mysterious ways

I seriously hate it when I finish a book and don't have another one.  I've read all of the works of one Southern author and will be moving on or backwards, as it were to Clyde Edgerton.  He and Joshilyn and Rick Bragg have shaped me as a redneck writer.  I'm not sure how all your other folks have managed to escape the reality of southern poverty but "good for you!"  Our states are the most conservative and backwards and have been for eons.  'Lest you doubt me, check out Trae Crowder.

Oscar is moving from couch to rug and doesn't know he's about to meet Pearlis on Friday.  It's a test run to see if they can live together for two weeks without a bunch of drama.  I will still have to come and feed and water Al daily but thankfully there's no litter box.  We will survive.  In paradise.

I am aching to see my kids right now.  Everybody is all about buying smoked pork and having family reunions and I just want to hug 'em.  I might buy some ribs, who knows.  This is officially the beginning of the end of summer.  Only it just started on June 20th.  The cicadas and lightning bugs came in on cue and made me want to call my mama and tell her I saw fall.  It rained a lot in spotty places today and thankfully it stopped when me and Joy left Headlines. It was a good day.

I don't like summer at all.  The heat and humidity wear me out.  So does watering flowers and  whatnot.  I'm figuring that next year what perennials I have will survive and come back strong and I will avoid annuals at all cost.  It's nature's way.

^j^

the task at hand

I am notorious for running around in circles and not being very organized.  That being said, I've pretty much got my shit together since  the big move.  Most of it is in desk drawer or on this elderly laptop.  I'm beginning to work on the bones of this next piece after a lot of research.  Most of the old timers are gone but I've managed to catch up with the few that are left.  Officially, since my parents and Mozella died, Gerald Brandon is the go to guy.  He's the one with the cemetery down by the river.  There will be tales of channels dug and farmers saved from the ravages of flooding.  There are a few levees out here but nothing like down around the Mighty Mississippi.  

My unorganized self will slowly put together a story that is this farm. I'm only allowed three pictures so I reckon the barn and silos will be one.  I've enjoyed visiting these folks and learning things I didn't know like how to make honey and whatnot.  Cooking differently than southern fried.  July 4th used to be THE day up at Aunt Moze's house with everybody and their brother and cousins and then showing up to visit under the pecan tree that still stands.  She was officially the mayor because my mother made it so.  Nelson Mitchell cooked his hogs in a pit in the yard for a day or two.  Margaret, his wife, was one of our baby sitters and made the best chocolate pie you ever tasted.  

I remember when Lauren was little I took her to see the Mitchells and she hopped right up there on the wheelchair with a braided up Margaret.  I was working at the hospital when she died and will never forget my brother wearing a wool sport coat to her funeral at Ross UMC in the dead of summer.  It's what you do to show respect for those who raised you. 

Dat baby will be back home tomorrow after a wonderful beach trip.  I love being able to be there virtually through FB.  We took Lauren at about 3 to Padre Island which was her first experience with the power of the tides.   There are pictures somewhere!

Y'all hang in.  I'm trying to be positive and faithful.  Stay with me ^j^ 

just beachy

A lot of my friends are at the beach or have been.  Reaves is there and according to her three year old self the "ocean is big".   No kidding!  I'm so happy to see her having fun and experiencing new things.  And I so need my toes in some sand.  I reckon I'll just have to wash the car and be excited over that.  

Church today was more John Wesley and I laughed and cried spontaneously.  Mary Beth is a wizard with Wesleyan theory.  She noticed me crying when they showed baby Conti being baptized and came to pray with me.  All thoughts were on Reaves at that point.  

I am scared and emotional.  Lauren reminded me that Mercury is in retrograde and there was recently a full moon.  That explains a lot.  I haven't had a week long cry in a loooooong time.  It's sort of cleansing with a side of puffy eyes.

Faith.  Works.  Peace. Grace ^j^

 

tentative plans

I have been communicating with my surgeon through his nurses for several months now discussing this whole reversal thing.  Because of a remark I made to one of them, he called me personally this morning to discuss the whole deal and I immediately dissolved into tears.  He repeated what he has told me before which is that it is a very high risk procedure and outlined all the possible things that could happen.  It was like hearing his voice was a trigger to that fateful week that I almost died.  I told him I was scared because THIS time I'm aware of what's going on.  He offered to refer me to a GI surgeon for a second opinion which I will probably do.  He said they could tag team me in the OR if the other one will take my case.  I kind of blew that off until I thought about it and decided two surgeons are better than one.  To be continued.

As far as I know Reaves is on a plane to Florida with her daddy'n'them.  I wish I could see her face the first time she hits the beach.  I think she will love it like me and her mama do.  I went to work all teary eyed today and Joy let me cry and talk.  I don't often do that but sometimes you just gotta' let it out.   We were all ready for Kelly when the Chauvin sentencing "interrupted" regular programming.  I think the sentence was fair and the defense sucked by putting his mother on the stand.  She made it all about her and her own son who is still alive, was an officer of the law and suffocated a man on the street.  He got a lot of years and will be much older and wiser when he gets out.  I'm guessing he'll be a target for prison violence, but what do I know. 

I don't know anymore.  The random acts are coming closer and closer together.  A building in Miami doesn't just fall down.  My theory is that it was a terrorist attack against Latino immigrants.  Y'all keep the faith and call your mama ^j^

and god made a farmer

I enjoy the farm life and I have learned a lot about by living next to the staging station for all this acreage.  I ask a lot of questions and generally get in their way.  And I have learned to appreciate the quiet times when they're in the back 40.  It's like tractor central around here with everybody running at once.  All four farming operations!  I'm glad Ellie is safely tucked in with her family in Illinois.  She wouldn't have lasted a day down here.

I went to see my GP this morning because I wanted to go over my concerns with him.  He drew blood again and hopefully the kidney function will be better because I'm taking something for this liquid in my bag.  Like to try and stop it.  I drink Propel all day long and eat normally.  I'm pretty sure I'm just dehydrated by the colostomy from hell.  But at least I'm alive.  When you can't take a good poop, it's a shame.

There is no guarantee that all will be rosy after the surgery.  There are a million complications that can happen like loop ileostomy or when your guts go to sleep and won't wake up.  Or your anus which hasn't been used in a year and a half has nerve damage and there is no bowel control.  I know all of this, yet I am willing to take the chance if the powers that be see fit.  

I've talked to two old work friends in two days and we always say "let's get together" and we don't.  That requires effort which is not in big supply with all we've got going on as elders.  Maybe someday.  

Me and Joy and Pearl sat on the porch today and watched some cute little mama bird making a nest in the double begonia hanging pot.  I'm looking forward to this adventure!

Y'all chill and hug.  ^j^

sanctifying grace

Our church staff is focusing on the teachings of John Wesley and his take on grace.  We sing and talk about grace as an homage to God who loves us to pieces.  Wesleyan theory has it that grace comes in phases.  Prevenient is what follows you when you really don't know any better than to believe.  It's a freebie.  Justifying faith is kind of like an "aha" moment when we get that we are sinners and examine all the ways we could do better.  Sanctifying is actually walking the walk as a believer in a power greater than ourselves.  Big Ernie.  God. Allah.  Whatever your name is for the big guy.  I am a Christian, by faith, believing that Christ died for our sins so we don't have to be all saddled with guilt for doing wrong.  Also a gift.

I fully believe that once you realize a sin, it's time to let it go.  I've done that a few times in my life and it was very hard to let go.  Anger was one of those things.  It solves nothing but to run your BP up.  I let that one go a long time ago unless it comes to compassion for those who are struggling or different.  Every one of us has walked the same road only we don't much talk about it.  That's where the beauty of community comes into play.

The girls came today and Reaves didn't even want to go to the big pool where Doonie lives.  She is recovering from a cold so we just hung out with the water hose and did some chores.  I can't tell you what all we did because I don't remember!  It's like a whirlwind.  I do know that she didn't want to leave.  Betcha' a hundred bucks she was asleep by Four Points.

It's okay to be little bitty ^j^

janie's got a gun

No, for real.  I would shoot out my eye or my foot.  Just being honest.  That's the same reason I never got a chainsaw for Mother's Day.  People know better than me.  Oscar is currently trying to catch his breath after following me all the way back from his old home.  He rode up there but refused to ride back.  I've probably kilt' him.  

It has been hard letting go of that place.  It is where my Daddy and I built a dream and Lauren grew up.  Now all the plants are dead from spraying.  The house is empty waiting for the next occupants.  That will take about a year.  There is a blue tractor up there which I think I saw yesterday digging out Sonia a new driveway which is all I ever wanted  Go figure.  Wait until it dries up.  

My alarm is set for 630 so I can get to the farmer's market and get some Mama Cheryl bread.  Sourdough is the bestest.  Maybe I'll get a bouquet of sunflowers from Peggy.  Who knows?  It's a way to get out and about and see folks.  I might find Sugardaddy there. Y'all be blessed ^j^

 

like the deer

I was headed up the lane this morning on a garbage run when a doe ran right out in front of me from one wheat field to the next.  They have two hang outs on either side of the road and this was a random crossing.  I'm glad I wasn't going fast or it would have been bad for me, the car AND the deer.  That's one of the hidden dangers of living in the middle of crops.  Down here it's corn on all four sides and I'm in a box again.  Them corn children are getting big too.  It's about to be Field of Dreams time.

Father's Day is coming up which is bittersweet for many of us.  My parents have been gone for six years and so has Lauren's daddy.  It all seems surreal now.  Mama didn't really want to go to the funeral but I will never forget how Lauren leaned on her for support during the service.  She needed them just like she needed me.  After that year of deaths we were all emotionally wiped out.  

When I get down, which I do sometimes, I go back to "I believe in God the Father.  Maker of heaven and earth."  God knows each of us in a unique way because we are his creations.  Sure, it takes two to tango but not to raise a family.  There are in-laws and outlaws and all sorts of father figures to whom we look for guidance.  Many of mine are men of my own age who love me like a sister or daughter and would do anything in the world for me.  I'm fortunate in that area.  But I have sisters too, even though I was the only female Stafford sibling.  These sisters have surrounded me like a tribe over a lifetime and continue to inspire me.  

I had never heard "Like the Deer" until I was a part of an impromptu acapella rendition at a friend's wedding.  Muffyn and Danny are still together in spite of losing their house and daily assorted drama which we all have.  We worked together for a lot of years at the hospital and lord were there tales.  I digress.

Families have different ways of expressing emotions and that can be tough.  My Daddy was stern and not at all sure what to do with a little girl so he passed me over to Mama.  He never told me he loved me as a child, and my mother later helped me to understand what it was like growing up as a sharecropper's son.  There was very little joy in it....just a big dose of survival.  Daddy took on ag because that's what he knew growing up and was given a scholarship to attend UTM for his degree.  We can thank Sam Reed for that. 

I wouldn't trade anything for the raising that I've had.  I was always provided for and safe and knew that I was loved even if nobody said it.  You just feel it.

Bless all of you dads and uncles and male figures, especially the ones who like to play and express love for their children.  Keep the faith ^j^

if not this world, the next

I am amazed at what people will do to get to the beach after a year of quarantine.  With all the random shootings right now I'm afraid to even go to the grocery store.  Sometimes, crazy wins.  It speaks volumes that so many gun nuts are out there taking out innocents and then offing themselves.  Coward 'sumbitches.  Same thing goes for those that torture animals and kids and old people.  There is a special place in hell just for y'all.  If you have a freaking mask around your neck and a clerk asks you to cover your face with it, it ain't your right to go back to the truck, get a gun and murder said cashier.  I am not naive enough to think that anything will ever be different because the NRA and 2nd amendment folks are dead set on their automatic weapons.  End of rant.

I am grateful to have central air that works even when I pay out the ass for it.  I do pay as you go and that one night when the power went out was followed by the highest daily rate I've seen since I've been here.  I think TVA should reimburse me actually.

Y'all be patient and kind and always look forward ^j^

another hiccup

My last three sets of lab results all showed abnormal kidney function and a slight anemia.  That's when I added Donna's super duper women's pill to my regimen.  I take milk thistle and curcumin.  None of these natural medicines would cause those results.  It's all the other shit I'm taking.  There are 2 antihistamines, an ACE inhibitor and Mobic.  I have a nephrology consult so as to clear up this mystery before I have surgery.  I suppose it's a blessing to be an ex MT after all. I am currently making a list of said medicines for that appointment. I don't really need the Meloxicam every day it's just in the rotation.  Choose your drugs wisely girlfriend.  

Heather and her bunch just left on a mission.  AJ entertained himself while we all visited.  Mama Brock and Nanny were along for the ride.  Nanny was fascinated with Mama's cookbook and we discussed it at length along will all the family drama.  Some bonds last forever.

.

My favorite teacher of the whole wide world died.  I had him for history and heard all about the Zapruder film.  But my favorite class was biochemistry where we dissected cats and had a funeral afterwards at the school dumpster.  Ubasti was my kitty's name.  We had to write eulogies and the whole 9 yards. What a girl will do to become a scientist!That was approximately 47 years ago when I was a senior at DHS.  How time flies ^j^

prayin' for rain

It is over a hundred according to the heat index but at least the humidity is down and breeze up.  I went to bed early, spent from my trips out in the heat of Saturday and lo and behold, TVA crashed right after that.  I used a bag of ice rotating it to different parts of my body for four hours and finally fell asleep.  I woke to lights and the hum of my box fan and proceeded to sleep like a baby

The girls came today and we got in an hour at the pool before it was time to go.  I spent much of it under a new umbrella being overly cautious about heat exhaustion and sucking on Propel.  I nuked her a hot dog which is usually a sure bet but she was so tired that it wasn't perfect enough and she proceeded to wail.  And wail.  For the ice cream we told her I didn't have.  After that it was on.  Lauren and I were visiting on the back porch when the wailing ceased so I should have know mischief was going on.  We found her AND a completely empty purple permanent marker.  Which meant shower time.  What followed next was a desperate attempt to get clothes on a three year old for the ride home.  She refused panties but I finally got the shirt on.  Shorts would have worked for the trip but she would have none of that either.  We finally negotiated the shorts on only to have her not ready to leave the Peppa Pig panties so she reversed course and got properly dressed.  I got a big fat Reece's kiss before they left.  WITH a big stuffed Peppa in her lap.

While we were swimming I told her the story of how I was the first one to hold her after the drama filled C-section.  Me and the CRNA were Lauren's coaches, each of us holding down one shoulder and whispering in her ear.  Reaves got handed to me all wrapped up like a burrito after being weighed and whatnot.  I had no idea at the time how this kid would change my definition of love.  

At that moment, my heart was strangely warmed like John Wesley's was Aldersgate.  There is always room for faith, even when all seems lost.  ^j^

the market

Today was officially opening day for the Dyer County farmer's market so of course I took what i earned last week and bought goods from the locals.  The best deals were at the DCHS gardening spot where I spend 20 bucks on some impatiens, lantana and a perennial fern.  I am all about perennials, ya know.  Less work for me.  These purchases are currently watered and sitting on the covered porch waiting to be planted when it ain't so damn hot.  Ms Dottie Leach told me to plant that fern on the north side.  

I also got some homemade doggie treats for Oscar and Sadie and an assortment of Tiger Tail mustards 4 for 6.  The only produce they had was squash and cucumbers but it's early.  My friend Meghan was there with her her pizza truck and also the tie one on lady Paige Semmel.  Oh....and the ever so lovely Athena Reed, jewelry creator.  There were others....potters and craftspeople galore.  9:30 is late to be getting there so instead of Cheryl Hopgood bread I got strawberry butter.  She sells out of bread by 8:30 which is a tad early for me on a day off.     

Anywho, I'm thinking about washing my car old school style with a sponge and the water hose.  It might cool things off a bit.  Or maybe I'll just stay in here under the AC so as not to get dehydrated.  However it goes, I'm gonna' have a good day ^j^

the mystery of the missing poo bags

I have this business relationship with Byrum Healthcare where I pay then scads of money and they send me the "appliances" that I need for my ostomy.  As with all things healthcare,  it's like working a puzzle to get things worked out.  I am on a payment plan for the time that I was uninsured last year ( thanks Marketplace ) so I have to place my orders by phone. They always send me a reminder when it's time to re-up and then I figure out how much I can pay on that plan to get what I need.  With insurance, currently it is 41 bucks a month but there were seven months last year for which I was charged 160ish.  That's the back story.  I placed an order which was delivered  yesterday only I didn't get the box.

My neighbor sometimes gets my packages dropped at her house because our mailboxes are side by side across the road.  I saw a FedEx truck go to her house yesterday so I figured it was over there.  Only it wasn't. I checked twice.  After several phone calls today we figured out that her cousin who was watching the house went over and retrieved the box, not noticing my name on it.  It was a long night last night.

I had no pouches and no way to get any that late in the day.  So I did what I did many desperate times when I was a newbie and slept on my back with my belly covered with a towel....I cannot describe the mess I woke up to. I still didn't know my stuff was right across the road and had to go to work so my mind started racing for solutions.  I remembered that my home health agency kept extras of those kinds of things so I called them pleading for help.  By this time i was covered in poop and still had the towel wrapped around me.  I drove to the HH office looking like a lunatic and went in to get what was left for me at the front desk.  I am certain everybody in the place could smell me come in the door all pitiful.  

On the way home from there I got a call that other neighbor/cousin was on his way to meet me with what I needed.  Then it was shower time.  Best.One,Ever.   As I was telling this story to Gay I was laughing because what else do you do, ya know?  I reckon all's well that ends well.  

Adding insult to injury Kelly was pre-empted by men's tennis finals about which me and Joy could care less.  So we just read.  I'm on a Joshilyn Jackson kick, catching up on all the ones I've missed.  If all goes well, my girls will come Sunday and we will be joined by my daughter from another mother who has a little boy not much older than Reaves.  BTW....she quit T-ball and threw her glove before stomping off the field.  She didn't like it much at all that the boys were quicker!  

Y'all stay cool and have a groovy weekend ^j^

saving the world

I would if I could, you know.  It's not like I haven't tried.  Yet destiny and fate play into every day life.  I gave up on love long ago except for my tribe.  I am nobody's special one particularly.  Just everybody's friend.  I believe in Jesus, fried chicken and a good cold beer.  Helping others is kind of my calling as a human and I do my best at it but surely fall short.  I have a job that allows me to step into that role every day and we are like clockwork now, me and the fam, including the furbabies.  

I have always wanted to be "the one" that somebody studied and picked because I am unique in a smartass sort of way.  That does not include all you Nigerians commenting on my blog.  The book that I am reading right now sends home the way people fall in love in a pre-destined sort of way.   I'm pretty sure that's the way it happens.  

Anywho...we saw turtles today but no fish.  They only show up when Larry is there.  He is not my boyfriend but I call him sexy boy because he listens to me.  That means a lot.  There are numerous others who do the same and for that, I am thankful.  

Looks like rain....Maybe an inch.  ^j^

grace

It's a gift from God really.  If you are in the dark and don't realize that there is a higher power guiding you, bless it.  We are studying what makes us Methodists and of course it's all about John Wesley.  You know the quadilateral:  reason, tradition, experience and the word along with a big dose of listening to the big guy.  Not your gut, or what you necessarily want.  In order to hear God's voice ( other than on Kelly Clarkson ) we must look for the little miracles along the way and foster their growth.  Thanks MB!

When I got home the girls had been here the whole time playing in the water hose,  Reaves was nekkid but then put on the chicken shirt I got her.  There was too much to explore for her to eat so we went out and climbed around on one of Joey's tractors.  She can climb the steps but has to jump down into the grass.  No snake sightings today.  I don't know about y'all, but this is how I want to be remembered  An old country girl who never got far away from the farm,

Peace

just hold me

I have been single for a lot of years,  I rarely miss sex because being a born again virgin has become a way of life plus i  am sporting a shit bag on my belly.  'Nuf said on that subject.  Maybe the surgeon can fix all that.  It would be a huge relief in more ways than one.  

I went to the 'gentral to get Reaves some chocolate and art supplies and that was my outing for the day.  They will be here tomorrow and i have tons of grilled food for us.  The farmers have been shittin' and gettin' today with the spraying and Bubba brought Sadie for a visit.  It was so hot she gave up on chasing the ball after abut 15 minutes.  

I am networking with local publications to get some name recognition and I'm like a dog with a bone on that.  There is no pay, just the satisfaction of story telling..  Hell, i've been entertaining my followers for fifteen years for nothing.  It's just what I do.  Eventually when the book gets written there may be some money involved.  For now, it's my therapy.

Y'all keep the faith and remember who you are ^j^

on a mission

I have lived almost my entire life on this farm.  I know every inch of it and then some, yet I am still learning the history for my upcoming literary adventure.  We have bee hives out here and I met the keepers last year during harvest.  I really want to diversify the different factors of how agriculture works and bees are a big part.  I met Mike Harris of Logan's Lake Honey at his shop in Finley this morning and he graciously gave me a tour of the entire facility.  You can't miss it.....stacked with Amish made wooden boxes inside and out.  The extraction process was what is amazing to me.  He walked me through it from bring the boxes in to removing the plates for processing in this huge ass machine.  There are lots of pipes to carry the honey and wax over to the one that actually separates it out.  He showed me a queen that he bought for 27 bucks who will soon have her own hive.  The hives are split, so to speak, and a new queen introduced to the workers.  I was pretty amazed.  

We watched some fish digging through the mud out at paradise and that was a lot of fun.  Larry spotted them first and Joy yanked out the binoculars.  We had a clear view of turtles on a log.  I'm sure there are 9800 snakes in that lake so I don't get near it.  A snake is a snake.

I've really enjoyed my visits with Bubba and Sadie lately.  She is so fast she can get to the ball before it lands.  Y'all have a great weekend and try something different.  All you got is time.

Namaste ~

second thoughts

The surgery that I am contemplating is very high risk per my surgeon.  One possible outcome is that I could die or end up with a different kind of ostomy that is "easier to reverse." I am not real happy with those odds, if you know what I mean.  So I stall.  It's not even about the pre op restrictions anymore.  I just think my body needs a bit more time to heal because there are other problems lurking like kidney disease.  I know like all lab techs that everybody's results are different.  I got an ALP of 140 a couple of months ago and took milk thistle and it was normal the next time.  I do not want to take the risk of an open abdominal procedure at this point. I never get to talk to my doctor, just the nursing staff.  So.  I will make an appointment to see my PCP and check out what all is going on.  I know my BP is out of whack and also bun, creatinine and GFR.  MT, save thyself!

Me and Joy went to the library today and I got four books for us to devour.  I think she will enjoy Joshilyn Jackson.  I certainly do.  I'm tired of buying books unless they are signed by the author as a special gift.  Joshilyn signed my copy of  gods in alabama.  I don't have a clue where it is but I think I loaned it out.  It's all about the kudzu.

Y'all keep the faith and be strong.  Never give up no matter how bad it gets.  Just keep on with the good fight and do the next right thing ^j^