code orange

I left the sawmill early to try and hawk offer a few more items for sale to anyone interested. When I told my mama about it she said "Aren't you scared they'll come and steal your stuff?" Bless her little heart, she thinks it's all worth gold when really it's memories with baggage that is passed from generation to generation, each one choosing what to keep and what to pitch. That is how personal history is made. My current office space is shared with my grandma's dining room table covered with frames, and some random things like vintage strawberry crate carriers. One summer my brother and I ventured into the strawberry biz and made quite a bit for such little kids. All we had to do was watch the stand and take up money. Everybody picked their own then. Then we would chop 'em up with sugar and serve over ice cream. My great granny Ethel had that treat often!

I can honestly say now that Snowden is NOT in the basement because I've opened that scary black corner up to retrieve a tiller. Whenever I go into a pit like that I immediately start praying to big E not to let there be a snake there. My heart can't take it. The grands made it without us today and got ferried by their friend Tony who loves them to pieces. When I stopped by MMike's today there was this lady with all her church finery on purchasing a 40 right after noon and I immediately caught myself thinking "what's the difference?" Church is not that building but in the world. Places of worship and faith families are nice to have but they don't always happen with those of a particular set of beliefs or congregation. Just sayin. I remember one time the UMC church bus went dead right in front of the kudzu bar and they all sat there laughing at the absurdity of it.

It was at that bar that I realized the magnitude of what was to come years following that horrible act of terrorism. In that day, we lost our innocence and the belief that our country is the strongest and can't be messed with. Which is exactly what they wanted. Then the government proceeded to start wars that were not only unnecessary both in dollars and lives but purely to protect the precious oil that we've all become tethered to. It's the kind of place that hosts daily afternoon crowds and on that day, we came about 5 and waited until dark to light our candles. They glowed on the bar the rest of the evening. Shortly after that I shared my story about that chapter with Miss Anita and her mama and they both loved it 'cuz they had parts ;)

One more before a three day off spell. And keeping the faith^j^

my dearest paula~

I've been mulling over what it must be like to go all the way to the rags that you came from and it seemed to be that hers is a story of good fortune that was killed deader than a doornail by the media and corporate America. Personally, I've said the word very times in my life, and never as in like "colored is not as good as white." My formative years were spent in tandem with African American farmers who shared their lives with us. The history of this farm is rich with stories about the different families who have endured here for generations in the small community that is my home. There were schools back in the day and all of it was surrounded by the mighty Forked Deer. When my brother and I were researching we picked up quite a few clues about the land deeds over the years.

Anyway, back to poor Paula. Only Big Ernie knows what's in her heart and if she said the N word in a bad way shame on her. She has built an empire with her spirit and it would be a shamed for it to crumble now that she's more conscious of healthy eating habits. You can have some butter, just not all the time. The atmosphere here has changed more and more lately because of mass hysteria over every little thing. The future of our great country depends on a few politicians getting their fingers out of their butts and talking to each other about "their" people. The herd mentality is especially relevant as a hallmark of evil. If you ask me, and nobody didn't, we have been in code orange since 9/11 and it has backfired into an entire arsenal of secret weapons of which nobody knows who is in charge. No accountability. No transparency. That, my peeps, is why the civil disobedience that we are seeing more and more of is something we must foster in a peaceful way. If the cops don't have to track us down and make some money for their people, maybe they can do something more productive like crowd control. Heh..they say you want a revolution!

I made several bucks yesterday on antiques with more to come in the next week. I am determined not to let this stuff sit here and rot and have to walk around it endlessly. Right now there are two cedar chests and two twin beds waiting for pickup, all antique. There comes a time in life when you realize you can't take it with you so it's time to thin things out a bit.

^j^

pecan lane pickers

Due to extreme brokeness an entire week away from when the eagle shits flies I am currently selling what isn't nailed down including quite a few antiques.It's all part of the downsizing that began umm..some years ago. The house still looks like an indoor flea market which it is I suppose. I'm selling the bigger pieces online and keeping the rest for a yard sale in the fall. Even in the hole, my body couldn't stand sitting in this heat for hours hawking t-shirts. I'm pack rat from way back when and as each family event happened I've picked up a piece or two of good quality furniture intending to "refurb" which never happened because I'm lazy like that. At this point it's what do I really want to pass onto BG? She tried to get me to come off of the buffet that I got from mama but no ma'am. Not happening. certain pieces are the holy grail and will be hers someday. As for now, we need groceries.

My assignment today was to meet up with mom and her g'friends for a group picture before they go to lunch. There was more traffic up in that house than there's been in YEARS and they all gave me big hugs at the door. Meanwhile daddy was sitting in his recliner while the blessed Ms. Faye fried chicken livers for him and (of course) waiting for the 12 o'clock news. Priorities and all that. The girls are having lunch at a quaint downtown eatery and returning to the lob cabin for surprise ice cream birthday cake for Marian. 80?? And she drove here from Memphis!! Ms. Jeanne had to have help up the step and declined to sit down because she can't get back up. These are the women with whom my mother spent her childhood and it tickles me to death to be a part of that history.

A big storm came through and doused the wheat that didn't get cut yesterday so it'll be a few more days 'til they can re-group. The dairy barn doors have been repaired and there will be pictures forthcoming. It looks so much better with just that little touch. There was a pair of pure brass fireplace log holders that laid in the driveway just waiting for my youngest brother to take 'em back to VA because we have no fireplace...or propane. I miss cooking more than I miss the warmth so I reckon I'll have to get an electric stove and pay TVA higher ups a little more $$. Wouldn't want them to miss a bonus, you know.

Over and out. Got stuff to sling!!!!

^j^

let it be

Well well..the plot thickens. Just as everyone expected Rick Perry got his ass whipped by a girl and it pissed him off enough to knock her down once and for all. Funny thing, though. He can't do anything about those "anarchists" in the gallery screaming and generally causing civil unrest in the famous building. And they will be there dude, in numbers. And next year is an election year in which you and your ilk (McConnell and Paul for example) will be trying to defend the willful evil ways of your party against society as I have known it. Shame on all ya'll. Your mama's would not be proud of your money grubbing mean ways.

In other recent news Snowden is still NOT in my basement unless he's hidden in the corner behind the door which could happen I suppose. I'm hauling shit valuable stuff out of the basement and I'm telling you this old gal is not what she used to be. I just about lost my balance with the brass bed and that would've been a big splat on the concrete. I'm leaving the doors open so the humidity can air out and cut down on the visible MOLD up on the AC ducts. Ewwww. It's hot and now they're cutting wheat and starting scary as shit fires to try to get those wheat beans planted.

I ran across this little grow lab thing we had down there trying to germinate flower seeds and had to giggle at the stupidity of who we were spending time with then. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then and I'm happy to say that in spite of our financial woes we are happy because we've learned to "act as if." How would I feel if I didn't have that particular thing to worry about? I'd probably worry about something else because it's in my genes. That's why it's taken so long for me to learn to chill out.

I sold a piece immediately yesterday on a local resale site and was happy to see it go to an appreciative owner. There's a lot of history up in that thing. Same for the brass bed and vintage windows. The rest of it is mostly scraps and work tables with chalk graffiti on the walls from BG's teenage days. Home sweet home.I'm off the clock and loving it.

Faith ^j^

when push comes to shove

I've gotta admit it ya'll, the events of the past 24 hours have surely given me a reason to believe in miracles what with dead DOMA and that big filibuster party up in the TX capitol building in spite of the fact that I'm in the hole which is beginning to be a way of life for many folks. If I had just 1/10 of what was spent to defend DOMA I'd be set for life and that's absurd. Remember separation of church/religious beliefs and state? Look in the constitution of the USA, for a start.

Here's the thing. Back when I was growing up being a Republican was an honorable and politically acceptable thing to claim. Howard Baker, Goldwater et al. Somewhere along the road from there to here, the democratic party managed to put a Tennessee governor or two in office and Phil Bredesen's TNCare model was a workable answer to the health care exchange concept until all the robber barons like John Ford's(D) family managed to dismember the piece limb by limb on an opportunistic binge that paid for lots of tropical vacays and payoffs to big pharm. It was a perfect program for the uninsured that got torn apart by abusers in the medical field so that now the ones who really need it can't qualify. True story from a healthcare pro who has seen it all. That was about the time that the feds started reimbursing hospitals by DRG which was a freakin' nightmare. Big insurance followed right behind them and there you go. Big old mess. Dems do it too when they listen to the devil whisper "greed".

As for "entitlements" I think that the word is used too loosely to describe such pre-paid monies as SS and Medicare. We earned that by working all our lives all the while paying the medical bills of those who didn't or couldn't. I'm cool with that as long as it doesn't consume my budget, but it has begun to. A full 1/4 of my gross wage goes to the feds and for a lifetime loan that I can't seem to ever get out from under in spite of valiant effort and good intentions. I've been in a situation lately where I've been able to observe the best and worst of those who depend on government aid and accountability seems to be the key. So many times substance abuse is involved and that's a no win situation, especially when mental health issues are also on the table. During the 80s hospitals got paid really well to do two week in patient rehab programs and they popped up everywhere. Then the rules changed and these people were out on the street rather than getting the help that they needed. The same thing happens now with methadone clinics. Nobody ever addresses the root cause.

Anywho, onto other more happy subjects like that fact that for 31 bucks we wormed two dogs and the vet had his fifth child. Oh, and the grands visited the dentist today. I'm sure he wasn't real happy to see daddy coming, if you know what I mean. Hey..it's what friends do.

^j^

for this i went to college?

One of the items up in the news of my home state, the "volunteer" one is that the governor (who shall remain nameless to confuse the NSA) has cut teacher's starting salaries to 30K when nine tenths of them graduate from the great and almighty University of Tennessee, former home to million dollar coaches like Pat Summitt and Phil Fulmer. The price of a secondary education in even a state university is not in the budget of most parents so the kids have to borrow to get that degree. Now, mind you this was just about the time of the bank failures when she called me howling and said her loan money wasn't there and she couldn't start social work school. I should have seen it as an omen. My own education was paid for partially by myself with help from parents. I've given BG a soft place to land but she found the determination to get that degree on her own dime. And still, she has no job.

I felt a tinge of recognition as I read a piece today about my generation, the boomers, and how we just got cheated all the way around by Wall street. It's only just now that the bailouts and attempts to jumpstart the American economy are being taken seriously while our leaders bang on their chests and play Big Ike. I will respect you if you earn it POTUS, and so far you're not doing too well. It has taken until now to even begin to think about the terms in cost of dollars and human lives that the Halliburton fiasco caused. It wasn't until Obama was elected that people like me had a voice to shut down the whole industry. I won't guarantee that I have one still, but it will be heard and I will not go down without giving my all for myself and others. And also, if you served in either of those conflicts or know someone who did, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. And to Rick Perry, I secede your state from the union. God speed and press 1 for Spanish!

In a very ironic and angelly kind of way I just got the news that my sisters' sister has died and they're making funeral arrangements. Gigi and Lisa have become my pool buddies over the years and we've shared a whole helluva lot of drama all of which has not been fun. Their parents had died several years before when we met back up and it's like a little commune. Smoky was the neighborhood dog that came from their parents and died last year right before Faith. Precious is a camera bug like me and he has saved my life on occasion. God bless his little heart, he still hoofs it around the car dealership. He and my cousin Kenny left one together one time and started their own little place on the by-pass with a swing on the porch that they sat on and drank beer. Quaint, but didn't last long. The swing is in their yard to this day.

I don't like to bitch and moan but it's hot and hot and hot and it's hot. And I have no sugardaddy even though I've asked and asked and pleaded with Big Ernie. As it turns out my future will be decided without my direction and evidently it doesn't involve large sums of money so I might as well be a happy lower middle class person and leave it at that. I never have heard if Cusack has a GF or not because he seems to know the value of keeping his mouth shut. That reminds me of Mahala's obsession with Craig Ferguson. She went to VEGAS to see him! That's my kinda woman right there.

I find myself more and more turning inward for comfort and solace because it's quieter in there than in the hustle bustle of daily life in a corporate world. I'm good at my job and an asset in a generation of aging professionals. So are most of my co-workers. We stick together through half of our lives because we have to in order to make a living, but there's a bond there that doesn't go away after that many years together. I will forevermore remember every pathologist that I've ever respected or loved fondly except for maybe one or two and they were just arrogant assholes. And I promise to bring breakfast sometime soon!

My favorite boss of all time is a guy that I've blogged about before and whose wife is also in healthcare. As a nurse, he understands the clinical side of healthcare administration like new grad MBAs cannot. A large and stately man he was kind and gentle with the generation that he led and put up with a lot of political BS. When my mother was hallucinating and speaking in tongues, she started ranting about the church and how they sold us out. She really DID listen!

Gotta' go check the basement and see if Snowden is down there with Mr. Snake...let us pray^j^

if you can't stand the heat....

...definitely don't make your home in the southeastern region of the US. Listen up ya'll, we don't just sweat we SWELTER down here and none too graciously on my part. The worst part of all is when you have to get in a hot car and run errands on the way home from work never quite cooling off until you walk through the beloved door and suck in the AC. My hair stays wet from this point in summer until Thanksgiving. Grrrrr.

Everybody's all up in the air because Paula Deen got fired from the food network for saying the "n" word once or twice in her life and I think that's about as ridiculous as playing cat and mouse with Snowden and it's because The MSM is being circle jerked by politicians. The American people have a right to know what is being done in the name of our homeland security especially when it compromises our personal privacy. That's not espionage...it's whistle blowing and that's something that most every company will tell you is part of their code of conduct. It is expressly against the law for anyone to retaliate against someone who reports misuse of information in the workplace. As for Chuck Schumer he needs to go on and retire and let the people decide this man's fate. I guarantee you if they listened to us, it would already be over. The NSA got caught with their pants down on various invasion of privacy issues and the best way to come out looking somewhat credible is to admit the deed and move on. Ditto with Manning and Assange and the others. We have huge problems without picking a fight with Putin at this point in time.

I talked to WA cuz yesterday evening and that made me feel better just hearing her little voice with the smartass hippie tone that I've grown to love. While picking through my stuff yesterday I ran across Ky cousin's recipe for Tomato Basil Jelly which I shall post as a note because it is to die for. When I first heard about it, I was all like "ewwwww" but it's an excellent spread for any toasted bread or topping for a meat dish. With a loaf of homemade bread, it's an excellent gift.

No news on the mom and daddy front except for new adventures in video. They're listening to Garrison Keillor on their new DVD player just like back in the day when they actually took the time to sit and enjoy. They've come full circle in that respect and I credit my mother for knowing that if they are to remain at home they'll have to work something out because GEEEZ giveagirlabreak. I love them both dearly, but they're double trouble what with their stubborn ways. Ya'll know that I would never in a million years do that to BG *snicker*.

Stay cool ^j^

never kick a girl when she's (been) down

Today is, of course, eggs and doughnuts day and we tried to go somewhere different just for the fun of it and I'll be darned if they weren't closed. Sooo..here we go back to where we started. My mother the smart one has decided that the way to keep daddy from rushing her out is to sit on the outside in a booth so he can't move until she gets done. He sat there and glared for five full minutes at the omlette she was daintily eating. I had to get up to keep from laughing out loud. About that time I got a frantic call from BG telling me she "almost went to jail" for pitching a hissy fit up in a convenience store because the owner was rude to her and refused to let her make a purchase with change. Seeing as how her former employer across the intersection is kicking ass on that side of town, that wasn't a very smart move. Strung out from stress and recovering from an infection, old girl snapped and cleaned all the slim jims off the counter on the way out with him calling her the B word. Effing dick. She doesn't get mad often, but when she does she cries just like me! All of Mike's friends have decided we're gonna complain to the BBB on that guy's arrogant ass. I mean it's not like he has anybody up in there but people from 'hood and pawn shop. So, mr arrogant arab, please remember that here in West Tennessee we southern girls deserve to be treated with respect and whatnot. Otherwise, your ratings will decline even further. I've had the door dropped in my face by one too many of you arrogant pricks. Go to Allah and don't let the door whack you on the butt.

On a lighter note, Snowden is plotting his asylum while the entire political machine gets their panties in a knot and the MSM goes on a rampage. My favorite pic is of one where O and Janet are quoting about how if you know something you should tell it. There there's his picture with the simple word "did." I've never really been a huge conspiracy theorist I just think that it's out of our hands so we might as well play along and enjoy the ride. You know? Big Ernie is running the show, not me or you or the freakin' Westboro baptists. I've been studying my budget pertaining to beer and have decided that it's entirely too expensive for the buzz. Other choices are quicker and more pleasant and cost efficient. I never thought I'd see the day I didn't want at least one brew. I could have bought a new car with all the cans over the years!

The wheat harvest is about to commence and that will play havoc with our already stirred up allergies. Note to self: new AC filter. My late cuz from Ky learned all about heat and air from her hubby and she told me to use the cheap ones since we have so much dirt and dogs. The others are for REALLY cleaning the air and clog up quickly. It's still hot as hades...96 on the sign at Dairy Queen where we stopped for dilly bars in bulk. Gotta have 'em, ya'll.

Faith is not something that can be seen, only felt. Cousin Janice told me on the phone that she could feel my love across the miles and that's amazing. Today there was a pic of all the girls smiling.

^j^

off the clock

I stayed up until 10:30 last night which is unusual, and was wide awake about 8thirtyish thinking about the task ahead. My yard is about an acre and a pain in the ass to mow but I'm fortunate to have the use of a rider or else I'd be paying somebody to do it. I've come to enjoy the rides to and from the shack to pick it up as I check out the woods and haunted dairy barn up close and personal. There's always a dog or two as escort. The hills around my house look like a bald man's head with wild sprigs sticking out around the periphery but I've got a gallon of vinegar so that will be gone soon. Nothing pleases smartass southern girls more than a nice yard, you know. Over the years I've collected seeds and transplants and there's something from just about everybody out there somewhere. Stargazer lilies are my favorite and I've only got one or two still alive. They normally bloom about the 26th or so but might be late this year. Not my call.

BG is keeping Jordan for a bit and is doing the pat pat pat thing on his back to get a burp. At four months, he's just beginning to discover his hands and what all he can do with them which is amazing to watch. His grandma died so I reckon I'm kind of a sub for her. It takes a village, as we all know. I'm incredibly blessed to spend my life with such incredible people like his little tribe. When you look at things that way, there's always something to be grateful for.

The grands got a DVD player yesterday since we're using mom's little mini and they called the ever patient guy in MO who comes all the way over here to hook things up just right until somebody breaks it. She's all about wanting to watch "42" but can't remember if it's 42 or 21. Daddy and I clarified that for her. Hastings doesn't have it yet and heaven forbid that we should purchase it for fifteen bucks when rental is only three and includes gas to and from. Whatever makes her happy, I say. Life is hard down there.

She's expecting company next week, several old childhood friends who STILL drive from Memphis and visit her. I try not to think about the possibilities of making that happen. Last time they came she was in the hospital and beginning to hallucinate like she was on LSD from dehydration. She doesn't even remember them being there, I don't think. Never mind that her healthcare provider had to re-admit at no cost because nobody would listen to her advocate that "this is a new symptom". Thank God a very attentive physician picked up on what was going on and sent her back from the NH. Bg lay right next to her in the bed all that day waiting for her to calm down. It didn't happen for two more days.

Gotta get the mower back over to the proper place so I'm not in trouble. Ya'll have a glorious first weekend of summer and try not to get too hot. That's what mama told me yesterday and I love her for it.

^j^

nowhere but up

I find myself today on the upswing of a week that I wasn't sure would ever be over in terms of angst, self doubt and blazing heat. It's not really blazing but for a fragile southern flower like myself *ahem* anything above 85 is shall we say "uncomfortable" and puts me in mind of sweet tea and debutante balls. Monday's ugly cry was the beginning and I've been on autopilot since then, regrouping and working on plan C whatever that is. Whatever it turns out to be I'm sure it will be temporary. Adaptability to change is a key ingredient for long term contentment and my life's just FULL of it right now. Simplicity seems to be my answer because I'm so ADHD that everything gets scattered and the fewer "things" there are the better I do. I'm more the idea gal and team player who watches the talent and figures out who can contribute what to the goal. Don't make me implement it, please. That's where your OCD peeps come in right handy. They can organize and implement to high heaven where I'd be looking for the door after 5 minutes of that crap. Organization, to a degree, can be a learned skill but I will always believe that there are some who just can't keep the ball rolling. Like me.

Mr. Oscar Bruce was the principal at Alice Thurmond elementary school and also a very close friend of our family. His wife Peg was a librarian and English teacher and their son Tim and I were of the same age and hippie ways. He told my parents that my IQ was one of the highest that he had ever seen in his years of teaching and that every time he walked down the hall and peeked in on me I was looking out the window..which is true! My great granny Ethel lived down the hill from the playground and I went there for lunch a lot. Memama lived across the street from her so we were covered up with after school places to land. My aunt bought the house for daddy's parents to live in and when it was sold she had a yard sale and didn't even tell us about it. Another aunt went by and grabbed us up a few things to remember her by. Some people.

Anyway, it's beer thirty and I'm off the weekend with plenty of movies and a fairly new central unit and new shampoo. That's about as close to heaven as it gets here on this hill. Well, maybe the floors could be a little cleaner, but that can wait.

^j^

hard times

One of my favorite JT tunes with the chorus "You got to hold on" that plays right to my soul. Thanks to the wonder of text messaging I was able to talk with my cousin as she sat with her dying hubby and got the message pretty quickly when it was all over. If you've never been through that experience let me tell you that it's pure torture waiting for that last breath. Dying is terribly hard work for a body. It makes me incredibly sad to think about him suffering and her trying to be brave and get the rest of the family on the same page. When I go I pray that it will be quick because I don't suffer well. There will be a cremation and memorial service that I can't attend, except in spirit, to say goodbye to my dear cousin Mark. I will always remember him as the red headed freckle faced fun loving guy that he was. Another cousin is traveling to Ireland next week to scatter the ashes of her late best friend from a mountain top. Everyone should have some type of tribute and the world should stand still for just that moment. I remember talking with my friend Hoss during his last days. He couldn't speak well, and didn't really remember who I was but it was what I needed none the less. Closure, so to speak.

Another of my fav holding on songs is by Wilson Phillips. I think if I could have that playing in my ear 24/7 there would probably be a lot fewer tears. I watched Grace is Gone again yesterday and still loved every little bitty piece of it. Those little girls bouncing off of a very dull and emotionally stunted Cusack character make me laugh AND cry at the same time. The film is a very moving piece about the past ten years of war and its' effects on the families left at home. I must say that I've seen very few come back from that conflict unscathed emotionally. One guy, a friend's husband, lost it to PTSD while driving through interstate traffic in Atlanta. NOT a good place to lose it, especially with kids in the car. She was scared.to.death. I do not discount the horror of what these brave men and women have endured in the name of national security. Now I look at us sucking up to the rebels in Syria who have been openly associated with you-know-what. So like...who's more evil AlQ or Russia?

Yet ANOTHER friend received a diagnosis and treatment for melanoma on his bald little head and he's just now getting back to work. It's a must for him to wear a hat when we hang out at Gigi's pool. His little granddaughter is pure white with white blonde hair and not big as a minute. Last summer she was way shy but this year she's all about some action. She's just one of the many grandarlings, as Marti Ann calls hers,to keep that pool in waves for the coming years. There's one we call Two Scoops because that's exactly what his little freckled cheeks look like...scoops of something like ice cream. His two red headed cousins are almost always there. And course there's Gigi and Lisa, my sisters kinda sorta but not fully until I have to go through hell with the older two. No thanks, ya'll. You're better women than me!

My friend is dealing with a fortunately early case of breast cancer and is waiting for more test results to begin treatment. She's not a crying type person anyway, and she has sailed through this thing like the tough as nails gal that she is. Coming from a family of 13 siblings and right smack in the middle, she's seen some hard times too. Her sister-in-law is a Barbie collector and bought my 50 year old somewhat shabby original for 350 bucks! She didn't think twice and neither did I. If I was a betting gal I'd say we'll be having some thunderstorms soon based on my totally unscientific viewing of odd shaped dark clouds. My brother is an ex-TV weatherman who does radio and website reporting now. It's the only way to manage when you've got little kids!And on the other side of our world Westboro Baptist continues to spew hate and death and Republicans are re-examining their current state which is as scientists would say "not good." Ditto for the dems. Eric Holder is being hatchet man for a lot of dirty shit that could be stopped by a responsible president. The spying thing while disturbing, is a necessary evil to try to screen folks out of jihad on our soil. To try to prosecute the whistle blowers is more histrionics by a Congress that is out of control. Same thing for Assange. Get over it already...we've got bigger problems like what to eat when nothing will grow in the wasteland of nuclear fallout. Hey, I told ya'll I was in a mood.

The grands are in a holding pattern but I see something on the horizon because BG left for her other job and they haven't "needed" her or anybody else outside of Ms Faye, bless her heart. I just realized that I haven't stretched in days and my shoulders can tell it. Time for a little chair yoga, I say. And aleve of course.

Over and out from the lane ^j^

it's okay to be little bitty

For some reason I feel really really small and insignificant today like maybe the world would continue right on without me never even knowing that I had existed. I get like this now and again when things seem hopeless and life is nothing but work and drudgery. Most times I cry, not like bawling or anything but a long teary conversation with myself while listening to The Water is Wide, for instance. It's where I let down my guard, face the pain and embrace it instead of walking around it and falling in the same hole. It hurts like hell, but in my experience it's the only way to get happy. One of the first things I noticed about taking an SRUI is that I didn't cry very often..like NEVER at first. It was such a relief to get out from under that burden of sadness that I like it a lot...for once I felt normal and not like a boat being tossed around by the waves of life. The not crying thing passed within the first year so that now when I end up in tears it's for a legitimate reason that can be stated, named and said goodbye to. This past year has been incredibly painful for me losing not only my parents, in a sense, but my beloved Faith and bestie cousin Deb within a few months.

The money situation is not as bad as it was but still far from anything approaching even. BG's last job at a hotel which she loved turned into a "sorry but we can't afford you on the payroll" deal after just three weeks. Soooooo..there went the other income. Her car is now in better shape than mine following an almost complete overhaul since we got it back from the evil one. I still have no front passenger window or driver's side door handle. You should see the looks I get crawling up from the back seat when it's too wet to finagle the thing. The duct tape on the window film is flapping again so it's time for some damage control there. The car is 12 years old with less than 100K miles and a great motor so I'm gonna try to keep her going. The muffler needs some work (thanks to the potholes in my driveway) to quiet it down a bit. I'm surprised I haven't been ticketed on a noise ordinance AND that tacky window cover. I wonder if they took me to jail what they'd do with whatever dog was riding shotgun. Heh.

Ryder is in heat again which is how we ended up with cute but totally a pain in the ass puppies. Twice in a year ya'll. I'm talking this will NEVER happen in my house again. Take it outside kids. My last kinda sorta boyfriend wasn't a real big dog fan so he just worked around them because the food was good and whatnot. Dude played golf every single day that there wasn't a death in the family or thunderstorm come hell or high water. Little guy syndrome describes him best. Short of stature and lacking in the self esteem department Little Guy struts around like a banty rooster to make up for his shortness. DO NOT go there girls. One of my other "little guys" taught me how to love my daddy who is also a little feller. I will never forget when I first realized that in order to be true friends with a man you must also know his girlfriend or wife and not be a problem in that area. It's win-win you know...you get to spend time with your beloved friend and you and wifey can yuk it up at his expense! See..I know what I'm talking about. I chatted my cousin Janice last night and Mark is hanging in with hospice expecting a visit from his sister. A last journey with him, so to speak. If I had a car that was decent, I'd hightail it up there myself but alas. What would the grands do?????

As if on cue, Carol King starts singing "You make me feel like a natural woman". That's the spirit Big Ernie! Keep 'em coming 'round Pecan Lane. Lord knows we could all use some miracles like losing the crazy bunch down the road. I don't care who you are, that ain't right. Neither is the fact that my parents are one fracture or virus away from death and refuse more help. Mama just puts those ear thingies in and listens to a good book while he does his TV thing. I read in my brother's mag yesterday about the outside bathtub and I was intrigued. Why not??? We might as well learn how to survive because it doesn't look like world peace is scheduled any time this calendar year. With talk of '16 already starting, I find myself gagging on all of it..the lies and deceit and downright mean shit that comes from elected officials who think that their god is right. See: Rand Paul...hey, he ain't his daddy. Anybody who has kept Kentucky in the poverty stricken state it is should be tied up and subjected to cousin kissing and tobacco barn pig rape. I see Virginia slowly turning..not blue or red but wild card style. My personal experience in an industrial southern 'burg with lots of churches is that they'll raise nine kinds of hell to keep out progress that could generate revenue just because they don't like beer. Okay then..you don't have to drink it. Ya'll keep on and you'll be living in the church building while the young people run for their lives.

We have never really embraced art here and that's one experience with KY cousin and her parents that I'll never forget. Downtown Newbern was turned from a ratty ass court square to a showpiece for people in that town. Jim's stained glass shop was next to the hardware store where Mr. Tom worked and I took lessons there from Deb when she was learning and teaching. I still have the two pieces that I made and several from her. My favorite has a crystal in the center that was Jimbo's. Unbroken circle ya'll.

Peace.Love.Grace.Hope.

up in smoke

It's hot ya'll...already stifling and it's not even officially summer. I suppose we've been fortunate to not have much but 90s for the past few years and I pray that this will be the same. Hopefully they'll get the fires of hell out in Colorado under control before the entire continent burns. Meanwhile, we're chatting real heavy about getting in the middle of ANOTHER civil war against a government that has Russia on their side. Now I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but that doesn't sound like a smart thing to do what with Israel and all that mess in the mix. N Korea has settled down I guess, but I rarely listen. It's all pissy ass arrogant leaders showing what little dicks they have to rule in anger and force. As for the virgins in heaven, ya'll can just kiss my ass because there's no god in the world that will reward terrorism and murder with something that precious.

Money Mike and Brandi and myself were discussing funeral practices the other day since her baby daddy had died and the talk to cremation. He described his belief that when the body is burned it is returned to heaven as the ashes fly up. He poo pooed the sometimes christian belief that we'll all have our youthful pain free bodies in that house of many mansions. I believe that a large part of heaven is right here on earth and that the choices we make define how happy we are with what is. I know an elderly woman who has been a sourpuss all her life and only in the throes of dementia has she learned to let go and enjoy the moment. She even smiles now. That, my friends, is a miracle.

I ran into an old friend at the egg/doughnut capital of the 'burg and she had three little boys in tow as they trailed out to her daddy's van. We had a big old hugfest right there in front of the Camry while mom and daddy toddled in. The last time I saw her was post-Katrina when she got run out of town by the storm. She was pregnant with the youngest then and since it just happened to be my birthday she brought a random gift that I still have and enjoy. My gift to daddy was a clay pot of assorted favorites like vinca and petunias for him to keep watered..on schedule. He loved it. Mom's present for her special day was a hand picked bouquet from my yard. It's the little things that matter like macaroni art and hand prints. To be a parent is to know what it's like to put someone above yourself if you do the job right. And it doesn't go away either..it's a lifetime deal. Happy father's day to all you guys who have helped a girl out and been a gentleman about it.

Faith ^j^

when love is just a word

I'm a very touchy feely kind of gal so I always grab folks when I have the opportunity and tell 'em I love them. "I love everybody...and you're next!" Actually there's a lot of people that it takes a lot of WORK to love that I would have missed out on if I hadn't gone into the trenches with them. When love is used in the sense that you know and cherish someone, in spite of the warts and whatnot, then it is truly a verb and not the noun that is tossed around carelessly on cards and in songs. The action of love is in degree of commitment to a relationship be it romantic or familial. I was way over the line of normal commitment for a number of years trying my best to make everything normal when it was, indeed, nowhere close. He worked third shift, me on first. A child that got passed back and forth between shift work and babysitters. A job that paid fairly well but demanded a lot from me. Somewhere in the midst of all that I became employee/mother/wife/friend/exhausted. My co-dependency had been hanging around my neck for years until the therapist pointed out to me that it was really heavy and I might want to do the work to lay it down for good. I cracked, sought help and didn't go for more than a day without crying for the next two years. All of the pent up anguish and disappointment that had followed me and told me that I would never be good enough came out in a very clumsy fashion usually with the "ugly cry." I loved the wrong people too much, using them as a training ground for that one who might come along and decide that in spite of my imperfections, I'm worth the work. No takers so far, but I'm sure learning to stay away from the usual suspects who don't respect me.

I have this little red headed freckle faced girlfriend whose daddy was found dead this morning and my heart aches for her and her mom. Nobody expects to die at 28, yet choices are made day in and day out that make it inevitable...very sad, but true. There was a time when I thought I had all the answers or at least most of the questions earning me the dubious title of one who thinks too much. In spite of my best intentions to do otherwise I find myself picking things apart and wondering "why." Maybe it's the scientist in me, I don't know. The control freak in me wants to know that there is a reaction for every action yet often things just happen willy nilly as if a deck of cards were thrown into the air. No reason. Shit just happens. My first blog was called Poop Happens partly because it usually does around here and partly because Poopie was my childhood nickname. The Poopster! A lovely young lady in Canada designed my page for free and it was my my home for many years.

Somewhere along the way I felt that I had changed and that blog had not. When I began it I was a recent divorcee and on a mission to find "that" guy. I wish I had known ten years ago that the frogs are just that and don't even deserve a kiss. Ya'll all know I've smooched on plenty of them. I have now morphed into someone who is totally comfortable with being alone, if you call living with five pets solitary. As long as they're here I'll never sleep alone. I am very in tune with my passions like writing and photography and fill hours exploring art and light. I enjoy my daughter's company and that of her friends. Music is what brings out the joy when it seems to be gone. Work is not a chore anymore. It is what it is and it's out of my hands. Whew...what a relief!

My dear friend did a post today concerning all the old timers that were in our circle back in the day. Some are gone, like Hoss. But our memories will keep us alive to each other forever. If my book ever gets done, it will be in dedication to them and all the others who have supported me when there was nothing but bitchy ass political drivel during the Bush years. OMG..if I had to go back through all that I'd shoot my eye out. Not that Obama is any different because the dumbasses people in Congress won't LET him be. It's all about who wins, and in our case nobody does. We're pawns at the mercy of two giant political parties that hate each other with a passion. Sound familiar? See: Arab spring.

I used to hang at this bar between town and my house and watch the guys slap dominoes on the granite counter like it was a damn tactical military move. We sang karaoke and looked at each person's kid pictures and sometimes had too much but we always watched each others' backs when shit happened. It was in that bar that we solemnly lit candles on the day after 9/11 right around dusk and talked about how something like that could happen to us! In other countries, it's a daily event. How naive we can be sometimes when the cat is fat and comfy.

Meanwhile my celebrity boyfriend is churning out enough movies to keep me hopping to the video store or redbox which is, in my opinion, a very "good" thing as Martha would say. We're watching lots of comedies too..usually one of each. That kinda sorta makes up for no SNL, Chelsea or TMZ. Maybe someday.

^j^

dog days

By the traditional calendar it's still spring which means it's not too late to plant 'maters but not much else unless you intend to water five times a day. All four of my doggies are laid our on the floor again and I can seriously say I know how they feel. Somebody please remind me how much I bitched about the not so cold winter of 12/13 with only electric oil heaters and those kind that might burn your shit up in a heartbeat if you drop a towel on it. That can only mean one thing...that TVA will become richer this summer on my dime. Their surcharge on my local electric bill is a travesty but I refuse to sweat any more than necessary being the delicate flower of the south that I am. Sweet tea and debutante balls? Bring it on!

Something really freaky happened lately that seemed the normal kind of karma for those who believe in faith and the journey. I met Chuck and Julie through my friend Drew and a couple of others. Joe maybe? Anyways, when my friend Lisa was home to help her mom downsize to a condo I mentioned to her about the movie Winning Dad and his involvement with it. Washington is a big state but I think they're pretty close and on the same track. We were hippies together back in the day and had sleepovers at the former Plaza motel in south Dyersburg when her house burned. About fifteen I reckon. I know her family and she knows mine and we're all in this thing together whatever it is. Mostly I think it's the world turning without us. A couple of people have asked me lately if I was thinking about offing myself and that kind of registered on the radar. Honestly? I've never even considered it as long as I'm able to care for myself or have somebody else do it. Having faith is believing in advocacy for those who can't fend for themselves. It's what J would do.

Peace out ^j^

towanda, my ass

Whew...it's already 90ish and humid as a you know what. My yard desperately needed mowing a bushhog so I stopped by and picked the mower up yesterday and started on it late in the day when it was cooler. After sleeping in I went to get gas and a 50 pound bag of dog food which I drug up the back steps like I was on my last breath. Then I proceeded to tackle the rest of the pigweed and orchard grass. OH.MY.LORD. it's hot already, did I mention that? For the first time in a long time I'm dripping wet from sweat and very curious about the men's underwear I found out front when I passed by on the mower. WTF? With my luck it's some peeping tom kinda creep who left his drawers on the way out. Our little "enclave" doesn't have much traffic so we know when somebody comes or goes most times.

BG's latest job is a wash and we don't really know why except that corporate said no to having one employee outside of the Hindu family that runs the place and never gets a break. I think that's pretty shitty myself but I guess that's our country at work. Little black cloud. Mom and daddy are doing well I suppose because there have been no ambulance calls lately or frantic communication from Ms. Faye. I'll take it. When I was driving the mower back over I got an upclose and personal view of what wheat looks like immediately prior to harvest. There are magnolia trees over there so I picked what I could reach and admired the rest. From that vantage point high atop the hill you can see backwater to the left turning into green fields of freshly planted corn. From that angle, the symmetry of the rows is beautiful. The irrigation system is standing by, waiting for the time it will spring into action to increase the yield on the wheat beans. If Big Ernie doesn't send rain, you make your own.

I'm still avoiding MSM because it's gotten to the point of paranoia and whatnot so I'd rather be oblivious. If I hear one more tight ass Republican put God's name on something that is THEIR personal philosophy I think I'll occupy them. I've got news for ya'll....He loves us all and we don't try to use him to get our way except when it comes to feeding the poor and and helping the sick. I am not a "flaming liberal" as you love to call anyone who doesn't agree with you. I'm a fiscally conservative independent voter who is not happy with what's up in Washington and how it affects my life personally. These people make the entire process of voting for representation a joke because of the power struggle between the two parties. Why are there only two one might ask? The way I see it it's kind of like which sports team you support. Everybody had an alma mater. My parents both attended the UTMB during the 50s and BG graduated there fifty years later. My degree came from the Memphis school where my third cousin (another brotha' I suppose) is a dental student. They're on a mission trip to Ecuador and set up a clinic in like one day. This? It's what healthcare is all about. I have been a Doctors Without Borders fan for years. The health of the world is a global concern and there's no guarantees that what is just a minor bump in the road now is a major obstacle to other people in the midst of civil war conditions.

Anyway, my friend Vick is having a rough patch of luck with her broken wrist and I wish I could just drop everything and take care of her. This woman has the biggest heart of anybody I've ever seen with just a hint of mischief in her twinkling eyes.
We went to the beach together when BG graduated and she was greatly alarmed that I drank vodka and cranberry at noon on vacation. We've known each other since our girls were about six and in the same class at school. There has been plenty of partying done on that hill toward Roellen and always in a loving happy sort of way. Horse shoes, fireworks and now a pool. It's a new generation up in there and that makes me happy.

Well, the dogs are all laid up on the laminate coolness like dinner on the grounds and oblivious to anything but sleep. Life is good ^j^

brothers and sisters

As mentioned earlier, my Hindu friend Money Mike likes to educate me on the practices of "his" people one of which is not calling anybody a cousin. If you are related by blood to someone then you are their sister or brother. Cousinhood, as we know it, doesn't exist. I kind of like that idea since I love my cousins as much as my brothers...well,some of them. There's a couple who are a challenge, but I manage to move on in love when they start. Presently my favorite boy cousin of all time (brother,I guess) is under hospice care for terminal cancer. That's when they say "We've done all we can in the way of intervention. Think about comfort care." I've been there with many people as they traveled from diagnosis to grave and each one brought a special gift to me. One of those was Fennie who had sickle cell disease and lived in the 'hood. She and a couple of others spoke to volunteer donors about the importance of what they are doing. All of them cried as they spoke of how something that was given freely and anonymously had kept them alive. I hold that moment in my heart sometimes when it all seems like I don't matter in the big picture.

We had a grill session last night following a brake job for the Neon by a friend. The house was full of laughter and the smell of good food. It's been a looooong time since I enjoyed that kind of meal. Mostly it's hot pockets or noodles. Jordan was here and behaved like the wonderful baby boy that he is except when somebody puts him down. He and BG talk and it's the cutest thing. She's baby sitting today before the real job. As for me? I'm off and determined to find a happy place with me and this nasty house. It's much better, mind you. Now we're down to like one layer of filth instead of multiples. Things are stacked in corners and along the walls. It'll be one helluva sale when it happens. Got some dishes washed and the hummingbirds fed. Dogs and cats too. Now it's playtime for mommy. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood that begs to be enjoyed outside. Until I start to sweat, ya know.

Love and peace ^j^

pecan lane spotted fever

Ticks have been atrocious this year and continue to find their way into the house in spite of our efforts to check ten times a day. Doggie meds come behind food in the budget. I went by the grocery store today and found myself TALKING BACK to the voice at the self check out. Bless her heart, an old college buddy named Virgie came over and helped a girl out. Traffic was light because church was still in session for the Baptists and Methodists. I stopped by Money Mike's and got a quick lesson in Hindu worship practice and the no cousins thing. He's a great guy and has been a good friend to both BG and myself. That only goes to show that Big E does indeed work in mysterious ways because that was a freakin' miracle what happened right with that store. Everybody knows everybody else and their business pretty much now.

We had a random thunderstorm right about getting up time this morning which came wayyyyyy too early. I've got a couple of days to sleep in if the creek don't rise. Gigi called yesterday right as I was headed home with an invitation to baptize the pool. New liner...awesomeness. It makes a great background for pictures. Needless to say it only took a couple of hours in the sun to kick my ass and send me home to watch season 8 one more time. I'm in denial that there will never be any more Botwin Newman adventures. This gal at work saw by accident season 7 last night and I had to fill her in on why Pants was in jail. I highly recommended that she start at the beginning and enjoy the ride.

My favorite movie lately has been a comedy with Melissa McCarthy...one of those make you snort and howl kind of films. All the men are dark..Last Quartet was incredibly creepy to me with its' intensity. None of the movie places have Hangover 2 which is what I would dearly love. Hey..it's a small town and options are limited. One of our staff docs moved here from NYC and asked what there was in the way of nightlife. We told him to head for Beale Street because it sure ain't in the 'burg. It's kind of amazing to look at the tiers of wealth even at this local level and wonder what it's all about. I think that if you are blessed financially you should kind of pay it forward and if I ever hit the lottery, that will be my life's work. I would be BF to a whole lot of folks.

The intelligence community is, of course, the topic of conversation since there's only been one mass shooting lately. Never mind that the gun was one the ones that is under discussion for tighter regs. I read today where Putin is divorcing his wife for a gymnast or something and thought to myself "who gives a rat's ass." Russia has always been "thus and so" as my daddy would say so why be afraid? My fervent prayer is that if everybody blows the world up it will be quick and we don't have to suffer and survive with no food or water. Or be stuck on a metal ship like Waterworld. I would have to slit my wrists.

Things are looking up and I'm feeling pretty blessed. The past few months have been a foggy memory to me, in shock and exhausted and trying to hang on and believe that God is indeed good and I've been spared the suffering that much of our world has endured. There was a book called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" that was kind of pivotal in my change toward more chilled and less focused. I do truly believe that I have some sort of ADHD which is aggravated by my attempts to organize and clean. See..I'm a real conspiracy theorist!

God is good. All the time ^j^

see you in court

And so it came to pass that on my final day as a Panel C juror we were summoned unto the judge ON MY DAY OFF for jury selection on the only case that has been presented to this group. And being in Dyersburg which is a haven for meth addicts, the charge was initiation of the manufacture of said methamphetamine. Dude had a wily and seasoned somewhat ass of a criminal attorney at his table with a district attorney and drug task force member at the other. Two cops sat outside waiting to testify. The entire process of selecting a jury took an hour and the rest of us were free to fly. Burden of proof notwithstanding, I can't imagine anybody trying to beat that charge unless they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Anywho, no more justice for this old gal for awhile, anyway.

I remember being in that same courtroom almost 30 years ago for a public hearing on the sale of our county owned hospital to a non-profit out of Memphis. At that time two of them were battling for the rights to Highway 51 and the towns on it as feeders for their Memphis facilities. Methodist Healthcare bid 10M over market value and Baptist said "it's yours." Methodist bought 7 facilities in western Tennessee and kept them for many many years until the "vision" changed from feeding the hubs to doing transplants. That's when they unloaded us and didn't look back. Rumor has it that the county owes some of us pension funds because most of us got nothing from them after the sale, not even a kiss. I have very fond memories of the people that I've worked with over the years, especially the nurse who was administrator at the end. He got thrown under the bus as well. In court this morning one of the lawyers asked a potential juror why he had quit the police force after only 9 months. His response was that there was too much politics! Hah. It's everywhere you know. To find an organization that is dedicated to quality without sacrificing compassionate care is very rare. Most every thing revolves around $$ and everyone knows that. We were discussing getting "dooced" at the work the other day since the latest Big Brother tactic is for employers to monitor social media habits of their people. I can see this to a point, but as long as I'm not bashing anybody specifically or breaking HIPPA laws, what I do on my own time is my business.

It's hot'n'humid per typical June weather in TN. My windows will be all foggy until it dries up if ever. We got lucky on the mowing last year because of no rain but it's growing like crazy this time. I have found myself lately wondering where in the world BF is because she's so unpredictable and that's half the fun. If BF turns out to be a man, I apologize but I just don't see a man's touch on the personal gifts that I've received. Our previous on again/off again roomie who raised Faith with us brought some knockout rose bushes and planted them on her grave. They're absolutely gorgeous and doing quite well telling me that faith is not dead at all.

Keeping it ^j^

*knock knock*

I finally got solvent enough to pay the internet people and stop trying to see and write by teeny tiny cell phone and slightly larger pad. Reading glasses are a must for either as well as for work. My failing eyesight will require some "real glasses" soon. Also on the $ list was the county courthouse for tag renewal where I may or may not have jury duty tomorrow depending on if the attorneys and judge work it out. Heh. I've been writing every day for the past week or two knowing that it would be awhile before anybody saw the words but that made them even more special. No expectations, if you will. I'm headed to Gates tomorrow if I'm not in the jury box. Dude will flip when I show up with cash! The economy continues to crush people by the millions and as far as I can tell Congress is still playing with their collective sex organs while we wither on the vine. Currently I'm jamming to AC/DC thanks to my dear friend Gregg who's gonna probably give me win me some Eagles tickets since I was stupid enough to pass them up in St. Louis that one time. Oh, and James Taylor TWICE. Yeah, I know. Gregg and his Baby Duck go cruising twice a year which is something I haven't the least interest in because that's how disease spreads, ya know? I always remember the Titanic.

I saw a co-worker today in passing who reminds me of this brilliant new comedic talent I enjoyed in "Lay the Favorite". Still don't know her name, but that gal played the HELL outta' the part. That's what people need right now instead of comfort food and entitlements. Most of them just need a good belly laugh or somebody with a good ear for listening. We're still not ready for TV yet and are mulling options. My friend and also co-worker had a little surgery yesterday so we're all praying for a good report for her because face it...everybody needs some happy news!

My parents are in a surprisingly happy place themselves now that BG has a job and is cutting back on those hours up in their faces. Gotta save money, you know? I mean dang...at 80 they might need it. House of cards, ya'll. House of cards. Sometime during the big killer SARS like gastroenteritis episode I noticed that my body was reacting to a powerful agent, and one that can not really be controlled other than through universal precautions and a diligent cleaning schedule. Which is certainly not what's been happening around OUR house lately. Hey. A girl's gotta rest sometime or another. Two litters in one year born inside is a microbiologist's nightmare.We buy bleach by the gallon and use it copiously on the 10K floors that I hear about all the damn time. The funny thing is..I never even asked for it.

I'm tired and I know everybody else is too. A friend's family is mourning the death of a second grandchild in less than a year and it's just sometimes too much to wrap your brain around. You can get caught up in the sadness of the world and all the drama that surrounds every little ache and pain or you can choose to help someone else in pain without a second thought about what's in it for you. Sometimes that where self healing comes from. See: BG and social work. Janie and hospice. Mama and funeral food.

Tickled to be here ^j^