i been cheated

I was in BG's room going through the clothes last night and found a spiral notebook under a pile on the bed.  I flipped through it and noticed that it wasn't her writing but was familiar.  Today I read what was in it and was touched by the words of a man who has been dead for almost a year now.  During his 10 year recovery he took full ownership of social issues, resentments and pretty much what he did wrong.  There was a lot of behavior in there I knew about but I was surprised to find that he had been unfaithful while we were married.  I guess I thought I was so damn in control of the world that it wouldn't happen in my 50% of the woods.. We were divorced for 15 years when he died suddenly last year. He and BG had a routine of visits where there was always food and shopping involved.  He cooked for her and their favorites were country fried steak and gravy Pnoler style and lasagna.  We were on good terms after a few years and talked often because we spent a lot of time together making a living and raising a child....plus we had a lot of good friends!  When I left him for the last time I was honest and told him I had feelings for someone else.  That was when the spiral started.

There were a lot of pages about his family which, as I have mentioned before, was a train wreck.  The state took him from his birth mother because of neglect and he ended up with his grandmother and step-grandfather who drew a check on him because of his allergies and skin.  He never knew who his birth father was but I was told it was a stepbrother in the household with his Mom.  There was resentment there for him not coming forward. On and on it went for page after page of things being examined closely for motive and opportunities lost.  I was the least of his resentments besides Lauren.  I believe that he knew  I loved him with all my heart and that he didn't have a clue what to do with it.

More and more often I see that we are where we are because of decisions made of free will.  Dissecting the reasons for those choices is a healthy act in retrospect but also a good tool to use when considering the proverbial next move.  To act with thought and wisdom vs. blindly pushing forward is a much smarter way to be and quite hard for an ADD control freak.  If I wasn't afraid of getting addicted I'd get me some Adderol.  Today's good news on CNN was about how numerous fatal overdoses have been chalked up to so called "hydros" or percocets actually being made of homecooked Fentanyl.  Which brings us all back around to where the whole thing started.  It's time for an honest discussion about the dangers of opiates because they are socially acceptable and widely prescribed.  Medical cannabis is a much more effective long term pain reliever with relatively few side effects compared to pharmaceuticals.  Like, duh.

There is a place for opiate based medicine and that is for short term control of severe pain as in after surgery or trauma.  For physician mills to be making millions off of government healthcare dollars by handing out scripts is absurd and would be is a full time job for the DEA.  Nurse practitioners do it to...hell anybody with a license and no scruples.  One little value added piece to the provider thing is that they often drug test their patients to CONFIRM that they are taking the prescribed meds on schedule rather than selling them on the street. That's their "insurance" against malpractice.  What a crock.

My dear friend CB returned to the sawmill today and gave me a big hug which I've missed.  She'll come out of nowhere with a look or a "what's up" and snatch me back to the fact that I'm truly loved.  I haven't talked to my only aunt in eons so I called her yesterday and we talked about every little thing because I needed to   hear some memories.

Gotta run because Gigi is on the way and we need to get a little crazy like we used to at the pool.  Or not because this is domino night and she does love a good game.  Nothing like the sound of ivory slapping a bar with a side bet in progress.  Add the jukebox and a few beers and you have yourself a great time going.  She tans and butters so the dogs went nuts licking her legs under the kitchen table.  Sammy D is the world's worst because he licks EVERYTHING including the windows and covers.  I reckon he has issues.  She's leaving for the beach on Saturday a week ahead of me.  I'm assuming she'll kiss the beach for me and get it ready.

Tide ~