sins of omission

I am a very trusting person, particularly with people who have never given me reason not to be. Such was the case with my most recent ex-roommate. Four years out of a divorce where the wife dumped him for somebody thirty years younger, we hooked up and he seemed to be past the worst of it. I had been single for ten and knew damn well not to even attempt anything approaching a relationship with a newbie. Transition woman was not much of a keeper, so he moved on to a single life in his parents home after they went to assisted living. His daughter and boys called it home base. He can see the place where he grew up every morning and evening, just like I can. Only his place is really FLAT. Following the May flood, he and everybody else close to river packed up and hauled ass to higher ground. For a long time! The water stood for a week, four feet into the homestead which had been moved from somewhere else in the flats.

He came to the lane with half of everything he owned stashed into the nooks and crannies of his truck and became a part of the family, now three people, three dogs and one cat. Hmm. One bed in the whole place. BG sleeps on a couch and the dogs sleep with me until they get kicked out. I don't think that will be happening anymore because of some broken trust. I am hurt beyond belief...and mad at my stupid ass self for taking a chance on somebody who obviously doesn't know what they want. But I am also very very mad, and the f word is spewing forth several times already here on the Lord's day. That, is a very good thing..it's better to be mad than to cry, unless you cry when you're mad...like I do!

I have never been chosen by a man as "the one". It's always some freak kind of thing where paths cross and we spend some time together and then they move onto somebody else because I was just "too good" to them. That's the way I roll. Take it or leave it. If you think I'm assertive now, you would have just DIED to see what a freaky little co-dependent I used to be. I'm talkin' everything had to match and stuff. My poor husband was the one who took the brunt of that before I finally discovered the joys of Prozac. I don't pretend to understand the male brain but I figure it can be pretty simply satisfied whereas women require a bit more communication to understand where they stand. Like the truth: I love you as a friend, but...."

Compared to most women, I am very low maint. I do yard work and generally entertain myself most of the time because I know who I am and what makes me happy. I love tapping on the keyboard with a candle glowing, pouring out all angst and watching me myself and I come to the conclusion that there is absoloutely nothing I can do about it, period. Big E is the one in charge. Hello step one!

After twenty four years of living on this hill, I know the landscape by memory and know that the beauty that I surrounded myself is still there, even when my eyesight goes. My parents discussed, as usual, the fact that church attendance is dwindling in the old UMC where they faithfully tromp up the aisle every Sunday. Mom was wishing she could still help with stuff and Daddy was just concentrating on eggs, toast and bacon in that order. With two chocolate doughnuts for the ride home. Some things never change.

The cotton pickin' went on WAY past dark last night and is almost a wrap. It's really cool to see the equipment at work with lights on. All of the tarps are bright pink, as if in honor of breast cancer awareness month :) Somebody with paint marks the bales by numbers and off they go to who-knows-where. Hopefully to give somebody in this country a chance at a job?

Today is the birthday of one of Mr. Billy Y's kids, Laura. He's the one who said "Always leave room for the spirit to work." I will sir, in your honor.

^j^