confessions of a good girl

Somewhere along the way from childhood to becoming an adult, I dropped the attitude that life is all about pleasing others. It was probably during that time when my personal masochistic therapist Beverly kicked my ass from Dyer to Shelby county and back a few times. On my dime, no less. The sawmill covered a lot but the co-pays came out of my underpaid pocket. I knew that I was sick and that I needed help. The diagnosis turned out to be codependency, something that Melody Beattie made famous with her books and that I hold onto for dear life. In a nutshell, codependency is a state where you live your life for others and what they think or feel about you as a person. There's a lot of shame based behavior in this world of ours simply because the "client" doesn't feel like doing the work to find that inner child dancing baby. You know...the one that has a rosy future where anything is possible. Old Poops read a lot of John Bradshaw and such back in the day. Help us to help ourselves, and amen!

What I learned is that I am who I am and you can love me or leave me. Mostly they leave because folks don't appreciate a strong willed opinionated person with passion for a cause. Or maybe they're just all caught up in their own agendas. Who the hell knows. At my age, the bucket list is becoming more of an addiction than people pleasing ever was, so I'm making notes and adopting the attitude that when opportunity knocks, I'm ready to answer.

My parents are elderly and homebound and I'm sworn to taking care of them 'til death do us part. The homestead situation is complicated what with the owners living up north and our lives in the balance. Mostly, they've lived their lives on faith that next year the crops and the cattle will do better and that their kids will kick in when times get hard. We're doing our best.

We're giving dyersburg electric a break with windows thrown wide open and curtains flying in the breeze. That should help on October's budget. Maybe I can pay the propane guy something. And the doctors. Got a big fat honkin' collection service call from the neurologist who proved without a doubt, for $535 dollars, US, that I had carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands. Sent a couple of letters to he and his business office that times were hard and the bill would be paid but he was impatient to get back to his yacht in Destin so there ya go. Fuck me running.

BG is doing much better with her ex-teeth. The chipmunk cheeks are gone and so is the penicillin, bless her heart. Today is my nephew Adam's first birthday...haven't seen him since February except online and in print. He talks to us on speakerphone when T calls for a chat now and then. Such is life in the fastlane.

Pecans are not falling here on the lane. Considering last year's bumper crop, I'm not surprised at all because mother nature seems to work that way. Maybe next year.

^j^

go figure

Me and the grands stopped by the store on the way home from breakfast this morning so that Daddy could pick up a few things. There was this guy zooming back and forth on the parking lot on a motorized bicycle...probably weighed 300 pounds at least. While Daddy was shopping, I stepped outside to smoke and we struck up a conversation about his bike. Dude knows exactly how much battery power it takes to get to the electric company and water plant to pay his bills. Said he had to walk it up hills because the motor tends to burn out. Of course, I didn't get a picture. What a slacker I can be.

My great escape was wonderful and loads of fun, thanks to Sue Kathryn, George and Bubba. Ain't nothing like 24 hours in a casino to convince a girl that there's no place like home on Pecan Lane. A great big shout out to Bluesville for hosting two of the most kick ass blues guitarists I've ever been honored to hear. I could be wrong, but I think I saw Eric Clapton at the snack bar while we were eatin' bacon cheeseburgers.

Bandit is alive and well and riding in Bubba's truck again thanks be to Big Ernie. BG is now 25 and recovered from that horrendous tooth extraction drama. The house is semi-clean and the dogs are asleep. Just another day in paradise, ya know?

^j^

the birthday girl

I first posted this video on another one of BG's birthdays, probably her 21st and TO THIS DAY I still cry when I watch it. I thought I'd share it again so that you can cry with me!!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

missing dog

Bubba called me a couple of hours ago to tell me that Bandit had jumped out of the back of his truck somewhere along the highway. His collar broke loose and there he went! Some lady pulled him over to tell him the dog had taken a flying leap into the middle of the hood that is southwestern D'burg. My brother has trouble bonding so it was a giant leap of faith for him to drive down to Lauderdale county and pick this pretty red border collie pup out of the muddy pit where he lived with his siblings. He's 8 months old so I reckon it was January when we drove down there and scooped him up to take him to his new home at the junction. He came and picked me up this afternoon and we went cruising around all the nooks and crannies in that area but...no Bandit.

While we were driving and lookin', I told him about all the many times I had given up on finding my pretty girl Faith, only to have some angel give me a call and tell me that she was safe and sound. I asked him not to give up, and I meant that in more ways than one. He is my partner in caring for my parents and that has drawn us closer together in so many ways. If I had to go it without him, I'm not sure I could maintain what little sanity I've got left.

Anyhoo...if ya'll see this beautiful boy roaming around the neighborhood, please call one of us. There just might be a reward.

what goes around comes around

This week has been, for me personally, one of those hectic puttin' out fires sort of marathon. Flu season plus all the other drama makes it hard to unwind completely. That is what today is about. I see a camera and beer in my future as soon as I deep clean de-clutter this old house. Maybe even a little early fall gardening. Leave a message at the beep, ya'll.

I ran into an old friend at the gas station/chicken and beer store and we hugged and chatted while the petrol flowed. Her husband has had a stroke and is unable to work but has been denied disability many times. That's the sort of thing that makes me really REALLY mad at the ones who abuse it and work the system to their advantage. Dollar General was next and lo and behold the church next door was having a party on the parking lot making disciples of children with inflatable jumpy things. A young man came over to offer me a sack lunch, and added two more when I told him I was going to see my parents. I just love it when Big Ernie pulls one like that.

BG's jaws are still lookin' a little like a chipmunk but the pain is better and that's what counts. There was a cyst wrapped around the nerve under one of the teeth so she's still got some numbness in her jaw from all the manipulation. Yikes! I've gotta hand it to her....she's been a trooper. Unlike her mother, she knows her limits. She laughingly called me the "non-compliant" patient during my recovery from hand surgery. Poor thing has always believed I have ADD.

It's football time in Tennessee and for the first fall in years, I can't tell you who's playing, much less what the score is. And I'm okay with that. Really.

Ya'll be careful out there. And keep the faith ^j^

almost a nurse

Old time readers know that it's a joke on me that my friends' kids described me that way when I attempted to explain to them what being a med tech is about. I have the medical background and the friends who care enough to nurse a patient at home. Take BG for instance. Poor thing had two wisdom teeth, one with a cyst under it, cut out and well...she just doesn't do pain. Most 25 year olds don't. I told her when I was fixing the soup that there was no way she could ever consider not having me in the delivery room because she'd never make it without my coaching ;) You know like, hypothetically speaking when she's older. And has a babydaddy.

I was in labor with her for two days, off and on, during September of '84. We timed contractions at home and put it off as long as we could but I was hell bent on gettin' the show on the road. I had worked up until three days before, running the halls of the hospital with a phlebotomy tray and swollen ankles. Even after a pit drip, it took twelve hours to deliver that child. She was born at 10PM and the feeling didn't come back in my legs until the next day. Hard dang work, ya'll. But you know what? She was worth it.

Next Tuesday whe will turn 25, a social work graduate who did it the hard way...because it was either that or give up on her dream. I am proud of who she has become as a woman, a professional, a family member and friend. She has the most beautiful smile and that means a lot because she didn't smile much during the pre-teen years and braces. She loves all animals,babies and old people. That smartass brat who was disrespectful to the teacher back in middle school has turned into a brilliant loving young woman whose heart is easily broken and usually mended. Just like her mama.

Don't tell her, but my present is for her to get her hair did.

^j^

takin' the high road

Today was the first of my three day stretch acting as the "voice of the lab" up at that front desk where who the hell knows what's gonna show up. As expected during this seasonal flu thing, there were many snotty nosed coughing kids with masks, referred by a pediatrician who knows better than to send them up in our house to expose the bystanders and such. She's an epidemiologist, got God's sake. This is where the lines get blurry on the medical ethics thing. Do you protect the in-patients and well out-patients or satisfy the public demand for a test that may or may not be correct. The outcome is the same, whether you've got the flu or not. Stay home and take something to keep the fever down and the squirts at bay. So far, it looks like the under 20 set has been the most affected in our region. I'm considering takin' a kit or two over to her office and training the personnel myself, just for fun. I'm also considering a totally different vocation because corporate healthcare just ain't where it's at these days in my game plan.

One last member of the pack showed up last night for face painting and we obliged. Two Dogs is a native American with a story ya'll wouldn't believe if I told it. Only reason I can figure that she showed up in our lives is that Big Ernie arranged it in his magical mystical way. I'll tell you straight up, this girl can drink me under the table before I've ever had a chance to get started.

Got those pansies planted with a punkin' and mum to boot. Mom and Ms. Ann went vacuum cleaner shopping today and scored, so it looks like there's some cleaning of carpets in our future. Phase II of fall cleaning, dont'cha know. I'd much rather be doing that than flu and strep tests.

Cousin Deb called from KY the other day to give me a heads up on a clinical trial for dementia patients in Paducah. At this point, it looks like a lot of trouble and travel with not much of a different outcome. Some people, when they old, just lose their minds. Their caregivers are the ones who are stretched to the limit.

I'm looking forward to cooler and less humid weather to get out with the camera and play a bit. BG loaded up my birthday present with tunes so I'm good to go on escaping from reality with music. Her 25th is coming up next week and I'm stumped about what to give her. I asked for a cheese grater so I just may give her one so we can both use it. Ours is antique and rusty.

Yes, I know it's bedtime. Angie has this contest going on where we tell about how you got to be a country dweller and ya'll know I'm all about a story. Stay tuned.

^j^

be VERY afraid

That picture you see of me over on the left is from an impromptu weenie roast/face painting party with my buds the other night. Conner has an artistic bent so whenever he and his mom Anna come over, BG drags out the supplies so that he can create. The paper and watercolors got boring real quick so I did some war painting on his face and well. It was on. We had s'mores and hot dogs on wire hangers just like in the old days. Another memory made for all involved. That's what it's all about, ya know?

I am celebrating the day after a three day run of saving lives doing flu and strep tests on the entire community simply because the patient insists on having a diagnosis so they can tell it over the water fountain or at the church potluck. Some people's kids, I swear.

Ya'll know I'm a fool for growing things so I spent part of the utility bill money today at my favorite nursery. It's kind of fun to be the only customer around and get to shoot the bull with Dale about families and stuff. Of course, I bought a mum too. And some sort of bush that grows in the back parking lot at the hospital. It has these spidery looking aster type flowers and I adore it. Now I've got my own. Low maintenance? You decide.

Gotta run. Those pansies are just dying to get their cute little butts into some dirt.

^j^

two words to the wise

"Don't go." The seasonal flu has broken out with a vengeance (earlier than usual) and people are acting the fool, stretching the resources of our already stressed healthcare system. We are performing flu tests in record numbers just because the patient "demands" to know if he or she has the flu. What the hell difference does it make ya'll? Every local pharmacy here in the 'burg is smooth out of Tamiflu which may, or may not, help to reduce the time that influenza wreaks havoc on your life. There ain't no miracle cure for this thing, so prevention is essential if you don't want to spend a week in the bed with fever, muscle aches and a dry cough. The hospital will laugh all the way to the bank with your money.

Use that alcohol based hand sanitizer...buy a damn gallon of it. Every surface that somebody sneezes or wipes their nose next to is covered with virus if they're infected. The stuff WORKS. So does handwashing, covering your mouth and nose when you sneeze and getting the vaccine. I got mine on my 54th birthday...happy birthday to Poops!! Later that day, my bestest friends in the whole wide world treated me to a beer and nacho fest on the patio at a Mexican restaurant where they also insisted that the staff sing to me while twisting the sombrero to and fro on my pointy little head. Good times, people. My mother has threatened to disinherit me if I EVER tell anybody at Perkins it's her birthday. Hmmm...wonder if it falls on a Sunday this year. I must say the b'day chorus there has the melody down much better than at Los Lomas. Plus, there's no hat.

Since I was busy celebrating I totally missed our president's address to Congress about healthcare reform. I did hear, after the fact, about that GOP idiot who called him a liar right there in front of Big Ernie and everybody. In my book, he's on the same plane with the Iraqi who threw a shoe at Dubya. Shut the eff up and listen to the people who vote, dude. I'm sure all of the right wing extremists just loved that show of patriotism, judging by the telethon money you've raised in just two days. Ya'll better be careful tithing to a politician. Jesus don't like that sort of thing one bit. See the story about the tax collectors if you doubt it.

Yaya advised me to do something wild and crazy when the clock struck nine-nine-09 of nine-nine-nine. Her suggestion was to howl at the moon or dance nekkid in the rain. We haven't had but a drop or two since I mowed the yard several weeks ago, so that was out of the question. The grass is all crunchy and the Camry is covered with tree sap and dirt. Instead, I chatted with a guy who seems interesting.

Sam got a bath this evening. Butters got one last week. Faith is next. I'd hate for them to mess up my nice clean yard sale sheets because Sugardaddy might show up sometime soon and I'd like to be prepared. Yes...I was a Girl Scout.

^j^

mutt's girls

There are four of 'em and they stick together like the glue that their parents gave them. Raised in Lake county with one lone brother, they have gone their separate ways but get together now and then just to make sure they're all still sisters. I never had one, so I asked to be an honorary and they politely oblige me.

The baby of the group is my dear friend Gigi who would give you her last dollar and bottle of nail polish if it would brighten your day. Between them they have about a hundred or so grandchildren and cousins, and one lone German shepherd named Smokey who wanders around the neighborhood and loves being petted and fed out of hand. He follows Lisa wherever she goes. Sissy and Diane came north from Memphis for the sisterfest. Gotta love that sort of bond, ya know?

Things are sort of touch and go here on the farm with my family. Nobody has a clue what the plan is and we're just going on faith. Idgie told me one time long ago that kudzu flowers and I'll be damn if she ain't right. As I was driving down the lane today I spotted the purple and pink blooms underneath the dark green leaves hangin' off of the trees by the dairy barn.

Wonders never cease ^j^

girls just want to have fun

considering a career in propane

Oh.My.God. The GOP has gone over the hill with this shit about the back-to-school Obama address and all of the hysteria that is a by product of MSM scare tactics. The same could be said for swine flu...Miss Piggy must be crying "wee wee wee" all the way home. Whether you like him or despise him and his policies, he is the president of this country. Let's give him a chance to say his piece before we go right. Ya'll know where that got us...ass deep in Iraq and Afghanistan and the terrorist tourist season.

My favorite patient of all time called today to tell me that she consulted with her personal physician and it's a go on her next procedure. Since I'm her beloved almost a nurse I suppose that I'll assist when the time comes, but I won't like it one bit. She's 77 years old and barely a hundred pounds...tired of trying to stay alive when there's so much pain and money involved in the business of diagnosis and treatment. Ms. Olive is one of a kind and her hubby adores her. That's enough for this old gal to keep the faith.

The landscape looks different on our lane because the magnolia trees at the entrance got cut down so that the road won't collapse again like it did during the monsoon of May '03 I reckon Big Ernie knows what the plan is. I certainly don't. There's a book up in there somewhere and I pray that the stories get told before Willie Herenton gets elected as mayor of Memphis again.

^j^

you might be a redneck

...if your old washer is sittin' in the back yard against the barbed wire fence. I'm just saying.

post op notes: week 2

Today I realized that I'm not near as tough as I thought I was for going back to work after a one week recovery. There's very little pain, but the fatigue is sort of a drag. Like..a lot! Add to that the fact that I was so enthralled with the cool breeze that I slept in front of an open window and there ya go. One sniffly tired old chick.


Yesterday afternoon when I was on the way home I came up on a huge road crew and a gaping ditch about to receive a culvert. Crossways. In front of me. Film at ll. Daddy, bless his heart, was in a twit all DAY about it because he couldn't get out, even though he doesn't drive. Hmmm. Their phone line got cut and that made it worse. Oh yeah, and he turns the volume down on his cellphone every time we turn it up. All is well today with the home phone restored and culverts in position to catch the drainage from our hill this winter. Soon it will be hot paved and ready to go. Sheesh...I remember when that road was red gravel:)

BG made her peace with last week's drama after we shared with the victim's friend that she was there with her and that she didn't suffer. She was very relieved to learn that, and so it was kind of easy to see it as an angel kind of thing. I love the way Big Ernie does that.

The UMC minister who began his worldwide travels with a visit to my home church during the sixties is making his last trip to our congregation this week. He is a physician as well, so his sermons lend themselves to mucho opportunity to tie the ministry of Jesus in with the business of healing. I've known a lot of doctors in my time at the sawmill, but very few of them see it like that because of the way that the government tries to limit their scope of practice. Most are now employed by the corporations that deliver the care so it's a conflict of interest on occasion. I'll not get started on THAT soapbox. I'd probably fall off before I ever shut the hell up.

I was scheduled to work on Labor Day but got a lazy streak and asked my friend to work instead. I figure the hand can use an extra day...don't ya'll?

Keep it between the lines.

^j^