letting go

When I first began therapy for co-dependency the first book I read was The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.  I was born and raised to be obedient which was sort of tough for my rebel self but I was Janice and Billy's daughter so I tried to keep in line.  It wasn't until I started therapy that I realized how I had lost myself in the multiple roles I was filling such as mother, daughter, sister, healthcare worker and wife.  I literally did not know who Janie was except through the eyes of others.  

I was 32 when I began that grueling self exploration that lasted for two years.  A lot of people worked very hard to help me get my head out of my ass for a number of years.  Through all that I began to figure out my core beliefs and how to forgive.  Now I have all the time in the world to go back and remember how I got to where I am.  I'm pretty easy at letting "things" go these days because you can't take them with you.  There are a few favorite pieces that I will never part with but a whole lot more that I'm ready to purge.  At this point in life, it's time to travel light.  

What matters most to me is spending time with my daughter and granddaughter.  I am struggling financially and so are they which makes if like working a puzzle to get together.  So many have been so kind over the past few years in helping me out that I can't quantify my gratitude.  And these people?  They love me for who I am.  

This is making me kind of teary as I wonder how it will all work out.  This time last year I had no idea I would be retired and struggling.  That infamous surgery was the turning point and I did what I had to do to take care of myself.  The job was full of drama my last years there which I won't go into.  Let's just say I got thrown under the bus and have forgiven but not forgotten.

Sometimes, I wonder if I did the right thing.  But you know what?  If I die tomorrow, I will have had 7 months of freedom that many people never live to see.  All of the things that I took for granted when I was working are becoming real.  Like affordable insurance.  It wasn't the greatest but it was taken out of my check so I never missed it until I started looking at just how much of my income was going to taxes, SS and Medicare.  I made good money and it's absurd that so much of it went to the government for programs that are at risk of being cut by Trump et al.  

Am I having a pity party today?  Probably.  I've learned to ride the waves when they hit and come out fighting.  In the words of Mr. Yates and Daddy "This too shall pass."  

^j^