Thursday, January 6, 2011

back to basics epiphany

Anyone who has ever worked the steps, for whatever reason, knows that making amends is way on up the list of things-to-do with an issue.  Many people look at that as one of the hardest steps because you actually have to say "i screwed it up"  and come up with a well intentioned way to make things right.  It doesn't always mean that the hurt will be fixed or the money will be repaid, but is instead a way to move on from the burden of carrying that shame around.  I remember distinctly reading back in the day about how co-dependency is something that permeates every pore of every person's life in some way or another.  That was when I was working very hard on recovery.

Over the years, things have spun out of control a gazillion times and I have not been faithful with working those steps like I once did.  Many people think that once you make it through the twelve, it's over and you're cured.  NOT!!!  They are a tool to be kept in your pocket and referred to daily, sometimes on multiple issues at a time.  It's the only way to not go crazy, for me.  Which is exactly what I've been doing this past couple of years.  There was a point where I just threw my hands up and said "Okay, Big Ernie....I give."  Trying to be caretaker to elderly parents, work full time, help a struggling adult child, ad infinitum, I simply didn't have any more answers, which is unusual for me.  For those not familiar with the lingo, that is steps one and two.

I have whined and cried and made excuses for being where I am financially, all the while knowing that I am broke because I am still "making amends" to people who have given me a chance in the past.  These are the ones to whom I feel an intense loyalty and a solid desire to repay.  That does not include the evil DirecTV, by the way :)  Attorneys general for all fifty states can't be wrong about a company.  The list is endless of who I owe, going all the way back to my friend's loan for a divorce eight years ago.  Her mama would be proud of that little gift, in spite of all the hard times that it caused.

Today is gorgeous, not too much wind and not too cold.  I stopped by the feed store and got some sunflower for the birdies while mama sat in the car with her newly coiffed head peeking over the dash.  Daddy's  OCD symptoms have progressed to the state where he sees every offer she makes to take cookies home or something turns into a battle of the wills.  I left some there in the tupperware box while he counted down the minutes on his phone until news time.  Seroquel can only do so much.

Ya'll have an epiphany of your own.  The wise guys would love it!



  1. Some people, they just is borned to be fishers of men...