an open letter

While everybody else was struggling with a post-four day weekend return to work I was hanging on for dear life to be off tomorrow.  I managed to duck out early just in time to help Mama try on all her pants that no longer fit which means I'll be shopping online.  Her weight has dropped to 102 and she wears that like a badge of honor since she formerly was quite a "big girl."  She went through this phase when she started losing where we hauled all her duds to Mary Lou's house for alterations and picked 'em up after church with Daddy riding shotgun.  That was a few years ago when she dropped from 160ish to about 125.  O.M.G. What really hurts is that she blames me for not  being there all the time now when I was expressly told by staff to back off because we were volatile.  I am the devil, remember?  She is so indecisive and nice that I get worn out after about ten minutes.  Bubba says "a yes or no answer will do, Mother."  Everything has to be quantified and described and well, thought through.  As a procrastinator and former passive aggressive person I can testify that they go hand in hand.

I saw the beginning of flu season piling up in our waiting room with patients from doctor's offices that don't test coming to us.  It is a steady stream of folks in the ER and as outpatients and what I don't understand ( other than making money or pacifying a patient ) why the testing is done.  There is no cure.  Tamiflu is not affordable.  I am too old for this job.  I saw something  curled up on the light cover in blood bank today that looked like a snake and bossfriend put on an alert to the maintenance department.  Now, you're lucky to get one of these guys in the same day for a call but FOUR of them showed up with a ladder!  Meanwhile our favorite Hemo field service rep was in and out doing his thing as was the pathologist du jour.  Never a dull moment, y'all.

Once again I feel compelled to address all you gun nuts on the open carry issue.  And also on the abortion issue that shouldn't even be one because of a ruling by the SCOTUS.  And, once again, on the climate change "issue" which will shortly render us fried, flooded and windswept.  It's not Obama's fault, or Bush's.  It is what it is and if we don't buy into some evolutionary tactics pretty soon, it's zombie time.

And for that very reason....I choose faith.  

rushing christmas

Well, it's still November so I'm not behind yet even though Bubba already has mom's tree up and lit at the home.  I'm in charge of ornaments and have been "under the weather" for the past week with green snot disease and an ear infection.  The work week was usual plus holiday, one day off and the long weekend.  There is Tuesday to look forward to and that's probably when the ornaments will happen unless I get a burst of energy post-sawmill tomorrow.  Their angel is missing so I'm thinking she can use the one that the Little General gave me 30 years ago.  She is textured linen and beautiful.  For years I used Gaga's tacky thing with the tinfoil hat until one of the dogs destroyed it.  Tradition, you know.

The hardest thing for us as a family will be Christmas without either father.  Both of them loved the spirit of the season and my Dad, in particular, got all into the decorating.  He would patiently put single silver icicles on the fir tree while I pitched them up in bunches letting them land every which a way.  Their yard is filled with live white pines that were once where we gathered to open presents.  Once my youngest brother and his buddy backed over one in a truck and duct taped it back so Daddy wouldn't get mad.  UCMTSU.

I'm patiently waiting on wifi just like I patiently wait on everything because Lord knows, you can't force life unless you're a dictator.  It's still quite warm for late November, but the kudzu and basil are dead from that one frost.  No bodies visible yet, by the way.  There is a man coming to town this week who was a POW during the Vietnam war when I was, um, shall we say...heavily influenced by the counter culture at a young age.  He returned to Dyersburg and  hero's welcome which my boyfriend at the time, refused to honor.  Being young and dumb, I just followed right behind his thinking.  Looking back, I realize how much of the passion that I have for avoiding war is because of people like Col. Hughey.  When the United States goes to war, honorable citizens desire to defend our freedoms, trusting that the government has their best interests at heart.  By now, we know better.

Today is the first Sunday in Advent and I am anticipating.  How about you?

home grown

 Well, it happened again like we all knew it would.  Crazy person who lives in a state where it is both legal and common to carry a long gun in public and unload it on innocents.  That includes a whole lot of law enforcement types who are just trying to keep people safe.  Dude had the same wild and crazy face as the Waffle House shooter.  Mali gets hit again.  Refugees lounging around in Europe waiting for the Allies to step up.  Republicans digging in for the long haul and be damned if the people suffer.  I am so over it I'd just like to crawl in a bunker and play  Hunger Games.  Nobody is safe anywhere, especially in this not so great country of ours.  In case y'all don't remember let me refresh you on the 9/11 crew.  They had planning the mission for around five years and even did flight training and nobody ever took the threat seriously.  That is, until it became real.

As for the fundies as they shall now be called, I'm more afraid of them than of any Muslim, even a radical one.  They do what they do believing with all their hearts that Jesus would approve and it's just pathetic. So you don't believe in the mission of PP?  Don't go there.  You are not God or the President or any other super human with the power to take a life because you don't agree with something.  According to the SCOTUS abortion is legal.   End of story.  Plus, they prevent STDs and unwanted pregnancies and screen for breast cancer.

It started raining last night about dark and I went to bed early with the dogs.  They love it when that happens.  The Camry pushed water as I headed into the sawmill this morning, and it was still dark like my mood.  I couldn't shake it all day and still can't put a name to the aggravation I feel.  Maybe just the helpless feeling that comes with surrender.

Serendipity ~

dead skunk in the middle of the road

I've been dodging one for almost a week but the hawks have pretty much cleaned up.  Last night I went to the cabin to look for Christmas ornaments and immediately got sidetracked with all the stuff upstairs.  There is a LIVE skunk under the porch there and Oscar must have pissed him off because it smelled like Cheech and Chong up in Daddy's old office.

So, I'm tickled to death to not be at Black Friday events anywhere but here at Pecan Lane.  The estimated rent increase just for windows and doors is 150 bucks so it looks like paint will have to wait.  I'm barely on my feet and can't take on much more.  That improvement should help with heating and cooling costs.  Hopefully.  Maybe.  We'll see.  It blows my mind to think about how much I've spent in 28 years to live here and I have nothing to show for it.  I will be the one who goes looking for somebody to take me in after retirement!  I can probably qualify for low income housing then.

William the washer guy is busy so no service call until Tuesday.  Meanwhile, Exceed sat wireless failed to inform their installer that mine was cancelled so he showed up in the 'burg.  Sorry.  Also not in the budget.  FedEx ( and everybody else ) can't find the address here because the owner changed the name of the road and evidently I'm off the grid.  They always call when they can't locate.  Hopefully the laptop will be delivered today.

There are messes to clean and piles to sort so I'm outta here to see what can be accomplished in one day off.  Keep the faith kids.

give thanks

I have this tune stuck in my head from church that starts with "give thanks to the lord above..." and I want to hear it but it's not in the hymnal and who knows who wrote it.  I remember hearing the choir perform it when  we returned to the fold as a family for something or other with BG in tow.  Our family had been separated and we were ( against all odds ) together again...in church, no less.  Our spiritual upbringings couldn't have been more different with he as a walkaway from the wrath of God and me the faithful one believing in love and forgiveness.  In his eyes, he couldn't  allow himself to worship while he was still "sinning".  I never really understood that philosophy other than a way to avoid the whole thing.  I've been in and out of love with the church proper all my life, but never stopped believing in the goodness of humanity.  It is what makes the hellish dialogue that is our daily life worth struggling for.

Chicago is and always has been a tough town.  I cannot imagine being in law enforcement anywhere that big and crime ridden.  With that being said, I will tell you that if the work situation is so out of control that something like that tape I saw can happen, somebody needs EAP.  The officer in question had been reprimanded time after time for bullying incidents but no official action was ever taken.  Now, granted the tape was blurry and I didn't see the knife, only when dude shot his ass more than once on the ground.  And the talking heads say "this shit can be altered."  Alrighty then.  I guess that's why it took so long for it to be released ( without sound ) and viewed by the general public like me.  I'm sure he had a knife and was waving it around like they said.  He was running like a scalded dog when they cornered him  and probably way high.  HOWEVER......you fill in the blanks.

We had a brief but enjoyable lunch at the home out of a Cracker Barrel box and the leftovers are in the frig.  Beats the hell out of cooking for a day.  Here there and everywhere people are gathered with their family du jour for a meal and some happy thoughts, well.  Except for the ones with drunk GOP uncles!  T and I had a three way convo with Peyton yesterday while I sought advice on wifi.  I am seriously glad we talked because I was about to make a HUGE mistake with a sat company.  Contracts are for the birds.

Somewhere in late spring of this year I could see that my ship was sinking and I needed relief.  That's when I visited BAD with the law dog and got my train on the right track.  There will be 5 years to pay and I might die before then but hopefully the court won't take my life insurance from BG.  She'll need that to move to Fiji and spread my ashes.  We are world weary around here to say the least and, at this point, just going through the motions.  Sometimes though, that's the best thing to do.

Keep on believing, no matter what.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

tears of thanksgiving

I received an unexpected call from Joe the monument guy today telling me that Daddy's stone was in place so I cruised by after work for a look-see.  The front side is standard but the back holds his bronze VA plaque and it is beautiful.  Mom has been so worried about him out there with no marker other than the tiny grinning picture and my ratty little flag.  It's been easy to find him lately because I know about where and there's dirt with no grass.  That will change next year, and I will have to memorize the location.  It's all ready for Mama whenever her time comes which shouldn't be soon because she's been kind of "sprunty".  That's a word she made up to describe feeling a bit cocky.  Her sadness comes and goes but not nearly as frequently as before, and she is adapting to a new home and routine.

Evidently a lot of people are taking four days off ( not me ) and it's one of the busiest travel days of the year. Once again, my day consisted of putting out fires with blood and blood products.   Sickness knows no holiday and I've been doing it for 38 years.  HOWEVER...I'd be seriously pissed if I were a retail worker and had to clock in.and sell jojos or blue light specials.

My turkey and dressing will be picked up, delivered to the home and enjoyed by our little tribe in Mama's room.  Bubba makes sure she has plenty of plates and whatnot so thankyouverymuch people who gave me Cracker Barrel cards when Daddy died.  We shall dine thankfully on your generosity.  Bubba and Lauren are off and I plan to join them during my lunch time.  Depending on workflow, of course.  If the gods don't work with me, they can bring us a plate.

I am barreling down toward the regular income I had prior to the summer so I'm trying to spend wisely like on health items and electronics.  BG has been dreaming about her own daddy, still lost in the grief that is unique to being a young woman suddenly without her biggest cheerleader.  I try, but I have boundaries.  He never did and that makes what they had a very special bond.  She has learned things from him that I could never teach like commitment and purpose and devotion to sobriety.

I say we stay out of the whole Turkey/Russia thing and save our strategy for ISIS.  Babysteps, y'all.  Terrorism comes in many forms and they can't all be just stomped out like a stray fire.  There is organization and passion and generations of hatred woven into the actions of terrorists, and that includes the white home grown ones here in the USA.

I passed my neighbor's mother being hauled on a trailer by her daughter-in-law on a four wheeler.  She had a little plastic bag and had been picking up a few pecans, which is about all we have this year.  She even invited me to eat with them!  These people definitely get a cake.

Gobble gobble ~

the girl who knew too much

We are minus some folks up at the sawmill because um..times are tough all over.  With that being said, I did enjoy our conversation this morning regarding blood utilization.  Because, well it's been my life for a lot of years.  I just about croaked when I saw that Russian plane get shot down.  It's been a lot of years since things were, as they say, precarious worldwide.  It's pretty much a (insert your favorite race) fire drill at this point.  Yeah that one...the one your first grade teacher taught you to fear with order!  I'm not saying I don't trust Putin...I really kind of do.  We just need to make wise moves in forming alliances because the ultimate goal is to get rid of terrorism.  Right?  No more dead people..right?

Do not dare get your pompous Republican asses up in my face and say no to refugees from Syria when you have failed the least of these who already live here.  Our entire state is a financial and operational hub for corporate healthcare with a UT homeboy as mascot.  And now United is dropping the ACA so there's that.  Don't even get me started on Trump.  Hospitals are dying on the vine because they are forced to treat bullshit urgent care type of stuff just to make money.  In a CYA sort of way, that doesn't make much sense.  Most people don't know enough about the system to even begin to think about lawyering up.  I was a part of a team that investigated a suit many years ago and I almost got fired for crying.  It was me and Bossfriend against the entire surgery department and we were like lambs to the lions because actually?  That's what true risk management consists of.  The ability to say I messed up, I'm sorry and let's move on and make this a better place!  

Some days I actually think it will happen.  Today was one of those.

^j^  

never never land

I've never been very daring when it comes to life choices.  If it's gonna' cause drama, I pretty much avoid it these days.  My friend and fellow bitch Shannon is pitching for ideas for a good yet inexpensive gift for a 21-23 year old male.  I suggested, as you guessed it.  Beer!  This woman has her hands full with more drama than any one mama should be able to take yet she still manages to crack me up on a daily basis.  There's something comforting about a friend you can call bitch as a compliment.

Ryder's puppy Maggie has been out romping lately with her daddy and BG visited with them today. They pretty much stay on that side of the golf course as if they know where home base is.  Ryder's death was yet another loss that preceded most of the human ones and it hurt just as much.  It was, however, a real joy pimping those pups.  They were born in cold weather under the floor of our barn and didn't come out for a month.  Then all of a sudden there were 9 in the flower bed tromping through mud and hearts.  That's how blessings come from tragedy.  The people that I met and bonded with and who showed compassion to me during that time are angels.

This will be our second Thanksgiving but first Christmas away from the homestead.  Mr. Administrator says no home visits for six months plus it's all scattered with stuff memorabilia and whatnot, just waiting to be explored on a snowy day.  The plan is to move the log cabin up the hill to sit on the bluff behind the dairy barn.  That way crops are not working around it and she gets to sit at the point with the most beauty of any on this farm.  My the time all is said and done, there will be a compound right here on the lane.   My new best friend is the painter named Salvador.  Nothing happens until January which is fine because I'm about to get broke.  I spent the last of what money I had left from my "inheritance" on a laptop, tablet and wireless.  If I am to ever get ahead, I need the right tools.

With that being said, I'm thankful that isis got the shit bombed out of their oil trucks, that Bernie is gaining steam and that Trump will more than likely being the butt of many more memes.  That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.  If karma will have it, I might just get to have a voice at the sawmill.  Stay tuned.

Humility ~

let's go krogering!

We've been pretty much eating out because the things we have in-house require too much prep and there's no dishwasher.  Thus, the joy of finger foods.  Taking my time and fully expecting to see my brother I went light except for the ingredients for the famous triple fudge chocolate cakes that shall be made soon.  I'll start with 4 and see how that goes.  We did, indeed, meet up in the meat department where we discussed our Thanksgiving plan among other things.  Everybody is scurrying around scooping up what they need to avoid another trip.  Wore my old ass out!  I saw old friends there and they looked as tired as me and Bubba.  Hell...everybody's tired.  Enough with the drama.

Mama was getting dressed when I stopped by and we chose an outfit from among her many, with an eye on the freezing temperature.  No wind though, so it's good.  Over the past five years I've seen her be rushed out the door to a church service way too early for her.  Lots of "spells" over that kind of bullying.  But here's the thing.  Daddy could not help what happened to his brain.  Dementia, particularly chemically induced like his, comes in a lot of different shapes.  His was OCD and control.

Mom has always been the peacemaker..a buffer between her fear of confrontation and Daddy's rage.  He softened after BG was born and they had so many good times together when she was little.  LP, he called her.  And none other than Max and Sally started that nickname.  My neighbor has her mother living there plus a house full of cousins.   She gave me a ride to pick up the Cadi and we discovered that we, too, have ties to the past.  Funny how that works sometimes.

As for you FB trolls, just know that I'm past being mad and am now just sad but you don't scare me or even make me think.  Cut and paste rants are a coward's way out when a real discussion is  in progress.  That means you TOz and also CAE.  At some point in dialogue when one side strikes out at "the other", nobody really has a chance to be in the middle.  Do y'all not see how that works???  A gentleman from long ago offered to bury one in my honor this week.  I thought that was mighty sweet.

So...I'm still letting Anonymous get my interest when I should know better by now.  If the big outlets don't run your news, it's not been fact checked or it's just plain dangerous.  That being said, anybody who is out at major crowd type events any freakin' where right now better be prepared to run.  Just saying.  That's why you'll find me here on Pecan Lane with my tribe.

Love ~

blognesia

I am such a faithful writer blog addict that I come up in here everyday on Mama's keyboard with the fat yellow squares and pour my innermost thoughts out to the world.  Forgetting that I do that makes it sort of funny when I tell a story in person and somebody says "I know" and I'm like "How?"  Duh.  There's my sign.  Over the years and three different sites I have done everything from type in caps ( scream ) to weave stories from my own experiences.  Very little of it is made up because, well.  You just CAN't make that shit up sometimes.  My neighbor dropped me off to pick up the Cadi this morning and I discovered that she is originally from here.  What a small world.  I wrote a check to Patterson Brothers that equals a month's worth of rent after windows and paint.  And she is chilling in the back in front of the old barn.

So now Brussels is getting interesting in a smart sort of way where the government just shuts the whole thing down and tells everybody to stay home.   I can't wait to see what kind of shitstorm happens in this country if it comes to that.  Hey..sometimes you gotta' do what's necessary to figure out who the bad guys are.  Meanwhile the refugees are stuck in Europe because our states are refusing them.  On top of all that, Al Q is not dead and they're jealous of all the attention ISIS is getting so they're acting up.

We started watching Amy Schumer do standup comedy on cable eons ago.  I had forgotten how damn funny she is until BG got Trainwreck which also features a couple of SNL favorites.  Not everybody gets her kind of humor, but I totally do.  Most people will tell you that I march to a different drummer and I wear that like a badge of honor.  Not to be "different" or difficult but to be who I am inside the old soul that is the Poopster.  It's rainy, cold and dark and this house is dimly lit.   Time for some candles and a seance I suppose.  Anything to keep the faith, you know.

Humor ~

a haute mess

Lord have mercy kids, TGIF and the sawmill is behind us.  I am more committed than ever to finding an alternate revenue stream because I can't do much more in an environment where chaos reigns.  I have too many talents that aren't recognized and respected to be doing what I do for a paycheck that just covers the bills.  Life is short and then you die.

Mali..additional carnage in the name of Allah.  Refugees: The "new" enemy.  Nobody much except for Bernie is speaking up and that's disturbing.  When I saw the number of Dems on that no refugee vote I had to wonder just how far left of Trump that they are.  One of them was from the great state of Tennessee, by the way.   Remember when all those countries had uprisings with the moniker "Spring"?  That was the birth of this current wave of unrest.  At about the same time people were also "Occupying" to protest big money control of the world.  And here we are, with more blood on our hands.

We are still a one car family but the Cadi is at least in the bay and should be available for next week's hectic schedule.  Mama is 82 today and got cards, flowers and lots of calls.  I told her we would catch up with birthday treats when I get a ride!  She could probably use some cookies from Joe's Deli or something...they are to die for, especially when warm. I've got nothing really smartassy to say because I'm feeling a lot of humility at the moment.  Let's just leave it at that and call it a week.

God is good, all the time ^j^



.

it's a beautiful day

When I was a young hippie my favorite song was White Bird.  Years later, I heard it in the soundtrack of a movie with Diane Lane and remembered being young and all caught up in something I didn't really understand other than everybody was pissed and a lot of people got shot, much like present times.  It hurts my soul to realize that the devil is alive and well and actually gaining on us.  The co-dependent in me asks "do I do enough?" while the realist whispers "do your part."  My loyalty is fierce and true and goes away quickly when no respect is shown.  Just call it an old woman thing

My friend Linda Sue gave me a ride home today and we stopped by to meet James and look at her new floors.  Her family is home to not one but THREE calicos, a black cat and Daisy.  And probably a few more out back.  We even made a pit stop at Raceway, the home of expensive beer and cheap gas.  I hear the Forked Deer is flooding and the wreckers have been running pretty steady up at Patterson Brothers so the Cadi still isn't fixed.  One more day, says Ann.  The land shark will pimp again!

We were talking about holidays today and I realized that I've worked every one of them this year which is probably why my life seems all jumbly and run together.  Or maybe it's just the sheer magnitude of grief that still weighs us down, collectively...as a family.   Last Thanksgiving both my mama and her sister were residents at a nursing home close to the sawmill.  Bubba and Mo catered Cracker Barrel into the conference room which was already stacked with Christmas decorations.  I was working ( for time and a half ) and walked over to join everybody for lunch.  I'm not sure who picked Daddy up from the house, but he was there.  All of Debbie's children and some of Mo's were present with their own broods and it was a sight to behold.  It seems much longer than a year.  

LS and me passed the cemetery this afternoon and I do believe I spotted a foundation for Billy (ie) G's stone.  Tomorrow is Mama's birthday so y'all all give her a call or a card.  She likes that kind of thing.  If I have a car I will show up for the birthday party.  If not, I'll call a cab.  

Integrity ~ 

hoarder

It's time to pay the piper for being the eldest daughter and granddaughter.  Everybody's stuff from each house that has been vacated has migrated to mine or a cousin's place so we can sort and treasure.  That is precisely how my house came to be filled with all things in piles.  New windows, doors and paint are a great reason to organize and move the shit.  There is a full basement, though it leaks.  That leaves the attic with about ten ginormous steps.  I may have to hire the Budge It guys again!  Good news on the Cadi from Ann...for only six hundred bucks it will run again.  Maybe.  At least the heads weren't blown.

FB is covered with folks bickering over history refugees and meanwhile, Rome burns.  Unemployment, though much better, is still high.  Healthcare is out of reach for many and the reason the rest of us keep working past retirement age.  I'm not nearly naive enough to trust that either Medicare or SS will be there for me in 7 years so I am resigned to the fact that I'll work until I die of some stress related illness from working too much.  It's the 'Merkan way.

A friend once remarked that I seem to be negative about everything which kind of shocked me.  He said I was against Christianity and law enforcement and all things authoritarian which is true only about 10% of the time and that is when rights are trampled.  I am the lone progressive in my family as well.  Needless to say, we don't discuss politics on holidays if we even happen to all get together which is hit and miss.  My mother always made sure that every single one of us gathered at a Martha Stewart decorated table for holiday meals.  Thanksgiving is at lunch and Christmas is late breakfast complete with Gaga's cheese grits.

The power of being positive in a world filled with hatred is about all we can pray for.  It's not about who comes over our borders or if the mentally ill can steal guns from their shoot-for-fun parents.  All of this chaos is a manifestation of the devil and Satan is real.  That sneaky snake hides until people are complacent and comfortable and then strikes fear in the hearts of innocents.  If we harden our hearts based on what ISIL does, we are letting them win.  Nobody wants them to win except them.  IMO they have pissed off the wrong folks in succession and there will be hell to pay.  Bomb the sumbitches to high heaven, just no ground war because they're steady filling up suicide vests as we speak.

And always keep the faith.

more!good!news!

The Cadi is still parked on a side street next to the wrecker house and  insurance won't pay for a rental.  Thanks to the wonders of Big Ernie I am off tomorrow so BG can use the (trusty) Camry to report back to work until we find out if it's fixable.  If not, I'll be giving you a holla' for a ride home. It is what it is and I don't have a clue how this is gonna' play out.  Considering the whirlwind year, I've learned to just coast.  My golf course neighbors have a strange cat with a collar and we chatted about it in the parking lot of the sawmill today.  Things are, shall we say, *austure* up in there.  This is never a good thing when people are sick and dying.

As a rural hospital we struggle with a different sort of overload than big city trauma centers.  Most of our folks except for the occasional car wreck or broken hip, are suffering from multiple issues involving end state organ failure.  They are chronic and repeat admissions, becoming more and more frequent as they age.  They also have good insurance ( some of them ) and the cash flow is always moving this way or that.  This year we added an interventional cardiology program which involved a whole bunch of money and not much action. The plan went like this : We cath and stent you with absolutely no cardiac surgery ability on site with a freakin' helicopter running on the pad during the procedure.  Does this sound like a solid to you?  This is all in the grand diagnose and treat thing that was hatched by a previous O who rode on out into the sunset.  I knew when I saw the HMA merger that life as we knew it was over.  That was a huge acquisition for even the big fish  and involves not only hospitals but those tedious little physician practices that feed the system.

Nothing that I've said here is not common knowledge so don't even think about lawyering up or retaliation.  Ya'll have never seen the stink that will happen if somebody dares to ask more of me for less.  Ain't got time for that.  I took Mama a cherry limeade and we chatted about her neighbor who calls everybody "sweetheart" and is well, confused.  She was half asleep "watching" TV. There's a turkey meal for families on Friday and we're making plans for several dressing feasts.  Hey..it's only once a year.As karma and Big Ernie would have it I am blessed with an unexpected day off tomorrow unless K shows up at work.  Let's all hold hands and manifest that not to happen, umkay?

Tis the season ~

riding the wave

For months on end the news has been covered with a refugee crisis so huge that people are willing to risk their lives at sea and borders to get away from the bad guys.  That is how terror works best....divide and conquer.  The generation that is now training for jihad has no memory of happier times with less conflict because it has always been thus and so for them.  They claim to be fighting a war, but they are simply bullies wielding their power like the fat guy on the schoolyard who can crush you just because.  There is a long streak of paranoia up in there as well and somehow they trust each other explicitly to carry out "the mission" probably because it is easy picking  with civilians to brand your terror.

Mexico is not our friend and never has been.  They used the idiotic drug policy of this country to mainline all things pharma via train plane and coyote. Ditto for guns.  I read a piece today that mentioned Turkey calling out one of the Paris bombers not once but TWICE to French authorities over the past year.  This kind of information sharing is vital if the madness is to ever stop.  If your government can't afford the homeland security to do that, ask Trump for a loan.  It would make a great campaign story.

I don't blame Bush for everything and certainly not our POTUS but I do lament the fact that they both had chances to do the right thing and didn't.  Had the "conflict" in Iraq been settled quickly instead of politically correctly and with much financial gain to Halliburton, we would have all been for it.  Instead we have a generation of folks who signed up to protect and serve our country and who now have their benefits cut.  They returned to a post-08 crash world in which there were very few jobs and the economy was tanked.  Everybody is an armchair politician these days and there is still a dangerous division between parties.  That's what is so refreshing about having a choice like Bernie.  So what if he's a Socialist?  It would take a hundred years to undo the financial protections that are the government propping up Wall Street.

Brother called with an estimate of rent increase for windows/doors/paint and I'm looking at probably an additional 150.  This was once a nice house and so it shall be again.  Maybe I'll write a book and make a million.  No diagnosis on the Cadi yet as they are short one mechanic and behind because *sigh* Monday.  I showed up at work to a shitstorm this morning and moved my ass like I haven't in a very long time. I knew the slow spell wouldn't last.

Faith ~  

on being the bug

Considering that I wasn't just murdered in Paris I'd say life is good.  I slept for 13 hours and actually feel like working on the mess that is my house.  Yesterday I did some surface work down at Mama's to get ready for whatever comes next.  Cousin Mo is on a cruise ship with her recently clotted up husband, doing fine  thanks to blood thinners.  As a Vietnam vet, he has suffered with a lot of post-war health problems.  Agent Orange and all that.  Mom is back in her groove and at church with Carney, maker of the world's finest pimento cheese.  Had I woken up in time I probably would have gone to early service.  That's more my speed.

With the Cadi dead (again) it's looking like I need to find a reliable used car which is difficult when you are in BK.  The trustee must give permission and since I have two ( kinda' sorta') it's a nono.  As I watched Patterson Brothers load it up one last time for a diagnosis on Monday, I marveled at  how many times we have used a wrecker service JUST this year.  They know us by name and know that we'll pay but it's becoming more and more difficult to get where you need to go around here.  I guess I could always call a taxi like Mama did.

I've been sitting on a monetary gift for several months now, knowing that eventually the shit would hit the fan and I'd need it.  I have squandered too much cash over the years by not paying attention to spending habits or keeping up with balances.  Y'all would die if you knew how much I paid in OD fees just this year.    That I am not fighting those battles anymore is something I can thank BAD and Liz for.  I actually had to get my hearing moved two weeks when he died because of funeral prep.  You can't make this stuff up.

As we were leaving  the FH that day word came in that a well known farmer had passed.  And then people just kept on dying.......I'm not real sad about Daddy anymore because I know the quality of life he had and it wasn't good.  He was OCD and defiant to the very end, at least until he hit the ER that Sunday night.  Then, he just laid back and let the morphine work.  Sometime during the night I went home and changed into scrubs, knowing that I'd have to report to work about the time he was admitted.

What followed was six weeks of chronic elder care which involves passing back and forth from SNF to hospital and over again.  The surgery department was "lightly staffed" meaning the boss was on vacation.  Dr. Anesthesia is pretty impressed with the way we cover their backs with blood and such and I stomped my little feet until the surgeon did something...like anything.  He was put to sleep three times, held NPO more than that and died of a lung condition that results from too much you know what.   Plus sepsis.

This is what I do for a living...diagnostics and patient care.  During my career I've seen the laboratory go from boiling test tubes to almost full automation.  The big dogs like Quest run brazillions of tests every year often over ordered by physicians desperate to cover their ass  for a diagnosis.  Specimens are picked up by car in designated areas and taken to Memphis for transport overnight to Chantilly or Atlanta or Egypt.  Thank you FedEx!  The state of Tennessee runs a lab in Nashville that performs PKU testing and monitors things like reportable diseases.  We do not have Medicaid because the Republicans won't allow it.  I did, however, read today that the state coffers have 300 plus million in the black for our budget.  Probably from lottery.

Anybody who has a grandma that just lost her keys, let me know if she has a car that just got driven to church.  Let's manifest this kids ^j^

we have seen the enemy

Like so many others I am in shock over the terror in Paris.   It was obviously well planned by people who believe that Allah will welcome them with open arms and lots of virgins.  Boy will they be surprised.  And once again, like in the aftermath of 9/11, all Muslims will be labeled blindly as terrorists when it is the radicals that are acting out.  We ( as in all the world ) are sitting ducks for the hatred of this so called holy war.  There is nothing holy OR honorable about killing innocents.  The politicians will argue to spend more or less on defense and we will continue to be surprised when homeland security fails us.  Radicals and extremists come in many different disguises and appeal to a specific audience, and that includes self proclaimed Christians who carry long guns and harass those who believe differently than their KJV of religion.  Terror? You bet.

The fact that these kinds of attacks are carried out internally with assistance from others all over the world is quite disturbing, just as it was for us.   It won't be long before some bozo with a  mental illness decides to strap on a suicide belt and join the carnage for one moment of fame.  When you see no way out, desperation is a mighty motivation.  We are just like Russia and France and England and all the other countries who have been targets and there is no way to win other than securing the borders and focusing on safety.  All of the political rhetoric and posturing will not change this because it is based on burning hatred of our western ways.

I write out of fear many times, and this is one of them.  I believe that this is a great country that has gone rogue on us and dropped the care of the least of these, including veterans, on the curb while the Waltons and Kochs spend billions on unfair labor practice and polluting the earth.  We did that through buying into the greed of more is more and less is not enough.  Get a bigger  SUV or truck so you can burn more carbon...yeah!  Send the chicken to China, the home of  bird flu, to be processed and then  pimp it at Kroger.  Let your right to affordable healthcare become a political mandate and give the insurance companies more power.  It's all a shell game and we are the losers.

My friend GWeez had this old saying : "Sometimes I think well.  And sometimes I think never mind."  That's about the size of  it for me right now.  Gotta' get out of my head.

Peace ~

dust in the wind

Those green and yellow combines are picking the shit out of some beans and there is much dust in the crisp autumn air.  I can actually feel the grit on my skin some days.  It is the harvest season of the last year that my father lived at home and reigned over everybody's kingdom.  And his flowers are still alive.  I'm still pretty wiped out emotionally because, well.  I don't need a reason because grief takes a toll.  Over the past month I've kind of floated along waiting for things to get better and slowly they have.  Our family is learning how to be in a different way out of necessity and devotion.  Both are motivators in the top five list.  

Work is busy because everybody's sick all the damn time plus everybody feels threatened because of the culture of pointing out each others' mistakes and failing to take ownership when it's all just a pissing match.  I would never make it as a manager because I like to retreat from reality on a regular basis.  CO will vote next year on their version single payer and it sounds pretty solid to me. A 10% tax with 3 on the insured and 7% on the employer.  It's a win win.  When you get the feds/Wall street out of something, it can only get simpler. Plus they've got all that legal weed revenue to play with.  

We still haven't had a frost and I wouldn't be surprised if it happens next week.  I was all excited about having an extra day off and figured out this morning I won't get it after all.  Precious and few, y'all.  I watch the air evac flights take off from behind our building and marvel at the capabilities that weren't there even 10 years ago.  When they started, the headquarters was behind a bunch of  nightclubs, one of which I frequented.  Well, okay both of them.  That was in my groupie days.  My brother and some partners bought the old Century 21 building and spent several years trying to make a go of it.  Everybody loved the venue and it was a good thing until Chequers dude got jealous and bought up a freakin' Christian amusement park that got sued  THEN proceeded to open a nightclub.  Don't you just know Jesus loved that? Once Barnett got cranked up and stole the business packed his house, it wasn't long until the bar of cards fell.  I'm pretty sure I caught something cleaning up that kitchen but I had a damn good time doing it.  Plus I met Jimi Jamison!   Enjoy your weekend and call your mother.  I just gave mine a holla' and offered her an update on the bean dust.  

*goggles please * 

  

 

onward

We  picked out a stone for the grands Daddy today and it seemed like a reasonable tribute to a lovely couple only half of whom are deceased..  Their love was fierce, and still is.  I tried to play like " I need to go home" and she called Bubba on me resulting in a lot of  yelling and the eventual purchase of said stone, as of tomorrow morning.  He told me he wanted to do it on a Friday but noooooooo....

I am at a point in life where I see the devil incarnate at every turn because, dude is tricky and preys on greed and pride.  At 60 I have lived long enough to recognize the times in my earthly life that evil was around.  Sometimes I gave in, and other times I stood strong.  I have never EVER thought that things were bad enough to go suicidal.  A proper southern upbringing wouldn't allow for that kind of mess.

Since we have no live TV I had to Google the debate today to see who said what and it sounds like more of the same except Rand the Lib came out talking a bit more like a contender.  Carson, Trump....fluff.  Rubio is a possible because umm.  Meanwhile back here in the great state of Tennessee our Republican government fails to expand Medicaid and accept federal money for the least of these, like veterans. Also, the pastor of a mega-church in NC is living in a home provided UNTAXED valued at a  million plus dollar off the tithes of the faithful.  I don't care if you're a snake handler or an asshat.  Anybody who lives that sort of lifestyle owes the government that pays for basic human services like homeland security and healthcare.  It ain't free kids.  It made my heart swell to see the firefighters of the DFD douse that old building on the square just a week after saving the bean crop.  Love me some cute firemen, just saying.

Speaking of visitors, Bubba and some buddies dropped by yesterday to discuss the window situation and show me the VA plaque.  There was a storm blowing up and I watched until the monsoon came as those tractors and combines worked to beat it.  They lost around dark, by the way.  I watched a few more episodes of the young Botwin Newman clan and drifted on off.   Next week I get to sleep a bit later thanks to budget cuts.  That is also the reason there are no ink pens or markers, paper towels and a few other things.  Hey...it's almost the holidays y'all...where's my ham??

I read a bizarre story today about an 8B healthcare startup that partnered with Safeway to offer clinics with "cheap blood tests" as a value added piece.  The 350M dollar deal represented half of Safeway's revenue for that year.  Now, correct me if I'm wrong but how the HELL does a 19 year old get that kind of capital for a venture of any kind unless they're Trump's kid.  That was 12 years ago and I remember my early 30s enough to know that it's a time when a lot of folks lose who they were and turn into who they will be.  And you know what?  That never stops if you're a big girl.

Tonight's meal will be pork loin baked with brown sugar and pineapple. BG is headed back to Lake Co soon so she's trying to get the house caught up for us.  We can do tiny loads on speed wash thanks to William and we are current with propane guy.

Don't ever forget who you are ~

hump day eve

And almost Veteran's day as well.  My daddy has a little flag that was his planted in the dirt next to his grinning face picture.  If the weather co-operates tomorrow, we will pick out a stone and mark that off the list of to dos.  I feel sure the job will be done before winter.  There is still no grass on top except for a tuft of Bermuda.  Mom hasn't been back since the funeral but then I didn't either for a long time.  He is not there, but in our hearts and souls.  She got her hair did and had lunch with high school classmates so she's about worn out.  I stopped by between work and work to deliver clothes and  Cherry Limeade from Sonic, our new favorite thing to share.  I sucked mine down on the way to a staff meeting.  

The meetings are mandatory and people have to bring their kids to be able to attend so we've watched them grow up.  My newest little friend is Victoria, dark of skin hair and eyes and full of joy.  Her mama is a workhorse and sweetheart.  Not even 2, she can do ABCD and Ooooooh.  Loves Barney and purple or blue anything.  She never cried or squirmed like most of them do when they're little and have to mind..  A perfect little lady, she sat  ( and crawled ) on her mother's lap and seemed to be watching the powerpoint on occasion.  That's where the stats live along with piles of papers for read and sign.  

Another friend brings her son every morning for school delivery and we embarrass the fire out of him by hugging him and being loud.  Matty is a very quiet soul unless he's in the zone and then he talks so fast the words run together.  His mama has eased into a job that was tough to fill and has done it flawlessly with the aid of patient elders.  I tend to forget that they're all so much younger than me but I do feel their pain at times.  One of the pregnant ER nurses told me today she didn't think she'd make it 'til her due date because.....running.  Ayep.  That, we do.  Concrete is tough on the old joints.  

While killing time out in this beautiful day I stopped by Hastings and discovered that used Weeds episodes are only five bucks each.  I spent that on a pack of cigarettes, I'm ashamed to say.  With improvements to the house will come more pride in  non ownership and a great big sigh of thank you to Big Ernie for all the blessings that flow.  They are many, if only we stay still enough to think of them.  

Faith ~

 

a day off with chores

The washer is still sick so I took the giant loads down to Mama's house so as not to totally kill mine before William can get the seal on.  While I was there I wiped down the perpetually sticky counters just because I could.  Those counter tops always drove me crazy piled with papers and coated with jelly.  The floors are sticky too.  The petunias that Daddy planted ( and Lori and I REplanted ) are still alive and I have a pot in my back yard as well.  I found a little flag that he had stuck in pots and it will go on his grave for
Veteran's Day.  I'm still in that mood where if I don't have to show up for something, I'll stay home.   I guess I could be agoraphobic or something.  Nah, just content.

There is a local guy who is sharing the photography collection of the late Dick Flowers and it's amazing what he has scanned.  I remember Mr. Flowers, husband of Josephine Sigman, and his quirky spirit.  My senior class got to be the lucky ones with him for pics and we were all posed with fake trees!  That entire family is a big chapter in the history of our 'burg.  Brother Bill owned the oldest hardware store in Tennessee and Betty worked there after retirement as a med tech.  She was my teacher at John Gaston all those years ago.   Miss Charlene taught me piano lessons at 7:30 freakin' thirty in the morning.  That's when I quit.

It is still an eerie feeling to be wandering in that old house without the grands in position.  I found Daddy's 2015 date book and he had chiro appointments recorded all the way up through his hospitalization.  Plus there was a notation of where "lunch with the boys" was every Wednesday.  The Round House was his favorite.  Mom is well enough now to get back to Angel's for her hairdo and Tippi will take her tomorrow.  That should give the girl a whole new outlook.

It's quiet and I love it.  Out here you can actually hear the birds and whatnot without a lot of background noise unless a plane takes off or helicopter flies over.  And that, is why I'm still here with new doors and windows on the way.  Thank you sweet baby jeebus!

Forward ~

ramblefest

  I'm fairly certain that folks at the sawmill know my bandwidth  on the web which consists of nothing much but the news and or weather when there's a spare moment.  We eat when we can, sometimes together and at other times taking a bite on the way to our next task which involves gloves and body fluids.  I tried to get blood yesterday from a baby who was obviously not doing well and felt so completely helpless.   This girl is way too old for that kind of drama.

As the blood lady I've had responsibility for stocking the shelves with all types and keeping current on methods of compatibility testing and such.  Our needs are totally supplied by an independent service in Jackson under the leadership of my old friend Joe from the Bronx. Willis G recruited him when Jack retired.  Mr. Smythe was big in the Miss America thing, remember?  Joe was coming from some prince's hospital in the Middle East with his blood banker wife and settled down to get the job done.  Do not let redcross government agencies do your blood if there are alternatives.  Just saying.  Look at what they've done with SS.

The sunset is golden, there are MORE kids on four wheelers and dinner is in the oven thanks to BG.  Life is good on many levels.  I refuse to  give in to the crabfest that is total evil.  Except with Shannon, of course because she's a special kind of bitch reserved for every day.  Own it sister.  Put a freakin'  hat on it and parade it around on the front porch with a glass of sweet tea.

So I'm mad at Amazon because they only have the entire series of Weeds in BluRay which is *not cool* around here.  The washer is running through a test load to see if it floods again which hopefully won't happen but usually does.  William is the sweetest thing and came all the way out here on his day off because he's "behind."  That is so corporate America, y'all.

Touched base with baby bro and Mo and there's lots on the calendar for all of us.  It still haunts me that I skipped out on that Christmas party at her house.  It was, indeed, the last as we knew it in the family way.  Ron has had a flare but he's fine and everybody's home from the VA in Memphis.  That's 80 miles away you know. Plus, Vietnam and Agent Orange and all that.  I have had my Bernie bumpersticker for several months now and just today slapped it on the Camry.  Hey...it's been busy.

I have a lead on a car that sounds promising so let's all  manifest that for me.  At 60 it's time to not have to worry if the car will start.  Resisting the passive aggressive attempts that come my way is a real struggle, especially with family members.  That's when I just take a deep breath and think happy thoughts.  Life is a highway, or a road if you will.  The choices that we make along that road will be our legacy.

Letting go ~


                             

gi joe

Like the rest of the nation I've watched as his hero's funeral turned into a pack of lies that couldn't be avoided.  I know someone who tried to hire a hitman and he's gonna' be locked up for, like...ever.  He got caught up in the game, which is something that happens when greed takes over.  Law enforcement is a particularly dangerous occupation when dealing with addicts.  Somebody told me the COs smuggle crack up in there.  "Why, I asked?".   Money, was the reply.  It is a model of organization rife with corruption and good old boy politics with lots of bosses and too many Indians to handle.   It is a self perpetuating system where treatment is not a viable option and the local government bounces around the usuals from court to court.  There is Mr. Hal and his bunch, bless 'em.  If memory serves me correctly Judge Lee Moore set that deal in motion.  The sawmill was buzzing with activity today and my old ass is tired from the scurrying.  BG got her nest made while I was working and even got to see her cousin on 'Noler's side, Helen's son.  There's a guy headed my way with a motor for the washer, thankyouverymuch.  If it doesn't leak, we're in business.

Mama's pretty happy until we talk for more than five minutes and then I have to hit speaker for the litany of complaints.  She is dead set on getting Daddy a stone this month and so it shall be.  We can even put flowers on it for Christmas and Easter.  I haven't ever done that, BTW but I feel like it's coming.  My home is filled with sounds of laughter and hope now, a new beginning for this family which separates but always reunites as a tribe, even if only temporarily.  I know so many people who are hurting and don't know anything to do but give up.  I can relate, because I've wanted to many times.

Oddly enough it is my father's heritage that makes me a survivor.  He found balance and  beauty with nature and lived every farmer's dream.  That was major for someone who grew up as a child of the Great Depression.  The war (s) are what fueled our economy and always have.  The man who owned this farm bought it with $$ he made from selling raincoats to the US government around 1915ish?  His name was Forrest I believe, from St. Louis.  As the story goes, he bought the original farm and turned it into a showplace during the twenties.  There were orchards, and a huge pig and cattle operation in the dairy barn and beyond.  Son Johnson helped construct that barn and lived down the hill.  My favorite old photo is of Mr. Ed Wright as a boy posing in front of the asparagus shed that once stood in front of my house.  One of them left a chunk to the Catholic church and an actual priest lived on the property up in front of Mrs. Ferguson's house.  UCMTSU.

Over and out ~

jake from state farm

These past few weeks have been filled with phone calls to and from various agencies such as insurance agents and law enforcement peeps.  The lady named Jo at THP knows my voice and number as we have had numerous conversations about an accident report for which time has been served and deals made without said report being filed and made available to Meredith the  adjuster.  *sigh*  The wheels of forward motion turn slowly, but always in Big Ernie's time.

So it's TGIF even though I'm working the weekend.  It's so sad to say that I don't know which holidays I'll be working because the schedule is seriously not normal at the moment due to variables beyond my control.  I suppose "normal" isn't anymore and it's fly by the seat of your pants from here on out.  It is what it is, you know.  The O's are all in a huddle trying to make sense of our terrible financial situation so that they can get bonuses and whatnot.  It happens every fall, people.

Most financial decisions are made on the basis of productivity vs. bottom line.  The bad part about being in a "division" is that when one of your sisters has a bad year, you get lumped in with them.  Focusing on front line operations and problem solving can do a lot when your company isn't tied to the performance of 200 others.  In fact, that is what it takes to turn the tide with patient satisfaction if that's what it's about.  According to Medicare, it is.

As it turns out somebody in Egypt supposedly put a bomb in the baggage compartment of that jet bound for Russia.  Scientists would call this too bad a conspiracy theory of  Middle Eastern proportions.  I wish I could find an explanation for that kind of horror, but I cannot.  Maybe it's like my Daddy said " it has always been thus and so."  The high point of my day was seeing "Mr.Obama" kill the Keystone project after it's already half way built.  I suppose that the volatility of the earth around Nebraska could be a factor because....fracking.

Bernie continues to kick ass and take names.  Jeb came out about his daughter's addiction and, bless her heart, there was a lot of pressure up in that family for an extended period of time.  Most of it was political, I feel sure, and not of her making.  I can certainly relate, if you know what I mean but I won't vote for him ever.  HW has my heart with his take on Cheney and Rumsfeld.

 Today I ran into the trainer who cut me slack this summer while my world was crashing.  Out of a class of about 30 she chose four go-getters to be front line folks with the Quantificient method of quality improvement and I approve the entire selection.  Had I been 20 years younger and not so burdened with real life, I would have been one too.

Nothing else to see here but cloudy skies and an upbeat attitude ^j^

global warming

Today is November 5th and my AC is on which is not at all unusual for Tennessee.  While driving to the gentral' this morning I started seeing flashing fairy dust on the road meaning a migraine is imminent.  Staying inside helps, a LOT.  The mold has jumped into action what with all the dead leaves and dampness and it is one of my worst enemies.  My basement is a veritable powerhouse of mold, thus we have it in the air up here too.  I got news from corporate today that I will be getting new windows, exterior doors AND an inside paint job.  That little piece of info gave me a reason to look ahead and stay in forward motion.

Third time was the charm at the THP so BG can now drive restrictively in the honorable and stylishly funky Cadi.  This car has a huge ass engine that drinks oil and gas for breakfast but it has served us well since Count Zubrovka delivered it two years ago.  I did some laundry at her place where she will be leaving on Saturday and schlepped on back home to my dryer with the hemostat controls.  Some friends are meeting for dinner and I had to bow out because I'll be in bed by the time they get there!  Hee.  What an old lady I am.  My mother tells me to "go out and have some fun."  What she doesn't realize is that staying at home is the most fun in the world for me.  My car instinctively heads this way after work or a couple of hours out for errands.  

BG got the stomach bug from me and is only on about day 3 so she has a ways to go with it.  I can't remember being that miserable for that long in forever.  If you ask me, it was Ebola.  I read the official response from MSF today on the strikes that killed patients and doctors at their facility.  Don't take my word for it....google that bitch and read all about it.  It was a fully operational hospital with 105 patients clearly marked by the flag of their organization.  Shame on you, whomever was responsible.  Jesus has your name.  

That brings to mind the current guns/mental health debate where everybody points fingers at mental illness to defend lax gun laws yet offers no answers for the dilemma.   A man open carrying a long gun was reported to CO police and continued to do his murder spree because "it's legal" there.  Was he mentally ill?  Obviously.  Had he not been given the right to carry a deadly weapon in public that point would be moot.  Bite my ass 2nd amendment fruitcakes.  Jesus has y'alls names too.  

This day reminds me of one several years ago when Daddy drove up to find me sitting on the porch watching the leaves swirl in the pre-front warm air.  "You waiting for fall to come in?" he asked.  By this point it's usually straight to winter with November as our typical first frost date.  That's when the kudzu will die overnight and reveal this year's hidden bodies.  It's a southern thing, y'all.  Also Tennessee is now home to an exploding armadillo population which I never saw until I was adult.  That was Texas stuff, if you know what I mean.  I wonder how they got across the Mighty Mississippi?

My friend John Ruskey has just finished a Rivergator tour down to the Gulf and has stunning pictures.  He, Michael Clark, Brian Waldrop and Jim Jayroe are my favorite riverguys because they actually walk the walk by going above and beyond for Mother Earth. When the zombies show up, these folks will survive. 

We have a sale penciled in for February or March if all goes according to plan, which usually doesn't around here.  If weather patterns repeat those two months will be iced over but then there's the global warming thing so there you go.  We shall see!

Grace to you and yours ^j^

.  

if only

Most of us live life putting off the happies until we "have time" or something.  Joy can wait until we are thinner/fatter/single/in a relationship.......and on and on.  I'm guilty and my face is on a poster somewhere as being the one so obsessed with details that she misses random beauty.  I haven't always been that way, you know.  The animals that have crossed my path this year each have given me a nugget of wisdom about the next fork in the road.  But to hear that voice?  You have to be still and listen.  I'm a great listener because I love hearing the stories people have.  Nobody's is ever the same and I adore the way somebody's eyes light up when they say the name of their own personal saint or drunk uncle.

  Bubba and I crossed paths for rent and whatnot and Mom is headed for dinner at Mo's, more than likely on the antique china.  I just love it when that happens.  Millette was named after my mother and they share the talent of entertaining with flair that puts Martha to shame not to mention Paula.  Every damn one of them would be ashamed of the way this house looks.

I'm off tomorrow and have just enough to do that it's not overwhelming, unless you consider the laundry situation.  Looks might I might be hauling dirties to Four Points and beyond.  In the trusty Camry, no less. With no hubcaps or door handles.  I'm staying current on oil changes because one big incident and I'm taxi bound.   No UCMTSU!  And if you did Anonymous would tell it all. As much as I adore my Southern heritage I remember when minorities and women were not treated equally.  My brain holds images of the products of slavery which was an emancipated people who picked up and moved beyond the bondage of a retribution mentality.  I never saw a black man hanging from a tree or a white hooded redneck with a torch, but I saw pictures and know the drill.  Power ain't what it's all about folks.  The devil is a sneaky snake.

I received a lovely note from my pastor today following our church attendance.  She was really close to Daddy and watched over me and Mom like an angel this past Sunday.  It struck me that the entire service honoring those who have passed was sort of a re-run of Daddy's service and that brought comfort and tears.

Sawmill is tolerable but flu season hasn't started yet.  Ask me then, umkay?  My day off is tomorrow so I've got to get those windows covered for sleeping in.  Right.

^j^

anonymous

The essence of the word, and I'd call it an adjective, is to be unknown.  Twelve steppers the world over will tell you they know that person but nothing but a first name.  In the sanctity of that sharing, there are things that could be harmful if told outside the context of group.  It's the AA equivalent of HIPPA only without the big fines.  The stigma attached to recovery from chemical dependency is one that is reserved mostly for drugs that society has not legalized or condoned except under the supervision of ( doctors who get kickbacks ) and other folks.  ER's are pretty much out of that business so save your drama for the urgent care or foreigner at the pill mill.  They're on every corner, y'all.

I jumped the gun and posted the premature outing of the KKK by you know who and got chastised roundly as was appropriate for irresponsible non-fact checking.  But here's the thing.  As digital wizards we check out the "facts" through sources that we trust.  The US government is not one of those at the moment, in  my book.  Eddie Munster sits  in Boehner's shoes and doesn't look nearly as weary yet.  This dude is  high fiving himself and the party all the way to the White House, or so they think.  Don't look now, but Bernie's gaining on ya'

Before I die I'd like to have some reconciliation with the fact that I've avoided joy most of my life out of fear that manifested itself as micro-management and control.  It wasn't until my body started showing wear and tear from the stress that I was forced to slow down and smell the coffee...or, um...the roses?  Sounds like it's time to find a therapist to read me.  We did the THP-Dyer County courthouse relay this afternoon with still not appropriate paperwork for license.  Hey.  There's always tomorrow afternoon.  I got good news from my buddy at the washer store today except I'm not sure how long it's gonna' take.  If it's not fixed by Saturday we'll just move Mama's in.

And yes, the sunset is to die for.

state of affairs

Oh my what a day!  Anonymous busted out some rednecks and a Russian plane may ( or may not ) have been shot down.  I was late for an appointment and picked up a prescription I didn't know was there just because.  And then I came home and had a beer or three.  I am caring for myself in a pro-active way following a several year very deep valley.  Procrastination is my devil, and one that I probably developed in response to all the details accompanying being a proper Southern young lady.  I was  and still am a free spirit just dying to fly.  When everybody else was "joining" I was listening to rock music and being well.  Different.

In high school for a stunt night I played Janis J with velvet dress, granny glasses and a hefty rendition of Mercedes Benz.  That culture was one where a lot of young people were damaged for a war that should not have been.  I admire the bravery of those there.  I also realize that many of them came back to a dismal state of affairs with new drug habits.  Hey..it's history, you can read it.  The subject came up today about whether Anonymous is telling the truth or just trying to incite racial violence in reverse.  Take the high road, always. The KKK is a hateful vengeful organization based on intolerance and persecution.  They think it's like a video game.  To hell with that man.  If you are outed then prove you're innocent.  And I saw some Dems up in that list too.

I have been free from persecution because I am a middle class white woman.  I don't know how it feels to be an immigrant or ethnic mix.  My roots go all the way back to the Agees in France, I believe.  Sixty years in one idyllic location is grace appreciated and savored.  I don't have a clue who I am anymore other than should be near to retirement and not.  Healthcare has become a commodity and I'm too old for the political drama.  If you are fortunate to find somebody who cares, remember their name.  It's all about patient satisfaction y'all.  Meanwhile I Googled herpegina and was appalled at what this childhood virus can do.  Lester and I relaxed got our timeline up to date while Cash played with the animals.  He especially likes the kitty and is obviously a Mama's boy.   I think he'll be a regular and is a little younger than BabyMan which should be interesting.

The bitch cat is whining again.

cloud of witnesses

Today was the first time Mom and I have returned to the corner of Main and McGaughey since Daddy's funeral in August.  She would have been there earlier had she not broken her wrist right after moving to the home.  Never one to get up and at it early like me and Daddy, she chose the late service.  With the time change came daylight at 6AM so I was awake and being badgered by the bitch cat who needed to be fed, or so she thought. Poor thing would die of starvation if it weren't for me.  The drill goes like this: I put out about a half cup, she picks at it and the dogs eat the rest.  Then she comes back 30 minutes later whining for more.  I swear she called me "mama" this morning.  

All Saint's Day is observed on the first Sunday after Halloween which also happens to be communion Sunday for the UMC.  On the way in one of the Sellers' class members told her they had been discussing what Daddy's hymn of the day would be after one of UT's (few) wins this season.  That got Mama teared up and we went full fledged ugly cry during the bell ringing.  There were two family members for us and several co-workers for me.  The staff of the church and funeral home have been amazing during these passages and so have my friends...even random folks who didn't realize how bad things had gotten for our little tribe.  

Ed's message was based on Hebrews 11...the faith chapter.  With communion, we were urged to light an additional candle for the person that had served as a conduit for spirituality and grace in our lives to where we actually believe.  Of course I had trouble picking   just one so I abstained.  The highlight of the service was when Kate did her acolyte duties flawlessly and remembered the day she, her brother and granny came out to pick a puppy for Doc. Her mom told me it's unreal the way Maggie has bonded with her wayward father Chester.  

Lunch with mom's BFF had to be postponed because of multiple conflicts and it's just as well because she was exhausted by the time I got her back to Casa Janice.  Her old friend Red played doorman and helped her back to the "suite" while I hauled fast food.  With ice cream!  She's had church and food and will probably enjoy a little nap.  I'm working on this ( nasty ass ) house and got the worst thing done this morning before shower time.  

The upcoming week looks busy which isn't a bad thing when stuff is getting accomplished.  We have a mover for next Saturday and I'll be working so it's on BG to make it happen.  I'm just trying to get it all clean before the stuff comes!  It's been like this, a loose arrangement of piles, for several years beginning with the de-construction of Daddy's old shop at the Bizzle house.   The piles are smaller and have more meaning, i.e. can be put in boxes and labeled.  That's what's up.  

Grace and peace ~