self reflection

Ryder has found, and proceeded to bark at, herself in the mirror and that's the funniest thing I've seen in the while. When she's on my bed she can clearly see that other doggie and it drives her nuts. When I look in the mirror, which isn't too often, all I see are old tired lookin' eyes staring back. Rode hard, put up wet so to speak. I've not had a really "tough" life by some standards, but it's not been easy either. The most important thing to me personally is to never EVER quit trying because when you do, the devil has won. I've also come to realize that when you knock on a bunch of doors that refuse to budge even when you try to push 'em in, that's Big Ernie telling you to pick another door or path. Yesterday my friend Lorna and I wandered around the season opening or our local farmer's market and down the trail to the Forked Deer river. Around 50 canoes, half rentals, put in at Roellen and floated to downtown D'burg on a beautiful breezy sunny Saturday morning. I made cool new friends in the canoe team that we picked up for shuttle and that makes a day worthwhile in my book.

Friday I visited an old friend and co-worker who is suffering with liver disease from chronic HCV. She was at one time on a transplant list, but was removed when her lesions turned cancerous. Hepatitis C is indeed the baby boomer disease because it wasn't even named and tested for until the early 90's following HIV testing in the mid 80's. Formerly known as nonA-nonB hepatitis, Hep C can lie dormant for years until it jumps out of control and takes over liver function. Treatment of choice often includes therapeutic phlebotomy to remove excess iron that may deposit there. Interferon is the drug of choice, which is chemo and nasty. Not very good choices, ya'll. I know in my heart that anti-viral drugs that aren't a death sentence can be produced in a country where pharmacy technology can sell high price pills that give you a four hour boner. Not that I would even begin to know what to do with that!

While out to (you guessed it) breakfast with Daddy, I noticed one of the teenagers that used to be in my SS class sitting at a table with his wife and ...CHILD? Good lord, when did all that happen. Afterwards I ran into another one of them at the chicken store and I told him they had "grown up good". Another one of my kids, an "adopted" daughter and her longtime BF will be tying the knot next weekend. It's been a long road from there to here, and this celebration is sure to be a grand one.
BG missed the bachelorette weekend due to lack of funds, so they did their own little thing Friday night while Steve and his buddies did the bachelor bar tour.

Mom is doing much much better and getting around like before it all went to hell in a handbasket one Friday in March. Daddy is getting more and more ornery and the new meds arrived yesterday so we shall see how that flies. There's a lot of wiggle room with that particular drug, so it's worth a shot. All three of us are due at the doctor's office next week to discuss what the current situation is and options for the two of them. We shall also see how THAT flies. There was an early morning shooting at a club on the highway about two miles from my house which freaks me the eff out. Gang and/or drug related, I feel sure. It is slowly creeping toward the 'burg from the south again years after the dissolution of the junveile task force that stopped it cold years ago.

Still no sugardaddy, I'm sorry to report. The house is a wreck and the dogs have ticks and I'm already broke two days after direct deposit. But you know what? I'll never give up trying and never stop believing that karma is real and that the glass is half full ^j^

rollin' in the deep

Allrighty then. Today has been splendid in that the right tendon isn't sore to the touch, thankyouverymuch stretches and naproxen and numerous ice packs. Somehow, I think it's all related to that right sided weakness that includes "the bitch" on my shoulder blade. She jumps on touch, I swear. Sometimes all you have to do is LOOK at her! We watched a show about dogs in NYC simply because one of 'em looked just like Oscar, only with worse teeth. He got about fifteen minutes a day in a harness because they both work and there's kids and...you get the picture. The handsome trainer showed them how to handle their pet by not putting him in a protective status for one of the family members. I was amazed because we've done the same with our version of Oreo. Poor Ockie has issues from having his back carved out as a puppy. Shame on you crackheaded cousins! He still follows his mama, who calls him Scooter, when she goes for walks. He stopped short of going to the chicken store with her though. This dog knows where he's got it made, just like all the rest of the critters. Ain't no better place to live than with a middle aged smartass hippie peace freak and her spawn out in the country.


We've been hearing water running for days now, and the pressure is bad so I called my brother who called the plumber who told him to tell me to check the pump to the horse trough. Which had a busted hose. If I wasn't just a girl I'd have probably checked that a week ago, but what the hell. The whole time I was looking for the cutoff I was praying that Mr. Snake wasn't in there. I get paid tonight at midnight thanks be to BE and head into it about 200 bucks in the hole from bank charges and whatnot. BG has no job like many Americans, with 25K of federal debt on her head because she believed that she could make a difference in the lives of people who have no resources. As far as I can attest, she has done just that driving people to shop and pawn stuff and whatever it took for them to survive that day. If the banks never get a dime of her money, she's doing what she was trained to do with firm boundaries in place. Social work rocks.


Today is the first day in forever that I feel like there might be a light at the end of my tunnel, or at the very least around one of the bends. Our farmer's market opens Saturday with canoe trips on the Forked Deer which is something I never thought I'd see ya'll. Thanks be to all those who have explored the options that lie in our waterways. Long ago, that was how things moved, remember? Then came trains and oil and all that shit and the profits therein and we commenced to destroy the earth one gift at a time. Don't even get me started on OPEC. They're right up there with big box stores in my book. That's also the one who remembers what it was like to go to the dime store with greatgrandma and have a fountain coke while parakeet shopping. Baby boomers have seen a lot change in the techno world during our lifetimes, sweating our way through conversions from manual to electronic records. We know who Elvis and Hitler were, though there's really no connection other than our days of growing into adults raised by post WWII parents during a time of great social import'.

Segregation is an issue that made a huge impact on me as a young southern girl. I was raised side by side with a family that was colorless, yet the schools and government agencies and just about everybody kept them on the other side of the fence. Martin Luther King is one of my personal heroes, along with Jon Stewart and John Cusack. Let's see what kind of search THAT combo generates! Our mayor Ms. Mozella is a longtime Methodist like us, and has recently started church hopping because she doesn't like the preacher. My suspicion is that she is quietly mapping her passage to glory, just like mama and daddy. Bless my mama's heart, she just wants to make the whole thing easy and fun for everybody.

As all southern girls say when in a pinch.. "how nice"

today's news

Okay ya'll...enough already with the porn star who eats people. Ditto for the bath salts guy. These people have seriously deep rooted psychological problems and deserve what they get. I'm not big on capital punishment so I'd say dose 'em up with lithium and seroquel and get on with what's important. Like keeping the damned old conservatives in Congress from electing Mitt. I didn't vote last election, but this time I will. Since then I've learned it's not about the front runner but the ones who are abusing the lack of term limits. Mitch McConnell...that means you. Take a pill and go to the home where for profit healthcare treats you real nice during your final hours. Bill Frist? You too. Don't tell me this bitch don't remember because Terri Schiavo will forever be on my heart.

I remember sitting at my friend Billy's funeral bawling my eyes out with bossfriend. He died of a massive heart attack at the age of 43 down in the tunnel where people hide when there's a tornado. We had been friends for the years that he worked for a local construction company, remodeling the facility that was built in 1957 by county government. I was born in the Baird Brewer building up there by the Methodist church. My friend JoAnn was born the same day and we didn't even know it until we worked together years later. Looking back on Billy's funeral, I see now that it was an omen for my salsa sister. Shortly after that her daddy was killed in a crash with a log truck on the highway in Gates. The grandkids were youngish and she and her brother were devastated. The chaplain and I showed up for a packed house at the funeral home and followed them to the cemetery in the pouring rain. That is also something I will never forget.


Propane guy and hand surgeon have been sending me hand written messages on their bills lately so I guess it's time for a second job or sugardaddy, whichever comes first. As an optimist, I'm counting on the second job. Or at least equal pay for equal work. I'm not too sure what the whole Wisconsin thing is about, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't concern me. Not does the gay pornstar cannibal in Berlin. Shame on you YouTube.

^j^

stats

In my paying line of work, stat is the term we use for something that is critical in nature and needs to be tended to in a "drop everything" fashion 'cuz somebody's real sick. Well, that's what it's supposed to mean. About half the time it means the doctor forgot something until the last minute. The abuse of this term, as well as that of emergency rooms across the country is just one small part of the broken system that is healthcare, no matter which party's version you believe. Other than neutering big pharmacy and insurance, we're all at the mercy of people who mean well but who are burning out from doing more with less. Other industries are facing this as well, not just us. And for what? An American dream that we once saw and failed to appreciate enough? Yeah, I'm in a mood. My friend Rocko blew through today with his usual church hug and tall tale about the beach which he knows just kills my soul. God love him, he introduced me to one of his associates as his "blogger" friend! That was back when I was still in the outhouse and poop was happening all over the place. The lovely Tamara designed that site with love and care and didn't charge a dime. It's still out there girlfriend! Most of the time that I was writing there, I was either on a rant or feeling sorry for myself, or both. My brother and his wife ran a home business so they tracked stats to see where their market was. That business started in their house at the end of Pecan Lane and it was sold to finance their move to the mountains of Virginia. I admire their conviction in busting their butts and working together to raise children and run yet another biz. I'll never forget the day I watched that trailer with all those totes head out toward their life ahead. Even the UPS guy showed up and walked alongside with us. Two dogs went along and lived happy lives with kids and big open fields to run in. That, my friend, is the American dream. It's my turn with the mower and my job is done. Two rains have thickened up the orchard grass so it's fixin' to be a mess out there. Plus, I'm taking care of the edges by the field so my friend Mr. Snake doesn't take up residence. I wish I had a video of me lurking around everywhere outside watching for the evil one to just be in my line of vision. Ya'll would laugh your asses off, I swear. I mean I'm talking total freakout and that's dangerous for somebody with blood pressure problems, ya know? Just kiddin'..last time I looked him squarely in the eye as he hung all over the bush and said "Hell to the naw!" I think he heard me.

against all odds

We are so accustomed to bad luck that I was quite pleasantly surprised to find that I hadn't been "unplugged" when I got home from the sawmill today. I suppose that means I am to taptaptap for one more post before they cut me off. This morning I found BG's phone in a puddle of water left behind by my discarded ice pack so I quickly took it apart to dry. Don't know yet if that worked but we shall see. A book that I ordered not too long ago came in the mail, a guide to writing and publishing magazine articles and short stories which is something I think I could manage with a minimum of stress. There is something about the word "book" that just makes me want to crawl in a hole and hibernate because it seems such a massive feat from where I sit. I told a friend yesterday that I feel like the book itself is already written, it just needs to be pulled together. We text in code: me telling her don't call HIM, and she telling me simply "book." Last night BG and I were happily singing along with Adele and Matt Lauer, anxiously waiting for "Rolling in the Deep" when the damn weatherman cut in to warn us of tornadoes on the way. How dare you Tim VanHorn! Anywho...we missed our song but also got lucky on the weather so there you go. Mysterious ways, and all that. I got summoned to the front desk this afternoon which normally means a drug screen or something but instead I found my co-worker from EMS relaying a message from my favorite patient Ms. Olive that she was in house and wanted a kiss. Needless to say I wasted no time scurrying around to give her some hugs and stuff. She is absolutely precious, and knew to the day how long it's been since a cig and a beer. Her potty mouth is one of her most endearing traits, as well as the fact that she adores me and one other laboratory person who is the pathologist that stuck a needle in her backside ten years ago. That is when we first met, and she still says I'm her "favorite nurse". I don't bother to explain that I'm not a nurse because, what the hell. Everybody else thinks that EVERYBODY who works in healthcare is a nurse. My calendar is filled with appointments, most of which aren't mine of course. There's a joint visit to the old people's doc for the grands next week as well as one for me and my FNP who tries to keep the old BP and nerves under control. So far, it's day by day. The BP med that she changed me to worked like a charm but costs 50 bucks so that's not an option. We've gotta find something on that cheap list! It's so pathetic that someone with good insurance who works in the field still has to hunt and peck for cost effective cheap medicines. Very disheartening when I see that premium coming out every check and can't afford co-pays. On the flip side of that, my bossfriend's husband is alive today ONLY because he had that same insurance to pay for his treatment with a recently diagnosed autoimmune disorder. Otherwise, the dogs are eating more and more and learning to get along with Ryder in the mix. She needs shots ($175 over the next 12 weeks) and definitely a spay which will be out the roof but is better than more puppies. It's so special to watch she and Faith bond as mother and daughter. I sold the JT tickets to a lovely couple whom I know will enjoy every minute of it. That makes me smile, picturing them on Mud Island singing along with Sweet Baby James. The last wave of grief seems to have subsided for now and I'm eternally grateful for that because it just hurts like hell to be down in that hole without a shovel. The interest alone on my debt to the loan sharks is 180 bucks a month, which is a bunch of crap but something that many people depend on to survive when disaster hits. Which seems to be fairly often around here! This too shall pass. As always, we are leaving room for the spirit to work. BG is out job hunting today following a departure from something that was simply "a job" that she did very well and got thrown under the bus over...one more time. There is a devil lurking up in that situation so I'm glad she's outta there. With thunderstorms comes humidity and it is out the wazoo today brothers and sisters. I've been fantasizing lately about beach and surf which means it's way past time for a visit. Maybe later, ya know? Happy Monday...slap it on the ass on its' way out ^j^

farmer's daughter

There is inside each of us some scared little kid who wants to control the world so as to feel safe and whatnot. Mine comes out on occasion to torment the hell out of my soul until I am forced to let it go and be what it is. My father has always been one to control, a trait that was picked up from a childhood of hard work and not much loving. His daddy was the meanest old goat I remember from that side of the fam. They sharecropped most of his young life, even the girls. It was a very harsh time for the little man, much like today. They had seen the collapse of Wall street and all the jumps that accompanied it. One of his sisters married a rich man who sold furniture and she was about the luckiest one money wise. They lived in this dream house in a fancy subdivision and had one kid so we piled up in there for holidays. I'm talking black marble bathroom fixtures ya'll..in the sixties!! Another sister was married to the police chief and the baby girl lived in Minnesota with her family. her husband died a few years ago from ALS, and Bud was gone long before that. The first funeral that I really remember attending and grasping the meaning of was that of rich uncle CH. He died early of heart disease leaving his fortune to a wife and son who went through the whole wad, just like in my maternal family. Lots of alcohol, drugs and high living will burn it like a wildfire. I remember sitting with her as she was on hospice for terminal cancer watching the birds on the deck and thinking about all the times that we had gathered as family there. She died peacefully at home with her family in attendance and that's the way BE likes it, I believe. My great grandmother Ethel Inez died in Gaga's house with several of us there. When it comes right down to it, you do what has to be done. The farm on which I have been privileged to grow up was bought with the riches of a St.Louis man who earned it selling rain gear during WWI. And it's still here all these years later. My mind wanders over every little crevice,creek,house and barn with almost 58 years of memories to reflect on. I never realized that it wasn't "just me" with daddy's fits until momma kindly explained to me that he had never been shown love like she got from her own father. He didn't know how to do something that was foreign...a gift never given to him. Something in me turned on a dime and embraced the fact that he loves me the best way he knows how, and is somewhat appreciative of my contributions to his schedule ;) The evil OCD demon has taken control of his mind, racing ahead constantly to choose the next thing. Never just "being." What torture it must be for both of them to be so limited. They have their memories, just like I have mine. Nothing will ever take them away, not even death. My daughter has shared in most of those, and for that I am eternally grateful. Big hugs and prayers back at everybody who's hanging with me through this. It shall pass, I know. Sometimes it's just the waiting that gets to you. ^j^

misery and company

BG and I are both sick with some kind of epizootie that swells the throat and gives one's head the feeling of being under a bucket. Loss of hearing too. Plus feel like poop on top of that. That, combined with our lack of funds, has her absent from the babachelorette party and home with mom and no teevee. Fun times! We watched "One for the Money" yesterday and were amazed at how the actors were all cast just as we had imagined them from reading all something-teen books. $1.32 vs twenty bucks to go to a theater if one is only patient, ya'll. I'm to the point where if it doesn't come to me, it doesn't happen because home is where I want to be. I started (trying to go) to bed about six yesterday with a nice steady rain drumming outside...heaven. And then the phone began to ring. And again. At least I was reclining while I talked about this that and the other, mostly to do with eldercare and daddy's ornery streak of late. We shall double dose him as of tomorrow and see if that makes mama's life a bit easier until we can get this whole thing organized for a transition. I thought I was through with the meltdown, but phase II hit me this morning, probably because I missed a day of celexa and haven't caught up. Talked to my dear Lake county friend who is about to have her home taken away, one more victim of the predatory lending practices that have been the downfall of our economy. Here's my question to the lenders...who the hell do you think is gonna buy this repo stuff if nobody has any money but the rich guys who already have houses in the Hamptons and the Bahamas. You think they're gonna snatch up a bargain in northwest Tennessee just because Reelfoot Lake (used to be) is there? They are becoming a port with a whole bunch of rich people up in there doing construction and making MORE money. Supposedly it will revitalize the economy in this poverty stricken area that is legendary for the lake that was formed in the big earthquake of 1812, I believe. Located next to the mighty Mississippi, no less. Onward port authority. Always remember that Big Ernie is watching. I know from experience that grief isn't something that can just be blown out in one big gush of tears and brushed under the rug. There are stages and relapses and whatnot and I'm prepared to go through them time after time because in my heart I know it's the only way. To top it all off this afternoon, I saw my ex-roommate at the gas station leaning against a car with a 40 oz chattin' up some guy when I swung in to get beer. He never turned around and made eye contact, which kinda surprised me. He's always the charmer who has a line that he pitches out like a pro to make himself look good. Ya'll think he might actually have a conscience? I doubt it. I told my friend yesterday that I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than with someone who shows that much disrespect for a "girlfriend." My bad. The demolition of my childhood grocery store is almost complete and I never even got a glass block or a brick from it even after I asked real nice. I should have just gone up in there and stole it like all the thugs who put Mr. Van out of business with multiple robberies. Well, of course there were the back to back floods that contributed to the swan song too. It is what it is, ya'll. ATT will pull the plug tomorrow so I'm out of the web until we get that caught up. Might be a good time to not procrastinate and carry on with the cleaning and packing and burning without the distraction of the people who live in my computer, as Lois Lane calls us. I have my camera back...the weather has moderated. Possibilities? I think so. ^j^