Wednesday, May 30, 2012

countdown to plan xyz

It's one of those days ya'll, when it all seems too much and the angst and churning just has to come out in the form a big fat ugly cry. Thank goodness I wasn't at work! That's the worst feeling in the world, to be on the job and losing it emotionally. If I had any sense, I'd burn my sick time and check into a mental health place for some rest like they did in the old days. I am literally living day to day on call 24/7 for aging parents who are not in a safe situation at all. If I moved in with them, I'd lose it for sure. Daddy's dementia doesn't do well with "visitors" in the house. Phone calls have been made to set in motion the forward progression of something different because, try as I may, I can't do it anymore and keep what little sanity I have left. Add to this a tremendous financial burden and you've got yourself a mess. A hot mess, which is me. I helped mom put her socks on this morning for her first beauty shop trip in two months and noticed that her foot is purple. Hmmm...congestive heart failure? She's getting a perm this time so her hair doesn't just flatten from propping up in that recliner all day. She still hasn't made it back to church, and I don't see that happening for some time, if ever. They can come to her and they have. One day at a time is becoming more and more of a lifestyle necessity as we tumble on through this maze and hit the ground running one more time. Drama just wears my old hippie peace freak soul plum out! Prior to my conversation with Lorna today I never really gave much thought to the fact that I've neglected my own needs to care for others long term. What a GOOD little co-dependent! Five years of ambulance trips and falls plus wrecks and sleeping on the chair in the hospital have taught me that plan A is subject to change at any given moment. The map changes at every fork in the road and you just have to regroup and move ahead. Look at options. Feeling stuck with no plans in motion to move ahead is the basis of much depression, not only myself but millions of others who are feeling the economic squeeze and caring for two generations on limited energy and resources. What lucky baby boomers we are! The dust is blowing around here like the grapes of wrath and we're hoping and praying for some rain on these crops and to settle the dirt devils. My grass has already begun to look like it does in August which is kinda scary. I got a surprise call from the used to be on again off again roommate yesterday with an offer to pay for some arthritis meds for Faith and to get Ryder checked out. Needless to say, I cried. That was probably the tip of the meltdown, truth be told. I put my beloved James Taylor tickets up for sale on a local forum because frankly, I need the money more than I need to tromp around on Mud Island in the July heat. It was a nice thought, but..... This too shall pass ^j^


  1. I'm sorry. :( I know the feeling - so many people don't realize the absolute and total stress & depression and withdrawal from people/society that can be caused by chronic caregiving. It's so hard, and harder still to communicate the feelings without feeling guilty, or like you're "complaining" (which you're TOTALLY not!). It's so hard, but you're doing a great thing. XOXOXOX

  2. Looky you got more visitors commenting. That's cool.

    As to the situation, if it ain't working, then it's broke. If it's broke fix it, unless thou art also broke. In which case, let someone who can, fix it. There's got to be an easier way for you and them to make it work.

    Hugs and prayers.