I'm still prone to cry at least once or twice a day thinking about something that Faith did that I miss, like poking her head in between my arm and body to get a head rub and be called "pretty girl." She could actually talk and I'm not lying...BG could get her to talking just like a pro by changing the pitch and tone of her own voice while asking questions. "Do you love me? I love Youuuuuu". Our friend taught her as a puppy to sit, stay, shake and love. Having done the grief work for eight zillion losses helps when it comes down to stark reality.
Tomorrow is officially December and I'm thinking that maybe by New Year's Eve I'll have the house picked up enough for a tree. That used to be a big thing, and now it's just another detail that could pass without much notice. When I say that I've hit the wall, don't doubt it for a minute. My primal screams of two nights ago were pure anguish and very cathartic. I have had it with corporate America and everything that it stands for which is a big reason that I'm just hunkering down and trying to concentrate on self care. Somehow in all the weeks and months of pill counting and crisis responding, I've lost myself and the art of taking care of ME. They don't mean to be demanding, it's just that an eighty year old couple living alone is kind of a dangerous situation at the very least, and a huge responsibility. And no, I won't be sleeping on their couch because Daddy won't allow it and I know better.
I was telling my friends at work today about blog fairy and how her last flight allowed me to put gas in the car and eat for a week. They were dumbfounded, not knowing the history of how BF showed up on Christmas eve of last year and changed my life forever. Somebody loves me, this I know for sure. Well, probably a lot of somebodies :)
Ya'll keep the faith ^j^
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