  

Y'all be careful out there ~

creative scamming

I went to Casey's for a sandwich at lunch today because it's close and I'm tired of Sonic's dolla' menu.   I never leave my car running but today was an exception because it's so damn hot and I wanted to munch in the cool air.  I sat and ate and looked at my phone barely noticing this guy trolling the lot and approaching people as they left.  hen the lady parked next to me got pinned in and gave me a look on the way out I knew he was headed my way so I just rolled down the window.  "Yes sir?"  Dude proceeded to tell me this long pitiful story about how his car was broke down on the interstate and his wife and two kids were out there frying.  Some old guy had brought him to town ( from KY, of course ) to get an alternator but he was 17 bucks short for the part  he needed.  "What part" I asked.  He said alternator and immediately my radar went to WTF.  "So you're going to put an alternator in your car on the interstate??"   Yep.  I told him I couldn't help him and he got mad and said why did I ask all those questions if I didn't intend to help him.  He then walked to the gas pump, got in the driver's seat of a vehicle and drove away.  This sweet  girl at work overhead me telling the story and he got her for 13 on the 4th 2 miles away.   Damn.

You knew it was coming so brace yourselves for a rant on law enforcement.  #1 thing is this, if a guy has a tail light out and you pull him over and he reaches for the ID  that you asked for, that is not provocation to shoot him in his own car and scream like a baby especially when there's a baby in the damn car.  Now I have to admit, the girlfriend was quite dramatic but shit,  I wouldn't have been quick enough to film it and would be just another blood spatter on the concrete.  The cop mentality is one of paranoia many times, and rightfully so.  Mental health screenings are pretty much missing for those who do the job, and the nature of the work tends to cause an officer to break after some time.   Not an excuse.   All cops should be like my friend Sam who is Andy Griffith re-incarnated.

The flip side of that is the ones who are on a power trip and I know a kazillion of 'em.  To hell with the law man!  I will mess your world up and make money for the prison system.   Once again I will state, as I have felt since Ferguson, the mob mentality that this kind of stupid killing incites is exactly what the system wants.  That way they can arrest more and make more and so on and so forth.  Many a county government runs on fines paid through local courts.  

This paranoia about black people is crazy and I can't believe it exists.  It's the same with Muslims and ISIS.  If we are people of faith, why are we scared?  God has gotten the attention of mankind in many ways over the years so what we're experiencing now is less like the second coming and more like you reap what you sow.  The sad thing is that innocents suffer along with the doers of evil.

Today's totem was a turkey trotting across the lane as I pulled in from work.  Still hot and humid and that won't change for many weeks.  This is what's know as mid-summer in the southeast.  Or anywhere, for that matter.  Thank you Lord for air conditioning.  

Since I'm on a roll, let's talk about queers.  Why the hell do you even care what people do behind closed doors? That good book of yours says do not judge in a whole heckuva' lot of places. Oh, and the glass houses thing.  What's the difference in alternative sexual lifestyles and all your swinging outside the marital union. Gotta stop..I'm beginning to sound like Trae.

only the lonely

Life has been pretty upbeat lately so I was caught off guard when silent tears started to roll while I was working today.  I have no idea what triggered it...some random passing sadness over not having much family anymore.  It was probably the thought of my beautiful niece perched on her Daddy's knee playing with heirloom dolls.  I miss who we were once....a close knit bunch who gathered for any and every holiday and birthday at the red log cabin.  Or chatting with my sick as a dog BG where I have to "call her right back " to save on the phone card she uses.  It could just be that the week of relaxation at the beach has already worn off.  My tank was so below empty at that point it just brought me up to even.  

My washer is broken again with a new motor ordered to arrive who knows when.  The toilet overflowed this morning so there are towels everywhere in the bathroom floor and will remain there because I'm not out yet so there you go.  I'm getting all kinds of emails from the car places I've visited wanting to know what's up when in fact they are the ones who dropped the ball.  All I need is one finance manager who knows the ins and outs of dealing with a trustee and I'd be fine but getting to "that" person is like wading through minions to get to the wizard.

It's all in God's time, and I know that.  It doesn't mean I can't cry when I'm sad though.  Or tired.  Or discouraged.  I'm not even concerned about the election anymore because the whole thing seems rigged by two parties who both have a lot to gain.  I so had hope for something different for we the people.  

In the UK there was an analysis of the giant screw up floated by Dubya and Blair who have both moved into their golden years without a care while the entire world struggles in the aftermath of the decision to invade Iraq in 2003.  It made me sick when it happened and makes me sad still.  Basically the Allies invaded and plundered where it was none of their business except to protect oil.  The huge financial investment in military equipment and construction that was made during those years led to a post-war atmosphere where vets can't get decent healthcare after serving our country.  And just for the record, HRC voted yes on the invasion.  Bernie said hell no.  

I suppose if we actually learned from history, it would be worth all the heartache but that never seems to happen.  I stopped at the chicken store this morning on the way in and noticed some searching by a couple of employees and some guys in the parking lot.  Mr. Gene came up from the search with a beautiful kitten trying to get me to take it.  Heh.  If he only knew!  As I pulled away the tiny little thing hid behind a garbage can.  Scared to death, she was.  

I know that feeling well which is why I don't leave home much except to work.  And if I could do it from home, I wouldn't even go there!  I used to think it was agoraphobia but now I just see it as being in my happy place here on the hill.  The quiet, though calming, is sometimes deafening.  I can't stand a lot of background noise anymore while having a conversation because it distracts me.  I'm in a cable contract for 2 years and haven't turned it on in two weeks.  Live and learn I reckon.

If I did not do self care through blogging, I would probably be in a padded room somewhere wailing like a banshee.  When I'm up, the blog is light and happy and sometimes downright cocky. When I'm not, I go back to the first three steps and start all over.

This too shall pass ~

second hand dumbass

The morning news was just full of folks who acted the fool and did stupid things over the holiday weekend.  Like the drunk Missouri woman who killed two guys with her boat on the Current.  Or the guy whose son got "accidentally" killed at the shooting range who claims that the gun didn't kill the kid....he did.  Just bless 'em.  

T and Peyton just left following a nice little visit where she racked up on old Madame Alexander dolls because "their eyes open and shut!"  She spotted the basket full of toys when they came in and it kept her occupied while my brother and I caught up a bit.  It will probably be a year before I see him again.   It's a long way to the Blue Ridge life from here.  

Meanwhile there is worldwide paranoia over superbugs in the water where the Olympic sailing event will be held due to umm...poor infrastructure and extreme poverty.  Last I heard the housing wasn't even finished.  And the caliphates just keeps on posting.  You would not catch my old ass on any sort of commercial airliner much less in a crowd of people in a third world country.  

What's a person to do?  Dwell on the positives and stay calm, that's what.  The violence is so random that there's no protection in this world against it so just go with the flow and do the next right thing.  Karma is an amazing power.

Faith ~

oh happy day

It's hotter than tge 4th of July...no wait it IS the 4th of July.  The sawmill wasn't too bad for a holiday Monday so that's a blessing.  We actually got to eat.  Twice.  On the way home I steeled myself to pick up the sharp shooter and dig the Queen Anne's lace out of the hard ground managing to get a nice root for next year's crop.  It's the little things that I'm beginning to enjoy again.   Nothing is more magical than planting something and totally forgetting about it until it comes back again.  Annuals are fine and all that but perennials are what's up for the lazy gardener.  

The neighbors just posted a sink full of corn and lord knows they've worked for it the hard way!  Somebody at work gave me a few ears and I'm having that for dinner.  It's a tradition at the Autry estate on Highway 104 to grill on the 4th, and any other time Keith gets in the mood.  I had to pass today so I could get out of the heat and under the air.  

The war on terror is now a war of terror and I know in my heart that our country played a large part in the radicalization of so many young Muslims worldwide.  Our military presence in Iraq and Afghanistan did nothing but make Halliburton money, kill a lot of our soldiers, and piss the jihadists off even more.  In my humble opinion this massive government spending on a no-win situation was a major cause of the financial crisis that was born in 2008 and dogs us still.  Well that and Brexit.

The rain just started but may pass in time for fireworks. If I'm awake I'll view from the bigass window in my office.   Give me liberty ~

let's go krogering

I took off for Jackson today with an uneasy feeling, probably just because it's so hot and there could be stray thunderstorms anywhere along that 40 mile stretch.  As it turned out the only danger I saw was a huge hawk headed straight for the windshield who lifted up right before he smacked me.  I can hear me now calling roadside assistance on a holiday weekend. 

Because of said holiday there so no meeting prior to visitation so it was bonus!time enough to go grocery shopping.  If you ask how I know that miracles are happening I will just say that there is a gratitude for little things now that I never saw before.  I learned last time after a grocery run that there's a pole next to Ms. Ann's house so I navigated that safely today so as not to fun afoul on the one way street that is McCowat.

Visitation day is all about the kids mostly...the ones who want to hang out with Mom or Daddy and don't see much of them otherwise.  I feel fortunate that there is not a child involved in our little scenario right now.  I mean like super duper fortunate.  My daughter and I shopped with she knowing exactly what to pick up and me still searching for canned crab meat.  And of course, they had it.  You GO Kroger.

Meanwhile Ryan's crew has shown up with lots of action on the yard and snake situation.  I've been scared to even wear flip flops unless I can see the ground.  I know..they're nice and eat varmints.  They still creep me out.

I passed about 20 fireworks stands today and all of them were packed with a decoy law car in the lot.  People get stupid and alcohol, rednecks and fireworks don't mix well.  I visited the annual Johnson family gathering yesterday and brought home a plate of grilled food and such that I haven't tasted in years.  They were all scattering by the time I drove up in the rain.  Me and James Frank and a couple other guys sat under the tent talking about the history of that piece of land next to the mighty Forked Deer.  I mean, it's like God is giving me the story bit by bit now that I'm still enough to listen.  

Please remember everybody who works on  holidays which is now freakin' everyone thanks to corporate America.  I will at least get a paid day off at another time.  Many will  not.  The ISIS thing is way out of control and unless all the countries come together for common good, it's gonna' be more of the same.  I hate to be an alarmist, but remember Left Behind?  The difference between then and now is that technology allows folks to broadcast themselves in the act of murder.  I don't know about y'all but I'd gladly go without the internet if I thought it would help.

Feeling the Bern ~

let freedom ring

Alrighty then!  Here we are on the precipice of Independence Day 2016.  Lorna came by to visit a while ago and we enjoyed the luxury of talking in person at the  round oblong table in my green kitchen.  She said the house has a different feel now, which is true.I It kinda' stinks because of the washer situation but that's what Febreze is for.  As soon as the piddling is done, the floors will be clean.  

Daddy's peach tree was loaded when Mo and I went down to move the china hutch so I imagine they're close to ready.  That's the extent of my outing today I figure.  Maybe the chicken store while I'm in the car.  Gigi said I can use her washer to get a few things clean.  I was actually googling laundry mats in Dyersburg earlier.  Lerd.

When we were at the new downtown project yesterday Chris found a frog nestled between the ancient brick wall and floor in a crack.   I remember there were several who used to hang on the window at the log cabin and BG named them.  It's pretty much a leap of faith kind of deal if I understand my totems correctly.  

Y'all be safe and always remember to hold the roman candles away from the body, umkay?  I don't want to see your dumb ass all up in the ER with third degree burns from being stupid.  Also please don't leave your child in a hot car.  Or be mean to folks.  

Valerian plus mag and passion flower has turned out to be quite the relaxant in a way that you can get up and go and not hurt.  My knee has been killing me for weeks and now, not so much even without the deadly naproxen.  Now if I could just get some cannabis oil.  

^j^

fireworks

I saw it coming early this morning because holiday weekends are hell in a hospital.  Throughout the day I did my job and then came home to spend another hour or so on the phone finishing up.  That was after my meeting and a hot and sweaty tour of The Mill Workspace downtown across the street from my crack store, Pennington Seed and Supply.  The annuals are already pitiful and I missed that by about two months.  At about this point every summer I say to hell with it and let things go the course.

Ryan has been absent for a couple of weeks so it's kind of snakey around the edges of the corn fields.  Nobody much cares especially me.  As long as there are no reptiles when I open the door, I'm good.  Kevin came by with a sensor switch that proved to be, while necessary, not something that will fix the motor.  He's got his own trials like heading to Louisiana for the sweltering 4th of July weekend.  Me?  I'll be at the sawmill on Independence Day.

I can never remember having group prayer for anyone in the workplace because that's kind of a touchy thing.  This morning was different as we prayed for strength and wisdom and good outcomes for our friend Martha Sue.  She is without a doubt the most generous loving person I've ever known and never passes judgement on folks.  That's a biggie with me.  I left work a little early for a meeting before the other meeting and we prayed there too.  It works if you work it.  

I've heard that Mozella's bunch is gathering for good food tomorrow and I just happen to be off so there you go.  These are my family now, the ones who remember my parents and know me.  The Staffords and Johnsons and Laniers grew up together and will grow older together.  There's your sense of community y'all.  

I'm not much on fireworks but I do enjoy sparklers.  Our community fireworks display is named after a loyal rocket shooter named Gerald Ketchum who always helped with setup. I'm wondering if there was some kind of memorial to me what would it be?  A blood donation maybe.  Lifeline Blood Services supplies 100% of the products that we use locally.  There will be a drive from 12-4 week after next at Tennova Healthcare Dyersburg.  If I were more organized I'd know the exact date but...umm.  Just check the State Gazette.

One of the greatest things ever invented in transfusion medicine is the production of pheresis products.  These are multiple donations of a single component through a process where the whole blood is removed from the donor and red cells are returned to the donor's other arm.  Like platelets. Or FFP.  All of our red cell products are leuko-reduced because Joe Schifano put that practice into place years ago during the time when we were discovering that HIV and HepC could be transmitted through blood.  Thorough testing removes that worry now.  

I've seen fire and I've seen rain ~