Tuesday, September 16, 2014

when it rains

Literally, in my life it pours. I'm not sure if it's me against the universe or just Big Ernie telling me to change my ways but I'm kind of miffed at how things keep coming back around to smack me in the ass. Probably the biggest problem is that I focus on things like reading and writing and trying to change the world rather than budgeting and planning. Reacting to the situation has become normal for me and that's not at all a good way to be. I feel like I'm being tossed around in a vortex landing on my feet just long enough to gather my composure before I get sucked up again. I have one more day of freedom and will spend it more than likely arranging for my mother's transfer to another rehab facility. She was hysterical with worry when she called me last night asking for "my opinion" which she already knew. I think most of it was her worrying about the devil in the details when, in fact, that's all taken care of. I'm so glad for the therapists who have shown me how to not do that. It is, however, part of the beast that is my procrastination. Some would call it passive aggressive behavior...I just call it the hamster wheel. Since sick leave is specifically for recovery I don't feel too bad about not accomplishing anything. Like my friend Kenneth said "nobody has shoulder surgery for fun." The fact that it was an acute injury that went on way too long is my own fault. So are a lot of other things and I own them. My doctor's excuse for back-to-the-sawmill is hanging on the refrigerator and I have yet to visit the nurse who will clear me for duty as there has been no return call. Always with the process.

At this point, I have about 15 rings going in the circus that is my reality. On one stage there is me trying to enjoy my golden years and running around in a circle while the next one displays addiction and betrayal. That one is usually running neck and neck with the eldercare piece. I don't even care about politics anymore unless it pertains to independent thinking outside of the two party system. I don't care who's kicking ass in football or who's doing who unless it affects me. I suppose the word for my current mood would be "grumpy" like the cat. Me and my cousin Mo are staying connected on the Reaves sisters and their status and we just had a long talk that she had to interrupt when she hit Monteagle. Wise move! Millette is a poet with a beautiful soul who is my only surviving blood sister besides Neely and Kristin. According to Money Mike, cousins are siblings you know. That pretty much eliminates the trauma of being a middle child.

Due to unforeseen circumstances my class won't begin until next week but I'm still full of ideas. What is totally amazing to me is that so many elders are dependent on Medicare for their needs and it's a huge rip-off. Providers are often paid pennies on the dollar for providing services because of the standards set by CMS and big insurance follows their lead. This setup has resulted in a fractured system that rarely serves the one who paid for that all their life. Usually, it's about the buck. I visited one last loan shark today and was delighted to find my beautiful friend behind the desk. There's a great big old story of murder and intrigue up in there but I'm saving it for the book.

Gotta make a benadryl run...goldenrod flapping in the breeze!

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