it's on with the hummers

I have two feeders, one in front and on out back.  At one point yesterday I had no less than five hummingbirds battling it out for a position.  They get really in a "twit" when somebody new comes around.  Especially when there's a flock of 'em.  

We officially lit up the house Saturday afternoon and it was a lot of fun.  Being surrounded by friends is the warmest feeling ever.  I went to see the girls yesterday and we made more memories.  Nestle Toll House cafe is not serving food yet so we got Reaves a couple of high dolla' cookies and went on over to Panera to eat.  Also very high priced.  I mean, who do we think we are????

Lauren's has been struck with the same luck I had with the Camry when the motor went out on the window.  I can't tell you how many times I took my parents to church with the plastic blowing in the breeze, right passenger side.  Yep, that was Mama.  It all happened when Tara leaned on the button with her big beefy arms and the whole thing went down.  I had to have glass AND a motor. And UCMTSU!

I sit here in silence thinking about how many Americans lives has been lost in battle over the generations. I was dead set against Iraq from the get go and look where it ended up.  You have a whole bunch of soldiers who can't forget what they saw and have carried that horror all their lives.  When Lauren was in elementary school Robert Taylor served in Desert Storm.  We worked together at the hospital for many years.  

Sometimes I wonder if vets even think that the freedoms they fought for are still in place.  It is war mongering to spend government money to try and "fix" another culture.  It is what it is.  I'm much more concerned about the availability of automatic weapons in this country.  The gun lobby is quite powerful and they play that second amendment hard.  I agree with the right to bear arms.  Except for the repeating kind that crazies use to murder innocents and then off themselves for a moment of glory.  Dude, you are dead.  There will be no replay in heaven or hell or wherever you went.  Purgatory maybe?  Guns and mental health don't belong together.

I'll let y'all know when I get this historical piece worked out.  It will  be published soon.  Peace and grace^j^

an open book

I am up front and honest to a fault, as most of you know.  This has served me well and also gotten me into a lot of messes.  That is why I always ask permission for story telling if real names are involved.  I am curious as to why my latest request for a historical interview has been declined, but I guess some folks don't want others to know their business.  Fine with me y'all.  I respect your privacy and just like to be inclusive.  That is why my writing project about the farm will be missing a piece of the history.  

I am pretty much being gaslighted by the surgeon in MemphisI because I don't fit his criteria as a patient able to survive that kind of shit.  Its all about survival rates and the deaths count against you as a medical professional.  I ran into this when one surgeon did a procedure on my grandmother and went on vacation shortly after.  His partner was all all about covering his ass and keeping her alive artificially until Jimbo showed back up.  UCMTSU.  She had advocates along the way like Neil McKee and Rusty Scara and Mike Campbell.  All of these folks helped us to make a compassionate decision.

My daughter knows my wishes and she will respect that when the time comes.  As for me, I'll be going to Jackson on Sunday for a visit at the house.  Lauren is scoping out new places to eat that are kid friendly.  I'm pretty sure Reaves is gonna' bet a big time baller....just saying.  

Grace and peace to you and your mama'n'them ^j^

what would janice do?

My friend Jimmy suggested that I need a house warming so we set it for this Saturday. Weather looks good and humidity lower.  I have to figure out how to feed these visitors so I think a BBQ bundle would be the wisest thing.  Bubba will be absent but he's loaning me his fold out table.   Pickwick calls!

Janice would clean her house up and be ready to receive company.  I remember helping her to do luncheons for the bridge club when she could no longer see to cook.  We always has asparagus bundles.  And fruit salad.  My mama taught me to cook but she didn't learn from hers.  Gaga could only do goulash to perfection.  She was my Gaga, ya' know.  I'm pretty sure I was the favorite because I was first but who knows.  She loved us all equally and spent a lot of money trying to show it.  

In the end, everything my Pawpaw worked for went to things he didn't intend.  There was a lot of enabling going on up in there and Gaga died a pauper.  All I can say is at least she had fun along the way!  Trips galore with Ms. Jack and everybody else.  Some day I will go to Vermont and visit those covered bridges she coveted.  

Jenny with a Y has taught me that history is precious.  I've never gone all out Ancestry.com but Daddy did.  Somewhere in these piles lay the history of my heritage.  Stafford is British and Agee is French.  You see?  We are all immigrants.

I got that fake letter from Biden today promising me more money when I have already gotten what's there.   Fine with me dude.  I'm grateful for what I got.  His return address was the IRS.  I still owe them 16 bucks which hasn't been debited yet.  I would suggest they hit me after payday.

Happy hump day eve kids.  Keep the faith^j^

broken..in the best possible way

I am deep into a book that is a true story but details all the struggles of people who have mental health issues.  Which is all of us, by the way.  This author has drug resistant depression and anxiety and her latest book details how she fought with the insurance companies to get the treatment she needed to get her life back on track.  She has a daughter and a terminally tolerant husband and is funny as hell.  All I've ever read is the funny stuff.  This book has a lot of that but it's also a serious look at mental health treatment and how if we all just be nice it makes things better.  The last chapter I read was a bunch of tweets from readers about their most humiliating experiences.  I can totally relate.  You know like, when you do something stupid and you beat yourself up for being stupid instead of laughing at it.  That's what we have to do.  Nobody will remember.  Seriously.  You'll never see them again!  

I felt something weird today and I'm not sure what it was.  Kind of melancholy and in transition without a lot of purpose.  I did my job and had a joyful time at it.  It was too hot to sit outside for long so we just chilled in the house.  We browsed through pictures of her childhood and she told me who was who.  Man did she love her brother.  

My biggest challenge so far is to learn to write without smoking.  I'm the typical chain smoking writer from a newspaper trying to make a deadline.  Which is why I've been absent lately.  I can tell you this.  Nicotine patches and Himalayan salt have been my go to meds and I use them daily.  

Y'all walk the walk.  Talk ain't nothing ^j^

a new day

I have gone 24 hours without a cig which is monumental for me.  I've been a smoker for 50 years beginning as a little thief who stole my mom's Salems.  Of course I'm using nicotine replacement patches  and various other aids.  My pink salt inhaler is en route and I'm expecting that to make me cough up the leftovers.  I am serious because i hate this bag.  And it burns and stings.  I'm praying not to end up on a vent this time and not have a loop ileostomy.  Is that too much to ask?  Nah.  Pray for it....manifest it!

I got an unexpected mental health day and I'm loving every minute of it.  The downside is that I don't get to watch Kelly and "what she's liking."  Not only do I adore her voice, I admire the way that her show gives us hope by showing snippets of real live people helping others.  Somebody send me a Pilot...the go to pen!

I'm already in research mode sending out feelers to the others here on the farm for info on their stories.  It is not at all about the 1300 acres of THIS farmland, but the stories that go along with all the neighboring properties.  Samaria Bend Community, per se.

Y'all be safe out there^j^

in heaven

The girls came today and it was, as usual, a circus.  I have all these pictures laid out from where i'm going through history and she asked me about who was in that one in particular..  It was her grandaddy, taken at Bristol many years ago. She wanted to know where he is and we told her heaven, where all good people and furbabies go. That was six years ago during the year of death for our family.  They all died one by one.  Ginner.  Aunt Nancy. Pnoler. Daddy. Mama.  I was still working then and barely managed to function.  Lorna's mama Wanda died shortly after my father.  We were both a hot mess.

Grief is hard work.  It comes in waves and goes away for a while only to hit you smack in the face when you least expect it.  Triggers are everywhere. First birthday.holiday/special day without a loved one.  That's why it's so important to keep family connections alive.  We are the only ones who know the stories.

I have a writing project to do and an eager publisher or two.  There's no money involved.  Just name recognition for a wannabe.   Y'all check out  Southern Traditions Outdoors.  

Peace be with you.  "and also with you."  ^j^

dear FB

I totally get that I was spanked for making a comment in 2020 that did not meet "community standards."  I don't remember what i had for supper last night and you're all giving me a warning?  I think not.  None of us need you really.  We can go back to sharing our kid pictures on the phone with those who care.  Anybody who reads me at all knows that I do not write anything ugly about anybody or anything.  Except last year and that is totally acceptable.  I almost died. Twice.  Gimme a break.

I really don't care, ya know?  If they can post pictures of twerking and whatnot, I can speak my mind.  Sounds like they are getting a little micromanagely.  Of course, mistakes happen.  This blog is my platform to speak out and share.  It you censor me I'll find another way.  I had a lovely day at paradise and all was well.  Sunday night will be my last cigarette for awhile so let's all pray on that one.  I'm loaded with patches and oral fixation solutions.  I must do this to get my gut fixed and not end up on a vent this time.  

And

I fired up the grill and cooked every available meat I could find including two of those really skinny steaks from the shady guys under the tent at West TN Vapors.  There were some leftover cheesy hot dogs and HB meat so I loaded it up.  Sometimes I should just shut it off and lay down. 

Y'all be faithful.  Pentecost is coming ^j^ 

lake county lost

I can't tell you how many times I have found myself wandering through cornfields in the Lake/Obion county area, not at all sure where I was.  I wasn't very good at using GPS back in those days.  Once when I was doing a shuttle for John Ruskey of Quapaw Canoe I drove his vehicle back from Hickman KY and ended up somewhere totally off the map.  He would have died if he knew that his truck was being driven by an idiot with no sense of direction.  I did, however, somehow make it to where I was supposed to be.  

My trip tomorrow will be GPS assisted to attend a graveside service.  It takes a lot to get me to the cemetery on a good day but this is a special trip to see some great friends in their time of grief.  I am doing research with local publications to see if they're interested in what I have to offer.  I also have some editorial help so that's cool.  I was driving out of paradise today when a guy weedeating threw a rock my way.  We turned around and went back and me and dude exchanged phone numbers.  As it turned out, it was just a little nick and my windshield is full of them.  Dammit...on my new to me car.  But, I digress.

This I40 bridge thing is way scary.  The truck traffic alone is enough to cause a crack not even counting commuters and tourists.  Those two times that I rode to Hot Springs I was afraid for my life around West Memphis.  I'm talking caravans of 18 wheelers.  Which brings me around to fuel hoarding

Jesus H, people.  You are not only greedy and paranoid but dumb as a box of rocks carrying around trailers full of gas like it's the end of the world.  You are begging for an accident.  You don't have to top it off every day, much less store it in plastic containers to catch your property on fire with a stray lightning strike.  Get real.

I'm tired of stupid people.....the followers and believers who don't know how to think for themselves.  That Trump is still a factor in what is happening in our country right now is absurd.  What the GOP did to Liz Cheney is nasty and typical.  Rant over.

Meanwhile in the land of rainbows and fairies, I'm hanging in there like a champ.  Hope you are the same ^j^

truth or dare

I had a very bad experience years ago with a Nigerian scammer in a Yahoo chat room.  I was madly in love at the time and played that out with whomever was on the other end,  Yes, I know.  Stupid and vulnerable.  Dude asked for my address and then sent some sweet thing like a teddy bear.  He then proceeded to send multiple items to my address and asked me to ship them to Nigeria with a pre-paid shipping label.  That's when I called the law and the investigator said I could keep the stuff because my finances had not been breached and I didn't ask for the merch.  Me being me, I paid to return every single item.  Then Mr. Nigerian started calling me at work threatening to kill me if I didn't forward his shit.  OMG.  Do these people just sit around and figure out ways to screw folks all day??  I reckon so. Do not accept friend requests from people you don't know.  I did that yesterday and it was nothing but 

The girls came for a brief visit this afternoon and they got to meet Sadie.  As you can imagine it was a circus.  She was laying on the horn while Lauren tried to get her settled in the seat.  I believe there was some bargaining going on.  

I ordered some nicotine patches today to get on the road to surgery.  I also got my second dose of Prolia this morning with blood work.  I was tickled to see my friend Tiffany working there and she threw a little Jesus my way like back in the day.  Jesuuuuus!  Lawd have mercy ^j^  Dr Carter showed up in his little bow tie and was awkward and late as usual.  I got the shot before he ever showed up. I hope my teeth make it through all this.  I take twice a day calcium with Vitamin D plus 50K extra units of D3 per week and I care for my teeth well.  That's about all you can do with a case of osteopenia.

His nurse reassured me on the alk phos rise because I figured it was due to new bone growth.  She spoke my language, if you know what I mean.  Lab results will tell all.  The big surgery is looming and I'm ready to get it done.  This bag thing ain't no joke. It burns and it itches and it has to be emptied on a regular basis.  The surgeon told me that if there's not enough healthy tissue to reconnect I could end up with a loop ileostomy whatever the hell that is.  Let's all pray that doesn't happen.  

Always always, remember who you are ^j^

celebrate me home

This is my first Mother's Day in my own mother's home.  She and Daddy moved here in 1956 when I was a year old and they didn't leave until Daddy died and Mom moved to assisted living.  She hated leaving her home of 60 years and I fully understand.  The day she moved, I found her in the bedroom where she had been up all night crying and trying to "pack" for the new place.  That came later.  Millette arrived and whisked her away before she could see me and Bubba having an epic meltdown.  We both swore it was worse than Daddy's funeral.  She lived only five months after that move.

She was my teacher and mentor in many areas including a love of cooking, writing and photography.  She spent many years as a newspaper columnist and published a popular cookbook with proceeds going to build the Family Life Center at the new Fairgrounds.  I am a 4th generation Methodist thanks to her and her mother and grandmother. We never missed a Sunday unless somebody was deathly ill.  There was always a big meal afterward, usually involving fried chicken.  

She was very popular in high school serving as president of ADK, yet she respected my decision not to go that route.  While I was not a really BAD teenager, I refused to be pigeon holed into a certain identity that was based on exclusion of others.  Basically, I was a hippie and she accepted that too.  Not that she wasn't appalled at times, but she loved me in spite of our differences and did her best to make everything in my life special.  She urged me to enroll in MT school and was one proud Mama when graduated from UTCHS at the Coliseum in 1977.  I worked my way through the first three years but they basically bankrolled that last year.  There's no way I could have worked and gone through that last grueling year.  Many did, and I admire their fortitude.  

I still have the chain holding their wedding bands that Millette removed from her neck after she died, and placed on mine.  While Daddy was pretty much unaware of his last few days, she was alert and knew what was coming.  And scared.  Like, really scared.

I keep her close to my heart and in my soul.  She gave birth to me as a young woman and watched me grow into that role and beyond.  She became a grandmother to Lauren which was a pretty sweet deal for both of them because she could do tea parties like a pro.  Mom was a Daddy's girl who never quite got over losing hers when he was 45.  I'm the only grandchild who even remembers him.

Motherhood has changed me in many ways.  I've learned to ride or die for my kid and love unconditionally.  We have both learned to set boundaries in our relationship which is healthy and good.  I see both my strengths and weaknesses in Lauren and they are emerging in the three year old personality of Reaves.  Pass it on girls!

I have been officially adopted as mama by a younger fellow who lost his own years ago in a tragic way.   We are different races and from way different backgrounds, but this dude loves me to the moon and back.  He called today while I was in line for an oil change just to chat and catch up.  Motherhood knows no boundaries.

Happy Mother's Day to anyone who has ever played the mama role with any child.  There will be stars in your crown for sure.

Keep the faith ^j^

a tale of many houses

I have grown up and grown old here on this farm and seen many changes.  Back in the day there were a lot of houses and barns and I have pictures of all of them somewhere.  I had an unexpected day off so my mission was to clean out yet MORE picture albums from the house on the hill.  It almost killed me y'all.  Those steps are treacherous.  Daddy's dark pink peony is about to pop wide open so there will be flowers for Mother's Day.  Oscar has been steady digging at what I've planted down here and he's about to get sprayed like the stray cat does with water and vinegar.  

The farm owner lives a long ways up north and comes twice a year, faithfully, to keep up with what's going on.  He is a thoughtful soul and brought with him engraved stones....one for Daddy and one for mom, to put by the fruit trees.  Y'all i thought I was gonna' cry as we laid 'em down.  I will, you hide and watch.  

By some holy miracle,  my clogged carotid is now flowing nicely.  I believe it's because I used CBD products and reduced the inflammation.  FAB is my favorite.  Especially the flavored drops.  I have used their salve as well on my shoulders and neck.  By yet ANOTHER miracle, I have a ticket to see James Taylor and Jackson Browne in August at FedEX.  It's been rescheduled twice because of the big C so Lord willing, I'll cross one off the bucket list.  

Mother's day plans for me go like this:  Take some of Daddy's peonies for Mama's grave tomorrow and then see my girls on Sunday.  I know Lauren got me a present because I told her exactly what I wanted.  BTW, I can wear pierced earrings again!

I saw my first hummingbird today.  Twice.  I reckon he's the scout.   I just put the feeders out yesterday.  My internet went out yesterday and Forked Deer Connect had me back in business in 24 hours.  The guy apologized for the "delay" and I told him honey, please.  I'm a former ATT customer.  I'm used to waiting for a week!

Y'all have a great mother's day weekend.  Keep the faith ^j^

we are the branches

Mary Beth's sermon today was based partly on John 15 where those famous words were "I am the vine and you are the branches."  As any good gardener knows, you must cut off the dead limbs but also prune the healthy ones to produce more fruit.  I have these little bitty peaches on a tree here at the cabin on a three year old tree.  There will also be apples.  I picked them last year before I was even living here.  I deadhead my flowers religiously so that they will multiply and get bigger.  Truly the farmer's daughter, I was taught by an ag major and lifetime expert on all things outdoors.  

After church I went to Kroger and took my time getting what I've been unable to order online.  It was worth my time to stock the pantry, so to speak.  I grinned and talked back to every little person there with their stressed out parents.  My favorite guy who used to be a bagger is now a checker and I must say he is quick.  One of the things I picked up was a pack of tennis balls for Bubba's puppy Sadie.  On the way home I stopped by the old house and dug up all the tulips that Reaves and I planted plus an iris or two and some herbs that made it through the winter.  They are currently sitting in a bucket in the rain.  Again.

I look at life like the pruning story.  If there's a dead part of you, God will remove it.  But he will also continue to prune the healthy parts so that you may be more abundant which is what it's all about.  

Keep the faith ^j^