more of the same

Vacation was lovely while it lasted.  I returned this morning at the buttcrack of dawn to face layers of issues that are so out of my hands it ain't even funny.  I prayed all the way there never expecting what ultimately happened.  From experience, I should have known better.  If the intention was to make me feel one inch tall, mission accomplished.  It was just one more nail in the coffin that is my lifelong career.  There comes a time when it just doesn't matter anymore and it is what it is.  Once a person has burned out peaked careerwise, they are a liability to some companies and that seems to be the case with me.  I have six years until anything resembling a possibility for retirement so something has to give.  And it will most likely be my soul.  Much of it I have done to myself by propping up a system where I did more than I should have at times, and not nearly enough at others.  I own that like the big girl that I am.

Much is said about the current generation and their work ethic in the sense that they don't see upward mobility as a priority.  They have seen what happened with my generation and the multiple crash and burn scenarios involving corporate America.  Compliance and progress mean change and that's a good thing when it's handled properly.  I try really hard to not let the trauma of the past year color my outlook but the truth is plain and simple...I am still grieving in a lot of ways and will be for some time.  Empathy is the ability to see that in another person and feel their pain.  It is a rare gift that many people do not have.  It can be dangerous when there are no boundaries, but with those in place it's a gray area for compromise vs black and white mentality.  A lot can be accomplished that way.

The Camry had a low tire and I had to all act like a girl during lunch and get help putting the air in because I was too traumatized to think straight at that moment.  God love him for not being down right nasty like the cocky little manager at the chicken store.  I had picked up some cigs on the way to town this morning and the clerk gave me the wrong kind.  I noticed it and returned AFTER work to swap them out.  He promptly explained to me that the FDA forbids that even though it was HIS employee that made the mistake.  I have seen this guy publicly humiliate every cashier in that store and cringed over it.  Stick it up your ass dude.  From now on I'll go to money mike's

As for me and mine, we will think unicorns and rainbows.  And above all.....peace.

the faith chapter

Once upon a time I presumed to be proficient enough in theology as to teach a SS class at the local UMC.   I will never forget when Mark G  helped a girl out with a reference to Hebrews 11:1.  "Faith is made of a core belief system that what we hope for will happen."  We believe in things unseen like one big god who demands that it be done this way or that (NOT).  To hell with the Pharisees and them.  It was not until I saw a dramatic re-creation of the walk to the cross that I understood the sacrifice.  Certainly didn't have to do it, and cried out to his God to give him strength to get through it.   Worldwide religious conflicts are tearing the globe apart one country at a time.  And meanwhile, back here in good old Tennessee we're arguing over bathrooms.  Talk about a sweet job for a perv...door police.  Just say no.   We do, however, have wine coming to local store shelves so maybe we can get a Publix or something.  A girl can always dream.

My parents taught me to be obedient and mostly kind in a 1950ish sort of way.  Daddy was raised Baptist and converted to the Methodist side when us kids came along.  Mama's heritage there is epic going all the way back to the congregations that led to the corner of Main and McGaughey.  That is where I grew up with an entire generation of folks who are still my BFFs when the shit hits the fan.  Which is often, by the way.  Thank God I have nice neighbors.

The first senior pastor I remember is Hank Russell whom I met years later at annual conference.  In true Methodist fashion, they came and went and one even got in trouble with the secretary for not being Christlike.  The next one I remember is Larry Tubb who was all hippie and precious with his family and our first "youth" minister.  He organized MYF and made it happen with high school kids when it wasn't really a priority for the powers that be.  Daddy raised hell to get us a dance in the fellowship hall and it NEVER happened.

There were others who spoke to me as God's messenger over the years.  Cecil Kirk was one of them and so was Ronnie Peck.  Wade Cox. Willis Gilliland.  Patti Lou ( god love her ) is my hero up in that church and I do believe VBS is coming up soon!  If you ask me it's a wise move to get the parents involved with that stuff.  Do it after work or something.  So many other people in my faith community have stayed in touch and reached a hand out when I thought all was lost.  That's where the believing part comes in.  Negativity and retribution lead to nothing but drama.

"For without faith, it is impossible to please him."  It's really scary to let go and let God or Big Ernie of whomever your higher power is.  You are not in charge, nor am I.  Sometimes I think back to the betrayal of Jesus by those groupies and gasp.  But more often I recognize myself in some way.  We each have our demons and when push comes to shove, most people save their own ass.  That reminds me of a story involving a pair of Army buddies in Iraq many years ago.  They were on search and rescue and changed positions when Sean was fatally shot.  It was during the time when the whole deal was still raging and we were sacrificing a generation to defend what?  Oil.  *thanks cheney

One of my favorite memories is of the ex COC member playing his trombone during the Easter extravaganza.  The bell choir is always exquisite and the clergy are humble and kind.  I doubt seriously I'll be escaping to a megachurch anytime soon.  Who wants 5K people at a service????  Bennie Hinn...that's who. The numbers at FUMC are staying pretty stable considering the dying out of a generation or five and a focus on outreach to the lesser of these.  Nancy Hardin is another mentor and she still has Jason Tarpley's piano to practice on following a free tuneup by Cooper.

So many wonderful folks from that home church have passed on.  Mama and I showed up for All Saint's day and cried a bunch.  KayKay was nearby doing aftercare.  This November the bell will toll for Mom.  Donna Locke is a PK who married the aforementioned minister of music and I will never forget the look on her face when we listened to that tone in her mother's memory.  I swear I saw God floating right in through the stained glass windows.  There's only one member of the men's quartet left so somebody better get busy with the spirituals.  Steve C?

I had a really hard time with the business/religion mix that was my church and employer.  I remember going to AC that night and after the service Gary Shorb popped up in there for a little show and tell on Methodist Healthcare's vision for West Tennessee.  We were sold as a parcel in 2003, the entire market. Two have closed, others are under utilized due to poor planning.  It's by nothing but the grace of God that people are there who want to help you...like, if you were family.  Dell King has been one of those people to me and so has Marti Artibee.  Aleece Jackson. Delores Jones.  There's that Methodist thread again.Mark and Jodie Agee. Carl and Linda Seely. Didi Paschall Christie Steve Mischke. George Lanier. Donnie Hardin. Jim Godsey.  Thanks to all of you for helping me to keep the faith.  I know I'm rambling, but it's good therapy to say thanks and be humble.  None of us keeps the faith by doing it on our own.  Only through a higher power can that happen.  Put down the damn remote and help people ya'll!  It's farmer's market season so get out there and shop.

Buy local ~

holiday travels

I was up early again to return to AutoZone for that part thingy which they could not install because "wiring" is involved and it's a liability. Alrighty then.  Babyface dude gave me the name of a mechanic who had called in earlier so I contacted said guy who told me was off today.  OMG.  I kind of played the girl card and wailed that I had to get to Jackson TODAY and he told me to come on over and he would help a girl out.  This guy and I chatted while he did the deed about how he can't make it in the auto repair business any longer because people bring shit in to be fixed, then don't pay.....thus a lot full of useless cars.  His focus from now on will be custom as in old ones because those folks know what they want and have the dollars to do it up right.  Today's hero is Ricky Baggett on East Court Street!  He wouldn't even take any money for what he did and I was gonna tip big.  There's your karma dude...pay it forward.

Rules are rules and there was no visitation today because it's not the official time.  BG said that perhaps her counselor can line us up for a family therapy session next day off since I'm working again on official visit day.  She starts a job this week and is riding the bus to and from.  I can't begin to tell you what peace of mind I have at the moment concerning her future.  God moves in mysterious ways and somehow we've been in touch with the right people at the right time for her to be where she is.  Prayers always help.  Please send them up!

So...I have one day to get ready for corporate and things don't look too bad.  There are still piles but they won't go away until sale redux.  It's all in boxes and baskets and ready to haul down to Casa Grands at a later date.  Tomorrow is back to the sawmill day after 10 of relaxation.  You can bet your sweet ass I'll be chanting the serenity prayer all the way in.  Rumor has it that a freakin' helicopter will be used to move the house.  Oh yeah.....there will be plenty of pictures of the flying log cabin!!!

Remember those who served bravely and lost their lives for our country.  Lt. James Herrick Jr is the name on my bracelet from the Vietnam war.  10/27/69.   Rest in peace brother.

^j^

the ( not so ) trusty camry

I woke up early this morning knowing that I would get to visit BG this afternoon for the first time in two weeks.  After running several errands and still finding myself with time to kill, I went to the car to head down toward Casa Grands for a look see.  As fate would have it, it would not start.  I had been out there cleaning the windows and figured I had just run the battery down by leaving the key in the ignition.  No problem....I have cables and the neighbors were home so they offered to boost me off.  Mind you, these are the very same folks who brought my dinner on a four wheeler yesterday afternoon.  It would not boost.  At all.  Okay then.  We took it off and headed to AutoZone for a new one where "new guy" was trying to wait on some idiot with time on his hands and a passive aggressive manner.  About the time I whispered "holy jesus" the lady in front turned around and gave me a look letting me know that she was not amused either.  I was on a mission to get to Jackson and they weren't helping.

Patrick put the new battery on and had trouble with the positive terminal because the screw is worn out if you can imagine that on a 15 year old car.  Anywho, it started and I told him he was the man!  After going back in to visit the bathroom before taking off, I returned to the car and turned the key .  Nothing.  Nada. By that time I was already supposed to be at a meeting 45 minutes away.  BG was despondent because gawd...it's been a long time since we saw each other!    We had a phone call marathon with me reaching out to the powers that be for an alternate to today's visit.  Meanwhile, my buddy Wayne came over to check things out and found that the piece on the terminal that is over the post would not screw down right because it's stripped or something.  Who knows!  So, tomorrow it's back to AutoZone for one of those to go on my 110 buck battery.  Hopefully I can make the trip safely then.  Wayne told me if I had trouble just to "whack on it" with a wrench.  Right.  I'm a girl and that's not really in my skill set but I'll give it my best.

All I can figure is that it was not meant for me to make that trip today.  Who the hell knows why, but maybe I was saved from some horrible happening by karma.  I choose to see it that way.  What used to send me into a fit of anxiety and rage turned into an acceptance of what is.  Tomorrow is another day....and Memorial Day which means light traffic.  So...there you go.  I was also supposed to meet a FB friend for the first time in person which will happen eventually so that I can give her something to make her day.  There's a back story there, but I'll save it for another time.

I think I'll just sit here and smell the soy candle and count my blessings that the damn thing didn't die on the highway.  Oh...and remember that "this too shall pass."  Leaving room for the spirit to work here.

^j^

things i need, in no particular order

A convenient food oasis with healthy options.  Publix would be nice because there's only one Kroger and it's on the strip with all the traffic.  An Aldi would work as well.  Guess we'll settle for the dollar store turkey and bread.  I think there's some leftover pasta.  I do NOT like to store hop...give me what I need.

More friends would be swell.  I know who the ones are who care and the ones who try to work me for their own glory.  These folks, the real ones...they come to visit and stay in touch.  We make an effort to see each other rather than depending on fate because you just never know what's around the corner.  I've had some store credit at a local gift place for months and went shopping for soy candles and earrings on the way to a meeting.  I quietly thanked my mother for the privilege and wished that I had been more understanding with her.

My car is decent for what I do which is go to work and piddle around town.  Going to Jackson is about the extent of my travel at this point unless somebody else drives.  I must say that even in a 2004 Maxima we traveled well to the beach.  Heather lives in NashVegas so she's an interstate pro.  We did, however, take the back roads through Alabama from about Montgomery on to avoid Mobile because Nanny is scared to death of big ass bridges.

I used to think I'd like to have a boyfriend but that passed years ago just because I quit looking.  The way I figure it, Big Ernie has a plan and that's not in it at the moment.  My life is full with other relationships that are reciprocal and I'll take it.  The neighbors are doing a shrimp boil this afternoon and I'm invited as usual.  I'm so very grateful to have them close by because there was a lot of years that I feared what was going on down the lane.   Now it's nothing but kids having fun.  

I haven't thought about work in so long that it was kind of a shock that I related to others how hard it is for me to keep from getting sucked into power plays.  The last time it happened I prayed the serenity prayer and pitched it to Big Ernie.  Much healthier than anger or anxiety.  I am more than that and people don't like it when you set boundaries.  That's why it's so important to teach kids that no means no because being assertive is an excellent survival skill.  If you can't claim what you need for yourself, nobody else is gonna' spoon feed it to you.

Goat's milk soap is a no go here in the 'burg evidently so Amazon it's up to you to deliver.  Heather had some rosemary infused that was to DIE for.  On a random note, there was a poor hummingbird stuck in the house last night trying to get out and smacking the window.  I felt totally bad for him but uh,..not much I could do.  I slept for 12 hours ( again ) and still feel like going to bed before dark.  I can, however, tell that I'm beginning to heal from the trauma of the past year.  As Martha would say "That's a good thing."

^j^

the real world

We sailed all the way from Florida straight up through Alabama yesterday after a leisurely wakeup and to die for breakfast at the Asiago Skillet.  We had ZERO rain during the entire trip until the last two hours of our journey home and the monsoon started around the Tennessee state line.  I watched as the clouds swirled and darkness fell and knew damn well what was coming....my worst  nightmare!  I don't travel well, to say the least and especially at night and in the freakin' RAIN.   Depth perception is the problem as it appears to me that every tail light or head light that I see seems to be coming straight at me.  This is why I spent the last two hours on the ride home with a pillow over my head.  Heather thought I was nutso and carried on.  Even she got a bit ruffled at the heavy rain.  Both of  our phones got dings about a flash flood alert and they weren't kidding.  From what I heard it was even worse here in the 'burg with heavy wind and limbs down plus a monsoon to boot.  I swear the corn has grown two feet since I left and I do believe the children are out there in it somewhere.

Dude that got busted by beach patrol for being a dumbass on a board had hair down to his waist.  We named him Steely Dan and got tickled when the radio LED spelled that out as we approached home.  Nobody but us and the beach neighbors know what that means!  They are a delightful family of five from Lake Charles LA and their kids became fast friends with our 9 year old Leea.  She ended up with a lot of t-shirts and two hermit crabs that rode in the back all the way to their certain death in Tennessee.  I can honestly say we never had one that survived.  The dogs were absolute maniacs when we pulled into my yard and Lily the bitch bitch crawled me like a scratching post forever.  All were totally amazed that I could just up and leave them outside.

Here are just a few random beach observations :  Books are mandatory even if you don't read a word.  It's why you're there, right?   I never cracked mine open because I was too busy people watching and playing in the surf with the kids.  I skipped going out to dinner each night because I need alone time and that worked perfectly.  Heather cooked fresh seafood  one night and she and Nanny did breakfast every day.  It was low stress and fluid as can be with three generations of women from one family and a hanger on.  Heather got a few hours sleep last night and hit the road again, this time to kayak the Duck River with her main man. who is quite the adventurer.  Plus he's a nurse if anybody gets hurt!

The dirty clothes and dishes and garbage that I left sitting in the dust last Saturday are still here and waiting to be dealt with.  I am so thankful to have a few more days off to get that done before corporate arrives.  He would not be amused.  I sat on the porch yesterday morning listening to the waves and watching a brightly colored parasail floating and bobbing above my head and wondered what it would feel like to be able to do that.  Just catch the wind and go where it blows.  Planes and choppers from the nearby naval base are a timely reminder that we are still in America.   I haven't thought about politics in an entire week except for conversations with Heather.  Girl has some sense....just saying.

Estate sale redux will be in late June and the inventory must go but not dirt cheap.  We still have quite nice pieces of memorabilia that somebody would die for.  Much of what I've smuggled out of their house over the years will be returned there but I'm keeping the important stuff.  Just gotta' decide what that is!

Memorial day ~ Be mindful.

gift from the sea

I have never been to the beach when it didn't rain at least once a day so this is an exceptional weather pattern for the panhandle of Florida.  I have totally enjoyed meeting random people and bonding with them.  We have made up names for a lot of them like Steely Dan and Minnie Mouse.  There's Becky from Arkansas who is moving to Little Rock from Texarkana and talks to anybody who will listen. Some guy upstairs has a pipe that he taps all the time.  There are old ladies playing cards too right above my head with a 2nd floor view. We took beach pictures, several of them.  I've had the time of my life so a big thanks to Heifer for being my travel guide. 

My friend called from Shelby to tell me that the weather forecast is 100% chance of rain for the next week plus I missed some big storms last night and this morning.  He always thinks about me when the tornado sirens wail.  Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!   Somewhere around 2006 we had huge one close to the 'burg and a lot of folks got killed including Heather's grandma and uncle.  We've been through all that history and are moving forward, 

There is something about being in a different scenario that sets the imagination free.  That is something that can't be done while in the heat of everyday life.  I've been a blogger for a lot of years and never posted away from home.  Now I know that I can!  In the words of Mary Engelbreit " No matter where you go, there you are." We colored her art today with pencils.  I have no water blisters , thankyouverymuch.  When we went away last time it was to the Robert Trent Jones golf trail and village of little boxes.  I like this much better. 

Tomorrow we head back to Tennessee and real life.  Surely there's something funny ahead for me and mine.  If not, I will smooth find my own joy. 

^j^

happy as a crab leg

Heather is cooking dinner tonight which sounds like some creamy shrimp pasta, crab legs and garlic bread.  We had a nice day on the beach with another green flag and high spf day.  There were hats all around, just saying.  Our neighbor Katherine and her family were doing the sights with all 3 of their kids.  She and Nanny bonded last night after I gave up the ghost. 

I love watching the beach people with their wagons and whatnot.  Everybody has a story but it must be clear by 5PM.  That's when the  beach patrol gets off!  We were blessed by some incredibly devoted guy this morning who drilled for our umbrella rather than Heather having to twist that rusted out old thing.  If I'm not mistaken, it's the same one we took to Destin in 2010.

God is good.  All the time ~

beach bloggin'

There won't be much of it because well.....I'm not used to using the laptop.  Heather drove us like a pro all the way down through Mississippi, Alabama and straight to the beach.  The weather is gorgeous and so is the condo.  First floor walkout with just a few feet navigate.  THIS is heaven plain and simple  I watched a couple of guys get called in by beach patrol with a whistle this morning for going too far on their boogie boards. Looked like father and son, both totally embarrassed. 

I'm being very careful with the sun because I'm white plus there's this whole skin dysplasia thing going on from prior sun damage.   Not only is the sound of the surf working on my soul, the salt and sand are doing their detox thing.  We have a 9 year old in our party who keeps things lively in a good girl sort of way.  She's old enough to mind and young enough to not have an attitude.  Especially with Nanny and Aunt Heather.  P is watching over the furbabies for me and he has puppies of his own so that's a good friend for you. 

BG was originally booked to come with us but plans change and she's job hunting instead.  I'll see her next weekend after I get back to real life.  We mailed her a card today with Hoops and Yoyo screeching....I can't help it, I just adore them.  If the world ends or Trump gets elected, y'all send me an IM and a heads up.   This old gal is totally in fantasy land.

Calm ~

coulda' shoulda'

That was the name of a blog I used to read back in the day.  The author was an author herself  in love with Joshilyn Jackson at the time which is how I became acquainted with her.  I won a signed copy of Gods in Alabama and have never considered kudzu the same way since.  A heap is a mighty good place to stash a body, just ask Karen Swift's murderer.  Still no charge some years later if I'm not mistaken.  That smooth got swept under the rug....just saying.  The moral to that story is don't be a fitness instructor I guess.  Same thing happened to some girl in Texas except without the kudzu.

My friend Pax up in Joisey is hurting really badly right now and I truly feel his pain.  It's only been four months since I was living the life he is dealing with and the memories are still fresh.  It becomes like a movie that won't end well and you know it but damn.  Knowing enough as he and I do about the system and how elders navigate is a blessing that I continue to count.  It could have been so.much.worse.  So many folks have no advocate whatsoever except for the kind folks who care for them because it's their day ( or night ) job.  I work with a wonderful group of healers who give quality care, right here at home.  Our sister facility in Selmer is closed and I'm sure others will follow.  Too many people in our state are uninsured because of you know who and that bunch.  Talk to the hand bitch.  That's 300K people!

The original TennCare model was a great concept implemented under the administration of Governor Phil Bredesen.  It was promptly raped and gutted by shady day care providers  that the Fords lined up and pharmacies everywhere.  Administrators of both programs were nailed after that basically sound program ceased to be.  Since then, Tennessee has become the healthcare capital of the world.  A quick glance at sales and mergers will tell you that it's a house of cards that could topple at any time.  I'm glad I have my good looks to go on, you know?

I'm good to go on this trip with minimal baggage and a weary body.  I'm believing with all my heart that a few days of fun in the sun will relax me enough to think clearly about the next step or five.  I've got a couple of bills to pay and then it's nothing but relaxation for a week.  I told my friend Kim I was afraid to get excited because something ALWAYS happens.  This time, I don't even care.  I'm in Heather's hands and it feels good not to be in charge.

Heading south y'all........

detachment

I have learned the hard way that when things get volatile it's best to just disconnect emotionally and act as if, especially if it's something that is revisited time and again with the same outcome.  I pick my battles now and unless I'm completely overwhelmed will just let things go.  An honest and rational discussion about things is one deal but being called out in front of peers and scolded is quite another.  That being said, I've survived it many times before and still have an ass after the chewings.  Humility and empathy give me the ability to step back and assess my part of a relationship so that I can change my response rather than trying to change the person.  See...that junior college psych course did pay off!

It's T-1 day to beach and I have piles to be packed which is actually pretty damn awesome for me.  BG dinged me out of the blue today and I'm excited to get to chat with her for the first time in a week.  Mozella, our mayor, is 96 and needs her B12 once a month and I PROMISED today so there you go.  She sticks that old muscle out there ready for the needle and never once has said it hurts.  Her friend Sally used to do the honors when she was alive.

Mozella's husband Earl was a son to Son Johnson who lived right across the gravel from our homeplace with his wife Ms Lockey.  They had the whole farm thing going with henhouses and roosters srtutting around a barnyard where the cows and pigs lived.  I remember watching Ms. Lockey wring a chicken's neck and I never wanted to see a headless one hopping around.  Scarred me for life, you know.  So did the snakes that swam in the Forked Deer backwater.

I'm totally loving the fact that Mahala doesn't have a day job because she's revisiting a lot of her old tales and she makes me laugh like a mofo.  Her TA was the inspiration for my BG.  She and I both know the hazards of working at the Asylum past the healthy point.  Right Liz?  Sometimes....you just gotta' know when to fold them.

Serenity ~

blackout

In recovery talk that's a no contact time for the client.  It happens at each transition just to make sure everybody's with the program and don't get stupid.  The rules change with every move and it's a true test of who is flexible enough to work with change.  In spite of what Sandra Bullock portrayed, it takes a whole helluva lot more than 28 days.  A sober living COMMUNITY is the only real pathway to staying clean yet there are pitfalls even there.  Friends made while sober for a few weeks often hit the streets back to usual and run into the recovering client.  That's when God has a hand in things.  Believe it or not, social de-tox is a real thing what with all our devices to be addicted to.  That's why it's so important to establish residency where you don't have sources.

We have very important people walking around the sawmill taking notes.  Thanks be to the lort, our close scrutiny was two weeks ago and I got to leave on time.  Lunch breaks are now spent running errands and eating in the car because *corporate.  Until I was mandated to do it, I never realized how much of a life saver it is just to change scenery for 30 minutes.  No noise except for the rumble of the Camry.  The value menu at Wendy's beats the 6 dolla' special at work.  Just saying.

So.  The DNC all has their panties in a wad over Bernie supporters questioning the vote which is very close,  by the way, in a non delegate sort of way.  If you follow the big wins for both he and Hillary it's quite plain to see that his crowd is much more progressive in states where there aren't that many rednecks conservatives and high dollar Dems.  What I see shaping up is something that America has never seen, Ralph Nader and Ross Perot notwithstanding.   For the histrionic DNC leadership to suggest that Sanders supporters might get violent at the convention is absurd and a nasty tactic.  Play nice DWS.

Believe it or not, it's still chilly.  Heather sent me the forecast for our beach place and it looks almost perfect. Low 80s all week!  I'm getting organized slowly which is the only way I know how.  There's bound to be a name for that syndrome other than procrastination.  If so, I need a cure.  The babysteps that I take to get up and move ahead feel good.  And that...is what's up.

Waves ~

making a list

There are literally piles of stuff to be washed in every room of the house.  I slept a little late and got my hair cut before heading out for the swimsuit adventure.  I hate to shop so it took me exactly 15 minutes to get in and out of JC Penney.  Meanwhile my beachmate and her hubby are on their own little adventure.  I pray that there is success!   I figure being on the beach will be a good way to bring positive vibes toward you know where.  Chucky and I talked about everything and nothing and the rest of the crew is a new mix of  licensed students, hand picked by their instructor and co-owner of the salon and the usuals.  One lady was there to get a do on CRUTCHES.  I've never wanted it that bad y'all.  Anyway, it's short and cute and has sea salt spray on it.  I don't do ponytails well, just saying.

Jill Stein began quietly and intelligently trolling for supporters around the same time that Bernie began in earnest to gain steam.  Her party is Green which is better than red or blue at this point.  Here's my suggestion:  She and Bernie should team up and rock everybody's world.  I'd go for that in a heartbeat and even leave EW alone about leaving the Senate for a run.  Just give me an option puleeeeezzz!  I will not support any political party that does not match my own personal beliefs.  Period.   At this point that includes, but is not limited to, access to medical cannabis and a huge step away from opiates.  I mean gawd...the oil cures cancer!  No chemo in the world has ever done that completely.  It's also good for seizure disorders that have previously been treated with a benzo cocktail.  Phoenix Tears....google it.

The house is looking better slowly but surely.  You can see the floor in every room and the piles are getting organized.  It's like I've been "picking" in my own house for two years.  I'm still behind on the yard but that can wait until right before corporate.  As long as the inside is decent and has a place to sit we're good.  I haven't seen Harvey since he was a pallbearer for Daddy.  I am forever grateful that his family honored a decades old agreement but also because he has a keen interest in preserving the history here.  Maybe I can talk him into a pumpkin patch or something.  The little neighbor girl would love it.  Speaking of which, they have a huge plot out back and Bev is working her ass off to produce some fresh food.

It's still blackberry winter here.  Cousin Sandy came to visit in a hoodie last night and we had a contest to see who could keep the longest ash up in the air like Gaga did.  Only she would have hers in her LIP and be talking.  After a couple of tries, Sandy won hands down.  She's a night shift OB nurse so we have *lots* in common besides our blood family.   I babysat she and her sister Nancy when their parents lived on College.  I dream about that house and want so badly walk up there with Floyd Speck's art and do a walk through.  I still have moments when I can visualize the layout of the place.

I'm tired of justifying myself to others and taking emotional abuse from people with their own agendas.  I'm watching  kildeer do it's thing on the gravel keeping those babies safe from Mr. Snake.  It's hilarious and calming all rolled into one.  Before I got this bigass window, I never knew what I was missing.  Nothing like nature viewing with the AC on.  

Work smarter ~

getting my red up

I think what hooks me most about Trae Crowder is the irony of a good old Tennessee boy taking on conservatives in our very red state and making me LMFAO at the same time.  I've always been a low maintenance kind of girl you know.  I can literally smell the salty air from here and finally have a day off to sleep in run errands and get my hair styled by none other than Chucky.  Or whoever is free!  If he has a high maint old lady in the chair I sit and watch him work his magic.  They adore him, just saying.   He and Vicki and I graduated together and went to DSCC where we had brief dramatic careers under the direction of Avonne Wortham.  I haven't performed since them except to make people laugh.  Julie Scoggins is another comedic hero of mine.  I mean dayum, it's better than crying.

There is something I've noticed about people and their issues because I think too much.   My hooks are mostly co-dependent in origin and they have followed me through years on the job and with family.  One of the things that I'm most grateful for is that with early intervention and therapy I was able to find myself and move to the next chapter.  Losses that are not grieved properly come back to haunt us in daily life both on the job and off.  Who has never had a boss who could not be pleased or one that let you do the work for them.  I've had several over the years.  This type of manager is one who is blindly loyal to corporate yet struggles at times trying to understand what's wrong with the whole big picture.  Always, with the worry.  I'm sorry but life is short and then you die and I ain't got time for that.

BG called to say she loves me which was a random surprise.  I was out searching for aloe vera juice and organic apple cider vinegar and managed to find both with much searching in two stores.  I refuse to go to WalMart ever again and I mean it.  I'm sure that Walgreen and Kroger are no better, but we can only hope.  Organic options for the well informed are a must for healthy living.  Plus it's much cheaper than sending your chicken to China to be processed.  Ack!!

It's wedding season and I'll probably not attend one of the three I'm invited to but will be there in spirit.  Depends on the time and mood, you know?  Cousin Sandy and I work together and plotted this morning to make another tour of Casa Grands for inventory purposes.  All the pictures and personal stuff are still there to be enjoyed at a leisurely pace because the house ain't going anywhere this year.  That's a project for 2017. Wish me luck on the shopping.  I need a floppy straw hat and swimwear.  I'm trusting Heather and Big E on the rest of it.

^j^

bloggers anonymous

A wonderful writer that I respect once called me a "consistent" blogger.  By that I suppose he meant that I hit it most every day because it's good for my mental health.  When somebody tells me not to "blog" something you better believe I take it seriously.  I have learned the hard way that folks do what they do and expect not to get caught let others know about things that are none of their business.   It's called privacy like in HIPPA and whatnot.  I learned yesterday that credit reporting agencies cannot legally report outstanding medical debt when calculating a score and risk analysis.  That's because most of them will turn you over to the collection agencies that they hire to get your deductible.  Thanks Obama.

I read a story on an unnamed liberal website today about Trump and his romantic escapades over the years which culminated with his perverted narcissistic self buying the beauty pageants up before he became a game show host.  Or maybe that was training for it.  Anyway,   Anybody who looks at the type of crowd that is following him should be scared to death.  If he has his way, it will turn into an all out reality series about kicking Putin's ass.  He's that deluded!  Enter Paul Ryan aka Eddie Munster and there you have it.  The perfect shitstorm.   I guess they were looking for somebody that Jesus didn't call.

I do so ramble on and sometimes bore myself with the details but then there's always something random worth talking about.  Like peace and love and rock and roll.  Everybody's pissed about Nashville getting cancelled because it was a HUGE draw for the hole in the wall Bluebird Cafe.  Many a performer has begun, learned and gone on to share in that place.  Most of them never made it in the biz, but it's one of those things that gets paid back like at The Ryman.  A lot of great artists have passed over to glory lately and I'm here to tell you that when James Taylor goes, I'm taking funeral leave.  Three full days of it.

Otha' brother called yesterday while commuting and again today and we finally caught up for a few minutes as I sat in the yard after work drinking a MichU.  Short and sweet because he has two hours to get ready for his TV weather gig Virginia style.  I miss him and I miss Lauren.  Bubba and I chatted this morning about sale redux and my vacation.  Now that we don't have parental details to tend to, there's not as much contact but that's okay.  Now it's not of necessity but choice.

Family ~

montezuma's revenge

I'm scared to death of cruise ships and being locked out in the middle of nowhere with a whole bunch of idiots who fall off the boat and/or get Norvirus.  That's precisely why you will never see my old ass on one, most especially headed to Mexico.  I choose to chill on the white sands of the Miracle Strip and stay put while the sun rises and sets.  It's a whole 'nother experience seeing it there.  The last time we went was in 2010 and stayed at a resort "village" in Sandestin.  It reminded me of the Truman Show with little houses in pastel colors each with a grill and front porch.  There was this band playing poolside at the beach and I can't remember the name because those change on a whim!  It was Billy and Blair and some other guy and they broke out into the best version of How Long I've heard yet, except for Robert Cray himself.  I guess you had to be there.

Heather and Joe were just getting together and she arranged the whole thing.  Mama paid for me and Lauren to go for her college graduation gift.  We rode with Vicki and Marisa ( there's a story there ) and Paula flew in after dark that same day.  Gumbler came from South Texas and won the award for farthest traveled.  That was when I realized the extent of drug trafficking on the border.  Well, that and Weeds.  He was patrolled a ranch and told us about the scarves that coyotes left on poles to mark the trail.  Lots of guns involved both on patrol and through Esteban's tunnel.  Just saying.

I don't know about ya'll but I'm assuming that all this planning for the election of 2020 is the GOP's way of saying "we fucked up big time."   I knew when Boehner left that even he couldn't stomach what the party has become.  There are choices and many of them involve thinking outside the box.  There doesn't have be a ticket defined by whatever party is in power.  That's not how America works y'all.

Sawmill was on an even keel today so there's that to be thankful for plus a whole lot more.  Lorna and I chatted about how to re-distribute the age old perennials around here.  She mentioned a backhoe...big clumps of dirt and crowns.  She and I are on parallel journeys at the moment waiting for definition from the universe of our next moves.  I love it when that happens, don't you?

I'm still staging and cleaning in spurts because corporate is coming I'm sick of having to walk through the maze that is this old house.  My mama did not raise me that way, you know?  Organization was her crack but evidently that's a recessive gene or else Bubba got my part.  I'm the idea girl so to speak.  That doesn't serve well in today's healthcare industry.

Other than it's all unicorns and rainbows!  Oh, and chickens and four wheelers.

fabulous friday

As Jerry would say, of course.  I sure do miss his face man!   He is hands down one of the happiest people I know.  The other is sitting on my front porch with her friends that include Lynn and Bill with the metal detector.  They're having a ball dodging mr snake out there in the asparagus bed.    Lynn heard me mention asparagus and there they went!  Bill found a few treasures and they shall be Facebooked along with all their lovely faces.  I just love it when company comes.  Farmer Joey is spraying today so I had to come inside because *ack*..

If the cabin is moved, my next project will be to dig up some flowers that scream Daddy and Mama and move 'em up around here.  I used to do that all the time when I was younger and had more energy.  Umm..20's until about 55.  That's when the life drain started.   The history surrounding this house is legend and I actually dug up old stones and made flower beds where there was nothing but dirt.  That's where Mr. Snake hides out too.  Right there in the hostas dude.   They will bloom soon and every year I think about my Aunt Virginia who chopped the flowers off to keep them all "in line."  O.M.G.

I come from a long line of crazy, just saying.  But then most people do because what the hell defines normal. We spend so much time worrying and fretting over every little detail that the beauty of any given moment in a day is often missed.  Learn to be still..Lerd, it's so hard for a control freak.  Meanwhile, back at the beach....my friends Cathy and Mary Beth are chilling and getting things ready for my departure on Saturday with Heather, Nanny and Leah who is 9 years old.  This should be interesting!  As long as I don't have to drive, it's all good.

As for me and mine, we shall carry on with faith.

^j^

rain rain go away

I've started paying a lot more attention to the weather thanks to the badass phone so I knew there was a line of storms headed this way today.  With that in mind I hit 412 early this morning to see my Babygirl and it was absolutely freakin' awesome the way we hugged and visited and cried and parted.  I made it all the way to Tigrett before the damn bottom fell out.  About that time I got a phone call from a smartass friend who said he was sending me "some more rain".   The two lane to Four Points is dicey even on a dry day so I just pulled the Camry over on the shoulder and waited until it was halfway safe to drive.  These eyes are not doing well I'm afraid, of maybe it's just allergy dust making my vision blurry.  Lerd!

I sat and watched yesterday as this big black and white bird bombed the asparagus bed over and over and I was kind of puzzled by all the activity until I saw what he was after....a huge LONG snake slithered out across the grass with the bird still swooping.  Mr. Snake was too quick and lives to scare the bejesus out of me.   I can't help it...I'm deathly afraid even if they are a positive totem.

The dogs are out there nosing around in between thunderstorms getting all muddy.   They love it here and never wander off from the lane.  My friend will be feeding them while I'm on vacay.  Which is only a week away.  Seven days bitches.  Let us pray for safe travels and good weather.

Over and out from the lane ~

i been cheated

I was in BG's room going through the clothes last night and found a spiral notebook under a pile on the bed.  I flipped through it and noticed that it wasn't her writing but was familiar.  Today I read what was in it and was touched by the words of a man who has been dead for almost a year now.  During his 10 year recovery he took full ownership of social issues, resentments and pretty much what he did wrong.  There was a lot of behavior in there I knew about but I was surprised to find that he had been unfaithful while we were married.  I guess I thought I was so damn in control of the world that it wouldn't happen in my 50% of the woods.. We were divorced for 15 years when he died suddenly last year. He and BG had a routine of visits where there was always food and shopping involved.  He cooked for her and their favorites were country fried steak and gravy Pnoler style and lasagna.  We were on good terms after a few years and talked often because we spent a lot of time together making a living and raising a child....plus we had a lot of good friends!  When I left him for the last time I was honest and told him I had feelings for someone else.  That was when the spiral started.

There were a lot of pages about his family which, as I have mentioned before, was a train wreck.  The state took him from his birth mother because of neglect and he ended up with his grandmother and step-grandfather who drew a check on him because of his allergies and skin.  He never knew who his birth father was but I was told it was a stepbrother in the household with his Mom.  There was resentment there for him not coming forward. On and on it went for page after page of things being examined closely for motive and opportunities lost.  I was the least of his resentments besides Lauren.  I believe that he knew  I loved him with all my heart and that he didn't have a clue what to do with it.

More and more often I see that we are where we are because of decisions made of free will.  Dissecting the reasons for those choices is a healthy act in retrospect but also a good tool to use when considering the proverbial next move.  To act with thought and wisdom vs. blindly pushing forward is a much smarter way to be and quite hard for an ADD control freak.  If I wasn't afraid of getting addicted I'd get me some Adderol.  Today's good news on CNN was about how numerous fatal overdoses have been chalked up to so called "hydros" or percocets actually being made of homecooked Fentanyl.  Which brings us all back around to where the whole thing started.  It's time for an honest discussion about the dangers of opiates because they are socially acceptable and widely prescribed.  Medical cannabis is a much more effective long term pain reliever with relatively few side effects compared to pharmaceuticals.  Like, duh.

There is a place for opiate based medicine and that is for short term control of severe pain as in after surgery or trauma.  For physician mills to be making millions off of government healthcare dollars by handing out scripts is absurd and would be is a full time job for the DEA.  Nurse practitioners do it to...hell anybody with a license and no scruples.  One little value added piece to the provider thing is that they often drug test their patients to CONFIRM that they are taking the prescribed meds on schedule rather than selling them on the street. That's their "insurance" against malpractice.  What a crock.

My dear friend CB returned to the sawmill today and gave me a big hug which I've missed.  She'll come out of nowhere with a look or a "what's up" and snatch me back to the fact that I'm truly loved.  I haven't talked to my only aunt in eons so I called her yesterday and we talked about every little thing because I needed to   hear some memories.

Gotta run because Gigi is on the way and we need to get a little crazy like we used to at the pool.  Or not because this is domino night and she does love a good game.  Nothing like the sound of ivory slapping a bar with a side bet in progress.  Add the jukebox and a few beers and you have yourself a great time going.  She tans and butters so the dogs went nuts licking her legs under the kitchen table.  Sammy D is the world's worst because he licks EVERYTHING including the windows and covers.  I reckon he has issues.  She's leaving for the beach on Saturday a week ahead of me.  I'm assuming she'll kiss the beach for me and get it ready.

Tide ~

because it's cute

Who among us has not spent the grocery money on a must have item?  For years it was perennials until I got them established then I turned to umm...I'm not sure where all the money went.  I rarely buy clothes choosing from my daughter's closet instead.  Packing for her is a chance to see what looks good on me.  I hit up the 'gentral after work for toiletries so we're ready for a Thursday supply run and quick hug.  I quit cooking when she left and started grazing, but she was the cook anyways.  Girl can smooth whip up something decadent.  Her dad was a griller at heart and I'm the casserole queen so there you go.

The emotional hangover from yesterday was not too bad because I just gave up the ghost about 5:30 and ceased crying or even caring about anything but rest.  That's when the blinds come in handy.  Annie called to check on me a couple of times during the day as my brothers did.  It was tough all the way around but it's a new day and there's Trump and Fat Bastard to worry about.  jesus.mary.mother.of.god. Let us pray.  If there is a god heshe will get us through this clusterf**k of DECISION 2016

Because I'm a hoarder I can I have chosen another piece from Mama's house to accent my newly redecorated home.  As I sit here listening to none other than The Fab Four on a laptop rather than a turntable and it's just not the same.  But then nothing ever is.  Annie and I talked about the advances in agricultural practice over our lifetimes which pretty much spans people with plows and hoes to giant green and yellow machines.  No till was not heard of on this farm until the 70s or 80s.  Soil conservation is imperative, particularly on hilly land.  The flats are what they are, but those hills can be something!

Two of my co-workers are beaching before me and one is all up in it as we speak.  Another will return on Wednesday to watch over our patients.  I will be doing my job and taking my breaks off the clock so as to not get caught on camera leaving the building on company time.  Because that's how we roll.  By the way, please remember that this is National Hospital Week and thank a healthcare provider.  RT...RN...MT...doesn't matter.

I received a compliment from a guy recently about my work performance   His comment was that I seem to own the pieces that I know about.  Taking ownership in the workplace is vital to the success of a business, otherwise it's just a check.  Too bad corporate America doesn't embrace that concept.  Well, some of them.
Time to go whip up some dinner!  If I had milk I'd make cornbread but noooooooo......

Let's go Krogering ~

i love you more

Yes kids....the struggle is real for me right now.  On Mother's day when I had planned to visit BG I find myself tied to the toilet with an angry colon.  We both cried like babies, just saying.  I am taken aback at the emotional things that are flowing right now and have to keep reminding myself that it's grief, pure and simple. I wandered around the empty log house this morning picking up little things that I remembered.  The Christmas ornament in an eggshell...a ceramic pitcher.  Cousin Sandy had her eye on a cute little drop leaf table and will get it after all.  There's still a lot of stuff there and and most of it is good.  It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings and the house moves uphill.  And yes, there will be video.

Annie called after I went to bed yesterday and we caught back up this morning with me bawling like a baby over just about every little thing and her giving me a pep talk that lifted my chin up a bit.  Being a hot mess is not the norm for me but it's kind of been a challenge to let go without valium or something.  The strongest I get is Benadryl  and melatonin at bedtime plus an SRUI daily.  Annie told me in a way I never thought about that my parents were preparing me for their departure and each other too, for that matter.  Her voice is happy to the max and she urged me to hold both my daughter and brothers' hands as we move foward.

One of the things that intrigues me about meetings is the tales folks have about what they did and how much they can't remember of it.   I can honestly say that I've never been that impaired.  I think it's because of a fear of losing control  and being at the mercy of somebody else.  Who do you trust ?  Your friends, if they're straight and honest.  Being sober is a decision that is often court ordered and there's a lot of money generated in the PO/ drug testing business not to mention prisons.  I heard a tale the other day involving law enforcement and *sadly* believed it.

Since I don't get to hug Lauren today let me tell you all how truly wonderful she is.  This gal is absolutely the whisperer to all things gentle like old people and dogs.  She grew up  with a Norman Rockwell type deal involving a big ass farm and grandparents down the road.  She was a real hellion in high school and had lots of company.  Those folks are still around here and there.  One of them ended up on the porch yesterday!  As a little girl she had sass and attitude and enjoyed being the "only."  She never did get into the Easter dress kind of frills but later learned to love fashion. There was this one picture of her in a hideous valentine print jumpsuit that Mom had made just for her!  Must.Find.

We are so co-dependent it ain't funny which is why this is a challenging time for us.  I'm no longer in the role of fixer except for taking care of me which is a big enough job.  After years of struggling to be all things to all people and save the world, I give.  Yep.  It's not my job, but Big Ernie's.  I was sobbing to LP about everything this morning and realized how often I used her as a sounding board for my own pain.  That is not something a mama should do, but then at least I didn't beat her!  For that, I apologize.  It's helpful to step back and think about regrets so that you can apologize specifically for something.  That takes the power out of it.

I don't want to be strong because it requires effort, but I keep trying.  When the Universe kicks me in the teeth or a snakeskin shows up, I know it's time to regroup.  In my daughter's eyes I now see hope and faith and grace.  We are a part of a wonderful recovery community.  God is good....all the time ^j^

busted

My eyes popped open right at daybreak and there was STILL no toilet paper so here I go to the chicken store.  As I approached I could see the blue lights flashing  up from Boss Hoss.  There was a truck and a car from city and as I rolled by a county car joined the scene.  They had two blonde chicks outside of a white Mustang and were patting them down for what looked like an arrest.  Not sure what all that was about because they looked like nice girls.  Anywho....

So, it's Mother's day weekend and big sale day down the road.  I'm keeping my distance because why watch strangers pick over my parents' legacy?  Maybe later but I doubt it.  I knew that it would be a tough Mother's day and so I'm delighted to be spending it with my very own daughter.  MeMaw will be present in spirit.  Marfie came by and bought some cookbooks after visiting the sale yesterday and I had to find chairs so we could sit at the table like real people.  It's still a wreck around here but getting better.

The dogs were going nuts on the steps yesterday so I ventured out to find a snakeskin out there which looked pretty new as in Mr. Snake just left it!  This is when I'm grateful for Ryan's weedeating skills, even if Jr. does mow down the asparagus.  Twice.  The season is over and the ferns stand proud and tall.  Mom made me a picture one year of the horse eating asparagus over the fence.  Priceless!  It was all fenced then and slowly but surely as critters have moved on the fences went away.  These are the ones that my Daddy spent many a hard day patching and repairing.  Cows are hell are barbed wire.

An old friend messaged that he's in town and might come by which is cool.  He was one of the original tribe of kids who stayed around here forever when they were teenagers and beyond.  They have all scattered but still consider me to be their otha' mother.  Bobby D was one of about 6 guys who unloaded a trailer full of mulch one find spring bonfire evening.  It was party central around here then with the crowds gathering around what used to be a pile in the driveway.....right in front of the barn.   Yeah, I was that mom.  However, they were all legal so there you go.

Happy mother's day to everyone who has loved a child as their own ~

happy friday bitches

I hope each and every one of y'all are doing something fun for weekend eve.  I've been fortunate enough to work every third for a # of years but that is soon to cease I've been told.  Since I don't have church duty anymore that's okay.  At least all the O's aren't trolling the place.  We have this answering system that consists of *choose an option as in pay your bill or ask for the lab.  When Miss Hazel retired she got replaced with patient access, which isn't a totally bad idea if you have the right tools and people and treat them right.

As a long term employee I've seen carnivals come and picnics go.  Everybody shows up for something free and corporate captures those moments for PR opportunities proving how happy everybody is.  My friend Liz has lost her job as of July.  She's had multiple health problems so that's good on her if you know what I mean.  Every time there was a rat killing at the Dyersburg hospital, she was there in force doing what she does best which is saving the world.  Her mother and mine worked many years ago at the local unemployment office.  Rosemary is still disco lips to me and Bubba!  She and I were on the IS conversion team when sale #2 happened in 2003.

I see God things now in the rearview like how I came to know Trisha.  Her daddy worked at the golf course and they lived in the to-die-for house back when we still had kittens under the porch.  She and her sister and most likely the oldest babygirl came to check them out with grandma in charge.  Ditto for Quint and Punk and all my other best friends.  When you are being led by a higher power, nothing is impossible.

March is usually employee satisfaction survey time but that's been postponed until next quarter.  Who am I to judge corporate decisions?  Who I am is a BS/MT who has been loyal to Parkview Hospital through all the changes that we've seen in the healthcare industry.  Everytime big fish ate little fish I said to myself "self...this could be a good thing."  Ultimately if the team is fractured and the mission vague, things don't work out.  Visions change even if we do "know what a miracle you are."  I'm ecstatic that UT is doing all those transplants!  That kind of procedure involves a lot of blood support.  5% remember?

I hope your weekend is lovely.  I'll be snapping  photos of pickers who agree to be photographed with my badass phone camera.  No release required, by the way.

^j^

carrying a clipboard

I had this friend who worked for management at a major aircraft company in Dallas. He struggled with hating the city life and wanting to do something that made him happier than  carrying that clipboard and looking worried about stats.  Last I heard he had taken up a new line of work and moved to Colorado.  He always was one to follow that star.  He and his partners wrote powerful emotional pieces about current topics in a way that held my interest and turned me kind of rabid on the liberal political view.  I can't remember the name of the others but one was in Missouri....Mule maybe?  The other was umm..I forget.  Blogging was just beginning to be a thing before they could be categorized by topic and mine was just out there.  Mommy blogging became big during that time because hey!  It's excellent therapy.

There was one I read called Hospice Guy which was pretty much as you would expect.  This is how I learned about the whole philosophy that EK Ross and other pioneers worked their asses off for.  To be in a compassionate setting with an incurable disease is a huge blessing no matter what life has dealt.  If there is family around to do the sitting and hand holding so much the better.  Often, there is nobody but the paid professionals on duty.  That's when you are blessed with ones who care and wish to do no harm.  The entire industry revolves around money and has for many years.  Not for profit companies are just as guilty when they use apportionment dollars to keep their healing ministry going and make a few bucks.  They're all the same basically.

As Rod would say "Here's the thing."  Each of us is given a talent by Big Ernie and often more than one. You might be a wonderful writer and good cook plus have a great voice.  If these gifts are used to his glory and honor, you have done well in his eyes. Or hers, if you believe in Sophia.  I have used mine for therapy and my own personal enjoyment to escape the reality of a dead end job and stressful family situation.  Had I been smarter there would be more focus on the talent and less on the stress creators.  Because in the end, you're all you've got.

Well, you and Big E.

^j^

elder advice

I ran into the dear deaf internist who cared for both of my parents at the end and now claims me as a patient as well.  We've had lots of conversations over the past months several of them with me in tears and threatening to run away.  He is calm, cool and puts things in bullet points where a crazy ass crying woman can understand how to get from point A to point B.  And still...I drag my feet.  "Expecting rain?" he asked since I was carrying Daddy's UT umbrella.  In fact, it was left from yesterday's showers and needed a ride back to the Camry for the next monsoon.  I thought he was going to tell me to get that scope done and his words were "get out and have a little fun."  Just what the doctor ordered.

My friend Debbie is a librarian who has lived in Texas since she was 19.  About ten years ago she randomly selected me as " looks like a nice place to visit " and spent a few days on the hill with us.  She's the one who helped me put down out of control fire #1 from asparagus burning.  It was November, dry as a bone and crop stubble everywhere so there you go.  We both had a broom and it eventually hit the road in spite of ourselves.  I could just see me having to tell corporate I burned down the farm.  Which almost happened last year, by the way.  We haven't talked in like forever so yesterday afternoon's long conversation was a treat.  Her husband died last year following a long illness and we compared miseries concerning the vicious cycle of hospital, rehab, nursing home.  She left a long term job that she had come to hate and found great joy in an opportunity to blend her Christian beliefs with a love of books.  I just love that story!

Poor idiot Cruz will go down in presidential history as the one who smacked his wife in the face as he was giving up the ghost against the Donald.  That's right up there with Cheney shooting his friend!  The 3rd party idea is being tossed around ( again ) as if it's a new idea with all eyes on beating Hillary or else deciding she's better than Trump.  That's kind of a sideways conservative kind of logic but it is what it is.  There is and has been a 3rd party in this race from day one and his name is Bernie.  There has never been a more opportune moment to shake up the two party system and all the negativity that it promotes.  Vote for somebody and forget about partisan politics for once.  The right to elect our leaders is a valuable one and should be made with an educated mind.

I've put it off long enough and the floor must be mopped to prepare for open house on the Lane.  Hopefully I'll make enough to buy a swimsuit and new tennis shoes.

Namaste ~.

forward motion

I'm creeping along, but still moving which goes to show you that determination trumps fatigue, for today anyhow.  I'm sitting under the central air away from outdoor pollen and listening to music on my itty bitty phone because that's how I roll.  Without buds, by the way.  But even there, the ads are everywhere.  I'm in a 2 year TV contract and never turn it on except for an occasional random search.  I definitely miss BG in that respect because she recorded all the good stuff.  I'm rummaging through piles and posted some old pics of high school friends many MANY moons ago.  We've all gone our separate ways over the past 40 plus years, but we never forget to walk on the wild side.

My mind has been opened on a number of levels over the past years.  I've learned a lot about how a grieving family stresses and breaks then comes back together without the others.  Sometimes sudden, often prolonged....death comes randomly according to lifestyle and heredity and choices made.  Sometimes it's just a "shit happens" kind of deal.  I truly believe that the good lord knows the time and circumstances so that's one less thing to worry about.  That being said, life is short so get with it Poops.  I'm dreaming again and seeing possibility where I never thought it would be in my life.  It is acceptance and letting go and it feels mighty good.  The clock is steady ticking.

The beach looks a little closer and I'm glad not to be there lately with the monsoons and such.  I would be sooooooo pissed if I didn't get at least one sunny day out of it.  I can play cards anywhere, ya know?  I was a lifeguard at the Moose Pool during  high school summers and that's what we did when the rains came and we had to kill time until the sun came out.  Spades and Hearts all the way baby.    We flipped burgers, made cokes and babysat for a bazillion kids whose parents dropped them off or settled in for some quality time with them.  I can tell it now because the statue is up but I was once impaired on the lifeguard stand.  The water was to die for gorgeous if you get my drift.  I never had to dive in and save anybody but I did pull a few out of the deep when somebody got stupid.

Grace ~

retail therapy

My habit has always been to eat crappy hospital food for lunch because I don't like the hassle of getting out. Lately I've discovered that it's a nice way to break up the day so as to prevent overload and freak out. Sometimes even that doesn't help, but at least it's some sort of break from reality.  I bought a dress today for the beach, a simple 12 buck rayon tie dye that caught my eye at the drug store.  There is still no swim suit but I'll get to that one shortly.  Hell I can always buy one when we get there.

The sale is on for three days this weekend at Casa Grands.  Sale Lady  didn't much want me to put it on Facebook because she's already BOUGHT advertising if you can believe that shit.  She obviously doesn't know how good of a marketing tool that FB really is.  Of course she's 80 and doesn't like anybody messing with her "production."  Whatever.   She also didn't want to deal with any of my stuff which brings me to having a one day only bargainananza up here on the hill this Saturday.  My youngest brother should be in the area so maybe we can dig through memories and have a cold one.

Is it just me or have things settled down a bit?   I'm not hearing much out of Trump or ISIS or that fat little fuck in NOK so there's that to be thankful for.  Shhhh...knock wood.  It's still cloudy and wet but the weather should turn soon in time for what we now call "the end."  A house mover will meet with corporate to ascertain chances for moving up the hill.  If not, they'll stay put and go to Plan B.  I like that about them, all with the preservation of history.  LERD...we got it!

Here's the thing to all you people who never stop talking enough to listen:  Everybody has a story and it's not all about you 24/7.  Unless dinner was outstanding, I don't need a play by play.  Ditto for church and every other thing because we're there to work.  Fellowship happens when we work together for the common good of the team.  One of the things I've learned in Anon is that you cannot make someone choose to be happy.  That's a personal decision.

Empathy is the ability to feel someone else's pain to the point that you put yours aside.  It's actually a very healing activity.  It is a gift from God or a gene...maybe both.  Mostly I think it comes from being heard and respected as a child and developing adult.  I had teachers all along the way who challenged me to be better like Mr. Bruce, Milam and Uncle Jim.  Rena Moss was my heroine and the gal who got me hooked on science.  Madame Gauldin taught me French which I never used so there you go.  Now it's Chinese which makes much more sense in the whole scheme of things.

I got organized on the job today and thank goodness nobody was bleeding to death or anything.  I have always been intrigued with the whole Dooce thing because how, really do they know you're talking about them?  Context perhaps.  Never any names because HIPPA doesn't allow.  No pictures but always ALWAYS with the stories of life and death.  I have given my best to an industry that is pretty competitive at this point.   Healthcare facilities are brokers for mega corporations and insurance is the middle man along with Big Pharm.   As a veteran healthcare provider I can tell you that a lot of free food comes out of their budgets when the drug reps visited.  Which was often.  Gotta' keep that formulary list up to date.

I actually got a bot comment because of yesterday's title.  Ain't life strange?

Brother Dave said......

tennessee waltz

Our state has been Republican for so long that I hardly remember the old days of Blanton and such.  Frank Clement?  Winfield Dunn. Phil Bredesen was my favorite.  Poor Haslam is trying to be a bit progressive but the old farts just won't get with his programs.  Or at least that's the excuse.  The history of our state is legendary from the Big Muddy to Gatlinburg and beyond.  The most beautiful road trip I ever took was from the Ocoee River across and up North Carolina back onto I-40.  I met a new co-worker who lives in that area and is moonlighting.  His daughter is doing her first tour as a rafting guide this summer.  The water that flows down the canyon is TVA controlled by a dam and water is released on schedule during the months that river people like to play.  I did it twice, and  it was the most fun I can say I ever had thus far in life.  Of course that could change at any moment.

I'm headed to see BG tomorrow with a few things she requested like her Daddy's ashes.  He's been riding in the Cadi since last fall and now that car is parked under the big ass pine tree not running.  It's time for him to go home and I see that her being where she is came from his determination to be her hero and his faith in working the steps.  It's a God thing, if you will.

Nashville is the home of country music and Memphis has Graceland.  Lake County Tennessee is home to one of the greatest wonders of the world aka Reelfoot Lake and fried fish.  My friends hold a collection of history that documents the passage of time in that little corner and it will go to the museum of history at the state park.

SO! Now it's Sunday and I've made a quick trip to visit Lauren at her new house.  It's a very controlled environment and should be.  Their model of addiction treatment is very successful and well led.  Pnoler's ashes are delivered to BG for sprinkling, when she's ready of course.  I have a feeling he'll be sitting by her bed for quite awhile.  I met lots of new people today and liked most of them.  In a sense, it was like church only without the hymns.  Does that make sense?  Annie called to share a story about her own granddaughter who is 14 hand writing a note to Lauren because she can't see to do it.  Our system rocks, dontcha' know?  So it rained for two days solid and today was only 20% only the heavens opened up right when I hit Campbell and I floated on out to 412.  Looks like round 2 is on the way toward the lane as we speak.

serenity ~