intervention

I got to sleep in this morning for a bit which was a good thing in and of itself. It's a blessing that I was juiced up and ready for what came next. Following a mandatory squat and pee for the second month in a row (random, of course) I was counseled on my erratic behavior as of late. Always the horse who delivers 150 %, I was in question because I had slacked a little. Made some mistakes like everybody does on a bad hair day when the old people are falling and need help or something similar. I may be late to my own funeral, but by golly I show up rain or shine and give it my all. If I am fault for anything it is for not taking care of myself by setting boundaries. That's always been a weak point for the old Poopster. The sand may be shifting, but I can still draw a line.

BG made it back from her work to pick me up so I could meet my brother and chat with the grands about Plan B. There was minimal discussion with a lot of threats made by you know who but it is what it is. It's not like he can call the law and have us arrested for trying to ensure their safety. New girl is very professional and good at note taking so that's a win-win. Helps to fill in the gaps when home health comes to call once a week. Back in the day, home health agencies were a dime a dozen around here. The funding was there and it made much more sense to keep old folks at home than to wear their kids out running them back and forth to the doctor and hospital. That was before geriatrics became a game of milking Medicare. Thanks be to Big Ernie, my parents don't see one of those. This dude is a true hospice provider.

Other than that, it's still cold as a well digger's ass but looks a bit warmer for about a week. Then we head into the teens again. If Sugardaddy would just show up I could rent a room with a jacuzzi and eat bon bons. Hey..there's people that do that and not all of 'em are rich. I've often wondered what I would do with the rest of the lottery money after I ate everything I wanted and visited Belize. Oh, and bought some top shelf booze. There are lots of great heartwarming causes out there that operate locally cutting out the administrative costs of a national organization. Case in point, Dyer County Community Cancer Fund. Google it ya'll.

A blessed hump day to each and every one of you and all ya'lls mamas and them.

^j^

what day is it anyway?

Since I'm not a schoolteacher I'm not actively looking for snowbird to make a visit because frankly, that messes with the fragile balance of getting to work and back to make a living to put gas in the car to get back to work again. That is my life these days, punctuated with visits to the doctor, hospital ER,pharmacy, church and everywhere else. In an 11 year old car with one hubcap, a missing driver's side door handle and no front passenger window. Oh..and an oxygen sensor that's going bad and eating the crap out of some gas. BG is set to start a job this evening 30 minutes from home (no spare) in wintry mix. Talk about a leap of faith! We're sitting right smack on our asses as a result of numerous leaps. My only comfort is in knowing that a good friend who has both our backs lives in the same town. She's on speed dial with him.

Pride has been obedient since the new fencing went up prior to crop planting last year. After a year of having the run of our place I figured he would be mad and try to bust out the remaining stretch of rusty barbed wire that's next to the house. Guess what? Last night was his time! I woke up early this morning to several phone calls and glanced outside only to find his orneriness wandering in the yard. He didn't go far and as soon as I fed him, he was easy to get up. But REALLY??? Caring for him gets me a slight cut on rent, but it's not worth it sometimes. Add to that the cost of living here and you've got a no win situation. Stuck? You betcha. I have considered various alternatives to the financial situation and see it as a manageable thing once there is another income. That's why I haven't jumped on the BK wagon just yet. Besides...you gotta have $$ to file. Which I definitely don't have :) We ate last night thanks to BGs friend and my mom's cabinet. The friend barely has food for her kids so that means a lot in an of itself. Little miracles. They meet you where you are.

I made a run to the hospital this morning to visit my aunt granny and found her doing well, if a bit confused. After that it was down to the grands for allergy shot and head check. I was in the kitchen and my mom was telling me from the other room how to fix the fence. Daddy bared his arm for the shot that he probably doesn't need anymore, but is part of his ritual. It's warm and cozy in their house and a welcome relief from being in one room with space heaters. So is work, even! The car is sort of chilly because of the now window thing, but we're getting by so far. Sometimes, you just have to laugh to keep from crying. Know what I mean?

All happy thoughts appreciated ^j^

the evidence of things not seen

I was raised as a Christian by two very devoted Methodist parents who took me until I chose those beliefs as my own. My friends were almost 100% Christian as well, with only a few Jewish families living here. My friends were of many different denominations and we sometimes visited other churches and got a real shock compared to the rituals and liturgy of the UMC. First time I saw a guitar on stage for worship it was an event! It wasn't until I became a "heart" believer rather than a head one during my 30s that I began to see how Big Ernie had moved in my life all that time before. A Baptist friend shared with me once how she always wondered what "being saved" was like because she had never felt that. I can relate in many ways. Altar calls are a good way to get the sheep down front but a whole lot of it has to do with if you're really ready to believe. In what? That's a personal decision and using those beliefs to further a political agenda is not what J would do, in my opinion.

Faith has come to me not in big bolts but small doses of getting kicked down and refusing to stay there. My life compared to the rest of the world's population is about as blessed as you can find, even though I whine about the drama a lot. BG and I had a conversation today about PTS and as I cried she explained how the whole thing works in your brain and through therapy, which most returning Iraq and Afghanistan vets are not being offered. If they are, most of them can't afford to take time away from trying to make a living in our post war economy that's almost a depression but not quite yet. There are soup lines in every town now, and not just for the ones who didn't try to make it. All you can do is the best you can do.

My daughter reminded me of the fact that we have seen a miracle in our relationship that wouldn't have been possible without BE being all in the middle of it and listening to our prayers. Nay..knowing before we ask what is best. That's my philosophy on spirituality in a nutshell. God knows what you need without a request but it doesn't hurt to say thank you now and then. Forcing gratitude is a habit that pays off in many ways emotionally. It gives the believer a reason to keep trying in spit of astronomical odds. And that is faith, pure and simple. Everybody's got crosses to bear and struggles. Paying forward by helping out when the need arises is a no brainer. Miracles do happen.

It's about to be cold and icy here so I'm glad we got the Camry out of the asparagus bed yesterday. How did it get there you ask? Well..I was wheeling around the (empty) propane tank to park behind the house and slide right into the damn thing. A couple of guys pulled me out with a gator as one of them muttered about "fixing stupid". Note to self: don't drive on wet grass because there's a shitload of mud under there. Me and all the dogs snuggled together for warmth, just like the old days of a "three dog night".

I believe in the goodness of mankind and that has never failed me. I've been disappointed and shocked at reality sometimes but the hope always shines through lighting the way for me as I trudge on.

Keep the faith ^j^

losing control

This my third day without celexa and it shows. Not to mention that I'm broker than I've EVER been in my life ever. We have no food, just enough gas to get to work and back and try to stay busy. My salary is the only one that is consistent and it's not enough because of the huge hole I'm in. Robbing Peter to pay Paul and cashing in cans is a way of life. It's been a long hard road since the big money of the eighties. Funny thing is, most of the folks who had it then still have it plus more. Me? I'm sittin' here trying to figure our what to sell. If I didn't know that so many others have it so much worse, I'd be suicidal. Our friend got her electricity turned off yesterday after the landlord kicked out a family member for being a drunk. The (step) had it all cut off and she's going from church to agency trying to raise enough money to get lights back on along with the water. Two kids and her. There's a special place in hell for people like that.

We had a meet and greet with the newest member of our little "village" today and my brother and I were totally impressed with her professional attitude. Lots of experience and a very nice lady. She'll be working in tandem with Ms Faye, bless her heart, so maybe things will get a little less hectic. He took me to lunch and we watched a couple next to a corporate jet checking it out. No doubt that was theirs! It's Friday, fish day of course. Great white beans too. Then we meandered around delivering the pictures that I took for some old friends and taking in the view over the very top of the hill. It's breath taking in any season, but especially so now covered in a blanket of green wheat. The air is warm and breezy but the rain and cold are about to return with a vengeance.

The very thing about their situation is that they are trying desperately to control the ending of their lives and it doesn't work. If I knew I'd be gone tomorrow, I would just sit there and have a beer and enjoy life. I cannot tell you how many random trips I've made for everything from bandaids to shaving cream over the past 5 years. We found ourselves telling D about how we got from here to there and she knows the entire history of how we came to be and still are. It's a classic piece of American history if there ever was one. And I have tearfully begged my daughter to not let me do that to her. As long as I have a comfy place to crash and somebody to share chores, it's all good.

Other than that, I'm oblivious to what's in the news. I did hear that we don't get to file until Jan30th, I guess so they can hold onto our money a week longer. The economy has collapsed literally under our feet and the high rate of unemployment is an indicator that corporate America does not respect the citizens whose jobs have been outsourced. Buy local, ya'll. It's what the cool kids do.

Over and out from the lane ^j^

doggie style

When I picked Oscar up at the shelter yesterday a young man brought him up front carrying him gently and transferring him to my arms. He was shaking like I've never seen before and didn't stop until we got in the Camry with him on the console. That's when I slipped the leash over his neck and began our mission to thank the people who saved him. Last I heard there was a lot of conversation about the story on both sides of the fence with the lady who allowed us to adopt him squarely on Oscar's side. Some other lady said that he should be weighed and whatnot to make sure he was eating properly. The guy told me straight up that he is a joy and looks happy and healthy. I mean gah..he sleeps in the bed with me! That gets kinda prickly when he's got the burrs all stuck in his coat. He slept for almost 12 hours after we got home.

My friend Kim lost her baby today to a speeding driver who didn't even stop to check things out. Makes you wonder about people who are capable of doing that. At least put 'em out of their misery if it's not over or say I'm sorry to his owner. I'm really beginning to find my inner child these days, and she's pretty pouty. More and more I feel invisible to those around me who are caught up in their own respective dramas. Most of them have nothing left to give to me but I sure do need it sometimes. There are two or three at the sawmill who are always there with a hug and to let me cry. The rest of them just think I'm nuts and pretend not to notice the red eyes and sniffles. It is what it is, and however Big Ernie sees fit to feed my soul, I'm down for it. I'm transitioning from two crazy pills to one so that's a factor also.

Speaking of what is, my parents are doing as well as can be expected in that situation. I've let go of it again, content to let BE guide the ship. The more I try to "fix" it, the worse things get. We are one stress test away from giving up the ghost on diagnostics other than a little blood draw now and then and a visit to the geriatric guy. We have leads on a couple of folks who might pick up a few hours in the afternoon. Financing for them separately, i.e. nursing home for her and home home for him are not there. Period. And it's not Obama's fault.

I continue to find friendship and peace through blogging and photography but rarely have the time to pursue those things. Life consists of keeping gas in the car to get us to work and back so that we can repeat the whole process. Lather.Rinse.Repeat. Ya'll think I need a vacation????? That my last one was a freebie on my mom when BG graduated college is a scary thought. Not even a dang long weekend! Vacation used to be something that was planned and dreamed for. I'll never forget the day out by that beach when I threw out a random song request to the "entertainment" and they actually manged to come up with "How Long" when I asked for a Robert Cray tune. Big and Little are headed for that area this June as a celebration for two hard years of cancer treatment. Love 'em to death. He's an English teacher/coach which is kind of a weird combo. She is Quaker and proud of her heritage. There are grandkids now and everybody goes on vacation when they do it up. We met at work over thirty years ago and have shared joys and sorrow, peaks and valleys all that time together.

humanity

Today has been one of those where I saw my true colors displayed all over the place. The manager of our municipal golf course stopped by yesterday after dark to tell me that some guy (knew his name) had been enjoying a cheap day of play on them and scooped up Oscar for a ride to the shelter. No tag, you're busted. This dog rides on the console between me and BG to the sawmill at 6AM in the cold with collision film whistling in my ear. They were closed by then, but we had a lead thanks to the trustee who saw the whole deal go down over by the cart shop. Needless to say, I was on the horn this morning promptly at 10 to inquire about said missing cute as hell dog. He reminds me of my daddy in a way...all furry and resisting comfort care. We adopted Oscar after he was abused by someone in the neighborhood who was carving out flesh from his back. The local humane society paid the vet bills to send him up to our house where he has it effin' made in the shade.

We stopped by the pro shop on the way home to tell Bobby thanks and the guy on duty said he was at the dog pound. Oscar was on a pink leash meaning he was not real happy about being led around but was enjoying the attention. The guy on duty had a nice I Phone and dialed him up real quick like only to find that he was in the lot at the "pound" about to go in and bail his buddy out. Dude gave me the phone and we talked about the whole ordeal while Oscar sniffed around and learned not to run so wild. That is exactly what gets your doggy ass in jail. He told me that Oscar helps the course out by keeping squirrels in the tree and moles dug up and killed. And then? He offered to give me back the seventeen bucks I spent on bail. That is a dog lover for sure. Said he had lost one recently like us. I'm thinking maybe I can get him a bath on the city's dime.

At this moment he's resting up from his latest adventure on my not so clean bed. Maybe between now and nighty night we can fix that. Two days off...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

stafford fit

I think opposites do indeed attract and that's why if you are, say..very OCD, you usually end up with a few just like yourself when it comes to task oriented things but also a handful of laid back gals like myself who can shoot the shit and let the organizers put the details together. Tit for tat. In case you're not well acquainted with the Poopster, I am the opposite of OCD in a wandering piddly sort of way. Nothing ever LOOKS organized in my house but there are piles and I'm going through them steadily. It's like I'm preparing to move and only want to keep what's really meaningful. That's what is so cool about living in the country. I can light a fire anytime the wind and ground conditions are right and it's legal. Including couches!! I've danced around several in the moonlight out front of the barn. Horses thought I was nuts.

That fire pile has been the site of many a party, most involving tailgates and lawn chairs and coolers. It is a rite of for teenagers and I was here for them while they learned limits and firmed up boundaries. Or not. At least I knew who was where and that everybody was okay. Sounds crazy I know, but they all look to me not as party mom but friend. As Martha would say "it's a GOOD thing" to have people of the next generation who think you're special. They will be my keepers as I age.

Daddy's new doc is (of course) middle eastern and we had met at work and when mom had her little spells. He came here from New York and asked when he landed in our 'burg what there is to do for entertainment. Uh. Sorry dude. All we have is a few beer joints and a Moose lodge. I about choked when I read about the Indian guy who was poisoned the day AFTER his lottery check was cut. Oh my! Sounds like a murder mystery in the works. Meanwhile, the president is doing some serious soul searching about who needs to lead us through the rest of his term and onto something that resembles peace. You see? Here's the thing I don't get. There are so many lesbian and gay members of both parties, yet the dems embrace it and the others just pass judgement on other people for their beliefs concerning family planning decisions. As long as I live I will never forgive the GOP and Susan Komen foundation for using strictly personal religious beliefs to affect funding for those who attempt to take care of themselves. Hey, you gotta start somewhere.

I ran into a friend today who is dealing with the same scenario parent wise only it's just him and he looked mighty weary. We talked in the hallway as he prepared to look at the options and make decisions with them. I found myself telling him what I embraced so fully back in the day...nay 15 years ago when I first became fascinated with hospice. My favorite Christmas ever was the one that I got some hard back clinical books on the subject! Mama thought I had lost it. EK Ross had me from hello. I wrote her a letter when I finally read The Circle of Life and found a few months later that she had died before reading it. Hopefully someone else did. Our stories are what makes up the heart and soul of being human and if not kept alive by the current generation will be lost forever.

Sammy and I are huddled up in our little cave staying warm together. A friend remarked the other day that he didn't know what Sam would do if one day I didn't show up because he starts pacing about 1:15 wanting his mommy. It's such a treat to drive up after a day at the sawmill and see three smiling faces. (notice i didn't say five cuz the horse don't grin and neither does the cat). Usually Pride turns his backside to me while I'm washing dishes. What an ass.

Never mind about Friday...it's not even hump day yet ^j^