Friday, August 14, 2015

in the dark

My house is ancient and pretty shaded except on the northwest side.  The ancient windows on pulley don't open so it's kind of like sitting in a box looking out over Pecan Lane.  The area out back that resembles a patio is what I did one stone and brick and transplant at a time in what was previously a patch of weeds with a big ass grill parked in it.  I remember sitting on the back steps dreaming about that vision, and it happened.  So many times we fail to visualize goals or see them as possible.  My left ear has been hurting forever so I paid a visit to my favorite Urgent Care today.  That's the Hometown one!  They are pouring concrete on her new place as I type.  I ran into an old friend and we chatted about our lives.  A guy came in who reacted to Tracy with thumbs up, the only movement he could manage.

After the medical visit I met some folks down at Casa Grands to kind of discuss plans.  Our friend is a lawyer who was adopted by them many years ago.  He's their favorite SS teacher probably due to a mixture of Lake County stories and church-of- Christ scriptural knowledge.  This would be the one who played the trombone during some pageant or another.  He represented me in divorce court not once but twice, and has been a trusted advocate ever since.  Not that there was any sort of contention, mind you.   Pnoler and I were really never meant to be until BG was born.  My indecisive behavior put our family through a lot of pain and stuff that could have been avoided.  Bottom line? I took the easy way out, or so I thought.  In reality, I was just searching for spiritual people to help me uncouple as an enabler.  That one  always comes back to bite.

I'm missing the coaching call but that's okay because I'm pretty useless to the team at this point.  One week out from Daddy's funeral my heart is still heavy, but getting lighter.  I think of him every day that I drive up the lane, especially when the shadows or mists are hanging low on the crop.  Surprise lilies are still everywhere and I'm expecting some autumn clematis blooms any day.  He and mama gave me that for a birthday and it's everywhere, including on propane guy's tank.  Who will get paid, thank you sweet baby jeebus.


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