Friday, February 12, 2016

inner strength

Somewhere along the way I have failed a lot of people, my daughter included.  I spared the rod and tried to mold her into who I wanted her to be instead of who she really was.  Her attitude toward my control was one of stubborn refusal to be controlled, just like I was as a teenager.  She has tearily told me of all the times she wanted to just sit and talk and I'd be all manic and doing my own thing.  She and Mom were tight because they were together all the time when she was little and her heritage in the log cabin goes all the way back to birth just like me and the brothers.  She has disappointed me and I have done the same to her.  We never seem to be on the same page at the same time.  Such is life I suppose.

My panoramic view of Pecan Lane has been pretty sweet lately what with the orange, blue and pink hues.  The clouds are small and pretty reflecting the other colors just so.  I have Mom and Daddy's wedding picture on the desk along with his petunias in honor of their 62nd anniversary. Together again.  Babysister has her hands full with the Mister and we chatted today about the "extra help" on a trial basis over the weekend.  She is 82 and has been caring, along with her children, for an Alzheimer patient at home.  But she doesn't need any help!  Love you girl...and Annie too!

It has just kind of smacked me in the face that being naive is a passive aggressive way of playing the victim.  Wah.Wah.Wah.  YOU betrayed me.  *boofuckin'hoo* my feelings are hurt.  My ex always told me to expect nothing and that way you're not disappointed.  Sometimes, I know what he's talking about.  His ancestors were in-laws and steps and he found out at the age of 13 that his sister was really his birth mother.  How's that for a howdy do.  He was raised by his grandmother and her husband who died a  horrible death in our hospital.  At 55, from DTs with me running interference.  Yep.  Here's my sign and it's all about being co-dependent.  

One step at a time ~

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