white flag time

As in, I come in peace and give it up. The past ten years with my parents has been a roller coaster of emotions for all of us. The angst of the dark times has been about too much to handle on occasion which is when I step back, take a deep breath and separate from the situation one.more.time. in order to preserve what sanity I have left. I've come to realize that I can't fix, change or otherwise manipulate their living arrangement. As hard as I try to keep them satisfied and cared for, the more they resent me. They are scared of losing control and independence and in my heart I know all that. It's the constant changing of dynamics that gets to me, and the past two weeks have been tough. Daddy has always been physically able to care for Mom with her disabilities. Now, he is not. Multiple falls have just about gotten the best of him and the cane may help but....

Corporate is here and has made the rounds with our community. We visited out under the granny smith trees for a bit while Sally the ever patient border collie sat silently in the truck bed with her nose in the wind. It's like heaven here, and my heart is full of gratitude for having lived the majority of my life with roots that I know about. His visits give us all a chance to revisit our memories. As the story goes, Forrest bought the place and moved here from St. Louis. The Catholic church bought part of it later, and the original family ended up buying it back! Lots of history up in here.

There are lots of things I "should" be doing but as usual I'm putting them off because I just don't have it in me today. Self care is what I need so if y'all need me I'll be in hibernation for the day. Leave a message at the *beep*

the guilt trip

My parents are 83 and 81 respectively and living out their golden years about a mile down the road from me. She is fiercely independent and can be a bit of a nag sometimes so I can feel Daddy's pain about her "spells" when she becomes master of the universe and not quite patient with my situation. I am on call 24/7 as healthcare DPA for the two of them because I'm "almost a nurse." They are on a mission to live out their lives together for better or worse and though I've not experienced that kind of love, I'm happy for them. That they expect me to run interference in a situation where there is nothing that can be done if they won't accept help really wears me out. She asked me to come check out his mental status yesterday and I found her on the floor tying his tennis shoes because the boots got torn up and pitched in the garbage. This is the culmination of a two week run with multiple falls for him. He got a cane today from the DME place and I was instructed to return the other one to the butter churn in the living room where it came from. I have one day off from the sawmill which will entail rolling pennies to afford the antibiotic for my raging MRSA infection and turning tricks to cover the overdraft. You so wish you were me.

I used to think that I knew the right thing to do but this situation has me baffled so I reckon I'll just leave them alone and show up at the ER when called as emergency contact. Don't ask me for a copy of the living will because it's twenty years old and in a box somewhere. That, is how we roll. I'm telling you right now that when I'm down and out and need some help I will choose wisely. Eldercare is serious business considering the passages that are in motion. There is a lot of profit to be made in that area and that's not always a good thing.

I am tired beyond words...as MAM would say, weary. Most people are and that's where finding your happy place comes in. If I had some money I'd be all getting my hair done and buying a new dryer so we don't have to haul wet clothes over to Shannah's. You can damn near buy one for the price of a service call, if you know what I mean. This is definitely not the American dream that I bought into.

Somebody in a plane is having a grand time with today's sunset over Pecan Lane and the asparagus might be poking up for their last hurrah before May. Hopefully Monsanto won't kill it.

^j^

parental medical transport

My friend Pax the recently retired social worker in Joisey' refers to his weekly runs with mom and dad for whatever appointment is on the table plus a stop at the liquor grocery store. They are an Italian clan in heritage and the food sounds pretty damn awesome. He makes a low carb pizza that I could surely get into if I ever settle down enough to cook. I mean geeeez! Puppies? Gone to happy places. Grands? Got new doctor. Brothers? Love them both dearly and equally. BG? Making her own way. The guy who saw my parents today is one with whom I have worked before. Actually he did a high level office visit type of thing with me as their person who has all answers condensed into 30 minutes. Daddy was a mess and Mom looked cute. She told the doctor ten times he had gotten taller. My friend works there and we chatted about her daughter's upcoming surgery. Girl needed a hug, and so did I. Adding to all that karma, the nurse knows all of us from church. If I ever doubted the power of love, these past few weeks have shown me that people really ARE good.

I got to spend chunks of time with my baby brother and soulmate over the weekend and amazingly he can still make me giggle with his voice impressions and unique insights on life. He can do Dave Letterman and that bible thumping guy who used to be on local radio. Horace maybe??? No wait, that was Horace Beasley who had the barn where the brain fry was held. Yep. I'm rambling and I deserve it by golly. By now he's off the radar and headed north. Speaking of which, corporate arrives tomorrow and I still have a pile of junk in the yard but too wet to burn. It will have to do. One of our new jobs is going down on Mon/Tues to move the garbage cans from the back of the house to the pickup point across the road. Which is exactly how the old man smacked his face on the gravel.

The to-die-for house is still to die for and not quite finished but gettin' there. I love watching the shadows play through that forest to the hardwood floors. All of the windows open and the paint is new. Snakes are a problem but then dogs have a way of keeping them at bay, them and the yard team. Our dryer is dead as a doornail and that's not a good thing the way we stockpile dirty stuff. I did manage to find a clean uniform today and there's probably one more. After that I'll have to fork out cash for a repair. I can't help it..I blame GE for a large part of my poverty.

That being said, where there's a will there's a way and I'm pretty much making a bead on this particular thread. It involves nothing more than faith that what is good and perfect and true is present in every situation and we must gravitate toward the light instead of cowering in fear. Voices will be heard. Change will happen.

It has always been thus and so.

church day

Daddy is still falling and stuff so it's back to the doctor and diagnostic center soon to find out if there's something going on besides too much bi-polar medicine. OCD is a hallmark of fronto-temporal dementia and it's a hard disease to keep a handle on in the elderly. If there's one thing I've learned from tending elders in hospital settings it's "no ativan". period. That's when they start climbing the curtains and trying to settle all of life's miseries with the hospital staff. Unfortunately it is freely used to sedate unruly patients because it's cheap and effective.

There are so many multi-system issues that affect the elderly because they are weak and their immune systems don't always rally. I have found that even at the age of (almost) 60 I can't fight things off like when I was younger. Some of that is GMO induced, I have no doubt. I blame a lot of that on the constant presence of chemicals in my airspace. A two dollar air filter can only do so much. And also consider this. The crops that are being sprayed and cultivated all around me are headed to market to make your food. Cancer? You bet your sweet ass. Plus a whole lot more.

I'm so excited that Bernie is rumored to be running for POTUS that I can hardly sleep. Now I know he doesn't have much of a chance against YOU KNOW WHO but he's a contender and the only one I've seen outside of EW. They need to keep the list short and interesting unlike the GOP cast of characters that are posing for church and the MSM. Church and state. Separate. Constitution. Any questions?

I miss the puppies but I'm telling you that is just one big happy hugfest in my book. As we all know, you can't make this shit up and that story is ethereal. Beginning with Faith and her journey from the crackhead's house over to Rhonda's with Big Mama there have been life stories woven in her bloodline. She was Gumbler and Lauren's baby and we reunited as a family when she died which was the night I almost went to jail over some smartass county cop playing Big Ike on the lane. Nobody would work for me so I could carry on with business except for one sweet soul who swapped days off. It was the same story when Ryder died but I understand because everybody is pretty much tapped out. She got buried and all of her 10 puppies will have nice homes, perhaps even in New England where they have money for treats.

My brothers, daughter and I have enjoyed spending time together as a family these past few days. It's not Norman Rockwell, though if Mama had her way it would certainly be. Instead it's listening to yadayada and putting out fires. And that? is what families who love each other do.

^j^

at your service

My cousin Mo is a traveling salesgirl of sorts as a designer for a company that furnishes high end hotels. It is the dream job of the artist in her which has always included presentation of meals and homes in a favorable way. She just so happens to be on location in Califreakin' fornia and this morning Granny got sent to the ER for back pain. I haven't seen her since Mom left the home and she actually looked better in ways. I stroked her head and soothed her while my friends took care of business. Her nurse was a new face to me but then I don't get out much. She was sweet as pie and very efficient. The monitor techs called and kept me posted and we stayed on the same page an entire country apart because that's what sistercousins do.

So wouldn't it suck to finally make it to the Statue of Liberty and have to evacuate that thing??? That would so be my luck. My theory on that is some pissed off Duck Dynasty people and not ISIS or the middle school kids. I'm such a deep thinker that it often occurs to me that irony and satire are something that can only be truly appreciated by intelligent people. If you just "don't get it" move along and try not to be offended. I was raised on the political satire that is SNL and that says volumes about where I stand which is laughing my ass off at their larger than life portrayals. I don't guess y'all knew that Lorne was once my celebrity boyfriend. That was prior to Cusack, of course.

I'm counting down to my vacation of 9 days with no plans except a Lake county sleepover. I owe her one after that heart attack week in sub freezing temps. Lord.Have.Mercy. We're tossing around a brand which could be quite hot. More on that later, though. My mother has commanded that we gather for a family meal at Casa Grands and it will be early and al fresco. Ms. Faye (blessherheart) is off on a religious ladies retreat with her church buds and they've been just kind of hanging in the breeze down there since last weekend's fall-a-thon.

My last babies will be leaving tomorrow and I have to admit that I'm trying not to cuddle so it won't hurt. I may end up caving at the last minute because it sure is sweet watching them grow. Sam is so annoyed with all of it that he's about to snap and go postal. Y'all know how I am about MrSnake and I saw my first baby one of the season the other day all slithering and being sneaky. I try to look at him now as an omen of change what with the skin shedding and all. That's what ethereal friend says anyway.

You can't make this shit up@

quest

I would like to take this opportunity to personally thank everybody who has contributed to feeding and otherwise coddling our team of lab professionals during our special week. For 38 years or more we've been serving citizens of the 'burg and everybody has seen some a boatload of big fish eating the little fish kind of thing. It has only been since the 1940s that blood was even given type specific following the discovery of the ABO and RH systems. This grew from the necessity to treat casualties of war in a more pro-active fashion. Truth be told, blood is as safe now as it has ever been as far as disease transmission and transfusion related issues. Same thing for other "tissue implants". It amazes me that I have lived to almost 60 and not seen a viable substitute for human blood cells when re-quipping the body. Being a conspiracy theorist I suspect the Koch brothers own the brand on that along with a cure for cancer. My friend has chosen radiation which is wise because they're her tribe. Then again, so many others are as well. I heard a rumor about Hawaii and I hope it's true! It's cloudy again and has been mostly for the month of April. Lots of rain which is good because July's a coming and that big blob in the Pacific is trying to decide what kind of havoc to wreak. I'd blame that one on Palin, straight up.

I've been used to being "invisible" on FB because I'm not real bright, and was amazed that some right wingers jumped on my question about the Duggar family so quickly. My point is this : If you use your family or your lifestyle to make a living for said family and money to pass around freely, you are selling your soul to the devil even if you do teach Bible verses to all 83 of them. It's the motive people, not the act itself. This applies to all people who live extravagant lifestyles as a result of our adoration of the entertainment industry. It's not rocket science...just, as Jon Lovitz put it "ACTING!" Freedom of the press is something that is about to be history unless money is taken out of media and the political arena. And here's the kicker y'all..Big E knows your heart.

So today's puppy momma was NOT a no-show and is en route as we speak.The nice rescue lady from Memphis is coming Saturday for the rest of the wolfpack. They are enjoying cool days together as siblings, rolling in the fresh monkey grass and feeling the connection. Looking back over the time since their birth, I see that I've let go of a lot more than just Ryder and Faith. Much to my dismay I opened yesterday's mail in the car and found that my shoulder surgeon's group has turned me over to collections out of who knows where. There was a pending WC claim which turned out to be denied but nobody informed me of that so uh. Here we go again! Oh..and get this. My employer's sawmill owned gyno clinic charged me ten bucks over the usual co-pay for a wellness visit. I wonder if I could scan my badge for that?

Will holla!

onward

Right now I wouldn't give you a dime for a pain pill but would gladly clean your entire house for some steroids because GEEEEZ this is some heavy pollenage. And yes, that's a word. Add to that the fact that our sawmill air is OUT for the 5th day in a row and it's just a plain old allergy fest. I had almost made it through the day when mama called and said the old man took another tumble and would I come and look. When I got there it was the usual bloody mess of bandaids hastily applied with no cleaning of body fluids and I said to hell with gloves and grabbed some gauze. I doubt he's got anything I've not already been exposed to except for a case of being ornery. We marched right up to the butter churn and picked two canes to try and he opted for the taller one. Meanwhile mama's over there worrying about being available for a doctor's appointment but not on hair day. I asked if they had moved his clothes and she said he's just leaving 'em down there as he sheds. Whatever works without the steps. I am the DPA for this little rodeo and it's not my first.

We had a puppy photo shoot this afternoon because it's bye bye time for the other six soon. Hopefully some nice Weakley county folks will come pick up Chester Jr. and the Memphis rescue lady will help with the others. My old friend Elaine came to scope them out yesterday and they were solid sacked out under the steps where you can't get to them. She left empty handed but I sent her a pic from when they scooted out from under there. The lady and her brother who had come earlier had the same problem, but I managed to snag one before they left. Everything's gonna' be alright.

Soooo..since I went grocery shopping we have fresh pork loin with caramelized onions plus asparagus and whatever else is laying around. To hell with the processed shit if there's a choice and there almost always is unless you don't know any better. I will never eat another ramen noodle as long as I live "she says in her best Scarlett voice." And tomorrow is another day.

robbing peter to feed puppies

After this weekend's on call with the grands drama we were too worn out to do much except go to bed and make a grocery list which I scooped up bright and early this morning. Included in that list is a 50 pound bag of dog food which lasted a week and a half after the babies were weaned. Of course they get help from our three but they eat twice a day and are growing like crazy. SammyD has decided that they're the devil and he barks and raises hell every time somebody comes to puppy shop. This is why we can't have nice things. There is one little girl left and six rowdy boys, one of which looks just like his daddy Chester. I've already named him Junior for the time being.

I found out yesterday that there was a third fall during the night on Saturday during which my invalid mother went up the steps to help Daddy get off the floor again. Now these are not your real STURDY steps by any means and there's an old cypress rail that runs all the way up and falls if you touch it. Last night he was busy hammering it back into place. *sigh* We are moving on to Plan B quickly which means no more stairs for either of them and a new bed for him plus pre-packaged meds. Hey...I have a day job, you know.

That day job has served me well for a lot of years and I've made decent money. Not great, mind you. Just decent..enough to pay the bills (sometimes) and afford dog food. The cost of living has jumped so much since 08 that fuel is a real killer for this old house. It is loose and on top of a hill facing northwest thus taking the brunt of weather patterns. Essentially I am heating and cooling three floors and I only live on one..and there's mold.

A guy offered to help me get the 50 lb bag in my trunk just about the time I flipped it in. He had an Australian shepherd barking to high heaven from the seat of his truck. Last week was volunteer week and the first time that the Gerladine H Reaves volunteer award wasn't presented. Nobody there much remembers her and finally my Aunt Kathy got one so the circle is complete. The volunteer awards have been received by every member of my parents' families and that says volumes about who we are.

I miss MFR and the peace that comes with zoning out for an hour while Gay does her thing. I think it's probably psoas time again.

Over and out from puppyland ^j^

never a dull moment

I was resting late yesterday afternoon when Mama called asking for help because Daddy had fallen. Again. BG and I couldn't get him up so we called EMS and they did a field assessment to determine if it was stroke. We all tried to get him to go to the ER and he refused. Which is is right, BTW. I learned that the hard way when old Mr. Paul Barch fell out in the pecan grove and drove AROUND the emergency vehicles to escape. The paramedics knew that look and just stood back and watched him take off. An old guy like that can get violent in a hurry. I think often about the beauty of how our little home health team works what with BG being in social work and me at the sawmill. When Lori showed up for church this morning, the house was dark and she had forgotten her key so I met her there and was pretty worried to see the light still burning on the flag and the newspaper still in the box. He met us at the door, still groggy from sleep and declining on church which is the first time EVER I think.

I hauled garbage and did other errands while BG was picking up Boogs for a day visit. Chester's grandma called to say that they want a puppy so there's that to look forward to. I love it when they get to go home with nice people. There are still 8 but a good faith promise of a full rescue by next weekend. Though I did consider hitting the dolla' store parking lot with them, I'm glad it's worked out this way. That their mother bore them in a barn and kept them safe there for three weeks is a miracle in itself. The circle of life. It's as if she knew her last day was coming because just one week prior to the accident she hauled 'em all up next to the porch. To say it's a nasty mess is putting it lightly.

It's monsoon season which adds to the humidity fest that is Tennessee. That's just one more reason to clean house and go to bed early which is what I need. Y'all all need a puppy and I know you're reading this now so Holllla!

the countdown

The puppy count now stands at 8 with an offer for a complete rescue next weekend of whomever is left. I had forgotten how much fun it is to watch someone get picked by their pet. John and Beth arrived yesterday and we hugged and chatted about church and stuff. He moved over to the side of the house to check out the view and Jet followed him. It was ON like donkey kong! Speaking of views, the to die for house now has new windows and trim and a bathroom and TILE! What I would give to live in that place. It sits right on top of a bluff and has quite a few reptiles so that would be the only drawback. There are guys in my yard planting oak trees in preparation for corporate's visit. We have hauled off the dump worthy stuff and the garbage will go next.

My biopsy was benign, thank goodness. I just knew I was being eaten alive by some terrible awful fungus but it's some run of the mill skin ailment that I've just developed. Slowly but surely my body is healing from the past few years of stress and worry. I try not to dwell on the trials and focus, instead, on the blessings that have come from that time in the desert. And I know in my heart that it will come again with different challenges.

My youngest brother is also scheduled to visit next week so it will be a busy one on the farm. It is also National Medical Laboratory week which honors all of us who work in the lab and give your doctor test results so you can be treated properly. We are "almost" nurses, you know.

Peace out and keep the faith ^j^

seasonal

It is a curse that the very beauty of spring flowers is what makes me sick as a dog every year. And fall too, BTW. Shots fell out of the budget years ago when co-pays went to forty bucks a pop. I must say that it worked very well while I was in treatment. I had this really AWFUL surgery on my sinus cavity as an adult where he put windows in and I do mean carved them. That was following multiple pain filled office visits for infections. Now babies get 'em popped in like an earplug. And tubes! I will never forget my pediatrician asking us to just take the smoke outside and not harm the little kid. We didn't listen.

WE had the perpetual conversation about morals and shame at the sawmill today and I'm just outnumbered by people who want to set limits and have rules because if anything, I'm a gray person. You do your thing and I'll do mine and as long as we don't hurt each other on purpose, it's good in Big Ernie's eyes. So much hatred and judgement is sprayed out on those who aren't cookie cutter white bread gawd bless 'mercka. News flash kids...it has always been thus and so. It's just that now the rules and regs that are almost completely church based are no longer valid. Because the church is not a building but the world. To expect the least of these to find their way when there are expensive cars and fancy clothes and Pharisee based type carrying on is to deny a loving God. Anyways, you all know where I stand on separation of church and state and I'm terribly excited to see Ms. Hillary take on Marco the minority. It should be interesting and Bernie is still a clear and present danger to our non socialist society. The NRA guy is counting how many guns Obama is blamed for or something equally as ridiculous while this whole culture of gun rights people become a menace to peaceful society.

There is a beautiful stand of wisteria right across from the sawmill next to an abandoned building and my fool self pulled off the road to break a branch for the dining room table. It looks swell with dogwood and even falls on the table for added value. I'm expecting a puppy person soon so I'll keep you posted on how that works. Hopefully he'll take the special which is two.

Faith kids~

the feed

I was all torn up because nobody is reading the blog until I noticed that the privacy settings on my FB page were wonky so then I felt a little better about the whole deal. My bad, as they say. I don't know enough to be tinkering with any of it but somehow I managed to make the audience consist of a group of about ummm..maybe 20 people that I was a group of? Lawd. Not that it matters mind you, what with all the huge crises going on right now like the second coming in response to Obama's Iran deal. Yes Michelle B...that means you. Go.Away.Now.

So, now that I'm in the FB world again I'm on a mission to find puppy homes and sell some of the shitstuff that I don't use, mostly collectibles. Etsy should help with that. I actually got a call from a lady who is on vacation in Florida about a puppy and I picked the white faced favorite for her husband's shop dog. And they live in Weakley County!! It's a small world. Ryan came out to do the yard late yesterday because as we all know "corporate" is coming and that's an expense I wasn't expecting but hey. It had to be done! I'm feeling better today but still kind of wonky probably because I've been out of thyroid pills for a week. They're only four bucks on the cheap list but it's getting a practitioner to actually follow up without a 40 dolla' co-pay that is the problem.

The asparagus is kind of not real great yet because it's not been very warm plus I have failed to fertilize and otherwise baby the bed and it needs to be divided. That will happen, in all my spare time. My youngest brother is coming for a visit next week and I'm excited just to see his face and hug his neck. He lives in the Blue Ridge mountains which seems like the other side of the world most days. Bubba is a constant in my life and for that I am grateful.

I'm a thinker, often too much of the time. One of the cool things about having an analytical mind with a spiritual side is that you can see when Big Ernie is trying to get your attention through some previously unseen thread. I won't go on about that but will say this...I believe in miracles and I'm ready for one.

Y'all all need a puppy, I'm just saying. Leave a message at the beep.

on being the bug

You know, like sometimes you're the windshield? Today I am definitely feeling like the bug that smacked the glass. There's a lot on my mind and plate and I'm not able to call the strength to me right now to participate fully in life. While I have faith that it's all for a purpose and everything's "gonna' be alright" there is no inspiration to be great at the moment. Just fatigue and stress and a deep desire to disconnect for a bit. Plus a stomach bug..ack.

Still no word on the skin biopsy but I've about decided it could be Blastomycosis from my extensive Google knowledge of fungal infections. That could also be a chronic energy sucker. Since I sleep with dogs and they are often carriers, it makes sense. I'm off today and not going anywhere but to and from my room which is slowly getting cleaned. We popped in to see Mom recently and she was digging through the stuff on the top of her dresser and found Daddy's class ring from UTM. There is some guy out here in a semi doing dirt work with the ever present backhoe, I presume. Life on the lane, as I know it.

We have still only found one puppy home and they're getting fat as ticks except for the runt. We found him out by the barn crying as if he just realized his Mama isn't coming back. After returning to his litter mates, he continued to wail until they got him calmed down and napping under the steps. I can certainly relate to how he feels, can't you?

My friend got more bad news yesterday and all I can think is heaven help us. The random way that life just slams people is beyond my comprehension. Having empathy means putting yourself in someone else's place and trying to feel where they are and sometimes it's a curse. I reckon that's why we have to stop and smell the roses because you just never know.

Keep the faith ^j^

church and state

I found myself talking politics with a Republican again today and amazingly we found common ground with the LGBT issue and said everybody should be worrying about important stuff like Ebola or something. He's an Iraq veteran with a unique look at the healthcare system from both the private and public sectors. I'll never forget cute little JR looking at me so sad because I couldn't support what's his name that looks like Eddie Munster. Oh you know, Paul Ryan. A brilliant economist according to him. That entire election gave birth to a wave of extreme right wingnuts with church ties jumping into the law of the land with their religious beliefs and 2nd amendment anger. Not all children are meant to be born, as proven by the number of miscarriages that happen. To deprive an entire population of women access to reasonable birth control so that they don't bring unwanted children up in poverty is wrong. The US Constitution clearly calls for a not at all mingled scenario when it comes to the influence of religion on the political process. Do you think that's happening now? Ahem. I don't care what party you belong to on what rung of the big power trip...get off your pampered asses and serve the people who elected you or MOVE ON. We're liable to go all zombified on you and show up with pitchforks and torches especially with this big pissing contest in Iran. C.H.I.L.L

As if we don't have enough dogs, BG brought Giz home last night to snuggle with. She was off but I hit it at dark thirty and will thankfully hopefully get to sleep tomorrow morning. Benadryl and a BP pill should do the trick. My bed has been on the floor for years now because it was falling apart so I just said eff it and slapped them down. The dogs love it because they don't have to jump high and I get to drop down into my little corner of heaven where the moon and stars are visible and the thunder and lightning as well. To say that I can sleep through anything would be a lie. Unless I'm really tired or medicated my mind is always racing toward how to fix the next crisis that hasn't even happened yet. Thus, Benadryl.

Still no word on the skin biopsy and it's itching like a mofo but I'm thankful for topical steroids. The stitches will have to come out this week as well. Considering the health issues of others, I feel blessed to feel the itch. It's nothing that epsom salts and coconut oil won't fix, you know?

Power to the people ^j^

glass houses

I don't know about y'all but I've just about had it with all these people who feel free to punch a person in the face with personal insults. There are constructive ways to get your point across and usually they involve walking the walk instead of talking to the hand. People notice much more what you DO than what you say. Leadership is a cultivated skill and one for which many don't have adequate mentoring. Sucks to be you if you're on the bottom rung of the ladder with one of these. Before everybody jumps to conclusions, let me state that I've felt this in ALL areas of my life and it's a pretty soul sucking experience. That I don't have a strong obedience to authority has saved me some grief in that area.

As predicted Hillary announced and Rand Paul firmly jumped out there with nasty comments about how "they" meaning the Clintons, think they are above the law. I hope dude doesn't have any skeletons in his closet because they'll come tumbling out in the next year....hide and watch. Whitewater, Monica and Benghazi not necessarily in that order, are the biggest talking points I see because other than that, she's been nothing but a steady leader for liberals who weren't ready for her yet. There was a bit of fine tuning to be done, if you will. Now that Warren is definitely where she's gonna' stay and Bernie could die any minute, it is what it is. And this, as my friend Lorna predicted, is when they start devouring each other, those ultra conservative tea party second amendment nut jobs. Oh, and PTL!

My friend gave me a tablet and I've kind of been too busy and too ignorant to do much with it until today. Another buddy showed me how to wipe out the old and establish me as the operator. Of course there's no wifi on the lane but that will come, if no other way than a mobile hotspot on the badass red phone with a cracked screen. I do so love me some creative connectivity.

It's already 80 which is normal for us this time of year during the peak of tornado season. We moved into this old house during April of 1988 when BG was a four year old and there was still a pink dogwood out front. I remember sitting in the dark living room watching the first thunderstorm blow through in awe at the unobstructed view of nature. I have been blessed with 26 years in this location, not counting the other 20 that I spent before I went out into the world. Those are some pretty solid roots by today's standards.

auto correct

I turned mine off because it spells all the wrong words from how I talk which is nowhere near grammatically correct. We in the south tend to do run on sentences with a lot of expletives and quotation marks for emphasis. At least us redneck girls do. It's a glorious day on the lane with perfect weather except for the pollen. One of the puppies went to a new home today and we're praying and pimping hoping that they all find somewhere special to be snuggled. I would just die to think of him or her getting used as Vick bait or made to sleep in the cold.

I learned today that an old and dear friend and co-worker has received a quite horrible diagnosis and it is ironic in that she works with those patients. She has been the heart and soul of our local cancer clinic for many years. Oncology is a double edged sword offering hope to many and nothing but heartache for others. The difference, a lot of times, is in who you meet along the way. My friend has not changed one bit over the years still sporting that white blond look from Chucky. We are all in this together, and it's for the long haul.

Another patient who has become close to our hearts returned home with hospice care following many years of an unidentified ailment that lets her literally bleed to death. She has never given up and still now I'm sure holds hope for a peaceful passage to a world with no needles or pain. Here's the thing as Rodney P would say...Allowing yourself to truly love someone or something causes a whole lot of pain when there's loss yet we do it over and over again and you know why? Because life is too short to waste not feeling appreciated and valued as a person.

Sleep has come easy and hard since that tear filled all night vigil with Ryder by my side. When she went in and settled down on the futon my first thought was "Please no, don't die there right where your mama did." I know it took everything she had to crawl into my room and plop down next to the bed. What a beautiful soul she is.

I am applying topical chemo to my forearms and waiting on a biopsy report on my chest. Considering the negative pap smear (finally) I'm feeling blessed plus Skin Doctor said it didn't look serious. Gotta make sure, you know. I mean, some pathologist's kid needs the money and all. I have been in the business long enough to know that diagnostics are a business that can be either very helpful or very lucrative, but not often both. Screening should be free or at minimal cost, including mammo,blood sugar and pap. If you can catch a disease EARLY there's no need for expensive tests and treatments on down the road. The big bucks for all of this are probably tucked into the pockets of the Koch Brothers or their evil twins Bill Frist and Rick scott.

I suppose you would call my writing style stream of consciousness in the loosest sense and downright hard to follow on days when I think faster than I type. But, it's my story and I'm sticking to it.

^j^

puppy breath

Wheels are in motion already to get the babies adopted out. They're cute and the story of their orphanhood makes it even more appealing to take them in. Chester's daddy has stayed closely in touch and is networking all over West TN to get them claimed. So far they're fat and sassy. I brought the little white face one in for some one on one time last night and he reminded me he's just a baby by peeing on me. I was assured by the vet's office that large breed dogs like them can be safely weaned at 4-5 weeks. WE had a huge thunderstorm last night but the dogwood branches are still standing on Ryder's grave in the pines. My pack will make sure no predators get anywhere near their little nest under the porch. The flower bed is their feeding and exercise area.

I was so exhausted I passed out at 5PM yesterday and didn't move until the sun came up today. I'm off and had errands to run so headed out to get them out of the way so I can piddle. TV went away a couple of days ago and we bit the bullet and paid their minimum because it's honestly all the entertainment we have! I did an extension with the electric department today so that's put off until next paycheck. Slowly but surely we're pulling out of it, but fT hours are still not in the gentral' plan for BG. UNLESS she agrees to do 60 hours a week and manage for MW. Not.Worth.It.

The yard just now needs a good mowing to get the weeds under control and my guy has been in touch for the season. I can't believe I managed to keep this whole place mowed by myself for twenty four years. No wonder my body's worn out. One or two years it was all by push, but of course I was fortyish at the time. Twenty years makes a lot of difference in stamina even for a determined bitch like me.

Mama was so funny when I told her about the accident and she said "Oh no! Is that the one you sleep with???" I said "Mom, I sleep with ALL of them." This is a woman who has never had an inside pet ever. Sam was supposed to be theirs and they gave him back after two nights because it was like having a "stranger" in the house.

Other than that? I got nothing. Y'all keep the faith.

apple blossoms

April means fruit trees blooming and both of my granny smith's are dotted with white. They were planted as free twigs from the Arbor Day foundation. Everything out there has a history because either the Councils or I myself planted most of it. I once spent the grocery money on bulbs from Breck's but by golly they greet me year after year. There are also a whole lot of pets buried hither and yon and today Ryder is getting laid to rest by her own momma Faith out in the pine grove prior to a thunderstorm. The entire pack chases cars along the roadside and when she came running off the daffodil hill she didn't make it across without a pretty solid hit by my brother's truck. He stopped and we checked her out but she scurried on in the house. There was a little poop but nothing remarkable. She climbed up on the futon and bonded with Sophie for a bit but seemed to be in a lot of pain. At one point I called a vet's office for help with euthanasia but since I'm not a regular customer there was no call back from them. She wouldn't take water and threw up. Then she rallied and changed positions and we thought all was well. BG and I both hit the hay.

I heard her creep into my room at one point and normally she jumps up and snuggles my back but she just sprawled out on the floor next to my bed and I rubbed her belly feeling the breaths and her heartbeat which was really fast. Dying is hard work even for non-humans. I felt her ears twitch a couple of times as if to wince, then her breathing slowed and the heartbeat finally stopped. I hated to do it but woke up BG and we had a big old snotfest right then and there. We covered her carefully and both left for work, even early. Long night kids...long night.

I started last night trying to make arrangements to be off today so I could either take her to the vet or do whatever needed to be done but nobody was "available" so I went on in and told everybody about the night. Most all understand because we are nothing if not pet lovers. Everybody knows the names of everybody else's and how cute they are. Chester's owner works there too and I thought he was gonna' cry right along with me! We're pimping out pups as I type and cry.

People who don't have a bond with animals can never understand the trust and loyalty that can be had just for being kind. Animals are a huge way to reach people in therapy who need unconditional love. Both of my brothers love furbabies and Bubba made things easier on me by starting the whole thing before I got home. Said he said he thought it might be "easier on me." Damn, I love that guy. But then EVERYBODY loves Bubba...even the Pope.

^j^

do good things

My brand of spirituality is not real restrictive and includes an array of simple living type principles like love one another and talk it out if you can't. Just please don't fight or put your own drama on someone else. Social media has become a hotbed for people with all kinds of domination issues and a boatload of anger to go along with, especially in the political and religious arenas. This? Wears me the hell out. I mean if you want to be all mad and stuff do it on your own time and don't pitch it on me just because I'm handy. BG and I would never have made it this far had we not come to understand that separate is good and time out is even better. We were missing three puppies at the 1PM head count but I imagine they're under a bush somewhere napping.

My friend and almost-a-doctor did a biopsy on some strange looking stuff on my chest which reappeared after six months. I am paying now for all those years of sunburn and tanning. My logic on the beds was it "kept me from burning" which is true I guess. My very first to die for burn was in Destin on a church trip where I spent the entire week on an air mattress under a tree. Not.Fun. Hat tip to Bill Acred and B Revell and all the other chaperones. We were about 13 maybe? By the time I got back there it was 40 years later and solid condos.

So today's top story is that a cop shot an unarmed traffic violator who owed child support. Notice I did not mention the race of either because it is NOT RELEVANT. This kind of vicious profiling is tearing our country apart at the seams and the MSM is guilty as charged. Those who don't take the time to reason out the details from several different sources and get spoon fed are likely to believe Rush or Jesse every time. Get over it, sheeple. I heard RP got into it with Samantha which I'm sure was just great for ratings and whatnot. According to what I read he pretty much tried to rephrase her questions to suit his answers. Ironically, I had a deja vu sort of political discussion with our pathologist du jour who vowed that he would make me a Republican. My reply to him was that others have tried dude. We shall see. There was discussion about all the many fractured idiots that are pulling the GOP apart and the way church and state are constitutionally protected from mingling which is a huge travesty. RoevWade is old as the hills and SCOTUS has bigger fish to fry.

still no neighbors yet but it looks like May will be the month. It'll be nice to have somebody to keep an eye on things like puppies and all my valuables *snicker* while we're at work. Lord knows some crackhead might steal my ten year old Dell.

Peace and love~

the readership

Now that FB has cut me off ceased to share my blog posts the number of views is down by about half. I guess that's when you find out who really wants to read it because they actually have to make the effort to go LOOK for it. The numbers still come, just more slowly and that's not a bad thing. I'm trying out a new one called ello that looks pretty fun and was sent to me by invite from that bitch Shannon in Oklahoma territory. She and BG introduced me to the joys of Grumpy Cat. I moved the puppies up out of the rain yesterday and they've slept the day away right there next to the porch. They're close enough to the hole that they can tumble in if it gets real bad. I can tell already they will be ahem "hearty" eaters. Each one of those little faces will find someone to love it if I die trying because it was my fault for not getting Ryder fixed up. Just bless her heart with those Dane ears and all.

I did a different job today which as scientists and Hoss would say was "not bad" and I'm grateful for that on a Monday. I got to see folks that I would have missed back in my corner and there is a chair involved a lot of the time. I woke up this morning in the lightning and thunder feeling like there was a lead bucket on my head but worked through it and soldiered on. I'm not sure what's up but I'm kind of weak and want to sleep all the time. Probably just an old people thing, ya' think?

walking the walk

I have to admit I'm a sucker for the Emmaus road and that whole thing. To me? That's when the real believing started..the first appearance of a friend they thought was dead. There was some genius team building and lots of fighting over the years about this or that religion or so the Bible says. And..it is still thus and so. I am not afraid of terrorists because if I am that means they win. And I'm a stubborn bitch. It's a blended Stafford/Reaves thing I believe. I ran across a picture of KY cousin at the birth of her very first grandboy Cooper. I miss her sometimes like the other cousins who have left my life but not without deep impressions of shared familial angst. Damn, we're a crazy bunch!

Lori had the day with her kids and I took Mom and Daddy to church in time for him to sing in the choir and speculate about the numbers. Plan A was Grecian which wasn't near open so we headed for the old usual. That's where you find Dani and Red and Mel and all the rest of Rita's bunch ready to make your day with a doughnut. Daddy had his flowers in a metal bucket ready to be arranged by the church ladies against a backdrop of magnolia leaves. I was out cleaning the yard and such and made several trips to town and each time I passed it looked different. There was poor Nicki up the hill on Troy in all her Easter finery pole dancing and singing at the top of her lungs. I guess the poor little dog died.

I sat in a booth with my parents for what could be our last Easter meal togetherand I watched Mama's eyes searching to see the picture of the cross on my phone. She does good just to spot the phone, you know? As I was leaving post allergy shot and flag light yadayada I thanked her for always making holidays special for our family. Girl could entertain like nobody's business! My cousin Mo is also quite the entertainer and I love parties at her house.

So yeah, I'm a little teary. Life is hard and then you die. I'm kind of like Scott Peck on that one: "Once you embrace that truth it ceases to hold you back from joy." Or something like that. The Road Less Traveled was like a handbook to me for many years of recovery. I don't want to hear any more bitching and whining and moaning and groaning about what's wrong. Just give me a reasonable plan to try and salvage my retirement and I'm in. Can you say "low maint? I'm tired and not just the kind that goes away after sleeping away weekends. It's a soul sickness of sorts and one that seems to be leading to some sort of big change. My parents are dependent on me and BG and Bubba and Fay and Lori and all the neighbors to keep an eye on them. Thank goodness we all walk the same road.

easter people

We all know the ones who only show up at Christmas and Easter for church with the fam. I'm not one of those because when I went I was there ALL the time as part of the choir. Mama tells a story about one holy Sunday in the historic old building when my great granny Ethel Inez took her parakeets in for a sunrise service. Yep...I go way back with the UMC....even got a historical reminder of my heritage. I can name most every pastor from 1960 on including the current one. He visited Mom at the hospital this last time and also are the nursing home. That church is big on caring for the flock of faithful elders that brought it to what it is today. I'll never forget my Daddy fighting the powers that be for us to have a dance *gasp* in the fellowship hall.

I slept in today and woke up hearing puppies which was not possible because they're in the barn. Uh, well most of them were. Ryder had brought three in during the night and made a nice little warm bed on my dirty comforter. They crawled around a bit and I took them back out with the other SEVEN for which I have to find homes too. If I weren't a faithful sort I'd be freaking out about now. Asparagus is up now and about to be full force. We ate the first "mess" a couple of days ago and it is an awesome feeling to know the food I'm eating was planted 15 years ago. BG just pulled out for a shift at the gentral so it's just me and the dogs looking at a mess that won't go away by itself so there's my day. Hope yours is full of peace and love ^j^

a good friday

My mental picture of the crucifixion is one set on a hill in mid-afternoon darkness much like today. Thunder rumbling and whatnot. At that point it didn't matter who were the thieves and who weren't, it was a mob on a mission. Which brings me to the jihad. Stop that shit right damn now! As Christians and Jews and all other flavors of believers we have never tried to convert you (well except for church mission trips) and we're sorry about the injustice to your worship in our country from those who are on just as much of a hate filled mission as ISIS and AlShaWhatever. None of you will win because you take the name of our great God and use exclusion and hatred as tools to further your mission. Rant over.

I tried to take a picture of the cross draped in black but traffic was heavy and there was a plastic sign in the way. I had my sharp shooter in the car to scoop up some grape hyacinths from in front of the Courtland square demo site. I figured if they tried to bust me I'd call in some favors. It's about twenty degrees cooler already since the last rain came through. And the flowers are sitting in it perched on a cardboard box from the sawmill on the back steps. There is no food in the house except for boiled eggs and hot dog buns sans meat. And you know what? I don't really care.

So our POTUS managed to pull off a big win with Iran and the haters are already marching like Republican soldiers through the halls of Congress (Corker) trying to tell him what to do. News flash folks: It's over. That era where hate and exclusion reigned and black men hung from trees put there by white rednecks. I am young enough to remember this and understand how it's taken years of giving free shit and whatnot to make up for all that injustice. IN the process we produced a generation of dependents on government service for many reasons which I won't ponder on now and they are by no means all black. That is a grand GOP bullet point if you know what I mean. There are just as many white people who can't afford to live in today's economy. HT to Robert Reich and all y'all. You nailed it.

Hillary is looking good into the gate. I'm hoping for Bernie as a running mate because he's everybody crotchety old grandpa but gives 'em hell. EW is where she is and doesn't seem interested which is fine with me. Give 'em hell too, girl. I had to snicker when I noticed an e-letter from Lamar the other day from where I bitched about something or another. The GOP has nobody credible which makes things interesting. If y'all can't do better than Rand Paul, you might just want to invest in solar panels.

Hemp is the new tobacco, so deal with it. It is a very useful product in manufacturing as both a medicinal herb and rope, not necessarily in that order. I still grieve the season finale of Weeds. Anyways, I reckon we'll be dressing up the puppies and carrying them up to the chicken store real soon. They'll probably get lost in the wheat but if I know Ryder she'll do a head count. Let's just say we're all sleeping better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*takethat

maundy

I've been watching the cross at FUMC all week draped in purple and dreading the black that will follow tomorrow. It's a tradition that never fails to remind me what a perfect person Jesus was because he went through all that so we could be forgiven even after being turned on time and time again. Most of us who are thoughtful Christians can identify with the doubters and whatnot but betrayal is hard to get past. Yet we do it every day in the way that we treat the others in our world be it family or friends or sawmill workers. We pass judgement and do mean things and more or less just ignore the gospel because we're on an ego trip. Note to self: In the end, it won't matter worth a flip. Not the cars or the houses or the nice clothes or any of that. What will matter is how you made people feel, especially the least of these.

Whatever this stuff is on my skin is getting worse and I can't get to the doc 'til Monday because of the "holiday weekend." More than likely I'll end up at an urgent care on Good Friday like the rest of the world unless I can talk some of my work peeps into helping a girl out which is NOT likely. I took Mom home from hair today and grabbed a Carney's pimento cheese sammich on the way out along with some little Reeces cups. She handed me chips in a ziploc bag like the whole thing was a picnic. I got there just in time as Glenda was spraying that do into place and all the other ladies looked on. She's getting around pretty good and told me that she and Daddy are just "gettin' old". Indeed honey, aren't we all.

We have about three weeks to move some puppies on out to the universe and there are ten of them so we shall see. I brought one in for some snuggle time yesterday and he was pretty happy to be held and not in that bunch of siblings screaming for attention. I named him Chester because he looks like his daddy. It's TBT also so I need to get on a search for a childhood Easter picture.

Faith~

the april fool

Um, that would be me. When I got home yesterday I parked up front by the fire pile thinking I might burn some shit and left the keys in it which I rarely do. The windows were up so it didn't get drenched by the thunderstorm that rained out ballgames and smacked the porch swing into my bedroom wall for a bit. After that the dogs came in and out a hundred times and finally I got some sleep. I could HEAR the puppies squealing when I got out of the car this afternoon, all the way from the barn. This is gonna' be a real challenge. Soon as Sugardaddy shows up both females are getting fixed. In some ways it warms my heart to think of Faith's spirit being passed on but I recognize that it's hard on Ryder and would be on Sophie too. I call Sophie wiggledy butt because she gets so excited that's exactly what she does. Lily killed a mouse this morning and proceeded to devour it at my feet while I was on the throne. Ack.

I got up a few minutes late today but managed to get ready and headed out to ye olde Camry up front and opened the door expecting ding.ding.ding. Nope. I had left it on half the day and all night and it was dead as a doornail. No neighbors. BG at work with car and cables. No boyfriend or Daddy or any woman who knows how to do that sort of thing. I called the service station downtown and got an "after hours" boost off the guy's truck. It took him about an hour to get here so I picked flowers for work and played Trivia. It was a lot more fun that being pissed off plus I got to see the sunrise. I'm usually inside the cubicle or asleep at that time.

Listen people, please and thank you. We have two years to figure out this big fat mess of Congress before the campaigns start in earnest and the shit flies even further than it does now, if that's possible. Know your candidate and what they stand for. Just because you are a party member doesn't mean there aren't others out there who might not be the enemy. Elizabeth Warren is a shining example of someone with the political voice to take on big money and she does so with passion. Following the bailout we are right back where we were before and it's been seven years. That goes in cycles, I've heard. Tennessee politicians again trashed InsureTennessee which was governor Haslam's answer to Medicaid expansion. Even with a Republican as their boss, they voted it down which pretty much leaves a whole boatload of people still without healthcare. This, my friends, is not acceptable behavior for those who claim to follow Christ.

I've been single for so long I can't remember what it's like to spend time with a man except for the ones I work with or family members and friend. I've reached a place in my life where I treasure my alone time and will share it with someone who makes the effort to get to know the real me. Otherwise, I'll just hang with the dogs and listen to Sam Smith.

Tomorrow is hair day so I know y'all can't wait to hear about it. More later ^j^