i am okay, kinda'

I still have my original copy of "I'm okay you're okay" from back in the 70s.  That was my first experience with therapy.  I have been a fan ever since then.  Sure, we tend to overthink.  But in my opinion that is healthy when it brings memories and people together.

My BFF picked up a couple of dogs on 412 E right past the Madison County line.  As it turned out, they were evidence in a murder investigation.  So there's these 2 dogs and Reaves riding back to Jackson and she immediately began trying to locate the owner.  I see this turning out well, if you know what I mean.  It takes a village, 'ya know.

Patty came out to pick pecans today and did pretty well.  I was gone all day and when I came home all the lights were out.  Thanks Bubba!  

Y'all keep the faith ^j^

and then there were none

I have never "not" had a dog.  In fact I have had three at a time because living in the country is a wonderful life for a pet.  I woke up to find Oscar asleep on the bathroom floor and me with a huge bag leak at 5:30.  I knew that my vet friend was coming at 7:15 so I got cleaned up and waited sadly for him to arrive.  Positioning myself on the floor he was in my lap and I cradled his head while the doc checked him out and did the deed.  Most of my pets have just died and we buried them with the exception of Butterbean who had a broken back and couldn't stand or even sit.  We propped her up with pillows and except for that she was alert and happy.  Lauren was driving and I was holding BB in my lap when Sam darted in front of the car sensing that something was wrong and we HIT him.  LP headed onto the vet and I stayed back to look for Sam.  He was fine and lived many more years until I was at home recovering from the near death surgery.  My sweet neighbor Gerald buried him in front of the old barn out back of the old house.  In the rain and cold.

I missed our porch time today but I know that he is not suffering anymore.  I have this special cake that gets made for one friend per year.  Triple fudge bundt cake coming y'alls way.  One year Ellie ate the top off of one of them and I just filled it in with icing.  You have to put that shit up HIGH for labs!

I've never hesitated to try and save animals from an untimely death.  We learned early on that if  you don't do spay there will be 15 interbed kittens in the basement.  True story.  Penny died down there at the foot of the basement steps.  I think the coyotes got Miller.  We have had sooooo many that I can't remember all their names.  But I remember how they loved me.  Rosie is staying close which is good.  I could use a good snuggle buddy for the winter.  I hear the rednecks over in Middle City shooting so I guess it's almost bed time.  Thank you all for your compassion.  And remind me to tell you the story about the dawgs that BG picked up ^j^

doggie hospice

Oscar is, shall we say...."slowing down."  He does not seem to be in distress unless he's up and about.  I am acting as his advocate and medicating appropriately but the time is coming soon when I will have to haul him in to the clinic for the shots and burial.  I wish it could happen here.  I feel sure I could find some grave diggers in the neighborhood.  

I remember making this very same decision regarding my parents about 7 years ago.  When the suffering renders life with no quality, it's time to go across the rainbow bridge.  It is a very important decision and not one that I ever took lightly.  I have two trusted relatives in charge of my end of life care.  My funeral is being paid for monthly.  In that respect, I do plan ahead.

Me and Mamye went grocery shopping today and spent some quality time together.  She is still pretty rattled after her wreck and I can relate.  I'm just far enough away from mine to be able to drive without freaking out but I am constantly on the lookout for idiots.  They drive among us.

I'm ready to get that fake tree out of the attic but I'll need help and will have to clear off the stairs first.  LP will help with that of course.  She is the stager from heaven.

Y'all have a lovely friyay as Paige would say.  And keep the faith ^j^

dear santa

I have tried very hard to be good this year, seriously.  Sometimes I was and other times I wasn't.  The thing with me is that when I know I've done something to hurt someone else I realize it and ask for forgiveness.  Otherwise, I'm miserable with guilt.

We had a great Thanksgiving meal today in shifts.  Bubba came first and then LP and Reaves.  Bubba got my gas logs lit which is a bitch when you let the propane run out like I did in April.  They work in tandem with the thermostat to keep a consistent temp in the living room.  He also diagnosed the Barbie bike and did some WD-40.  The final diagnosis is that the training wheels are too low.  She is six, ya' know.  We picked up pecans what few there are, and spent some time outdoors in the sun.  I was sittin' on the porch and she served me toast and juice from the toybox.  Meanwhile, her Mama took a brief rest before tickle-fight started and it was ON!  

So, back to Santa.  I have a long list which is not like me but I'm feeling pretty blessed this year so here you go:

Peace on Earth

Sugardaddy'

Relief from chronic pain

A peaceful ending for my dear friend Oscar

Energy to clean up this mess and start over for Christmas.

The ability to work and pay the bills

Peace on earth 2.0

A closer relationship with my God and His will for me

To become more of a doer than a dreamer

New tennis shoes

The beach.  Any beach with sand

Oh, and always Reece's dark thins from Kroger or the 'gentral.

I know all you people already have your trees up but not me yet.  The first thing to come out of the attic will be Mama's nativity scene.  It's old as the hills but still intact except for maybe a donkey's head.  

Y'all keep the faith ^j^

thankful

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  That is pretty much my motto.  I am so thankful for those who have helped me along the way and I won't name anybody but you "know who you are."  Same for the ones who have helped my family and the least of these.  When you give expecting nothing in return, miracles happen.  Just the next right thing, y'all.

We all have aches and pains and struggles.  I'm sittin' here listening to Oscar cough and wheeze knowing that his time is short.  I suppose I have been selfish in letting him live this way this long but when they are still up and exploring it's hard to do the deed.  I seriously wish I knew a vet who would just come here and be compassionate.  If this boy could talk he would tell horrible tales of abuse and neglect. Until he met us.  He has a girlfriend named Libby but she is farther away.  He would always trot down the road and visit with her through the window at Patrick'n'thems house.  Back then he was one of three and the population changed constantly.  No telling how many animals are buried up at my old house.  And I think he should be too.

I went out only briefly today and got a couple of things.  Tomorrow will be packed with activity so I'm gonna' go to bed early and sleep on the side where my hip doesn't hurt.  Hell I may just sleep in the recliner and watch a movie until I doze off.  It was Mama's and BG has Daddy's.  

So first of all, thank you to all people who don't get the holiday off with their family.  I learned a long time ago that when that happens, you get flexible and somehow manage to have a meal together, with grace.  Thank you big to those who have helped me and mine financially when times were hard.  Mama always told me just to pay everybody something a little bit of what you have and they know you are trying.  Communication is key with creditors.  

It's still cold, cloudy and windy, but no rain.  I am warm and not in a war zone.  I am not in Brazil dying to see Taylor Swift.  Israel is kind of sort playing nice if they're not spinning a story.  The carnage has really upset me because of the fact that so many innocents have died in response to a terrorist attack.  Hamas is not Palestine.  They are a radical group wanting to pick a fight and they got one.  Sounds like a breeding ground for future terrorists like in the Middle East.  I know, I think too much.

Why can't we all just believe in one God and worship with all of our hearts?  That's the part I don't understand.  There are a kazillion Protestant denominations and even they don't agree.  I say live and let live and have faith that God sort it out.  That means letting go of control ^j^

happy birthday mama

It is your 90th birthday in heaven with all the saints!  I gotta' tell you that your BG and her BG are being blessed daily, just like me.  It rained all day and i was out and about in my car doing private instacart.  Sort of what Bubba did for y'all. I gladly ran interference with the medical stuff and so did Lauren.  In the end, you were surrounded by family and saw an angel, prolly your Daddy, welcoming you to heaven.  

I have one very sick dog up in my house right now and I remember when we brought Sam to you after Timmy D convinced me to take him as a pup. There have been so many.  But all of them knew that they were safe with us.  Poor Butterbean got kicked off the steps by Faith and her back broke some years later.  That was the saddest thing.  She was alert and happy but couldn't walk.  Anywho, me and Lauren took off to do the deed and lo and behold Sammy D ran right in front of the car and landed in the field somewhere.  I stayed there to find him and he did, indeed, show back up.  Butterbean did not.

Faith died of pyometra at age 11 after being bred for the first time.  Talk about a disaster!  Lots of puppies and several deaths.  Lauren and I watched them crawl around and see who was gonna' survive.  We are  cooking up your recipes this week in anticipation of full attendance of four.  I already have the table laid out and the house "somewhat" clean.  Thank you for teaching me to speak out and use my talents.  Love you forever ^j^

talent

Today was a miracle like what Jesus would do.  In a parable sort of way.  MB is a master at weaving all that stuff together to bring a point home.  Because she taught me in SS I understood what I was speaking about as lay liturgist.  That is huge.

I'm thinking about Thanksgiving past and remember one in particular.  It was right before I moved down here to the cabin and me, Uncle Bubba, Lauren and Reaves ate on a folding table.  We did have an oven so all dishes cooked at Charlie's house were properly heated up.  I think it lasted about 30 minutes and involved multiple people!  As a matter of fact, I still have to-go containers.  

I have no answers here.  It seems as though the world is coming apart and I cannot do anything but pray.  Sometimes that's enough ^j^

cat on a cold tin roof

Rosie has been spending a lot of time outside lately so it doesn't surprise me when she is not in the house at wakeup time.  This morning I was on the laptop scrolling away and I kept hearing a cat meow.  Normally when she wants in she is right by the front door but I didn't see her so I went back to my business and still heard the cat.  There has been one hanging around that I haven't seen but heard so I assumed it was the ghost cat.  It kept getting louder and louder and I walked out on the porch only to find Rosie peering down at me from the front porch roof.  She would NOT jump, even though I knew she could.  I don't have a big ladder and if I did I would fall and break a hip so I pondered a few minutes before calling my neighbor Keith with an "unusual" request.  He just chuckled when I told him and came on down with the ladder.  Rosie saw all that action and the minute he reached the roof she jumped off the other side.  Little witch!  I have no clue how she got up there but now I know she can get down without help!

Oscar is still hanging in there in spite of coughing spells.  I'm medicating him which helps at night when he gets settled down and he still eats, drinks and goes for walks so the vet told me it's not time yet.  You will know when attitude and appetite go away, he said.  I just can't bear to do it when he's still right on my heels with every step I make.  He's my little road dog.

I ran a few errands and had lunch with my bestie and now am at the homestead where I love being.  I've been on the porch a lot lately soaking up the last of our gorgeous weather which is coming to an end soon.  Pecans are still not falling in a big way but they are up there just waiting for another big freeze and or wind.  I have been very stingy with the heat but the time is coming that it will have to do its' thing burning propane by the minute.  It is one week until Thanksgiving and things are looking good here on the sides department.  

Y'all hang in there and remember who you are ^j^

numb

I had three root tips and a tooth pulled this morning in preparation for an upper denture early next year.  I have a pretty high pain tolerance and nitrous helped me through the injections on both sides up top.  I was sucking it in like crazy.  The root tips were first and I was so excited when it was over quickly that I was kicking my legs in the air!  "Cool!" was my reply to the dentist.  Next was the tooth on the other side and it went well also.  I'm still numb from all those shots but at least it's over.  

My mother and daughter's organizational skills are kicking in just in time for the holidays.  I am once again in love with sorting and baskets and everything in its' place. Kinda' sorta'.  More later on that valiant effort.  I have a ton of clothes to donate here.  Most have been washed and are bagged up but too heavy for me to tote.  There is an adorable little sweater dress for a toddler girl but I think it's too little for Reaves.  We'll see.

Mashed potatoes are thawing and I'm seriously wishing I had gotten canned beans instead of that big old bag.  I have never understood the wash and sort part.  Soaking, I'm down with.  And add some pork.  Just a little!  Or turkey or tilapia.  Mama would be so proud of how I've branched out from strictly Southern fried.

Her 90th birthday is November 20th so y'all send her a big old holla' up there in heaven.  There will be cake and bridge and lots of organizing.  With faith ^j^ 

hope

Our stewardship campaign is in high gear and I love the way that our congregation does what they can.  It doesn't always have to be money...maybe time or service.  I've done those type jobs and it gives you a different perspective on how the other folks live from hand to mouth.  There are generational cycles of poverty and abuse that affect the "littles" and then they grow up to be angry.  Or mentally ill and lost as a goose.  Yes, we indeed have a problem.  There have been so many school shootings in the southeast that it should scream NRA, but no.  Because we're red.

The death penalty in Tennessee is again active with somewhat over a hundred inmates being held for decades at a time for things that, sometimes they didn't do.  Prosecutors can be tough and unless there is a great big table of nice lookin' lawyers sitting there you are out of luck.  Much of it is racial bias because we are, ya' know.  Dixieland and all that.  

Anywho, here we are.  I was today years old when I learned that the UMC is against the death penalty.  I know that I personally was but it was nice to hear it read out of that book of discipline. My time at Dyersburg FUMC has been what keeps me out of the ditches most of the time.  Well, except when an 18 wheeler hits me!

I'm scheduled to have some root tips pulled this week and have an ear infection so I'm kind of like...one thing at a time.  Poopie gave me a hard time last night but it's because I ate roasted pecans.  I just could NOT help it they're so good.  Thanks Mom for that recipe and many many more.  

I'll be cooking enough for an army on Thanksgiving like mama always did so if you don't have a place to eat come on out.  And bring a chair ^j^ 

doing all the things

My friend told me to shut down the ADHD shit yesterday and focus on the task at hand which was grocery shopping and figuring out how to get the trusty Escape back in my driveway.  Both of us enjoyed that white hatchback with a smooth ride and many less miles that mine.  However, I'm only at 115K and I've had her three years.  Bubba went with me to pick out the car and we test drove it down the road and back from Gene Langley.  His opinion was "if you can afford the payment, this is a good deal."  Eventually I could not, so my angel friends paid it off after they looked at the interest rate which was like ummm 24% for 5 years.  Bless you.

I noticed when I got in this morning that there was a tire pressure message so I know the way to Lake Road Amoco and Les let some air out of the new one but it still pulls to the left.  My ass will be back at B and M in the morning for somebody to take a look see.  I may be a girl, but I notice when my car ain't acting right.  Lerd!

Saturday will be Jackson day for me and my girls.  Who knows what we'll get into.  Jackson is a very cool place to live if you're not in a high crime area.  The history there is amazing including all of Lambuth and their glory.  It is now run by the University of Memphis and my dear friend is on the nursing faculty.   If i had a do-over I would be a nurse.  Same education requirements and not stuck in a big cubicle.  Hands on, so to speak.

Everything that I learned about end of life care was at that facility.  As I became more interested in the hospice philosophy, I sort of outgrew the diagnostic side and explored.  When my parents died there, it was a sign to me personally to move on.  They were both volunteers not only at the hospital but with the Lifeline Blood board of directors.  

My employment there offered an opportunity to be with other family members as well.  Memama.  Gaga.  Bill.  Aunt Nancy.  Thankfully I did not die there because I was transferred to a higher level of care.  I am still grateful for Dr. Drew Turner and what he did to save my life.  The bag gets on my nerves sometimes but I could be dead so there ya' go.  My in house ostomy nurse was amazing and trained me best as she could.  I was sent home with a catalog from Hollister and no clue how to take care of Poopie.

That came later with home health.  I was using a wound vac and trying to stay "not shitty" but there were many middle of the night calls to that staff and they always came.  It's what healthcare practitioners do.  

I am enjoying these last two days of warm temps before the cold sets in again.  I have already used 20% of the propane I bought and it's only early November.  Lerd.  As of today the air is still on.  I was out and about all morning which led me to several different places.  My first stop was at the alignment shop where one of the guys drove my car and told me "yes", in fact, it is pulling to the left.  They were backed up so the manager told me to be there at 8 in the morning to be first in line.  Will do Justin.  Will do.

Y'all keep the faith or take a leap.  God's got you ^j^

if there is a silver lining

And the car saga continues.  I finally got it back today after borrowing and spending $707 more dollars on top of the deductible.  When it was sent to another shop for alignment they found that a bearing and tie rod needed to be replaced.  Like bad.  Like SO bad it had to have a new axle too.  I got the news this morning early and the axle report came later in the day.  I was pretty puzzled how all that damage was done ( not from the wreck BTW ) and I didn't have a clue.  All I can figure is that the wreck that didn't kill me but made me weaker was a blessing in disguise.  With that kind of damage to the front end, I could have been driving to Jackson or even to Kroger and the wheel could have gone flying. I am such a Pollyanna I have to believe that.  Meanwhile, the trucker who hit me got something that cost 18K for his rig.  I have these insurance people on speed dial.  

My last day in the rental was spent with my dear friend running errands and sharing a Reuben from Arby's.  We have settled into an easy routine where I know what to do when without much direction.  This was her first outing to the grocery store in a long time.  Next time we'll make a list before we go.  

I am pretty weary with life right now.  It seems that the hits just keep on coming and though I try to roll with it, it's hard to suck it up and put on a happy face.  The time change has really done a number on me this year.  Thinking that it was just me, the guy who drove me from the shop to the rental place said it was affecting him too.  And he's a young 'un.  Nobody ever said life was easy.  It's basically hard, and then you die so grabbing the sweet stuff as it happens is the only way to keep the faith ^j^

for all the saints

Today was a very special service at FUMC for All Saints Day.  It is always very moving as bells are rung and candles lit for church members who have died the previous year.  I remember going to the service when both my parents died and hanging onto that promise of eternal life for them, and for all of us.  We talked in SS about what may be there for us after the earthly bodies are gone and it is only by faith that we know that something better is there.  There are so many questions about what happens...will I recognize my loved ones?  Is it right away or does it take a minute.  I do know from being with those who are actively dying that angels reach out to help them pass over.  Right before Mama died she raised her hand up and pointed at something.  It comforts me to think that there was somebody there waiting for her.  Probably Daddy and her parents.  Or maybe one of her friends.  

I haven't seen the girls since my car was wrecked so I'm really missing them.  If I am able, I will go next weekend and catch up.  Our little tribe has weathered a lot and the bonds are strong.  If I make it to the age of 80 I will get to see Reaves graduate from high school, Lord willing.  And if not, I will surely be beaming down from heaven at her.  

The extra hour of sleep was welcome but still things seem a bit wonky.  I have yet to change the time on the stove or car.  I'll not worry about the car because I won't have it but one more day, hopefully.  When my car was sent for an alignment following repair, they found a bearing that needed to be replaced.  Hopefully that happened and it will be added to my total to be paid in installments.  I am close to drowning here since losing my job last month.  Another one will come along to supplement my time with my adopted mother.  We ate lunch together today and had some easy conversation, which tends to be the case with us.  

There will be a huge hole in my heart when my dear friends move to Memphis next month.  They are the ones that I sit with every week at church and DD is actually the one responsible for me getting back into the congregation some years back.  Tears are welling up right now just thinking about it.  They will be back now and then but it won't be the same.  

With faith, all things are possible.  Keep it close ^j^

fall back

It's that time again kids.  If you are a third shifter you have work an extra hour and no matter what you do it will be dark by 5PM.  I hate it!  Don't mess with mother nature.  On the upside if you like going to bed early, you're in luck.  Today is homecoming at UTK and I saw my friends Cari and Jim warming up with the band early today.  As band alumni they make a point to be there.

It's a glorious day here in the hood with farmers still kicking up dust.  It's almost over but a never ending cycle of planting, fertilizing and harvest.  Fortunately I'll be surrounded by winter wheat which is beautiful to behold.

Y'all keep the faith ^j^

hurry up and wait

Well, my car is still not fixed and the rental runs out tomorrow.  So, with the help of a dear friend I paid $134 to extend it through the weekend.  This has turned into a huge ordeal, which most things of that nature will do when dealing with insurance.  I have NEVER made a claim on this insurance policy and pay over a hundred bucks a month.  I fully expect to be either cancelled or receive a huge increase in the premium when it renews in March.  How niiice.  I am grateful that I had it and that I wasn't hurt but dang.  

My ostomy is named Poopie and she gave me fits night before last.  I had two leaks during the night and another when I got up.  I finally just took a shower yesterday morning and started over with bag number 3.  So far so good on day 2 with that one.  Ostomates vary on how often they change and I usually can't go more than 2 or 3 days without something happening to require a change.  Output for my type of ostomy tend to be liquid which causes leakage problems.  Then, when I take something for the diarrhea I end up with what is called "pancaking" which also contributes to leaks.  We walk a fine line because supplies are expensive and I pay 20% out of pocket.  Such is life.

I bought everything I need for Thanksgiving dinner yesterday plus something to eat until then because the cupboard was bare.  I abruptly lost my last sitting job with one day's notice so I'm grateful for the opportunities that have arisen to supplement my income and stay busy.  

Oscar is so much better with steroids and that makes me happy.  It isn't a fix, but it keeps him more comfortable and able to go for his walks which he dearly loves.  I think the cooler weather and rain have helped too.  I know it has for me.

Y'all keep on believing ^j^