runnin' down a dream

My boundaries are getting tested at every turn and lately I'm glad to have 'em. Today at the sawmill was a snooze and I was so pissed that the electricity was out when Charles Osgood came on. Of course I taped it but....One of the things that my therapist Bev used to be curious about was my addiction to self help books. She asked me one time "But what do you read for fun?" That was way before I discovered Stephanie and Lula and I was totally stumped over it. At that point in my life I need John Bradshaw, Scott Peck and Melody Beattie to help me keep it in the middle of the road. Hard work ya'll. You gotta wanna'. Tonight is the premiere of Dr. Drew's rehab and we're hooked on that kinda thing, especially with him. Dr Phil got us headed in that direction ;) Most of what they've televised is celebrity stuff but I feel that more random folks will be showing up like the ones who clog up our ERs with their drug seeking ways. I can honestly say that's one thing I've never done. Unless it's a kidney stone or heart attack, I'll tough it out on the hill with OTC. I know how addicts work.

Substance abuse in this country is a huge problem due to the gigantic pharm industry and lack of funding for mental health. It is much more profitable to treat mental health issues with drugs than to get down to the root cause of an individual's pain. Factor in that most people at the poverty level can't even afford a PCP and depend on state and federally funded groups for treatment and there ya go. A whole helluva lot of depressed people with a lot of justified anger. Hell, I've got a good job and I'm mad! I'm not talking about the straight up addicts who are on a fast track to the morgue. I'm speaking to intervention in the current generation of children who are entirely too preoccupied with their own little selves. Honey Boo Boo, my ass. This is particularly applicable to the state of Tennessee where the largest city with a rich history has turned into a whole lot of ghetto.

I do not believe in entitlements to those who are working the system on my dime. Yet that includes nobody that reads this blog because they're too busy hustling the government or the local church secretary or whomever. I believe that the electronic medical record is way past due and was held back by people who had a huge financial stake in the upgrade. Same with a cure for cancer other than chemo and radiation. Don't tell me all of these big medical centers with research centers can't figure it out. Preventive care is where it's at, bottom line. What wasn't even considered a public health issue 25 years ago has turned into a condition that I must monitor with twice yearly PAP smears. Meanwhile, hospitals are filled with foreign doctors as hospitalists tending to the steady flow of chronically ill patients who live in the immediate area. Much of those health problems could be solved through education and intervention but, well. That doesn't MAKE money.

Mammograms should be free, or at least less than the light bill. Early detection is imperative for that particular form of the disease. So is family history and lifestyle. Because of my love for beer malt beverages I'm at a bit of a higher risk and also they're kinda on the big side. Which is why I faithfully turn up every year where my friend Martha squishes the devil out of the girls. I've seen the alternative and it ain't pretty, except for Cindy, bless her heart. My friend Sue has told me umpteen stories about her and when I met her it was as if we were lifelong buddies. Cute.As.Pie.

We've cooked two nights in a row so it's time to wash dishes and eat leftovers. I'm ALMOST through all the frames I brought up to clean and my partner in the barnwood deal is about to be done with his current project so there's hope for Christmas presents yet. It's not Halloween yet so my dressing isn't even beginning to be in the freezer, but the bread is by golly. All it needs is some chicken stock and fixings. It's my yearly goal to beat Kay to the punch with that task.

This is birthday time for my nephew, niece and brother. I rarely mention them because they're all copyright protected and whatnot. I did pin the boy's pic on our bulletin board at work where the ancient memories and current happies are posted. His little sister is a smiling angel with clouds of chocolate curls surrounding her dimpled face. And their father is my baby brother, as close as siblings can be all those miles apart. There was a period of years when we were in respective therapy that Bev just said "You folks need to follow your dreams." And we did.

Off for a couple of days here and looking forward to it. I may have to work next Saturday just to make it up on my check but what the heck. It's not like Sugardaddy is lurking around tempting me with offers. Me and a friend were talking about boyfriends today in the dark ( long story ) and we both decided we wanted one when we want one but then want him to go away for awhile. That's what cougars do, ya know?

Keep the faith ^j^

conflicted

There are a whole helluva lot of folks who get their jollies by being in a constant state of drama. Since this isn't reality usually, they stir the pot just to see who jumps then move onto the next potential adrenaline producing situation. Worry, worry and more worry with a generous side of tsk and cluck. Honey, growing up in the south we know our drama what with all the crazy relatives and skeletons that fall out of dusty old closets in ancient farmhouses. There is this evil rag of a website called topix that serves as fodder for anybody in the mood to hurl an insult. No fact checker on that bitch either. THAT..should be against the law.

The job hunt began today and BG said she listened to Neil Young's "Old Man" while she was applying around online. I have a killer playlist on Spotify with everything from Willie to Waylon and Josh Groban too. Also a Michel W Smith fan, there are several of his and a whole bunch of Adele and all the other gutsy female singers who preceded her. Thanks nerds...it doesn't take much to make this old gal happy! My day at the sawmill was steady with not much downtime. And the air was out...sigh. At least it's not ninety degrees. Our switchboard operator Miss Hazel retired yesterday after fifty six years on duty and she had a big party. I'll be like her...still working way past retirement time until a new system comes along to take the place of my (sometimes) smiling face. By then Congress will have agreed to work together for the benefit of the generation that funded Social Security and Medicare before the job market went belly up. Either that or we'll all be trying to dodge the next bullet. Either way, I want my damn money.

Speaking of small town drama, we're all still kinda curious about what happened to the young lady last October who was found two months later in the kudzu next to the cross. Lots of rumors and speculation on what's up with no arrest made after a year. That's another thing about small town politics and corruption...there are tentacles everywhere. Back in the day I must say the Democrats of Dyer county were the ones giving away food and liquor to buy votes. Republicans just worked it in church and at the Kiwanis club with their sweet little wives standing by their men all the way to the voting booth. As we say in the south "how niiiice".

Two of four dogs rolled in something that smells like death today so they're grounded until they air out. Corporate has come and gone and I never knew it except for word of mouth. In their universe, this is just another spot on the real estate map. I do believe that the current leadership team has a kind and gentle vision for this wildlife sanctuary. I'm glad I lived long enough to see that happen. It helps me keep the faith ^j^

and so it goes

Somehow my feeble mind managed to get logged out of Google and forget the way back which means that I've been silent for a few days. Not a bad thing, on occasion, by any means. The way things have been going, it would have all been whining anyway. As weeks go, this has been a real challenge even in OUR little world. I have purposely avoided most news and focused exclusively on piddling and sorting, always the one with great ideas but plan that might never materialize. Presumably that's why I'm more of an artist and scientist rather than administrative type. We went scrapping through an old storage house here on the farm, searching for memories and finding quite a few. I drug home a shitload of green glass dishes (not depression, dangit) and a scrapbook from when my mama and her siblings were young and all was well. We also loaded up a freakin' anvil in my trunk which brought 4.40 at the scrap yard. My favorite teller at the bank told me not to spend it all in one place and I didn't. Three bucks went for toothpaste and the rest is jingling somewhere. Today is payday so it's all good for the moment.

BG is between jobs again so we spent yesterday hauling the grands around to their respective hair appointments and getting groceries and meds. By the time we were on the way home, me and Daddy were in the backseat with BG driving Miss Janice. Their groceries and her walker were all under my feet so I ended up in this kind of yoga like stretch with my right leg above mom's head. Fun times! You have never seen three people more happy to have food in the house than us here on the hill. Dollar menu takeout just doesn't get it in the long run. Our new roomie has claimed Ryder as his own and feeds her separately so that Oscar won't bully her. It's so funny because she's as big as a small deer but doesn't realize she could kick his little terrier ass. She CRIES like the six month old baby that she is. A friend was out picking apples the other day and immediately asked if she had "some great dane" in her. Um, you bet!

After several months of intense sorting and pitching my house is beginning to resemble something like organized chaos. The dining room table is now in the office covered with pieces of projects. Oh, and the queen size bed frame is in the dining room with a bunch of boxes pushed against the walls. Hey...we can walk and for that I'm grateful. It's been kind of touch and go with me getting up in the night and navigating around the giant doggy bed that used to be a couch cushion, but I'm about to get it worked out with only one broken toe. Both attic and basement are empty for the most part with only a few things remaining that are too heavy to deal with unless there's a group. There is a saddle for the horse that hasn't been ridden in years but is still happily munching on granny smith apples most days.

It's rather eerie the way I just don't worry about things anymore because really? In the grand scheme of what's going on in the world my problems are quite small. I have a nice place to live, food, a loving family and lots of friends. I have a good job, which I bitch about often but wouldn't trade for anything. Most importantly, I have myself back. For years I have lived my life to meet the needs of others because I really had never defined my own. Even after therapy I was a walking talking co-dependent who continued to project my issues onto others and take theirs as my own. No boundaries, ya'll. It feels good to be behind an invisible line.

Yesterday's giggle du jour came when we unloaded Mom at the beauty shop and Daddy took off up the ramp WITH HER WALKER leaving her at the bottom. We have come to appreciate moments like this for what they are and laugh because it's either that or cry. I choose smiles.

^j^

happy birthday BG!

Twenty eight years ago today I was laid up in the labor room at the sawmill getting a pit drip because I had been having contractions for two days already and was OVER the whole deal. It took several hours for epidural time to come so it was touch and go for me and baby daddy. He was quite supportive, in his own way, and we had attended pre-natal classes together to get ready for the big event. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the experience. You just have to live it. There was a pizza party going on in the waiting room that included my parents and some friends. By 10PM BG was a living person and laying on my arms as I peered into her little eyes. Due to the extended period of labor she had been meconium stained meaning that she was in stress and ready to get OUT of there. The doc offered fifteen more minutes of pushing and I chose forceps. Get 'her done!!! I pity those who go through that alone because it takes a village. You would be amazed at how many folks come into and go out of this world without another living soul who cares.

As a child, she was spoiled rotten because she was not just our only child but the only grandkid as well. Talk about some major good times with the grands! She rode the tractor with Daddy and made cookies with Mom, all the stuff that creates great memories. A congenitally missing tooth made her quite ashamed to smile and there was a period of years that I never saw it prior to the bridge and after the braces. Her childhood was rearranged early when her father and I divorced when she was nine. We got back together later, but divorced again during her senior year. That's when the real struggle started. She attended the local community college and found out after a brief course in nursing that she just wasn't cut out for that. Three years later while working a full time graveyard shift job, she got a degree in social work. Thanks to the post Bush economy, she's working at a local country store and loving every minute of it.

When she turned eighteen I made a video using pics and "In My Daughter's Eyes" as the background. I still cry when I watch her grow up and know that she is her mama's child, and her daddy's too. She is who she is and I'm humbled to have been a part of that. A gift from Big Ernie? You bet your sweet ass.

^j^

pregnant pause

Honestly, my fingers and mind have had very little to say lately which is sort of unusual. I blame it on lingering vertigo and indignant Muslims, not necessarily in that order. That's kind of old news now as everybody shutters their embassies and hauls ass out of the area which probably means we're way ahead of that withdrawal timeline. Hey...worse things could happen than having our military here concentrating on homeland security. If we are to spend the rest of our lives sacrificing career military folks to an ancient tribal war that can never be won then I'd just as soon go hide in a cave somewhere. Once again, the similarities to Vietnam are strong and repeating themselves. Ten years worth of our best have been to hell and back and are trying to deal with the PTSD that haunts every veteran who has seen more than Big Ernie ever intended.

My mama is blind so her major entertainment is listening to books on tape or CD. The other day we were on the way home from the doc when she asked daddy to remind her to call the state agency that sends out the books. She wanted that "50 shades of grey one". I about choked as I was driving through the 'burg and told her it was kind of a dirty book. She said "Oh, no...it's about FIVE generations of ......" We have giggled over that like little kids ever since. I told her that even my co-workers get embarrassed reading it around other people. We stopped by the loca DQ for some dilly bars and headed to the house where our current roomie had actually mowed the yard. As days in paradise go, that one qualifies! The weather is sublime. I can honestly say I've never been so glad to see a summer end, yet I say that every year. Does not do heat well, ya'll.

Work is work and I'm glad to have a decent job at this point in time. The cotton is getting ready for the picker, a sea of white and brown with short but decent stalks. Up next to my yard is awesome! The colors are starting up, first with Virginia creeper and poison ivy and later with everything else. This farm is a sight to behold in October. Corporate will be here soon to look at the lay of the land and I think they'll be pleased. My brother is an excellent manager, particularly since he's lived on the place for 54 years. That kind of experience is hard to come by. Either he or my father have been employed as stewards of this land since 1956 when I was a year old. Yep. I don't get out much.

So, as my therapist would say "Here's the thing." Everybody has an opinion about what is right and wrong and it's all good because nobody here on earth is the absolute truth. Big Ernie gave us quite intelligent minds to figure out how to deal with shit like inequality and lack of honesty in interpersonal dealings. The current political system addresses neither of these issues OR the glaring disregard of the feds for our personal freedoms. When your home government has agencies that do stuff that NOBODY knows about, it's time to hunker down.

I will vote, oh YES INDEED I will cast my vote because it is my right. Mine will cancel out the one of my friend's dad who is a raging tea party freak and so proud of it he even has a flag! I feel sure I'll pay five bucks to see Jon Stewart and O'Reilly do their thing. And then, it will be time for Santa Claus. The past few years around here have been incredibly lean with hugs and candy replacing any sort of bought and wrapped gifts. There is always a tree though, decorated with almost sixty years worth of memories. Money can't buy you that, only living.

My friend Two Dogs is getting married Saturday which just happens to be BG's birthday so I'm figuring we'll combine celebrations and throw down. A native American, she explained to me how an Indian woman would name her child after the first thing she saw following the delivery, thus all the wolf and sky references. Two dogs is short for what they were doing, which is f**cking. Hey..you can't make this shit up.

Happy hump day to all ya'll and your momma'n'them.

sick day

It takes a lot to put me to bed but yesterday it wasn't a choice but a necessity to keep from throwing up every 5 minutes. By the time I got home from buying AC filters and allergy meds, I was wobbling so bad I barely made it to BG's bed where I lay, on and off, until the nausea went away late afternoon. Miserable ain't the word ya'll. What started as a three day crying jag last weekend progressed through a week of cotton spraying and corn plowing until it finally took me down. The toxicity of those chemicals is such that you can taste it in your mouth as it hangs in the air for a few days. Ragweed is in full bloom as are all the other little spots of color. Mucinex is a wonder drug, just saying. So is singulair. Vertigo is not for sissies.

I feel like I'm coming out of a fog which I suppose is true. The past week was quite heavy emotionally for a lot of people including Jacob's family and friends. I cannot imagine being 19 years old and carrying the coffin of your best friend. Happens more and more though with multiple wars raging. I'm praying that Big Ernie has a plan for all this drama because it's pretty damn scary for the 99.9% of us peaceful inhabitants to be held hostage by extremists on both sides. The media plays a large role in that and should be held accountable. To yank that video from YouTube after half the world has watched it would be beside the point. The point is one con-man who hates Muslims found a war to start anarchy and hasn't been charged with a thing. He supposedly is on probation with the feds and goes by several aliases while producing porn and whatnot. I try not to wish harmful things on anybody, but I'd like to see a rocket launched to take both him AND Terry Jones out with one poof. That is not the god I know, people. Take the camera off of some of the bad shit and tell a happy story. Use your power to end wars and make peace, not incite violence.

My personal opinion is at this point all but military presence in the offended countries should be ended until further notice. Screw a bunch of trying to keep the embassy standing. They DO NOT want us there and will do anything to prove it. Enough. Enough. ENOUGH!!! Somebody has to be the one to sit first at the table with humility and talk about the big picture or we all end up dead. Those people are having conversations now that weren't possible prior to this year and Arab Spring. Iran has nuclear? Don't give them reason to hate our country enough to use it here. Do not strike first but be prepared and carry a big stick. Had we been protecting our homeland for the past decades, this wouldn't be happening now.

Me and the grands went to you know where this morning and had you know what. It's so freakin' predictable. Mom suggested going somewhere else and daddy said "unh unh" so there you go. Eggs it is! We meandered on over to the dollar store and picked up a few (non)essentials that the just had to have and then it was towards the lane in the trusty old Camry. She should really have a name. Any suggestions? I know I've called her bitch on several occasions but I really didn't mean it. It took the miracle of several friends at the Toyota dealership to allow me to keep that car following a known oil gel issue. My cousin pushed through engine replacement right before the warranty went. Thanks Kenny! Love you forever.

the honor in brotherhood

I don't know about ya'll but all this embassy burning and fence climbing is about to scare the SHIT of of this old girl. The sad part is that most middle easterners believe that all of us are like the few idiots that they see desecrating somebody else's faith and think that it's okay..nay, even required of a true soldier for "the cause". To hell with those people. There is ONE GOD to whom worship is praised and prayers thrown out to by billions of believers worldwide. That Mittens Romney took an opportunity to throw a dirty election year punch at the leader of our country during such a serious time makes me even more scared that the radicals will win this pivotal election. He even lost an electoral vote today when this lady decided that she could not in good conscience put her vote with him after the dirty way the party did Ron Paul. That's my thing with the party period. If you're gonna be in the game at least pick somebody a little more moderate and trustworthy. And it wouldn't hurt if he didn't get born with a shitload of money.

We have been to the cemetery today behind a long procession of others to the funeral and burial of our friend Jacob. Our tribes have been intertwined for a lot of years and in times of loss, I figure we can at least say I love you in person. I was struck by the bravery of the ones who sought to honor his memory and talk with tears flowing and snot slinging about what a ray of sunshine he was to the world. I sat between BG and Shay watching the pictures flash on the screen of him as a baby and there was never one where he wasn't full grin. And we cried. The UGLY cry! I was also happy to see a whole bunch of guys crying too because that's a healthy thing for men to learn as young gentlemen. Believe me boys, it will pay off down the road. Women really don't think any less of you. The music was inspiring and happy. His exhausted family was just ready to let it go. Plus it was hot as blue blazes. My eye was on Lester the entire time when I could manage it, and there was once when I saw her wandering out of the church by herself that I thought to myself "who's got her?". And then Kevin popped out of nowhere. This young man with a shirt and tie on is the same one that showed up out here ten years ago barefoot lookin' like a hippie with a day off.

I don't remember the first time that I knew what death really was, as in losing someone who has been an integral and stable part of your life. Both my parents and siblings are living and well, kinda sorta'. The bad news is that living in the middle of a farm that employs toxic practices to manage output is not in the best interest of my free radicals or a workable plan for the future of mother earth. As a healthcare provider I've been in the unique situation of being available during the course of treatment for most of my family. Had I not headquartered here all these years life could have been a whole lot harder doctor wise. Just saying. Those perks don't exist anymore what with everybody scared of treating for fear of legal retaliation. If it weren't for the handful of southern gentleman counselors that I know, I'd kill 'em all tonight.

The blog fairy hit just when I thought she had forgot me so everybody at the house has a beverage or six and there will be food. I find this a most excellent way of celebrating the end of this week and this day. I always told every kid that ever walked through our revolving doors to "remember who you are." Most of them listened ^j^

remembering well

Like most Americans I am thoughtful on this particular day of what we as a country have been through for the past ten or so years. Beginning with a demon's vengeful planning that spanned SIX months in the intelligence patter of our country, the whole thing went down on a normal September morning changing our worlds forever. The fact that corporate offices of some of the biggest Wall street players were in one of those towers, it was easy to see that the targets were strategically planned. Pentagon? Check. Inside of that building sat a newly conservative bunch of war mongers who swiftly blamed it all on Saddam and went ballistic in the middle east as a show of power to those who dared to mess with our great country. Always remember, pride comes before a fall.

The man that I memorialized on the DC Roe website in late September of that year was the executive director of the Port Authority of New York, only a few months into the job following a career in banking. Neil David Levin, a handsome man just a year older than myself with a lovely wife and some girls. He was a high roller among those who perished that day yet the widow's pain was no less nor the children's cries of sadness less pathetic. How could this happen to us? We are AMERICA by God! And that attitude is precisely what made us sitting ducks for terrorists who hate western ways.

I do believe in separation of church and state which means no mandatory prayer in a public school setting. And no political pressure from conservatives to make sure that the god they believe in is the only one because frankly....that one scares the hell out of me. The abortion issue is one that seriously comes to mind when thinking about how far we've come in basic civil rights and how easy they are to lose. To say that life begins at conception is, in my opinion, ludicrous considering how that little cluster of cells can't even begin to live on its' own for over 28 weeks. I appreciate the good happy thoughts of those who wish to save those embryos and adopt them out but really? There are times when that's not a choice either ethically speaking.

Our friend has been all over the news and stuff because of his death from meningitis on a college campus which is a hotbed for breeding that particular disease. When someone turns up in a hospital setting with that kind of death, it's a reportable highly freak outable health issue. Everybody gets treated "just in case." That being said, I've seen several folks recover from near death sickness because they were treated in time. The rapid 24 hour progression of symptoms ends up with tiny bruises on the skin called petechiae. By then, it's too late. Caused by a normally harmless bacteria, it spreads rapidly through the spinal fluid and heads to the meninges, the covering of the brain.

Yes, I realize I'm all over the place today but I'm in a mood so bear with me. My KY cuz and I talked politics this morning sharing the horror stories about R&R and what if. It is so terribly clear to us old timers what has happened in our neck of the woods because we've seen such incredible things in our lifetime that will never be experienced by others. The end of integration comes to mind. Civil rights and their restoration. The joys of growing up as a baby boomer not having to lock a door or have a worry because you have a phone, even if it's on a party line. Not a particularly smart one either ;)

Here's to you Neil. Had it not been for that day of hell I would never have known you and your family. In some odd way that's the blessing of 9/11. The tragedy gave us all reason to slow down and remember who we are.

^j^

the babbling agnostic

I am officially 57 years old and blessed in more ways than some folks could ever imagine. The purge that resulted from two days of crying is just what this old bag of bones needed to get up and try it again. How lovely that prayers are answered in somewhat odd ways at times. The $$ is something that most people I know are struggling with. At least we have jobs here even if I fail to keep things in order money wise. There's just never enough to go around and that's pretty demeaning for someone who has busted her ass for years saving lives through corporate. However, I got so many freakin' birthday surprises that I could not even begin to send thank you notes to everybody. Ya'll just know that you made my day!


Following a morning appointment, we were chilling in BG's room when she found something on FB that filled her with horror...her childhood friend's baby brother is dead of meningitis at 21. Seems he went to an ER and was sent home and then came back with a full fledged case of it dying after transfer. Jacob was the little brother that BG never had, the one who was always up in their business being a pest and telling on 'em. I have a mental pic of the three of them in my kitchen home from Nashvegas for a visit. Our response was immediate and quick...busted out bawling as the reality of yet another loss sank in. Fair? Hell no. Any life that doesn't get to grow to potential is a big fat blob of sadness that can only be honored by living well and paying tribute to the fact that THIS particular life wasn't wasted.

Otherwise, I'm still sick of right wingers telling me that the world's gonna end if we give the president four more years to try to "fix it." That the jobs outlook is bleak is something that began in 2007 and is at a point where jobs can be brought home to employ our people. Sure, you have to pay 'em a fair wage but in the long run? The country supports itself. Get out of the Middle East pronto. More lives and money are being wasted every day over a conflict that is not ours, outside of oil. That can be fixed if the middle men who are brokering the whole thing will get their heads out of ass and drill safely where it can be done without destroying wildlife. Since the ethanol as fuel craze ended up a bust because all the corn goes to feed the wildlife that died in the drought this year...see what I mean? There is a consequence for everything, but we always adapt and move forward.

Do I believe in a loving god? Always, but I know deep in my spiritual self that even the great one can't keep bad things from happening. All we can do is hang together through the thick and thin of it and seize the day.

^j^

it's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to

Actually it started yesterday as I allowed sheer desperation to take over rather than reaching out for help in a normal sort of way. You'd be surprised how many people won't do that very thing. Instead they end up with guns that are bought from the arms dealers whick run our precious little world and threaten to blow it to smithereens or some other self destructive type of behavior. Sometimes technology ain't such a grand thing, especially when in the wrong hands. Anywho, I started the ugly cry yesterday and as usual it lingered over onto my freakin' birthday at work. My friend was so sweet that when she saw me bust out over breakfast money her precious little self went and got us a cake and some bologna which made my day. We were both born in Baird Brewer hospital on the corner of Church and McGaughey back on 9/9/55. I cried all day today in spurts, mourning the loss of my youth when anything is possible and facing the reality that today's world is not very friendly.

However, as Big Ernie would have it, my dear friends showed up with a hug or call as I trudged my way down to our homeplace to see my parents. My mother's shaky illegible signature is still readable and the envelope read "janie poo poo". Only a mother would remember that. Had to give daddy his allergy shot so we could stay on schedule and whatnot and then we just looked at each other like "what now?" I left there with 20 bucks and a hugeass ice cream cake to be divided somewhat equally between BG and myself during our month long celebration. I'm thinking I'll probably cut her initials out and save that part for her.

By the time I got up the lane and toward the house the dogs were ready to welcome me back to Casa Poops. That's why we can't keep a back door in working order because they're out of the gate to protect momma et al at all times. You just never know who might come staggering up the hill on a mission to spray "BITCH" on the roof of the ancient dairy barn. I still refuse to believe that was meant for me. AO helped me unload the ancient Camry that was recently emptied of barn wood so I could get some place to have a beer.

Which is where I am now. Today I plead with God to show me the way and take the pain from me. It's nobody's fault, just a whole bunch of post-Bush era politics with a very weak response from the one who got elected four years ago. The corporate bailouts were horrendous and served only to pad the pockets of ex and newly contracted CEOs. My favorite Sunday morning treat is watching Charles Osgood at work. Yes, in the waiting room...sue me. Kay now tunes in with or without me and I love that. Doing 16 hour shifts is no fun and she's a year older than me with a whole lot more on her plate. Just saying.

Love all ya'll ^j^

cherish is the word

Times are hard ya'll when the ones of us who usually have breakfast money are found to be counting pennies for dollar menu takeout. The trickle down has finally hit home. What I see happening is a growing unrest among the highly taxed middle class which may or may not end up being an anarchy sort of thing. When you're working hard and paying to take care of people on both ends of the spectrum in income. The GOP attempts to put a big fat happy God is Great face on it and I don't think that Big Ernie could at ALL be pleased with our greedy ecologically destructive ways. Meanwhile the red dog is still circling the house but the porch is blocked off so he can't crawl under it. Last I saw, he was chilling on an antique chair up front, both of them enjoying the fall like breeze.

I got an email from my cousin who lives off the coast of Washington telling me happy birthday and describing how she grabs a toddy and devours what I write about! Because she knows all the players, it's especially interesting. Also got a half price card from Paducah KY which tickled the SHIT out of me. I'm telling ya'll..when the apocalypse shows up, I hope I'm with those two. With a basement full of canned and frozen produce they're good to go. Right now I'm listening to a CD of Linda Ronstadt who is totally my hero, made by a friend. *waves at kevin*

Many years ago there was a series of books about not sweating the small stuff and I still have my volume. My definition of the size of said stuff is to do two or three things mostly basic life functions like breathing, waking up to see another sunrise and whatnot. Otherwise, you're six feet under or blowin' in the wind! Unless of course you become a Dung beetle like Old Hoss did.

^j^

happy birthday to me

I found it slightly humorous that the staff of my local bank were the first ones to send me a card. That stuff pays off in the fees they charge, just saying. I ran into an old friend today who is the most gracious host and wonderful person I've yet to know. Boy Scout to the bone, ya'll His family is Catholic and his wife's Methodist so they get along pretty well. If ritual works? Go for it. I've noticed that in my father's behavior that church is one event he hones in on even though mom is just over the whole thing. She's paid her dues and done Jesus like things for a lot of people. That's the definition of a godly woman if I ever heard one. She was one of the original home bound communion stewards at FUMC. And then she gave us all a pewter necklace with the cup on it. That's just how my mama rolls..ya'll would love her to pieces.

Autumn is coming across the Big Muddy with storms and lightning bringing much cooler temps by the weekend which I consider a total blessing. I do so hate to sweat. I'm looking more and more toward a location with more, shall we say, "moderate" temperatures. Summer in the south is like one big sweatball with kudzu and flies on the side. I feel really bad for those poor people on the gulf coast just barely getting power back and in a freakin' swamp. Some friends of mine have taken on the task of cleaning out the basement of this old house. Two fires in one week dudes..way to burn!

Speaking of mama she just called to let me know they're in the dark from the t'storm and that's just MAJOR with a dementia patient. If he only knew what a clusterfuck the rest of our world is. As a liberal with a conservative devil within, I'm very disappointed in this election season in particular. Technology has allowed photo shopping of anybody's face into whatever media will buy into it to feed the curiosity of the masses. It's almost Halloween in the 'burg which is the anniversary of when this one particular gal went missing and got found in a graveyard two months later, snug in a kudzu pile right next to an electric cross visible to all those who travel highway 78 to Lake county. If a small town sheriff who knows how to use that technology and play the waiting game can be the hero, so be it. I'm past all that.

I'm thinking I might get a bra for my birthday but then BG and I have to share so it won't last long. I remember my 29th birthday, pregnant as a goose. My ankles were swollen from walking the concrete floors at the sawmill with a phlebotomy tray while on call for sixteen hours. My pay was roughly ten bucks an hour, with a BS. Currently my daughter is employed by a mom and pop type store on a bluff in Nauvoo selling bait and beer. Also a BS not yet paid off to the evil ones. Where the HELL does this madness end? I suggest Occupy Bankruptcy and bear with me on this concept. We hire a bunch of corporate lawyers to do a class action suit for "we the people" and we just kind of check out on the government of this great country. Ya'll wanna garnish my wages as a baby boomer who has lived the American dream and saw it go by the wayside? Sue me and pay my attorney millions of dollars for defense. Oh, no...wait. That's OJ and all them. My favorite song ever is "Get Over It" from the HFO disc by the Eagles. It's the only song I ever knew by heart enough to sing on karaoke night at Bev's. There was this really mysterious PD sitting nearby. I saw him a few times after but he didn't seem interested in what I had to say. Just on an ego trip, I think.

^j^

deja vu

Going through the old days has got me to thinking of my life as a whole bunch of separate dramas that just randomly happen and then draw other people in to bond us for an intense period of time, long enough that it's okay not to call unless it's an emergency. Besides there's text! I was gazing at the Nixon bumper sticker from 1972 and wondering where the hell my head was. It surely wasn't into politics. More than likely I was just running around doing what nice little southern girls do, except maybe now and then when I had a wild spell. The night I got caught when I tried to sneak back in the house was about the worst thing that happened. What we will do for boys ;) BG's one time to get caught was with the law sitting in the living room at 4:30 AM putting she and her best friend on a "person of interest" list to scare the shit out of them. Guess what? It didn't work. The other parents and I have run interference for all of our collective kids over the years and there are so many stories to remember.

One particular situation that just pissed me OFF involved an off duty police officer who was obsessed with her friend Shay and he threw open the propped doors where they were partying and proceeded to bust every one of 'em for various "criminal offenses". They were all minors so the one beer that sat next to BG got her along with several buddies. God bless Don and Blanca for taking over that night! It takes a village, ya know? When BG told me about the illegal entry I promptly sat my pissed off self down and wrote a letter to the chief of police after consulting my pro-bono attorney friend. He said he thought the chief would "like to know." It wasn't, by any means, one of those letters about how my kid didn't do wrong but how the due process of the law was used by someone in a position of power while messing with minors. Within a year he was fired for some other similar type offense, divorced and left town. Justice? You bet your sweet ass.

There has been no similar justice from the incident with the ten dolla' bad check and accompanying stolen court fees which resulted in an arrest for BG (her first!) and a whole pile of money paid out by her father and I to keep her from going back there. Seems as if the money taker lady at that particular city hall had sticky fingers and cash payments often didn't make it to the judge. No receipt, no proof. It had been a year.

Anyhoo..all of that is history and I try not to look back except to re-visit life lessons like even OWNING a bumper sticker pimping a man who authorized government endorsed spying. No wonder he resigned. I have been pretty much non-partisan up until Dubya's little two term bad dream and when I look at R#R all I see is more of the same. The same what, you ask? Ah.Things like supporting big financial interests with wars and whatnot. My friend Joe went back to Iraq after he was discharged as a highly paid consultant. That's where a lot of the money went to the "War on Whatever." Even after the contract folks ended up swinging on the bridge! Thank goodness he's decided to be a CRNA. Much safer! Things like bailouts for ANY corporation that can't make their budget come out close. Things like continuing to pour futile healthcare dollars into a system that is profit driven in the realm of diagnostics, particularly allied health services like lab and x-ay.

I have given myself permission, if you will, to sit back and let the world twirl without my mother's voice telling it what to do. When I'm off, I sleep like a baby for 12 hours straight. BP is normal for the first time in years and that makes me feel kinda weird. Finally accepting the fact that organization is necessary in some form or fashion, I've got me a little pill box with daily meds in it. I have two roommates who have full time jobs and enjoy the things I like. In my book, life doesn't get much better than that.

^j^

free day

There aren't many of those on my calendar that come at the end of a weekend so I'm living it up and having a ball digging through memories of my life. The finds are random and stir up all kinds of stuff I had totally forgotten. A program from when I played Mrs. Keller in the DSCC production about Helen's family. My long lost Irish setter Brandy played the dog! Even then I was a dog lover. She had a litter or two of puppies that I sold before she got down with heartworm disease. A beautiful copper color, she was as gentle as the day is long.

That was when I was madly in love with a guy who somehow popped into my life after being raised in Chicago the rough way. My family adopted him as one of our own and my brothers tormented me mercilessly while I tried to court.

I was a student at what was then Memphis State doing the required course work to get into medical technology school at UT Memphis. Following two years at DSCC making perfect scores I found myself in huge classes with professors who really didn't care that I had problems...suck it up and learn organic chemistry and quantitative analysis all in the same semester. With German and parasitology for good measure. I thought I had died and gone to the devil. The B's and C's and one D that I got managed to move me toward the next step though. Med tech school was so hard I threatened to jump out the 9th floor dorm window until my mama showed up to talk me out of quittin' three months shy of graduation. I graduated in June '77 and went to work in Dyersburg that August. Been there ever since. How's that for loyalty? Many times I think I've just been lazy..preferring to stay close to home and hearth until there is no reason to cruise back up the lane again. So many old timers come out here and just drive around remembering when they were kids and played on this very land. It was quite the little community with a school and everything. Helen and her kids lived in it until it burned.

Mr. Council was a horseman who lived in the house that I'm in. For fifty years he was the king of this hill and generations of kids learned to ride on horses that were boarded here. His last ten years were as a widower so you can imagine what it looked like pre-makeover. Built in 1918, the house has a full basement and attic which aren't used except for storage. His signature is scrawled across the concrete wall of the basement with paint. And a date! So are all the junior high chalk messages from the numerous make out parties that BG and her bunch had. What the hell was I thinking???????

It is a mighty peaceful place and I feel fortunate to have lived here most of my life. I am trying to remember the don't own/can't defend rule and pray that the heirs of this land will treat it kindly and without greed. The ancient pecan trees that frame the lane are a legacy to all those who have come before me.

afraid to forget

I just randomly called my mom yesterday while daddy was out on a coffee run and we had the opportunity to talk easily and without him pitching a fit in the background. His slavery to ritual is a demon that holds her hostage as he wanders his way through the end of his earthly days. It bothers me, yet the decision is hers alone at this point. All I can do is monitor meds and watch for falls. Mama said she thinks that the reason he's that way is because he's trying so hard to remember something that will make everything go back to the way it used to be. Isaac is still in our area, now a weak tropical depression. The rain has been heavenly and just in time for farmers to save a little face following the beating that corn took. BG and I both have birthdays this month so September is pretty special. I got us new towels at the dollar store today...happy b'day Virgo gals. Come to think of it, we should just have a treat every day this month. We're hooked on dilly bars from the local DQ and I've gained five pounds, but that's okay. I'm fat and sassy. It's kind of a relief considering the "unexplained" 30 lb loss over a year's time. I was about to think I had the big C or something. Coming home this morning I ran across a couple of pickups hauling a big grill and the Camry came perilously close to slipping into the kudzu as I passed. Dove season is a big deal around here and always a good occasion for a cookout. The first time I saw one field dressed I about fainted. Seriously. For a farmer's daughter, I'm still pretty girlie. The great dane promptly got out of doggie jail and landed at our house again along with a pack including two pit bull puppies. How nice. And then red dog came back around as well. Faith tried to start some shit with the puppies under the porch so they're probably history. Somehow these dogs know that my friend dropped off 75 pounds of dog food this week. How did they figure that out? Nah. It's because Pretty Girl is in heat again. I feel some serious piddling and picking through stuff coming on today and tomorrow. Monday will be one of rest to honor my labor. Ya'll keep 'em straight out there ^j^