the jury box

As usual, I was just under the wire reporting for jury duty this morning. The chimes of the courthouse clock were ringing right when I passed the metal detector. I shouldn't have rushed because ten or so people showed up randomly during the next 30 minutes. By the time we were all put in groups there were attorneys pacing outside the door waiting to do their thing. Since I didn't get there early I got stuck with one of the seats in the jury box giving me a bird's eye view of what a juror would see. Hmm. Indictments were issued not too long ago and April will be the next batch. Other than that, the grands are done. It's an interesting lesson in law 101 for a newbie like myself. Unless I know your mama'n'them I'll make a kickass juror. Or unless some high paid attorney gets up in there and starts defending assault rifles. Ya'll know how that would go over with this old gal.

After work, I scooped my mama up and hauled her in the no window car over to cousin Mo's house for a visit with her grieving sister. They are so freakin' CUTE huddled up under blankets on the couch together, giving each other hugs and drying tears. In a really odd sort of way, Debbie's death has drawn us all closer together as we watch our family fade into the next chapter. Her obituary listed me as her cousin and best friend which just about made me lose my breath.

Yesterday was warm and I ventured out on the porch with a brew just in time to hear the neighbors screaming mother effer at each other down the road. I'm over all their drama so I promptly called the law to have them cruise by. They wanted to know if he "has a gun." Ayep..I've heard him firing off his anger over by the river bed. He hid while there were there and there was a welfare check/head count on the kids and it was done in two minutes. The kids had come out and were jumping on the trampoline and squealing so she didn't waste any time walking smooth up to my house with all THREE kids to tell me that he wasn't even there and it was the kids playing. Right. BG came home about that time and spotted him scooting around the house like the schizo he is. If I turn up dead, please tell the law that he's a person of interest. The little girl's eye caught mine at one point while I confronted her mom with what I have heard and seen, and I know that she recognized me as someone who can't be fooled easily.

I am so glad to not be in the middle of whatever the name of that blizzard is that I could cry. I just hate to see all those poor displaced folks get slammed again. I mean, really? Of course it is winter. If you choose to live in the northeast, snow happens. Down here it's twisters and floods.

Peace out ^j^

at a leisurely pace

After work I went to pick my mama up from Aunt Mo's house where she was "sittin' shiva" as Albert Brooks would say, with her sister Aunt Granny. There were picture albums laying around looking to be picked for Deb's slideshow and all seemed well by the fire. Granny's youngest grandson, the only musical one in the bunch, is a pure joy to have around. With that many old people we need all the hands we can get! His sister and BG were born a month apart and played together as kids just like their moms. It's amazing how you are shaped by knowing a person, blood kin or not, merely by how they lived their life. It is the legacy that we leave for others...living an honorable life and doing good with what is, after all, just a gift. There are many ways that Deb made an impact on me as a woman, and most of it had to be with toughness. She loved the growth cycle in a "look at what I can do" way and often orchestrated entire flower beds to be hovered over by she and her father who lived around the corner.

The funniest thing I ever was was when they were living on York street and Jimbo brought Buddy a damn HORSE on a rope across the street for Christmas. Bud climbed up on that horse and the saddle flipped sideways. What a hoot! He drove his grandaddy to Union City for radiation treatments for prostate cancer when he needed the help. We all helped to care for him in his final days. Debbie got her strength from her mother I believe. Jimbo was like a best friend she hung out with. With that strength comes a great propensity to not focus on self care and I've got my share of both. She used to bitch at me constantly about being spontaneous as in drop and run to the lake or river when they loaded up a boat and headed out. That lack of random adventures has made Poops a dull girl and that must change.

I got her version of tough love on more than one occasion and occasionally deserved it but mostly not. Her values were different than mine when it came to child rearing and such. The energy that attracted so many to her as a friend was a thing of beauty. We had some wild ass parties in our thirties and forties when the kids were little and we could still not give a care because we had the rest of our lives and life was good. The train ran right smack through their backyard on a daily basis. It's funny what a girl remembers.

This weekend we will travel back to Newbern next door to the old home place where Jimbo lived and died. Only this time we'll be paying respects to his daughter and best friend. I find comfort in the continuity of that. WouldaCouldaShoulda.

Big hugs just because I need 'em.

^j^

with a heavy heart

A couple of folks sprang for pizza today and we were just finishing up when I spotted my cousin Mo and her son in the waiting room. I figured they were getting blood drawn and I'd stop by to visit in a moment. I could tell by the look on my friend's face when she fetched me that the news wasn't good. When I got there, she was red faced and crying telling me that her sister, my KY cuz died this morning. It took about fifteen seconds as I circled her neck to ask "Debbie what?" By then we were both a howling mess and took it to another room so as not to startle anybody. Nic had both of our backs as we heaved with sobs over losing OUR sister, not just hers. Since I never had a sister in the house, I adopted my two cousins as sisters. We're all very different but alike in ways that count like loyalty to family and friends. Both of them adore my mom just like everybody else in the world.

I went by to tell her the news and sat at her feet like a child with my head on her lap while she rubbed it. She felt my pain and I felt hers. And she declared "...i just don't know what.." Every time Deb and Ronnie came for a visit they brought canned vegetables and stuff for daddy from their huge garden. She was particularly close to her own father who died at about her age and was just inducted into the Band Leader's Hall of Fame or something this past weekend. Debbie's hub has been quite sick himself and I think the added burden of caring for him was too much with her own health problems. She always told us she would die by 55. Only a year off girl..not bad for a flute player.

A broken heart is something that eventually mends and forgets the pain of loss and suffering. Knowing that each day may be our last is a good enough reason to just dispense with the small stuff and tell it like it is. That's something that I had come to respect about her over the years..she told it like it was, period. We were in band together with Jimbo and while she was a talented flute player I was the dork who couldn't play anything but the chimes but loved hanging out in the percussion section...always had a weakness for drummers.

My fondest memories are of camping with she and her family as a child and then again as an adult with our own kids. A very talented framer and antique collector she was always up for a yard sale with a treasure. Our grandmother's dining room table and chairs were supposed to go home with her next time they brought a trailer. In the blink of an eye ya'll. In the blink of an eye. We talked almost daily and yesterday was unusually light and funny as we discussed Ronnie's latest PT result and what was on the dinner menu. This woman could COOK dude! And she learned a lot of it from my mama.

Ours was not a relationship where we said the L word a lot but knew that it was there, an unspoken bond that was part sister and part keeper of the faith. When her father died, I was seated like one of the "girls" next to Aunt Granny. The entire church was filled with folding chairs in the aisles to boot. I'm saying...he was an icon. Deb's service won't be all uppity like that I'm sure because that's not her way either. I will miss her honesty and humor...our political rants together and discussions about work and grandkids and stuff. Familiarity with stories so there's no explanation needed. The kind of stuff where you "had to be there." There is nothing like that feeling.

Rest in peace Debbie ^j^

budget planning and whatnot

I am determined to get out of this fiscal mess because it's NOT that bad compared to others who own tens of thousands. The problem is getting to a payday with everything current so that the service charges don't take a large chunk of it. It reminds me of that old song "nothing from nothing leaves nothing." Got my taxes filed and guess what? The good old US treasury is running late on returning that interest free loan. Before, online filing has always been a sure fire 10 day wait. Now it's three weeks? Puleeez. And yes, I still think it's all Dubya's fault. To think that our economy was based on the war effort and cannot survive without Big Ike invasions is a scary thought. At least following WWII there was a boom of prosperity. All we've got is a country that is killing young people with student loan repayment even while they have no jobs because of, well. You know the drill.

Didn't watch the SuperBowl but did see the farmer commercial several times and it warms my soul. Not sure it's gonna sell a lot of Ram trucks because most of the ones I know drive Chevys or Fords. But it was a well crafted tribute to a lifestyle that I have called my own for 57 years. The problem with farming as an industry came when the government started paying folks NOT to grow certain things to get subsidies. Way to support your homies, right? And then of course there's all that lobby money floating around financing GMOs and such. That is not my daddy's way of farming, ya'll.

Meanwhile, the puppies are crying a lot less as they grow and Ryder is getting her strength back. They're camped out in the living room (used to be office) floor on yoga blankets. One of the biggest reasons I'm looking forward to warm weather is to get this damn Dell OUT of my bedroom, wires and all. It's finally clean and has decent furniture and the potential to be my haven following months of huddling next to an electric heater. As my mama always said "One of these days you'll look back and laugh."

All i quiet on the grands front but KY cousin's dream kind of startled me awake yesterday. Gonna go check on them after while when BG returns. She's job hunting like a mofo and there's just nothing here. The little old 'burg is dead as a doornail like the rest of the employment market. We're getting a Cracker Barrel soon and I figure there will be a stampede for jobs when the door opens. It's quite foggy out giving an extra air of dark heaviness to this day on the hill. I can barely see the silos through the mist.

Losing faith has never been an option for me because I'm just a Pollyanna that way. There have been times of doubt and fear and downright mental breakdown, but never a complete loss of belief in a higher power that has my back. My friendboss quotes her daddy as saying that "the cream always rises to the top". We all try to remember that as we struggle on through a life full of inequality and greed.

Young people! Carry on.

whiney puppies and jury duty

Always on the lookout for BF, I pulled up the other day to find a summons for jury duty instead. Lucky me! It's the first time locally so it should be interesting. I had federal once in the month of December and never once had to drive to Memphis thanks to a particularly icy spell. I'm sure I'll get some crackhead related offense that I'm very prejudiced against and I'm off the hook. Tough love, ya'll. There is a certain person in our neighborhood who literally scares the crap out of me. He's the poster boy for mental illness on a disability check. There is a wife who is quite slow herself and three children who witness a lot of things that they shouldn't have to see. We have considered calling DCS but hate to be the one to start the ball rolling in that kind of situation. They are all victims of his rage and control and I'm afraid for my own safety. That's why I lock 'em up tight. He showed up screaming at her in the driveway the other day in his freaking UNDERWEAR. Sheesh.

The puppies are growing and Ryder is becoming comfortable with motherhood. Now the huge task before us is to find homes for these seven darlings. If they eat anything like her, it will be an expensive proposition until they're gone. I will never forget the wonderful feeling of having the last two boys scooped up by a little girl and her mommy. It's the circle of life, you know? Tried to pawn one of them off on mommma and she said nada. Sammy D was supposed to be daddy's dog after his border collie got drug down highway 51 behind his truck. That was the beginning of us questioning the safety of his driving. We already knew that mom's driving days were over following two wrecks with totaled cars. Yeah, Toyota loved them to pieces. Daddy's final day behind the wheel was one I'll never forget. My brother called me at work and asked me to go check out the "hit and run" that daddy was involved in. I left work and went to the scene which is the same place mama had two of her own wrecks. I saw the truck directly across from me as I crossed and calmly asked where he was going. "To Angel's" he said. I told him to stay right there and I would pick her up. By the time we got her home and settled and answered all the cops' questions it was obvious that he had caused the wreck. The officer on duty asked me if he was "okay". I told him no, that he had dementia and could he help a girl out with that little detail. He obliged, and so did their family physician. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't easy but it's done.

I picked the first buttercup of '13 and though tiny, it's beautiful sitting in a blue vase on the window sill. I read a post written by a favorite friend today and found myself agreeing with him that the best of days are over and this hardship will continue for as long as WE live because nobody can get off their own party's pity pot enough to think about the overtaxed people who support their lifestyles. There will never be another Mr. Smith, circa Jimmy Stewart. Those folks don't exist anymore. I'm glad the Ravens won BTW. As for Beyonce doing the sign, I missed that completely.

Ya'll have a great day. I'm off and loving every minute of it!

super what sunday?

My father is about as rabid an SEC athletics fan as any old Tennessee man you'll see. They have an entire room decorated in Vols orange and white, the one that used to belong to BG and before her little old me. I was rascal enough to sneak out the door once and off the roof once and only got caught once so there ya go. The worst was when I had to come in and sit to wait for my daddy to return from looking for me. He walked into that house with his head down to give mom the news and there I sat looking all sheepish. And you know what he did? He cried. I never did it again after that because of that look in his eyes of hurt and betrayal. He's a hard working man and mom is the same type. Watching them age is bittersweet...a lesson in patience as they become more limited in their life choices and more defiant about their choices. So be it ya'll. I've found peace with that one.


Still haven't called my therapist yet, the one who says "here's the thing" and helps me to understand the whole process that is my life. I can guarandamnteeya' it's a good thing that I think too much. Otherwise I'd have been left in the dust a long time ago because I am definitely not much of a survivalist. That's why I've never been allowed to have a chain saw or other dangerous item even though I've begged. "You'll shoot your eye out cut your hand off! I think they are all afraid that I'll have one too many and start playing safari with it on a ladder. Orders from BG are no more fires until we get a new hose. Period. I'd hate to burn down that beautiful barn! The driveway is a bunch of mud and puddles in back and to the south. I figure this will be my last full year on the hill so I might as well leave it cleaner than when I found it some 24 years ago.

As for me, I'm sitting here looking like this as Yaya would say..listening to chick music like Ronstadt et al and remembering who I was a young woman. There was a love affair that broke my heart to the point that I went into a rebound marriage. He did finally be honest and tell me to go home and not live the rat race in big old Memphis because of him because it wasn't there. He didn't last long in Shelby either. The U-haul was loaded when I changed my mind and headed north to the small town hospital that hired me at 4.92 an hour. A bargain? Ayep. Homegirls make great employees.

Since that time I've skipped school plays and doctor's appointments so that my absence wouldn't affect my work performance. My first supervisors were a couple of guys that everybody loved but we didn't quite understand the strange one in charge of our mostly women team. Talk about some cat fights ya'll..we were all on the rag, statistically speaking, about half the time. Some how SC managed to weave his magic amongst all of us so that we kept the boat floatin' for a very long time. When he left employment one person applied for the position and that would be my friendboss. We've weathered a lot of storms together over the years and I wouldn't have her job for any amount of money in the world...ever! In case you didn't know, the ratio hasn't changed much. Our group consists of mostly women, still..and a couple of guys who provide balance. Sometimes you just gotta tell stupid jokes and get through the day. I feel that I'm part of a great team where I work because I communicate effectively and in a problem solving kind of way. You treat me with respect, and you'll get the same back. The worst verbal lashings that I ever took were from prima donna GPs back in the days of call and whatnot.

I stopped by the grands to count pills today and found them both nodding off, full of eggs and doughnuts and delivered safely home by Tony D. We're on rotation with the after church pickup. His ex's family brought him there and he's been a shining example of what I think servanthood is about. The ancient Dell sounds like it's about to explode so I should probably install this memory that's been laying around for a freakin' year. Or not, because it sure is pretty out.

^j^

change of direction

Ryder has figured out that this having babies thing is physically taxing but she has figured out how to keep them warm and fed. Faith would be so proud of her for that! I can hear them whimpering in the next room as I sit here in the warm spot. They have a heater too of course. Sam and Oscar act like nothing's any different in their spoiled rotten worlds. And Lily? Would somebody just help me string her up? Just kidding queenie. As animal people go, I'm about as dog as can be with only a splash of tolerance for the regal ways of a spoiled cat.

BG babysat this morning and brought Carlee bug by to give me a hug and a quick "i love you". One of my favorite pics is of she and I sitting on the floor on July 4th looking like a couple of kids that got caught stealing cookies. Her mom is one of our dear friends and I know his mama'n'them so there you go. Instant family! My parents are maintaining and I've (once again) turned it over to the big E for guidance. Remind me of that next time the phone rings.

When I first started as a blogger, they were for the large part, a personal place to rant for many people. The blogs that survived and did well financially were not the do-it-yourself kind that I began with. I read random ones, usually filtered by some techno wizard that diverts traffic from a competitor. I know, I need to just shut the f**k up. I am so tired of drama and the people who stir it that I could buy a weapon...um, legally of course. But that's not my way. My way is the one that considers blessings and avoids conflict because life is too short to be mad. Seriously.

I've met so many people around the world as a surfer of the web. And yes ya'll, I realize that Al Gore didn't invent it. He is originally from the Tennessee town of Carthage over in the middle. Got a big sign out proclaiming that as his homeplace. The humorist in me wants to wonder exactly where our president's sign would be. Just saying :)

I'm watching the jumping of ship and soldiering up in this administration and thinking that surely the GOP teeth clinching and bible slapping right wingers are gonna all die someday and there shall be peace in the valley. There goes that Pollyanna thinking again. Whatever. It keeps me looking ahead.

^j^