Tuesday, December 11, 2012

a funny thing happened

I had resigned myself yesterday to being out of the loop for awhile due to non-payment for DSL service to the lane. Yes, I know that's all very old school but what do you do when you're broke and lonely? I will never forget pleading with an internet provider during a flood to please give me service because I was stranded up on this hill. Um, and yes. I did have a cellphone but it wasn't smart. That was when our neighbor James Frank took Daddy in his boat up to the highway so he could go see the doctor. Only a neighbor would do that sort of thing. I thought about my neighbor who died over the weekend and how she was desperately looking for a high place to put her horses. The water stopped just short of drowning them and kept me landlocked for three days with about two cases of beer and lots of snacks. Then I had to move to Regina's couch because of access to work. One week later when the water went down, everything was covered in mud as I traveled back home. That is when I learned what a headwater can do.

The levees that protected the farmland here blew, one big one and they had to be repaired to prevent future flooding. It took a year or more, all the while my driveway was being dug out by the very same contract person on a mission. Unfortunately his drive didn't match the job as quoted. Thank you dear brother of mine for finally flattening that big ass pile of gravel so I can see the wheat field. See how low maint I am ya'll? Melody Beattie is a personal hero to me, one who was once herself an addict and discovered that when you're clean from drugs there's something else that rears its' ugly head and her name is co=dependency with a capital C. The words jumped back out at me today as I read. Martyr. Needs to be needed. Low self esteem. Often becomes an addict because of the emotional pain. Fear of loss of control. I have been all of those at some point in my life.

Beattie took a tool from the founders of AA and ministered to an entire generation of people who were looking to get out of the hole. What hole?? Oh..um. It's the one we just keep falling into even though we know it's there under our feet. Pride (not the horse) before a fall. That's a thought that I carry with me at all times and act accordingly. Because you know what? If I don't, it's back in the hole.
Anyway, I started to say that I heard from my "elder" cousin today and she offered to help with the cost of staying somewhat online. Of all of the grandkids, she and I are the most alike....hippieish and rebellious yet tender hearted, sometimes to a fault like me. We both like to rock, by the way.

For the first time in forever, I can honestly say that I'm at peace with what is. I am not the master of the universe, nor do I want to be. I just want to live my life quietly and gently. After all, it's a gift ^j^

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