one day at a time

I have failed in so many ways during my life.  Most of it was financial...I didn't save and put money away for the future when I was working full time as a medical professional.  I began my career earning less than five bucks an hour following graduation from UTCHS in 1977. After graduation I was hired as a microbiologist at the old Gaston by my instructor Barbara Shaw.  I found an apartment, loaded up the U-Haul and changed my mind at the last minute.  The reason for that?  I was in love with somebody who didn't love me back and that was my main reason for wanting to live there.  What a silly girl I was.  

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Working at Parkview Hospital during that time was very intensive and we saw a lot of changes.  When I began, RT was part of the lab so our folks did EKG, blood gases and all that fun stuff.  It was all on paper then, no LIS or anything.  We were all on a mission then to help patients and do no harm.  I became supervisor of the transfusion service early on.  We transitioned from weekly blood delivery of whole blood from Memphis ( by bus ) to West Tennessee Regional Blood Center.  Jack Smythe was the CEO at that time and we made a push to get the program going locally.  One of the best sermons I ever heard was Willis Gilliland urging our congregation to donate.  A monthly drive was established along with a local board.  We were on a mission!  WTRBC is now Lifeline Blood Service in Jackson.  There is a satellite center here in the burg where folks can donate platelets and whatnot.  These components are essential for saving lives of the critically ill.  You can also give whole blood there, but it will be divided into all three components to serve patients more effectively.  

At the same time I was a bench tech doing CBCs and chem panels, such as they were back then.  Again, it was all on paper.  No portals or nothing like that.  But at that time, insurance paid for overnight stays to get your diagnostics done.  This is when the shit hit the fan.  Parkview sold to Methodist Health Systems in the early 80s because our county commissioners took the highest bid against the wishes of most everybody in the county.  Baptist was the loser in this bidding war because they recognized that they could not beat Mauice Elliotts 10M bid.  We had courthouse meetings and all that jazz.  They were in a strategic  negotiation for feeder hospitals to their Memphis facilities. MHS bought seven of us in West Tennessee.  I was a delegate at UMC annual conference one year and Gary  Shorb was actually there  with a powerpoint touting the hospital system to Methodists.  Right then and there, I lost faith in corporate healthcare/religion.  So did my mother, a lifelong UMC member.  She and Daddy were on the local board of the volunteer blood program.  They supported me and what I stood for as a healthcare provider.  I will always hold that dear to my heart.  

Meanwhile, the tractors are rolling out here planting corn.  By July, it will be a box again.  I can still see the sunset though even over the corn.  I saw the first hummer of 2025 the other day so there is that.  Plus a seriously nice potted flower from Lauren's boss for Professionals day.  That comes the week after National Medical Laboratory week.  Yes....we get a whole week!  My boss always made sure that the vendors brought food every day of that week.  And it was good.

I got my feelings hurt this morning but I am over it.  Sometimes people who you think are friends just have their own issues that snarl things up.   When a friend will not talk to you honestly without shaming, that is not a friend.  There are boundaries to my loyalties.  My mother fussed at me during her last six months about "treating her like a child."  I understand that now more than ever.  I am so sorry Mama.  I tried my best.  I learned so much from you and Daddy.  I pray that my advocacy at the end gave you peace.  

Y'all keep the faith ^j^

the white horse

I was susceptible, like many girls, to the idea of a Prince Charming riding in to save the day.  Since I retired this myth has come back to bite me in the ass.  I rob Peter to pay Paul around here and the truth is that at almost 70 years old, I cannot afford to live here on the farm.  It has been a slow process realizing that from the house on the hill to the homeplace.  The houses are old...some of them around 100 or so.  I love all of them but I realize that it was all just loaned to me by the legacy of my parents tenure here.  It began in 1956 when I was a year old and my grandfather hooked my daddy up with an offer to manage a property.  At the time, it was much smaller than it is now.  

There were cattle then and they went away when the fences fell and it was not possible to keep them cows in.  One of my most vivid memories is of Daddy chasing the cattle in a field right across from Charlie's house hollering like a mofo and driving his truck like crazy.  He worked those cattle for years and the herd got wiped out by brucellosis and other diseases.  Yet he kept on trying.  In the end they were sold, all 60 something of them, to someone else who also sold them.  Being a cattle farmer is tough business.  And so is being any kind of farmer.  That is why organic farming is tough as well.  I remember when crop rotation became a thing.  It was beautiful, as some say.  Save the soil and whatnot.  

My daughter and I are in the valley these days, trusting in God together for a clear path forward.  She has a part- time job and I have none.  We have been blessed with a lot of help from a lot of people but things, at this point, do not look sustainable financially.  I have not seen Reaves in six months.  

The lady from the state blind service sent me a very cool toy that I used at church yesterday to read the bulletin.  It's a battery powered magnifying glass.  Last time she came, we tried out all kinds of different strengths and found the one that worked.  She was supposed to deliver it and train me the week that the flood was going on so I warned her not to try it and she mailed it.  It took two weeks to get from Paris to here.  

Keeping enough ostomy supplies is a real challenge but I have learned to economize and make them last.  However, my last shipment did not include the seals that I ordered.  At least not enough of them.  Normally my supplier is not really good with customer service but I lucked out this time and got enough to tide me over until the end of May.  Two boxes fo' free with 2 day delivery by FedEx.  I recognized the driver, also named Janie, when she brought them up to the porch.  We used to work together in the hospital lab.  She has definitely upped her game!

From what I hear, all shipments from China will cease as of tomorrow.  It will take a long time to fix that broken supply chain so get ready for empty shelves.  LP said that the 'gentral still has stock, but none of that overstock up high.  Meanwhile, Trump is mad because he is polling so badly.  "They should be investigated" he said.  And one of them is Fox.  Alrighty then.  All attention is on immigration and arrests plus deportations.  With this big beautiful bill coming up for a vote, I hope that expense is penciled in somewhere.  

Arkansas got nada from the feds for disaster relief.  I expect that to happen everywhere.  The proposed budget will raise the federal deficit by several trillion if it even passes.  And Europe is having a major power outage.  One of my most faithful reads is Sean Dietrich.  He and his wife are posting their travels as pilgrims on the Camino.  I hope when they get done there is electricity and a plane home.  

Church was really bittersweet yesterday.  We are counting down the days until Mary Beth and Jay leave for Franklin but her work continued with six new members joining our congregation and a meeting about our potential future partnership with the YMCA.  Four confirmands who have been studying with her planned the service. Kellan's parents Marsh and Prakash joined him in baptism.  It was very moving and a tribute to God's work there.  The schedule for our new pastor's arrival and her departure was announced by the SPRC.  

Y'all keep on resisting.  And pray without ceasing ^j^

hostages and the blame game

I continue to watch Congressional hearings on a number of issues and occasionally listen to Trump's team live.  What I see is a lot of blame being placed on the Biden administration for where we are now.  Sure, he didn't need to be there any longer.  Biden's party failed those who believed in their principles and I fully embrace that.  At some point though, you cannot blame the past for the present.  Which is becoming more and more frightening.

China has the upper hand in this trade war, no doubt.  A true leader will accept what is handed to him and try to work with Congress to "fix" things.  Like the price of goods and a continuing war between Russia and Ukraine, which is, again, being blamed on Biden.  Trump promised a lot of things on day 1 and ending that war was one of them.  If that happens it will not be because of Trump but because of a not very probable honest discussion between the two countries.  We are not, and have never been, in charge of the global political climate.  To claim otherwise is stupid and delusional.  

I have been a vocal critic during these first 100 days on a lot of different issues.  One of my Trumpster "friends" always asks me "Are you better off than you were four years ago?" Before the election I said no every time.  Now? It is a hard yes.  The administration is full of people who don't have a clue about how the average American lives.  Four years ago citizens were not being rounded up and sent to horrific prisons.  These people with jobs and families believed that they would be safe and prosper in the land of the free.  Many of them pay taxes.  That money will go away when they are deported.  So will cheap labor that most Americans won't do.  I live in a big farm belt and know for a fact that migrant labor is reliable and inexpensive.  Most of them take pride in their work.  And they don't all have tattoos.  

Wow!  I'm on a roll today because I feel free to speak on this particular little corner of my world.  My friend is going to yet another march tomorrow and has asked me to come up with a slogan to put on her sign.  I know her heart so that will be easy.  What is really sad to me, is that I could not name her for "personal safety reasons."  The free press is being threatened at every turn in this administration.  It's all "fake" news if it doesn't fit the narrative in power.  I am sick of it and never thought I would see this day.  I was not alive during the McCarthy era but this sounds familiar in an old school sort of way.  I was a teenager when the first war that I knew about started.  I watched the Vietnam war on an old black and white TV along with my parents.  They didn't have much to say in the way of explaining the logistics of war.  It was brutal, and so were all the others that followed.  I admire the people who fought and served.  Yet I understand the price they paid with their sanity.  Killing is hard on a soul, even if it is the enemy.  

My Daddy is a Korean war veteran.  That was before I was ever thought of.  He was an Air Force supply guy who did time in the Azores of all places.  One of his friends was on the front lines and died having nightmares about the fear and carnage.  His wife shared that she could not "surprise " him or he would come up freaking out.  This is what war does.  Another friend and his wife were in the Army during Iraq.  She was a gunner, and he was not.  Guess what happened when it was all over?  Yeah.  

I interviewed both an Iraq and Vietnam vet when I was doing profiles for the local paper.  That was probably the happiest time of my life, ya know?  Real people and real stories.  Everybody has one and you are next.  This blog is the place for my cognitive therapy.  I learn new things about myself everytime I write.  And as they say "That's a good thing!"  Peace ^j^
  

save the puppies

Every pet that we have ever had as a family member was adopted just because that's how we roll.  Why go looking for a designer dog or cat when so many need help?  Same goes for goats and sheep and deer.  And us humans who have no rights.  Y'all don't start trolling yet.  Actually, I don't think those people bother to read my personal thoughts.  They just want to pick a fight over some random post that is against their beliefs.  Like the one about Jesus being woke.  Come on people!  Jesus was not some white blue eyed version of their beliefs.  He was a man of color because....desert.  Brown eyes and skin.  Just like so many others in this world.  To try to define He and His work as what Christianity is today is a blasphemy to me personally.

My friends from the Jehovah's Witness church came to visit again this week.  The two women invited me to their bible study group while the guy sat in the car.  She showed me a nice video about what the kingdom looks like.  As before, I was still in my robe and not feeling well.  I think the other lady got it.  She said she prayed for me to feel better.  And I did! Yesterday was a very good day with much more energy than usual.  Note to self: You can't fix it girl.  Roll with it ^j^

birth control

It was bound to happen considering the current evangelical Christian movement.  Not only is Roe v Wade history striking a blow for women's rights.  But now?  Our POTUS wants to give people money to have more babies.  "Have five or six!"  We will teach you in school about menstrual cycles and how to get pregnant at just the right time in your cycle.  More or less.  So, umm.  Considering the current economic climate who can afford to raise that many kids?  My husband and I could barely afford to raise one on our very hefty salaries back in the 80s and 90s.  We didn't think that I could get pregnant, but I did and she is a joy.  She also gave birth to one daughter and that was plenty.  More and more often I see The Handmaid's Tale becoming reality.  Only now Canada won't let us in because of you know who.  As we say in the south, "How niiiice."

I will cease and desist with arguing on the internet with trolls who have nothing to say but insults.  Y'all go ahead and help to form Gilead into a solid state.  See where that gets you, umkay?  Empty store shelves and people hanging on the wall.  If you have not read this book or seen the series, it is a serious mind blowing experience.  I have no idea where they are now because I no longer can afford Hulu.  Or Netflix.  That kind of stuff adds up!

I distinctly remember Lauren's first grade teacher telling me that she said that the comma "looked like a sperm."  That was because I began educating her early on about how babies are born.  The school didn't do that for me.  It was mom on daughter talk at an appropriate age.  Which, IMHO, should be sooner rather than later.  

The tractors and mowers have been running full steam ahead the past couple of days.  My hottie yard mowing guy showed up yesterday for the first cut of my weedy yard.  As much rain as we have had, with more coming, he will have to visit again before corporate arrives.    Such is life.  He loves me like his Mama.  

Y'all keep it in the middle of the road.  And always, keep the faith ^j^

amber

It is a beautiful spring day here on the farm.  The practitioners with the State of Tennessee blind services have hooked me up with several little tools that help.  One of those things is some amber plastic glasses that cut the glare when I am outside porch sitting and bird listening.  My back deck is the perfect spot for those things.  As I was sitting there today watching jet trails make crosses, I considered how I would be able to blog as a blind person.  There will have to be voice to text something for that to happen.  I uninstalled my phone voice recorder when I stopped writing for the State Gazette but I realized today that I will need that.  So I did another download and don't know how to make it work until Lauren gets here to fix it.  Such is life..lol.

I honestly think that since the doctor told me how bad it is, I have been grieving for what I will lose, just like my mother did.  One of my very best friends has been legally blind for many many years and has learned to adapt and thrive.  I will be asking him for more advice on the technology available.  Or anybody else who is willing and able.  Writing is my passion and always has been.  Where there is a will there is a way ^j^

the road to emmaus

The Easter celebration is over and now is the time when we must walk the walk if we believe in the risen Christ.  Like Cleopus and them, we will find Jesus talking with us along the roads in our everyday lives.  If you can show the love to the least of these and stand up for justice then you are on the right track.  So many choose to ignore these things and choose instead to chase the money and political power.  And then there is the retribution thing.  Jesus never blamed others except when there was injustice involved like with the tax collectors.  That was one of the few times he got pissed off enough to throw a tantrum.  I love me some angry Jesus!

I posted something yesterday that got me a hard line conservative Christian remark about the Bible.  Umm.  Excuse me?  I got my Daddy's right here beside me.  I read it when eyes allow but have turned instead to audio versions.  I will so miss Mary Beth's sermons but thanks be to God there is connectivity.  I can listen remotely to Franklin and enjoy the new pastor here at home.  Our little church, which used to be HUGE has been through a lot.  But you know what?  I see God at work there through the missions and ministry of the congregation.  Soon our food assistance program will move from a second floor closet to the Rhea house next door.  Much easier access for clients.  Those stairs up front are formidable.  Our leadership is also in conversation with the YMCA to offer Silver and Fit classes.  Our family life center recently housed several flood victims through the Red Cross.  We must put hands and feet on what we we believe.  You can't just visit the Pope on his last day alive and expect to gain favor.  I hope the Pope had some pain meds in his system.  Just saying.  Another person, after I posted that, said that I should not judge.  I'm sorry dear, but at some point you just have to call bullshit and do better. 

Nothing enrages me more than folks throwing the Christian name around and doing evil.  Trump's Easter message yesterday consisted of a long list of grievances and people he hates.  Again, Jesus don't like that.  Not in His name.  As a child of God, I will normally choose to just walk away and do better.  At some point though, we have to stand up and hit the road.  I'm ready ^j^