it's okay to be little bitty

For some reason I feel really really small and insignificant today like maybe the world would continue right on without me never even knowing that I had existed. I get like this now and again when things seem hopeless and life is nothing but work and drudgery. Most times I cry, not like bawling or anything but a long teary conversation with myself while listening to The Water is Wide, for instance. It's where I let down my guard, face the pain and embrace it instead of walking around it and falling in the same hole. It hurts like hell, but in my experience it's the only way to get happy. One of the first things I noticed about taking an SRUI is that I didn't cry very often..like NEVER at first. It was such a relief to get out from under that burden of sadness that I like it a lot...for once I felt normal and not like a boat being tossed around by the waves of life. The not crying thing passed within the first year so that now when I end up in tears it's for a legitimate reason that can be stated, named and said goodbye to. This past year has been incredibly painful for me losing not only my parents, in a sense, but my beloved Faith and bestie cousin Deb within a few months.

The money situation is not as bad as it was but still far from anything approaching even. BG's last job at a hotel which she loved turned into a "sorry but we can't afford you on the payroll" deal after just three weeks. Soooooo..there went the other income. Her car is now in better shape than mine following an almost complete overhaul since we got it back from the evil one. I still have no front passenger window or driver's side door handle. You should see the looks I get crawling up from the back seat when it's too wet to finagle the thing. The duct tape on the window film is flapping again so it's time for some damage control there. The car is 12 years old with less than 100K miles and a great motor so I'm gonna try to keep her going. The muffler needs some work (thanks to the potholes in my driveway) to quiet it down a bit. I'm surprised I haven't been ticketed on a noise ordinance AND that tacky window cover. I wonder if they took me to jail what they'd do with whatever dog was riding shotgun. Heh.

Ryder is in heat again which is how we ended up with cute but totally a pain in the ass puppies. Twice in a year ya'll. I'm talking this will NEVER happen in my house again. Take it outside kids. My last kinda sorta boyfriend wasn't a real big dog fan so he just worked around them because the food was good and whatnot. Dude played golf every single day that there wasn't a death in the family or thunderstorm come hell or high water. Little guy syndrome describes him best. Short of stature and lacking in the self esteem department Little Guy struts around like a banty rooster to make up for his shortness. DO NOT go there girls. One of my other "little guys" taught me how to love my daddy who is also a little feller. I will never forget when I first realized that in order to be true friends with a man you must also know his girlfriend or wife and not be a problem in that area. It's win-win you know...you get to spend time with your beloved friend and you and wifey can yuk it up at his expense! See..I know what I'm talking about. I chatted my cousin Janice last night and Mark is hanging in with hospice expecting a visit from his sister. A last journey with him, so to speak. If I had a car that was decent, I'd hightail it up there myself but alas. What would the grands do?????

As if on cue, Carol King starts singing "You make me feel like a natural woman". That's the spirit Big Ernie! Keep 'em coming 'round Pecan Lane. Lord knows we could all use some miracles like losing the crazy bunch down the road. I don't care who you are, that ain't right. Neither is the fact that my parents are one fracture or virus away from death and refuse more help. Mama just puts those ear thingies in and listens to a good book while he does his TV thing. I read in my brother's mag yesterday about the outside bathtub and I was intrigued. Why not??? We might as well learn how to survive because it doesn't look like world peace is scheduled any time this calendar year. With talk of '16 already starting, I find myself gagging on all of it..the lies and deceit and downright mean shit that comes from elected officials who think that their god is right. See: Rand Paul...hey, he ain't his daddy. Anybody who has kept Kentucky in the poverty stricken state it is should be tied up and subjected to cousin kissing and tobacco barn pig rape. I see Virginia slowly turning..not blue or red but wild card style. My personal experience in an industrial southern 'burg with lots of churches is that they'll raise nine kinds of hell to keep out progress that could generate revenue just because they don't like beer. Okay then..you don't have to drink it. Ya'll keep on and you'll be living in the church building while the young people run for their lives.

We have never really embraced art here and that's one experience with KY cousin and her parents that I'll never forget. Downtown Newbern was turned from a ratty ass court square to a showpiece for people in that town. Jim's stained glass shop was next to the hardware store where Mr. Tom worked and I took lessons there from Deb when she was learning and teaching. I still have the two pieces that I made and several from her. My favorite has a crystal in the center that was Jimbo's. Unbroken circle ya'll.

Peace.Love.Grace.Hope.