oxymoron

I appreciated my job as I labored on earlier, thanking Big Ernie for a nice day with nice folks and not much drama which is how I like it.  We got to eat TWICE which is unheard of for a holiday or weekend usually.  The dumbass head count in the ER sector of traffic was pretty low because of a very big presence by local law enforcement which is "a good thing."  Nothing like a three day weekend to get rednecks all geeked up and fighting.  A knife or gun wound can seriously overwhelm the blood supply over not such  a short time.  Not to mention wrecks and babies getting born!  I watch the blood supply like a hawk and have tangled on more than one occasion with doctors who think that they can have what they want when they want it because......MD.

There is a new game in town called patient satisfaction which will determine Medicare dollar payout to healthcare facilities. The satisfaction score is monitored and reported for everything from rudeness to non-compliance with hand hygiene.   And the patients are the one who give input which means me and you kids.  If there is ever to be any sort of reasonable solution to the healthcare crisis globally, it has to start with us.  I guarantee  you that none of the O's at BCBS  think about how you're treated while they're on the yacht.  Just saying.  Same for big banks and oil and pham.  We have all worked and paid for the privilege of watching a pretty fair shake at good health in the 70's turn into who the hell knows what with a fat co- pay.  Leadership for this kind of change must always originate at the grass roots level so that consumers can not be boxed into "agreements" with third parties.

Some Einstein decided about 1980 that it was no longer acceptable to "bundle" charges the way hospitals did then, contracting with providers for service and charging likewise.  This was when insurance paid for an overnight stay for a physical, mind you.  Right after I started the lab got rid of blood gases and EKGs and I was tickled.  I never even had to do one of those awful stomach acid things.  After watching  couple of autopsies I was pretty much over the whole histo thing and snug in the clinical sector the rest of my time where I remain.  Still.

My eyes are slowly opening again but raw so I'm avoiding anything that might invoke tears like umm..the past.  There is nothing I can change there even if I were right about this or that or the other.  It was what it was and it happened.  My response, always acceptable, was either to whine or soldier on.  Sometimes a little of both.  I've loved a lot of people who couldn't find it to love me back or who loved and left.  I have also been blessed with some of the truest friends a girl could ever ask for just by being who I am and trusting that the spirit works when you let it.  Always leave room.

^j^





 

here's the rub

My best Labor Day memory ever is of the day that Bubba organized a hunt in an inconspicuous corner and cooked fried tilapia on the tailgate of somebody's truck while Daddy sat next to the cattle rub that P.H. White used to sell.  There's a picture somewhere but I can't seem to find it.  He sat on the hill while I rode with all these guys and their dogs down to where the action was.  Red Houston was there too with his dog, the one he used to bring out for a run every day.  He is now in the home where Mama lives which is pretty sweet considering she and Miss Ruth were besties.  I think he still goes home to check on the onions in the bathtub out in the side yard.  Hey...farmer's gotta' do what they do.  

Every day gives me the opportunity to see that I'm wasting away doing what I do with my life.  I am a corporate lackey ( with benefits ) who tries to make a difference and has been treated poorly during the  previous mergers/sales/ what have you.  I'm talking 38 years worth.  Imagine my surprise when I pulled up to "my" bank's window for cash on Saturday morning and found that all the signage had changed and they were closed.  That kind of shit causes riots y'all, not to mention people jumping off the roof of Wall Street.  

On a lighter note, Mama made it to church today thanks t Carney.  I set two alarms...one for me and one to make sure she was up.  If the woman didn't have something to worry about she'd just have to take a nap which is exactly what she was doing when I called.  We chatted and I assured her that I do indeed want the family history and she can have it rebound but she should save her $% for high thread count sheets.  Said she was just gonna' give it to Tommy which makes sense.  The buck stops here with the Stafford name.  

There was this random violent thing that I heard about yesterday which was really disturbing on a lot of levels involving chemically modified drugs that tend to give one super-human strength when in overdose mode.  This substance became legal because marijuana is illegal according to the federal government.  Many states have made the decision to jump on the business wagon and tap into the wonders of CDBs as a curative future.  Don't y'all ever watch Sanjay??  Geez.  

Pain pills including but not limited to hydros, percocets, oxys, morphine,etc. are readily available for sales because there is an entire sub-culture devoted to the doctor mills that keep these people hooked.  In the biz it's known as "pain management".  The reality of it is that somebody with an MD on their name is raping state sponsored insurance like TnCare.  See: Phil Bredesen. The downfall of that entire program was the failure of the state to provide proper oversight to a program that was ripe for the picking by corrupt Dems like the Ford family and everybody they ever knew.  Daycare.  Healthcare.  All pissed away by corruption.  I can say that I don't care all day long but everybody knows I do.  I'm just really tired right now and don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.   

doves and ferris wheels

The weekend before Labor Day is always huge because dove season begins and the fair is coming to town on Monday.  Bless all of everybody's heart who is considering either because it's hot as hell with no relief in sight until Thursday.  Kid Rock's brother is out mowing my dirt yard but I'm inside so it's good.  I turned the corner with the conjunctivitis today at just about the time I was ready to just dig a hole and lay down in it.  Miserable, I tell you.  When I pulled in this afternoon and checked the mail there were a couple of birthday cards from friends which made my day.  

I know that county fairs are held all over the country but I feel sure they are a different animal in the south.  Most have truck pulls, beauty pageants and carnivals plus a chance for farmers and artists to compete for the honor of placing in a category.  The whole thing is pulled together seamlessly and tirelessly by a cadre of volunteers who do it for the love of community.  I grew up there since my Daddy was on the board of directors and Mama worked the office with none other than Red Henson as a boss.  There was barely a golf cart then to scurry from place to place at the site next to the cemetery.  I distinctly remember hearing the carnival music as we put my uncle in the ground to the sound of taps.  

BG is the proud owner of a gently used car and enough new clothes to be presentable.  Our new beds will be delivered on Tuesday, mine to here and hers down the road.  If it doesn't work out with corporate, she can move it.  Bubba is on vacay with his peeps at the lake like the whole rest of the world as we (thankfully) say goodbye to summer '15.  Lord have mercy is all I can say.  

We are still grieving but it's not the heavy kind that puts you into walking-in-quicksand mode.  Having my mother in a safe place allows me to sleep well at night and that's all I need at this point.  As my body and soul heal, there will be energy and hope to try new things like finding Sugardaddy.  For now, I'll just take the easy road and hunker down.  My mother, in the same conversation yesterday, urged me to "take care of yourself and get rest" and " get out and be with your friends."  Right now, that's a conundrum.  I will take a gradual lightening of the load and give thanks along the way.  

Faith ~

the outside world

I stopped by the FNP's office yesterday after work and didn't have the energy to wait so I camped out on her doorstep this morning to be first in line.  She saw me a few weeks ago for an ear infection and the eye thing that has gotten progressively worse to the point that she exclaimed that I looked like a vampire.  I was thinking more along the lines of a zombie.  I lost my reading glasses yesterday as well so it was kind of a blind person going through the motions.  She put drops in my eyes which immediately helped and gave me a shot in the butt for good measure.  In my heart, I know it's because of the hot stagnant air around Casa Poops and the bush hog yesterday didn't help.  Plus, Ragweed.  Aaaaand pesticides.

I was supposed to have lunch with friends today but after visiting Mom and running an errand for her it was time to head to the house and get under the AC.  As everyone knows, surely, I do so hate to sweat.  I'm counting down the days watching the days fly by prior to the 9th when I turn 60.  I think it's a good age because you're still usually healthy enough to be out and about but old enough not to get in too much trouble, if you know what I mean.  With age comes wisdom.

We've been so busy with moving and whatnot that I still haven't "finished" the thank yous like I lied and said I did.  It's okay y'all!  I'm slow but sure.  As I went in to see Mom this morning I ran into Phyllis and Jim, son and daughter-in-law of Mama's next door neighbor.  We talked about how they both got there, about two months apart, and how much joy they have found in each other.  She had a mini-spell while I was there about rather being at home and I understood.  I'm the same way.  Everytime we talk now, she wants to know what's going on in the outside world like it's changed since she moved.  Not a thing dear.  Not a thing.
I did some pitching at the red log cabin yesterday limited ONLY to empty envelopes and tiny boxes of safety pins and thread.  And VHS tapes.  Lordy Jesus!  These people got a load of stuff.  There are two box sets of Garrison Keillor cassettes that I gave Daddy years ago.  They had a lot of fun with old Garrison and also Lewis Grizzard.  Oh...and Brother Dave Gardner!  The one book that I've retrieved so far is a signed copy of The Widow's Mite that I also gave him eons ago.  Hey....I take that stuff seriously.

Next to the wall sits a huge 9 pane window from my attic which I filled with farm pictures and gave them for Christmas one year.  It sits right next to the fireplace that started a blaze under the floor one time when we were on the way to a Led Zeppelin concert, of all things.  I think the multivitamins are working because I remember more.  Then again, I may just be coming out of the fog on occasion.  It's been a tough and long ride.  The only thing that keeps me sane is the love and support of others.

Grace~

the universe responds

Once upon a time when I was newly single and bored I wandered the halls of the sawmill and noticed this totally cute guy with doting parents nearby.  The nurses hooked me up and my one date with him came the day after Hurricane Katrina up here on the lane.  It was so hot you could just feel the earth about to explode and here I was chasing after somebody who was still hung up on his ex-wife who had left him for a country singer.  You can't make this shit up. His last ex had used splenda' on the edge of margaritas so there was no salt. Since he was pretty cute and all I used that as an excuse to go to church and see him one more time where I was greeted with a very cold shoulder from he as a greeter, complete with silk shirt.  This is the very same church where the COC came to terms with women serving and it was a long time coming.  My bossfriend regularly serves communion and worships with her people.  I miss that.

Back in the day, she invited me to the new and improved version of that particular brand where you could wear shorts or jeans and not get frowned upon.  Ditto for the tattoos and life lessons.  When it becomes less about what is acceptable and more contingent on what God wants, everybody wins.  After all, He and Sophia are in charge.  At that particular church there was a real racial divide and I remember once a guy came and preached who mesmerized me with the words of Big Ernie.  There was no hellfire and brimstone and it was heavy on the gospels according to, um.  You know the drill.  I am a Christian  and have never been persecuted for my beliefs but it has not always been "thus and so" unless you count the countless terrorist attacks against our tribe.  If you believe in blood moons, now is a good time to stock up on bottled water.  Just saying.

botox

Mama has this little keratosis looking thing on her forehead so after work I scooped her up from the home for a visit to an old friend for a look-see.  There were a couple of shots and a bit of freezing and voila!  Not even any stitches.  It was hot as hell and she took it like a champ.  When we got back the ladies were already gathering for pre-dinner conversation.  She got to eat lunch with Charley and Mo, so it was a full day.   Tomorrow is hair with Glenda.  She has spells in the morning according to the nurses but I think that's to be expected.  Waking up in a new place, even with your own stuff is hard.  

The doc who did Mom's procedure  had just moved to the 'burg with his wife and kids from San Diego, of all places, when I first met him.  Originally from MO, this couple and I became fast friends and so did our daughters.  When he first began practice here, the Rural Health Clinic concept was new and they tried it in Newbern.  His was the first office I knew that had an FNP on the front line.  And yes...it was in the early 90's.  Kenton worked the ER at Methodist which is probably how we got to be friends.  Any kind of ER doc who will listen to his peers is one that everybody will respect.  He learned to fly small aircraft from the same 96 year old woman who taught my brother.  Karma, man.  Sometimes it's not a bitch at all.  This guy  actually had a loft where he blasted Phil Collins for us.  Sweet.

It's hot and I'm over it.  Praying for a cool front and a day off ^j^

 

bump in the dark

 BG needed the (trusty) Camry today for business so I did my first ride solo in the BIG ass red truck in the dark.  It was parked behind so I did a shortcut through the yard behind the propane tank and boom...there it was.  It took me until I got to the driveway to figure our that it was an old bed spring I had thrown back there for the garden that never quite happened.  There is always next year.  The running board on driver's side fell off so the metal that held it was dragging the damn thing under the truck.  I almost had a heart attack over that one trying to get it pulled out and get to work.  Geez man.

Life is pleasantly boring right now which is Big Ernie's way of saying "Rest my child.  Things will get tougher still."  And then they did.  Mom and I talked and I was perhaps a little too honest in my joy at knowing she and Daddy are in safe and happy places and I can actually sleep at night without one eye open.  I could hear her voice turn and knew that it was time to go.  Besides, it's almost supper at the home.  She is so happy and content in a way that I've never known in my life.  She is her own person.

So here's my take on the presidential extravaganza.  Hillary is pretty screwed because *benghazi* but also because she has been pals with high dollar people over the years and protected their interests.  Yes, there are rich Dems too, just not as many.  Ben Carson looks good...not really rigid and a solid medical background.  So here's my dream ticket: Carson/Sanders in whatever order with Warren all up in the middle of everything....State Department maybe.  The potential for social change with a partnership like that could save us from becoming zombies.  Remember...you read it here first.

Soooo..sawmill is nice and uncrazy which I totally love but that's subject to change at any time.  Sometimes it all depends on what team is in place.   I still haven't posted a thank you note for their contribution to the buy Janie's groceries fund, but I will.  Heck I might just cook and invite 'em all over.  After I get it clean, that is. In the end, there is a certain release that comes from letting go of "things" because of sentiment and I should be an expert by now.