Friday, January 28, 2011

the wolf is at the door and other not so new news

My checking account is overdrawn...again. We are without propane because I refuse to ask my guy for any more credit. And now, it's time for the cellphone people to start calling and asking for a payment arrangement. This, my friends, is my life in a nutshell. I'm either really faithful or incredibly stupid to keep on thinking that "someday" it will be better. I have never gotten an IRS refund that wasn't spent to pay back debt before I even got it. Such is the case for 2010. There is very little food here, but then that's nothing new either. Can't cook anyway...except in the microwave. I have put up a gallant, if not quite graceful fight to stay here on the hill as long as I possibly can. If things don't change soon, I give. Most of my friends will tell you that I'm loyal to a fault, but the stress of trying to make ends meet is about to get me down and I'm too young to just give up and let the world take care of me as inviting as that prospect is. This battle is not one that I've fought alone for there have been many people there along the way to help when I'm about to go to debtor's prison or need a beer. In between dealing with creditors and working and caring for parents and kids and trying to have a somewhat normal life, I take the opportunity, when I can, to sit and count my blessings.

I have a boss who understands me, warts and all, plus a whole bunch of co-workers who surround me when push comes to shove and somebody needs a prayer chain started. That is usually the way I pray...a shoutout to Big Ernie from wherever I'm at for whoever needs it. At work we talk about spirituality and how God moves in people's lives and it's almost like church up in that break room sometimes. All of this I count as a huge positive.

My parents, bless their hearts, try to remember what needs to be picked up so as to consolidate trips to the dollar/grocery/drug stores. At times I run short on patience with that, but then I think about how much I will miss them when they're gone and it goes away. Deep breaths come in very handy. So does having a support group that consists of my BG and my brother. Together with their friends and family and sweet little Ms Fay, we have managed to give them some valuable time in their home during their "golden" years. It is the only home I ever lived in as a child, and we were packed up in there like sardines. With one bathroom. Yikes!!

I refuse to give in to the temptation to blame others for my lot in life because I have free will as an American and child of Big E and I should probably have looked for the sugardaddy model a whole lot earlier in life :) Yeah, I'd still be old and faithful, but the bills would get paid. My brother's anthem to me this past year has been about finding a second job so that I can make do. My company allows no overtime so it's hard to get ahead that way, even though it's a wise use of resources on their part. MY BF works more hours than he wants for his age, and manages his money wisely. I'm thinking that could probably be a whole lot LIKE sugardaddy with a side of goofy fun when he pops his false teeth out. Freaks.Me.Out.We share a lot of things, like being old hippies and having elderly parents and kids still in transition. His wicked sense of humor keeps me snickering and snortin' even when things look dark. Probably especially so, then. We like to explore and take pictures together and drink beer and chill. We both watch very little TV except for a dab of news and comedy or history. If I had sat down and made out a list, I couldn't have come up with a better match. Dude has made a believer out of Sammy D too.

As I was coming up the lane this morning I spotted several deer crossing from the dairy barn to the thicket by the golf course. That's their usual path and they hardly ever have to worry about traffic because if somebody comes back here, they're looking for one of us or the neighbors. Dead end road. The riverbed runs behind the neighbor's house all the way to the other end of the farm where it is fed by the Forked Deer. We are our own little ecosystem here, and that is very peaceful. My friend the canoe guy has brought some attention to the place lately and there is a lot of activity down by the farmer's market and the old water treatment plant, much to my delight. Dirt work has begun for the trails that will wander down to the river as it passes under the "new" 51 bridge where generations of homeless people slept off their booze.

The sun is out and it's warmer than it's been in forever so it's time to walk the yard and see what's up, if anything. Faithful? You bet your smart ass.



  1. Faith is belivin' in what you can't see, even when the facts seem to point otherwise.
    Can't always believe things as they seem, 'cause rewards often lie where they can't be seen by the nikkid eye.

  2. It's like reading about my life lately. Well not quite, but making ends meet part for shore.

    I agree with Drew about the Faith stuff. Without it, we've got very little left to float the boat. Sending hugs and prayers.