I'm still prone to cry at least once or twice a day thinking about something that Faith did that I miss, like poking her head in between my arm and body to get a head rub and be called "pretty girl." She could actually talk and I'm not lying...BG could get her to talking just like a pro by changing the pitch and tone of her own voice while asking questions. "Do you love me? I love Youuuuuu". Our friend taught her as a puppy to sit, stay, shake and love. Having done the grief work for eight zillion losses helps when it comes down to stark reality.
Tomorrow is officially December and I'm thinking that maybe by New Year's Eve I'll have the house picked up enough for a tree. That used to be a big thing, and now it's just another detail that could pass without much notice. When I say that I've hit the wall, don't doubt it for a minute. My primal screams of two nights ago were pure anguish and very cathartic. I have had it with corporate America and everything that it stands for which is a big reason that I'm just hunkering down and trying to concentrate on self care. Somehow in all the weeks and months of pill counting and crisis responding, I've lost myself and the art of taking care of ME. They don't mean to be demanding, it's just that an eighty year old couple living alone is kind of a dangerous situation at the very least, and a huge responsibility. And no, I won't be sleeping on their couch because Daddy won't allow it and I know better.
I was telling my friends at work today about blog fairy and how her last flight allowed me to put gas in the car and eat for a week. They were dumbfounded, not knowing the history of how BF showed up on Christmas eve of last year and changed my life forever. Somebody loves me, this I know for sure. Well, probably a lot of somebodies :)
Ya'll keep the faith ^j^
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
multitasking as a virtue
Since my major depressive episode this week has begun to subside it's back to the sawmill. Too bad I can't use funeral leave or something. BG and I are going to visit shortly in the afternoon sun to chill with our baby. The bouquet of flowers is still there standing proudly in the freshly dug earth. The other three are sad, most especially Sammy because they go way back. He's now officially attached to my hip on the futon. I am absolutely stunned at the compassion that people have shown for me this week in little ways from switching a shift or calling to see if I'm okay..and oh those cyberhugs! We have been struggling with our set of particular issues for going on five years and something's got to give. Hopefully it won't be my sanity.
My next task, and I have already decided it shall be...is taking over med management for both of them because I spend lord knows how many hours running here there and yonder looking for a total of about twenty scripts between them. Plus my own, of course. We are about eight miles from the nearest anything that resembles a pharmacy or a grocery store. Not much, unless you make the trip ten times a day in an 11 year old Camry, just saying. It was meant to be though, because I still keep moving. Our friend who dug the hole yesterday did the old dig and change seats thing until he was sweating even in the cold. Basically, that's what life is about..change and how we adapt. It's a very simple concept that we spent so much energy ranting to avoid.
I was touched that my mother felt my pain so intensely because she knows the feeling of being trapped and not having viable choices. Sometimes it just it what it is. There are jokes about big girl panties for people like me! Mama even gave me some at Christmas one year, smartass that she can be. One of the things that I can readily admit to about myself is that I don't know when to just give it up and let somebody else take over. But I'm learning as others around me grow more responsible and are able to provide support.
One day, one step at a time ^j^
My next task, and I have already decided it shall be...is taking over med management for both of them because I spend lord knows how many hours running here there and yonder looking for a total of about twenty scripts between them. Plus my own, of course. We are about eight miles from the nearest anything that resembles a pharmacy or a grocery store. Not much, unless you make the trip ten times a day in an 11 year old Camry, just saying. It was meant to be though, because I still keep moving. Our friend who dug the hole yesterday did the old dig and change seats thing until he was sweating even in the cold. Basically, that's what life is about..change and how we adapt. It's a very simple concept that we spent so much energy ranting to avoid.
I was touched that my mother felt my pain so intensely because she knows the feeling of being trapped and not having viable choices. Sometimes it just it what it is. There are jokes about big girl panties for people like me! Mama even gave me some at Christmas one year, smartass that she can be. One of the things that I can readily admit to about myself is that I don't know when to just give it up and let somebody else take over. But I'm learning as others around me grow more responsible and are able to provide support.
One day, one step at a time ^j^
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
and then, there were three
That's the remark BG made as we pulled out of the driveway with Sam, Oscar and Ryder all chasing and playing and wondering where Faith was. At the moment, there are two very sad people out in the pine grove digging a hole next to Butterbean, this onc twice the size to hold our big sweet pretty brown girl and her box. Her "daddy" our former roomie is helping with the whole deal because he raised her too. Many years ago when she was learning the art of riding in a truck bed, he managed to drop her on her head in the middle of Lake Road, our 'burg's busiest street. She bounced right back up and never did much like truck beds that much again. Like the lady that we was, she preferred sitting in the back seat with her head hanging out in the wind.
She was about nine weeks old when she came to live with us and I will never forget the pics that my brother and sister-in-law took of her sweet puppy face sitting on my front porch swing. I had a friend with a four wheeler and a chocolate male who was definitely her first love, and we would ride for miles through bean fields with those two chasing behind, stopping occasionally to wait on them to catch up and eat the dust. She lived a good life...every dog's dream. She ran and played for many years until arthritis slowed her down and Rimadyl became a necessity. When she got pregnant for the first time at the ripe old age of ten, we were floored. That delivery in February was probably the beginning of the pyometra and ultimately caused her death. We put out a lot of money, still owed, to pay for a surgery that gave us a few weeks to tell her goodbye. More than once I mentioned that to BG and how Ryder is her gift to us...a living breathing part of her pretty girl self. She got mad at me for being negative, but I could see the writing on the wall.
She had taken the new futon as her own since it was of a climbable height and quite comfy. We were all in BG's room chilling and watching TV when we heard a thud and found her on the floor, barely breathing. I cradled her head in my lap as she took a few last breaths and it was over. That's when I began to wail like a banshee for what seemed like EVER. My heart hurts, not just for her but for all of us. As I sobbed into my frail little mother's shoulder today she reminded me that there are "others" coming and she cried as well. That looms constantly, with them just one little break of a bone away from whatever the next step is. We are all exhausted, physically, emotionally and financially. But we've got each other, so it's okay.
Lest all that isn't enough drama, let me tell you about what ELSE happened...I almost went to jail last night because I dared to talk back to some smartass drug task force memeber who gave me ten seconds to get my butt in my own house. Since we've had some thefts lately, there are more patrols out and about in this area. As soon as Faith died, we called our friend and he headed out this way with the box and her collar. He pulled onto the lane and stopped for a minute to check his phone or something and was followed up the hill INTO my driveway by a K-9 unit complete with multiple flashing lights and swat team gear searching his truck. What they found was guns which were in a case in the back, all properly purchased and cared for. I was livid, to say the least. Here we are on the way to dig a hole in the dark to bury our beloved family member and the freakin' COPS show out? Oh.My.God. Another friend had already arrived and she and BG had to make my pissed off tail go in the house. Meanwhile, I'm trying to find somebody to work so that we can have the funeral today and um. Well, that's a whole 'nother story. I think I freaked every ONE of them out. God bless the one who made the trade, because I wouldn't have been worth a dime.
I know that these waves of grief are not all about losing Faith. They are about me letting go of the old ways and opening up for something new and better. Even though my struggles have been menial compared to what some people go through, there have been many layers and I'm just about tapped out. Multiple unresolved issues for long periods of time are not good for an old woman's peace of mind. I keep telling myself that surely I've crashed and burned enough times to be able to just let go of all of it and trust that Big Ernie will take care of me as long as I try. I know...Pollyanna to the bone.
She was about nine weeks old when she came to live with us and I will never forget the pics that my brother and sister-in-law took of her sweet puppy face sitting on my front porch swing. I had a friend with a four wheeler and a chocolate male who was definitely her first love, and we would ride for miles through bean fields with those two chasing behind, stopping occasionally to wait on them to catch up and eat the dust. She lived a good life...every dog's dream. She ran and played for many years until arthritis slowed her down and Rimadyl became a necessity. When she got pregnant for the first time at the ripe old age of ten, we were floored. That delivery in February was probably the beginning of the pyometra and ultimately caused her death. We put out a lot of money, still owed, to pay for a surgery that gave us a few weeks to tell her goodbye. More than once I mentioned that to BG and how Ryder is her gift to us...a living breathing part of her pretty girl self. She got mad at me for being negative, but I could see the writing on the wall.
She had taken the new futon as her own since it was of a climbable height and quite comfy. We were all in BG's room chilling and watching TV when we heard a thud and found her on the floor, barely breathing. I cradled her head in my lap as she took a few last breaths and it was over. That's when I began to wail like a banshee for what seemed like EVER. My heart hurts, not just for her but for all of us. As I sobbed into my frail little mother's shoulder today she reminded me that there are "others" coming and she cried as well. That looms constantly, with them just one little break of a bone away from whatever the next step is. We are all exhausted, physically, emotionally and financially. But we've got each other, so it's okay.
Lest all that isn't enough drama, let me tell you about what ELSE happened...I almost went to jail last night because I dared to talk back to some smartass drug task force memeber who gave me ten seconds to get my butt in my own house. Since we've had some thefts lately, there are more patrols out and about in this area. As soon as Faith died, we called our friend and he headed out this way with the box and her collar. He pulled onto the lane and stopped for a minute to check his phone or something and was followed up the hill INTO my driveway by a K-9 unit complete with multiple flashing lights and swat team gear searching his truck. What they found was guns which were in a case in the back, all properly purchased and cared for. I was livid, to say the least. Here we are on the way to dig a hole in the dark to bury our beloved family member and the freakin' COPS show out? Oh.My.God. Another friend had already arrived and she and BG had to make my pissed off tail go in the house. Meanwhile, I'm trying to find somebody to work so that we can have the funeral today and um. Well, that's a whole 'nother story. I think I freaked every ONE of them out. God bless the one who made the trade, because I wouldn't have been worth a dime.
I know that these waves of grief are not all about losing Faith. They are about me letting go of the old ways and opening up for something new and better. Even though my struggles have been menial compared to what some people go through, there have been many layers and I'm just about tapped out. Multiple unresolved issues for long periods of time are not good for an old woman's peace of mind. I keep telling myself that surely I've crashed and burned enough times to be able to just let go of all of it and trust that Big Ernie will take care of me as long as I try. I know...Pollyanna to the bone.
Monday, November 26, 2012
those to whom much is given
Well, well all know that much is expected. Not sure if this verse means monetary riches or spiritual ones. Sometimes they go hand in hand! My mindless obsession with justice internet reading habits have become refined as we prepare for NoTVmageddon once more. At this point, I could care less about watching Weeds for the nineteenth time. Time to enjoy season 7 again and find my inner Newman. Truth be told, I'm ready to hunker down and be a survivalist or something. Except I don't know how to shoot a gun and would die if I did because I'd get shot worse. That's the way my luck runs, ya'll. I spent most of the weekend burning up gift cards and lovin' every minute of it and managed to snag two oil heaters that I've been lusting after. Since we have no gas and whatnot we are happily nuking lean cuisines and staying warm with the dogs. I slept like a freakin' ROCK on that new bed last night....just saying.
My living room/office/pet lounge looks like a hippie chick version of hoarders, stuffed from corner to corner with boxes of "things" that I've sorted through. It's been a very long goodbye to the life that once was here to where we are at the moment. I distinctly remember my brother referring to our journey as "the beginning of the end". We have, by degrees, been saying goodbye for many years..to a lifestyle that blessed us with an abundance of nature and wildlife surrounding our homes. My father lived a farmer's dream as a USDA inspector by day and farm manager by day AND night. All the experience with minimal financial risk. He saw himself as their servant, the owners, and did the horse and saddle thing for years just so they could enjoy the ends of their lives here. I will never forget the time that I watched him take those horses out one last time for rides through the woods. There were two of 'em then...Pride and Trapper. We didn't see Pride for about a year after Trap was found dead in the pasture. Holed up in the barn with his grief, he did what he had to do to keep mourn his road dog and move ahead to his next thirty years. He's just that ornery too!
BG and I decided that November could well be National Suicide Month due to the absolutely nasty ass weather that is rivaled only by February. There is something to be said for window treatments during the winter. Still no tree because the spirit hasn't moved yet. And as we all know, I must leave room for that.
^j^
My living room/office/pet lounge looks like a hippie chick version of hoarders, stuffed from corner to corner with boxes of "things" that I've sorted through. It's been a very long goodbye to the life that once was here to where we are at the moment. I distinctly remember my brother referring to our journey as "the beginning of the end". We have, by degrees, been saying goodbye for many years..to a lifestyle that blessed us with an abundance of nature and wildlife surrounding our homes. My father lived a farmer's dream as a USDA inspector by day and farm manager by day AND night. All the experience with minimal financial risk. He saw himself as their servant, the owners, and did the horse and saddle thing for years just so they could enjoy the ends of their lives here. I will never forget the time that I watched him take those horses out one last time for rides through the woods. There were two of 'em then...Pride and Trapper. We didn't see Pride for about a year after Trap was found dead in the pasture. Holed up in the barn with his grief, he did what he had to do to keep mourn his road dog and move ahead to his next thirty years. He's just that ornery too!
BG and I decided that November could well be National Suicide Month due to the absolutely nasty ass weather that is rivaled only by February. There is something to be said for window treatments during the winter. Still no tree because the spirit hasn't moved yet. And as we all know, I must leave room for that.
^j^
Sunday, November 25, 2012
mysterious ways
If it's Sunday it must be ummm...doughnut and eggs at Rita's place. That's where we headed after I scooped 'em up from the steps of FUMC at the corner of Main and McGaughey. It takes a village with my brother doing pickup and delivery to the early service and either me, BG or Tony picking up the afterwards part. Next weekend I'm working so it's plan B. After all that I rounded up my pro-bono moving crew and we headed out on that little adventure. I've never had a futon in my life and I'm totally in love with this microsuede one that we picked up from a friend. The house was full of birds chirping and whatnot...a cheery chaotic scene not unlike our own home. Then we headed to boss friend's place for a new bed for these old bones. One of the guys who helped brought his baby girl along so BG and I had fun playing with her cute little self. There's nothing happier than a little kid's giggle.
I've been playing hooky from reality reporting just because this year has made me so incredibly tired of bad news. Adding insult to injury, partisan politicians continue to play games with each other and we suffer the consequences. I don't give a rat's ass who's having affairs with whom unless it's a Soviet spy or something. It doesn't give me a really strong feeling about the mindset of this country when we try to grill a couple of guys for doing what 75% of them do. Just sayin'. Speaking of which Ryder is early with her first period so now we've got boy dogs circling like it's the OK Corral up here. Somehow that spay got put on the back burner when Faith got dying sick. She's better now and the new futon is the exact same shade of chocolate brown. I take that as a good sign.
^j^
I've been playing hooky from reality reporting just because this year has made me so incredibly tired of bad news. Adding insult to injury, partisan politicians continue to play games with each other and we suffer the consequences. I don't give a rat's ass who's having affairs with whom unless it's a Soviet spy or something. It doesn't give me a really strong feeling about the mindset of this country when we try to grill a couple of guys for doing what 75% of them do. Just sayin'. Speaking of which Ryder is early with her first period so now we've got boy dogs circling like it's the OK Corral up here. Somehow that spay got put on the back burner when Faith got dying sick. She's better now and the new futon is the exact same shade of chocolate brown. I take that as a good sign.
^j^
Friday, November 23, 2012
fiscal cliff
I'm rather fond of the way the media has named the looming national debt because it's just a jumbo sized version of the way I live my life...paycheck to paycheck with every body and their brother wanting a part of my meager income. Fifteen years ago, I was considered "middle class" until the lower cap for that term was somehow set at 250K which takes me many years to earn. We pulled up at the mailbox at the edge of the drive to find yet another collection notice, this time from the dentist. While I did give the propane guy a shout-out about what's going on I failed to do that with the dentist because (a) he has an office manager to go through and (b) they're always closed for lunch or off when I go by there. Same for the insurance agent that took a four day weekend meaning that I missed deadline renewal at 12 tonight. Meh. As we rode by wallyworld, I was soooooooo glad not to be looking for my car in that packed out lot, pissed off by crowds of angry shoppers.
Last Christmas on the eve of the day, I came home to find a huge surprise in my mailbox that came at just the right time to help a girl out, if you get my drift. Finding that anonymous donation from someone who cares a whole heckuva lot about me and mine showed me a whole new meaning of the spirit of generosity. My blog fairy has consistently come through at the darkest of times this past year so I shouldn't have been surprised to find a box from the USPS on my front swing after grumbling about the dentist bill. The really odd thing? I had put a couple of the old mailers from BF out there to throw into a pile and the new package was sitting on top of 'em! Part of the air of happiness surrounding these random surprises is that BF knows me well enough to send exactly what is needed at any given moment to either lift my spirits or allow me to have some fun.......or both! Every package has been postmarked from a different location so I'm still puzzled about who BF could possibly be. But you know what? Half of the fun is the mystery. Whomever you are and for whatever reason you believe in me, thanks from the bottom of my heart. It gives me the incentive to keep faith when the chips are down.
The lady at the loan shark place lender asked me today if things were any better. I just stared at her like "would I be here if they were???" I have totally lost one of the frames that my friend made which are beautiful, by the way. He brought the latest two this week and I got both of 'em out of his car but can find only one. My living room does look like a flea market though. Gotta fix that so we can put the (thanks to BF) live tree up.
Happy Black Friday ya'll. If you feel yourself getting pushed around out there, just say eff it and go to the house. Patience is a virtue when waiting for deals.
^j^
Last Christmas on the eve of the day, I came home to find a huge surprise in my mailbox that came at just the right time to help a girl out, if you get my drift. Finding that anonymous donation from someone who cares a whole heckuva lot about me and mine showed me a whole new meaning of the spirit of generosity. My blog fairy has consistently come through at the darkest of times this past year so I shouldn't have been surprised to find a box from the USPS on my front swing after grumbling about the dentist bill. The really odd thing? I had put a couple of the old mailers from BF out there to throw into a pile and the new package was sitting on top of 'em! Part of the air of happiness surrounding these random surprises is that BF knows me well enough to send exactly what is needed at any given moment to either lift my spirits or allow me to have some fun.......or both! Every package has been postmarked from a different location so I'm still puzzled about who BF could possibly be. But you know what? Half of the fun is the mystery. Whomever you are and for whatever reason you believe in me, thanks from the bottom of my heart. It gives me the incentive to keep faith when the chips are down.
The lady at the
Happy Black Friday ya'll. If you feel yourself getting pushed around out there, just say eff it and go to the house. Patience is a virtue when waiting for deals.
^j^
Thursday, November 22, 2012
i guess you had to be there
Norman Rockwell would be proud of the scene around my mother's dining room table today, all five of us taking the time to sit and talk and savor the flavors. One of their friends stopped by with brownies just in time for dessert. The neighbor across the road offered some fried chittlins' and I kindly declined. Pure Americana, ya'll. BG and I took over Ms. Faye's normally spotless kitchen yesterday and created some masterpieces to add to what she had done. All we had to do was two hours of oven time and voila! Happy turkey day :) Short and sweet and one of the perks of living a mile from your family.
As we sat in the quiet living room just "being" my eyes wandered across the walls of our home, looking much like they always have featuring family heirlooms mixed and mingled with local art. There are two granite light posts in the yard that were taken from the bridge going into D'burg when they were replaced. She's THAT kind of collector and historian. She gracefully acknowledged that she had taught us well in the kitchen and thanked us for putting on the feast. The front walls are the original log and mortar from back in the day. Originally built as a summer home type of place for hunting and such, it became their home the year after I was born and Daddy took over the place.
KY cousin called while we were chillin' and we had the land line draped all the way across that living room for she and mom to chat. They are so much to so many people and I realize that in the kindness that is shown to them and to us by friends and family. I kinda got teary this morning before we left here to cook, considering that this is probably the last Thanksgiving with them living in the house. I talked to myself real hard and pulled it together but, dang. I'm so tired of keepin' on that all I want to do is sleep and work. So I can sleep and work some more.
We stopped by a friend's house with some plates before heading home to nappy time. Faith is still not well and I'm making an appointment to see what's up and the options. She doesn't seem to be suffering, but won't eat. Ryder and Oscar followed us all the way to the grands and Oscar hung around tormenting Sally in the back of my brother's truck. Border collies are not the most obedient in the world unless you let 'em know who's boss. Ryder found her way home pretty quickly so it was all good. When we left the log cabin, Oscar was riding on the console just like Butters used to do sniffing the leftovers. All of this, of course, in the trusty old Camry with no spare and one hubcap. I kid you not!
Today I am thankful for a lot of things...my family and friends both professionally and personally speaking. There is a special place in heaven for those who have never met me in person but still believe that there is goodness out there for somebody who tries as hard as I do. Maybe I should just say "eff it" and go on public assistance. The college degree thing isn't working out so well, ya know? I am now a liability to a corporation because of my age. Not that they have a lot invested in me, mind you. But I have sick time that halved during the sale that maxes out and can't be used realistically because it affects productivity. I know, not my problem. The docs with big egos with whom I have sparred over the years have been a huge problem because they rarely listen to what a less than peer to peer associate has to say...choosing instead to play Big Ernie. As a society we have put them in that position where a big ego is acceptable and we even pay big bucks for it. Trust me..they're not always as nice to us as to all ya'll. More than a handful has made me cry like a baby.
As BG would say "thank the lort" it's time to put up the fabulously tacky fake tree. If only I could find a spot somewhere in this storage unit of a house I'm in. Keep the faith ^j^
As we sat in the quiet living room just "being" my eyes wandered across the walls of our home, looking much like they always have featuring family heirlooms mixed and mingled with local art. There are two granite light posts in the yard that were taken from the bridge going into D'burg when they were replaced. She's THAT kind of collector and historian. She gracefully acknowledged that she had taught us well in the kitchen and thanked us for putting on the feast. The front walls are the original log and mortar from back in the day. Originally built as a summer home type of place for hunting and such, it became their home the year after I was born and Daddy took over the place.
KY cousin called while we were chillin' and we had the land line draped all the way across that living room for she and mom to chat. They are so much to so many people and I realize that in the kindness that is shown to them and to us by friends and family. I kinda got teary this morning before we left here to cook, considering that this is probably the last Thanksgiving with them living in the house. I talked to myself real hard and pulled it together but, dang. I'm so tired of keepin' on that all I want to do is sleep and work. So I can sleep and work some more.
We stopped by a friend's house with some plates before heading home to nappy time. Faith is still not well and I'm making an appointment to see what's up and the options. She doesn't seem to be suffering, but won't eat. Ryder and Oscar followed us all the way to the grands and Oscar hung around tormenting Sally in the back of my brother's truck. Border collies are not the most obedient in the world unless you let 'em know who's boss. Ryder found her way home pretty quickly so it was all good. When we left the log cabin, Oscar was riding on the console just like Butters used to do sniffing the leftovers. All of this, of course, in the trusty old Camry with no spare and one hubcap. I kid you not!
Today I am thankful for a lot of things...my family and friends both professionally and personally speaking. There is a special place in heaven for those who have never met me in person but still believe that there is goodness out there for somebody who tries as hard as I do. Maybe I should just say "eff it" and go on public assistance. The college degree thing isn't working out so well, ya know? I am now a liability to a corporation because of my age. Not that they have a lot invested in me, mind you. But I have sick time that halved during the sale that maxes out and can't be used realistically because it affects productivity. I know, not my problem. The docs with big egos with whom I have sparred over the years have been a huge problem because they rarely listen to what a less than peer to peer associate has to say...choosing instead to play Big Ernie. As a society we have put them in that position where a big ego is acceptable and we even pay big bucks for it. Trust me..they're not always as nice to us as to all ya'll. More than a handful has made me cry like a baby.
As BG would say "thank the lort" it's time to put up the fabulously tacky fake tree. If only I could find a spot somewhere in this storage unit of a house I'm in. Keep the faith ^j^
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