the gift

I can't begin to describe the emotional roller coaster around here but I'm a gonna' try.  Mom and I had a candid talk yesterday about the duties of  the DPA and we talked about God and prayed over the whole decision.  After that and a call to the preacher a peace came over me that I can't describe.  That's when I followed Dr. A's advice and called in hospice.  As I was reading the handbook I noticed a section describing good-byes with a loved one and how often they hold on until everybody is on the same page.  Sometimes they see stuff and people that aren't there.  Dying is very hard work.

We transitioned into a family room that is specifically for that purpose and when I arrived I found him struggling to breathe and trying to talk after a treatment.  I told him how very much I love and respect him and asked him what he wanted.  He was blinking his eyes like crazy which is all he could do at that point.  We held hands and I cried buckets and so did my brothers when they arrived.  Once hospice took over, all the "treatments" like daily blood draws and IV meds stopped with the exception of pain medicine and O2.  Gone with the amino acids and whatnot.  Ditto for the IV and constant prodding and poking.  I noticed his right hand was swollen probably from that very thing.  The left one is the one I clutched as I said goodbye.  

That shift in dynamics gave me the freedom to let go of the outcome and hand things over to Big Ernie.  He's a real tough bird and not one to give up easily but he's so tired and worn out I can see that death would be a relief.  So many of us fear it, but a life well lived is a legacy that has the potential to change the world. Which, of course, is what's up.  My heart is so heavy with grief that sometimes I think it's breaking but it's probably just acid reflux from all the stress.  Omneprazole can only do so much.

Writing is the way that I deal with things and it's a release that has kept me from climbing the water tower on many occasions.  Many folks don't agree with me when I'm in liberal rant mode but I think even they respect where I'm coming from.  As I told my friend Lorna yesterday, we're circling the wagons which is what family is all about.  Sugardaddy did indeed show up and hugged me like...a long time.  Dude snuck into the room right in front of me and my deadass Samsung trying to communicate from the waiting area.  And then, when the surly housekeeper asked about Mama, I knew all was well.

^j^