I have a lot of dear friends who are trying to stay afloat in the midst of lotso' drama and meanness. I just got caught up with one on the phone about where we are with our respective issues right now because it's hard to find a time to just sit and hear the details. She and her family have been betrayed by a lot of people they thought were friends in a huge scheme involving land rights and money. While they have ultimately pulled together closer as a family, it has been hurtful on many levels. Betrayal by a friend is even worse than random acts by enemies in my experience. I am humbled by her belief in goodness and ability to look forward which is exactly what I'm learning.
Mom was asleep ( again ) when I went by this morning but she woke up long enough for us to visit a little. She had a rough night and said the pain is pretty bad from the broken hip. It's hard to find a comfy position when dealing with that kind of break. She hadn't touched the breakfast which actually looked pretty good, choosing mini-muffins and juice instead. We shared a Dr. Pepper and held each other for strength. The sadness has taken over and she's about to give up. We had a long chat yesterday about me getting out of the house more and going to the movie with friends or just anything to escape reality.
I failed my friends by not showing up for a funeral service, but I think they know my love and that I have been touched by their loss. We show our respects in personal ways that aren't always on the register proper. Looks like BG has a functional gallbladder that still hurts so I'm not sure what's up with all that. The good doctor will figure it all out.
Don't stop believing ~
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
perspective
On the way to work this morning I spotted some flowers in a jar perched right at the spot where Tiffany died and the tire tracks are still visible on the edge of a shallow ditch. I passed it that spot three more times afterwards, and paused to reflect each time on how things can change in the blink of an eye. One minute your priority is what's for lunch and the next it's what to wear to the next funeral. There was a big hoorah going on up at the sawmill when I left to see Mama at the home. She was sacked out and sawing logs, just like when I went by with clean clothes at 6AM. I think I just heard the hoorah fly toward Jackson as Air Evac roared over my house. Pecan Lane is a very happening edge of municipal Dyersburg type of home resting comfortably next to green number umm?.
The garbage piles are shrinking because I'm sick of looking at ugly shit and so it shall be. More and more piles are being made and sweeping is going on but not too much because GOOD lord the dust. I could use some hepa filters right about this point. Estate sale ladies are on it down at the Red Casa and I'll be moving some of mine there as well for the big sale of odd little treasures. Trust me...it will be fun!
I'm proud of our POTUS for taking a reasonable stand on gun regulation though he could have done it a bit sooner *cough* than when the Bundy bunch takes over Oregon. I figure those guys are pretty cold out there in the dark about now unless they've built a fire out of the rugged woods to stay warm. I'm gonna' pack a little bag of snacks and stuff...maybe a blanket or two. And yes, I'm still feeling the Bern.
So it is in honoring lives the way we do through rituals like memorial services. When Noler died it was sudden and we were all just kind of hijacked by the situation. That is where KK stepped in like the loving professional that she is and took total care of my family for about three months. To me the reality of making arrangements is not a matter of "if" but "when." Ahead of time is preferable than guessing.
We all have memories of friends and relatives and out-laws that make up the tapestry of life. My once upon a time book was about stained glass and how those pieces fit together like little life bits to make a mosaic. The comfort that I find in friends giving me a heads up when they know it's dark is something I can't describe and won't even try to.
Not my job ~
I'm proud of our POTUS for taking a reasonable stand on gun regulation though he could have done it a bit sooner *cough* than when the Bundy bunch takes over Oregon. I figure those guys are pretty cold out there in the dark about now unless they've built a fire out of the rugged woods to stay warm. I'm gonna' pack a little bag of snacks and stuff...maybe a blanket or two. And yes, I'm still feeling the Bern.
So it is in honoring lives the way we do through rituals like memorial services. When Noler died it was sudden and we were all just kind of hijacked by the situation. That is where KK stepped in like the loving professional that she is and took total care of my family for about three months. To me the reality of making arrangements is not a matter of "if" but "when." Ahead of time is preferable than guessing.
We all have memories of friends and relatives and out-laws that make up the tapestry of life. My once upon a time book was about stained glass and how those pieces fit together like little life bits to make a mosaic. The comfort that I find in friends giving me a heads up when they know it's dark is something I can't describe and won't even try to.
Not my job ~
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
epiphany
It's been a hard candy Christmas around here from the get go so I'm not at all sad to say goodbye to the season proper. Yesterday was probably the biggest struggle of my life just to keep one foot in front of another through waves of drama and fatigue. It got better when I slept but hit again about 8AM today so all I knew was to pray and ask for good vibes. And you know what ? When I reach the point where I'm willing to ask, it's a blessing to just let the love flow.
Mid-day Monday I noticed an odd number on my phone with few contacts, but missed it at work. Later in the day I answered and it was my friend Mamye letting me know that Renee's daughter had been killed in a car accident that morning. Twenty seven years old. DOA. And it happened on the route that I take to work every stinking day. That's also where BG did her little number and Mama totaled a Camry on the way to Easter service. Surprise! was the sermon topic while she cried in ER.
She called last night worried because I took the dirty clothes and she didn't have a suitable undergarment but I'm pretty sure there's a clean one somewhere in the stack I left. Anyway, the world is still turning so I reckon she found it. I was passing time in the parking lot and making conversation with my nurse friend when she asked about how Mama is doing. I gave her the short version and she began to tell me about burying both her brother and father about two weeks ago. Her brother died of cancer from working at a rubber plant all his life, and once he passed the Daddy just took a hit to his already weak heart. Now they've got her pitiful little mother to care for and we work for SATAN! Heh. Just kidding admin types. We cried over our daddies and how we miss them and about how sad our moms are without them for the first time in 60 years.
I witnessed a transformation in my daughter over the past few months that is at times stressful but always interesting. Our shared grief over the loss of our fathers is something that we have struggled with mightily. In the end, it's all about missing that snug feeling of being somebody's special girl.
Manifest ~
Mid-day Monday I noticed an odd number on my phone with few contacts, but missed it at work. Later in the day I answered and it was my friend Mamye letting me know that Renee's daughter had been killed in a car accident that morning. Twenty seven years old. DOA. And it happened on the route that I take to work every stinking day. That's also where BG did her little number and Mama totaled a Camry on the way to Easter service. Surprise! was the sermon topic while she cried in ER.
She called last night worried because I took the dirty clothes and she didn't have a suitable undergarment but I'm pretty sure there's a clean one somewhere in the stack I left. Anyway, the world is still turning so I reckon she found it. I was passing time in the parking lot and making conversation with my nurse friend when she asked about how Mama is doing. I gave her the short version and she began to tell me about burying both her brother and father about two weeks ago. Her brother died of cancer from working at a rubber plant all his life, and once he passed the Daddy just took a hit to his already weak heart. Now they've got her pitiful little mother to care for and we work for SATAN! Heh. Just kidding admin types. We cried over our daddies and how we miss them and about how sad our moms are without them for the first time in 60 years.
I witnessed a transformation in my daughter over the past few months that is at times stressful but always interesting. Our shared grief over the loss of our fathers is something that we have struggled with mightily. In the end, it's all about missing that snug feeling of being somebody's special girl.
Manifest ~
Monday, January 4, 2016
knowing folks
Even though we're all one big happy corporate medical family, it never hurts to be friends with providers who are in the loop and know you and your mama 'n them. The one who comes to mind today is one that I met close to 30 years ago in Sunday school. He was a Lutheran trying to learn the loving ways of Methodism I can honestly say that I have never seen him treat a patient like anything other than his own family, and he's pissed off a whole lot of corporate types in the process. He is the draw card for our surgery department as employee's choice. BG's insurance finally kicked in so she showed up for diagnosis and treatment quite late and got scheduled for the rest of the journey. The wheels, they turn slowly. Hida scans can take four hours and it was already 2 when I clocked out and walked past her and that damn short phone charger sitting on the waiting room floor getting back in touch. She's dealing with a whole bunch of external friend type drama that is very painful like when you realize a person you thought loved you is just a user. Plus there's always the raving maniac Shanana fit. Lauren actually pulled out her SW diagnosis book to try and name it! Relatives were called and peace was restored without police intervention or serious injury. I got the biggest tear filled hug just for being me this morning.
Mom is alone for a few hours bug not long. A new roommate has met her 3 midnight stay and is headed for transitional care, as they say in the business. Rehab and whatnot. It's so hot in that room by the window that I can't breathe so I just scooped up dirties and dropped off the clean ones. She had done therapy twice and was napping peacefully but heard me tiptoe in. Pure bliss, y'all. She is almost always on O2 now to keep that little heart from getting too stressed.
Last night and this morning were one continual drudge of trying to rest with body aches and drama and then trying to get through work. Mama is worried about my health, and frankly so am I. It's time for some overhauling in all areas including physical activity. My joints hurt, and that ain't good. Other than that it's just unicorns and rainbows and Bernie around here.
Carry on ~
Mom is alone for a few hours bug not long. A new roommate has met her 3 midnight stay and is headed for transitional care, as they say in the business. Rehab and whatnot. It's so hot in that room by the window that I can't breathe so I just scooped up dirties and dropped off the clean ones. She had done therapy twice and was napping peacefully but heard me tiptoe in. Pure bliss, y'all. She is almost always on O2 now to keep that little heart from getting too stressed.
Last night and this morning were one continual drudge of trying to rest with body aches and drama and then trying to get through work. Mama is worried about my health, and frankly so am I. It's time for some overhauling in all areas including physical activity. My joints hurt, and that ain't good. Other than that it's just unicorns and rainbows and Bernie around here.
Carry on ~
Sunday, January 3, 2016
pity party
I'm just having a day if you get my drift...one of those where you want to go out and eat a worm. The continual crud that resides in my sinuses and chest are due to be checked out and treated. Like everybody says "it's the weather." Yeah, and the flu hasn't even hit yet! That will come later with the ice storm. Mom got moved into a room with a very nice lady who doesn't have a constantly present boyfriend so she was resting comfortably when I visited, listening to the Second Presbyterian service on TV with her eyes closed. She roused for a minute and we all got introduced but I can't take the forced heat in that little room so I had to scurry on home. Mrs. G is going to the place where Mom lives tomorrow so she'll have a new friend when she gets back. I ran into Doris in the hall and she caught me up on her world at the other wing.
When I was a kid I watched as NASA unfolded into a series of adventures which were pretty high tech for the times. My parents were friends with the family of astronaut Don Peterson and Mom even got to attend a liftoff at Cape Canaveral when he was still airborne. I vividly remember a crew burning to death during a simulation. After the big one where all those people including the teacher died, things kind of got scaled back and we poured our money into the war machine. I'm not real sure where that thread came from and, so be it. I can ramble on my own blog, just saying.
My brain isn't functioning real well these days due to layers of grief and sadness that require me to put on big girl panties and "chin up" as BG said. I guess a lot of folks would say that our co-dependency has been a bad thing, but in the end I think we are learning the meaning of truth, justice and accountability. When you are battered by life, there's nothing like somebody who's been there to validate the feelings.
Trying to keep it real ~
When I was a kid I watched as NASA unfolded into a series of adventures which were pretty high tech for the times. My parents were friends with the family of astronaut Don Peterson and Mom even got to attend a liftoff at Cape Canaveral when he was still airborne. I vividly remember a crew burning to death during a simulation. After the big one where all those people including the teacher died, things kind of got scaled back and we poured our money into the war machine. I'm not real sure where that thread came from and, so be it. I can ramble on my own blog, just saying.
My brain isn't functioning real well these days due to layers of grief and sadness that require me to put on big girl panties and "chin up" as BG said. I guess a lot of folks would say that our co-dependency has been a bad thing, but in the end I think we are learning the meaning of truth, justice and accountability. When you are battered by life, there's nothing like somebody who's been there to validate the feelings.
Trying to keep it real ~
Saturday, January 2, 2016
in touch
I have one desktop PC, a laptop a tablet and a smart phone and still find myself drawn back the ten year old Dell because of the large screen and easy to see keyboard. The others are okay on the fly but this keyboard is where I can see what I'm writing well enough to proofread. Even then, it's hit and miss. Everything is moved away from walls and windows for the remodel but I'm determined to keep command central accessible. I've plugged and unplugged cables for many years just to stay online. The WIFI I get isn't very fast but it works for what we do here except for that box TV thing which doesn't stream too well. Of course there hasn't been TV in forever so that and movies is about the only viewing pleasure we have. I was desperate enough the other night to watch Bridesmaids for the 25th time!.
I went to the home to see Mama this morning with a bag of clean clothes and found roommate and boyfriend at it bright and early. This guy actually tried to tell the nurse when she needs her nighttime pill because he's there until 8 and she doesn't seem sleepy. Lerd. Mom is looking stronger and coughing up the "almost" pneumonia she had while in the hospital so I figure they'll hit her hard with therapy next week. She has 30 days covered but is antsy to get back to her own little room. I brought cherry limeade and Bubba had sausage rolls so breakfast was covered. Boyfriend took his lady for a stroll up and down the halls and kept peeking in to see if we were gone. I feel you Mom..I'm over it too.
The duck hunters were busy again this morning boom boom booming at daylight but I was up so no big deal. It looks like we dodged the bullet on the flood unless some levees break upstream. Lorna was telling me the story yesterday about the intentional breaching process involving explosives in the pipes that run through a levee for just that purpose. When she left the orchard for the Keys in 2011 they were in full force and her stuff got put up high in the house which is the highest elevation in Lake county. Can you say lowlands????
It's only been two weeks since the latest event but it seems like eternity because the holidays were all up in there and that's a dicey time for healthcare facilities. People are off and budgets are strict. My new garbage can is full and parked at the edge of the driveway for pickup. After a month or two maybe I'll be caught up enough to just pitch a bag in when I pass by. Sadly, that is not the case at the moment. I still have a pickup truck LOAD in the back that needs to be moved and here I sit with the epizootie too weak to tackle it.
One day at a time ~
I went to the home to see Mama this morning with a bag of clean clothes and found roommate and boyfriend at it bright and early. This guy actually tried to tell the nurse when she needs her nighttime pill because he's there until 8 and she doesn't seem sleepy. Lerd. Mom is looking stronger and coughing up the "almost" pneumonia she had while in the hospital so I figure they'll hit her hard with therapy next week. She has 30 days covered but is antsy to get back to her own little room. I brought cherry limeade and Bubba had sausage rolls so breakfast was covered. Boyfriend took his lady for a stroll up and down the halls and kept peeking in to see if we were gone. I feel you Mom..I'm over it too.
The duck hunters were busy again this morning boom boom booming at daylight but I was up so no big deal. It looks like we dodged the bullet on the flood unless some levees break upstream. Lorna was telling me the story yesterday about the intentional breaching process involving explosives in the pipes that run through a levee for just that purpose. When she left the orchard for the Keys in 2011 they were in full force and her stuff got put up high in the house which is the highest elevation in Lake county. Can you say lowlands????
It's only been two weeks since the latest event but it seems like eternity because the holidays were all up in there and that's a dicey time for healthcare facilities. People are off and budgets are strict. My new garbage can is full and parked at the edge of the driveway for pickup. After a month or two maybe I'll be caught up enough to just pitch a bag in when I pass by. Sadly, that is not the case at the moment. I still have a pickup truck LOAD in the back that needs to be moved and here I sit with the epizootie too weak to tackle it.
One day at a time ~
Friday, January 1, 2016
baby new year
One of my fondest memories of New Year's day is when we all piled up at Gaga's place to eat and I got artsy and dressed my little brother up like that baby. He was probably 2 or 3 at the time...too little to fight back. Millette had a dixie cup on her head as some sort of crown I believe. That was the work of my KY cousin and me when bored with the adults. There was usually never a dull moment around Gaga because she liked to party and play and enjoy the finer things. Girl couldn't cook to save her life except for goulash and oatmeal krispy cookies. She was raised in a family that had "help" like so many others in 1930s America. While the rest of the country was getting out there with equality, we Southerners clung to old traditions that kept an entire race in servitude. That doesn't make me the least bit proud or nostalgic.
This farm is surrounded by the Forked Deer river and ownership is split about three ways down the road to where it dead ends at the river proper behind Danny's house and past the Carter family cemetery. In sixty years we've seen a lot of water come and go and until the Corp did work during the 60s it was a common thing to "move to town" so we could get to school and work. And I've done it several more times in the past 20 years! The time that stands out in my mind is a week in May when KK was gone somewhere ( probably the beach ) and BG and I stayed at her place dubbed by one of the kids as "the garden of eden." For days on end we got hammered with tornadoes and heavy rain. I left home when the electricity went out and there was no help in sight for it and stayed at another friend's house the first couple of days. The electricity finally came back on and I was headed that way to clean up the mess when the freaking ROAD collapsed in front of the dairy barn. Back to town we went. Tommy and Yvette were running a business from the to die for house and we got in and out through the field in their Jeep and Daddy's truck. Of course the phone was out too and I didn't have a device at the time. Thanks to the wonders of modern technology I can now know the water is coming days ahead of time and prepare. The neighbor asked me to give her a head's up when it's time to be worried because they're all new to it. As long as it's not on Samaria Bend, we're in good shape. Mozella can pretty much fish from her back yard right now, though.
The dogs went nuts over something this morning that turned out to be four little white tails prancing through the field right next to where the hunters stay. Gotta' love it. They've been blowing the ducks up this week, by the way. I thought about my Daddy again and about all the deer sightings recently and I knew in my heart it was a promise.
Serenity ~
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