i love you more

Yes kids....the struggle is real for me right now.  On Mother's day when I had planned to visit BG I find myself tied to the toilet with an angry colon.  We both cried like babies, just saying.  I am taken aback at the emotional things that are flowing right now and have to keep reminding myself that it's grief, pure and simple. I wandered around the empty log house this morning picking up little things that I remembered.  The Christmas ornament in an eggshell...a ceramic pitcher.  Cousin Sandy had her eye on a cute little drop leaf table and will get it after all.  There's still a lot of stuff there and and most of it is good.  It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings and the house moves uphill.  And yes, there will be video.

Annie called after I went to bed yesterday and we caught back up this morning with me bawling like a baby over just about every little thing and her giving me a pep talk that lifted my chin up a bit.  Being a hot mess is not the norm for me but it's kind of been a challenge to let go without valium or something.  The strongest I get is Benadryl  and melatonin at bedtime plus an SRUI daily.  Annie told me in a way I never thought about that my parents were preparing me for their departure and each other too, for that matter.  Her voice is happy to the max and she urged me to hold both my daughter and brothers' hands as we move foward.

One of the things that intrigues me about meetings is the tales folks have about what they did and how much they can't remember of it.   I can honestly say that I've never been that impaired.  I think it's because of a fear of losing control  and being at the mercy of somebody else.  Who do you trust ?  Your friends, if they're straight and honest.  Being sober is a decision that is often court ordered and there's a lot of money generated in the PO/ drug testing business not to mention prisons.  I heard a tale the other day involving law enforcement and *sadly* believed it.

Since I don't get to hug Lauren today let me tell you all how truly wonderful she is.  This gal is absolutely the whisperer to all things gentle like old people and dogs.  She grew up  with a Norman Rockwell type deal involving a big ass farm and grandparents down the road.  She was a real hellion in high school and had lots of company.  Those folks are still around here and there.  One of them ended up on the porch yesterday!  As a little girl she had sass and attitude and enjoyed being the "only."  She never did get into the Easter dress kind of frills but later learned to love fashion. There was this one picture of her in a hideous valentine print jumpsuit that Mom had made just for her!  Must.Find.

We are so co-dependent it ain't funny which is why this is a challenging time for us.  I'm no longer in the role of fixer except for taking care of me which is a big enough job.  After years of struggling to be all things to all people and save the world, I give.  Yep.  It's not my job, but Big Ernie's.  I was sobbing to LP about everything this morning and realized how often I used her as a sounding board for my own pain.  That is not something a mama should do, but then at least I didn't beat her!  For that, I apologize.  It's helpful to step back and think about regrets so that you can apologize specifically for something.  That takes the power out of it.

I don't want to be strong because it requires effort, but I keep trying.  When the Universe kicks me in the teeth or a snakeskin shows up, I know it's time to regroup.  In my daughter's eyes I now see hope and faith and grace.  We are a part of a wonderful recovery community.  God is good....all the time ^j^