Tuesday, April 10, 2012

guilt and shame

I've never really been one to beat myself up over stuff because I usually try really hard not to let my ego in the way and do the "right" thing, according to my beliefs. The Big 10 are a given and other than that, it's pretty much details of how new life is promised to those who quit their sinful ways. The problem comes into play when people start deciding what exactly a sin is and begin labeling others. Ain't nobody on this earth got all THOSE answers. Just saying. If I hurt someone with my behavior I try to examine my part in the relationship and how much energy I give to the negativity that can result. I can never remember intentionally causing hurt to anybody because at the time? I wasn't thinking of anybody but myself. That's how the old devil works, you see.

We are a family in transition right now, one that began about five years ago when daddy handed over the reins of the farm to my brother. With a lifetime of knowledge concerning crop cultivation on these 1000 or so acres with wooded river and sloping hills, he set out to improve on the basic farming skills that my father taught him. It didn't take the landlord long to realize that it would be stupid not to use that knowledge! And so, we bought more time here in paradise. My parents have a lifetime entitlement to the house in which we were raised. After that? We don't know. As a tenant I could stay here, but without them at home I think it would be painful for awhile. There are no job opportunities in our 'burg, with everything being shipped to China or Wall street, including basic rights.

If the world ends in five minutes, I have been more blessed than many many people in this universe and I thank Big E for that. It's terribly easy to get on the pity pot and holler wahwahwah instead of putting on the BG panties and scooping that first shovel of dirt out of the hole you're in. One, at a time. We have to believe that somewhere, somehow it will all be okay. Right?????? I feel very vulnerable right now, not just for one reason but for many. As a baby boomer who can no longer physically do a job that is LOW middle income with a handful of benefits, I'm pretty much screwed as Congress whittles away at some normal sort of overhaul to an obviously flawed and top heavy system of healthcare delivery. The political overtones that include lobbies for big pharm and insurance are rampant and being played out at a level that we can not grasp. Hell I WORK there and have to get $4 scripts at the grocery store. Nobody ever said life is fair.

Mama's perking up...a new do again and twice daily physical therapy. Food is good. People are nice. You can't ask for much more than that in a transition from hospital to home. We have a couple of weeks to develop a care plan for that setting and I'm glad there are nurses that do it instead of me. I just put in my two cents worth and make their jobs a lot easier! After five years, I know the drill. Daddy started his recitation as we pulled out of the nursing home with the Easter lily his sister had brought mama. During the ride home, he told me he was gonna; get his shovel out, put that thing in the ground, turn the light on the flag, open the door and go in the house and watch tv until time to eat a corndog and watch more tv. Five.times. They always talk right before bed, and she usually has to remind him to kiss her when we leave. Cute as hell, ya'll.

It's about to be crisis time if the pups don't find owners. With six dogs eating full strength, even the cheap stuff doesn't go far. They roam all over now and are beginning to be a force to be looked for when pulling out in the car. Puppies in the spring are just about as sweet as you can get, but big sweaty dogs in July won't be fun. I have (temporarily) postponed my straw bale gardening until things are a bit more settled around Casa Poops, as if they ever will be! Hey...that attitude has served me well as an idea person who has sat back and dished 'em out to the neat freaks who then put them together and impress the hell out of corporate. It's all good.

Keep the faith ^j^

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