Monday, October 31, 2016

skipping halloween

In company speak, and that includes many industries besides healthcare, an RCA is a meeting to dissect the documentation of something with a negative outcome.  I have participated in one in my career and was absolutely nailed to the wall by a surgical staff that tried to shift blame on the transfusion service.  It didn't work, by the way but was really REALLY unpleasant for me and the other two getting hammered.  The surgery to lab ratio was about 10-1 in each meeting.  The surgeon didn't show up until the very end of the last one.  It was bullshit. It's a very useful tool when used correctly if all heads remain calm and objective.  If the person in charge of the team does not have the respect of those involved and the courage to ask intimidating questions, it's all for nothing.  Just my humble opinion.

So....It's still hot but the light bill went down due to that cool spell so I'll embrace that and say amen.  The cash flow that was divvying up our parents' estate has come to a grinding halt and while it wasn't a fortune by any means, it helped me make it through this year's financial challenges like a hefty raise in rent.  The BK trustee is evidently not going to work with me on a reliable vehicle so there ya go.  I'll just have to get the little annoyances of the Camry fixed and soldier on.  I now depend on others to take me on the road because I'm just not feeling real safe in it most days.  

My phone did an off calendar re-set for DST time so Iasked Tim to call and wake me up at 5 because I couldn't figure out how to fix it.  He even had a note on his shirt to call me and forgot until six am!  Poor guy is about as ADD as I am.  It was a madhouse from beginning to end.  There were a few folks dressed up and I had intended to let out my inner Janis Joplin but was just too tired to mess with it.  

But guess what?  That means we're just days away from a presidential election that has been a shitshow from day one. Thank you sweet baby jeebus and Mother Mary also.  

There is a Thanksgiving plan in motion which may or may not include my brother.  Dude can piss me off quicker than anybody in this world.  Don't lecture me on duty and honor.  You know me like a book and realize that I always try to do what I say.  The emotional load of all this drama, which mostly I have carried, has about worn me out.  PS.  Love you anyway.

Over and out from the lane and BOO!!

Sunday, October 30, 2016

on a mission

For some odd reason my phone did the DST thing last night which is not on the calendar until next weekend.  The alarm didn't go off because I don't know why.  Probably Obama's fault.  Mamye graciously offered to give me a ride to Jackson and we had a nice visit with BG over breakfast at Panera.  That was after we walked out of Perkins with a long wait list.  We did much better, I do believe.  

I wandered around late yesterday taking pictures of my reality and that sort of centers me in a way.  It's really unusual for a family to live out several generations on one farm.  That the homes remaining have history within them makes the story even better.   

Y'all watch out for limping Larry.  He likes to chase cars.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

adventures in south dyersburg

Oh.My.Lord.  I slept like the dead until about 8am when I woke up with a terrible toothache.  Did I get up?  Oh no...I laid there and slept for a couple more hours after the pain subsided.  Waking up slowly, I then headed to ( you guessed it ) the gentral' for supplies.  At the gas station across the street their check/EBT thingy was out so I had to go north to chicken store #2 where Mr. Gene works and Ethel tells me I'm beautiful.  One of the clerks there is 25 days away from delivering child #4 and she looks MISERABLE but keeps on smiling.  Mr. Gene's parting words to me were "be careful out there...there's some crazy drivers!"

My inner pyro took over late yesterday and I torched a futon that's been laying in the yard for weeks.  Fortunately I didn't start anything major and it just went away except for that metal part I have to drag off.  I have a date with Ryan for next weekend to do yard work and drink beer so that will be on the agenda as well as some serious plant moving.  

The leaves are falling like crazy from the maples and pecans.  Color change is minimal and late.  Climate change is real y'all. Mamye and I sat at the not so round table the other day and spun a dream of future business opportunity if we can get corporate to go along.   More later on that....the museum isn't even in place yet.  

This is the day the Lord has made.  Let us be glad and rejoice in it %j^

Friday, October 28, 2016

on being heard

As a healthcare advocate I am tireless in looking for new ways to improve patient care.  Sometimes that doesn't always line up with corporate financial expectations but whatever.  We're there to heal and help sick people.  In spite of a 43% drop in stock value yesterday, I firmly believe that Dyersburg will always have a hospital.  It could be a FANTASTIC one and hopefully will be someday.  We have a lot of talent in leadership at the local level.  All we need is a smaller operating plan.  157 hospitals and thousands of clinics is way too much to manage efficiently even by divisions.  Sadly, it's the American way for healthcare to be bought and sold as a commodity.  But enough about the sawmill....

I'm off for a couple of days to get some rest and sort some more.  It's still hot in the afternoons and coolish in the morning darkness.  Last I heard from my brother he was passing through Gatlinburg making his way back to VA.  It's a longass drive and as much as I hate to fly, to get me there will take just that.  To hell with wasting precious vacay time in a car.  

I found a papershell tree that's bearing yesterday so I've got my eye on that one for sure.  There won't be many but they're a good size and texture.  Larry is (still) here chilling with the tribe.  I haven't seen Lily yet so she's probably curled up in a ball somewhere or chasing snakes.  

There is something in my heart that keeps telling me to do the next right thing.  It may be God or my ex or my parents but I'm listening to the voices.  Against all odds good will prevail over evil.  Not all the time, by any means.  Just one day at a time.  


Thursday, October 27, 2016

pickin' with peyton

Tommy and his daughter Peyton came to visit Aunt Janie yesterday afternoon and she was thrilled to find that I still have piles of stuff for her to go through.  She was a little put off by the dogs but loosened up and roamed around to see what she could see.  I gave her a basket and told her to have at it.  "Ooohhh" she would say when something caught her eye.  "What is this??"  For most things I had an answer but there were a couple of unidentifiable things that we passed on.  A bit later her daddy said "I think you need a bigger basket" so we found another and she proceeded to fill that one too.  Kind of like shopping.  Her favorite was the heart basket because she loves the shape.  She found a mini Christmas tree for her doll house and a whole lot of other stuff.  As Tommy strapped her into the truck, I put her treasures on the seat next to her and she made SURE that heart basket was visible.  Mama's dining table was secured in the truck bed headed to a new home in the BlueRidge mountains. He'll be back for the house moving whenever that takes place.

I've only been back to the cabin once since our last sale.  There are still books and pictures to clean out but nothing else.  That dining table was the last piece of furniture that was our life on Samaria Bend.  I love that the next generation of Staffords will be using it!

There's no other news here so I guess that's a good thing.  Slow news is better than bad news any day.

Happy ladies night ~ Always remember who you are.  

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

bad dog

Beverly sent me a message today that Larry was trying to dig under her chicken coop with is a first for him.  I let his mama know and she was like "OMG" what now!  As a member of the household he has claimed his chair or the hall floor for resting and the rest pile up with me.  It's a ritual and I can only imagine how freaked out they were being in the yard for a week while I was at the beach.  

Speaking of which, I visited with an old friend today and we shared stories with hers involving a two hour visit to Gulf Shores before driving straight the night back home for a family emergency.  That's a whole 'nother story that will play out later.  I thank God for little moments like that to bond with my work peeps.  

Evidently my guardian angel was right over the Camry this morning because as I pulled across the highway from the crossover after seeing NOTHING coming in the dark, I saw an SUV whiz by behind me without lights on.  He got a big fat cussing before I became grateful for not getting T-boned.  

It was busy.  People were snappy...the usual for hump day.  I had intended to visit the funeral home at lunch but was just too tired to make the effort.  I'm sure Big Ernie understands.  I gave my buddy Adrian a heads on on Kustoff and Hobson having signs in the freaking courthouse lawn so now his is right there too.  Positioned directly next to you know who.  

Autumn makes me sad in a way that I can't really describe.  It's bluesy and beautiful but the death of a growing cycle.  But you know what?  It always comes back around to the next season.  That's a comfort in its' own special way.

Leave room for the spirit to work ~

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

small world

I slept late and it was glorious.  Now there are piles and piles of dirty clothes to wash because I fail to do a load a day like organized people do.  Of course I had to make a gentral' run for soap before I could even start.

I met with someone yesterday that I've known for a long time and didn't even realize that we'll be working closely together on quality issues.  That makes me feel warm and fuzzy in a way that only somebody who's been thrown under the bus could relate to.  And I've been thrown several times, BTW.  This is National Respiratory Care week which is in honor of one of the other allied health professions that gets not many back pats.  Everybody thinks we're all nurses!

Heather and Joe revealed the gender of their baby in the most unusual way I've ever seen.  Joe is an army vet with a wild streak so he did a skydive with a BLUE parachute to announce.
He's a great guy even though he likes to say Roll Tide a lot.

Larry is here today after going missing for one.  I figure as long as we can keep him between my house and his he'll stay off the highway.  He slept in the chair in my room the other was hilarious.  Tiny chair...big dog!

Peace and love and serenity too ~ 

Monday, October 24, 2016

centering down

In Quakerspeak, that refers to the process of becoming quiet and still to receive the spiritual message of the meeting.  As in, leaving room for it to work.  My friend the Little General was raised a Quaker and joined the UMC when I was still an active member.  Her congregation in Halls suffered complete devastation of their church by a tornado and my cousin Debbie helped the ladies make wind chimes out of the broken stained glass.  I still have mine.  

I'm dragging like....bad.  Fatigue is something that I am very in tune with these days and too much interaction other than what's necessary just sort of wears me out.  I enjoy visiting with folks 99% of the time.  That other 1% I just need to chill and center down.  

I ran to the drug store to pick up some necessities like coconut oil and a new toothbrush and headed to the DQ for a grilled burger.  I didn't even feel like eating but it was time so there ya go.  It's cool in the mornings and almost hot when I get off.  We seem nowhere near a frost so it seems odd to see so many pecans down.  Thanks Obama.

Leave a message at the beep ~

Sunday, October 23, 2016

something to believe in

Lord have mercy ya'll, I've been busier than a one armed paper hanger.  More work today, but there were blessings.  On one of my rounds I found none other than my 92 year old childhood caregiver.  She didn't remember me at first, but when I explained who I was she mentioned Samaria Bend Road.  Her brother lived here with his wife Margaret who made a mean chocolate pie and had braids all over her head.  We all lived in the same neighborhood so there ya' go.  

Later on in the day there were a couple of other challenges which I met with intent.  Because of HIPPA I can't disclose the details but I can tell you that both situations scared me to death.  I'm too old for that shit.  I'm somewhat of a FB celebrity because of the snake and nobody can really believe I picked him up and threw his ass outside.  Just remember....there was a towel involved.  

I've always been prayerful at work.   When I see something where there's suffering at any level, I pray silently right then and there for God's will to be done and please pull it out of the ditch if possible.  If not?  It was meant to be.  My best friend on the medical staff prays with his patients before every procedure.  Formerly a Lutheran he now is a devout Methodist.  
Natalie schooled me on Messianic Jews yesterday at  lunch and I was kind of inspired by that whole story.  Everybody has one  you know.  And it definitely needs to be told.  I've had pecan pickers every day this week only these ones are people I know and love.  Mo and her crew came by today before Nelson left to go back to NC.  Ron Jr is back in Cali aleady.  We talked about things like the house moving.  The weather is primo right now.  

Other than that, Larry is semi permanent between here and Brook's place.  He's so in love with Sophie it ain't funny.  I've got a feeling there will be more puppy pimping going on around here.  I haven't seen Chester in a year or two.  I'm pretty sure Pete keeps him close to home.  

Grace ~

Saturday, October 22, 2016

in the garden

Today was up and at 'em at 5AM for sawmill duty.  I was met by Tim and Sherry and Nat and Tiffany *jesssusss*.  Marfie Sue was right behind us and on a mission.  It's her 45th class reunion and she's loving every minute of it.  That makes me happy, ya know?  There was no crisis of epic proportions so that's always a good thing.  That full moon was a bitch though!

I took my lunch break to visit Ronald's family at the parish.  After all these years I finally knew all their names when prompted including Walter from the great state of Florida. Brother of Ricky and Sonja.  Our mayor looked weak and fragile but was surrounded by a cloud of witnesses including Jean and Aunt Molly.

I had never met Ron Jr. until today.  As I was leaving I stopped to introduce myself and asked if any of the kids from Northview had stopped by.  "A few" he said.  He told me about a co-worker sharing that HIS kid had done a FB post about Mr. Ronald and his impact on youth.  He was a veteran and mentor.  Kickass griller along with his brother James Frank.  

The grandaddy of all this clan is Son Johnson who helped to build the dairy barn that sits atop Pecan Lane.  Daddy told me that he had a house on the hill (where the kudzu is) and built that barn and the silos from the ground up.  The two houses on our lane were already built circa 1918.  From there it turned into a huge farming operation that was purchased by a man who made a fortune off of a contract with the US government during WWI.  

There was a pond with swans in it right behind my house in the low spot and an asparagus field across the road.  Peonies every freakin' where according to Ms Mary.  There was a chute to send them down the basement steps to be packed for shipment. 

I realize the blessing that is knowing the history of a home that I have known for 61 years.  Every day that I watch the sun set over that bluff, I say a big fat thank you sweetbabyjeebus.  God is good. 

All the time ^j^

Friday, October 21, 2016

girl vs snake

He wasn't very big but sure did scare the bejesus out of me when I walked into the bathroom last night.  I was all ready to do the face wash lay down thing but I had to deal with this emergency first.  (Of course) I took his picture and by the time I returned with a towel for transfer he was on the other side of the toilet.  I got him in one determined swoop and could feel him wiggling as I held on running toward the door.  Out into the night with you serpent!  Go eat some mice.  

Larry is pretty much part of the landscape now because Brook is busy with work and her sick grandparents.  We stay in touch and assure each other he's okay.  Sophie adores him and the boys are warming up enough to let him eat on the porch.  It's cooled off considerably so that they can all enjoy being outside more in between naps on my bed.  These folks got it made.  Just saying.

I have another toothache so it's time to visit Dr. Bobby even before I've made the first payment on the root canal for the bridge.  Lerd.  It's better if I eat soft stuff.  Work was pleasant today with a chance for old friends to catch up on life.  We all know each other so well it's pitiful.  I told my story one more time today, and was heard.  Thank you for that opportunity to bond, dear Lord.  

Somehow I erased this first version of this post so these words will have to do.  Happy Friday even if you're working the weekend.  Which I am.  

Faith ~

Thursday, October 20, 2016

busy busy

Right after my alarm went off this morning I got a text from my boss about a timekeeping question.  I was up anyway but GAH.  I was first in line at the ortho guy's office which he shares with general surgeon guy, both of which treated my parents at the end.  I stayed pretty angry for a little bit over Daddy's predicament but then I realized that everybody did the right thing trying to save him, but that's what killed him.  Mom's was just a big old hot mess of CHF and broken bones.  A LOT of broken bones.  The first I remember was her foot from wreck #2.  Osteoporosis was a big factor.  Anywho, the doc did a thorough range of  motion exam on knee and shoulder and ordered an x-ray.  Thank the lord it wasn't an MRI or CT.

I got through there quickly and headed to the courthouse to vote early.  Only I was early myself and it was 12 minutes 'til opening time.  Well, crap.  Time to go Krogering and swing back by.  Paid the light bill too.  My last stop was at a local upholstery shop to get a quote on caning chairs.  He and I stood out in the street in front of Pennington's watching a cop hemming in a supposed person of interest.  They were talking nice but the boy looked scared shitless.   I could hear the wind chimes inside Mike's store playing their little songs in the breeze.  I've spent the grocery money in there many a time and also with Bill Newsom and Randy Burns.  

Of course I didn't watch the debate but I hear old Donald nailed his foot to the floor while everybody said "told you so."  There were two pages on my ballot today and several names that I knew.  I felt empowered knowing who Jill Stein is and what she stands for.  Same for Hillary and Adrian.  Traffic was heavy and that's a good thing, though I do believe I saw a lot of Trump folks tromping in and out.  There were three of 'em waiting for the doors to open!

My neighbor and Larry's mama is having an episode with her grands that's just worrying her death.  Her grandpa has end stage lung cancer with a prognosis of three months to live.  The oncologist offered a "glimmer" of hope as in low dosage in a not so palliative way.  The end of life folks always have my heart.

Hospice ~

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

there is no I in team

Team building and problem solving are two of the biggest challenges in the healthcare industry.  Clinicians are quick to burn out when on the front lines and usually corporate could care less as long as they don't lose perks or shareholders.  There's an O for every little detail of the entire operation with dozens of divisions mixed in amongst it.  In our case, the hospital is owned by a financially troubled company that went way too far into debt to get too big to fail.  Yet, fail they did. They are now in the process of reorganizing things into parcels that will survive, some of them.  The ones that have an acute care facility within 30 minutes and two in-patients will go, as they should.  Every little burg needs a top notch ER and transfer capabilities that are dependable to handle trauma and obstetrics and surgery.  ICU beds.  To have a patient mix like ours which consists of lots of ER abuse and end stage everything as in-patients makes money but it's also kind of a clusterfuck at times.  I don't pretend to be an expert on these things.  I just have an opinion based on 39 years in the hospital as a loyal employee.  

My worries about the future of Tennova are zero at this point because Dyersburg will always be a dot on the West Tennessee map.  My disillusionment is not with the local leaders but with those at the next level who let employees and the community sit in the dark while they spin deals.  We deserve to know what the plan is.  One of the biggest industries in Newbern just shut their doors and put 58 people on a hunt for jobs.  Around here, there ain't many.  

I've got a doc's appointment in the AM for evaluation of left shoulder/right knee plus a long list of shit to do.  I'm working this weekend so Kimmmaye can go to Florida with hub on a golf trip.  Girl had no clue she was headed straight toward where Matthew hit!

Keep thinking positive.  And keep the faith ^j^

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Deborah Lee and Ronald

KY cousin Debbie and I were inseparable as kids because our mamas pawned us off on each other on many occasions.  She lived in town and had neighbor kids to play with like the Troys a house or two down.  All I had was cows and whatnot.  Their house on St. John was state of the art two story clapboard with a guest house in the back.  After they sold it to the Hutchersons, I attended many a party in that little house out back as a teenager.  By that time the Godseys had moved two or three times.  They never stayed anywhere long because they were old school makeover folks who put blood sweat and tears into every home they bought and then flipped it.  The last one I remember, which they never lived in, we referred to as the "new old house" on Main Street in Newbern.  I was invited to explore and still have several items that I scavenged like a pink depression glass bowl.  

Jimbo the builder taught his oldest daughter to embrace the joy of creating things like stained glass and furniture and pretty homes.  Her house sat right next to the railroad tracks and when the train went by you might as well stop the conversation 'til it passed.  She cooked often and we raised our kids together, with her two boys being the brothers she never had.  They moved to KY and bought a to die for house and the whole thing came unraveled.   

Later she married Ronnie who was truly the love of her life.  She had copd and CHF and was on a hefty dose of lasix to keep things under control.  Her application for disability was almost two years old when she died unexpectedly at the age of 56.  Her beloved Ronnie had been hospitalized in Paducah and she had laid off the diuretic so she could get him to the hospital and back for Protime checks.  Her knees were so bad that she was using a wheelchair to get in and out of the clinic with him.  

Deb was always watching cooking shows like Iron Chef and was doing just that the last time we talked.  She shared with me that she had been off the lasix and gained 20 pounds and my radar went off.  "You cannot do that" was my reply.  She promised to get back on the regimen and we went on to do other things on an ordinary afternoon.

The next day I was at work when I spotted Mo in the waiting room of the lab looking pretty distraught.  Nic was with her and he was morose as well.  As she sobbed, we gathered each other in arms and she whispered to me that her sister was dead.  Our sister.  I was in shock and wailed like a banshee.  Later, I ended up on my mama's floor with my head in her lap getting rubs.  It rocked my world.  So did the deaths of Katherine Anne, Mark and Donna.  Mark was mid fifties and the girls were early sixties.  Both of them died at the same age as their father who had a hereditary disorder which they got.  

My neighbor Ronald passed away from cancer and I'm glad I went to visit him last week.  He was in pain and suffering a lot so I didn't tarry.  At least he knew that I cared enough to stop by.  Family and all that.  His service is Saturday and even though I'm working I'll take lunch for visitation at St. Mary's Episcopal.  Some things you just make a way to do.  

I must admit that I always took family for granted as long as my parents were alive.  Now that they're gone, it's up to me to be the elder and try to find the courage and grace that they had somewhere deep inside of my soul.  

And it shall be, always thus and so ~

Monday, October 17, 2016

groundhog day

i'm pretty sure that's the mystery critter and I got a closer look this morning because dude does not run very fast.  He also made no attempt to get out of the way as if leading me toward my day.  I'll definitely have to google that one for wisdom as I burn white sage.  I know, right?  Hippie or what.  We were talking at work today about my rebel side and Kimmaye said I had flower power.  Most people call it an opinionated lady with a side of kindness and love.  For the life of me I cannot understand why people don't "get" that not only is global warming real but it's now irreversible.  When the bees die, there is no food.  That's how we get into the Hunger Games .thing.  I sincerely hope I'm in heaven before that happens.  

I have always been very focused on family because we have strong bonds that have held way past the grave.  I still have cousins and an aunt and brothers and a daughter and niece and nephew plus a kazillion friends so there's that big huge blessing.  Nobody can understand what it was like to be there like somebody who was there with you', I feel badly for BG in that respect as an only.

Gratitude ~

Sunday, October 16, 2016

going nuts

Most of the good papershell trees are barren this year but there's random wild ones here and there that are loaded.  Years ago I would get on my hands and knees or sit and pick in a circle around me.  Pecans have always been a part of my heritage.  The ones at the cabin did not bear and they're really good nuts.  After that, you bag 'em up in burlap and take them either to Pennington's or Bobby Lowrance out toward Tatumville.  His operation has a blower which makes the picking out MUCH easier.  

When you live in an orchard or grove like I do poachers are always a nuisance.  One time this drunk guy got dropped off by his buddies to wander around with a plastic bag and he ended up on my doorstep asking for a phone and being all pissy like drunks will do.  Another time this old man who came every freaking day had a passing out episode right across from my house and I called 911.  This ornery bastard got back in his truck after they checked his vitals and took off through yard to get around the emergency vehicles and high tail it home.  The EMT said he knew better than to try and stop him!!!!

Down the road is a Hycan tree which is a hybrid kind of thing and quite strange looking.  There are walnut trees in the neighbor's yard.  It's comforting to think that I know the location of every field road and tree around these parts.  That's what comes of living the dream.  

Corporate is coming this week and I'm ready except for a futon laying in the yard.  I have to say that this old house has come a long way.  Taking advantage of two nights' rest, I tackled the dining room floor this morning with door wide open and frequent empties of the mop bucket.  It still needs another going over to be barefoot worthy as do all the other floors.  

So UT got their ass kicked by Alabama yesterday.  Back in the day we would watch that game at Sap's and Bolte would ring the bell every damn time AL made a touchdown.   How annoying!!  Everybody wore orange and it was one big happy drunken party.  Good old Rocky Top.

The moon was amazing even though I didn't stay up late enough to see the whole show.  It rose big and orange and full over the golf course next to the old barn out back.  A sight to behold, no doubt.  

Believe ~

Saturday, October 15, 2016

quiet time

Being a procrastinator usually doesn't work well when keeping up with the finances and such.  I don't have many bills to keep up with and usually have wiggle room but then I make a decent salary.  I can't imagine trying to support a family on minimum wage.  That doesn't even support ONE person except at the poverty level which means "entitlements."  We subsidize big industry that doesn't treat their employees fairly by paying for those benefits.  Part time and temp are permanent sentences for many in today's work force.  Meanwhile, the rich get richer.

There was heavy fog hanging on top of the hill when I woke up.  I couldn't even see the golf course!  My dollar gentral' run was uneventful except for the fatass lady who kept bending over the shelves talking on her phone.  It was obviously all about her.  The dogs got food and I got a biscuit from the gas station.  I'm already feeling the energy of change from that full moon and it comes at just the right time.  

One year ago today something happened that changed my life forever.  I won't go into detail but if you know me you recognize that event as pretty life changing for our family.  I guess it was when we hit the wall, so to speak.  Every time I pass Tiffany's memorial I think about what could have been.  And I am eternally grateful.  

Larry is back and the boys still don't like him around Sophie.  His mama is struggling on a lot of levels and there's no doggie day care on weekends so he's chilling with us.  I've missed his little brindle self.  

Y'all keep the faith out there ~

Friday, October 14, 2016

falling leaves

My grandmother Geraldine used to play the electric organ for entertainment at ladies events or just to amuse herself.  There's one particular piece that I can't name but it came to mind as I scooted through the dried up leaves toward home.  Mama played piano and so did I.  She took lessons from Ms Gerster Neal and mine were with Uncle Jim and Aunt Nancy plus the lovely Charlene Fisher from the Blue Mountain Conservatory of Music.  Daddy's people were from Tippah county.  

He was about my age when he really got interested in ancestry as in but there was a lot of handwritten stuff as well.  All of those volumes are either here or in the cabin waiting to be looked at.  In all my spare time!  I was delighted to find Adrian's sign still standing and this afternoon it was a little straighter.  Looks like they mowed too.  

I have all these random friends who know that I never go anywhere and will usually be seated in the kitchen at the oblong table tapping away.  I watched Michelle Obama's speech and for the first time during this campaign heard the words from someone's heart rather than what speech writers had on the cards.  Okay..I'm sure she had some cards but.  The quivering voice when talking about our children let  me know she was sincere.  We're all precious.  Here's the thing with that:  You can only work so much when dealing with life and all that goes along with it.  In the end, it's a job that if you did your best?  Be proud.  I learned the hard way that overextending for corporate is not a healthy way to live.

People tell me that I look much better these days...rested.  My face is different.  The constant sense of struggle seems to have left me which is timely in the grief process.  My daughter is happy and healthy and that's a gift from Big Ernie.   And yes, I'm staying grateful.


Thursday, October 13, 2016

a chair of bowlies

If I were pressed to choose one artist that is my favorite it would have to be Mary Engelbreit.  My friend Sally introduced me to her signature style years ago when we were doing aerobics and raising kids together.  Her art is colorful and very recognizable and is almost always accompanied by a quote, sometimes silly.  Thus ..." life is just a chair of bowlies!"  My mother always made sure I had the current year's calendar with ME art and sometimes more than one.  Now it's up to me.  

We got rain last night but nothing like what's whipping Bermuda right now.  The rivers in NC are still rising highlighting the hazards that persist way past the eye of the storm.  And poor Haiti.  

On a positive note the Republican party is feasting on itself with one after another rat jumping ship away from the Donald.  If it wasn't so pathetic, it would be funny.  This entire campaign, on both sides, has been based on personal actions not opportunity to save our country.  Perhaps I sound jaded and illuminati like but I don't really think it matters at this point because it's all such a clusterf**k.  Ain't I just a little ray of sunshine? Hey.  I'm trying, and always grateful.  

And the greatest of these is love ~

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

stay grateful

That was the parting message left with me yesterday from Didi.  We've met each other in person once on the side of freakn' 412, no less, but chat often.  We have a lot of things in common including a stubborn streak.  

I spent those two days off piddling and sleeping so the house is still not done.  Closer, but not there.  I may have to hire Bubba's cleaning ladies for a kickstart on the floors.  My bright idea with the cable tie for the washer hose on the Camry didn't work so I have to buy an 18 buck part and find somebody to fix it.  I bet Patterson Brothers can!!

I mentioned the high ER bill that I got and lo and behold BC decides to do one of those "can anybody else pay for this" kind of deals.  Whatever!  For the first time in six weeks I can bend that finger.  The system ebbs and flows and us little consumers just ride the waves.  

Jesus or somebody told me to go visit my neighbor Ronnie yesterday and I'm glad I did.  He's very very sick but I'm considered family and I was allowed a few minutes with him.  The hospital bed was to be delivered later in the day.  The tribe is gathered around him no doubt. 

So the really evil side of me is wondering just what's gonna happen on Halloween when everybody shows up as a clown.  I mean helllooooo....please check your guns at the door.  My co-worker showed me a picture of her own personal piece and she almost had to use it on some intruders last night.  Now this girl weighs about a hundred pounds and is short stuff with an attitude.  Kids beware....janie's got a gun!

No wisdom here.  Just unwinding from the day and enjoying the quiet.  Keeping the faith and wearing big girl panties.  Pondering the next chapter.  

Tuesday, October 11, 2016


I'm doing something to get the text all wonky on this blog where it goes back and forth from big to little.  I'm pretty sure it's about backspacing and deletions.  I try really hard to be a grammar nazi but usually fail.  I slept for 12 hours again no..wait, it was 13 last night.  If I were at work it would be lunchtime.  Today, it's get your shit done at the house time.  The floor is nasssssty.  I'm killing flies and keeping doors shut to reduce their presence inside the Casa.  

I got Adrian's sign planted in a softer spot on the way back from the gentral'.  I ran into my old and dear friend Liz and we chatted in the parking lot, enjoying not being at work and able to talk openly.  Her job was one that went in the last cut.  There will be others I feel sure.  This time last year several were put on furlough until January because of finance.   Our hospital had a good year but the others in our "division" sucked ass so we paid for it too.  That's how corporate rolls.  

Liz and I have a long history.  Our mothers worked together at the local employment office until Mama  had a hissy fit and walked out.  We always call Rosemary "disco lip" because Gurney can smooth talk a blue streak.  I remember being totally impressed with Liz when we ended up putting our three girls in a tent together at Camp Hazelwood and she brought lint fuzz for a fire starter!  I don't even know if Girl Scouts have camp anymore.  Must ask Patti Lou.

I bought another dollar store hose the other day and haven't been able to get the old one off so I pulled out the pliers and WD40 and got her done.  My plan is to wash the car and porch but I should probably wait 'til the bean dust settles.  There are a couple of fields left to be harvested down toward the end of the lane.  The corn fields are being plowed to get ready for winter wheat which I adore.  That means beans instead of corn next year.....yay me!!

I read a very thoughtful piece today about how the church should stay out of politics because : separation of church and state.  Of course the evangelicals don't believe in that but they are putting up a ruckus about Trump and his vulgar behavior and it's worth noting that not only is he a perv but he's got a generation of men looking at him and how he acts.  That doesn't bode well for women.  I'd be willing to be he's a closet Sharia law lover.  

I also picked up a Phllips head screwdriver to use in repairing my grandmother's old chair.  My cousin has the table and all the other ones so I'll clean this one up and use it at the ( not so ) round table.  I've cleared the work table in the living room for projects.  Slowly but surely, it's coming together.  

Have a terrific Tuesday, as Jerry would say.


Monday, October 10, 2016


Hurricane Matthew continues to wreak havoc in its' wake.  The people of Haiti, still struggling to recover from a massive earthquake, got devastated and now the threat of a cholera outbreak is very real.  Their sugarcane crop is almost completely destroyed.  The infrastructure which was fragile to begin with is about to collapse.  And while North Carolina flooded, two presidential candidates put on a show for those who cared to watch.   I could care less because at this point even Mitch McConnell is probably not voting for Trump.  His attitude toward life in general, but especially women, is disgusting.  I don't care how good a business person you are, when there is blatant disrespect and sexual harassment shut the eff up.  Even Madea said so!

The weather is to die for.  Farmer Joey is finishing up beans on this fine windy day but they're downhill so that's all good.  I tried to get Adrian's sign into the ground but it was all rock down there so I'll wait 'til they finish that field and stake my spot for an independent candidate.  

I skipped the gentral' today and chose the chicken store and ATM.  I was puzzled about the banks being closed and remembered Columbus day so there you go.  That can only work in my favor.  I suppose that means no mail either.  I don't get much any more and the covers have fallen off both front and back of the box so I often find in laying in the road.  Note to self:  new mailbox.  

Mamye and I did some bead therapy last night and spelled our names out on the kitchen table.  It's a wonderful feeling to dig through beads and let 'em fall like sand through your fingers while incense burns.  Sounds kind of witchy huh?  I certainly can be and I know for sure that Mamye puts spells on people.  

I love these days...the ones with no agenda and lots of potential. I've finally learned to expect nothing and be surprised when it happens.  

Brotherhood of man~

Sunday, October 9, 2016

where the heart is

Mine is full and broken all at once if that makes sense.  The weekend with BG and work was relaxed and enjoyable.  The first thing she did when she hit the door was start cleaning which is fine by me.  Sometimes it's overwhelming with all these critters.  We came and went and did our own things which is also fine by me.  Heather came for dinner looking all pregnant and stuff and actually glowing!  They were both appalled that I didn't have any clean forks or plates.  Entertaining is not my forte.  Early to bed is my motto especially when work comes at 6AM.  She came by the sawmill to give me a hug this morning on the way back to Madison county.  I missed her before she was even off of Tickle Street.  

I asked Brook for visitation with Larry and she informed me that he's at Granny's house where her Papa is finally home because he LOVES him some Larry.  I reckon he's got his own fan club now.  Last night I noticed this big ass truck cruising down the lane and my first thought was "law."  The truck pulled up in the driveway and out jumped Adrian Montague with my very own yard sign for his campaign in the 8th congressional district seat.  He is an Iraq vet and has no party affiliation which means he's the underdog around here.  The rebel in me loved him from first sight.  We sat at the kitchen table and talked about what he stands for and his history.  I'm gonna' plant the sign down at the end of the lane so as to give it more views!  

Two days off.  It's been a long time since I had that following a weekend.  It was probably just a comedy of errors but I intend to embrace it with lots of sleep and outside play.  Leave a message at the beep.  


Saturday, October 8, 2016


The hallmark of any sort of Anonymous group is that what goes on inside that setting stays there.  You may or may not know these people on the outside, but whatever the case their stories must be safe with you.  It's an important part of a program that has helped generations loosen the grip of whatever their addiction may be.  All 12 steps serve a purpose and don't necessarily go in perfect order.  There tends to be a lot of going back to the beginning.  

The weather is finally beautiful and a cool front blew through as Matthew roughed up the southeast coast.  Work was a nice team effort and I got to go out with BG and her friend for El Patio queso crack.  My morning totem was none other than skunk and he was not dead but smack in the middle of the road.  Needless to say I swerved quickly.  

I have several health matters to attend to including the colonoscopy.  Periodic bouts of muscle spasms keep me stretching and pulling and breathing deeply just to release them.  Somebody said it's just cuz we're getting old.  Lerd, that is so true.

I miss Larry so bad I may just have to go visit him.  Now that Sophie isn't so attractive, he's staying close to mama which is good because she's having some hard times.  Puppy love always helps.  

As a woman and a progressive voter I detest Donald Trump with every fiber of my being.  That there is even a discussion at this point about who will be POTUS is absurd.  When the libertarians line up with HRC, it's over buddy.  

So there you have it.  One more day above ground and another 50 cents richer.  I'll take it.  Over and out from the lane.

Gratitude ~

Friday, October 7, 2016

in the blink of an eye

As I'm going through boxes and sorting I've run across a lot of cards and whatnot from the past few years.  I found a note today praising me as a "super tech" per my peers at the sawmill.  It was dated June 16, 2015 which is when my entire world began to unravel.  Five days later, Pnoler died.  Aunt Nancy had been two weeks before.  That's the one where I ran over Daddy's foot at the visitation.  Stressed out?  You betcha.  

Daddy entered "the system" in late June and was in and out of rehab/hospital until his death in early August.  I was part of a very intense class during that time and on more than one occasion I had to bolt and run to see what was up with him.  They gave me a certificate and free chair anyway!  Thanks be to Beaver for pulling that one on her own.  Our department lost two key people during that time, one due to medical conditions and the other transferred.  It was pretty chaotic from then on out.  

We got Mama moved to the manor in late August and all was well for a little while.  She watched UT have a sucky season with Harry for company and got lots of candy.  They made her get up at 7 which she detested.  She broke her wrist first, and then her hip.  She died on January 23rd of this year during our only snowfall.  

BG moved out in the spring and thus began the journey to Jackson for strictly regimented visitation.  Now, mind you, it's only 45 minutes away but the Camry just ain't safe.  I went anyway.  Lots of times.  It was during the course of all this that I got put under the microscope for sub-par job performance.  I can honestly say that it was almost the straw that broke this camel's back.   When I asked for mercy and a little understanding, all I got was more of the same.  "Everybody's got something" they said. 

I am losing one of my most favorite co-workers of all time and that makes me really sad.  Tristina came to us as a young girl with a child and a love of life that knew no bounds.  Lots of time we danced to tunes while we worked and her enthusiasm was contagious.  Tori attended lots of lab meetings and was the center of attention just by being precious.  To hell with a bunch of power point, right babygirl?

Hope you have a glorious weekend.  I'll be saving lives :)

Thursday, October 6, 2016

disappearing act

I'm not exactly sure what happened to yesterday's post but it's sitting there as a draft not viewable to many.  Honestly, I go on and on so much I figure it's not worth trying to figure out how to restore it.  I'll just start over!  Most of it was about the blessings for going to a gig that I usually detest but did not and how the past couple of times I've been truly blessed to be that at the right place and time.  

Today was very long.  I did some shopping between work and work because so far I still have a job and I desperately needed towels and sheets.  There's a store at the mall that I've never been in even though it's been there for like uh, five years.  Anways, it was cheap for sheets but not on the towels so I had to hit up the gentral' for that.  I got current on car insurance and washing machine payments and still had time to burn when I got to the sawmill.   I was at the shady gentral on Forrest pulling out when a pan handler decided to hit me up for 65 cents and try to make me feel guilty.  I told the old dude I had nothing but a card and he sure wasn't getting that.  He continued to bullshit and told me he knows my husband.  " My husband?" I replied.  "I don't have one."  He said "well got me on that!"

I never carry cash and find myself apologizing to the carhops at Sonic for not having tip money.  Yeah I know.  I'm a pushover sometimes.  Larry showed back up at home to his mama's delight and is now going to doggie day care again.  Plus, Sophie is out of her "special time."  It remains to be be seen if we get brindle puppies out of that little adventure.  

BG will be here tomorrow for 48 hours and of course I'm working half of it but it will be nice just to have her in town.  Maybe we can do lunch at the sawmill!  To all you folks in the path of Matthew, peace be still.  


Wednesday, October 5, 2016


Today was my oncology center duty and I spent it with all the happiest brightest people in the world and some of the sickest.  Trisha and I worked wordlessly side by side sliding our stools best as we could amongst the wheelchairs.  It's like a lab closet.  Anyway..the last time I was there I was treated to a final visit with Pops McDivitt and Addie.  Never one to miss a blessing, I said thanks for that one.  Today's blessing involved pizza and palliative care plus a lighter than usual schedule.  That allowed me the luxury of sitting and talking with other healthcare professionals about compassionate options.  We discussed medical cannabis and how it's a wonder drug for the side effects of cancer treatment and can even help to cure damaged DNA.   But of course PharmaBro doesn't want that.  There is a time and place for opiates but the potential for addiction is so high that it's not worth the risk.  Value added piece:  New ink pen and new friends.

Meanwhile, Larry went to doggy day care today and his mama's grandaddy is really sick so she's a hot mess.  I'm just glad he showed back up!  Sherry at the COC showed me a picture of her dog Ben who looks just like Larry only with a fatter head.  Something about those brindles man.  

Here's to all of us who keep on believing in miracles and hope.  Learning to see those things in the midst of darkness or afterwards is a pretty spiritual thing.  And for that, I say thank you.  


Tuesday, October 4, 2016

what goes around

Karma has a really cool way of coming back around to teach us lessons that should be learned, though not necessarily enjoyed at the time.  It's the learning curve of "do unto others".  Once you experience what it feels like to walk in another person's shoes, perspective changes.  It's happened to me a million and one times.  The hardest thing for me ever has been to let go of worry and the what ifs.  As I have grown in spirit, I realized that my taking on the universe instead of trusting Big Ernie to work things out in time is not a very faithful way to live.  Slowly and painfully in fits and starts, I lost that desire to control.  Fatigue is a major factor.  When it all gets to be too much, I choose peace.  

So yesterday was a slow news day except for Kimaye getting robbed in Paris with an absurd amount of jewelry.  What she carries around the globe in a case could feed a third world country for a year plus provide healthcare.  I have no sympathy, nor will I ever.  The entire Kardashian empire was built on people exploiting each other for entertainment.  If I want reality I'll watch Crisley or Amy Schumer or Trae Crowder gettin' his red up.  

I haven't seen my brother since my birthday so I cruised by the fuel center to pay rent and we chatted.  He has created a nice farm memorial in his home office that includes things from the cabin and daddy's clock from the fair.  We have weathered the worst of it this past year and settled into a comfortable mode where everything isn't an emergency.  When we see each other it's relaxed and informative.  Ohmmm.  We chatted about the sawmill situation and he wasn't aware other than his own personal opinions about where to seek service.  

The Watsons came to visit yesterday in between pressure washing the house and we howled like hyenas over every little memory.  Mamye's incense was burning for the occasion.  She and I pulled out our worry stones and Hippie dug out his buckeye and we all just communed with the universe.  And laughed....a lot.  

If I knew what the critter was that outran me this morning I'd mention a totem but this one I'm not so sure about.  Solid black with floppy fleshy feet and not real fast.  Groundhog maybe?  Perhaps a giant mutant ninja rat.  I've never seen a porcupine but could be.  

I'm a slave to habit and one of my favorite mashups of all time is the one Chucky shared with me called "i don't give a fuck no more."  I listen to it daily to remind myself that my powers are limited and God given.  The ball is in his court, always.  


Monday, October 3, 2016

too big to fail

I've been steady trolling the innerwebs for corporate news and haven't seen much new until this weekend when I stumbled across a piece describing the labor board complaints against the company that have been leveled not just at the original hugeass conglomerate but also extends to their spinoff company Quorum.  Meaning, in my humble opinion, that particular set of dogs won't be easy to unload and will more than likely "divest" as they say in the business.  

In hindsight, I've seen this coming for several years.  Friends who have been through job loss have shared that they knew it was coming but rode it out 'til the end.  Season 7 of Nurse Jackie is so parallel to my work life it ain't even funny.  There are several good facilities in the West Tennessee area, ours being the strongest.  If I were the powers that be? I'd be negotiating with West Tennessee Healthcare based in Jackson.  Solid business sense if they can get the financing for us feeders.  Other than a bailout like the banks and big retailers got, there is no way out.  

I work in a hospital and pay for somewhat decent insurance.  A few weeks ago I dislocated my finger and showed up for work and treatment of said finger so I actually COULD work.  It took all of one hour to get that done.  I now owe the hospital a 100 buck co-pay because I wasn't admitted and Independent Radiology.  The kicker is the ER doc's bill stating that I owe 842 dollars after insurance because "deductible."  And it's October!!!!  You are punished for not getting sick in some twisted way.   There will be more discussion with this particular provider's group.  

Also in my mail was a bill from the dentist who did my root canal and I was pleasantly surprised to find old school value up in there.  Most of the time you can't touch a root canal for less than 700.  His was four.  Gotta love connections.  

At some point, each of us has to decide if we're in it for the money or for the mission.  Do no harm.  Help people in need.  Provide value for hard earned dollars.  Keep your own faith.  In the end, integrity is what matters.  


Sunday, October 2, 2016

god is great beer is good.....

and people are crazy!  I'm beginning to think that my slump is over because I actually care about having a clean house PLUS I'm cooking again.  Today's creation is chicken spaghetti which will be enjoyed by all via tupperware.  Kim said that's one of her make ahead for a week deals.  Lots of butter and cheese and whatnot.  

Of course I had to go to the gentral this morning for my daily fix and there was not a single waterhose to be found.  That means Lowe's which ain't on my menu today.  Larry was back this morning licking his hurt leg and I loaded him up to take him to mama.  This dude literally would not get out of my car until I dragged him out and then he hopped back in.  It gave me the opportunity to see the road again that I remember traveling with my grandfather.  Mama said he told me there were lions and tigers out in those woods.  It's a short distance to the *you guessed it* mighty Forked Deer.  

Larry and I headed back toward home and passed David wandering up to Keith's house for the 100th time.  I remembered that I forgot to give Mozella her B12 so we cruised in there and found she and Helen chilling in the morning air.  Larry crawled out and joined us as we chatted about community news and family history.  I told them that I've never had country fried steak and gravy like my mother made...ever.  She used that kind that had been flattened and fried it up first.  Then came the oven treatment with onions.  OMG.  Mo had to leave for church with Clara Mae so I headed home.  

All the talk is about what decisions will be made about the log cabin.  There are several options and all sound reasonable to me.  We have enough history to create a museum honoring the history of this community and it will happen.  Hide and watch.

This is the day that the Lord has made ~

Saturday, October 1, 2016

soldier on

2015 was a year of funerals for me and mine.  It started in January with Ginner where we were not very warmly received by the surviving family.  There's a story there but I won't go into it.  Both of her daughters preceded her in death as well as her husband Bud.  We attended the service at Cumberland and my friend and ex-sister-in-law and co-worker was there greeting.  She was interim DON until they found somebody who wanted the job permanently.  She left in June which is when Noler and Aunt Granny passed away.  I shared my concerns with her about work but she was on the way out the door.  Noler had cellulitis and went to his local ER at Jackson Madison County Regional for treatment where he was sent home to the Bobby Carter house to die the next morning on father's day eve.

Daddy got sick in July and ended up at the sawmill with three surgeries in two months. It was the perfect storm of strangulated hernias with 30 year old infected mesh which was removed pronto by a local surgeon.  Well, not really pronto, was removed.  He went from there to the local rehab facility with a wound vac for recovery.  I stood and watched as the treatment nurse tried to get it in and working and it was pathetic.  His PCP went to Europe while he was there and told me to call Dr. Haynes if anything went wrong.  That resulted in a direct admit back to the sawmill where he had surgery #3, a colostomy.  He was in ICU for a week struggling to breathe and my friend Dr. A advised just letting the whole thing go.  We did and he died on August 4th, peacefully thanks to Caris.  

Mama moved to Maple Ridge in September and promptly broke her wrist getting from bathroom to bed.  There was a bright orange cast thanks to Randy Olson and she struggled to get things done in that predicament.  The cast finally came off and she was able to go to the All Saints day service at her beloved FUMC.  We heard the bell ring for Daddy together.  

A week or so before Christmas she just couldn't stand it and got Tracy to take her back to church for holiday festivities.  Lauren was on the way to meet her there and i was shopping at Gigi's house of jewelry when I got a call that she was headed to the ER with a broken hip.  Lerd.  The hip was pinned and we celebrated Christmas at the rehab with cheese grits and sausage casserole.  

In January the pinning failed and she was readmitted for yet another surgery to replace the joint.  The procedure was long but she handled it well.  A few days later she developed severe abdominal pain from a perforated diverticulum.  Four IV antibiotics didn't fix it so we called Caris again.  The day before she died I was working and had to scrape ice and snow off the Camry just to get there.  BG was at Maple Ridge and everybody there called in but she managed to get to the hospital and take a nap next to Memaw while the snow fell.  Tommy was there...and Lisa Todd the angel of mercy.  

She was buried in her powder blue honeymoon suit as requested.  A few months later things got ugly for me at work and I just about lost all faith in everything.  Sometimes control can be a really bad thing for the team.  A few friends stuck by me but not many.  When I asked for some empathy for what I'd been through I was subjected to a rant about how I didn't know anything about suffering and I was not doing my job according to corporate standards.  It was a very dark time in my life.  

BG moved to Jackson in the spring and it's been hit and miss what with her having NO car and me having the not so trusty Camry.  We have managed to stay in contact and even visit on occasion thanks be to Big Ernie.  I have very little family left and she is a big part of that.  I miss her face.  

Here's the thing....I know in my heart that it's been "a lot" and I keep asking folks for affirmation of that. was and it always is.  One of my kids Allison and her family lost their Mom today.  Nobody knows why it happened and actually it doesn't matter.  God was ready for Grace to do different things. All any of us ever need is empathy.  

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

I rarely take anything for sleep because I never have a problem crashing.  Since I was off today I wanted to sleep past sunrise so I took a little "helper" which allowed me to sleep like the dead rest until nine freakin' thirty!!!  With no cat harassment!  However she is all up my ass while I type.  What a needy little bitch.

The hunt is on for a new home for Larry.  He was injured in a fight with lord knows what kind of critter and has staples in his leg.  His poor Mama just can't handle the stress of his wandering ways right now so I promised her I'd help find him a home.  He's such a sweet baby.  Surely if I networked to find homes for ten puppies I can find somebody to take this one!  

I went to the 'gentral this morning ( surprise! ) to pick up a clearance hose nozzle so I can wash the Camry.  As it turns out, it's the hose fitting that's spraying everywhere.  Just my luck.  I refuse to get back out so that will have to wait.  My slow leakin' tire was almost flat too so I waited in line at Patterson Brothers for some of that nice guy hospitality at the air hose.  The sky is the kind of blue with white plastered on that looks like a painting and signals fall.  It's dark early now, and that kind of crept up on me.  

What with all the folks dying lately I've been giving some thought to my own funeral plans.  Of course KayKay will be in charge.  I want to be cremated and have a service here on the farm, weather permitting.  Scatter those ashes from the top of the bluff behind the dairy barn.  Neighbor Gerald Brandon has graciously allowed me a spot for a stone in his front yard cemetery. And of course you all know what the inscription will be.