making amends

Mom is still in the hospital getting antibiotics through her brand new PIC line and resting on morphine. My aunt and cousin came by to see her with flowers but she was all draped out and sterile getting the line while I watched with my mask and cap on. Physical therapy came by and left a walker and a lesson on proper use. Dietary made an appearance as well and I truly felt like part of the team and marveled at the way we all work together. Mama remarked yesterday that I must be paying her back from all those trips to UT Memphis to talk me out of quitting healthcare 3 months shy of a degree. I wouldn't have it any other way, but I can't deal with the physical demands much longer what with constant drama on the home front. Anywho...that's where we're at and looking at a skilled care stay at the end of the week.

Most anybody who knows me and the little black cloud theory understands that when shit happens, I tend to sigh and say it is what it is. The BG and I have become more of a team as well, putting out fires and scurrying to the loan shark or employer for enough to cover the light bill. Her car was shaking so bad from a busted tire that we had to make a pit stop in between hospital and work to get her a new used one. That was quite the experience in itself. These guys knocked out that job, with a balance in fifteen minutes flat for forty bucks and she even got to work on time. It's been a tough day all around for both of us, and sometimes I don't think anybody but the two of us will understand how we came to where we are now. It's a long story.

I continue to be amazed at how friends come and go in your life, working out their own issues as you wrestle with your own. Some are always there. Others drift away but come back around when times are hard. Those are the real ones and I don't have many. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted from five years of trying to keep my parents at home while I live in a house that is more than I can afford just to be a mile away. If I hadn't worked all weekend, I probably couldn't even tell you what day it is. Mama sure can't.

This is not a pity party by any means. Experience has taught me that thoughts and feelings not expressed will kill you from the inside out and that is precisely what I do when I come here. Usually it's upbeat and historical. Right now? That's not an option. Those of you who are believers in prayer or karma or whatever your meditation may be, please send some my way.

^j^