Like most co-dependents I'm always there when somebody's down or needs help and expect to be treated equally when times are hard for me. Experience has taught me that not only will people turn on a dime and push you harder when you just don't have it in your soul to keep going, but they also expect you keep the big girl panties on 24/7 even when the world is caving in. I have a Willow Tree angel with two broken arms sitting here on the "altar" to remind me that even though brokenness happens, you can still keep your hands up in the air to receive goodness, preferably with open palms. There are a lot of things on my mind right now and there's probably not one single person that I know who can relate enough, or is willing, to help me through it. I recognize this passage as one that is guided by God and for the best yet it's still heavy on my heart.
I gave up long ago on putting up the brave front because that's the equivalent of emotional suicide. That I feel it, say it and try to move on is something that most people don't realize is a big part of my personality post therapy. And honestly? There are times that I wish I had never done the work and was oblivious to feelings both good and bad. Sometimes life is easier that way, ya know? Expect nothing and you're never disappointed. In some ways I think maybe it's the reality sinking in one more time that life is not fair and in this day and time it's tough to be anybody except the top 1% and lord knows I'm not alone. Loyalty means nothing. If I had things to do over I would have given less to my job and more to my family, especially my young daughter. Instead I chose to keep on trucking at the sawmill even when she was sick or needed me. I did it for a long time until it was expected and then there was much drama when I drew a line in the sand which wasn't too long ago. Once again, my bad for not claiming it before I turned into a stark raving idiot.
There are very few times that I miss having a partner because life is full of loving dogs and whatnot. About the loneliest feeling I know is wanting somebody to hold me while I cry and knowing that there's nobody there but me and the canine population plus the bitch cat who knocks everything off of whatever surface she's prowling on. I'm pretty sure Sammy D has heart worms yet I can't afford the treatment. Hell I can barely afford my own meds even with the 4 buck list at my pharmacy. Thank you big pharm! While you've been busy protecting your patents and schmoozing the doctor offices, we're slowing dying on the vine out here. Better living through chemistry my ass.
There are projects in my head on a mental to do list but right now I don't have the will to even think about them and how long I've put those things off. More shame and guilt, no? Mostly I just feel exhausted, both emotionally and physically. My shoulder still ain't back to normal but it's much much better, thank you sweet baby jeebus. I suppose you could call this one of my whinier posts because I focus really hard on not doing that and staying positive. Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes the bug. I guess I'm the bug at this point in time. Ya'll please don't get the toxic spray after...I promise this too shall pass.