leap of faith

Ever since Daddy died I wake up between 3 and 5 AM as if it were still that morning and his passage in progress.  I didn't get the call until about five and the pronouncement was around seven but you get the picture.  I will never forget driving to the hospital that morning, passing  the deer who were waiting to greet me along the lane.   The power of animal totems became quite clear to me on that day.  Since I was already up before daylight, Oscar and I made a trip to the chicken store today and en route, I noticed a little grasshopper on the inside of the windshield, right in my field of view.  He hopped into my life to represent a leap of faith, so to speak.  Major change is on my horizon not just because it's time but because the Universe demands it.   I have long since ceased to try and figure it all out because that's an exercise in futility.  All I know is when opportunity knocks, I'm ready to jump.

It's beautiful here on this hill at sunrise where it appears over the Thompson place first and rises high above the runways and golfers.  I get chills watching the light move through the gaps in that ancient barn, casting shadows that  hide a hundred years worth of memories.  My friends arrived safely at their destination, drama notwithstanding.  I have lots of 'chit to do but probably won't accomplish much today because I'm feeling lazy.  Maybe that half a prednisone will kick in and I can get some cleaning in the works!  Or not.  We shall see.

My favorite birthday post was from none other than Baby Jet, one of Ryder's puppies that got adopted locally.   Chosen as a companion for a dog with social issues, this beauty has grown and prospered in a new home.  It seems like years since we crawled under the barn to count how many babies there were.  Ten, by the way.  Lotso' puppies.  After that came the warm weather and snakes and then people started dying and...Lord have mercy.  I'm not even sure what day it is.  Oh yeah...Saturday and I'm off.

I ramble more now and rant less.  This comes with a slowing down in every little thing to the point that says "I'm past all that."   Never one to really dwell on details, I've become one who lives in a stream of consciousness kind of way rather than reacting quickly.  The flip side of that is the tendency for it to become high level procrastination, which I'm working to get away from.  If you touch it more than once, pitch it.

The worst of this year's heat is over and I'm glad but kind of misty.  As long as  it was hot, it was still the summer that was my father's last.  He loved the summertime, but also the fall when the harvest became a symbol of his hard work during that growing season.   I miss him in a way that's hard to describe for we were never really what you would call "close."  It took me 40 years to become who I was with him and even longer to understand that he really loved me.  He was proud of who I have become even when I seemed to be the enemy in his tight little world.  Part of Mama died with him, but she's soldiering on with a lot of help from a very special crew at the home and a tight little circle of family.  All I really ever wanted was for them to be in a safe place where people could care for them properly.  We just took the long way around.

Faith~