means to an end

Increasingly I find myself dragging from task to task, tired of winter and people and every damn thing. Part of my life that once brought me great satisfaction has turned into a pissing contest that I will never win because I will never be good enough. That my best has been consistent and above and beyond doesn't matter at this point...just that I set the bar too high for myself many moons ago. Once you deliver, it's expected. I've been struggling with a chronic infection for over a year and stopped by to see my PA friend at the derm doctor's office. All three of us worked together at some time or another and the friendship is based on mutual understanding of who we are. For him it's kind and vain. The pool pump blew up one time and burned off his precious hair implants so he had to have a re-do. There is a silver Mercedes convertible in the parking lot which is his ride. In big fish little fish fashion, he sold the urgent care piece to the company who now employs my FNP with NO appointments and there's a no compete for him so there ya' go. Healthcare providerless again! I made an appointment with Kimmy and slunk out the door towards home. Sometimes....it's just not worth it to jump through the hoops.

I missed my follow up pap smear which is something I haven't failed on in about five years because of ASCUS. Ditto for the mammogram and wellness visit. At this point I'm looking at maximizing the scope of ANY visit to a diagnostician so as to "bundle" co-pays, as they say in the business. Bundling is something that labs do too, but only in Medicare approved panels. As they go, so goes big insurance. Keep in mind that the decisions about funding things like preventive health and treatments is made by politicians who do not have our best interests at heart. At.All. They will smooth sell every one of us out to Israel or Russia if it keeps their boat floating. Keep the faith Snowden.

My phone provider has decided that my password is not correct so if anybody has left a message, I'll get it someday. I rarely check it as my mother can attest. She still leaves message that I get six weeks later! There's no ice storm and I can hear the peepers up here on the hill now so maybe spring will get on with it. I'm about ready for some fresh asparagus to go with the cauliflower we roast in olive oil. Slowly but surely we are eating healthier and with better purpose and it shows even though we're both SADDed out.

This too shall pass.