fragile

I whispered the serenity prayer on my way into work this morning.  Wisdom and courage.  Serenity is not what happened but I can feel it closer now that I've had a major crying jag.  I'm cycling through the grief in fits and starts and wondering if it will ever end, knowing that it won't.  It'll just be different.  The cosmos led Lorna to the parking lot when I was getting ready to leave and she gave me hugs and stern warnings about mental health.  "What are you afraid of?" she asked.  And honestly, I don't know.  I'm not paralyzed to the point of not functioning....just lacking the ambition fo choose a different life.  As a life long well taught co-dependent, maybe I'm just afraid of serenity itself.  Of not feeling the chaos.  My boundaries are pretty loose in a lot of areas but at least I'm aware of that and focus on keeping them.  I could probably use a week with Melody Beattie!  Chronic physical pain is a factor.  Sometimes I feel like I have PTSD and I suppose we all do in some form or fashion.  

I slept with the therapy ball under my shoulder last night and the pain has moved into the upper arm area, hopefully on the way out.  I'm gonna' need that shoulder to hold the baby, you know.  Seriously, I can't just put a name to the whole thing and I suppose that's my inner control freak wanting to know "why." Sometimes it just is what it is.  

I seriously need to find my warrior woman spirit and tackle the business plan that is the rest of my life.  For that, I will need professional help because Celexa ain't working anymore.  I need a vacation.  I feel respected and loved by many people and realize that I have some mad skills that are not being used.  This is the time to explore how to use those to bring myself joy.  

The grief triggers this time were subtle but powerful....surprise lilies and autumn clematis.  My mother's favorite lamp blinking at me while I typed yesterday.  She was telling me to be happy. And basically, I am.  There is not much negativity in my personality and normally I look on the bright side and keep rolling.  Today isn't one of those days.  

There are certain things I know for a fact about my psychological makeup.  Definitely an introvert who tends to stay in the "pondering" phase too long.  Not a follower, at all.  I use my intelligence to think things through and look for solutions rather than focus on problems.  Though my loneliness is often self imposed, I find peace in it with just me myself and I.  Well, and the critters.

I hate hot weather, adore flowers and water....especially the ocean.  Music is as much of a balm as burning white sage which I need to order.  I go through it pretty quick.  The people who read this blog know how I'm feeling on any given day and reach out with likes and comments at just the right time even when I don't realize that I'm in crash and burn mode.  Right now I just feel drained from the massive release of emotional energy one.more.time.  

Leaving room for the spirit to work ~