Wednesday, February 16, 2011

life after near death

Okay, so I'm putting a dramatic flourish on the whole thing, but by golly I can. Though nowhere NEAR death, there were a couple of times that I would have asked you to just shoot me and get it over with. To hell with a bunch of suffering. I have developed a theory during my years in healthcare about the human spirit and the will to live. Most patients, no matter how miserable they are here on earth, will struggle through the dying process reliving moments and visiting times long gone. My uncle was only 54 years old when he died from prostate cancer, and he made platelets for two days solid with his hands...fighting to stay alive in spite of the pain. Death is very hard work, not only for the patient but for families and caregivers. To deny that it is happening is, while normal, not the healthiest thing in the world. Then again, it takes time to fully absorb a deep truth like that. Chronic illness gives one the luxury of tying up loose ends and mending relationships if everyone is on board. Sudden death is just the opposite. With one the grief process is already in place before death actually happens. With the other? Expect to go through it after the fact.

For me personally, therapy was a way to say goodbye to all of the unresolved grief in my past ranging from grandmas and favorite uncles to life changes like lost love and missed opportunities. It gave me plenty of chances to see that event "A" which I always thought just was, is usually related to response "B" which comes out of nowhere like a blindside hit. My ex told me repeatedly that I think too much, which is probably true because that's how I'm made. I remember reading Psychology Today as a college student and thinking that there was a theory of behavior to explain just about everything which seemed pretty cool. Not that it's a good or bad thing, just something that fits the dynamics of a particular situation. Science majors tend to be that way sometimes ;)

It's more than a tease now, ya'll. There are yellow and white crocus and buttercup buds peeping out and the heat is O.F.F. Okay Mr. Groundhog, I take back all of the nasty things I said about you two weeks ago. The snow wasn't bad, and this weather is worth shivering through it for. Film at 11.

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