on being strong

I learned to be co-dependent at an early age as most people do.  I was a child of a prominent family in our community and the rebel of the litter.  I want to "fix" things and make them right.  It took two years of therapy for me to separate from that identity yet I still have spells where I lapse into ruler of the world.  I give a lot and expect nothing in return.  

As a result of that, I find myself with very little emotional support as a result.  I have tons of friends with their own issues who don't necessarily have it in them to lift me up.  That can be a really lonely feeling.  When it's time for a breakdown, there's nobody there to listen.  Which is why I'm headed back to therapy.

The changes in my life during the past year have been major with becoming a grandmother and a retiree.  I'm often lost in space and trying to figure out who I am now.  Not.a.clue.  I know who I am politically and morally.  Nothing will change my mind on the concept of diversity and the value of peace and meeting in the middle yet I feel powerless to make a difference.  There's too much bullshit involved with our ability to make good things happen.

This is not a pity party by any means.  Just a small meltdown.  I will keep the faith and never stop believing that God is good.  All the time ^j^