freedom's just another name for nothing left to lose

How do I love thee dear sawmill...let me count the ways. I was actually happy to go to work at the buttcrack of dawn because it's been a LONG time since I felt like doing anything other than the poor pitiful me routine. We all take our physical strength and good health for granted until something happens that reminds us that it's a gift and must be cared for accordingly. I've been very active most of my life doing aerobic exercise of some sort on a regular basis until about five years ago. Which is exactly when I started being "puny" as the old folks say. That moderate physical exercise enabled me to get by with a few evils, one of which is smoking, a little longer than most do before they start having health issues. It has also kept me from becoming terribly overweight(which is in my genes) and given me a way to move my HDL up a bit, which is something that is usually set in stone because of heredity. Both of my parents were smokers, with daddy quitting during our early childhood days and mama many years later. Neither brother has ever touched 'em. I'm to the point now to where I can actually manage one without choking to death, but I'm very aware of frequency, triggers and desires. About half of what I have been buying burns up in an ashtray somewhere while I wander off on my mission at the other side of the house. Yeah, I know. Here's your sign. That's all I'll say about that. Just assume that no news is good news and that I stay aware.

I'm all about some author friends and I pulled up to the mailbox today to find the first book published by my friend Joe, the Canadian cowboy and country singer. He and Drew have been my constant soul mates and companions while I've struggled to keep my head above water financially and all other ways. They are gentlemen with, not only talent, but the unique character trait that makes them true friends. Sometimes you don't have to touch somebody in person to know who they are. Thanks to both of you, I have remained true to my self and my values and have looked for a man who has the same qualities that you both bring to a relationship like loyalty, respect and tolerance. Ya'll all know it just wouldn't work any other way, right?

There is a certain freedom that comes with age, and I've been learning to enjoy the subtle changes that seem more of my personality now. Like not caring what other people think or say. And doing the right thing even if it pisses somebody off or breaks a "rule". Nothing makes me crazier than those kind of people who are blindly obedient to authority figures. I mean, good lord.......we live in a country where we have freedoms that others would DIE for and so many of us march along like little soldiers in an army that never questions a damn thing. "It's just easier not to make waves." I've heard that many kazillion times in my life and my philosophy remains that if it's a battle worth picking, it's on like donkey kong until the spirit tells me to go another way. If a battle doesn't get picked, it's because on my scale of 0 to 10 it doesn't even register on the radar. In other words...I don't see it as a problem.

Right now the biggest challenges for me personally lie in caring for my elderly parents without losing my mind causing them too much disruption, and paying the bills. It is a scene that is repeated times a million every day by a generation of baby boomers who have seen their parents outlive the grands by ten or more years because of the advances in technology that prolong life. It's a Catch-22. We live longer, but the quality of that life is often not good enough to actually enjoy. Our national healthcare system is stressed to the limit because of that fact. Well, that and the idiots who try to off themselves and fail. My golly, if I wanted to die, I'd get it right the first time because you get sent far far away for that shit. I've seen every dimension of life imaginable as a front line healthcare provider from pre-birth to post-death, and it never ceases to amaze me.

I'll try to get back to some lighter subjects soon like puppies or babies but it's been a long two weeks. Thanks for all of the prayers and hugs and well wishes..they mean more than you will ever know. We stagger our shifts at work so there's this guy who comes in usually right before I'm leaving on a go in early day. We've been fast friends from day one and he's another one of those like Joe and Drew who grabbed my soul and let me lean on him. His remark today when I asked if he'd missed me was this: "I looked over there and saw you and thought well she really IS alive after all!" He'll be one of the ones left behind when we all head for the hills begin to think about retirement. It'll be in good hands.

BG has been AWOL since the whole flood/pneumonia debacle, hanging out at a friend's house and digging into her new job with both hands. And this? Makes me smile bigger than I have in a very very long time.

^j^